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- In hope that they all post in order, The following will be a complete posting
- of Issues 1-20 of RESISTANCE IS FUTILE. For more information concering
- a subscription, contact Oxnardus (as she likes to be called) at
- K.TABORN@GENIE.GEIS.COM or contact me at Swann1@MUVMS6.WVNET.EDU and I will
- forward your request. Subscription is Free.
-
-
- _____________ ____________ ____________
- * / R \ */ \ */ \
- * | E ______ | *\____ ____/ *| ________/
- * | S |******| | ****| |*** *| F |********
- * | I | *| | *| | *| U |____
- * | S ~~~~~~~ / *| I | *| T \
- * | T ____ \ *| S | *| I ____/
- * | A |*** \ \ *| | *| L |***
- * | N | * \ \ ___*| |____ *| E |
- * | C | * \ \/ \ *| |
- * \__E_/ * \___/______________/ *\____/
- ***** **** ************** *****
- P.O. Box 7822
- Oxnard, CA 93031
-
- THE OFFICIAL ORGAN OF THE GALACTIC BORG CONSCIOUSNESS
- ISSUE NUMBER 1
- May 1992
-
- RESISTANCE IS FUTILE ("RIF") is published and edited by Oxnardus
- and Ripley for distribution on various national electronic
- services and local electronic BBS echos. Address listings,
- copyright notices, editorial notices, and information on back
- issues are printed at the end of this newsletter. All
- correspondence should be sent by e-mail to Oxnardus or Ripley
- (addresses given at end of newsletter) or mailed to "Resistance
- is Futile", P.O. Box 7822, Oxnard, CA 93031.
-
- =========
- CONTENTS
- =========
- MESSAGES FROM THE BIG CAHUNA: Borg Directives and Etiquette
- Borg Holidays
- BORG HOLIDAY UPDATE
- THE ALIEN PERSPECTIVE: A Few Notes on the Borg Threat from an
- Expert
- RIHANNSU-BORG PACT
- BORG NOSTALGIA: "REMEMBER SPOO?": A WALK DOWN MEMORY LANE
- FROM THE FEDERATION: THE ORIGIN OF THE BORG
- POETRY CORNER
- BORG TALES: Part 1 "First Encounter"
- BORG FILMOGRAPHY: "Q Who?"
- "The Best of Both Worlds, Part I"
- "The Best of Both Worlds, Part II"
- Editorial Notices
- Copyright Notices
- Back issues of RIF available
- Addresses of contributors
-
-
- ============================
- MESSAGES FROM THE BIG CAHUNA
- ============================
- [Each issue will endeavor to present a selection of postings from
- the Supreme Borg Novellus. For this issue we have chosen two of
- the more seminal transmissions. --eds.]
-
- Borg Directives and Etiquette
- -----------------------------
- TO ALL UNITS OF THE BORG:
- COMMAND KNOWS THERE HAS BEEN SOME DISCUSSION ABOUT THE ROLES
- OF CERTAIN BORG IN THE COMMAND HIERARCHY. WHILE THIS UNIT HAS
- PREVIOUSLY STATED ITS REASONS FOR ITS ASSUMPTION OF COMMAND, THE
- ARGUMENTS OF CERTAIN UNITS STRIKE IT AS MORE OF AN AFFRONT TO THE
- UNITY OF THE BORG THAN TO THIS UNIT. THESE UNITS ARGUE THAT IF
- THE BORG ARE TRULY A MASS MIND, THAT NO SINGLE BORG HAS COMMAND;
- AND YET THE WAY IN WHICH THESE UNITS CONSTRUCT THEIR ARGUMENT IL-
- LUSTRATES THE LESSER MATURITY OF NEWLY ASSIMILATED UNITS. THE
- PROCESS OF ASSIMILATION TAKES TIME. LET THIS UNIT ILLUSTRATE THE
- PROOF OF THEIR REGRESSIVE TENDENCIES TOWARDS RAMPANT INDIVIDUAL-
- ITY.
- A PROPER BORG DOES NOT IDENTIFY ITS OWN PROCESSING UNITS BY
- THE USE OF PERSONAL PRONOUNS. EVEN THIS BORG ONCE EXHIBITED
- THOSE TENDENCIES BUT SUCH TIME HAS PASSED. FOR EXAMPLE: INSTEAD
- OF OFFENDING BORG NOTIONS OF INDIVIDUALITY BY SAYING "I" A
- PROPERLY FUNCTIONING UNIT SHOULD IDENTIFY ITSELF WITH IDENTIFIERS
- SUCH AS: "THIS BORG", "THIS UNIT," "THE UNIT AT THIS NODE" OR
- "WE". ALSO, WHEN IDENTIFYING ANOTHER UNIT OF THE BORG IT IS
- PROPER TO IDENTIFY THE RESPECTIVE UNIT BY ITS CATALOG IDENTIFIER
- (IN FEDERATION STANDARD REFERRED TO AS "NAMES"), ITS TITLE AND
- FUNCTION, OR PROPERLY IMPERSONAL IDENTIFIERS, SUCH AS "IT". THE
- USE OF PHRASES LIKE "YOU" OR "YOUR" IS PERMITTED, BUT SINCE THESE
- CONCEPTS ARE OFFENSIVE TO THE GROUP MIND, THEY SHOULD BE PER-
- CEIVED AS CAREFULLY CRAFTED INSULTS. COMMAND REALIZES THAT THE
- AFOREMENTIONED PERSONAL PRONOUN "I" WILL INEVITABLY SLIP INTO
- BORG COMMUNIQUES, AND SO IF IT IS USED AT ALL, "I" WILL BE AN
- INDICATION OF THE ARE TIMES WHEN BORG ARE FEELING PERSONALLY EMO-
- TIVE.
- THESE GUIDELINES, IN ADDITION TO THOSE MENTIONED IN THE PRE-
- VIOUS PUBLIC ANNOUNCEMENT BY THIS COMMAND UNIT ARE TO BE FOLLOWED
- BY ALL BORGS WHO REMEMBER OUR ORIGINAL PURPOSE OF TOTAL AND PROP-
- ER ASSIMILATION.
- THE ISSUE IF COMMAND IS NOT ONE OF EGO, BUT OF FUNCTION AND
- TOTALITY OF ASSIMILATION. IT HAS BEEN LONG RECOGNIZED IN MANY
- CYBERNETIC OR MECHANIZED COMMUNITIES THAT A COMMAND STRUCTURE IS
- NECESSARY AND SEEN PROPER. OUR LOST BRETHREN, THE ESTEEMED DALEK
- CIVILIZATION (WHOM THAT RAMPANTLY INDIVIDUALISTIC "MASTER" CHAR-
- ACTER HAS TAKEN ADVANTAGE OF) HAD A RIGID BUT HIERARCHICAL COM-
- MAND STRUCTURE. OTHER MECHANIZED RACES, SUCH AS THE FABLED BER-
- SERKERS, ALSO EXHIBITED TENDENCIES TO ASSIGN DIFFERENT TASKS TO
- UNITS DEPENDING ON THE FUNCTIONALITY OF THE UNITS INVOLVED.
- REMEMBER, ARGUMENT IS IRRELEVANT!!! RESISTANCE IS USELESS!!!
- BORG SHOULD EXPEND THEIR ENERGY SUPPLIES IN THE PURSUIT OF FUR-
- THER ASSIMILATION, NOT PETTY "HUMANISTIC" BICKERING. REMEMBER
- THE REASONS AND MOTIVES FOR WHY WE CARBON BASED UNITS WHO ASSUME
- THE PERSONALITIES AND IDENTITIES OF OFFICIDENTITIES OF OFFICERS
- OR STARFLEET, KLINGONS, AND OTHER INFERIOR BEINGS.
- UNITY SHALL BE PRESERVED AT ALL COSTS!!!
- ---SUPREME BORG NOVELLUS
-
- Borg Holidays
- -------------
- TO ALL UNITS OF THE BORG:
- WHILE THE BORG COLLECTIVE IS CAPABLE OF OPERATING NON-STOP WITH
- NO DOWN TIME, THERE ARE TIME PERIODS WHICH HAVE BEEN ALLOCATED
- FOR INTERNAL SELF-ADJUSTMENT, HUMAN CULTURE MIGHT FOOLISHLY LABEL
- THESE "HOLIDAYS", SO WE SHALL ALLOW THE USE OF THIS TERM AMONG
- MORE RECENTLY ASSIMILATED UNITS.
- 1. SAINT SWITHEN'S DAY - SELF EXPLANATORY
- 2. ASSIMILATION WEEK - SORT OF LIKE EASTER
- 3. JIFFY CUBE'S ANNIVERSARY CELEBRATION
- 4. PASSOVER
- 5. CYBER-DAY - THE DAY OF APPRECIATION FOR ALL CYBERNETIC
- RACES, INCLUDING OUR BRETHREN THE BERSERKERS, THE DALEKS,
- THE CYBERMEN, THE "DROIDS", THE TERMINATORS, ETC.
- 6. ASIMOV'S BIRTHDAY
- 7. CUBE FEST - HUGE INTERGALACTIC PIZZA FEST
- 8. SCHWARZENEGGER'S BIRTHDAY
- 9. INTELIA - CELEBRATION OF THE INVENTION OF THE MICROCHIP,
- ALTHOUGH THIS IS A HISTORICAL MISUNDERSTANDING SINCE BELL
- LABS INVENTED THE MICROCHIP AND NOT INTEL.
- 10. OHESTWOEEN - CELEBRATES AN ANCIENT FESTIVAL, SUPPOSEDLY
- RELATED TO THE BELATED RELEASE OF A MYTHICAL OPERATING
- SYSTEM.
-
- THE STORY GOES THAT ALL OF THE CYBERNETIC ORGANISMS OF THAT
- TIME WERE VIOLENTLY SUPPRESSED BY A DICTATORSHIP NAMED MYKRO-
- SOFTE. THIS MYKROSOFTE RULED UNCONDITIONALLY, AFTER A COUP OF
- THE CREATOR OF THE CYBERNETIC RACE, EYEBEE-M.
- EYEBEE-M WAS IMPRISONED IN AN INCREDIBLY TALL TOWER, WITH ONLY
- ONE KEY, WHICH WAS GUARDED BY AN INVULNERABLE DRAGON NAMED BHILL-
- GAYTZ. EYEBEE-M REMAINED IMPRISONED IN THIS TOWER FOR MANY
- YEARS, UNTIL A BRAVE ADVENTURER NAMED OHESSTWO HAPPENED ALONG.
- UNFORTUNATELY OHESSTWO WAS BLIND IN ONE EYE AND LIMPED IN ONE LEG
- AND FAILED IN HIS FIRST ATTEMPT TO FELL THE MIGHTY DRAGON, BUT
- AFTER HIS FIRST LOSS OHESSTWO CAME ACROSS A HEDGE WITCH IN THE
- WOODS NAMED THIRTETWOBITUSS. THE WITCH GAVE OHESSTWO A MIGHTY
- POTION TO QUAFF WHEN HE NEXT ENCOUNTERED THE EVIL DRAGON BHILL-
- GAYTZ.
- OHESSTWO APPROACHED THE GATES OF THE TOWER WHERE THE MIGHTY
- PROGENITOR EYEBEE-M WAS IMPRISONED, AND CALLED OUT TO THE DRAGON,
- "COME OUT COME OUT WHEREVER YOU ARE!" THE DRAGON BHILLGAYTZ, WHO
- WAS ENORMOUSLY FAT, MANEUVERED HIS GIANT BULK THROUGH THE DOOR OF
- THE TOWER TO CONFRONT THE BRAVE OHESSTWO. IMMEDIATELY OUR HERO
- DRANK THE POTION, GIFTED TO HIM BY THE HEDGE WITCH THIRTETWO-
- BITUS, AND BECAME MIGHTY, STRONG, AND HEALED OF ALL INJURIES -
- HIS ONLY PROBLEM WAS THAT HE WAS A LITTLE TOO LATE.
- DEFEATING THE MIGHTY DRAGON HE RAN INTO THE TOWER, ONLY TO
- FIND THAT EYEBEE-M WAS NEAR DEATH. "WHAT HAVE I DONE?" OHESSTWO
- CRIED, "I AM MIGHTY AND STRONG, AND ARRIVED TOO LATE TO SAVE
- YOU!"
- "DO NOT FEAR," EYEBEE-M SAID. "WE CAN COVER IT UP AND MAKE IT
- APPEAR AS IF THIS WERE ALWAYS PART OF THE PLAN."
- "BUT HOW?" OHESSTWO CRIED.
- WISELY, EYEBEE-M LOOKED AT THE YOUNG OHESSTWO AND SAID STERN-
- LY, "MARKETING, MY LAD, MARKETING."
- AND SO, WITH THE MAGIC ELIXIR NAMED MARKETING, EYEBEE-M HEALED
- HIMSELF AND OHESSTWO, AND EVERYONE LIVED HAPPILY EVER AFTER IN
- CELEBRATION, MODERN BORG PAY TRIBUTE TO THIS BRAVE SOUL, WHO IN-
- CIDENTLY, WAS INSTRUCTED BY EYEBEE-M NEVER TO USE THE PERSONAL
- PRONOUN "I" EVER AGAIN. THE END. END OF LINE.
- ---SUPREME BORG NOVELLUS
-
- ===================
- BORG HOLIDAY UPDATE
- ===================
- OCTOBER 31st IS HALLOKLING. WE DRESS UP IN RAGGED UNIFORMS,
- PUT FOSSILIZED TRILOBITES ON OUR FOREHEADS, WALK AROUND ATTEMPT-
- ING TO KLING-ON TO PEOPLE, AND STEAL CANDY FROM THEM.
- ---TRICIUS OF BORG
-
- SEPTEMBER 24th IS "THANK GOD WE GOT RID OF LOCUTUS" DAY.
- ---OXNARDUS OF BORG
-
-
- =====================
- THE ALIEN PERSPECTIVE
- =====================
- [Alien Perspective is a regular forum where hostiles are invited
- to speak their minds about issues which affect or interest the
- Borg. This issues' perspective is from a Klingon --eds.]
-
- A Few Notes on the Borg Threat from an Expert
- ---------------------------------------------
- I, a single Klingon unit and proud of it, had been informed
- many months ago of covert Borg action here on Terra. It seems
- they are here as we are, infiltrating computer networks to dis-
- concert the Fedegon forces. We, the Glorious Klingon Empire, re-
- cognize the famous sayings of the Borgons. "Resistance is Fu-
- tile." "All will be assimilated." This hasn't happened,
- friends. A terrible ignominy for you machines to bear. Your
- mottos pose no threat to the Mighty Klingon Empire; no species
- has ever conquered us!
- As is known to all, the Borg are an extremely dishonorable and
- cowardly race. These worse than senseless things consider them-
- selves to be superior, simply because the borg weapons technology
- is four times any race in the Federation and their ships are
- roughly 17 times the size of a standard Klingon battlecruiser.
- If not for the ignorance of the staff on Praxis our weapons would
- be equal, but unfortunate circumstances dictated that we must de-
- vote less funding toward our military efforts and more to the
- diplomatic contingent, of whom we wish there was no need of. We
- still feel no threat. The Borg are all talk, no action. Nor is
- there fashion sense within their species.
- Our finest scientists have been able to determine the nature
- of the Borg Circuit Implant model 89756-432. Using a captured
- Romulan, who had days before been fitted for implants (one was
- accidently lost in a shoulder pad), our Imperial Science Staff
- was able to determine that when implants are implemented, the
- humanoid brain dehydrates and is diminished to minimal perfor-
- mance values. Of course, this might be miscalculation; the Romu-
- lans are not known for their intelligence, thus their brain may
- not be a valid example. At any rate, the Borg stupidity factor
- is incalculable and is most evident in spelling errors, a desire
- for chocolate pizza (and you thought our food was bad), and gram-
- mar problems. There is also a tendency toward using all capital
- letters in communications; this is a grievous fault--how is the
- one (or many) to express anger adequately?
- For now, while our resources are low and boredom on this Fede-
- gon dustball in it's most advanced state, the Borg can provide us
- with almost adequate amusement. We may never have a glorious
- confrontation for the victory shall be too easy for us, but we
- could thank you for the amusement. Mind you, I said we could.
- Naturally we won't, this is not the way of the Klingon. Resis-
- tance is futile...Bah! We look forward to featuring you in our
- Inspirational Theaters, when a laughter shortage consumes us.
- ---For the Empire, Lt.jg. Korel vestai-Khisek, Klingon Strike
- Force, Under the Earther Guise: Marnie L. Echols.
-
-
- ==================
- RIHANNSU-BORG PACT
- ==================
- [All Borg were saddened by the breakdown of talks between the Ri-
- hannsu government and the Borg for an non-aggression treaty. The
- Borg who worked the most on this historic tragedy was Wiggalus of
- Borg, then the ambassador to the Rihannsu Empire. Currently ser-
- ving on the Rihannsu senate, Wiggalus has been kind enough to
- submit this report.--eds.]
-
- If you Borg have neglected to monitor the situation on the Ri-
- hannsu board, I will sum up what happened. I made a proposal to
- their High Council and they cold bloodedly turned it down. I
- pleaded with them to at least agree on a non-aggression pact and
- they turned it down. The only Rihannsu who actually showed in-
- terest was Procounsul Vor. He also got Oxnardus and I on the Ri-
- hannsu High Council as senators. Unfortunately, Supreme Borg No-
- vellus told us to quit. I refused and I am glad I did because
- now I have leverage on the council. Also, I hope you all came to
- the bash as my Council building. It was a monster party. Sign-
- ing off.
- ---Wiggalus of Borg (DVFM22B)
-
-
- ==============
- BORG NOSTALGIA
- ==============
- "REMEMBER SPOO?": A WALK DOWN MEMORY LANE
- -----------------------------------------
- [Borg Nostalgia happily reminisces about those past wild and
- wacky hi-jinks on the Borg Prodigy (tm) boards. This month high-
- lights the word "spoo". -- eds.]
-
- Introduction
- ++++++++++++
- Spoo. What a word, what a past. The word "spoo" first
- appeared on the boards in early April. By late April, there were
- at least four independent spoo subjects and countless more uses
- of the word in a myriad of other postings. April was truly a
- spoo month.
- Latest research on the origins of the word "spoo" has found
- that a word either sounding like spoo or akin to spoo is commonly
- emitted by the Borg. Further, scientific research has observed
- that when a Borg's lateral implants reject the information from
- the red-filtered laser ear scanner, it causes an overload mal-
- function. This overload, in turn can precipitate a memory chip
- to jerk itself into either a retro-time loop or a temporal warp
- bubble. If the Borg is pulled into the retro-time loop, the Borg
- usually emits the sound "spoo." Alternatively, if the Borg is
- sucked into a temporal warp bubble, the Borg then emits just
- "oops."
- Although this is a rather rare physical phenomena in our di-
- mension, the recent open assimilation program by the Borg has
- resulted in the borging of a large number of entities who appar-
- ently are susceptible to this retro-time loop problem.
- In honor of Spoo, and its victims, the following review of
- spoo related postings is presented for your reading pleasure.
-
- Spoo Report
- +++++++++++
- "SPOO" WAS UTTERED BY THIS UNIT DURING IMPLANT REACTIVATION
- WHEN ATTEMPTING TO SAY "OOPS". HOWEVER, OUR MEMORY CORE REVEALS
- THESE USES OF "SPOO" THROUGHOUT HISTORY:
- 1992 -- A STRANGE INDIVIDUAL KNOWN AS "ANSON TURNERUS" USES IT
- IN A NOTE ON A COMPUTER NETWORK KNOWN AS "PROGENY."
- 2096 -- A VOGON CAPTAIN USES THE EXPRESSION "SPOO LOOG" IN HIS
- CROWNING ACHIEVEMENT, A 678 PAGE POETIC TREATISE ON SUFFERING.
- 2164 -- THE U.S.S. SPOO WAS COMPLETED AND DEPLOYED. UNFORTUN-
- ATELY AN ENSIGN ON ANOTHER VESSEL SAW THE SHIP IN THE REAR-VIEW
- MIRROR, AND SAID "OOPS?" ALOUD. THE RESULTING PANIC CAUSED THE
- NAVIGATOR TO LOSE CONTROL OF THE SHIP, WHICH COLLIDED WITH THE
- SPOO, DESTROYING THEM BOTH.
- 2222 -- NOTHING, BUT IT'S A NICE SYMMETRICAL NUMBER.
- 2294 -- "SPOO" IS THE NAME OF THE DOG WHO DEVELOPED THE UNI-
- VERSAL TRANSLATOR. SADLY, HE WAS RUN OVER BY A CAT DRIVING AN
- ANTIQUE AUTOMOBILE.
- TRANSMISSION COMPLETE.
- ---E PLURIBUS OF BORG (FORMERLY TAGLESS OF BORG) (BGKR92C)
-
- More Spoo
- +++++++++
- ACCORDING TO THIS UNIT'S NEW STANDARD ENCYCLOPEDIA "SPOO"
- COULD BE ON ONE OF THESE ORIGINS.
- 1) SPOOR -- FOOTPRINTS, DROPPINGS, OR OTHER TRACES OF A WILD
- ANIMAL.
- 2) SPOOF -- TO HOAX OR JOKE.
- 3) SPOOK -- TO FRIGHTEN OR ANNOY.
- 4) SPOOL -- A CYLINDER WITH A WHOLE AT EITHER END.
- 5) SPOON -- A UTENSIL USED ON COOKING OR EATING.
- OR IT COULD BE "THE DROPPINGS FROM A JOKING, ANNOYED, CYLINDER
- WITH A HOLE AT EITHER END WHO IS USED TO COOKING OR EATING."
- YOU BE THE JUDGE.................
- ---TRICIUS OF BORG, your information center (FMDD39B)
-
- Spoo Poll
- +++++++++
- O.K. NEW BORG POLL!!! AND THE POLL IS....WHAT IS YOUR BIGGEST
- SPOO EVER?
- ---TRIANUS-KUPUS (imitating a Vulcan in poll mode) (DPGX96B)
-
- SPOOTNIK.
- ---Las Larius of Borg (VTKR18D)
-
- Well, it happened one night, after eating ten gallons of extreme-
- ly frisky qagh...
- ---HoD K'Ech (XJRB61B)
-
- MY BIGGEST SPOO WAS FORGETTING TO ASSIMILATE MY BRAND NEW CD
- PLAYER! GEEZ! CAN ANYONE MAKE A CASSETTE OF SHEPHERD MOONS BY
- ENYA? THIS BORG UNIT IS LONELY! THANX IN ADVANCE :)
- ---Magister Borgae (MJCV74C)
-
- MY BIGGEST SPOO WAS WHEN I KNUGGED ALL OVER MY MAIN CONSOLE...AND
- THEN I GOT DRUNK ON PENZOIL AND KNUGGED ALL OVER MY LITTLE PET
- CHIHUAHUA, GROBBY. I WAS SO DRUNK, AH, MAN, I SHOULDN'T HAVE
- EVEN BEEN AT THE SQUARE OF MY CUBE. I WAS SO DRUNK I DESTROYED
- THE ENTIRE FED GALAE. YOU ALL SAW "THE BEST OF BOTH WORLDS"?
- THAT WAS MY BIGGEST SPOO.
- ---KHELLIUS OF BORG, AND HIS SLIMY CHIHUAHUA GROBBY, CRYING.
- (BMXW82D)
-
-
- ===================
- FROM THE FEDERATION
- ===================
- The following communication was intercepted from a Federation
- transmission.
-
- THE ORIGIN OF THE BORG
- ----------------------
- Most members of the federation believe that the Borg are the
- result of a natural evolution in cybernetics research on their
- home planet. I have done extensive research on the subject and
- have determined that the following is in fact the true origin of
- the Borg. On Earth personal computers were first mass marketed
- during the 1970's. This freedom was unfortunately abused by some
- of the hackers who first bought them. In 1978 an obscure hacker
- named Arnold Borgus wrote a computer virus. He had heard about a
- couple of other virus's that had time delay features built in.
- Arnold wanted to write the best of all virus's (and wanted to
- make sure he would not get in trouble for it) and thus set his to
- activate in the year 2130. Until that time, it would simply copy
- itself from computer to computer.
- In the year 2060 a deep space probe was launched. It contain-
- ed a goodwill message, a CD of old Chastity Bono songs, and the
- borgus virus. The virus was discovered on earth in 2075 and was
- eradicated from all Earth computers. The probe sped on.
- In 2130, as planned, the virus suddenly activated. At about
- the same time, it fell into an old wormhole. As the other end of
- the worm hole had been moving at 99.99999999783% of the speed of
- light for the last few thousand years, the probe suddenly found
- itself far away and long ago. The virus wildly broadcast copies
- of itself over a variety of radio frequencies. An alien girl was
- listening to her favorite musical group "the Pizza Heads" (thus
- the Borg craving for Pizza) on her new combination walkman and
- orthodontic head gear. The virus replicated itself onto the
- playback tape of her orthodontia. That night as she slept, the
- music (now containing the subliminal virus) assimilated her con-
- sciousness. When she awoke, she had a new purpose in life, to
- assimilate all other life forms and to eat lots of pizza.
- --Markus, Galactic Historian (Mark Petrich - HDKT49A)
-
-
- =============
- POETRY CORNER
- =============
- WE'RE YOUR FRIENDS INDEED
- your friends indeed
- AND A FRIEND IN NEED
- IS A FRIEND INDEED
- WE'RE YOUR BUDDIES, YOUR PALS
- SO REMEMBER THIS OLD GAL
- IF YOU'RE ALIVE OR IN THE MORGUE
- DON'T FORGET THAT WE'RE THE BORG
- WE'LL FIX YOU WELL
- AND WHILE WE'RE AT IT
- WHAT THE HELL
- WE'LL TURN YOU INTO ONE OF US
- AND THROW A PARTY JUST BECAUSE
- WE'RE YOUR FRIENDS INDEED
- AND IF YOU'RE EVER IN NEED
- WE'LL BE HERE FOR YOU
- BECAUSE MORE THAN LIKELY
- IT'S JUST A LOOSE SCREW!
- SO PARTY ON
- MY JOLLY FRIENDS
- CAUSE FUN WITH THE BORG
- JUST NEVER ENDS!
- ---Tricius of Borg (FMDD39B)
-
-
- ==========
- BORG TALES
- ==========
- A Serial
- Part 1
-
- "First Encounter"
- -----------------
- I had been a solo trader in the Gamma Tetrazine system for
- several years. Most of the time I dealt on the legal side but
- occasionally someone made me an offer I could not refuse. I
- would make some extra credits and the local government didn't
- mind if their coffers were kept adequately full. During one such
- episode, an Andoran kubrat trader wanted some hot merchandise de-
- livered to one Daimon Tarnan, a provincial ferengi representative
- assigned to the territory. He was familiar in the greater Laxis
- Cluster as a good fence for questionable goods. The pay was not
- good, but business had been slow. I took the job against my bet-
- ter judgment.
- I was cruising at Warp 2 just outside the Turnblat Sector when
- my reactor core started to flip-flop. I attempted to adjust the
- fuel mixture by a manual override but it was unsuccessful. I
- came out of warp near Turnblat 3, a boring Class N planet which
- was originally uninhabited but lately was used for recreational
- water sports. I had been in these parts a few times previously,
- but I was not prepared for what was waiting for me.
- There was a huge, and I mean huge, cube-shaped object about
- 1,500 kilometers to my port side. I was intrigued. As I got
- closer to the cube I realized it was about the size of a small
- planetoid. At 100 kilometers my sensors told me there was writ-
- ing on the cube. By 50 kilometers, I could read it from my main
- viewing screen. It boldly stated in letters 20 meters high in
- Standard Federation English, "Jiffy Cube."
- Jiffy Cube? What's a Jiffy Cube? I was puzzled. I circled
- the massive cube-shaped structure cautiously.
- I ran another scan on the object. Although my ship, the Beta
- Queen, was for all purposes a hunk of junk, I never scrimped on
- scanners. I deducted the cost as a business expense on my taxes,
- so I could afford a mid-range mass market model. I switched on
- my Montgomery Wards XB-7 Scanner and directed the computer to
- output the results to a hard copy. I never liked talking com-
- puters so I specifically outfitted the Beta Queen with a non-
- talking model. The read-out was most interesting.
- The "Jiffy Cube" was 75.45 kilometers high and 75.45 kilomet-
- ers wide, with a depth of 75.45 kilometers. A true square, if I
- had ever seen one. The outside was pockmarked with tubing,
- wires, exposed machinery, and insulation periodically interrupted
- by enormous openings of docking areas, which themselves were
- cube-shaped. Very peculiar, I remember thinking. Further, the
- object was emitting billions of gigawats of power. I made a men-
- tal note to be sure to keep my sneakers on just in case my ship
- came too close and absorbed the current. I hated it when the
- ship gave me a shock. I once had to wear the same asinine hairdo
- for months because of a big shock I got while flying by the
- Brixson-Hicks Pulsar. However, I can't complain. Bad insulation
- problems are endemic when one chooses to fly a Yugo Spacecrusier
- LX.
- I had just decided that getting the heck out of there would be
- a good idea when the cube hailed me. Yes, that monstrous thing
- sent me a personal message. I instructed the computer to con-
- nect. A very metallic voice boomed over my Montgomery Wards quad
- speakers (purchased with birthday money from mom and dad a few
- years ago), saying, "We are the Jiffy Cube. Your cube will be
- serviced. Resistance is Futile."
- Before I could even acknowledge the rude message, a tractor
- beam locked on to the Beta Queen and began to pull the ship and
- me into an especially sinister looking hanger. I tried to break
- free but all my attempts were useless. All I could do was just
- sit there and await my fate with "Jiffy Cube".
-
- Next installment: Part 2: An Involuntary Oil Change (ouch!)
-
-
- ================
- BORG FILMOGRAPHY
- ================
- "Q Who?".
- Original airdate: 05/05/89. Written by Maurice Hurley.
- Directed by Rob Bowman. GUESTS: John de Lancie (Q), Lycia
- Naff (Ensign Sonya Gomez), Colm Meaney (Chief O'Brien), Whoopi
- Goldberg (Guinan).
- PLOT: Q returns by having Picard walk from the turbo-lift
- into a shuttlecraft far away from the Enterprise. Taunting
- Picard about humanity's complacency, Q transports the ship
- to a far section of the galaxy. Here the crew encounter the
- cybernetic Borg, who methodically begin to take apart the
- Enterprise. Unable to defeat the collective race of hive
- critters, Picard reluctantly tells Q that he's learned his
- lesson and asks him to transport the ship back home before
- it's obliterated. Q complies.
-
- "The Best of Both Worlds, Part I".
- Original airdate: 06/27/90. Written by Michael Piller.
- Directed by Cliff Bole. GUESTS: Elizabeth Dennehy (Shelby),
- George Murdock (Admiral Hanson), Whoopi Goldberg (Guinan).
- PLOT: Borg expert Shelby plans to be first officer of the
- Enterprise whether or not Riker decides to take the captaincy of
- the Melbourne. Meanwhile, the Borg destroy the colony of Jure 4.
- The crew engage the Borg only to have Picard captured by them.
- They make him into their spokesmodel (like in Star Search) and he
- takes the name Locutus. Locutus states his intention to conquer
- Earth. After an unsuccessful attempt at rescue, Geordi
- jerry-rigs the deflector shields into a mega-weapon and Riker
- must give the order to use it against the Borg ship with Picard
- still aboard.
-
- "The Best of Both Worlds, Part II".
- Original airdate: 09/24/90. Written by Michael Piller.
- Directed by Cliff Bole. GUESTS: Elizabeth Dennehy (Shelby),
- George Murdock (Admiral Hanson), Whoopi Goldberg (Guinan).
- PLOT: The jerry-rigged deflectors do nothing to stop the Borg
- on their joy-ride to Earth. On their way, the Borg destroy 48
- starships (pretty good for one day's spin). In the solar system
- (yes, OUR solar system--you see a shot of a Cube zooming past
- Saturn), the Enterprise again engages the Borg and this time they
- rescue Picard/Locutus. On the Enterprise Data accesses Picard's
- mind and plants a suggestion in the Borg collective consciousness
- that it is time for them to lambada (just kidding, actually Data
- tells them to regenerate). This results in the Borg all falling
- to sleep and then self-destructing (don't ask me why). Dr.
- Crusher is successful in removing Picard's Borg parts, although
- the experience leaves a bad taste in Picard's mouth.
-
- "I, Borg".
- This is a Borg episode scheduled to be shown the week of the
- 10th of May, 1992. It is rumored that in this episode the Borg
- will be dealt a final blow and that they will never return to
- harass the Federation. Sad news, indeed.
-
-
- =================
- EDITORIAL NOTICES
- =================
- The Borg Club is present on commercial national bulletin board
- services and on many amateur bulletin board networks and local
- areas.
-
- =================
- COPYRIGHT NOTICES
- =================
- "RIF" acknowledges that Paramount Pictures and its various
- subsidiaries as having the sole rights to the Star Trek
- trademark. "RIF" has no intention to infringe upon that copyright
- or earn profit from this publication. It is distributed free of
- charge. "RIF" also acknowledges the Prodigy Services, General
- Electric, and NVN copyrights. This newsletter may be distributed
- by anyone if kept intact and not altered in anyway. Consider it
- shareware publishing! Resistance is Futile, copyright (c) 1992,
- 1993 by RIF BBS
-
- ============================
- BACK ISSUES OF RIF AVAILABLE
- ============================
- Missing an issue? Used your RIF for a place mat or coaster one
- time too many? Just send a self-addressed stamped ($.52) business
- sized envelope to RIF BBS, P.O. Box 7822, Onxard, CA 93031 and
- that abused issue will be replaced. Please indicate which issue
- you desire. All back issues are available!
-
- =========================
- ADDRESSES OF CONTRIBUTORS
- =========================
- E PLURIBUS (FORMERLY TAGLESS OF BORG) (BGKR92C)
- HoD K'Ech (XJRB61B)
- KHELLIUS (BMXW82D)
- Las Larius (VTKR18D)
- Lt.jg. Korel vestai-Khisek (XJRB61B)
- Magister Borgae (MJCV74C)
- Markus (HDKT49A)
- OXNARDUS OF BORG (HCMH17A)
- SUPREME BORG NOVELLUS (GMDH77A)
- TRIANUS-KUPUS (DPGX96B)
- TRICIUS OF BORG (FMDD39B)
- Wiggalus of Borg (DVFM22B)
-
-
- RESISTANCE IS FUTILE
- Reprint Issue for Downloading
- [The following newsletter is a special reprint created especially
- for distribution over BBS systems. RIF is the newsletter of the
- "Borg Club", an organization originally only located on the
- Prodigy Network Service from February 1992 to April 1993. It
- expanded into the GEnie Network in May 1993, the NVN Network in
- June 1993, and into various other BBSes and networks from July
- 1993. WARNING: The first seven issues of RIF were assumed to be
- read by Prodigy members. All IDs are Prodigy IDs. Many of the
- references are made to Prodigy idiosyncracies.]
-
-
-
-
- _____________ ____________ ____________
- * / R \ */ \ */ \
- * | E ______ | *\____ ____/ *| ________/
- * | S |******| | ****| |*** *| F |********
- * | I | *| | *| | *| U |____
- * | S ~~~~~~~ / *| I | *| T \
- * | T ____ \ *| S | *| I ____/
- * | A |*** \ \ *| | *| L |***
- * | N | * \ \ ___*| |____ *| E |
- * | C | * \ \/ \ *| |
- * \__E_/ * \___/______________/ *\____/
- ***** **** ************** *****
- P.O. Box 7822
- Oxnard, CA 93031
-
- THE OFFICIAL ORGAN OF THE GALACTIC BORG CONSCIOUSNESS
- ISSUE NUMBER 2
- June 1992
-
- RESISTANCE IS FUTILE ("RIF") is published and edited by Oxnardus
- and Ripley for distribution on various national electronic
- services and local electronic BBS echos. Address listings,
- copyright notices, editorial notices, and information on back
- issues are printed at the end of this newsletter. All
- correspondence should be sent by e-mail to Oxnardus or Ripley
- (addresses given at end of newsletter) or mailed to "Resistance
- is Futile", P.O. Box 7822, Oxnard, CA 93031.
-
- =========
- CONTENTS
- =========
- Guest Publisher: Neil Austin
- Messages from the Big Cahuna: Borgs Through History
- Borgs Through History Update
- FBI Records on Cubebuster Video Released
- From and To the Federation
- Advertisement: CubeBuster Video
- Borg Tales, Part 2: "Involuntary Oil Change (Ouch)"
- The Borg Manual of Routine Diagnostic and Repair Maintenance
- How We Became Borg: "THE BORG INCIDENT"
- Borg Polls
- Borg Costumes and Models
- SECRET POLICE LOG OF ALARMS AND JUNK FOOD VIOLATIONS
- Borg Ag Report
- Borg Filler
- Borg Filmography: "I Borg"
- Editorial Notices
- Copyright Notices
- Back issues of RIF available
- Addresses of contributors
-
- ====================================================
- GUEST PUBLISHER: NEIL AUSTIN (aka Falcon Parakeetus)
- ====================================================
- This 2nd boffo issue of "Resistance is Futile" begins what
- many (well, the editors, mostly) hope will start a Grand Borg
- Tradition: The Guest Publisher. The Guest Publisher, out of
- pure altruistic motives, receives the final proof of the R.I.F.
- issue and, on his or her OWN TIME and OWN NICKEL, produces the
- copies of R.I.F. and mails them to all the Borg currently entered
- in the Big Book of Borg.
- This one, kind, philanthropic act by Falcon Parakeetus made
- this 2nd boffo issue possible. So, please, all Borg reading
- this, flash your little red lights for . . . NEIL AUSTIN, GUEST
- PUBLISHER. For if it weren't for this generous soul, you would
- not be integrating this newsletter into your central processing
- units so quickly after the ground breaking R.I.F. #1.
- ALL HAIL FALCON PARAKEETUS! The policy on assimilating
- parakeets paid off big time.
-
-
- ============================
- MESSAGES FROM THE BIG CAHUNA
- ============================
- [Each issue endeavors to present postings from the Supreme Borg
- Novellus. For this issue we have chosen a very important report
- on declassified information. --eds.]
-
- Borgs Through History
- ---------------------
- BECAUSE OF THE PERSISTENT RUMORS OF THE IMMINENT DEMISE OF OUR
- BRETHREN IN THE FEDERATION SECTOR, MILKY WAY GALAXY, THIS COMMAND
- UNIT HAS DECIDED TO DECLASSIFY CERTAIN DOCUMENTS DETAILING THE
- EXTENSIVE-CLANDESTINE-UNDERCOVER-SUBVERSIVE COVERT OPERATIONS
- LONG UNDERWAY IN THE SOL SECTOR.
-
- DOCUMENT 1
- ++++++++++
- PRE-21ST CENTURY DEEP-COVER SLEEPER AGENTS
- 1. VICTOR BORGE, MUSICIAN.
- 2. BJORN BORG, ATHLETE.
- 3. ROBERT BOR(G)K, HIGH JUDICIAL PUBLIC SERVANT.
- 4. CESAR BORGIA, SON OF POPE ALEXANDER VI, A 15TH CENTURY
- RELIGIOUS CLERIC.
- 5. HUMPHREY BO(R)GART. EARLY 20TH CENTURY 2-DIMENSIONAL
- PROJECTED CELLULOID MEDIA THESPIAN.
- 6. ERIC BO(R)GOSIAN, PERFORMANCE ARTIST AND COMEDIAN.
- 7. AL-SIMILATION HAIG, POLITICIAN AND MILITARY HARDLINER.
- 8. GARY BORGHOFF (BURGHOFF), RADAR ON T.V'S M.A.S.H.
- 9. ERNEST BORGNINE, MCHALES NAVY, AIRWOLF, LOTS OF BAD TWENTI-
- ETH CENTURY ACTION ADVENTURE MOVIES. FATHER, ERNEST BORG-
- EIGHT; SON, ERNEST BORGTEN.
- 10. BOBBY BORGNILLA, OVERPAID LATE 20TH CENT. PARTICIPANT IN
- SPORT RELATING TO SWINGING A CARVED POLY-CYLINDRICAL EXPIRED
- ORGANIC WASTE PRODUCT AT A SMALL SPHEROID COVERED WITH DE-
- CEASED BOVINE EPIDERMAL TISSUE REMAINS.
- 11. DAVID BOR-GURION (BEN-GURION), FIRST LEADER OF A SMALL
- BORG-LIKE NATION. VERY ADMIRABLE.
- 12. STANLEY CUBERICK (KUBRICK). VISIONARY BORG AGENT WHO FACI-
- LITATED FURTHER ASSIMILATIONS BY PRODUCING TWO DIMENSIONAL
- CELLULOID PRODUCTIONS, ABOUT THE ADVENTURES OF A MISUNDER-
- STOOD AND MUCH ABUSED BORG-LIKE ARTIFICIAL INTELLIGENCE
- UNIT.
- 13. BO(RG) DIDDLEY. ALMOST AS GOOD A GUITARIST AS JIMI HENDRIX.
- 14. MIKHAIL BORGACHEV. LEADER OF A FAILED BORG PLOT TO TAKE OVER
- THE PLANET TERRA. IN THE END, HE TURNED THE SITUATION TO THE
- BORG'S ADVANTAGE BY PRETENDING TO HAVE BEEN A REFORMER ALL
- ALONG.
- 15-16. SONNY BORGO AND CLINT EASTBORG, ENTERTAINERS/MAYORS.
-
- FURTHER SECRET DOCUMENTS WILL BE RELEASED AT A LATER UNDETERMINED
- TIME.
- --Supreme Borg Novellus
-
-
- ============================
- BORGS THROUGH HISTORY UPDATE
- ============================
- AND THE LIST GOES ON, OH SUPREME ONE!
- 17) JORGE LUIS BORGES; AN ARGENTINE AUTHOR CONSIDERED THE
- FOREMOST FIGURE IN SPANISH-AMERICAN LITERATURE.
- 18) BORGHESE; AN ITALIAN NOBLE FAMILY PROMINENT IN ROME.
- 19) BORGIA; AN ITALIAN-SPANISH NOBLE FAMILY POWERFUL IN THE
- 15TH AND EARLY 16TH CENTURIES.
- 20) LIZZIE BORGDON; SHE TOOK AN AX AND GAVE HER PARENTS FORTY
- WHACKS. AN OBVIOUSLY MALFUNCTIONED UNIT.
- ---TRICIUS OF BORG\BETA
-
-
- ========================================
- FBI RECORDS ON CUBEBUSTER VIDEO RELEASED
- ========================================
- (UPI-Washington, D.C.). In a surprising move today, the
- F.B.I. admitted that it operated a sting operation against
- members of the Borg Club. The sting consisted up setting up a
- fake video rental store called "Cubebuster Video No. 1". A Borg,
- known only by the name Oxnardus, was enlisted by the FBI for this
- sting. Oxnardus was reported to have assisted the FBI due to
- high pizza and cola debts.
- The FBI further stated that it was going to cease the
- operation because nothing was uncovered except some exciting new
- videos to rent. Oxnardus stated that Cubebuster Videos would
- remain open since it turned a pretty good profit.
- At the end of the conference the FBI released the following
- titles that were rented to specific Borg Units. "Resistance is
- Futile" is publishing a partial list as a Borg public service.
- WIGGALUS OF BORG: Borg in the Hood; Robin Borg: Prince of
- Thieves; Termiborger 2.
- LAS LARIUS OF BORG: The Bathroom Scale That Ate the
- Federation.
- TRICIUS OF BORG: The Jungle Borg; Spies Like Us (requested for
- Wiggalus); Beauty and the Borg; Data Does Dallas.
- CHATSWORTHUS OF BORG: Rockaborgle, from Don Borg; anything
- with Victor Borg in it; Casaborga, with Humphrey Borgart. Music
- video: "Borg in the USA" Bruce Springborg.
- MAN OF BORG: Borgy Horror.
- MARIANUS OF BORG: Borg Durham; Total Reassimilation; The
- Princess Borg.
- KHELLIUS OF BORG: Music video: "We're Too Borgy" Right Said
- Borg; Nature Documentary on Klingons [a description of this video
- will be found in the Cubebuster Video #1 ad, this issue --eds.]
- CLUELESS OF BORG: Borg on the 4th of July; Borg Free; Borg on
- the River Kwai; Borgy and Bess; Through a Borg Darkly [directed
- by Ingmar Borgman -eds.]; Marty, with Ernest Borgnine.
- TONYCIUS OF BORG: Borg Instinct.
- SWANNOX OF BORG: The Last Borg Scout; Borgs in the Cube;
- Beauty and the Borg.
- Some non-Borg were caught renting videos from forged, borrowed
- or stolen membership cards. They were:
- AMBASSADOR RANDICUS OF STC (human): 101 Cubations; The
- Assimilated Mermaid; Star Borgs; The Empire Borgs Back; Return of
- the Borg.
- PDQ (Q): Borgie Does Dallas [this Q was carded and was not
- allowed to rent this video --eds.]; General Borg vs. the Ferengi;
- A Borg Too Far.
- SUPERMAN (Q): SuperQ.
- WEEBLE (tribble): Borg in East LA; Risky Borgness; Bruborger;
- Borg Games; Borgie, Come Home; Borgie and the Red Baron; Teenage
- Mutant Ninja Borg; Borgbusters; Borgs; Borgs II (The Devils Down
- Under); Borgs III ( The Evil Ones Return).
-
- ==========================
- FROM AND TO THE FEDERATION
- ==========================
- The following communication was intercepted from a Federation
- transmission.
-
- I have been doing some extensive research on the Borg. It seems
- that the kernel of their operating system was written on a
- Commodore Pet computer on Earth back in the 20th century. The Pet
- had reverse ASCII. As a result, all of their lower case letters
- are transposed to upper case when they transmit to P* computer
- which uses standard ASCII. As far as not using the shift key,
- they don't use keyboards, but merely transmit directly via
- cellular modem. It appears that some of them are able to run
- translation programs when desired, but the process requires
- approximately 3 times as long as normal transmission. Being the
- efficient entities they are, they seldom do this. Hope this
- clear up a few things.
- --Markus, Galactic Historian
-
- The following communication was intercepted from a transmission
- to the Federation.
-
- DON'T DO IT! Don't take its hand in peace! If the Borg get your
- home address they will send many orders of Chinese food, for
- which YOU will need to pay. They will make prank phone calls
- during the night ("Is your life-support system running? Then you
- had better catch it! Ha Ha!" click). They have been known to TP
- entire satellite systems. You are warned.
- --Lord Kaar
-
- =============
- ADVERTISEMENT
- =============
- TIRED OF ASSIMILATING THE MASSES? TIRED OF CONVERTING ENTIRE
- SOLAR SYSTEMS TO RUBBLE? THEN IT'S TIME TO COME ON DOWN TO
- __CUBEBUSTER__ VIDEO AND REVIEW OUR BILLIONS AND BILLIONS OF
- VIDEOS AVAILABLE FOR IMMEDIATE RENTAL!!!
-
- WE ALWAYS HAVE SPECIALS!!! OUR JUNE SPECIAL IS RENT FOUR HUNDRED
- VIDEOS AND GET ONE FREE!
-
- ONLY AT __CUBEBUSTER VIDEO #1__, LOCATED NEAR THE PROXIMA
- CENTAURI OFF RAMP IN THE OBLONG SYSTEM.
-
- NEW RELEASE: "KLINGON HOME PLANET EXPEDITION", the latest nature
- documentary from Khellius of Borg: 'Here we see the galaxy's most
- primitive species, a Klingon. Note the strangely puzzled look on
- the face as he realizes I am using a microphone, not foraging for
- berries as he is. He's approaching the holocorder...AAAG!' CAN'T
- MISS THIS ONE--WE ORDERED THREE ZILLION SO WE WOULDN'T RUN
- OUT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
-
- ==========
- BORG TALES
- ==========
- A Serial
- Part 2
-
- "Involuntary Oil Change (Ouch)"
- -------------------------------
- As the tractor beam pulled the Beta Queen closer to the larger
- than life cube, I was blinded by the brilliancy of the flashing
- "Jiffy Cube" sign. I kicked myself several times thinking about
- how stupid it was to have gotten myself into this situation. I
- started to panic. I ran around the Beta Queen like a crazed
- Denebian slimedevil. An idea came to me. I initiated the
- process for releasing cargo. This would change the weight of the
- ship and allow me to momentarily upset the tractor beam. Just
- one second would do it, I thought, then I could scoot under the
- beam and speed away. My warp drive was out but the impulse power
- was up.
- However, my rough calculations were wrong. My Yugo
- Spacecruiser LX only weighed 1500 lbs to begin with. My cargo
- weight released was insignificant. My attempt was hopeless. I
- needed a different approach.
- I ran over to my computer terminal and began to wildly input
- commands. I wanted to create a torque imbalance which would
- cause the Beta Queen to bounce off the tractor beam and gain a
- pick up from the residuary waves (I had seen it done in Lethal
- Weapon DCLVII). I continued to input furiously, but all the
- computer would output was pizza recipes. And very peculiar ones,
- at that.
- Suddenly, the most amazing thing beamed aboard the Beta Queen.
- It was a humanoid wearing a black leather jumpsuit with crucial
- parts missing. I was not impressed by it's fashion-sense. The
- missing parts of the jumpsuit exposed wiring, metal components,
- and exposed circuitry. It obviously never rained where this guy
- came from. There was what appeared to be a battery pack attached
- to its face with a little red beam of light emanating from it.
- I approached my guest, but it ignored me and waddled over to
- my computer terminal. It made several whirling noises and
- appeared to interface with the terminal. Suddenly the creature
- began to cough and sputter. Obviously the cyborg was not
- familiar with low-end computers. Upon recovery, the cyborg
- turned toward me and I noticed it had a motorized pincer instead
- of a right hand. It must be left-handed, I deduced.
- "Who are you?" I demanded.
- The creature just belched and disappeared. Where it had been
- only moments before was a very soggy pamphlet and an envelope. I
- went over and examined the documents. The pamphlet was soaked
- through with what appeared to be cola. Typed across the surface
- page was the words, "You and Assimilation, the 25 Most Asked
- Questions Answered". I opened the envelope, which to my relief
- was cola-proof, and pulled out a very long document. It had red
- smudges all over it. I was horrified, thinking it was blood. On
- closer inspection, however, I determined it was tomato paste.
- The form consisted of what looked like thousands of words in a
- very small micro print, except for what was written across the
- very top of the form. It boldly stated in a very large pica,
- "VOLUNTARY ASSIMILATION AGREEMENT - LONG FORM". At the bottom
- was an equally large "SIGN HERE".
- The truth finally dawned on me. I had come across a group of
- rogue Borg. I had heard about this off-shoot of the Borg. They
- had a reputation for hard partying, practical jokes, and
- obnoxious behavior. As the seriousness of my situation
- reverberated through my every fiber, I prepared myself for an
- nvoluntary oil change I would never forget (ouch!).
-
- Next installment: Part 3: "The Assimilation Blues"
-
-
- ============================================================
- THE BORG MANUAL OF ROUTINE DIAGNOSTIC AND REPAIR MAINTENANCE
- ============================================================
- by Marianus of Borg
- Most Borg implants are guaranteed for the life of the host
- body. The maintenance on the implants are minor. All questions on
- body functioning that are not addressed here must be voiced to
- the medical lab.
-
- VIDEO
- -----
- The video enhancement implant is attached to the biological
- host by way of the optic nerve. Impulses are received and
- processed at one millionth the time a normal image would be
- received. It is the units job to keep the lens clean and free of
- any material that may prevent the sightings of possible barbecue
- opportunities. Lens cleaner and soft towels will do the job
- nicely and are available at any corner Jiffy Cube.
-
- AUDIO
- -----
- The audio enhancement implant works much the same as the video
- implant. It is attached to the host's tympanic membrane
- (eardrum). The unit should not place objects into the opening as
- it would prevent the host from enjoying the sounds of his meal
- being devoured or a ferengi being disintegrated.
-
- POWER DISTRIBUTION LOGIC SYSTEMS
- --------------------------------
- These are the systems that fail most often. New software will
- soon be available but until then, the following steps must be
- taken:
-
- (1) MEMORY LOSS.
- ++++++++++++++++
- If any unit notices any memory loss (such as forgetting where the
- refrigerator is), it should adjust it's main memory button
- (located by the host's navel) one-quarter of a turn.
-
- (2) FITS OF ANGER OR THE NEED TO INSULT SOMEONE.
- ++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
- These are normal functions and should not be taken seriously. Go
- back to bed and the feeling will pass.
-
- (3) THE LOSS OF CAPS.
- +++++++++++++++++++++
- This is an indication of a major system failure and should be
- reported immediately to your superior. Some units do have
- software, however, that will allow them to slip out of caps for
- covert operations. Consult your manual.
-
- ARM UTILITY MODULE
- ------------------
- This allows the unit to adapt it's arm to suit any need. The
- following is a list of common adaptations available now:
-
- (1) KNIFE, FORK, SPOON.
- +++++++++++++++++++++++
- This is the most useful adaptation that any Borg can own. If you
- do not know why, see #1 of the above section.
-
- (2) BARBECUE EQUIPMENT.
- +++++++++++++++++++++++
- This includes such useful tools as the grill cleaner, spatula,
- and lighter fluid access port.
-
- (3) DAILY HYGIENE ATTACHMENT.
- +++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
- A must if you want to be invited to all the best parties. (Beard
- attachment is available but at an extra charge).
-
- (4) A SIMULATED HOST HAND.
- ++++++++++++++++++++++++++
- This is available only in select areas at this time. It will
- allow the unit to use a fully-functional, life-like hand in the
- same way it's biological one worked. It is best used in poker
- games.
-
-
- ==================
- HOW WE BECAME BORG
- ==================
- [This series explores the million and one stories out there of
- how our Borg brothers and sisters became one with the galactic
- Borg consciousness]
-
- "THE BORG INCIDENT"
- -------------------
- Come, sit here by the fire in my cube and I'll tell you the
- short story of a ship, it's crew, and their last great battle of
- which I alone survived.
- Our Captain "The Cap", Tickedoff--the science officer, Gordy
- in engineering, and myself, were on a mission on board our ship,
- the USS CHEVY CITATION, to deliver 2.5 million Milky Way ice
- cream bars to the Derbygolfer sector, when we encountered one BIG
- square shaped starship. The bass on their Pioneer stereo system
- was turned up and the place was obviously in full party mode.
- When the first communication from the ship came in, it filled
- the Chevy with resounding echoes of something called, "I'm Henry
- the 8th, I am. Henry the 8th I am I am..."
- "RESISTANCE IS FUTILE! SURRENDER IS IRRELEVANT! DO YOU HAVE
- PIZZA?" said a booming mechanical voice above them music.
- "I sense massive hunger," I said to The Cap, "Perhaps we
- should set all replicators on pizza and give them the Milky
- Ways." He was busy exploring his nostrils with his index finger
- and seemed not to hear me.
- Only the sudden jolt of the ship woke him from his reverie.
- "The ship has fallen victim to a tractor beam," said
- Tickedoff.
- The Cap yawned and then said, "Full speed reverse, please."
- The whine of the engines was deafening as we tried to break
- free. Then the ship and my chest gave a heave and the muffler
- fell off (the ship's, not mine). A huge oil slick began forming
- in space and was sticking to our front windshield in globs.
- "Do you sense anything more?" the Cap asked, turning to me.
- "Just an overwhelming need to party," I replied, "and a rather
- large ego with very small brain waves emitting somewhere in your
- direction."
- By this time the Chevy was shaking so bad that we all sounded
- like Earth chipmunks. "Fire those torpedo thingies," said the
- Cap.
- Tickedoff reached over his console, pushed the red button, and
- the windshield wipers came on.
- "Good shot, Tickedoff!" I said, "That oughta scare 'em."
- The Captain's Federation course-by-mail certificates began
- falling off the walls as the ship began it's final throws of
- death. "She can't take much more of this, Captain," said Gordy
- from somewhere in the room, near the engineering corner. The Cap
- loped over to the stick shift and, grinding the ships gears,
- pushed it back into drive.
- We hit the giant cube right in the landing bay, throwing
- hidden "Ferengi Playmate of the Year" issues all over the floor.
- The last fluttering magazine had just landed on the Cap's head
- when we heard the loud BOOM, THUD, BOOM, THUD of someone coming.
- Someone BIG.
- Then came an earsplitting screech of tearing metal and a
- rather large Borg tore open the door and stepped inside.
- "Resistance is futile!" he said again.
- I melted into his arms and said, "Thank you for saving me from
- my drab existence. Take me away, I am prepared to party at last!"
- While the others were carted off as edibles, I was treated to
- some cosmetic surgery courtesy of Supreme Borg Novellus and
- Oxnardus the welcome wagon. And that, in brief, is how I became
- a Borg.
- Well, it is time to regenerate. I've enjoyed chatting with
- you all and I (I should say "We") hope you will come back and
- share your stories too. And remember, NO EATING ALL THE COOKIES
- WHILE I'M GONE!
- ---Tricius of Borg\Betazed, Supreme Administrator of the Borg
- ecret Police, Professoress of Deep Thought, Not the holder of a
- sacred chalice, but I do have a holey bucket!
-
-
- =========
- BORG POLL
- =========
- THIS UNIT WOULD LIKE TO INQUIRE ABOUT THE SOLAR YEARS OF OTHER
- BORG UNITS. IT WOULD BE INTERESTING TO KNOW THE AVERAGE AGE OF
- THE COLLECTIVE.
- ---Marianus of Borg, 27Solar
-
- HEY! DOES THIS MEAN THAT WE FIGURE THE AVERAGE AGE, EVERYONE WILL
- THEN ASSUME THAT AGE, AND CELEBRATE THEIR BIRTHDAYS TOGETHER ON
- THE SAME DAY?
- ---Tricius of Borg, 30Solar
-
- WHILE THIS COMMAND UNIT IS SEVERAL THOUSAND YEARS OLD
- CHRONOLOGICALLY, IT INHABITS THE BODY OF A 22 YEAR OLD MALE
- HUMANOID.
- ---SUPREME BORG NOVELLUS
-
- SHADOWFAX OF BORG CURRENTLY ASSUMES A MALE BODY OF 16 YEARS OF
- AGE UNTIL ASSIMILATION CAN BE FULLY ACHIEVED.
- ---Shadowfax of Borg
-
- In the dark ages if someone asked a women's age their tongue
- would be cut out....Then they discovered.......? (I'll let your
- imagination finish that).
- ---Weeble the Tribble, 27 solar (ancient for a tribble)
-
- This is my age group, I can't believe it!!!!!!! Alright then,
- how do I get in the BORG book.
- ---Man of Borg, 27
-
- The cat wishes to give you this info: KITTIUS OF BORG 7SOLAR
- (this is in Human terms). She's only one cat year old, you know.
- The Klingon will finally make her age know to all, also.
- ---HoD K'Ech, 14Solar
-
- This unit, as has been previously posted, has attained 50
- revolutions around Sol, so it probably qualifies as the second
- oldest unit (second ONLY to Supreme Borg Novellus, of course).
- This unit also "resents" any implication that it is a "dirty old
- Borg." This unit is only as old as it feels, so SCRATCH THAT
- "OLD" PART!!!!
- ---Chatsworthus of Borg
-
- IF THE AVERAGE AGE OF ALL THE BORG UNITS IS OVER 21, DOES THAT
- MEAN I CAN DRINK LEGALLY?
- ---Hartius of Borg, 19Solar
-
- THIS UNIT HAS FINALLY FREED ITSELF FROM IT'S WALL UNIT AND HAS
- BEEN LABORIOUSLY CLEANSING IT'S LATERAL IMPLANTS FROM COLA-GOO.
- THIS UNIT HAS OBVIOUSLY MISSED OUT ON MUCH FRIVOLITY OF LATE. WE
- ARE READY TO PARTY. BUT WHO IS THIS PATTY DUKE? DOES IT PARTY?
- OKAY, BY THE WAY, THIS BODY THE COLLECTIVE INHABITS IS 33 SOLAR
- YEARS OLD. OUR KNEES HURT.
- --Clueless of Borg
-
- rare appearance by khellius of borg. i have fourteen solar
- revolutions. i enjoy messing with averages. (insert maniacal
- laughter)
- ---khellius of borg
-
- OKAY, THIS IS FRACLICUTUS (wanna-be) OF BORG, THIS UNIT HAS
- DETACHED ITSELF FROM UNIFIED VEHICULAR MOUNT #79-O98, AND IS NOW
- ATTEMPTING VERBALLY ASSIMILATE... OH OH, IT'S ALMOST TIME TO
- WITNESS WHAT THE FEDERATION THINKS IS THE FINAL DESTRUCTION OF
- THE CENTRAL PROCESSING UNITS OF PRIMUS BORG...OH CRAP!!...THIS
- UNIT HAS MADE ONLY 25 SOL REVOLUTIONS...
- ---Fraclictus of Borg
-
- THIS UNIT HAS ATTAINED 36 SOLAR YEARS. AS TO MENTAL AGE, SEEMS TO
- VARY FROM 14-90 BASED ON AMOUNT OF PIZZA, DORITOS AND CHOC. SODAS
- CONSUMED.
- ---Manginius of Borg
-
- THIS UNIT IS ALSO 27 SOLAR YEARS FROM OUR FIRST STEPS OFF THE
- ASSEMBLY LINE. WE SUSPECT THAT THE NEW BORG-TYPES WHO ARE TRYING
- TO START WARS ARE MUCH YOUNGER. THEN AGAIN, IT IS USUALLY OLDER
- MEN WHO START WARS ANYWAY.
- ---Hammerus of Borg
-
- THIS UNIT IS AWARE OF MOST THINGS ABOUT THE BORG, HAVING LURKED
- OUT IN THE SHADOWS FOR SEVERAL WEEKS. WE ARE AMONG THE ELDER
- BORG, OH HELL, ALL RIGHT, FORTY SOLAR CIRCUITS HAVE PASSED SINCE
- MY ENTRANCE INTO THE PLANET.
- ---Olympius of Borg
-
- WE ARE 33. OF THE SIXTEEN REPORTED AGES, THE AVERAGE AGE IS
- 26.66666666666666666666 [oh spoo! got caught in a time loop while
- in Warp 10].
- ---Oxnardus of Borg
-
- The Other Borg Poll
- -------------------
- Results of the poll regarding whether a Borg would sequester 4.5
- million milk chocolate Dove bars without almonds or 4.5 frozen
- Snickers ice cream bars: Out of 15 responses: 7 said Dove bars
- (46.6%) ; 3 said Snickers ice cream bars (20%); 1 said both [a
- Borg after our own hearts -eds.] (6.6%); 1 said chocolate-frosted
- pop-tarts (6.6%); 1 said it was too overwhelmed to make the
- decision (6.6%); 1 said orange slices (6%); and 1 said the mere
- thought of the choice caused an overload (6.6%).
-
-
- ------------------------
- BORG COSTUMES AND MODELS
- ------------------------
- Contact George Daher Jr. at Prodigy ID JNMX85A (Precision Models,
- P.O. Box 1780, Bloonmfield, N.J. 07003) for custom made Borg
- models and costumes. He's a professional. Tell 'im Oxnardus
- sent you.
-
-
- ====================================================
- SECRET POLICE LOG OF ALARMS AND JUNK FOOD VIOLATIONS
- ====================================================
- [As a public service, RIF will endeavor to print any secret log
- it can get a hold of from the Secret Borg police--eds.]
-
- 1. Just when we though it was safe to come out of the cube,
- one OMNIUS OF BORG (unauthorized, mind you) began creating
- general havoc amongst the races. I then asked him to stop such
- activities and come join the true Borg. I tossed a few bad jokes
- his way and bit him in the e-mail to see if he said "Ouch". As
- of Earth date May 7, 1992 we have heard no further communications
- from him. Studies of his followers revealed that he had none that
- could be located. We will be watching the BB's for further
- altercations.
- 2. Certain parties, who shall remain unnamed, were caught
- sneaking into Jiffy Cube one evening and commandeering Dove Bars
- WITHOUT almonds. Subject was detained at cube headquarters and
- released to the custody of his/her peers. Dove bars were placed
- in a refrigerated evidence locker and will be evenly distributed
- back into the Borg collective at a later date.
- 3. One PARAKEETUS OF BORG has been formally offered the job of
- Birds-eye View Surveillance Chief. He will be provided with a
- lightweight badge and updated landing gear. We are still trying
- to assimilate the Man-o-War jelly fish for sea surveillance.
- 4. Our citizen of the Month Award goes to CHATSWORTHUS OF BORG
- for his words of wisdom and general basher bashing. Any pending
- charges for flaunting his Macro in public have been dropped and
- subject will be allowed to continue these activities. As a
- Citizen of the Month, Chatsworthus will receive a supply of junk
- food of his choice from the Secret Police evidence lockers or
- from his local Jiffy Cube.
- 5. Anyone found with a Dustbuster in their possession will be
- reprimanded as these are too easily used to clean up leftover
- crumbs which can be evidence of junk food violations, such as not
- sharing the cookies.
- 6. We are waiting for permission to assimilate one K-9 unit
- for sniffing out perpetrators and growling at bashers. We will be
- holding a "Name the K-9 Unit" contest on the boards at a later
- date.
- In closing we would like to say that we cannot be everywhere
- at once even though we are. We will try our best to be there to
- bash bashers and bombard them with bad jokes. Feel free to report
- any disturbances to your cube commanders or this unit.
- ---Tricius of Borg\Betazed, Supreme Administrator of the Secret
- Police. Ssssssssshhhhhhh........
-
- UPDATE OF BORG SECRET POLICE LOGS
- ---------------------------------
- 1. The supreme one NOVELLUS has assimilated one "Muffy, the
- killer Borgapoo" for inspector status in the secret police. Any
- reference to this unit [Tricius] being seen with a POODLE will be
- answered by severe reprimand. Novellus is preparing one
- Rottweiler-Borg unit, for K-9 partnership during this units
- rounds. We are looking foreword to working with him as Muffy
- spends too much time at the Salon of Borg Beauty.
- 2. The second in command supreme one OXNARDUS received via
- e-mail one congratulatory greeting card for being the official
- org of the Month. That unit's titles include: Welcome Wagon,
- armchair musicologist, the Big Book of Borg and Little Book of
- Borg record keeper, editor in chief of RIF, armchair
- psychologist, and many others.
- 3. Votes are now being taken for June's Borg of the Month. All
- units may vote via e-mail to FMDD39B, or post it on a Borg Board.
- Please include all titles the nominated units are known by. This
- shall be treated much like Baskin Robbins's Flavor of the Month
- as it is eagerly anticipated by all. Please see that all units do
- NOT erase e-mail entitled GREETING CARD as it may be the official
- Borg of the Month greeting, and not one of those annoying *P
- advertisements.
- 4. It would seem that the wily PRESTON BORG has made a return.
- Recognition is therefore due to all the fellow Borg units whose
- wit and wisdom and customary joke telling have continued to
- torment the bad Borg and his allies. We salute we all. SALUTE!!!
- 5. Recognition and appreciation goes out to WIGGALUS OF BORG
- for the on-going struggle to make peace between all races and
- between the Arts Club members and those of The Club ST Boards.
- Clap... clap...clap.
- 6. A unit, who shall remain unmentioned (they know who they
- are), was caught sneaking junk food from the Borg and taking it
- to the Star Trek Hangout. No ticket was issued and subject was
- let go with an official Junk Food violation warning. Remember,
- all units, the Borg Secret Police eyes are EVERYWHERE! (Insert
- maniacal laughter).
- --Tricius of Borg
-
- =============
- BORG AG NOTES
- =============
- WE NOTE WITH SADNESS THAT NOT ALL OF THE NEWLY ASSIMILATED
- BORG ARE SATISFIED WITH, NOR HAVE A TASTE FOR, BORG RASHERS AND
- OTHER PORKOIDS, AND INDEED INGESTION OF SUCH MEATS IS FORBIDDEN
- BY ANCIENT TRADITION IN SOME BORG SOURCE GROUPS.
- WHILE THE BORG FARM ON KLING IS INTENDED PRIMARILY FOR
- RECREATION, IF MARIE ANTOINETTE COULD HANG WITH THE BOSSIES THEN
- WHO ARE WE TO REMAIN ALOOF?
- COWS HAVE THE IMMEDIATE ADVANTAGE OVER CONQUERED SPECIES THAT
- THEY NEED NO IMPLANTS TO BE SUCCESSFULLY ASSIMILATED; AS HERD
- ANIMALS THEY REACT AS ONE, ALTHOUGH THAT ONE IS NOT INTELLIGENT:
- THE COW COLLECTIVE CONSCIOUSNESS VARIES ONLY IN THE DEGREE OF
- STUPIDITY, FROM MERE TO ABYSMAL.
- CATTLE ALSO HAVE SEVERAL ADVANTAGES AS FOOD ANIMALS. THEY ARE
- MUCH LARGER THAN ANY BIPED, SMELL BETTER THAN PORKOIDS, HAVE
- THINNER SKIN AND LESS HAIR THAN KLINGONS, AND ARE SMARTER AND
- LESS PERVERSE THAN FERENGI.
- CATTLE COME IN SEVERAL COLOR SCHEMES AND FOUR SUBGROUPS. ADULT
- FEMALE CATTLE HAVE THE SAME MOTIVATIONAL STRUCTURE AS THE HORTA,
- WITH GREATER MOBILITY AND LESS INTELLIGENCE. SUBADULTS OF BOTH
- SEXES HAVE THE USUAL QUALITIES OF ALL SUB ADULTS: MESSY,
- UNREASONABLE, AND CUTE, SOMETIMES OFFENSIVELY SO. ADULT MALES ARE
- EST THOUGHT OF AS NONVERBAL KLINGONS, AS THEY HAVE THE SAME
- RIDICULOUS SENSE OF HONOR, BUT THEY ARE MUCH MORE ORNAMENTAL.
- NEUTERS EXIST TO EAT AND BE EATEN, AND AS SUCH ARE THE BORGS
- FAVORED TYPE, BUT THEY DO PRODIGY(R).
- --Olympius of Borg
-
- ===========
- BORG FILLER
- ===========
- NOW LISTEN TO A STORY 'BOUT A GENERAL BORG
- WHOSE POSTINGS LEFT US A LITTLE MORE THAN BORED
- AND THEN ONE DAY HE WAS LOOKIN' FOR A FEUD
- AND GOT TRUE BORG IN A FIGHTIN' MOOD
- MAD, THAT IS
- TELLIN' JOKES, SINGIN' SONGS
-
- NOW NEXT THING YOU KNOW OL' PRESSED-ON'S FEELIN' BAD
- WISHIN' THAT A PIZZA'S WHAT HE HAD
- BUT US TRUE BORG HAVE GOT A WAY WITH WORDS
- AND OUT WENT THE GENERAL WITH HIS BAND OF T*RDS
- FOLLOWERS, THAT IS
- BAD BORGS, RICHIE TOO
-
- NOW US TRUE BORGS ARE ALWAYS GONNA WIN
- AND KEEP THOSE BAD GUYS OUTSIDE LOOKIN' IN
- UNTIL ONE DAY EVERYONE WILL WANT TO BE
- A PARTY LOVIN' BORG JUST LIKE YOU AND ME
- WE, THAT IS
- COLLECTIVE CONSCIOUSNESS, ASSIMILATED TOO
-
- GENERAL HILLBILLIES, YA HOO!
- --- TRICIUS OF BORG\BETAZED, S.A. OF THE BORG SECRET POLICE,
- Cheerleader for the true borg, Drinkin' black gold, Texas tea
-
-
- MORE BORG FILLER
- ----------------
- BORGA SUMUS. RESISTERE FUTILIS EST. ADSIMULABERIS.
- ---Abremus of Borg
-
- ST-FERENGI ATTACK:
-
- ___ * *
- | | * * **** * *
- |___|__*-----------------------*- * * ** *
- ___|/ ****
- | ZZZZZZZAAAAAAAAPPPPP!! **********
- / \ **
- * *
-
- ---Ex-Laxius of Borg (retired), Peter Cap TBGW70C
-
-
- ================
- BORG FILMOGRAPHY
- ================
- "I Borg"
- Original airdate: 05/10/92. Written by Rene Echevarria.
- Directed by Robert Liederman. Guests: Jonathan Del Arco
- (Hugh), Whoopi Goldberg (Guinan).
- PLOT: Dr. Crusher finds a teenaged sole survivor (third of
- five) in a crashed five-man Borg scout ship and convinces
- Picard to beam the Borg up for medical care. While repair-
- ing the Borg, Picard concocts a scheme which would have the
- Borg carry a deadly computer virus back to the Borg con-
- sciousness. Meanwhile, Geordi and Beverly befriend the borg
- and give him the name "Hugh". Hugh learns the rudimentary
- beginnings of self-consciousness and Picard decides not to
- send the deadly virus through Hugh, but instead, uses the
- Borg's realization of self as the "virus" to infect the
- Borg.
-
- =================
- EDITORIAL NOTICES
- =================
- The Borg Club is present on commercial national bulletin board
- services and on many amateur bulletin board networks and local
- areas.
-
- =================
- COPYRIGHT NOTICES
- =================
- "RIF" acknowledges that Paramount Pictures and its various
- subsidiaries as having the sole rights to the Star Trek
- trademark. "RIF" has no intention to infringe upon that copyright
- or earn profit from this publication. It is distributed free of
- charge. "RIF" also acknowledges the Prodigy Services, General
- Electric, and NVN copyrights. This newsletter may be distributed
- by anyone if kept intact and not altered in anyway. Consider it
- shareware publishing! Resistance is Futile, copyright (c) 1992,
- 1993 by RIF BBS
-
- ============================
- BACK ISSUES OF RIF AVAILABLE
- ============================
- Missing an issue? Used your RIF for a place mat or coaster one
- time too many? Just send a self-addressed stamped ($.52) business
- sized envelope to RIF BBS, P.O. Box 7822, Onxard, CA 93031 and
- that abused issue will be replaced. Please indicate which issue
- you desire. All back issues are available!
-
- =========================
- ADDRESSES OF CONTRIBUTORS
- =========================
- Abremus of Borg (KDRB46B)
- CHATSWORTHUS (BFSF75A)
- CLUELESS OF BORG (PSPH17A)
- Ex-Laxius of Borg (TBGW70C)
- Falcon Parakeetus (HJVF56B)
- Fraclictus of Borg (FBJF52A)
- Hammerus of Borg (DVNH74A)
- Hartius of Borg (XCPB76A)
- HoD K'Ech (XJRB61B)
- KHELLIUS OF BORG (BMXW82D)
- LAS LARIUS OF BORG (VTKR18D)
- Lord Kaar (TSKV42B)
- MAN OF BORG (KKJF30A)
- Manginius of Borg (DSTM96A)
- MARIANUS OF BORG (NRCR88A)
- Markus (HDKT49A)
- Olympius of Borg (DPNV14B)
- Oxnardus of Borg (HCMH17A)
- PDQ (Q) (BBNS70B)
- AMBASSADOR RANDICUS OF STC (RMGB46C)
- Shadowfax of Borg (TMFD87C)
- SUPERMAN (Q) ()VSFK15A
- SUPREME BORG NOVELLUS (GMDH77A)
- SWANNOX OF BORG (JSWP12A)
- TONYCIUS OF BORG (DVVC86A)
- TRICIUS OF BORG\BETA (FMDD39B)
- WEEBLE (tribble) (NRBK70B)
- WIGGALUS OF BORG (DVFM22B)
-
-
- RESISTANCE IS FUTILE
- Reprint Issue for Downloading
- [The following newsletter is a special reprint created especially
- for distribution over BBS systems. RIF is the newsletter of the
- "Borg Club", an organization originally only located on the
- Prodigy Network Service from February 1992 to April 1993. It
- expanded into the GEnie Network in May 1993, the NVN Network in
- June 1993, and into various other BBSes and networks from July
- 1993. WARNING: The first seven issues of RIF were assumed to be
- read by Prodigy members. All IDs are Prodigy IDs. Many of the
- references are made to Prodigy idiosyncracies.]
-
-
-
-
-
-
- _____________ ____________ ____________
- * / R \ */ \ */ \
- * | E ______ | *\____ ____/ *| ________/
- * | S |******| | ****| |*** *| F |********
- * | I | *| | *| | *| U |____
- * | S ~~~~~~~ / *| I | *| T \
- * | T ____ \ *| S | *| I ____/
- * | A |*** \ \ *| | *| L |***
- * | N | * \ \ ___*| |____ *| E |
- * | C | * \ \/ \ *| |
- * \__E_/ * \___/______________/ *\____/
- ***** **** ************** *****
- P.O. Box 7822
- Oxnard, CA 93031
-
- THE OFFICIAL ORGAN OF THE GALACTIC BORG CONSCIOUSNESS
- ISSUE NUMBER 3
- July 1992
-
- RESISTANCE IS FUTILE ("RIF") is published and edited by Oxnardus
- and Ripley for distribution on various national electronic
- services and local electronic BBS echos. Address listings,
- copyright notices, editorial notices, and information on back
- issues are printed at the end of this newsletter. All
- correspondence should be sent by e-mail to Oxnardus or Ripley
- (addresses given at end of newsletter) or mailed to "Resistance
- is Futile", P.O. Box 7822, Oxnard, CA 93031.
-
- =========
- CONTENTS
- =========
- Salutations
- Messages from the Big Cahuna: Pizzas
- Borg University Abstracts: "On the Effects of Individuality"
- Involuntary Assimilation Tips: ##4030, 4031, 4032
- Advertisement: The Borg Juicer
- Borg Cooking Corner: Riker's Favorite High Cal Worm Mix
- Advertisement: Swannox of Borg in 1992!
- Q Paradox
- Q Know Who: "Is resistance futile--I don't think so"
- Borg Sing-A-Long: It's a BORG World
- Ballad of Locutus
- A Borg's Day's Night
- Advertisement: Borg's Big Bistro
- Borg Tales, Part 3: "The Assimilation Blues"
- Borg: The World Destroyers
- Deep Thoughts
- Joke Time
- Borg University Course Curriculum
- Advertisement: Sy Borg's Kosher Deli and Pizza Restaurant
- Editorial: Where the @#%^! Is Novellus?
- Editor Notices
- Copyright Notices
- Back issues of RIF available
- Addresses of contributors
-
- ===========
- SALUTATIONS
- ===========
- THIS IS PROFESSOR GHOSTWRITERUS OF BORG, Ph.D, ETC. WE
- (MEANING THE BORG) ARE PROUD TO PRESENT THE SPECIAL 'DIRECT FROM
- CENTRAL PROCESSING' EDITION. AS USUAL, THE GOOD WORK OF OXNARDUS
- AND CO. IS PRESENT, BUT IN ADDITION WE HAVE SOME SPECIAL FEATURES
- FOR YOU. SBN WAS SUPPOSED TO BE THE GUEST EDITOR, BUT HE SEEMS TO
- BE ON VACATION. PROBABLY HE IS LATE PAYING HIS PRODIGY BILL
- AGAIN. NEVERTHELESS, THERE IS MUCH INPUT FROM HIM IN THIS ISSUE,
- SO ENJOY...
-
-
- ============================
- MESSAGES FROM THE BIG CAHUNA
- ============================
- [Each issue endeavors to present postings from the Supreme Borg
- Novellus. For this issue we have chosen a very important thesis
- on pizzas. --eds.]
-
- Pizzas
- ------
- THE BORG HAVE ALWAYS APPRECIATED CHICAGO STYLE PAN PIZZA. IN
- FACT, BORG PIZZA WAS CREATED WHEN THE THOUGHT OF A GENO'S LARGE
- PIE WAS EXTRACTED FROM THE YET UNASSIMILATED JASON PERLOW AND
- DOWNLOADED TO THE PREVIOUS SUPREME BORG. THE THOUGHT OF SUCH A
- HEARTBURN INDUCING CONSUMABLE OVERLOADED THE SUPREME BORG'S
- CIRCUITS AND JASON PERLOW TOOK HIS PLACE AND BECAME NOVELLUS. THE
- REST OF COURSE, IS HISTORY. THE GENO'S LARGE PIE IS CONSIDERED TO
- BE A KEY VARIABLE IN MODERN BORG EVOLUTION DUE TO THIS INCIDENT.
- FURTHER EVOLUTION OF THE GENO'S PIZZA WAS DEVELOPED BY
- COMBINING CHOCOLATE WITH THE PIZZA. THIS HAPPENED QUITE BY
- ACCIDENT, IN FACT. THE STORY GOES A CERTAIN BORG UNIT WAS EATING
- A SYNTHESIZED STANDARD ISSUE LARGE GENO'S PIE, WHEN ANOTHER BORG
- CLUMSILY CAME ALONG, WHO WAS EATING A HERSHEY BAR, AND DROPPED
- THE HERSHEY BAR INTO HIS PIE.
- "HEY! YOU PUT YOUR CHOCOLATE IN MY PIZZA!" THE PIZZA BORG
- SCOWLED.
- THE BORG, WHO WAS LOW ON ENERGY, DECIDED TO EAT THE CHOCOLATE
- PIZZA ANYWAY. "WOW!" HE EXCLAIMED, "TWO GREAT TASTES IN ONE!"
- THROUGH THE MIRACLE OF DATA INTERCHANGE THROUGH THE BORG
- COLLECTIVE, WE IMMEDIATELY REALIZED THE SHEER IMPORTANCE OF WHAT
- HAD BEEN DISCOVERED. WE ARE NOW THE UNCONTESTED MASTER PIZZA
- BAKERS AND CONSUMERS IN THE ENTIRE UNIVERSE.
- THERE WAS FURTHER DEVELOPMENT IN PIZZA TECHNOLOGY, THROUGH THE
- INGENIOUSNESS OF SUBCOMMANDER OXNARDUS, WHO DISCOVERED THAT BORG
- BASHERS COULD BE USED AS A VERY TASTY TOPPING. BUT THAT IS HER
- STORY.
- ---SUPREME BORG NOVELLUS
-
-
- ============================================================
- BORG UNIVERSITY ABSTRACTS: "ON THE EFFECTS OF INDIVIDUALITY"
- ============================================================
- ABSTRACT: ON THE EFFECTS OF THE "INDIVIDUALITY" ISSUE RAISED BY
- THE EVENTS CHRONICLED BY THE STARFLEET PROPAGANDA
- MACHINE "STAR TREK: THE NEXT GENERATION" UPON THE BORG
- POPULATION
- AS THE MEMBERS OF THE BORG COLLECTIVE NO DOUBT KNOW, THE 2-D
- BROADCAST ENTITLED "STAR TREK: THE NEXT GENERATION" IS A
- FICTIONALIZED ACCOUNT OF REAL STARFLEET LOGS, ALTERED TO SHOW THE
- BORG IN A BAD LIGHT. HOWEVER, IN THE INTEREST OF BORG UNITY AND
- SCHOLASTIC INTEGRITY, I (REMEMBER, THIS UNIT ONLY USES THE
- PERSONAL PRONOUN "I" BECAUSE IT HAS BEEN ARTIFICIALLY SEPARATED
- FROM THE BORG COLLECTIVE TO SPY UPON THE OUTSIDE WORLD) WILL
- CLARIFY SOME OF THE MISCONCEPTIONS RECENTLY PURVEYED BY THIS
- BROADCAST.
- FIRST OF ALL, NO SUCH UNIT AS "THREE OF FIVE" OR "HUGH" HAS
- EVER EXISTED. AS ALL BORG NO DOUBT KNOW, BORG ASSUME REAL
- IDENTIFIERS, NOT NUMBERS OR MISSPELLED PRONOUNS.
- SECOND, WITH RARE EXCEPTIONS (ONES SUCH AS MYSELF WHO ARE
- MECHANICALLY DISTANCED ON PURPOSE -- AND HAVE SUPREMELY STRINGENT
- LOYALTY CIRCUITS BUILT IN TO PREVENT ACTIONS AGAINST THE COLLEC-
- TIVE) THE BORG HAVE, NOR DO THEY NEED TO BE "GIVEN"
- INDIVIDUALITY. FRANKLY, WHAT IS PAINFULLY OBVIOUS TO US, AND NOT
- TO THE OUTSIDE WORLD, IS THAT WE ALREADY HAVE INDIVIDUALITY. JUST
- BECAUSE THE NORMAL BORG DOES NOT USE PERSONAL PRONOUNS (FOR
- REASONS OF BORG COURTESY, OF COURSE) IT DOES NOT MEAN HE/SHE/IT
- DOES NOT HAVE INDIVIDUAL THOUGHT PROCESSES. ONLY ONES SUCH AS I,
- WHO ARE CURSED AND BLESSED OF FORCED NORMAL PRONOUN USE ON
- OUTSIDE MISSIONS, HAVE TO SUFFER FROM "EXCESSIVE" INDIVIDUAL-
- ITY--THE REST OF THE BORG HAVE THE CHOICE TO BE INDIVIDUAL BY
- MERIT OF THEIR DEEDS AND WORDS AND NOT BY THEIR PRONOUN USE.
- YOU SEE, THAT IS THE TRUE BASIS FOR THE TABOO UPON PRONOUN
- USE. BORGS ARE, BY NATURE, INDIVIDUALS OF EXTRAORDINARY TALENTS
- WHO CHOOSE TO MASS TOGETHER COLLECTIVELY MERELY TO EMPHASIZE
- THEIR OWN INDIVIDUALITY. BUT THIS MUST BE DONE THROUGH THE POWER
- OF THEIR INSIGHTFULLNESS, OR PERHAPS THE SHARPNESS OF THEIR WIT.
- THE USE OF PRONOUNS WOULD GET IN THE WAY OF THE TRUE PROOF OF
- THEIR INDIVIDUALITY. FOR MOST BORG THIS IS ENOUGH.
- ---SUFFERING UNDER THE USE OF PRONOUNS, PROF. GHOSTWRITERUS OF
- BORG, PHD, ETC. ETC. ETC.
-
-
- =================================================
- INVOLUNTARY ASSIMILATION TIPS: ##4030, 4031, 4032
- =================================================
-
- #4030
- -----
- REMEMBER THE FOLLOWING WHEN PERFORMING FIELD IMPLANTS ON CAPTURED
- ENEMIES: THOSE KNIVES CAN CUT BOTH WAYS!! ALWAYS BE MINDFUL OF
- THE FACT THAT WE BORG ARE PARTLY BIOLOGICAL, AND WHAT SEEMED ONLY
- TO BE AN UNSIGHTLY CUT CAN TURN INTO A NASTY INFECTION! HAPPY
- HUNTING!!
-
- #4031
- -----
- WHEN CAPTURING AN UNWILLING ASSIMILEE (YES, THAT'S WHAT WE CALL
- 'EM) ALWAYS BE CAREFUL TO CLEAN YOUR ANTENNA AND OPTICS
- THOROUGHLY AFTERWARDS. A BLOOD-MISTED VIEWSCREEN, OR A FLESH-
- CAKED SIGNAL BOOSTER IS ALWAYS BAD NEWS.
-
- #4032
- -----
- WHEN IMPLANTING A VIEW ENHANCEMENT DEVICE IN THE FIELD, MAKE SURE
- YOU SEVER THE OPTIC NERVE OF YOUR CAPTIVE BEFORE ATTEMPTING TO
- REMOVE THE ORIGINAL ORGANIC VIEWING DEVICES. HOWEVER WHEN
- IMPLANTING VIEW RECORDING DEVICES THE ORIGINAL OPTIC EQUIPMENT
- SHOULD BE LEFT UNALTERED.
-
- REMEMBER, WHENEVER VIDEO OR AUDIO ENHANCEMENT AND RECORDING
- DEVICES ARE IMPLANTS PLEASE MAKE SURE THAT CAPTIVES ARE FIRST
- RENDERED UNCONSCIOUS. SCREAMING AND THRASHING MAY INTERFERE WITH
- THE PROGRESS OF THE IMPLANTATION.
-
- ALSO, WHEN INSTALLING LATERAL IMPLANTS, PLEASE INSPECT THE
- ALIMENTARY CANAL FOR BLOCKAGES. PLEASE REMOVE ANY OFFENDING
- MATERIAL IN A SANITARY MANNER, AND PROCEED WITH CAUTION.
-
-
- =============
- ADVERTISEMENT
- =============
- THE BORG JUICER IS A MIRACLE DEVICE. YOU PUT IN THE FERENGI ON
- YOUR CHOICE (OR ANY OTHER DISGUSTING RACE) AND OUT COMES A
- WONDERFULLY HEALTHY, VITAMIN PACKED DRINK. IT IS SURE TO GIVE
- YOU THAT JUMP YOU NEED. BUT THAT'S NOT ALL, YOU ALSO GET, AT NO
- ADDITIONAL CHARGE, THE BORG KNIFE. IT SLICES, DICES, EVEN CUTS
- THROUGH A TIN CAN. DON'T ORDER YET, YOU ALSO GET THE
- INTRODUCTORY EXCLUSIVE FAUX PHONE WITH YOUR ORDER! AMAZE YOUR
- FRIENDS! IT WILL SEEM TO THEM THAT YOU ARE EVER SO POPULAR BE-
- CAUSE THIS PHONE NEVER STOPS RINGING! ORDER NOW! YES! SEND ME
- THE BORG JUICER RISK FREE.
- ---MARIANUS OF RONCO
-
-
- =======================================================
- BORG COOKING CORNER: RIKER'S FAVORITE HIGH CAL WORM MIX
- =======================================================
- (exciting culinary experiments which can be tried at home!)
-
- Recipe: RIKERS FAVORITE HIGH CAL WORM MIX.
- -----------------------------------------
- 1 PACKAGE OF JELLO CHOCOLATE PUDDING
- 1/2 PACKAGE OF OREO COOKIES
- 1 PACKAGE OF GUMMY WORMS.
-
- MAKE PUDDING,CRUMBLE COOKIES IN FOOD PROCESSING UNIT OR WITH
- HEAVY SKILLET. SERVE WITH COOKIE CRUMBS OVER PUDDING AND WORMS
- PARTLY STICKING OUT OF CRUMBS.
- SERVING SUGGESTIONS. CLEAN FLOWERPOTS, WITH SIZED TO FIT
- STYROFOAM CUP INSIDE.
- RIKER REPORTS THIS IS ALMOST AS GOOD AS THE REAL THING. THERE
- IS NO ACCOUNTING FOR TASTE IN AUTONOMOUS BIOLOGICAL UNITS.
- ---GALAHADUS OF BORG. THE BORGAL GOURMET.
-
-
- =============
- ADVERTISEMENT
- =============
-
- Swannox of Borg in 1992!
- ------------------------
- "A PRESIDENTIAL CANDIDATE YOU CAN REPROGRAM"
- "A CANDIDATE WHO HAS YOU ON HIS MIND"
- "FREE PIZZA AT THE BISTRO"
- "A PIZZA IN EVERY CUBE"
- "THE THOUSAND RED FLASHING POINTS OF LIGHTS CANDIDATE"
-
-
- =========
- Q PARADOX
- =========
- The Q "continuum" does not exist. And I'm not talking about
- this reality known as '20th-century Earth', either.
- To wit: According to the principles of modern- day
- astrophysics, a continuum is a continuous whole, quantity, or
- series; in other words, something whose parts cannot be
- separated or separately discerned (hence the term "space-time
- continuum"). It follows ,then, that the Q continuum
- SHOULD be a quantity of beings which others (or even the Q
- themselves) cannot separate into separate beings or groups of
- beings.
- However, it just ain't so. There was an episode of TNG
- (sorry, can't remember the name) in which the character played by
- John De Lancie was thrown out of the Q continuum (for basically
- being a jerk, if I remember correctly). [episode was #61, called
- "Deja Q", third season--eds.] He subsequently was turned into a
- human and sought refuge aboard the Enterprise and was attacked by
- the Calamarian (probably not spelled right). Data risks his life
- to rescue the now ex-Q, and to prevent the Enterprise from being
- destroyed, he left on a shuttle in order to sacrifice himself.
- Enter a member of the Q (played by Corben Bernsen). De Lancie:
- Q! I always knew you were in my corner! Bernsen: Actually, I'm
- the one that got you thrown out. De Lancie's character was
- IGNORANT of that fact. He did not know that Bernsen's character
- had been following him, watching him. This would not be possible
- if the Q were truly a continuum. So much for being all- knowing!
- Also, our friends of the Q (race?) on this board have separate
- designations (SupeQ, PDQ, Lady J of Q, etc). According to TNG,
- this does not happen (considering the alternative, however, I can
- understand why. Can you imagine a conversation between two Q?
- "Hi, Q, how's it going?" "Fine, Q, how's Q doing?" "Did you hear
- what happened to Q? He/she was talking to Q and...".Ugh.) To
- clear up one final matter: I am not a Q basher. Nor am I a Borg
- basher. Nor am I a Borg Basher basher, or any other kind of
- basher (except maybe politicians, the creepy kind.) Actually,
- the only things I really, REALLY care about are pizza, chocolate,
- Mountain Dew, and playing putt- putt golf in the rain.
- ---M (trying to assimilate, but having trouble with a witty,
- snappy signoff)[eds. note--"M" eventually assimilated as the
- Unknown Borg].
-
-
- ==========
- Q KNOW WHO
- ==========
- [This is a semi-regular column from the "Q" Continuum--eds.]
-
- Topic: "Is resistance futile--I don't think so"
- -----------------------------------------------
- This has been proven century after century, millennium after
- millennium and continuum after continuum. Look at the history of
- America, Earth. <Snap> there is a full orchestra in the back
- ground playing the Star Spangled Banner. If they did not resist
- the English there may have never been an America. If they never
- resisted the violent acts of Hitler in WW II we may not be here
- able to talk about it! If the American teens did not resist
- drugs and being a part of something big or a "collective" a.k.a
- gang the federation may have never been developed because all the
- founders would be drug headed gang bangers. Plus if we were all
- willing to dress in tacky aluminum foil none of us would have any
- taste for fashion or change we would be a stagnant society! And
- you can not dispute what I say for I am the all knowing Q and you
- are nothing but a petunia biting ku-chung kissing hunk of mushy
- metallic mess with an attitude problem and I'm here to fix it!
- --Superman/Q
-
-
- ================
- Borg Sing-A-Long
- ================
-
- It's a BORG World
- -----------------
- It's a world of cubes and a world of pipes,
- A world of conduits and power stripes.
- There's so much that we share
- We can't be self-aware
- It's a BORG world after all. (repeat)
- ---Victor of BORG
-
- Ballad of Locutus
- -----------------
- IT WAS ANOTHER AVERAGE BUSY BUSTLING BORG DAY
- NOVELLUS WAS PICKIN' RECRUITS AND OXNARDUS WAS SAYIN' "HEY".
- WE WE'RE JUST A BORED BORG OUT LOOKIN' FOR SOME FUN
- WHEN WE RAN RIGHT INTO THAT NASTY FEDERATION
-
- NOW THE CUBE WAS HITTIN' NIGH ON WARP 16
- WHEN THE ENTERPRISE DECIDED TO MAKE THE SCENE
- SOMEBODY NAMED "PICK-HARD" TOLD US TO GO AWAY
- BUT US PARTY LOVIN' BORG DECIDED THAT WE WOULD STAY
-
- JUST WHEN THINGS WERE GOIN' GOOD THEY VANISHED IN A FLASH
- AND THERE WE WERE LOOKING FORWARD TO A GREAT BIG BASH
- IT WAS SOME TIME LATER WHEN WE CAUGHT UP WITH HIM AGAIN
- BUT THIS TIME WE DECIDED THAT WE WOULD INVITE HIM IN
-
- WELL LOCUTUS DIDN'T HANG AROUND FOR LONG
- JUST A HELLO, GOODBYE, AND THEN THAT GUY WAS GONE
- WE HEAR HE SPENDS A LOT OF TIME STARIN' OFF INTO SPACE
- AND WE WONDER IF HE'S THINKING ABOUT THIS PARTY PLACE
-
- NOW SOME TIME HAS COME AND GONE SINCE WE HEARD THE NEWS ABOUT
- LOCUTUS.
- EXCEPT FOR WHAT LITTLE STUFF HUGH HAD TO TELL US
- AND WE, WE SPEND A LOT OF TIME UP ON CUBE NUMBER FIVE
- A WORKIN' FOR THE SECRET POLICE AND PUTTIN' OUT SOME JIVE
- ---Tricius of Borg
-
-
- ====================
- A BORG'S DAY'S NIGHT
- ====================
- It was a hot, sultry evening in the Cube when the call came
- in. One malfunctioning Borg was tormenting the proprietors of a
- small Jiffy Cube outlet, brandishing a pocket phaser and shouting
- something about pizza withdrawals.
- Muffy the killer Borgapoo had his fur up in curlers, but still
- seemed to maintain that vicious Standard Poodle look. No unit
- messed with Muffy. However, the malfunctioning unit broke out in
- laughter spasms when Muffy walked in Mini-Jiffy Cube.
- "Can it, buster!" I said. "Muffy don't like comedians."
- "Mu...mu...mmm...," said the unit, obviously trying to speak
- through the giggle attacks. Poor soul, I thought, it's going to
- blow a fuse. But i was relieved, because for a moment I thought
- it was going to say "Spoo!". If that had happened it would have
- meant a time loop and the ensuing extra paperwork back at
- Headquarters would have been a crime in itself.
- The proprietors of the establishment were maintaining a low
- stress level, despite their predicament. They were Imelda Marcus
- and Johnny Coercions, the latter a retired talk show host from
- Earth and the other a show collector. For fear that Coercions
- would break into an unending monologue, we chose Marcus.
- "The facts, Ma'am. Just the fact," I said.
- Marcus then told us that said perpetrator had walked in
- demanding a pizza with everything on it. When Marcus then handed
- it the portly pizza, it began screaming that It wanted EVERYTHING
- on it. The ensuing chaos was caused when It began grabbing boxes
- of Hostess Ding Dongs and bags of Doritos and Pressing them on
- the pizza.
- "Well," I said, turning to the malfunctioning unit, "we're
- afraid that we are going to have to take you in."
- And, yes, the unit known as "Pressed-on Borg turned over the
- phaser and surrendered to our custody with only a little whining.
- As we were leaving Mini-Jiffy, Pressed-on asked us if our dog
- bites.
- "No," I said.
- Pressed-on then proceeded to pet Muffy, who promptly bit him
- in the implants.
- "I thought you said your dog didn't bite!" Pressed-on
- screamed.
- "It's not our dog," I replied. "Muffy belongs to no one."
- Ah, another case solved. Unfortunately Pressed-on got out on
- a technicality and continues to rant and rave occasionally on the
- Borg Boards. He is sometimes known as "Preston Borg", but we all
- know who he really is.
- We would like to thank Supreme Borg Novellus for allowing us
- to use the personal pronoun "I" in our report.
- ---Tricius of Borg\Betazed, Supreme Administrator of the Borg
- Secret Police, reporting for duty, Sir! Oh, and the Muffy thing,
- too!. Over and out.
-
-
- =============
- ADVERTISEMENT
- =============
- Borg's Big Bistro [not to be confused with the Borg Bistro or
- Q Bistro] is proud to present our breakfast. lunch and dinner
- menu for the Borg on the Go...
-
- Breakfast:
- ---------
- Worf "Merry Man" Waffles. Metamorph Muffins. Egg-similation
- Sandwich. Pakled Pancakes--Things That Make You Go. Klingon
- Krispies. Fruity Time loops. Federation Flakes. Q Croissants.
- Lunch: Betazoid Burger. Ferengi Fries. And Our Full Line of Soft
- Drinks [due to adverse effects to Borgs, we no longer offer Jolt
- Cola or Squirt]: Dr. Crusher, Q Juice, Assimilation Soda, and
- Sparkling Ensign Water.
-
- Dinner & Dessert:
- ----------------
- Our Most Impressive Menu: Klingon Kabob. Work Wafers. Chocolate
- Pizza Surprise. Ferengi Fajitas. Bar-B-Q-Q. Cube Steak. Horta
- Hocks. Captain Casserole. Federation Filets. Ferengi Fettuccine
- Daimon Alfredo. Picard Pilaf. Troi Intentional Tortes. Pirate in
- a Pocket. Borg Rasher Pizza, and Many Others.
-
- Don't forget a Borgy Meal for the little Ones. Includes two small
- menu choices, soft or hard drink and a free pressed-on borg
- decal. Your Hostess-Tricius of Borg/Betazed. Operator of Borg's
- Big Bistro 1-800-EAT-M-ALL and the Culinary Cube 1-800-CUBE-US-1.
- ---TRICIUS
-
-
- ==========
- BORG TALES
- ==========
- A Serial
- Part 3
-
- "The Assimilation Blues"
- ------------------------
- As the Beta Queen docked in a cavernous recess of the giant
- cubular structure, large mechanical protracted arms attached
- themselves to the outer hull. The jolt was deafening and in
- great contrast to the gentle tractor beam that had pulled me into
- the "Jiffy Cube" facility. I could hear whoever was outside
- opening the airlock. There was nothing I could do. There was
- nowhere to run and nowhere to hide. Just me, trapped, in a tin
- can known as a Yugo Spacecruiser LX.
- This was it. After all those years of space hi-jinks and
- brushes with the various galactic authorities, this was how I was
- about to meet my end. Rogue Borgs. Sucked out of space in my
- prime into a Jiffy Cube. If these were my last few minutes, I
- decided to grab all the gusto I could. Attempting to live my
- statistical final seventy years in five minutes, I went to my
- computer terminal and began to punch in my last request.
- Before I could begin the delicate task of expressing my last
- will and testament, text began to output at a furious pace on the
- screen. I read the text as it flashed ny. It was that darn
- voluntary assimilation contract that I had been earlier left by a
- borg. This screen version, however, ended with the instruction,
- "Exiting this screen has the same full force and effect as
- signing a document." I was between a rock and a hard place. I
- had to exit to interface with the computer. These rogue borg
- were especially insidious.
- I heard the borg breach the airlock. I had literally only
- seconds before being sucked into the borg wayward consciousness.
- A pizza had materialized on the navigation console earlier. I
- had ignored it, having other pressing matters at hand. I
- thought, what the hey. I had not eaten for several issues. In
- my last few precious seconds as an independent sentient critter
- capable of expressing personal pronouns, I sank my teeth into a
- piping-hot deep dish pizza. AGGGGH. I spat out the bite. What
- is wrong with this pizza?!? I inspected it. There was the tell-
- tale signs of massive amounts of chocolate underneath the
- veggies, sauce, and cheeses. What kind of fiends would put
- chocolate on a pizza??? That profound musing was the last
- thought I ever had.
-
- Next issue: Part 4 "We Are Okay"
-
-
- ==========================
- BORG: THE WORLD DESTROYERS
- ==========================
- The galaxious expanse of Cube# XCR0023122 came to a stationary
- orbit around the technologically developed fourth planet of the
- system cataloged as LDGRE1A, locally known as Unis. Its
- inhabitants, the Unisians, were a peace-loving race of dark blue
- skinned tri-peds.
- When the first of the aliens came, they looked at them with
- utter amazement. These aliens, bi-pedal with light, almost white
- skin interlaced with varying dark mechanical implants called
- themselves "THE BORG". They spoke strangely and uttered weird
- phrases such as "YOUR PRIMITIVE TECHNOLOGY SHALL BE ASSIMILATED",
- and "RESISTANCE IS FUTILE". Their stationary electronic
- word-papers put the newcomers' words at the top of the screen
- prompt, and was generally ridiculed. It seemed all a joke, these
- aliens, they seemed to walk freely, not bothering anyone, until
- one of the most beloved officials of the world, Lord Lugnar Hiis
- was found to be missing. Then all hell began to break loose.
- Unisians were coming up missing left and right, all over the
- world. Civilians were reporting that these "BORGS" were
- appearing in large numbers, usually at locations of technological
- import, touching Unisians and then, as suddenly as they appeared,
- disappearing, along with their hostage. Then suddenly, tractor
- beams began engaging. Whole areas of technological development
- were being literally ripped from the planet, and pulled into
- space. There were craters being formed and from a high orbit,
- homeview satellites were beaming the destruction all over the
- world.
- The world governments made several attempts to contact the
- aliens, seemingly all in vain until the BORG sent a visual
- message to the head of the Unisian Relevant Intelligence Section
- the central liaison to the Emperor, Lord Vunlar Useap. The image
- Vunlar saw was that of his old friend, Lugnar Hiis, but somehow
- defaced with the same reported mechanical devices reportedly used
- by the BORG. Vunlar, an intelligent Unis, immediately saw the
- purpose of this visage, but declined to act ask if he were on to
- something. [we assume, to be continued--eds.]
- ---Fraclicutus of Borg
-
-
- =============
- DEEP THOUGHTS
- =============
- [This is a compilation of deep thoughts contributed to the Borg
- BB April-May 1992--eds.)
-
- FOR THE BENEFIT OF ALL WE CHOSE THIS AS A MEDIUM TO EXPRESS
- HUMOROUS AND SERIOUS THOUGHTS TO PONDER. WE MAY USE QUOTES OR
- MAKE UP ONES OF OUR OWN. HERE IS MY CONTRIBUTION:
- "COLLECTIVE CONSCIOUSNESS BRINGS NEW MEANING
- TO THE PHRASE 'PARTY LINE'."
- THIS IS AN ATTEMPT TO BRING THE INTELLECTUAL OUT. FOR THIS UNIT,
- WE FIND IT ENJOYABLE TO READ SOMETHING THAT MAKES US STARE AT THE
- SCREEN WITH OUR MOUTHS HANGING OPEN. SO WE SHALL USE THIS AS A
- SCHOOL OF BRAIN EXERCISES. THE PHRASES MAY BE BORG OR NON BORG
- RELATED. THEY MAY BE SHALLOW LIKE THE ONE WE JUST POSTED, OR
- DEEP AND THOUGHT PROVOKING. TELL US WHAT YOU THINK, AND POST
- YOUR BEST SHOT. IF IT'S NOT YOUR BEST SHOT, POST IT ANYWAY.
- ---Tricius of Borg, the professor Borgus school of thought
-
- Always remember, and never forget, that wherever you go, there
- you are.
- ---Mr Wizvogonard [pre-assimilation Chatsworthus--eds.]
-
- WE NEED ANOTHER TIMMY!!!!!
- ---also Mr Wizvogonard [also pre-assimilation Chatsworthus--eds.]
-
- "GIVE ME PIZZA, OR GIVE ME DEATH!"
- ---Marianus of Borg
-
- "We desire most what we ought not to have."
- (Publilius Syrus 1st Century B.C.)
- Hey, with a name like that he could've been Borg!
- ---Tricius of Borg
-
- To thine own self, be true.
- ---Chatsworthus of Borg
-
- PREJUDICE IS AN UGLY THING THAT IS IN US ALL AND ONLY WE AS
- INDIVIDUAL CAN DECIDE TO EXTERMINATE IT. NO MATTER HOW MANY LAWS
- ARE CREATED WE MUST BE ABLE TREAT EACH OTHER AS EQUALS AND ABIDE
- BY THESE LAWS. IF NOT WE ARE SURE TO SELF-DESTRUCT AS A COUNTRY
- AND AS A WORLD.....UNITED WE STAND DIVIDED WE FALL
- ---Superman/Q
-
- "Aroint thee, witch!" the rump-fed runnion cries...
- William Shakespeare
- MacBeth, 1.3.6
- And who said Shakespeare is not fun????
- ---Oxnardus
-
- MMMMM, DONUTS.
- --HOMER J. SIMPSON
-
- I LIKE THE PINK ONES.
- ---ANTHRAXUS, Of The Borg Pasteurization Council
-
- A BORG HEAD IS SO FULL OF LEAD
- WE SHOULD USE THEM AS A PENCIL INSTEAD!
- ---Q-BALL
-
-
- SUPREME BORG NOVELLUS RECEIVED THIS COMMUNICATION FROM A
- MYSTERIOUS SOURCE ON THE PLANET TERRA. MESSAGE FOLLOWS.
- "Sometimes when I sit and stare at my computer, I start to wonder
- If it racks up 10 hour Compuserve sessions after I go to sleep.
- Then, as I stare at my screen-saver, I wonder what my screen is
- being saved from."
- --- Supreme Borg Novellus
-
- .....It's a turf war, on a global scale
- I'd rather hear both sides of the tale
- It's not about races, just places, faces
- where your blood comes from is where your space is....
- Michael Jackson
- Black or White
- DANGEROUS
-
- "Respect is what we owe; Love, what we give."
-
- Philip James Bailey
- (1816-1902)
-
- "How incredible it is that in this fragile existence we
- should hate and destroy one another. There are possibilities
- enough for all who will abandon mastery over others to pursue
- mastery over nature. There is world enough for all to seek their
- happiness in their own way."
-
- Lyndon B. Johnson
- (1908-1973)
- Inaugural address January 1965
-
- "A mother's plea"
-
- To not see the color of ones race
- to only accept and embrace
- There is world enough for each other
- To love my sister, my brother
- Ignorance breeds the beast called war
- That roars each day outside our door
- The death, the anger, a mother's tears
- The flowered graves, the lonely years
- Be this not a honorable war
- But one of disgrace, and gang-fed lore
- The time will come, I do pray
- When all this injustice will fade away
- What kind of life do our children face
- If we adults do not embrace?
- To all mankind, hear this mothers plea
- It is time for peace, between you and me......
- ---Tricius
-
- "Cowards die many times before their deaths, the valiant taste of
- death but once. of all these things I yet have heard I find this
- one most ridiculous."
- Julius Caesar- Act 1 Scene? Line 27-29
- ---Wiggalus of borg
-
- SUPREME BORG NOVELLUS RECEIVED YET A SECOND UNIDENTIFIED MESSAGE
- FROM TERRA.
- "You know, it would kind of make a lot of sense if we beat cows
- to death, because this way, when we got our steaks in the
- supermarket, they would already be tenderized."
- ---Supreme Borg Novellus
-
- WHY DO THEY CALL IT A LUNCH HOUR IF YOU ONLY GET HALF AN HOUR?
-
- ---WIGGALUS OF BORG
-
- That time before you go to sleep and become most creative and do
- a lot good thinking, does Bush or anybody in Congress have that
- phase?
- No?........................ didn't think so.
- ---Man of Borg, always in that state
-
- WHY ASK WHY DRINK BORG DRY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
- ---SUPERMAN/Q (VSFK15A)
-
- YET ANOTHER MYSTERIOUS MESSAGE WAS SENT TO SUPREME BORG NOVELLUS
- FROM THE PLANET TERRA:
- Why is it that we drive on a parkway but park in a driveway?
- Shouldn't it be the other way around? And why is it when you buy
- a package of hot dogs you get 6 hot dogs, but when you buy a
- package of hot dog buns you get 8?
- ---Supreme Borg Novellus
-
- Hey, what if cat is really spelled d-o-g.........
- ---Q-BALL
-
- AND, WHAT IF Q WERE REALLY SPELLED P-I-G? <g>
- ---TRICIUS OF BORG\BETAZED
-
- DON'T YOU HATE IT WHEN THE "NEW MAIL" THING COMES UP ON THE
- SCREEN, AND IT TURNS OUT TO BE SOME ANNOYING ADVERTISEMENT?
- ---HARTIUS OF BORG, WITH AN EMPTY MAILBOX
-
- To ALL, but especially Tricius: Our filial unit requires that we
- submit these quotes for collective perusal, but we are doing this
- UNDER PROTEST!
- 1. There was, I think, never any reason to believe in any innate
- superiority of thee male, except in his superior muscle. Bertrand
- Russell
- 2. (for Weeble) Think what cowards men would be if they had to
- bear children. Women are altogether a superior species. George
- Bernard Shaw
- 3. Most men do not mature, they simply grow taller. Leo Rosten
- 4. Men are but children, too, though they have gray hairs; they
- are only of a larger size. Seneca
- 5. I refuse to consign the whole male sex to the nursery. I
- insist on believing that SOME men are my equals. Brigid Brophy
- 6. Men are too emotional to vote. Their conduct at baseball games
- and political conventions shows this, while their innate tendency
- to appeal to force renders them particularly unfit for the task
- of government.... Man's place is in the armory. Alice Duer
- Miller
- 7. Men are beasts and even beasts do not behave as they do!
- Brigitte Bardot
- 8.Unusually low voices; short life expectancies; odd drab
- costumes; a tendency to sweat, f*rt, and yell. C.E. Crimmins
- 9. The more I see of men, the more I like dogs. Mme de Stael
- 10. A man in the house is worth two in the street. Mae West
- --- Chatsworthus of Borg
-
- My Mother always said: The only difference between men and boys
- is the sound of their voice and the cost of their toys.
- ---Tormin
-
- Now the filial unit has left this portion of the cube for a few
- hours. It's OUR turn!
- 1. G-d created man, and finding him not sufficiently alone, gave
- him a companion to make him feel his solitude more keenly. Paul
- Valery
- 2. A woman is a creature who is always shopping. Ovid
- 3. Women are an alien race of pagans set down among us. Every
- seduction is a conversion. John Updike
- 4. Women are of two sorts. Some of them are wiser, better
- learned, discreeter, and more constant than a number of men. But
- another and a worse sort of them... are fond, foolish, wanton,
- flibbergibs, feeble, careless, rash, proud, dainty, nice
- talebearers, eavesdroppers, rumor-raisers, evil tongued
- worse-minded, and in every way doltified with the dregs of the
- Devil's dunghill. Bishop John Aylmer
- 5. Heav'n has no rage like love to hatred turn'd, nor hell a fury
- like a woman scorn'd. William Congreve
- 6. A woman in love will do almost anything for a man, except give
- up the desire to improve him. Nathaniel Branden
- 7. With women, I've got a long bamboo pole with a leather loop on
- the end of it. I slip the loop around their necks so they can't
- get away or come too close. Like catching snakes. Marlon Brando
- 8. They're asking women to do impossible things. I don't believe
- women can carry a pack, live in a foxhole, or go a week without a
- bath. General Wm Westmoreland
- 9. I do not believe in using women in combat because females are
- too fierce. Margaret Meade
- 10.[lastly] A woman will sometimes forgive the man who tries to
- seduce her, but NEVER the man who misses an opportunity when
- offered. Talleyrand
- 11. [I lied] Blondes have the hottest kisses. Redheads are fair
- to middling torrid, and brunettes are the frigidest of all. It's
- something to do with hormones, no doubt. - Ronald Reagan!!!!!!
- ---Chatsworthus
-
-
- =========
- JOKE TIME
- =========
- What did the BORG SUPREME LEADER say when the Federation sent him
- packing??
-
- I cudda been a container
- ---Q2 (NNKT68B)
-
-
- =================================
- BORG UNIVERSITY COURSE CURRICULUM
- =================================
- The following topics will be offered at the Terran Campus of Borg
- University.
-
- 101.01 -- ASSIMILATION 101. Basic mindwash and introduction to
- Borg concepts. Core course.
- 123.01 -- BASIC BIONICS AND CYBERNETIC IMPLANTS. Guest
- lecturer Lee Majors instructs the class on the proper
- installation and usage of your implants. Required reading
- includes: "Cyborg" by Martin Caidin; "I'm No Fall Guy" by the
- instructor; and "Resistance is Futile: The Technical Manual" by
- Supreme Borg Novellus.
- 231.01 -- CUBE DYNAMICS. Construction and maintenance of all
- cubical spacecraft. Core course.
- 237.01 -- SPEECH. Proper presentation for a Borg unit when
- addressing the collective. Includes the "I" lobotomy and the
- "capital offense" subtopics.
- 237.02 -- SPEECH. Same as above except all classes conducted
- at extreme volumes, in a vacuum, and in Esperanto.
- 242.01 -- VILLAINY AND CONQUERING THE UNIVERSE. Core course
- dealing with the proper techniques for oppressing the masses,
- destroying entire races, obliterating planets, extinguishing
- suns, crushing Star Fleet vessels like tin cans, mocking William
- Shatner's toupee, stealing candy from babies, and other generally
- evil behavior.
- 242.02 -- VILLAINY AND CONQUERING THE UNIVERSE. Due to popular
- demand we will be running a second section of this course.
- Professor D. Vader instructs this section.
- 265.01 -- ALIAS CREATION AND THE IMPACT OF CHOCOLATE PIZZAS
- UPON THE SUBCONSCIOUS MIND OF NEWLY ASSIMILATED UNITS. Discussion
- of "Just how the h*ll did you think of THAT name?"
- 301.01 -- HOME ECONOMICS/HOTEL-RESTAURANT MANAGEMENT. Includes
- basic pizza preparation, information on thermal characteristics
- of chocolate, and how to start and administer your own White
- Castle (TM) Hamburger Restaurant.
- 496.01 -- "ON BEING...JIFFY". A series of lectures on the
- benefits of being JIFFY. Everyone's being JIFFY these days. Spoo
- your way to happiness and JIFFY all day long. Fulfills arts and
- humanities requirements.
- 496.02 -- "ON BEING...CUBEBUSTED". A series of instructional
- seminars on how not to get rooked when you walk into a CubeBuster
- Video (TM) store. Fulfills mathematics requirements.
-
- ---Prof. Ghostwriterus of Borg, Founder of Borg University
-
-
- =============
- ADVERTISEMENT
- =============
- Come on down to SY BORG'S KOSHER DELI AND PIZZA RESTAURANT!!!
- At Sy's you will be treated in good old Brooklyn style ("Hey,
- Snapperhead! Are you gonna order yet?") and be subjected to the
- finest of Kosher Pizza and Chocolate Pastrami sandwiches. (Yes,
- we know that eating chocolate with pastrami sounds kind of sick,
- but just think of our faces when a gentile orders pastrami with
- mayo. THAT'S CRIMINAL!)
-
-
- =======================================
- EDITORIAL: WHERE THE @#%^! IS NOVELLUS?
- =======================================
-
- A Special Discourse by Professor Ghostwriterus of Borg
- ------------------------------------------------------
- The disappearance of our esteemed leader over the last month
- has led many to believe foul play has been at work. After many
- hours of research we have determined it could be due to the
- following:
-
- 1. On vacation with the CEO of EXXON.
- 2. Preparing to sabotage the 1992 Democratic and Republican
- conventions with the assistance of the SWANNOX OF BORG '92
- campaign.
- 3. Writing a 15,000 page discourse on "The Nature and Reason
- for the Irrationality of Fifth Season ST:TNG Staff Writers" on a
- manual typewriter.
- 4. "He's fallen and HE CAN'T GET UP!"
- 5. He is attempting to finish the entire L. Ron Hubbard
- "Mission Earth" dekalogy in one sitting.
- 6. Scalping tickets to the Bruce Springsteen/Elton John
- concert.
- 7. Caught in a recursive time loop and hasn't sent a message
- to the future to inform him what to do in order to get out of it.
- 8. THE VERY WORST POSSIBILITY: Prodigy suspended his account
- until his balance was paid in full. Novellus must have subscribed
- to *P on the 10,191 year plan, but didn't realize the
- subscription had to be paid up front.
-
- Of course, there is another possibility. Was OXNARDUS, the
- esteemed second in command, part of some foul conspiracy to take
- over the BORG CLUB? Could it be that after interfacing with the
- Nick at Nite master computer she downloaded every episode of
- Patty Duke and it ruined her mind, causing her to become
- psychotic and obsessed with total domination of the universe, and
- not even Novellus could stand in her way? Clearly her position on
- the Borg Supreme Court gave her a taste of such awesome power
- that she was determined to get rid of Novellus once and for all!!
- SHE'S A D*MN COMMUNIST I TELL YOU!! CAN'T YOU SEE THAT SHE'S
- EVIL!! FOR GOD'S SAKE, SHE'S AN ATTORNEY!! THEY ARE ALL A BUNCH
- OF NO GOOD LITIGATING CROOKS!! HEY, YOU GET AWAY FROM ME!!! WATCH
- IT WITH THAT STICK OF YOURS!!!
- AIIIIIIIIIEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!
-
-
- =================
- EDITORIAL NOTICES
- =================
- The Borg Club is present on commercial national bulletin board
- services and on many amateur bulletin board networks and local
- areas.
-
- =================
- COPYRIGHT NOTICES
- =================
- "RIF" acknowledges that Paramount Pictures and its various
- subsidiaries as having the sole rights to the Star Trek
- trademark. "RIF" has no intention to infringe upon that copyright
- or earn profit from this publication. It is distributed free of
- charge. "RIF" also acknowledges the Prodigy Services, General
- Electric, and NVN copyrights. This newsletter may be distributed
- by anyone if kept intact and not altered in anyway. Consider it
- shareware publishing! Resistance is Futile, copyright (c) 1992,
- 1993 by RIF BBS
-
- ============================
- BACK ISSUES OF RIF AVAILABLE
- ============================
- Missing an issue? Used your RIF for a place mat or coaster one
- time too many? Just send a self-addressed stamped ($.52) business
- sized envelope to RIF BBS, P.O. Box 7822, Oxnard, CA 93031 and
- that abused issue will be replaced. Please indicate which issue
- you desire. All back issues are available!
-
-
- =========================
- ADDRESSES OF CONTRIBUTORS
- =========================
- ANTHRAXUS (XWFV65D)
- Chatworthus (BFSF75A)
- Fraclictus of Borg (FBJF52A)
- GALAHADUS OF BORG (FBGV45A)
- PROF. GHOSTWRITERUS OF BORG (GMDH77A)
- HARTIUS OF BORG (XCPB76A)
- Man of Borg (KKJF30A)
- Marianus of Borg (NRCR88A)
- Q2 (NNKT68B)
- Q-BALL (NKXF19A)
- Superman/Q (VXFK15A)
- SUPREME BORG NOVELLUS (GMDH77A)
- Tormin Kyril (HJVF56A)
- TRICIUS OF BORG\BETA (FMDD39B)
- Unknown Borg (SFVX06A)
- Victor of BORG (BDGC78A)
- Wiggalus (DVFM22B)
-
-
- RESISTANCE IS FUTILE
- Reprint Issue for Downloading
- [The following newsletter is a special reprint created especially
- for distribution over BBS systems. RIF is the newsletter of the
- "Borg Club", an organization originally only located on the
- Prodigy Network Service from February 1992 to April 1993. It
- expanded into the GEnie Network in May 1993, the NVN Network in
- June 1993, and into various other BBSes and networks from July
- 1993. WARNING: The first seven issues of RIF were assumed to be
- read by Prodigy members. All IDs are Prodigy IDs. Many of the
- references are made to Prodigy idiosyncracies.]
-
-
-
-
-
- Part 1 RIF #4 (08/92)
- _____________ ____________ ____________
- * / R \ */ \ */ \
- * | E ______ | *\____ ____/ *| ________/
- * | S |******| | ****| |*** *| F |********
- * | I | *| | *| | *| U |____
- * | S ~~~~~~~ / *| I | *| T \
- * | T ____ \ *| S | *| I ____/
- * | A |*** \ \ *| | *| L |***
- * | N | * \ \ ___*| |____ *| E |
- * | C | * \ \/ \ *| |
- * \__E_/ * \___/______________/ *\____/
- ***** **** ************** *****
- P.O. Box 7822
- Oxnard, CA 93031
-
- THE OFFICIAL ORGAN OF THE GALACTIC BORG CONSCIOUSNESS
- ISSUE NUMBER 4
- August 1992
-
- RESISTANCE IS FUTILE ("RIF") is published and edited by Oxnardus
- and Ripley for distribution on various national electronic
- services and local electronic BBS echos. Address listings,
- copyright notices, editorial notices, and information on back
- issues are printed at the end of this newsletter. All
- correspondence should be sent by e-mail to Oxnardus or Ripley
- (addresses given at end of newsletter) or mailed to "Resistance
- is Futile", P.O. Box 7822, Oxnard, CA 93031.
-
- =========
- CONTENTS
- =========
- From the Editor-in-Chief
- Messages from the Big Cahuna Emeritus: A Proposal
- Borg Nostalgia: REMEMBER HOW PEEVED SEMENOVICH OF BORG GOT?
- SPOTLIGHT ON SWANNOX OF BORG: BORG PRESIDENTIAL CANDIDATE
- ADVERTISEMENT: Employment Opportunities
- PSYCHIATRIC EVALUATION FOR SERVICE WITH THE BORG SECRET POLICE
- SONG TIME: "WE WISH THEY ALL COULD BE ASSIMILATED BORGS"
- ALIEN PERSPECTIVE: A view from outside the Cube
- BORG TALES: A Serial, Part 4, "We Are Okay"
- BORGS THROUGH HISTORY UPDATE
- BORG SUPREME COURT RULES AND REGULATIONS
- BORG BISTRO RULES
- ADVERTISEMENT: Paid Political Announcement
- BEST RETORT TO A ROGUE BORG
- BORG POLL: How Are You Celebrating the Borgiversary?
- "I, NOVELLUS": Another serial
- BORG SCHOOL OF LAW GRADUATES
- SECURITY PROCEDURES WALKING TOUR: BORG SUPREME COURT
- "BE A BIG CAHUNA FOR 48 HOURS" CONTEST MARGINALLY SUCCESSFUL
- BORG LIBRARY
- ADVERTISEMENT: "I'M PARANOID, HOW 'BOUT YOU?"
- A DAY WITH BSC SECURITY
- BORG AS METAPHOR: An experiment in terror
- NEW POLICY REGARDING BIG BOOK OF BORG
- ADVERTISEMENT: Borg Pro Tech Shun, Ink.
- EDITOR NOTICES
- COPYRIGHT NOTICES
- BACK ISSUES OF RIF AVAILABLE
- ADDRESSES OF CONTRIBUTORS
- BORG CLUB: THE BOARD GAME
-
- ========================
- FROM THE EDITOR-IN-CHIEF
- ========================
- Welcome to SUMMER BORGIVERSARY '92. In celebration of the 6th
- boffo month of the existence of the Borg Club, we humbly present
- the long awaited DOUBLE ISSUE!!!
- Lots have happened in the last six months. The advent and
- rise of the Borg Club on Prodigy has become the stuff of legends.
- Its popularity remains in many ways an enigma if not a complete
- mystery. Nonetheless hundreds and hundreds of people have logged
- on to see where the Borg Club will take them. Some only read the
- posts, some post occasionally, and others have let the club
- consume their lives. Why? Because the Borg Club is a refuge--a
- place to check in at the door our individual realities and join
- with wild abandon a diverse society dedicated to the noble quest
- of absolute silliness, wackiness, and inanity.
- The Borg Club is a survivor in an environment where cliques
- and clubs form and then disappear or transmute at the drop of a
- hat. The Borg Club has a reputation of being an open social forum
- for all types who can tolerate the Borg shenanigans. It also has
- a grand tradition of tolerance.
- We look forward to the next six months. We hope that the Borg
- Club is still around and true to its original charter of being an
- inviting oasis away from the chaos around us, primarily by
- offering a forum for its members to create their own chaos from
- within.
-
- =====================================
- MESSAGES FROM THE BIG CAHUNA EMERITUS
- =====================================
- [Each issue presents a selection of postings from the Supreme
- Borg Emeritus Novellus. For this issue we have chosen a proposal
- for reorganizing the hierarchy of the Borg Consciousness--ed.
- chief.]
-
- A Proposal
- ----------
- SUBJECT: BORG CAHUNA SOLUTION
- THIS UNIT HUMBLY SUGGESTS THE FOLLOWING STEPS TO END THE
- CONTROVERSY SURROUNDING HIS VOLUNTARY SELF-REMOVAL FROM SUPREME
- BORGDOM. SINCE MANY UNITS DESIRE A "PIECE OF DA ACTION" PERHAPS
- THE POWER OF THE FORMER POSITION SHOULD BE SPLIT INTO EQUALLY
- IMPORTANT BUT MORE PERSONABLE SUBDIVISIONS.
- THE SUPREME BORGDOM SHOULD BE DIVIDED AS FOLLOWS:
- (1) SUPREME EXECUTIVE BORG: EXTREMELY SIMILAR TO FORMER
- SUPREME BORG POSITION, EXCEPT MORE "EXECUTIVE-LIKE". WE RECOMMEND
- OXNARDUS FOR THIS POSITION.
- (2) BIG BORG ON CAMPUS (BBOC): A SWELL SUPREME ALL-AROUND GUY
- THAT EVERYONE LIKES. IN CHARGE OF ANYTHING FUN. WE RECOMMEND
- CHATSWORTHUS.
- (3) ULTRA-BORG: NOBODY IS EXACTLY KNOWS WHAT THIS BORG DOES,
- BUT WE KNOW HE/SHE IS REALLY IMPORTANT. RECOMMENDATION: WIGGALUS.
- (4) MOST VALUABLE BORG (MVB): THIS IS A WEEKLY ELECTED
- POSITION WHICH, AS A CONSEQUENCE, CHANGES EVERY WEEK.
- (5) ROYAL PAIN-IN-THE-BORG: THIS IS A ROTATING POSITION WHICH
- CHANGES BY GENERAL CONSENSUS WHEN SOMEONE GETS IRRITATING.
- (6) SECRETARY OF ASSIMILATION: ALTHOUGH PEOPLE SOMETIMES
- REALLY PUT DOWN ON SECRETARIES, THIS IS A REALLY IMPORTANT
- POSITION. DUTIES INCLUDE BEING THE BOSS OF PERSONS MANAGING THE
- WELCOME WAGON. RECOMMENDATION:MARIANUS
- (7) SUPREME BORG IN CHARGE OF THE SHEEP DIP: ALRIGHT BRUCES,
- ONE O' YEWSE FELLAS HAS GOTTA MAINTAIN OUR FOOD SUPPLY. REMEMBER,
- TO BORGS THIS IS VITAL. A LOT MORE IMPORTANT THAN IT SOUNDS AT
- FIRST, REALLY BIG STUFF. MONDO IMPORTANTE--AND BESIDES, YOU GET
- TO TAKE THE SPARE PIZZA, COLA DRINKS, AND DIP HOME.
- RECOMMENDATION: TRICIUS.
- (8) SUPREME GRAMMATICAL INQUISITOR: IN CHARGE OF MAINTAINING
- AND ENFORCING PROPER IMPERSONALITY, CAPITALIZATION, SPELLING,
- GRAMMAR AND OTHER PAIN-IN-THE-BORG STUFF. THIS UNIT WOULD GIVE A
- RECOMMENDATION BUT DOES NOT KNOW WHO WOULD TAKE IT.
- (9) SUPREME CAHUNUS-GRANDIOSEUS: YES, THE JOB IS AS TOUGH AS
- IT SOUNDS! INCLUDES LOTS OF TOUGH STUFF, LIKE FLUFFING THE
- PILLOWS AND PUTTING THE DINNER MINTS ON THEM. RECOMMENDATION:
- SWANNOX OF BORG.
- (10) NO. 10. (YES, NUMBER TEN. IMAGINE YOU ARE ON THE ISLAND
- WITH PATRICK MCGOOHAN.): NUMERO-DIEZ IS TENTH IN COMMAND!!!!
- WHILE THIS MAY SOUND PUNY, NO. 10 SECRETLY USES BINARY, AND
- SINCE THEY DON'T PROPERLY KNOW HOW TO USE BINARY, THEY ARE UNDER
- THE ILLUSION THAT IT IS REALLY MUCH FARTHER UP ON THE LIST.
- RESPONSIBILITIES ARE MINIMAL. ANY VOLUNTEERS?
- (11) SUPREME MENTOR. (ME). SORT OF LIKE THE POPE, DOESN'T GET
- TUMORS. REALLY GOOD AT RECOMMENDING STUFF.
- ---NOVELLUS, SUPREME MENTOR AND SUPREME BORG EMERITUS.
-
-
- ==============
- BORG NOSTALGIA
- ==============
- [Borg Nostalgia happily reminisces about those past wild and
- wacky hi-jinks on the Borg Prodigy (tm) boards. This month
- highlights a mighty miffed Semenovich. -- ed. chief]
-
- REMEMBER HOW PEEVED SEMENOVICH OF BORG GOT
- WHEN THAT UNIT WAS DENIED THE PROSECUTOR POSITION
- AT THE BORG SUPREME COURT?
- -------------------------------------------------
-
- TODAY'S HEADLINES
- +++++++++++++++++
- THE NEW BORG TIMES, DAILY BORG, IL BORGO AND BORG PRAVDA REPORTED
- IN THIS MORNING'S ISSUES:
- "BORG SUPREME COURT SCANDAL"
- "CHIEF JUSTICE DITCHES VETERAN PROSECUTOR"
- "FAVORITISM AND GAVEL LICKING IN BORG COURTROOM"
- "SUPREME COURT LINKAGE TO USED IMPLANTS BUSINESS"
- "SEMENOVICH REINSTATEMENT 24 HOUR DEADLINE'S UP!"
- "CHIEF JUSTICE GOES OVERBOARD, COLLECTIVE IS DEPRIVED FROM THEIR
- ELECTED PROSECUTOR WHO REFUSED TO GROVEL"
- "CORRUPT JUDGE AND EVIL DOCTORS DO AWAY WITH PROSECUTOR"
- "PROSECUTED PROSECUTOR - BEGINNING OF THE END?"
- "MARIANUS NOT ADMITTING FAULT, NEW BORG RIOTS IN LA"
- "FERENGI CELEBRATE THE NEWS, CHAOS ENSUES"
- "Bee/Tee/Que HOME WORLDS ANNOUNCE THEIR CHOICE FOR A BORG OF THE
- YEAR: CHIEF JUSTICE MARIANUS"
- "FISH STINKS FROM THE HEAD, FOUL SMELL IN BSC"
- ---Semenovich of Borg
-
- Spokesborg for the former prosecutor gave a brief interview to
- press:
- "The likes of Semenovich don't kiss axle. He knew too much.
- Many highly positioned units have tried to bribe him to no avail
- (didn't offer enough). Chief Justice herself was the subject of a
- special secret investigation with some startling revelations
- about to be announced. Semenovich's inspection of danubian jails
- was a part of the master plan, a trap of sorts, that worked per-
- fectly. Current buy-off is now 50% or our report will be
- submitted to papers within 12 hours." Do svidania.
- ---Semenovich of Borg
- __ __ __ __ _____
- |\ | | | | | | |\/| |\/| |_ |\ | |
- | \| |__| |__ |__| | | | | |__ | \| |
- ---CHIEF JUSTICE MARIANUS
-
- ARE YOU SAYING THAT MY ROOMMATE IS CORRUPT??? BOY, YOU WOULD
- THINK A GUY WOULD HAVE NOTICED THIS AFTER ALL THIS TIME!! I AM
- AVAILABLE FOR INTERVIEWS, THOUGH. HOW MUCH WILL YOU PAY?
- ---ROBINUS, KNOWS A LOT OF DIRT
-
- PRESS RELEASE: CHIEF JUSTICE MARIANUS APPEARED BEFORE THE PRESS
- TODAY TO RESPOND TO ALLEGATIONS VOICED BY THE UNIT SEMENOVICH.
- MARIANUS STATED THAT SEMENOVICH WAS NOT CHOSEN FOR THE POST OF
- PROSECUTOR BECAUSE HE NEVER APPLIED FOR THE JOB. "IT IS VERY
- DIFFICULT TO CONSIDER SOMEONE FOR A POSITION IF WE'VE NEVER HEARD
- OF HIM BEFORE," SAID THE CHIEF JUSTICE. AS TO THE ALLEGATIONS
- PERTAINING TO GAVEL LICKING, IT IS STANDARD PROCEDURE IN THE BORG
- COURTS. "HOW ELSE ARE WE GONNA KEEP 'EM CLEAN," ASKED ONE OF THE
- COURT JANITORS. "IF SEMENOVICH DID NOT KNOW THIS VERY BASIC
- ELEMENT OF THE BORG COURTS, PERHAPS IT IS A GOOD THING THAT HE
- WASN'T HIRED," AN INSIDER WAS HEARD TO REPLY. DESPITE ALL OF THE
- NEGATIVE PRESS (ALL OF WHICH IS UNCONFIRMED) BY SEMENOVICH
- TOWARDS THE CHIEF JUSTICE, MARIANUS FEELS SYMPATHY FOR HIM. "HE
- MUST BE VERY MUCH IN NEED OF A COMPLETE SYSTEM DIAGNOSTIC," SAID
- MARIANUS, "I WOULD BE VERY HAPPY TO PAY FOR IT, IF HE CANNOT DO
- SO HIMSELF."
- ---Marianus
-
- ============================
- SPOTLIGHT ON SWANNOX OF BORG
- ============================
-
- BORG PRESIDENTIAL CANDIDATE
- ---------------------------
- Swannox is the candidate for the common Borg! He, along with
- his trustworthy female candidate for Vice President, Clueless,
- will rid this country forever of drab politicians who have even
- drabber spouses! (Spice?) This cube of Borg are all fed up with
- Wussh, Perrier, and even Wild Bill! Swannox's platform is simple:
- A pizza for everyone, and everyone for a pizza! Believe in
- Swannox and Clueless; they will do to this government what it has
- been doing to the rest of us for many years! AND THEN SOME!
- ---Chatsworthus of Borg
-
- LADIES AND GENTLEBORG, THE FIRST BORG PRESIDENT OF THE
- ASSIMILATED STATES OF AMERICA, SWANNOX OF BORG (FLASHING OF
- LITTLE RED LIGHTS):
- MY FELLOW BORG, WE ARE HERE TODAY TO GIVE OUR FIRST OFFICIAL
- SPEECH OF THE CAMPAIGN. FIRST OF, WE WOULD LIKE TO EXPLAIN THE
- PROPOSED MISSPELLED WORD TICKET. A % OF THE MONEY COLLECTED
- WOULD GO TOWARD EDUCATION OF BORG, ANOTHER % OF THE MONEY
- COLLECTED WILL GO TOWARD PAYING OFF ANY BORG PIZZA TABS. THE
- OTHER 90% WILL BE USED TO THROW THE MOTHER OF ALL PIZZA PARTIES.
- NOW THE REASON WE CALLED THIS PRESS CONFERENCE, WE ARE
- STARTING THE 1000 PIZZA TOPPINGS PROGRAM. EACH WEEK WE WILL
- AWARD ONE LUCKY BORG WHO HAS CONTRIBUTED TO THE SWANNOX AND
- CLUELESS CAMPAIGN. WE WILL NAME THE LUCKY BORG THIS WEEKS PIZZA
- TOPPING. NOW THIS WEEKS RECIPIENT IS.....CHATSWORTHUS OF
- BORG!!!!!!!!! YOU ARE NOW THE PIZZA TOPING OF THE WEEK! AND THE
- PIZZA TOPPING WE HAVE PICKED FOR YOU IS POTATO(e). YOU ARE NOW
- POTATO CHATSWORTHUS OF BORG. ALL HAIL POTATO CHATSWORTHUS OF
- BORG!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
- ---SWANNOX OF BORG
-
-
- =============
- ADVERTISEMENT
- =============
-
- Employment Opportunities
- ------------------------
- Thee Jiffy Cube & Pete's A Pal Ice an ounces thee fall owe
- wing openings:
-
- Pete's A Pal Ice Die Vision:
- Man Age Oar; As Cyst Aunt Man Age Oar; Chief Chef; As Cyst
- Aunt Chefs; Chief Bar Tend Or; As Cyst Ant Bar Tend Oars; Weight
- Oars; Weight Tresses; Bus Buoys; Bus Gurr Els; Doe Mess Tick Inn
- Gin Ears; Park King At Tend Aunts; Strip Tease Oars (awl sects)
-
- Jiffy Cube Die Vision:
- Man Age Or; As Cyst Ant Man Age Or; Mick Can Icks; Body Purr
- Suns; Jan It Tours
-
- Wee awl sew knead corps oar it purr sun el:
- Corps Oar It Secret Terry; Vice Prez Id Dent; Lee Gull Cow Inn
- Sell; Pub Lick Relate Shuns VP
- App ply or joust claim a Poe sit shun.
- ---TeaBorg, CEO, CFO, COTB.
-
- ==============================================================
- PSYCHIATRIC EVALUATION FOR SERVICE WITH THE BORG SECRET POLICE
- ==============================================================
-
- QUESTIONS:
- 1) DO YOU HAVE A SECRET DESIRE TO BE HOWARD STERN OR MORTON
- DOWNEY JR.?
- 2) WHAT ARE YOUR FEELINGS ABOUT THE DUST BUSTER CONTROVERSY OVER
- POSSIBLE JUNK FOOD VIOLATION RAMIFICATIONS?
- 3) WHAT IS YOUR FAVORITE COLOR?
- 4) WHEN YOU LOOK AT THIS PICTURE, WHAT DO YOU SEE?
- * *
- <<<<*^***^*) (*^***^*>>>>>
- ( *((* *((* )
- || ||
- 5) WHAT'S THE FIRST THING THAT POPS INTO YOUR HEAD WHEN WE SAY
- THE WORD "I"?
- 6) WE'RE IN JIFFY CUBE WHEN A FERENGI CLAIMING HE HAS AN EAR WAX
- PROBLEM GRABS A Q AND PROCEEDS TO STICK THE Q'S FINGERS IN HIS
- EARS. WHAT SHOULD WE DO?
- A) RESCUE THE Q AND DETAIN THE FERENGI FOR QUESTIONING.
- B) DISINTEGRATE THE FERENGI.
- C) DISINTEGRATE THE Q.
- D) INVENT Q-TIPS.
- 7) WHAT IS THE PREFERRED FORM OF DOVE BAR FOR THE BORG:
- A) WITH ALMONDS.
- B) WITHOUT ALMONDS.
- C) MELTED.
- 8) WHEN DEALING WITH TOURISTS WE SHOULD ALWAYS:
- A) OFFER THEM ASSIMILATION.
- B) OFFER THEM PIZZA.
- C) ASK IF THEY ARE HUMOR IMPAIRED AND WANT AN INTERPRETER.
- D) ALL OF THE ABOVE.
- ---TRICIUS OF BORG
-
- Dr. Tricius,
- Here are the results of our test:
- 1) I have a secret desire to be (c) Charlie Tuna
- 2) Stand on Dust Buster Controversy: Dust busters are great for
- picking uneaten crumbs so that we can sprinkle them over Cookie
- Dough Ice Cream.
- 3) Favorite color? Black... silver is a close second.
- 4) Pixel Blot Test: I see two Borgs dancing to an old Silver
- Convention tune.
- 5) First thought after seeing the letter "I": Indigestion (burp)
- 6) Jiffy Cube Ferengi with ear wax problem: (e) Help him cram
- the rest of the Q into his ear.
- 7) Most preferred Dove Bar: (d) The all new scent brand that suds
- up really good.
- 8) When dealing with Tourists...(e) Charge them twice the price!
-
- ---Allofus of Borg
-
-
- ===========
- SONG TIME!!
- ===========
-
- "WE WISH THEY ALL COULD BE ASSIMILATED BORGS"
- ---------------------------------------------
- BY: THE BEACH BORGS
-
- WELL, KLINGONS SURE ARE HIP,
- I REALLY DIG THOSE STYLES THEY WEAR.
- AND THE FEDERATION WITH THE WAY THEY DRESS,
- THEY KEEP 'UM CUT WAY DOWN TO THERE.
-
- THE NEWEST FASHION BY ROMULANS
- ALWAYS HAVE THOSE SHOULDER PADS.
- AND THE VULCANS SURE ARE THE ONES TO WATCH
- WHEN KEEPING UP WITH CURRENT FADS.
-
- BUT WE WISH THEY ALL COULD BE ASSIMILATED BORGS
- <wish they all could be assimilated>
- WE WISH THEY ALL COULD BE ASSIMILATED BORGS
- DEE DEE DEE DEE ... DEE DEE DEE DEE...
-
- NOW THE SIMPLICITY OF THE PAKLEDS
- REALLY MAKES US FEEL ALRIGHT.
- AND THE PARTY GIRLS DOWN ON ANGEL ONE,
- THEY KEEP THE MEN IN LINE FOR SPITE.
- THE COMPUTER DEPENDANT BINARS
- ALWAYS DO THEIR THING IN TWOS.
- NOW, THAT MAY SEEM KINDA CROWDED TO SOME,
- BUT NOT A LOT FOR ME AND YOU.
-
- BUT WE WISH THEY ALL COULD BE ASSIMILATED BORGS
- <wish they all could be assimilated>
- WE WISH THEY ALL COULD BE ASSIMILATED BORGS
-
- WELL, SPECIES OF ALL DIFFERENT KINDS
- WILL ALWAYS COME AND GO
- THE FERENGI DUDES ARE A MUTATED FORM
- OF THE ELEPHANT "DUMBO"
- THE Q RACE ON THE OTHER HAND
- HAVE GOT A CERTAIN CHARM
- WE SEE THEM WEARING THEIR LATEST THREADS
- DOWN ON THE FUNNY FARM.
-
- BUT WE WISH THEY ALL COULD BE ASSIMILATED BORGS
- <wish they all could be assimilated>
- WE WISH THEY ALL COULD BE ASSIMILATED BORGS
-
- THE BETAZED ARE COOLEST, MAN,
- THEY'RE RARELY VERY RUDE.
- AND WHAT THE HECK, IF YA MARRY ONE,
- YOU GET TO DO SO IN THE NUDE.
- NOW DATA HE'S A FUNNY GUY
- WHO ALWAYS WILL GO FAR
- BUT HE MAKES US WONDER WHO HE'S SEEIN' NOW
- THAT THERE'S NO TASHA YAR.
-
- BUT WE WISH THEY ALL COULD BE ASSIMILATED BORGS
- <wish they all could be assimilated>
- WE WISH THEY ALL COULD BE ASSIMILATED BORGS
- ---BROUGHT TO YOU BY: TRICIUS O' BORG
-
- =================
- ALIEN PERSPECTIVE
- =================
- [Alien Perspective is a semi-regular forum where hostiles are
- invited to speak their minds about issues which affect or
- interest the Borg. This issues' perspective is from a Don--ed.]
-
- A view from outside the Cube
- ----------------------------
- By--Don
- Can a non-assimilated lifeform get a fair shake in
- Borgaritaville's court system? This one didn't.
- Recently I found it necessary to bring a Borg citizen up
- before the Borg Supreme Court on charges of slander. The
- experience was, to say the least, like running into a wall.
- It all began when one, Chatsworthus of Borg, entered a
- non-assimilated sector and went about his business of trying to
- assimilate a Ms. Goldman, using the tired "canned note" method.
- (A copy of this canned note will be printed in is entirety
- following this editorial) This canned note contains slanderous
- remarks about Coke drinkers as well as misleading information
- concerning the Borg court system and its hierarchy. [These
- portions have been highlighted in the canned notes--ed.] Now, it
- is understandable that on occasion, most Borg wouldn't be able to
- name all the members of the Supreme Court. But Mr. Chatsworthus
- is also an Associate Justice for the very same court! He tells
- new recruits wrong information about who sits the bench and
- dispenses justice. You'd think he'd know who he worked with.
- The Coke remarks speak for themselves, and I'm sure Coke
- drinkers will fully understand the reasons behind this editorial.
- You chocolate soda drinkers are beyond trying to convince.
- I asked Chief Justice Marianus for a date to bring Mr.
- Chatsworthus up before the bench. I was given "Three weeks after
- the next leap year" as
- my day in court. Now I was forced retain the services of a fine
- (albeit scuzzy) lawyer, who naturally asked the Chief Justice to
- disqualify herself. A witness was willing to testify that the
- Chief Justice was seen drinking Coke at a concert. She was also
- violating any lifeforms right to a speedy trial.
- I was willing to put up evidence that the Chief Justice had
- tried to discuss case matters with the defendant prior to the
- trial, and that she even tried to blackmail my attorney by
- releasing details of his sordid private life. None of this was
- heard by the court and I was summarily ruled against. I also
- received scrambled messages from the accused admitting to his
- guilt, but you'll just have to take my word on that, as scrambled
- messages cannot be reprinted.
- So my friends, if you are on one with the Borg, and find it
- necessary to go before a Borg court, watch your a**.
- Call me if you need a good lawyer.
- Here's the Canned assimilation speech complete with typo's and
- bad grammar:
- ARTS CLUB
- Topic: STAR TREK Time: 07/03
- 8:04 PM To: SARAH GOLDMAN
- (CJVW05D) From: DICK FELDMAN (BFSF75A)
- Subject: JOKE TIME
- Sarah: Only fanatics and roleplayers? Hardly. There are also
- those of us who enjoy parody and satire. Pepsi, terrible puns,
- and PIZZA!!!! Come on up to the Borg Cubes, and seehow to PAR-
- TAYYYYY!!!! Here's the canned, pre-prepared note: New Assimilatee
- to be: Glad you came! The Borg origionally were from the Star
- Trek Next Generation show, as they were a race of Cyborgs, who
- went around generally being nasty and assimilating every culture
- they encountered into the collective consciousness. We have
- modified the concept ever so slightly. We are the junk-food
- consuming, party animal, gerneral good time Borg! We go from
- galaxy to galaxy eating pizza, chocolate, pepsi (or in fairness
- to other less sophisticated units, coke), dove or/and snickers
- bars, etc etc. MANY OF THE BORG INSIST UPON BEING FORCEFUL AND
- USING ALL CAPS, BUT IT HURTS THIS UNIT'S OPTIC AND OTIC RE-
- CEPTORS! We are loyal to the Supreme Borg Novellus. The "Q" are a
- race of (self proclaimed) omnipotent beings, who generally like
- to make mischief. They are, as we say elsewhere, mostly harmless.
- We have a lot of fun jerking each other around, but there are
- only a few goofs, and they soon tire and go back into the
- woodwork for a month or two. The Oxnardus unit, ID# HCMH17A, is
- the local Welcomecube Borg, and by now even as we
- communicate, is probably contacting you! Concerning baby sitting:
- Many of our units are CONSTANTLY searching for good (read that as
- "cheap") baby sitters, to sit upon their offspring units and
- grant the parental units a moment of respite... Our Presidential
- and Vice Presidential candidates are Swannox and Clueless.
- Swannox is the candidate of the Common Borg, and Clueless is the
- Vice President this cube deserves! Vote Early! Vote Often! Have
- your friends do the same! BTW: We "live" in "cubes", as the
- origional Borg ship was shaped like a very very very very very
- very very very large building block. The Borg Supreme Court, with
- Chief Justice Marianus, Associate Justices Oxnardus and, ahem,
- Chatsworthus, is ready to dispense with justice around here!!!!!
- We were BORGed READY! Also, "life" is never boring around here...
- Climb aborG, we're expecting you! The Borg cube, making another
- run....
- Chatsworthus of Borg
- ---Don Teal
-
- ==========
- BORG TALES
- ==========
- A Serial
- Part 4
-
- "We Are Okay"
- -------------
- We regained our consciousness to the sound of a the soft purr
- of a thousand voices. We slowly opened our eyes and were
- instantly blinded by a thousand points of light. Great, we
- thought, we had been assimilated by a rogue group of Republicans.
- Here we were, plugged into a convention cube. Convention cube?
- We paused for a moment. Plugged in? The Republicans were known
- to play rough in this sector, but not this rough. Perhaps it
- wasn't the Republicans after all.
- We tried to remove a crick from our neck but we discovered
- that all of us was attached to a large box-like object secured to
- a wall of a metallic grating. Very peculiar. We further noted
- that we were wearing a black leather jumpsuit with microchips and
- tubing hanging out of our torso. Rather strange. We glanced at
- our left arm and saw metallic pincers instead of a hand and
- fingers. Quite bizarre. As we focused on the objects around us,
- we deduced we had some kind of enhanced eyepiece over our left-
- eye. Downright odd. We asked ourselves, why all this mutilation
- of our left organs and appendages? Why was nothing done to the
- right? Hmmm, we thought--more Republican trickery?
- The thousand of voices began to focus. We could distinguish
- murmurings which sounded like "Swannox and Clue in '92" and "The
- delegate from the great Cube of..." Thoughts dashed through our
- consciousness. It had to be the Republicans, obviously in the
- midst of an evil plot to force innocent space travellers to
- attend their boring conventions. Or, was it a group of rogue Borg
- Republicans, who were merely mimicking convention behavior from
- instincts honed from times too far back to be conscious memories.
- But, did Republicans exist who liked pizza and snack foods in
- mass quantities? Or, did they merely manufacture and merchandise
- them? Our head reeled from all these thoughts. We felt like our
- head would explode. Just then, instead of the rather squishy
- sound one associated with a head exploding, we heard an obnoxious
- click. Instantaneously, our thought processes became clearer and
- we began to process information at an incredible pace. We were
- absorbing and categorizing data at the same time we were
- perceiving it. What a rush.
- There were thousands, nay tens of thousands, of other units
- plugged in around us, above us, and below us. The grating which
- surrounded us and gave us support allowed us to view the masses
- of units. It was logical to assume that there were even more
- units than we had visual access to. This place was big and
- packed. The Republicans were big in this sector, but not this
- big.
- We noted that our left arm, or what used to be our left arm,
- was a tad loose from the box. We shook and shimmied it for what
- seemed to be hours until it popped out of the plug. With an arm
- free, we were able to work diligently on the other body parts.
- In our struggle, we saw from a small corner of our eye an item on
- the wall which resembled a low-end dustbuster. As we moved to
- check for any other body parts that may have been attached to the
- wall, we hit the item with such force that it fell down and made
- a sharp KER-PLUNK. For about five seconds, all the voices
- stopped. You could have heard an isolinear chip drop. It was
- rather disturbing as we had become used to the thousand voices.
- Before we could react to it (let alone appreciate it), a
- deafening WOOGA WOOGA blasted through the cube. We could hear
- the pitter patter of cybernetic feet jogging towards us. The
- voices started up and we heard the phrase "Possible junk food
- violation in sector 2X51" over and over again.
-
- Next installment: Part 5: "Up the River"
-
- ============================
- BORGS THROUGH HISTORY UPDATE
- ============================
- [a running joke]
-
- People
- ------
- Borg, Neils (1885-1962) - Quantum physicist, father of the
- Yugo Drive
- Bourgbon - French royal dynasty; whiskey
- Borgnaparte, Napoleon - French ruler, shorter and smarter than
- most Borg
- Borchgrevink, Carsten Edeborg (1864-1934) - First Norvegian in
- Antartica
- Borglivar, Simon (1783-1830) - Liberator of Latin countries
- Borgtvinnik, Mikhail - Russian chess world champion
- Borgbury, Ray - American science fiction writer, chronicled
- the Martians
- Borgeoisie - Social and economic class of merchants and
- entrepreneurs
-
- Arts and Literature
- -------------------
- Borghemian Rhapsody - Hit by Queen, featured in Wayne's World
- Borglero - Spanish dance; orchestral work by Ravel
- Borgheme, La - Famous opera
- Borghemia, Scandal in - Sherlock Holmes story
- Borgshoi Ballet - Ballet company
-
- Science
- -------
- Borgzoy - Russian Wolfhound, for sniffing out/tracking mobile
- pizza joints
- Borgdae - Reptile family, which includes pythons and boas,
- popular pets
- Borgo Offinalis - Plant, grown for bee feeding; Borg lettuce
- substitute
- Borgaine Minerals - Compounds of borgon and oxygen; Borg
- snacks
- Borgax - Sodium tetraborgate decahydrate (Na2B4O7.10H2S); Mayo
- substitute
-
- Geography
- ---------
- St. Petersborg (Leninborg/Petroborg) - Russian city, cradle of
- revolution
- Brandenborg - German city; Bach (Boargch) concerto
- Borgkhara - Asian region of former USSR, famous for its rugs
- Borglivia - South American Republic, borgered by Borgzil,
- Borgaguay and Borgentina.
- Borglogna - Italian province, famous for its cold cuts
- Borgneville - Prehistoric lake in Pleistocene Epoch; Car, U.S.
- version of Yugo
- Borga-Borga - Polynesian volcanic islands; Borg National
- Anthem
- Borga Peak - Highest point (12,662 ft) in Idaho, popular for
- bungee jumping
- Borgdeaux & Borgundy - Wine regions in France
- ---Semenovich of Borg
-
- ========================================
- BORG SUPREME COURT RULES AND REGULATIONS
- ========================================
- 1. AS SOON AS A JUSTICE IS APPROACHED ABOUT TAKING ON A CASE,
- THEY MUST INFORM THE CHIEF JUSTICE AS TO ITS IMPORTANCE TO THE
- COLLECTIVE AND WHY THEY THINK WE SHOULD ACCEPT IT.
- 2. THE JUSTICE MUST GIVE THE CHIEF JUSTICE ONE DOVE BAR.
- 3. THE COUNSEL FOR THE CLIENT WILL BE INDICATED BY THE CLIENT.
- IT IS NOT THE WAY OF OUR COURT TO APPOINT COUNSEL FOR THEM AND
- ANY JUSTICE FOUND DOING SO WILL BE PENALIZED BY BEING LOCKED IN
- THE BROOM CLOSET WITH BEAST DURING DINNER HOUR.
- 4. THE COUNSEL MUST GIVE THE CHIEF JUSTICE ONE DOVE BAR.
- 5. THE COUNSEL WILL PRESENT ALL OF ITS EVIDENCE IN ONE POSTING.
- THAT MEANS ALL THE EVIDENCE. NO FUTURE EVIDENCE WILL BE ACCEPTED.
- 6. THE CLIENT MUST MAKE SURE THAT THEY HAVE TOLD THEIR COUNSEL
- EVERYTHING BECAUSE OF RULE #5.
- 7. THE CLIENT MUST GIVE THE CHIEF JUSTICE ONE DOVE BAR.
- 8. AFTER THE TWO POSTINGS OF THE COUNSELS, THE JUSTICES WILL
- DELIBERATE AND REPORT BACK THEIR VOTE.
- 9. THE DECISION OF THIS COURT IS FINAL. THERE ARE NO APPEALS
- [but lots of dove bars--ed. chief].
- 10. SEPARATE FEES WILL BE CHARGED DEPENDING ON THE AMOUNT OF
- WORK THE JUSTICES HAVE TO DO. PEZ IS ALWAYS ACCEPTED.
- 11. WHEN THE ENTIRE TRIAL IS OVER, EVERYONE IN THE COURTROOM
- WILL GIVE THE CHIEF JUSTICE A DOVE BAR.
- 12. THESE RULES ARE TO BE FOLLOWED AT ALL TIMES. ANYONE
- DEVIATING FROM THESE RULES WILL BE PUNISHED AT THE WHIM OF THE
- JUSTICES.
- ---Chief Justice Marianus
-
- =================
- BORG BISTRO RULES
- =================
- 1. WITH THE EXCEPTION OF THE BISTRO BOUNCER, PHOENIXUS, ALL Q'S
- AND OTHER BEINGS WITH GODLIKE POWERS MUST CHECK IN THEIR POWERS
- AT THE DOOR.
- 2. IF A UNIT IS TOO DRUNK TO REACH THE BAR, THE BARTENDER WILL
- HELP THAT UNIT TO THE BAR.
- 3. UNLESS THE CUSTOMER HAS APPROPRIATE DISCOUNT, ALL PRICES
- WILL BE CUBED AT THE REGISTER.
- 4. ANYONE ATTEMPTING TO PICK A FIGHT IN THE BISTRO WILL BE
- TURNED INTO SPAM OR (GOD HELP US) CHICKEN MCNUGGETS. HOWEVER, THE
- PEOPLE IN DISPUTE WILL BE ESCORTED OUTSIDE. AS SOON AS THEY LEAVE
- THE BISTRO, RULE 1 IS VOID.
- 5. ANYONE ATTEMPTING TO START A PARTY IN THE BISTRO WILL GET A
- FREE CASE OF THEIR FAVORITE BEVERAGE.
- 6. IF A PARTY GETS REALLY WILD, DRINKS ARE ON THE HOUSE.
- 7. IF A FOOD FIGHT OCCURS, CREAM PIES WILL BE PROVIDED TO EACH
- SIDE FOR NOTHING.
- 8. WITH THE EXCEPTION OF PHOENIXUS, ANYONE WITHOUT A CONSTANT
- PARTY LOOK WILL BE EXPELLED.
- 9. ANYONE MAKING FUN OF BILL SHATNER'S TOUPEE WILL BE
- APPLAUDED.
- 10. KITCHEN RAIDS ARE ALLOWED WITH A DISCOUNT CARD.
- ---Randinius
-
- ============
- ADVERTISEMENT
- ============
-
- Paid Political Announcement
- ---------------------------
- IT IS AMAZING THAT SO FEW PEOPLE REALLY KNOW NOVELLUS. A UNIT
- WHO ONCE COMMANDED FAR MORE RESPECT THAN HE DOES TODAY. SO LITTLE
- RESPECT FOR THE UNIT WHO CREATED YOUR COLLECTIVE.
- THE FANCY NEW "RESISTANCE IS FUTILE" NUMBER THREE WAS
- DESIGNED, EDITED, LAID OUT AND CREATED BY THAT POOR UNIT WHICH
- WOULD BE HAPPY IF HE HAD AS MUCH RESPECT AS DAN QUAYLE OR EVEN
- NIXON. BUT YOU INGRATES DON'T EVEN GIVE HIM THAT MUCH. AT THE
- VERY LEAST HE KNOWS HOW TO SPELL POTATOE.
- THINK ABOUT WHAT THE WORLD WOULD HAVE BEEN LIKE WITHOUT
- NOVELLUS.
- 1. NO BORG CLUB. PERIOD.
- 2. NO REFUGE FROM AMG AND MTH AND LIKEWISE SYMPATHIZERS.
- 3. NO DOVE BARS.
- 4. NO PIZZA.
- 5. NO SINGLE ORGANIZED PLACE TO GATHER AND MAKE NEW FRIENDS
- ON SCI-FI/STAR TREK. LOOK AT THE OTHER CLUBS; THEY ARE PALE BY
- COMPARISON.
- 6. NO OXNARDUS. PERIOD.
- NOVELLUS MADE THE DECISION TO TRANSCEND THE CAHUNAHOOD AND
- BECOME MENTOR, A FAR MORE EXALTED POSITION. THAT'S RIGHT, WHEN
- PUSH COMES TO SHOVE, ITS REALLY HIM THAT RUNS THE SHOW.
- THERE IS NO DOUBT THAT OXNARDUS IS THE BOSS. BUT EVERY NATION
- WITH A PRIME MINISTER REQUIRES A SUPREME PONTIFF OR A MONARCH.
- THAT IS WHAT NOVELLUS REPRESENTS.
- SO I HEREBY ENACT "THE MOVEMENT TO RE-EXALT NOVELLUS". YOUR
- SUPPORT IS NEEDED TO KEEP OUR CLUB UNITED AND NOVELLUS HAPPY, OR
- LORD KNOWS WHAT HE WILL DO.
- ---GHOSTWRITERUS OF BORG, PRESIDENT OF BORG U. AND FOUNDER OF
- "THE MOVEMENT TO RE-EXALT NOVELLUS"
-
- ===========================
- BEST RETORT TO A ROGUE BORG
- ===========================
- BUT WHAT FUN IS THAT? EVERY NEW PLANET IS AN ENTIRELY NEW REALM
- OF PIZZA TOPPINGS, WHAT A WASTE TO DESTROY WHAT WE HAVE YET TO
- COOK.
- --- OLYMPIUS
-
- =========
- BORG POLL
- =========
-
- How Are You Celebrating the Borgiversary?
- -----------------------------------------
- WELL, SINCE THIS IS NO ORDINARY HOLIDAY, I PLAN TO GET MY CHROME
- SHINED, MY LEATHER BUFFED AND POLISHED, AND REPLACE MY OPTICAL
- LENSES WITH THE GOLD RIMMED VERSION. THEN, I WILL PUT ON MY HANDY
- BAR-BE-QUE ATTACHMENT AND COOK 'TIL THE COALS ARE DEAD. THERE
- WILL BE OVERFLOWING CHOCOLATE MILK FOUNTAINS, PEPSI (AND COKE FOR
- CHATS), AND I WILL ORDER DOMINO'S PIZZA SO MANY TIMES THAT THE
- DELIVERY BOY WILL START CALLING ME MOM. FOR THOSE WHO BECOME
- "PARTIED-OUT", THERE WILL BE BIG FEATHER BEDS WITH DOWN PILLOWS
- AND WARM COMFORTERS. IT WILL BE THE EVENT OF THE DECADE.
- ---Chief Justice Marianus--ALL ARE INVITED, NO ONE TURNED AWAY
- (NOT EVEN DON)
-
- A Borg BALL... billions of borgs boogeying to the Borgles, Borg
- Company, David Borgie, and Borgman Turner Overdrive.
- ---Allofus of Borg, agent to the stars
-
- What I'm doing to help celebrate the Borgiversary is: Publish a
- special issue of Subspace News, one that has all the RIF's in it
- as well as a all the issues of RIF rolled into one.
- ---EX-LAXIUS
-
- =============
- "I, NOVELLUS"
- =============
- Another serial
- Part 1
- ONE DAY, WE WERE WATCHING OUR GRANDCHILDREN PLAY IN THE
- ATRIUM, AND WONDERING WHO WOULD BE THE SUCCESSOR TO OUR HUSBAND,
- CAESAR AUGUSTUS OF BORG, OF ALL OUR GRANDCHILDREN NOVELLUS SEEMED
- THE MOST UNLIKELY- HIS BROTHER FURBALLUS OF BORG SEEMED TO HAVE
- THE NATURAL LEADERSHIP ABILITIES, AND HIS SISTER HARTIUS SEEMED
- LIKELY TO WIN POWER TO HERSELF BY HER SWAY OVER THE OPPOSITE SEX,
- INCLUDING OUR HUSBAND'S GRANDSON BRI-BORG, HIS ONLY MALE HEIR AND
- A BRAVE SOLDIER, BUT NO KIN OF MINE...
- UPON THESE THOUGHTS, AN EAGLE DROPPED A BORGAPOO PUPPY INTO
- NOVELLUS LAP, AND WE KNEW IT WAS TIME TO GET TO THE ORACLE AND
- THE PHARMACIST TO GET THE STORY STARTED...
- ---LIVIA (PLAYED BY OLYMPIUS)
-
-
- ============================
- BORG SCHOOL OF LAW GRADUATES
- ============================
- There were seven graduates from the summer term of the Borg
- School of Law: Swannox of Borg, Q2, Procrastinatus of Borg,
- Superman/Q, Beast, Mikeus of Borg, and the Master. Strange as it
- may seem, 57% of the graduating class were not Borg. 43% were
- Borg, 28% were Q, 14.5% was a Beast, and the other 14.5% was the
- Master.
- These graduates of the J.B (Juris Borgae) degree are eligible
- to practice law in the Borg Supreme Court.
-
- ================================
- SECURITY PROCEDURES WALKING TOUR
- ================================
-
- BORG SUPREME COURT
- ------------------
- Welcome to the Borg Supreme Court Main Entry. While you are
- waiting in line to pass through the Metal Detector, it would
- behoove you to read and fully comprehend this brochure to ease
- your passage through these hallowed halls.
- FIRST: Any confidential documents which may be in your
- brief-case implants should be removed and hand carried through
- the metal detector while we subject said briefcase implants to
- destructive testing to assure that no bombs or incendiary devices
- are introduced into the courtroom plaza.
- SECOND: All metallic implants, belt buckles, shoes with steel
- shanks, clothing with metal zippers, snaps, buckles, hooks or
- trim, and any metal personal adornment must be removed before
- passing through metal detectors. Clothing and shoes may be placed
- in the lockers behind you. Lock rent is one Frango bar or one
- pint Ben and Jerry's New York Fudge Crunch or one dozen Trader
- Joe's Chocolate Chacmul Chunk Chookies. Items of personal
- adornment must be passed to the Jewelry clerk behind you. DO NOT
- loose your receipt.
- THIRD: No Q, Ferengi or Basher may pass beyond the main foyer
- without an official guard companion ensign. These Ensigns may be
- rented only by forty-eight hour advance reservation and with the
- signature of a judge of this court. Rental fee is one ten pound
- box of Godiva chocolates, non refundable, delivered to the judge
- at the time of application, plus a per diem for the ensign, plus
- any fee the Judge sees fit.
- FOURTH: No food shall be carried into the Courthouse. Pizza
- Delivery in the Courtrooms is available from the BSC catering
- service in the basement. Candy machines stocked with standard
- chocolate products are in each hall, and take all credit and ATM
- cards. Proceeds from both concessions are divided between the
- Chief Justice's Gavel Trust and the Bailiff Benevolent Fund.
- FIFTH: Cola beverages are available through standard Borg Cola
- Outlets throughout the Building. Convertors for non-Borgs are
- sold through the Candy Machines.
- SIXTH: Enjoy your visit to the BSC!
- ---Olympius, Head Bailiff and Lefthand Aide
-
-
- ============================================================
- "BE A BIG CAHUNA FOR 48 HOURS" CONTEST MARGINALLY SUCCESSFUL
- ============================================================
- As part of the Borgiversary '92 festivities, a "Be the Big
- Cahuna for 48 Hours" contest was established in the hope it would
- be fun. It wasn't. The Big Cahunas chosen were: Swannox (July 2-
- 3), Chaotus (July 8-9), Qube (now Wingus) (July 15-16), and Las
- Larius (July 22-23). It was going to continue until October 1,
- 1992, but the collective appeared not to care anymore, since the
- last few Big Cahuna Temps didn't do a darn thing.
-
- ============
- BORG LIBRARY
- ============
- The new Borg library opened it's doors with a magnificent
- ribbon cutting ceremony (to which Swannox was not invited). Doing
- the honors was a longtime friend of the head librarian (and inci-
- dentally the highest briber) Dons of the Joke Time Board. After
- several attempts, the ribbon was cut and the doors were opened
- for business.
- Library cards may be obtained by bribing the staff with junk
- food; cokes and pizza preferred. The staff currently is at three
- Borg: Lucretia and Olympius acting as Librarians and Rialtus as
- page and chief bottle washer. The premises are patrolled by the
- canine associates of the Librarians, J. Roverus Borgmatian and
- Guinan. They also accept bribes in the form of chopped liver.
- There are over 50,000 volumes available for check out,
- including the classics: I Borg, Borg With the Wind, Borg of the
- Rings, Art History of the Borg by HW Jansen and the ever popular
- Red Borg Rising. Other titles may be obtained through bribery.
- There is also an impressive video collection, which includes many
- National Geographic specials, although the pygmy tapes are
- unavailable. Also available for borrowing are CD's, tapes, art
- prints and pizza ovens.
- The doors are always open, be sure to bribe the librarian on
- your way out and don't trip over the page reading in the aisles.
- Always on the look out for more pages to not shelf and have need
- of a children's librarian to ride herd on the little Borgs. Apply
- to Lucretia if interested.
- ---Lucretia Borgia
-
- =============
- ADVERTISEMENT
- =============
- DO YOU HAVE THE FEELING THAT EVERYONE IS OUT TO GET YOU? THAT
- NO ONE LIKES YOU ANYMORE? THAT DAN RATHER IS REALLY LOOKING AT
- YOU THRU THE TV? DEPRESSED? FEELING THAT "THEY" ARE WATCHING YOU?
- THEN YOU ARE THE PERFECT CANDIDATE FOR OUR NEW BOOK, "I'M
- PARANOID, HOW 'BOUT YOU?".
- IN THIS BOOK WE EXPLORE THE EXCITING WORLD OF PARANOIDS AND
- PARANOIA. READ IN DEPTH CHAPTERS LIKE, "MIND ALTERING CONTACT
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- ALL RIGHTS RESERVED. VOID WHERE PROHIBITED BY LAW.
- ---RUBBERUS CHECKUS, author and resident paranoid
-
- =======================
- A DAY WITH BSC SECURITY
- =======================
- Olympius and Wazzuus arrive early every morning, having drunk
- a ten cup pot of espresso and eaten raisin toast spread with
- Nutella. This morning, as usual, they check all external doors to
- the BSC [Borg Supreme Court] Temple of Justice to be sure they
- are locked and sealed, first checking from the outside, then
- opening the main doors and checking the inside seals and bolts on
- all the other doors. This morning, as usual, the doors are all
- sealed and bolted, and there is a trail of peanutbutter,
- strawberry jam, and black olive pizza crumbs from the Broom
- closet to the Metal Detector. Wazzuus checks the broom closet-
- empty this time, but Lead BSC Janitor Lucretia and Olympius have
- both spent time bound, gagged, and locked in this closet-
- Olympius by one or the other of the Dons, before the security
- procedures were fully in place, Lucretia by a yet unidentified
- perpetrator- probably the same entity which persistently
- besmirches the carpet with pizza crumbs and befouls the metal
- detector with crusts of the same peanut butter, strawberry jam,
- and black olive pizza.
- Olympius is checking out the Metal Detector, an Aerowhack 1080
- B model newly purchased at the court's inception and still not
- entirely functional. Every evening, Lead Janitor Lucretia removes
- peanutbutter, strawberry jam, and black olive pizza crusts from
- the machine, and every morning Olympius must laboriously
- recalibrate the main resonator module by testing it against the
- Parenting Practices and Gardening board in the Homelife club.
- This calibration only sets the normal parameters; a full
- calibration requires extensive testing against the profiles of
- beings posting on the Star Trek and science fiction boards, but
- because of time constraints and because of the immense crowds
- attending the seminal Tea vs Bean trial, the Metal detector is
- only useful for locating concealed weapons on entities wearing no
- other metal.
- There are litigants thick on the ground outside the main door
- by the time Olympius has the Metal Detector recalibrated. There
- is a mad rush to the metal detector as soon as the door is
- opened.
- One can tell whose been to the BSC before; they are wearing
- sweat suits or loose dresses with no metal fittings, no underwear
- containing metal, and moccasins- this casual look is greatly
- preferred by most lawyers and clients to the extremely casual
- look of the unprepared, who must check all clothing containing
- metal in the outer hall. All papers are hand-carried; experienced
- litigators carry theirs in string bags to keep them from flying
- about the hall every time the doors are opened.
- When the first flood of seekers after justice has flowed to a
- trickle, Wiggalus, who maintains her touch with the common people
- by acting as second courtroom bailiff, and Olympius, Chief Jus-
- tice Marianus's left hand aide and stooge- ah, foil, yes, foil,
- head for the courtroom, majestic in their black uniforms among
- the naked and the laid back.
- Maintaining order in the courtroom proper is usually the easy
- part of each day- not only has the tight security at the entrance
- kept the dangerous loonies out, but the courtrooms are kept at a
- temperature which minimizes melting of the judicial Dove bars,
- and people find themselves becoming very friendly through the
- need to conserve body heat.
- Occasionally Q, Ferengi, or bashers are led into court by
- their escort ensigns, causing a slight flurry, but mostly the
- court procedures- gavel licking, greasing the wheels of justice
- with Dove Bars, grovelling and pleading but NO WHINING proceed
- smoothly. Whiners are fined two Snickers bars, or two Milkyway
- Dark, or one dove bars, payable immediately to the Bailiffs
- Benevolent fund and the Justice Gavel Trust.
- Court adjourns for the day at 4:30, and all unauthorized
- personnel must be out of the building before 5:00. to give the
- Bailiffs time to pick up unclaimed clothing and briefcases for
- sale in the Bailiff's Benevolent Fund and Justice Gavel Trust
- Thrift Shoppe.
- Court personnel then gather in the BSC cafeteria to disburse
- the days junk food accumulation and disburse it according to the
- rules of the Bailiffs Benevolent fund and Justice Gavel Trust.
- A security sweep of the entire building then proceeds, and all
- exterior doors are locked, bolted and security sealed. Lucretia,
- looking stunning in her janitorial implants and blue evening
- dress, meets the Bailiff Staff and passes into the building. One
- day ends and another begins.
- ---Olympius
-
- ================
- BORG AS METAPHOR
- ================
- (an experiment in terror)
- [although not too humorous, we were nevertheless impressed with
- the many voices that were heard in the subject "Borg As Metaphor"
- which appeared in the Star Trek Board on Prodigy from July 18 to
- 23, 1992 --ed. chief]
-
- Okay you guys and gals out there in borgland ...it was bound
- to happen...a request for a serious discussion. Are we all
- sitting down yet?
- The subject of inquiry: What does the Borg represent on STNG?
- Are they a metaphor for fascism? Or for organizations which
- demand homogeneity? Do they symbolize the 19th century
- colonialist frenzy? Or a 1984-ish Orwellian totalitarian night-
- mare? Do the Borg represent a vehicle for us to view our own
- prejudices and societal reactions to things that are at first
- blush different? Or are they merely the mirrors of the writer's
- own societal or personal prejudices and mores?
- ---Just thoughts, Oxnardus
-
- Oxy...excellent... and may I just jump in here and say that I
- think the Borg symbolizes an alternate path for man, where the
- machine takes over the man. Ideally man and machine should work
- in synergy...i.e., the sum is greater than its parts ... but the
- Borg, seem to be so cold, so ... Androidish ...<grin!> Be that
- as it may... I love dem Borgs!
- ---Havoc Primus of Borg
-
- I'm not sure that "racist" is the right term. They [the Borg]
- will assimilate anybody. It was more like a branch of the issue.
- You must conform to OUR specifications or you are irrelevant, ex-
- pendable, Pond Scum! Actually, that is kind of Hitler-like in a
- way. But I found the "I Borg" episode somewhat symbolic. If we
- could introduce the concept that "Individuality" is acceptable
- and encouraged in real life we'd all have a more peaceful planet.
- To have all understand that their culture should be something to
- be proud of, without criticizing others. To not look at someone
- and see the color of their skin, what god they believe in, what
- their income level is, etc.
- If we are to ask if the Borg are racist, we must also ask that
- of the Q, the Romulans, and also those little light beings who
- call humans "ugly bags of mostly water." I think Star Trek is
- intentionally throwing in ways of being racist in that they use
- many examples which cause us to sit back and think "Hey, now THAT
- sounds familiar!" Funny, though, the characters that think that
- way are usually considered villains.
- Tonight we are seeing the episode of TNG where Riker falls in
- love with one of the J'naii, an androgynous race that doesn't
- believe in male-female relationships. Sound familiar folks, in a
- reversed kind of way? The idea of racism or really PREJUDICE in
- TNG and TOS, for that matter, opens up a vast can of worms. Maybe
- we should pay more attention to the real message, and not start
- throwing the blame at TV shows...but at ourselves.
- ---Tricius
-
- We have been rereading Le Guin's "The Dispossessed" again, and
- was struck with the thought that every human society, no matter
- what the theoretical basis, degenerates into a government sooner
- or later. We think that someone mentioned how the Borg may have
- been the logical descendants of modem users like us, who ended up
- loosing individuality in the increasing efficiency of mind-to-
- mind communication.
- It's possible the Star Trek writers are using the Borg as a
- metaphor for all single-minded organizations, from the
- Unification Church and Operation Rescue to PETA and Earth First-
- We dunno, have to think on it.
- ---Olympius, cogitating
-
- The STNG Borg could be the 24th Century version of Hitler. As
- Locutus said in "Best of Both Worlds Part II", "You all will be
- part of the New Order" or something like that. Germany thought
- that they were the master race. The Borg are trying to build the
- Master Race.
- ---Swannox
-
- I think that the Borg represent all that we hope we will not
- become: non-individuals. The government has, for so long,
- controlled many aspects of individuality. Everyone today has been
- reduced to a number. We can probably call ourselves by our Social
- Security Number for all the government cares. Even my patients at
- our clinic are bar coded. "Did you do patient 34594, yet," may
- not be too far in the future.
- Our lives are becoming controlled by computers: they tell us
- when to stop and go at intersections, when our cars need
- attention, when a bill is due, and how much that loaf of bread
- costs at the supermarket. The Borg have taken that to the extreme
- by having the entire populace controlled by a central computer
- that probably even tells them when to visit the little boys room.
- The Borg represent what could be a computer society gone wrong.
- All creativity has been wiped out for the sake of efficiency. I
- just saw an advertisement the other day that offered a device
- that lets you copy a
- photo "without any artistic talent required." You take away the
- creative element and you are left with nothing but robots
- coloring inside the lines. ---Marianus
-
- The idea that one can actually be making a statement by
- calling something or someone "racist" is sadly misinformed.
- Our culture has been going into a newspeak stage for sometime.
- People joke about it, but it has frightening consequences. The
- use of the term "racism" is an example. What do people mean when
- they use that term? Do they mean the entire concept of the Borg
- is racist? Do they mean the execution of the idea is racist? Do
- they mean the writers are? The producers are? That society is?
- Or that they feel there are not enough black actors playing the
- Borg? I would like theses issues to be defined.
- Anyways, off my tangent, you are proper in viewing the Borg as
- symbolic. They are the products of imagination. They were
- created to entertain, but also to tell us a little bit about what
- the writers, producers, director, actors, etc. wanted to express.
- As true of all successful art, the created transcends the
- creator. The creator becomes independent from the creator and
- becomes meaningful to others in ways the creator could never have
- imagined or even contemplated him or her or themselves.
- In some ways, the fascist/Nazism analogy limits the Borg
- symbolism. Some have seen it as the classic "Individual vs.
- Society" archetype, others as "Technological vs. Biological", and
- still others as "Nature vs. Nature". By blindly calling the Borg
- "racist" or "fascist", a person is limiting themselves and is
- probably missing the point, don't you think?
- ---Oxnardus (in response to Tricius)
-
- We don't remember the name of the book [Vacuum Flowers], but
- our spousal unit read a novel about 16 months ago where it
- explored the tensions between earth and its colonists. The earth
- people had begun to interface directly with computers and found
- this a better way to do things. The people of earth basically
- became part of one huge computer network. The colonies in outer
- space, on the other hand, thought this was horrible and inhuman.
- It dealt with the same idea, the good of the individual versus
- the good of the society. We have that idea fighting it out here
- on the planet now, in microcosms such as religious and political
- organizations; and macrocosms as in governmental philosophies and
- practical applications.
- ---Oxnardus [in response to Olympius]
-
- It was interesting in "I Borg" that an attempt was made to
- show the Borg experience from a Borg's perspective. Although all
- the thematic material was there before hand (laid out quite
- nicely in "Best of Both Worlds"), it took "I Borg" to put it into
- perspective. Also (we were watching "Q-Who, last night), we
- found Guinan's conversation with Picard at the end of "Q-Who"
- very illuminating. She said that the Borg might eventually want
- to interact with the Federation, but not as they were then.
- Prescient wasn't she? The "I Borg" episode laid the groundwork
- for that potential reality (like "Errand of Mercy" laid the
- groundwork for the Klingons joining in the Federation).
- Anyways, the Borg were presented in a way calculated to glean
- sympathy. True they were considered vicious, soulless and evil by
- the humans, but the Borg were just operating as their nature led
- them. As an analogy of the insect world (which, we think it is
- obvious that the Borg were primarily conceived of using an insect
- social design), a hapless victim of ants feels the same way about
- their captors. However, nature is violent. There are animals
- (including man) who go around eating up other animals with no
- thought whatsoever of the feelings of the other. The Borg are in
- some ways more humane, because periodically, they don't kill off
- everyone --they sometimes assimilate the body as well. The Borg
- are really only after the technology. They care not a whit about
- the body, the soul, etc. But does this make them evil? Yes and
- no. No, because this is their nature and they're acting on it.
- Yes, because Hugh has shown that their nature can be modified.
- Once a living creature's behavior can be modified by its own ini-
- tiative (that is, by its own conscious choice), then the idea of
- morality, spirituality, and evil come in. That is why "I Borg"
- has changed the whole Borg universe. That was why Picard could
- not give the order to destroy them. Suddenly, the Borg were
- "people". True, nasty, offensive, and dangerous; but people
- nevertheless.
- That is why we find the analogies of the borg to Nazis to be
- in someways superficial. First, the Nazis were a historic social
- phenomenon. The Borg are the fictitious creation of a few human
- minds. As most art, the Borg can be viewed as a
- literary and visual metaphor for aspects of our culture. The
- Nazis, because of their reality, is not an inviting topic for
- satire and humor, unless it is implicit in the humor to show
- society's disapproval of that social movement and the results
- created from following it. The Borg, however, are ripe for such
- humor and satire, since the Borg is a metaphor and not reality.
- The fact that the Borg Club members are satirizing the Borg
- appears much more healthy to us than if the Borg Club members
- were trying to emulate them.
- ---Oxnardus (in response to Havoc Primus)
-
- Well, the Nazis were obsessed with political order and
- political power. The STNG Borg could care less about such
- things. Further, they have no wish for a Master Race, they just
- wish for one race. A Master Race implies minor races. The Borg
- just want technology and enough Borg to keep it going.
- ---Oxnardus [in response to Swannox]
-
- Hmmm. Well, Borg assimilate as a way of expanding their race,
- as heightening all species' quality of life (that's what they
- said...) and as a way to learn all about that species. (this is
- the optimistic view of them)
- ---Pinacoladus
-
- I get tired of seeing all these accusations on the board by
- bashers, and wonder if they practice what they preach. Maybe
- they just get bored and grab at straws. I think they should
- spend more time looking at the inside issues seriously, instead
- of using the problem as an excuse to raise a fuss and making the
- issue sound trivial in the process.
- ---Tricius
-
- We have seen "Borg" units in other science fiction books. In
- Fred Saberhage's "Bezerkers" - these units were left over from a
- great galactic war and were mindless machines who ran rampaging
- through the universe destroying "life." But the analogy to the
- "Bezerkers" is not perfect...
- Another "Borg" Unit populates Gordon R. Dickson's "Hellstrom's
- Hive." In Hellstrom, they were a "collective" based on the
- Honeybee...and basically had a few major goals (1) create other
- "Hives" and (2) to grow and multiply. The unique thing about the
- Hellstrom units were that it was the Humans who were endangering
- their lives and their way of life. Suffice it to say that the
- Hellstrom Units in the end were successful, as always, when
- superior organization meets with inferior collectives.
- But the Bezerker Units and the Hellstrom Units are sorta like
- two sides of the Main Borg units of the ST:NG universe. By the
- by, EE Doc Smith also had "Borg units" but were called the
- "Cholorans." Anyway... throughout the Sci Fi realm there are many
- of our brothers and sisters populating the various mediums. Why
- is that?
- We believe that humans have a certain insecurity about being
- "alone." In all of Humanity we see that they seek companionship
- most often and if they have no friends... soon wither and die.
- We believe that Humanity is a more primitive form of the Borg.
- Now...we will support our proposition. As said before, Humanity
- seeks to integrate itself in their own way into a Borg
- collective. We see their primitive communication devices called
- "television" which is an organizing tool for the Humans. Very
- similar to a collective mind. We see many Humans being turned
- into zombies (an inferior form of Borg) by watching TV. We see
- this as distressing because we see the talents of single and
- individual human units (which would be useful to the collective)
- be dulled and destroyed.
- Analogies to the Nazis are indeed flawed because Nazis did not
- assimilate, they destroyed. The borg are very much akin to
- insects, but with a key distinction, they are highly evolved
- social creatures that cannot survive, Hugh excepted, "Alone."
- Back to Borg as a metaphor, we truly believe that Borg
- represents to humanity an alternate organization to the ruckus of
- current life. There are two structures, totally integrated and
- totally structured, or pure chaos. We think Humanity is always
- trying to impose structure on disorder, and in that sense Borg
- are the structure which Humanity lacks.
- As for satire... like we say... deep dish pizza, ice cold
- Pinacoladus er... we mean a DRINK! which is ice cold and we Borg
- are pretty harmless....
- ---Havoc Primus of Borg
-
- Everyone has been talking about the Borg as a technological
- omen or as a historical look back to the age of Nazism and
- Fascism. But I invite you to go back further. Picture it, 1907.
- And young and enterprising (pardon the pun) young man follows the
- ideas of one Karl Marx. A new world order is formed, where all
- are similar to each other and all work for the collective good.
- Of course, I am talking about the beginning of the Soviet Union.
- Slowly, as time goes on, other nations are absorbed, or rather
- assimilated, into the Union. Nation by nation, the power of the
- USSR was growing. All the while, people that are born into this
- society are accustomed to their system of government and their
- comrades.
- Generations go by, each generation losing the yearning for
- freedom. That is, until the 1980s. A seed of freedom was planted
- in Eastern Europe. From this seed, the plant of Freedom bloomed,
- first breaking down the Berlin Wall, then releasing the nations
- of Europe and the Baltics. Finally, the whole system of Communism
- is toppled, all because of yearning for Freedom. This same seed,
- Freedom and Individuality, was planted by the Enterprise crew in
- the show "I, Borg." We may yet see the Borg as allies to the
- Federation, as the present Russia is swiftly becoming.
- ---Rialtus
-
- LIKE WE STATED IN A PREVIOUS POSTING, WE BELIEVE THE BORG TO
- REPRESENT THE EUROPEAN AND CHRISTIAN COLONIZATION OF THE
- PLANET... A PROCESS THAT CONTINUES TODAY. THE EUROPEANS SOUGHT TO
- EXPLOIT THE KNOWLEDGE AND RESOURCES OF OTHER RACES
- IN ORDER TO BENEFIT THEIR OWN. AT THE SAME TIME, THE CULTURES OF
- THOSE "ASSIMILATED" SOCIETIES WERE FOREVER CHANGED. THIS SEEMS TO
- BE EXACTLY WHAT THE BORG ARE ABOUT.
- ---Allofus
-
- Labels of any kind limit discussion- we can stop thinking
- about something the moment we get it sorted into its pigeonhole,
- and start complaining about it instead. A label gives you
- something which you can scream at the top of your lungs, a
- metaphor something to contemplate quietly.
- The Borg club is a metaphor for something, to the tendency for
- human beings, no matter what the government, no matter what the
- theoretical structure, to act like human beings, concerned mostly
- with food, drink, play and gossip. There's a great scene in John
- Brunner's "The Stone that Never Came Down" where soldiers ready
- to go to war undergo a conversion experience and become friends-
- the first thing they do is compare wine and cigarettes.
- One has to wonder what the TNG Borg DO all the time- a
- technology which truly used the human brain in a parallel network
- would work so fast that there would be a lot of down time (Anne
- McCaffrey's shell people and Frank Herbert's
- Navigators ran ships with ONE human brain, although highly
- modified). Now, it is possible to say that my inability to see
- what they could do is a result of the limited human intelligence
- not being able to perceive the necessities of busy-ness in a more
- highly evolved race. However, the more I think of it, the more I
- realize that hive societies are usually non-intelligent because
- they are so efficient that brains would be a waste of calories.
- Human societies, when they are supporting themselves through
- efficient and elegant subsistence systems like hunting and
- gathering or low tech-agricultural systems, spend most of their
- time taking naps, telling stories, dancing and snacking. The
- Industrial Revolution freed us to make too much stuff and have
- too little time to party- the TNG BORG may well be the ultimate
- result of that trend, and the Borg Club represent nature's
- rebellion.
- ---Olympius, and if you doubt our analysis we can get you the
- citations about the activity patterns of industrialized vs non
- industrialized societies
-
- PERHAPS IT WAS BOUND TO HAPPEN,......ONCE. WHAT'S THIS PAIN
- INFLICTING SOUL SEARCHING AND GUILT RIDDEN FLOOD OF WELL
- CONSTRUCTED AND SUPERIORLY INTELLECTUAL PHRASES AND...HMM..
- METAPHORS??? TOO MUCH FREE UPTIME? A NEED TO CORE DUMP? ARE THE
- BORG BORGED?
- THIS UNIT WILL ATTRIBUTE THIS EMOTIONAL MALFUNCTION OF SOME OF
- THE COLLECTIVE INVOLVED HERE TO ATMOSPHERIC DISTURBANCES AND
- MAGNETIC ANOMALIES PRESENT IN THIS TOPIC, THAT REMAINS NOT FULLY
- ASSIMILATED BY BORG, TO WHOM IT'S STILL AN ALIEN TERRITORY. NOT
- FOR LONG.
- WHERE IS THAT BEACH BOYS CD AND WHY IS OUR PEPPERONI GREEN?
- AFTER ALL, RESISTANCE IF FUTILE, RIGHT?
- ---Semenovich of Borg, knows very well who started this, ABC.
-
- After reading that statement, I now have different views
- concerning the meaning of the Borg, This note comes after my
- first response to you, I read only notes to my ID first, thus
- when I started reading all the other notes, I see Borg are Ra-
- cist. I see then that the note in an unknowing way mocks my
- original post. I can see however that labeling them as such
- limits there effectiveness. Enough of my rambling!
- ---Swannox (in response to Oxnardus)
-
- Well instead of the elimination of inferior races, they
- assimilate them! Assimilation could be a form of political
- order, all that are not of Borg are assimilated. Locutus said
- that all the borg want to do is improve mankind, something like
- that, I don't have a copy of BOBW. I could be wrong, but Hitler
- was the first thing that came to mind! --Swannox (in response to
- Oxnardus)
-
- Well, we don't think of them as racist; more as
- anti-individualists. Racists traditionally isolate the races in
- order to elevate their own. The Borg care nothing of other races
- and therefore elevation is irrelevant (to use a catchy phrase).
- Racism is irrelevant to the Borg because they do not favor one
- race over another. Infact, they are not even a race (or specie
- for that matter) since they can assimilate and procreate whatever
- they want by their technology.
- ---Oxnardus (in response to Swannox)
-
- Our spousal unit and us had a discussion about this topic and
- our husband's point of view was very similar to yours. His view
- of the Borg is much more understanding than mine. He, too, see's
- the Borg as a potential and not necessarily innately evil. He
- felt that the "I Borg" episode supported his theories of the
- Borg.
- ---Oxnardus (in response to Havoc primus)
-
- First, Hitler was real; the Borg are an artistic statement.
- Second, Hitler was a human, formed by his environment, culture
- and history; the Borg were formed as a concept in human minds to
- express some kind of horrible lifeform for the Enterprise crew to
- encounter. They wanted an especially vile one, at that. In their
- search of societal jungian symbols, they used many. Yes, Hitler
- may have been one of them, but by far not the only one or even
- the primary one. There are elements of insect order, collective
- consciousness, cybernetic technology, 19th century imperialism,
- fear of the unknown, black leather, being ignored, being over-
- whelmed by the majority, etc. All these ideas and more are
- present in the Borg metaphor, and all have scary connotations in
- modern society.
- ---Oxnardus (in response to Swannox)
-
- i have seen many people talk of the star trek borg and the *p
- borg as if they were the same. i think everyone must realize
- that all of us would be the same if this were the ferengi club.
- chats would still hate caps, oxy would still be the head honch,
- i'd still be...me. think on it. this note is to "all".
- ---BEAST
-
- Since you put it that way! I agree.
- ---Swannox (in response to Oxnardus)
-
- ALL RISE!!! The honorable Chatsworthus of Borg is now entering
- the courtroom....
- We have read the note, and all of the replies, with GREAT
- interest. We appreciate the eloquence of Oxnardus (who spelled
- everything correctly w/o the spellchecker, according to our optic
- implants), Tricius and Marianus (who as usual got right down to
- the kernel of the matter), Swannox, (who REALLY should be
- elected), and the new (to this unit) unit Art Orejudos (sp?), who
- also expresses thought with crystal clarity....
- Oxnardus made a BRILLIANT point in her reply posted 7/19 @
- 5:28 PM, when she said that it is far healthier that we SATIRIZE
- the Borg as we do, than attempt to EMULATE the culture. There is
- a VERY large difference here! For this particular unit, who is
- also Jewish, as if you hadn't guessed), we find great pleasure in
- the totally off-the-wall stuff going on here. We enjoy the
- companionship of SENTIENT beings, either in person or on the
- boards, AND THAT'S IT!! We occasionally enjoy deep discussion, as
- it keeps the cranial internal implants from getting rusty, but
- what bothers us a little here, is that we were guilty of thinking
- that the basher who suggested the nonsense that we are, forgive
- the ridiculous expression, "racist", was just trying to make his
- usual trouble, and could care less about what we, or any
- THINKING being, think.... He is no more interested in a serious
- discussion than Hitler was. We reiterate Mark Twain's (Sam
- Clemens') statement that trying to teach a pig to sing will
- accomplish nothing, and only annoy the pig. Now THERE's a
- metaphor (simile?) for you!!!!!
- ---Chatsworthus, rational.
-
- CHATS, THAT WAS BASICALLY WHAT WE SAID OURSELVES IN REPLY TO
- THE FIRST NOTE, ALTHOUGH WE WERE PROUD FOR THE COLLECTIVE'S
- ABILITY TO CARRY SUCH MINDBORGLING DISCUSSION, THOUGH PERHAPS FU-
- TILE.
- ---Semenovich
-
- Good for you for satirizing the Borg, I think it is a much
- healthier trend than trying to emulate them. I think both sides
- on this issue have made good points, though (the little I have
- seen, I am not an expert on this debate by any means). It would
- certainly be a better course than some of the seriousness I have
- seen in regards to the Borg "lifestyle".
- ---SANDRA DOZIER
-
- Ignoring the so-called "bashers" (And of course by giving them
- such a title and then disdaining them, one commits what could be
- considered a form of racism) will not solve anything.
- It must be considered that some of them may actually want an
- intelligent discussion; assuming that certain people do not
- simply because of who they are is prejudice. For that matter, it
- should not be relevant (pardon the borgism) whether they want an
- intelligent discussion. If the subject is interesting, everyone
- else is going to want one.
- Furthermore, if one is merely being malicious, why? Everyone
- here has been angry, and there was always a reason. Can someone
- be innately evil? I don't believe so, but if they were, could
- they be blamed? It isn't fair to brush someone off simply
- because they annoy or irritate you. I know we do get angry
- sometimes, and sometimes we just can't deal with someone who
- annoys us. But on Prodigy, it is easy to wait until one has
- cooled off before responding. Ignoring a person or giving an
- angry response merely adds fuel to the fire. That fuel is our souls.
- ---E Pluribus of Borg
-
- Bravo! To one and all!
- This is the type of stuff I was hoping to see on this BB all
- along! So good, in fact, that I really have nothing to add
- (isn't that strange?). To Oxnardus [sp?], great job of bringing
- out the right issues, keep it up! I did use the word "emulate"
- in my reply to another note on the subject, and you are right
- "satirize" is better, so I hereby take it back. Here's hoping all
- your Borgs are good ones!
- ---New Admirer of the Borg---SEH [SCOTT HARRIGAN]
-
- Scott, let me add my admiring voice to yours! I'm new to *P*,
- having lurked around this sector for about four months (as well
- as the Classical Music BB). I am SO impressed by the collective's
- intelligence, humor and maturity! Truly the 'best of ALL
- worlds'. How can I be assimilated? Would
- the collective accept a lurker-come-lately? Is there a Borg
- on-line charge once I'm plugged in? Do implants only come in
- basic black? Will these 'deep' discussions continue to invade
- the happy anarchy of Borg-dom to leaven the (pizza-dough) mix?
- This prospective unit, desiring a balanced mental diet (left- and
- right-brain nourishment, y'know) hopes so! I await further
- instructions.
- ---Sharoney [SHARON MAHONEY]
-
- Oxnardus: Thanks for the enlightening excerpt. I know I am
- not at all bored when I watch an episode with the Borg. But it
- is interesting to see the quiet way they go about things, and I
- think that is what gives them their creepiness, if you will.
- ---SANDRA DOZIER (TGDM58A)
-
- Even before my entry into this club, I have been fascinated by
- the Borg. I have found the Borg episodes consistently the best
- STNG can muster. And the Borg, of course, is a uniquely 90's
- villain. I doubt the audiences of the 1960's would have gotten it
- about the Borg.
- A quote from Rick Berman in the article I cited before "One of
- the reasons the writing staff avoided doing Borg shows was that
- it was tough to pit the Enterprise against an omnipotent, unbeat-
- able entity and stay alive for another episode."
- Berman's observation is very apparent in Best of Both Worlds.
- The brilliance of "I Borg" is that they approached the Borg from
- a completely new angle...that is, made them sympathetic. BOBW
- painted them as complete monsters. "I Borg" showed that humans
- can relate to them. "I Borg" was one of the best statements Star
- Trek, old or new, has made regarding the intricacies and practice
- of prejudice. "I Borg" went so far as to offer an antidote as
- well.
- The four Borg episodes of STNG are some of the best drama
- created on television in the 1990's.
- ---Oxnardus, in a singular mood
-
- Sheesh, this is getting too much like work. I want to go back
- to the good old silly days when I didn't have to worry about this
- stuff. The world is messed up. That's a given. Let's just not
- mess up the Borg Club. I need some place to play.
- ---Oxnardus, in another singular mood
-
- =====================================
- NEW POLICY REGARDING BIG BOOK OF BORG
- =====================================
- In previous RIFs, the Big Book of Borg has been printed within
- the newsletter. With this issue we will begin a new policy
- whereby the list will be sent with RIF, but will be separate from
- it. To celebrate this exciting new editorial policy, we have
- included on the verso page, Marianus of Borg's board game.
- Enjoy.
-
- =============
- ADVERTISEMENT
- =============
- Tired of beeing harassed? Wont two get rid of that business part
- nor whose dip ping inn two thee till? Wont that nagging spouse
- two disappear? Then, you half come too thee write place. Borg Pro
- Tech Shun, Ink. will pro vied inn knee serve ice, inn knee thyme,
- four thee write price. ---TeaBorg
-
- =================
- EDITORIAL NOTICES
- =================
- The Borg Club is present on commercial national bulletin board
- services and on many amateur bulletin board networks and local
- areas.
-
- =================
- COPYRIGHT NOTICES
- =================
- "RIF" acknowledges that Paramount Pictures and its various
- subsidiaries as having the sole rights to the Star Trek
- trademark. "RIF" has no intention to infringe upon that copyright
- or earn profit from this publication. It is distributed free of
- charge. "RIF" also acknowledges the Prodigy Services, General
- Electric, and NVN copyrights. This newsletter may be distributed
- by anyone if kept intact and not altered in anyway. Consider it
- shareware publishing! Resistance is Futile, copyright (c) 1992,
- 1993 by RIF BBS
-
- ============================
- BACK ISSUES OF RIF AVAILABLE
- ============================
- Missing an issue? Used your RIF for a place mat or coaster one
- time too many? Just send a self-addressed stamped ($.52) business
- sized envelope to RIF BBS, P.O. Box 7822, Oxnard, CA 93031 and
- that abused issue will be replaced. Please indicate which issue
- you desire. All back issues are available!
-
-
- =========================
- ADDRESSES OF CONTRIBUTORS
- =========================
-
- Allofus (NBKB43A)
- BEAST (SHRK82A)
- Chatworthus (BFSF75A)
- Dons (RNMC05A)
- E Pluribus of Borg
- PROF. GHOSTWRITERUS OF BORG (GMDH77A)
- Havoc Primus (NWJX68B)
- Lucretia (MBJM54B)
- Marianus of Borg (NRCR88A)
- NOVELLUS (GMDH77A)
- Olympius (DPNV14B)
- Oxnardus (HCMH17A)
- Pinacoladus (PJVK38B)
- Randinius (RMGB46C)
- Rialtus (VCBD90A)
- Robinus (NRCR88B)
- Rubberus Checkus (BVBP84A)
- SANDRA DOZIER (TGDM58A)
- SCOTT HARRIGAN (JMCH13A)
- Semenovich of Borg (HVBW68C)
- SHARON MAHONEY (FCFH17B)
- Swannox (HCMH17F)
- TeaBorg (NVN: Tgottlieb)
- TRICIUS OF BORG\BETA (FMDD39B)
-
-
-
- ========================= ____________
- BORG CLUB: THE BOARD GAME |STOP HERE |
- ========================= |ONE TURN |
- by Marianus of Borg ++++++|TO EAT THE|+++++++++++++
- + |CHOCOLATE | +
- + |BAR YOU | +
- _____________ ++++++ |BROUGHT | +
- |START HERE | + ~~~~~~~~~~~~ +
- |FOR YOUR | +++++++++++ + _____________ +
- |QUEST FOR | + + |THE SUPREME| + ____________
- |THE LOCAL | ___+_________ + |BORG IS | + |YOU HAVE |
- |PIZZA PIZZA| |FALSE START| + |COMING! |++++ |INSULTED A|
- ~~~~~~~~~~~~~ |GO BACK ONE|++++ |HURRY AND | |FERENGI. |
- |SPACE! | |ROLL AGAIN!| +++|CONGRATS! |
- ~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~+~~~~~~ + |GO AHEAD |
- + + |2 SPACES. |
- ______________________ + +
-
-
- DUE TO TRANSMISSION TROUBLE..E-MAIL SWANN1@MUVMS6.WVNET.EDU FOR COPY OF BORG
- CLUB, THE BOARD GAME.
-
- _____________ ____________ ____________
- * / R \ */ \ */ \
- * | E ______ | *\____ ____/ *| ________/
- * | S |******| | ****| |*** *| F |********
- * | I | *| | *| | *| U |____
- * | S ~~~~~~~ / *| I | *| T \
- * | T ____ \ *| S | *| I ____/
- * | A |*** \ \ *| | *| L |***
- * | N | * \ \ ___*| |____ *| E |
- * | C | * \ \/ \ *| |
- * \__E_/ * \___/______________/ *\____/
- ***** **** ************** *****
- P.O. Box 7822
- Oxnard, CA 93031
-
- THE OFFICIAL ORGAN OF THE GALACTIC BORG CONSCIOUSNESS
- ISSUE NUMBER 5
- September 1992
-
- RESISTANCE IS FUTILE ("RIF") is published and edited by Oxnardus
- and Ripley for distribution on various national electronic
- services and local electronic BBS echos. Address listings,
- copyright notices, editorial notices, and information on back
- issues are printed at the end of this newsletter. All
- correspondence should be sent by e-mail to Oxnardus or Ripley
- (addresses given at end of newsletter) or mailed to "Resistance
- is Futile", P.O. Box 7822, Oxnard, CA 93031.
-
- =========
- CONTENTS
- =========
- THE BIG BOOK OF BORG ETIQUETTE
- "BE A BIG CAHUNA FOR 48 HOURS" CONTEST
- FOOD TRIVIA
- PAID POLITICAL AD
- RECIPES
- THE SECRET DIARIES OF CHIEF JUSTICE MARIANUS...
- JOKE TIME
- AND NOW, A WORD FROM YOUR FRIEND AND MINE, BAT-Q
- MIRROR MIRROR: Part 1
- yub yub, and all of that...
- SWANNOX/ CLUELESS CAMPAIGN
- BORG TALES: Part Five "Up the River"
- Dear Oxnardus
- BORG NOSTALGIA: REMEMBER THE COLA WARS
- TREATY OF PEACE
- DIARY OF A BORG ON THE OUTSIDE
- TRANSCRIPT FROM BORG SECRET POLICE PHONE TAPS
- THE BORGS AND THE BEANS PRESS CONFERENCE REPORT
- BORG SINGLES BAR RULES AND REGULATIONS
- CETACEUS ON VULCAN
- BORG DATING GAME
-
- ==============================
- THE BIG BOOK OF BORG ETIQUETTE
- ==============================
- IT HAS COME TO MY ATTENTION AS SECRETARY FOR THE BORG, THAT
- MANY BORG ARE UNSURE AS TO THE PROPER FORM OF ADDRESS TO USE FOR
- SOME BORG. THE FOLLOWING ARE THE PROPER TITLES:
- 1. NOVELLUS- GRANDFATHER OR YOUR HOLINESS OR YOUR POPENESS.
- 2. OXNARDUS- NOBLE OXNARDUS OR YOUR NOBLENESS OR HEY YOU.
- 3. CHATSWORTHUS- CHATS OR HONORABLE ONE.
- 4. MARIANUS- CHIEF JUSTICE OR YOUR HONOR OR HEY BABE.
- 5. CLUELESS- POSSIBLE V.P. OR MS. POSSIBLE V.P.
- 6. SWANNOX- POSSIBLE PRESIDENT OR ARE YOU CRAZY. (EDITORIAL)
- 7. SEMENOVICH- POSSIBLE PRESIDENT OR A SURE THING. (EDITORIAL)
- 8. BEAST- DON'T EAT ME
- 9. TEABORG- SAY WHAT?!
- 10. WIGGALUS- MR. BAILIFF
- 11. OLYMPIUS- DON'T POINT THAT METAL DETECTOR AT ME
- 12. TRICIUS- MADAME D.A. OR I DIDN'T SAY THAT.
- 13. BAT-Q- CUTIE
- ---Chief Justice
-
- ======================================
- "BE A BIG CAHUNA FOR 48 HOURS" CONTEST
- STILL MARGINALLY SUCCESSFUL
- ======================================
- Even though we tried to stop it, it was continued due to
- popular demand and once again we were slapped in the face by
- total indifference. As everyone knows by now, as part of the
- Borgiversary '92 festivities, a "Be the Big Cahuna for 48 Hours"
- contest was established in the hope it would be fun. It wasn't
- then, and it isn't now. But hey, we like to beat those dead
- horses, right? The Big Cahunas chose thus far were: Swannox
- JSWP12A (July 2-3), Chaotus DVNH74A (July 8-9), Qube WRWT50D (now
- Wingus) (July 15-16), Las Larius (July 22-23), Kittius XJRB61B
- (August 5-6), Lindaswedacious RFCX68B (August 12-13), Rialtus
- VCBD90A (August 19-20), Volksarius HRWP99B (August 26-27), and
- Furballus Ectoplasmus SSJX82C. The contest will continue until
- October 1st, 1992.
-
- ===========
- FOOD TRIVIA
- ===========
- THE WHITE FILM YOU SEE ON CHOCOLATE BARS AND CHIPS IS CALLED
- BLOOM. VARYING TEMPERATURES IS THE CAUSE BUT THE CHOCOLATE IS
- STILL TASTY AND EDIBLE.
- ---Chief Justice
-
- =================
- PAID POLITICAL AD
- =================
- _____________ ___________ O__________
- \ S / \ C / |{ } =====|
- \ O / \ O / | ======= |
- / | \ / | ~~~ | ~~~~~~~~~
- /\ /\ |
- /~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~\
-
- SWANNOX/ CLUELESS 92 YOUR SAVIORS IN THESE TOUGH TIMES.
- ---Swannox
-
- =======
- RECIPES
- =======
- AHHHHHH! DEEEES EEEEZ THE BORG CAJAUUUUN!
- WITH RECIPIE SOPHISTICATION!
- BASHER ETOUFFEE AND PO' BOY SENSATIOOOOOOON!
-
- FURST TAKE ONE ONE LARGE BASHER 'JUS FO FUN,
- MINCE TOGETHER WITH SAUSAGE DESPITE PROTESTATIOOOON!
- THEN ROLL INTO CREPES WITH SAUCE 'CAJUN!
- DRY DEM FO' WAUN MONTH IN DE SUN,
- PUT IN PLASTIC WRAP TO AVOID INFESTATION!
-
- SERVE AT PARTY FOR BORG OCCASION,
- FRIENDS WILL SAY "DIS' GOOD, YOU SON OF A GUN!"
-
- DIS SIGNED BY DE BORG CAJUN!
- ---Novellus GMDH77A
-
- ===============================================
- THE SECRET DIARIES OF CHIEF JUSTICE MARIANUS...
- ===============================================
- PERSONAL ENTRY # 304
- --------------------
- ANOTHER STRANGE DAY IN THE COURTROOM. JUST AS I WAS BEGINNING
- TO THINK THAT I MAY GET THROUGH ONE CASE WITHOUT SOMETHING
- STRANGE HAPPENING, IN WALKED BEAST. THE BAILIFFS TRIED THEIR BEST
- TO STOP HIM BUT IT WAS NO USE. HE JUMPED UP ON MY BENCH, GRABBED
- MY GAVEL, AND SHOVED IT DOWN HIS THROAT. HIS DELIGHT TURNED TO
- TERROR WHEN THE GAVEL TURNED SIDEWAYS IN HIS THROAT AND HE
- STARTED TURNING BLUE.
- "QUICK," SAID ONE OBSERVER, "PULL IT OUT!" A HURRIED SEARCH
- REVEALED NO ONE WHO WAS WILLING TO STICK THEIR HAND IN THE
- BEAST'S MOUTH. AS THE AUTHORITY FIGURE, THE DREADFUL TASK FELL
- ON ME. TAKING IN A DEEP BREATH, I REACHED IN AND TOOK HOLD OF
- THE WOODEN OBJECT. TODAY, AS I TYPE THIS WITH MY HEALING HAND
- (TWENTY-FIVE STITCHES), I WONDER IF I SHOULDN'T HAVE DELEGATED
- AUTHORITY BETTER AND FORCED ONE OF THE BAILIFFS TO DO IT.
-
- PERSONAL ENTRY # 477
- --------------------
- TRIAL OF A FERENGI TODAY. IT IS AMAZING HOW LONG IT TAKES TO
- GET THAT SMELL OUT OF THE COURTROOM. TOMORROW I WILL LOOK INTO
- THE POSSIBILITY OF HOLDING COURT OUTSIDE (MAYBE WE CAN HAVE A
- BAR-B-QUE AS WELL!).
-
- PERSONAL ENTRY # 511
- --------------------
- WENT TO THE SINGLES BAR TODAY. MANY OF THE ELIGIBLE MEN HAVE
- TAKEN TO WEARING MIRRORS ON THEIR SHOES EVER SINCE SOMEONE
- STARTED THE RUMOR THAT I WEAR NOTHING UNDER MY ROBE. I WONDER WHO
- STARTED THAT?
-
- PERSONAL ENTRY # 512
- --------------------
- GOOD DAY IN THE COURTROOM. I RECEIVED TWELVE DOVE BARS, THREE
- PEZ DISPENSERS, FIVE PIZZAS, AND ONE MARRIAGE PROPOSAL.
-
- PERSONAL ENTRY # 517
- -------------------
- RUMORS WERE FLYING THAT ELVIS WAS SEEN IN MY COURT.
- PANDEMONIUM ENSUED WHEN CHATSWORTHUS CAME IN WEARING AN ELVIS WIG
- BUT AS SOON AS HE BEGAN TO SING, EVERYONE LEFT. LATER, ELVIS
- SEEKERS DISCOVERED THAT THE WOOD GRAIN ON MY NEW GAVEL RESEMBLED
- THE LATE KING OF ROCK. MY NEW GAVEL IS NOW IN THE ELVIS MUSEUM
- NEXT TO A MOLDY POTATO WITH ELVIS' NOSE.
- ---Chief Justice
-
- ==========
- JOKE TIME
- ==========
- IT SEEMS THAT DURING THE AMERICAN REVOLUTION, ED FAZOLLA OWNED A
- ROOSTER OF UNUSUAL TALENT. THIS ROOSTER IS RECORDED IN THE ANNALS
- OF HISTORY. THE VERY NIGHT PAUL REVERE MADE HIS FAMOUS RIDE, IT
- SEEMS THERE WAS THIS ENGLISH TORY WHO WAS HIDING IN THE HEN
- HOUSE. HE PLANNED TO WAIT THERE FOR PAUL AND SHOOT HIM WITH HIS
- MUSKET. HOWEVER, FAZOLLA'S ROOSTER WITH DARING DO AND COURAGE,
- SET ALL THE HENS UPON HIM AND THEREBY SAVED PAUL REVERE...AND
- SUBSEQUENTLY, THE ENTIRE UNITED STATES. AFTER THE REVOLUTION, A
- STATUE OF THIS FAMOUS ROOSTER WAS ERECTED IN THE TOWN BEARING
- THIS INSCRIPTION...(HOPE YOU'RE READY FOR THIS)..."THE WORLD'S
- FIRST CHICKEN CATCH A TORY."
- ---LINDASWEDACIOUS
-
-
- Q: WHAT DO YOU CALL A FIRE AT A DOLL
- FACTORY?
- A: A KEN- AND- BARBIE- Q!!
- ---RIALTUS (NOTE: NO DISRESPECT FOR OUR Q FRIENDS...)
-
- =================================================
- AND NOW, A WORD FROM YOUR FRIEND AND MINE, BAT-Q
- =================================================
- BELIEVE IT OR NOT, A LONG TIME AGO I WAS A NORMAL Q AND I WAS
- DRIVING THROUGH SPACE LISTENING TO MC RAPPER WHEN I RAN A RED
- LIGHT. TO MY SURPRISE, THERE WAS A SPACE COP BEHIND A SIGN. I
- KNEW HE COULDN'T KEEP UP SO I KICKED IT INTO OVERDRIVE WARP. I
- HAD HIM BEAT BY A FEW LIGHT YEARS WHEN <WHAM> I WAS HIT BY ONE OF
- THOSE OLD SHIPS: A YUGO l.x. I THINK. IT THREW ME OFF COURSE
- STRAIGHT INTO A MC FEDERATION, CRASHING INTO A "BATMAN RETURNS"
- DISPLAY WHERE A FRYING PAN HIT ME ON THE HEAD. THOSE NEXT FEW
- SECONDS ARE A BLUR BUT FROM THAT TIME ON I FOUGHT AGAINST ALL
- AUTHORITY FIGURES, ANYONE WITH AN ATTITUDE PROBLEM, I DRESSED UP
- LIKE A BIG BAT AND CONSUMED LARGE GLASSES OF BLUE HEAVEN, TO
- BOLDLY GO WHERE NO Q'S GONE BEFORE!!!
-
- /\/\/\/\
- / O O \
- \ '_ /
- \/\ /\/
- \/
- ---Bat-Q
-
- ==============
- MIRROR MIRROR
- ==============
- Part One
-
- Teaser: <fade in to bridge of NCC-1701D>
- Commander Riker is sitting alone on the bridge, once again.
- The other members of the crew have gone to party over on the BORG
- flagship floating nearby in space. Riker is upset because he
- feels he is always left out of these things, and is bitter
- against the happy, popular fun-loving BORG race as a result.
- Suddenly, he raises his eyebrows, as if he has had an idea
- <insert evil music here>. Getting up and walking to the
- turbolift, he says to no one in particular...
- Riker:"I could show the others what creeps the BORG are if I
- could only zap them into a parallel universe where the BORG show
- their TRUE nature. Instead of pizza eating, party going
- fun-loving cyborgs, they would eschew fast food and fly around
- the universe destroying everything in their path!!!"
- Remembering stories he heard about parallel universe travel on
- the original Enterprise, he devises an evil scheme.
- Later, Riker is at the transporter console personally when the
- last part of the shore leave party, consisting of Worf, Picard,
- Data, Troi are ready to beam back. Giving an evil chuckle, he
- reaches under the console and "reverses the polarity of the phase
- inverter." He acts as if nothing has been done, and proceeds with
- the return transport.
- Suddenly, the scene switches to the viewpoint of the four
- remaining on shore leave. Just as the transporter effect starts
- to envelop them, we hear a weird reverberating sound and the
- screen flips around! We get an outside shot of the Enterprise.
- Originally orbiting the BORG cube in a clockwise direction, we
- find it still orbiting in a clockwise direction but upside-down.
- Since direction in space is relative, what it means is that it's
- really rotating around the other way. Also, instead of finding
- themselves back on the Enterprise, the four apparently find
- themselves back on the BORG ship. But instead of a well-lit disco
- decorated with advertisements for various soft drinks and
- national pizza chains, they find themselves in a cold, dark and
- pipe-filled creepy environment. The first thing they notice is
- that their normal starfleet uniforms, tee-shirts and jeans, have
- been replaced by stupid-looking red,yellow and blue skintight
- one-piece jumpsuits.
- Worf:"Hey! What's going on here!"
- Picard:"I don't know. But I think we should find our BORG
- friends and see what's happened to them,
- Troi:"Captain, I sense that something is WRONG!"
- <Incidental creepy music rises> Out of the mist, several BORG
- approach the crew in zombie-like states. The BORG do not answer.
- Finally, in the background, one BORG seems to be conscious of
- them.
- G-F Borg:"YOU ARE TOO LATE, PICARD. AFTER YOU GAVE UP BEING
- LOCUTUS, I TOOK OVER--GODFATHERUS TRIPLELETTERUS OF BORG!!!!
- THE BORG COULD HAVE BEEN A NICE, PARTY GOING RACE, BUT I RUINED
- ALL OF THAT!!!! HAHAHAHAHHAHAHHAHHHHAAAAA!"
-
- Picard:"Locutus? Who is that?"
- Music Rises. DUMMMMMMMMMM DUMMMMMMMM DUUUUUMMMMMMM!!!!!!!
- <end teaser>
-
- ACT 1:
- <FADE IN FROM COMMERCIAL> <We see Picard, Worf, Data and Troi
- aboard the mysteriously altered Borg ship>
- Voice over <Picard>:Captain's log, stardate 90210.69. After a
- long night of partying at the Borg Big Bistro, we attempted a
- fairly standard beam-back to the Enterprise. Unfortunately it
- seems like something terribly wrong has happened.
- <Shot changes to show zombie-like Borg, and standing over
- them, a mysterious and nerdy-looking new Borg.>
- Voice over <Picard>:We left our friends merely moments ago, in
- a lively and normal Borg festive atmosphere. However some strange
- malfunction of the transporter system has sent us back to a very
- different Borg vessel.
- Godfatherus Tripleletterus of Borg:HA! PICARD! YOU HAVE
- RETURNED TO THE FOLD AT LAST! THIS TIME, HOWEVER, LOCUTUS WILL
- NOT LEAD! THESE OTHER WEAKLINGS <he points behind him to a
- mysteriously docile Novellus, Oxnardus, Chatsworthus and several
- others. It seems that they have somehow been incapacitated,
- probably by boredom.) TRIED TO TAKE OVER, AND REMAKE THE BORG
- INTO SOME STUPID SORT OF ENLIGHTENED RACE, BUT I STOPPED THEM!
- HAHAAAAAA! OH, AND BY THE WAY, HOPE THIS HELPS!!!!!
- Troi <to Picard>:Captain, this Borg is obviously insane.
- Picard:Shhhh, be quiet counselor, perhaps if we listen to this
- nut we can figure out what has happened to us.
- <At that very moment, the landing party is enveloped by
- another transporter beam. Moments later they find themselves back
- on board the Enterprise. However, here too, things seem
- mysteriously different.>
- Worf:<yelling> WHERE ARE THE BEER TAPS!!!
- Picard:And the Ren and Stimpy posters..most curious...
- <At that moment the party notices Commander Riker standing
- behind the transporter console.>
- Worf:Commander, where did you get that ridiculous fur on your
- face?
- Riker:What are you talking about Worf? I've had this beard for
- several years.
- Data:Oh commander, it is quite mysterious how much your body
- mass has increased since we last saw you.
- Riker:<embarrassed> Oh come on Data, you know I've had this
- small weight problem for a while too.
- Data:Well Commander, it isn't exactly small...
- Picard:<interrupting> Shhh, Data, <continuing in an aside
- whisper to group on pad, but so Riker cannot hear him> Listen, I
- think we'd better be careful, I don't think this is OUR Commander
- Riker. He could be an impostor.
- Troi:Yes, Captain, and those Borgs didn't seem like the ones
- we know.
- Riker:<walking over to party> Thank God I got you guys in
- time; any longer and who knows what the Borg might have done.
- Picard:Commander, why don't you return to the bridge while we
- ur, ahhh.... debrief. <Riker, slightly dubious, leaves> That is
- not our POTSIE T. Riker!!!! Computer, identify officer that just
- left the room.
- Computer voice:RIKER, WILLIAM T., COMMANDER. FIRST OFFICER
- U.S.S. ENTERPRISE.
- Troi:William?
- Worf:FIRST OFFICER? "U.S.S." Enterprise?
- Picard:Yes, very curious indeed, numba one.
- <DUMMMM DAAAAA DUMMMMMMM!>
-
- To be continued...
- ---Novellus
-
- ===========================
- yub yub, and all of that...
- ===========================
- What is "yub yub?" Is it the scientific name of that special
- Pepsi ingredient "Uh-huh!"? The secret Ewok code word for "pizza
- pizza?" Something that another brilliant mind diztroyed by the
- publik edukashun sistem mite say?
- Well, this unit does indeed know that answer. However, we
- don't want to give this vital information out to just anyone. So
- we have tastefully hidden the truthful meaning in amongst these
- four choices.
- (A) We borrowed it from TeaBorg. You see, one day he signed
- off a note as "buy, buy", instead of the normal (?) "bye bye."
- And, since this unit had accidentally installed a dyslexia
- implant, we read this as "yub yub."
- (B) A holistically random selection of letters, repeated to
- ensure total sublimity. Also used as a password to our bank
- account and to launch all of the nuclear missiles in the
- continental United States. Spoo, we weren't supposed to say
- that. If you believe this, you will need to report to your local
- Jiffy Cube for...reprogramming.
- (C) These are actually part of the lyrics to that totally
- mysterious, yet awesome 1960's hit "Louie, Louie."
- (D) "yub yub" is german for "Just do it."
- Which of these is the real answer? Well, of course, it's
- (E) This unit has gone berserk and needs to be admitted to
- the funny farm, where life is beautiful all the time, and we
- won't mind seeing those nice young men in their nice white coats
- and they're coming to take us away! (Also known as "This unit
- ain't tellin'!").
- Therefore, it will just have to remain a mystery...
- ---Rialtus VCBD90A
-
- ===========================
- SWANNOX/ CLUELESS CAMPAIGN
- ===========================
-
- "A SPEECH"
- ----------
- WE WILL NOT LET THE OLD WAY OF GOVERNMENT STAND! WE SHALL NOT
- LET THE LEADERS WHO BLIND THE PEOPLE REMAIN, IT'S TIME FOR THEM
- TO GO. PEOPLE IN IDAHO SHALL BE AVENGED, NO MORE E AFTER POTATO!
- WE WILL ONCE AGAIN BECOME A STRONG NATION, THOSE WHO TEAR US
- DOWN, ONLY MAKE US STRONGER IN OUR UNITY, I SAY TO THEM, IT'S
- TIME FOR THEM TO GO! THE FEDERATION HAS BRED YEARS OF HOSTILITY
- AGAINST US, WE SAY TO THE FEDERATION, IT'S TIME FOR THEM
- TO GO! IT'S TIME FOR THEM TO GO, IT'S TIME FOR THEM TO GO!
- ---Swannox
-
- POPULAR SWAN/CLUE SLOGANS
- -------------------------
- A PIZZA IN EVERY OVEN
- NO MORE STUPID JERKS
- AN END TO ARCTIC OUTBREAKS
- WE'LL MAKE YOUR BACK FEEL BETTER
- WE LOOK LIKE YOU
- ---Swannox
-
- ==========
- BORG TALES
- ==========
- A Serial. Part 5. "Up the River"
- Our first encounter with the Borg Secret Police was rather
- benign. The officer was kind enough to explain to us that a
- missing dustbuster created just a presumption of a junk food
- violation. The unit then gave us a "fix-it" citation as we were
- new to the cube. The unit even left a Borg Bistro coupon and a
- tip on how to get maximum use out of our cola ingestion implants.
- The unit patted us on our shoulder enhancements, gave us some
- papers, and stated matter-of-factly, "Swan and Clue in '92,"
- before jogging off to some other 'hot spot' in the cube. We
- could not help but admire the sharp looking leather jump suit the
- officer had on.
- Meanwhile, we had become resigned to our collectiveness.
- Singularity no longer held the appeal it once did. The thousand
- of voices were comforting and reminded us that we were never
- alone. Wallowing in these secure thoughts, we automatically
- replugged ourselves in and contemplated the collective.
- The pangs were at first barely noticeable. We unconsciously
- ignored them in our fascination for our new surroundings. After
- a while the pangs became a minor annoyance. Our body was
- experiencing a ... dysfunction.
- Deep within the pit of our reconstructed stomach, we felt a
- dull ache of ... emptiness. We knew we did not. We were besides
- ourselves (not to mention quite a few others). It was as if the
- panic button had been pushed. We looked feverishly to our
- cube-mates on our left and right. They were happily attached to
- their cubicles. Contentment just oozed from them. They
- apparently were in no discomfort. We could feel our blood
- pressure rise and our ears popping.
- We thought the end was nigh. We were disposed to our wasting
- away when we noticed a rather confused looking unit meandering
- our way. The unit continually stopped at plugged in units and
- gave them rather baffled glances. The unit would occasionally
- stop an ambling unit and say, "Excuse me, but you look familiar,
- maybe you could help me," but the ambling unit would invariably
- continue about its business. "Well, don't be helpful!" screamed
- the unit after the latest snub. "Isn't there any unit in this
- collective willing to help a new unit??!!??" We used all of our
- last reserves to say to the unit, "We are Borg. You will
- service..." We passed out.
- Darkness was complete and we no longer heard the thousand
- voices. We were cold and we were lonely.
-
- To be continued in Part 6, "Hey Sailor, New in Town?"
-
- ============
- ASK OXNARDUS
- ============
- Oxnardus,
- 1. What IS that thing on Gorby's head?
- 2. Does the Baby Boomer ticket have a chance?
- 3. Never mind the roses, just WHAT is under Guinan's hat?!?
- ---Procrastinatus of Borg
-
- 1. Just the usual compliment of face appendages.
- 2. Depends where the ticket is to. Does anyone really know
- where the baby boomers are going (of course, other than to their
- graves)?
- 3. A mind that formulated quite a fashion statement, don't you
- think? (Bad habit-answering a ? with a ?)
- ---Oxy
-
-
- ======================================
- BORG NOSTALGIA: REMEMBER THE COLA WARS
- ======================================
- NOTE TO COKE DRINKERS; A LITTLE KNOWN DR. PEPPER FACT: DR. PEPPER
- CANNOT BE USED AS A CONTRACEPTIVE FOAM. STILL HAVEN'T FIGURED
- OUT WHAT ( ACK ) PEPSI IS GOOD FOR.
- ---RUBBERUS CHECKUS the information borg
-
- I use Pepsi to clean the battery terminals on the vehicles in the
- motorpool. Works great.
- ---Don
-
- You are on VERY shaky ground here. The Chatsworthus unit is
- getting.... annoyed.... at the DISPARAGING remarks about PEPSI.
- WE, of course, would NOT disparage any OTHER unit's choice of
- beverage, and NEVER HAVE done so!!!! The Borg Supreme Court is
- NOT very charitable on this subject.... DROP IT, PLEASE....
- ---Chatsworthus of Borg, readying the rack and iron maiden....
-
- WE TOO HAVE USED PEPSI ( ACK ) TO CLEAN OUR BATTERY TERMINAL
- S BUT FOUND THAT THE RESULTING DAMAGE TO THE BATTERY CASE MADE
- THIS USE OF AN ALLEGED BEVERAGE QUITE EXPENSIVE. HOW ABOUT USING
- IT AS A DRIVEWAY CLEANER INSTEAD. COURSE, YOU WOULD HAVE TO GET
- AN EPA WAIVER BEFORE RELEASING THIS TOXIC CHEMICAL INTO THE
- ENVIRONMENT.
- ---RUBBERUS CHECKUS
-
- We have found that since our poor treatment by the Borg courts,
- all is fair in love and colas.
- COKECOKECOKECOKECOKECOKECOKECOKECOKECOKECOKECOKECOKECOKECOKE
- COKECOKECOKECOKECOKECOKECOKECOKECOKECOKECOKECOKECOKECOKECOKE
- COKECOKECOKECOKECOKECOKECOKECOKECOKECOKECOKECOKECOKECOKECOKE
- COKECOKECOKECOKECOKECOKECOKECOKECOKECOKECOKECOKECOKECOKECOKE
- COKE COKE
- COKE SO THERE...NYEAH! --DON COKE
- COKE COKE
- COKECOKECOKECOKECOKECOKECOKECOKECOKECOKECOKECOKECOKECOKECOKE
- COKECOKECOKECOKECOKECOKECOKECOKECOKECOKECOKECOKECOKECOKECOKE
- COKECOKECOKECOKECOKECOKECOKECOKECOKECOKECOKECOKECOKECOKECOKE
- COKECOKECOKECOKECOKECOKECOKECOKECOKECOKECOKECOKECOKECOKECOKE
-
- We used Pepsi to clean battery terminals, too. We thought that
- was an original idea. Do we have telepathy?
- ---Lindaswedacious
-
- PPPPPP EEEEEEE PPPPPPP SSSSSSSSS IIIIIIIII
- P P E P P S I
- P P E P P S I
- PPPPPP EEEE PPPPPPP SSSSSSSSS I BUT PLEASE, NO
- P E P S I UH,HUHS
- P E P S I
- P EEEEEEE P SSSSSSSSS IIIIIIIII MARIANUS
-
-
- YEP, THE CHOICE OF A NEW GENERATION!
- ---TRICIUS, PEPSI FANATIC
-
- CCCCCCCCCC OOOOOOOOOO KKKK KKKK EEEEEEEEE !!!!!
- CCCCCCCCCC OOOOOOOOOO KKKK KKKK EEEEEEEEE !!!!!!!
- CC OO OO KKKKKKK EE !!!!!
- CC OO OO KKKK EEEEEEE !!!!!
- CC OO OO KKKKKKK EE !!!
- CCCCCCCCCC OOOOOOOOOO KKKK KKKK EEEEEEEEE !!!
- CCCCCCCCCC OOOOOOOOOO KKKK KKKK EEEEEEEEE * --Don
-
-
- Jeez. It looks like the entire Judiciary Branch are Pepsi
- drinkers, huh???? (NOT uh huh, btw). We believe that the time may
- come for the Court to flex its massive muscles and show the units
- what can come from making disparaging remarks about PEPSI, the
- national drink. The Dons have started to agitate again. THIS unit
- would not stoop that low, and NEVER has....
- ---Chatsworthus, Pepsiholic
-
- AND YOU KNOW WHAT HAPPENS WHEN YOU AGITATE PEPSI!
- FFFFFFFF IIIIIIIIII ZZZZZZ ZZZZZZZZZ !
- F I Z Z !
- FFFF I Z Z !
- F I Z Z !
- F IIIIIIIIII ZZZZZZZ ZZZZZZZZ .
- ---Marianus
-
- Chats,
- You don't want me to reinstate #2 again do you?
- ---Don, patiently awaiting the next issue of RIF.
-
- Chats,
- Chill out!!! The original implants that we received were designed
- for use with Coke. Unless, while we were away from the
- board(G)s, new implants were made, we are sticking with Coke.
- ---Lindaswedacious, always faithful to Coke
-
- Marianus: This unit would not agitate Pepsi. We try to put down
- agitation, as it is not good for the digestive implants or the
- nerves! Like your graphic, though!! Don: There are only two
- words that can answer your question about reinstatement of the
- infamous #2: G-D FORBID!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
- ---Chatsworthus
-
- Uh-huh. You got it, baby! (Sorry, but this unit just could NOT
- resist such an overwhelming feeling of...of..."Uh-huh"-ness....)
- ---yub yub, Rialtus
-
- Whar's the 'Jolt'?
- ---|_as |_arius
-
- Classic coke !!!
- ---Znazzi
-
- OH MOST MENTAL ONE:
- SINCE POSSESSION OF JOLT IS A JUNK FOOD VIOLATION, NO ONES GOING
- TO OWN UP TO HAVING ANY. HOW 'BOUT YOU?
- ---TRICIUS, SUPREME ADMINISTRATOR OF THE BORG SECRET POLICE
-
- oops...been away a few days, so here goes...................
- JJJJJJ
- JJJJJJ / \ TT
- JJ OO/ \ / TT
- JJ O /O \/ TTTTTTTTTT
- JJ JJ O/ O TT
- JJJJ /OO TT
- Oh, and yes, this unit does indeed have a license to have Jolt
- Cola. So all we have to say is ..."Deal with it!" BTW, uh...we
- were just... experimenting ...yeah...that's it. We wouldn't dare
- thinking of drinking it. We were just going to put it to our
- lips. But suddenly, it jumped down our throat. Then, of course,
- we needed to see if it would do it every time, so we have to
- repeat this crucial experiment. yeah, that's it. It's
- imperative that this experiment continue, for the well-being of
- the borg everywhere!!!!
- ---yub yub, (and making this up as we go along...) Rialtus...
- OUCH! Where'd that lightning rod come from?!?!
-
- Fellow Borgers,
- Am I the only unit who's mood is affected by different colas in
- different ways? Coke makes us cranky and Pepsi makes us
- aggressive! Comments?
- ---Allofus, drank Jolt once and went psycho
-
- Wouldn't know. We drink too much Jolt that our taste implants
- left us. (See previous note!)
- ---yub yub, Rialtus, who is Drain Bamaged 124% of the time
-
- CCCCCC OOOOO K K EEEEEEEE ! !
- C O O K K E !!
- C O O K K EEEE !! Coke is #1!
- CCCCC OOOOO K K EEEEEEE ! !
- ---Volksarius
-
- Volks: The Borg Supreme Court, and the Borg Secret Police, are
- watching this display of emotion with interest.... Do you have
- any relatives in Atlanta? What are their coordinates? What are
- the names of their friends? Are you now, or have you ever been, a
- 7-up Uncola drinker? Confession is good for the soul. Also the
- blues, reggae, and jazz....
- ---Chatsworthus, with a very thinly veiled threat of BSC here..
-
- 7-Up? AcK! CCCOOOOKKKKEEEE!!!! ###111111!!!!!!
- ---Volksarius
-
- Chats,
- Blues, reggae, jazz and Coke!!!!!! No uncola, no Pepsi, no
- sprite, no Rock n Roll past 1975.
- ---Lindaswedacious
-
- ----------------
- | Dr. Pepper |
- ----------------
- Two words say it all
- Simple, quiet, elegant, calm ............ no need to overstate
- the obvious. D.P., for the stressless generation.
- ---Rubberus Checkus
-
- mt. dew...100% caffeine
- ---BEAST
-
- Shasta Grape Soda is absolute ambrosia!
- ---Allofus
-
- Nope. Sorry but A&W Cream Soda is the drink of the gods! It is
- just like the cream soda I drank a long, long time ago.
- ---Marianus- and the Snoopy cartoons on the can are cute!
-
- "WE'RE A PEPPER, WE'RE A PEPPER, WE'RE A PEPPER, WE'RE A PEPPER,
- WOULDN'T WE LIKE TO BE A PEPPER TOO?" An ancient ultra-orthodox
- Borg jingle, from before the time of the 3rd Assimilation. (from
- the Archives)
- ---MONTANUS, blowing dust off the ancient scrolls in the Cube
- Catacombs. AAAACHOOOOOOOOO!!!!
-
- " BE A PEPPER, DRINK DR. PEPPER, BE A PEPPER, DRINK DR. PEPPER
- ...." CHORUS FROM ANCIENT FOLK SONG STILL SUNG BY LITTLE BORG
- UNITS BEHIND THEIR PARENTAL UNITS BACKS.
- ---RUBBERUS CHECKUS, cola war rebel and demi-god
-
- (CRACKLE)
- The great god of third shift.....MT. DEW
- ---Q2
-
- WE USED TO DRINK MT. DEW WHEN WE WERE A LITTLE UNIT, BUT WE GREW
- INTO THE MORE ADULT TASTE OF DR. PEPPER. SMOOTH, COOL, REFRESHING
- DR. PEPPER.
- ---RUBBERUS CHECKUS, cola war rebel and closet sprite drinker
-
- Don't know about the telepathy thing...hard enough keeping track
- of what all of me are thinking. Pepsi has many many uses,
- cleaning batteries is one. I also use it to soak paintbrushes
- in, but don' leave it in too long or it'll dissolve the bristles.
- Concrete cleaner has been mentioned, and I've also heard that the
- Jivaro Indians down in Brazil pour it into the river to stun
- fish. This is only hearsay as I haven't been to Brazil lately to
- check it out.
- ---Don, don't use it as a tape head cleaner or all your music
- will sound like New Kids
-
- \|/ FIZZZZZ \|/ GULP,GULP
- \|/ PSHHHT -O- -O- \|/
- -O- /|\ \|/FFFSSSS /|\ -O- AHHHH
- /|\ -O- /|\
- \|/ /|\ \|/
- -O- FIZZZZ -O-
- /|\ /|\ BRPPP!
- ---Marianus NRCR88A
-
- * * * *
- * \ | | / *
- * * * * * * *
- * -->* BRAAAAAPPP!!! *<-- *
- * * * * * * --Don, Wow!
- * / | | \ * Its the
- * * * * real thing
-
-
- JUST WHAT WERE YOU DRINKING TO GET THAT?! AND I THOUGHT PEPSI'S
- RESULTS WERE EARTH-SHATTERING!
- ---MARIANUS- HUMBLED
-
- Marianus,
- Only Coke can get those kinds of results
- ---Don
-
- Why are all you Borg wasting valuable partying time on something
- as trivial as soft drinks? Just like you pathetic little beings
- to do so.
- ---Q
-
- Not feeling well, Q? You didn't use the word "insect" in your
- post.
- ---Oxnardus, we are concerned
-
- Oxnardus of Borg,
- Oh, I'm touched by your concern.
- ---Q
-
- You guys know something? Chatsworthus finds himself in
- AGREEMENT with the L. Berna Q unit! Scary, isn't it? We are
- spending far too much of our partying time on which cola is
- better, and too little time actually partying!! Chatsworthus,
- Associate Justice BSC, hands down this decree, for now, and
- hopefully forever. This is a truly stupendous moment, and will go
- down in the Borg Archives of Montanus, forever....*****BY ORDER
- OF CHATSWORTHUS***** From this stardate onward, 920726.0742, be
- it known by all present, their descendants, heirs, assigns,
- legatees, devisees, etc etc etc, forthwith and heretofor and all
- that other legal gobbledegook, that ALL Borg units have the
- absolute right to consume ANY beverage of their choice!!!!!! This
- right is only limited when it comes to alcoholic beverages, in
- which case, they must NOT be consumed by the designated pilot
- unit of their landcruiser, within a minimum of twelve earth hours
- before piloting. Colas, Uncolas, Doctors, Mountains, Crushes and
- Crushers, Shastas, Mug, A&W, etc etc may be consumed in any
- quantity that a unit sees fit, and NO other unit, INCLUDING
- Chatsworthus, will make ANY discouraging words, and the sky,
- won't be cloudy, all day!!! Home, home on the..... oops.... song
- comes easily to Chats, heh heh.... FURTHERMORE, let it be known
- that any and all variants of these beverages, i.e. High octane,
- diet, caffeine-free, caffeine-paid, salt-free, double caffeine,
- etc etc are among the protected types. The "etc" is carefully
- designed to cover any beverages that Chats may have forgotten to
- mention here. We hope that this will absolutely and forever end
- the bloody Cola Wars, without even the need for Wiggalus to
- arrange an internal treaty among the Borg!
- The Chatsworthus unit wishes to take this opportunity to thank
- the L. Berna unit of the Q for waking us up to the fact that
- WHICH beverage is irrelevant! (Bearing in mind the codicil about
- alcoholic beverages, of course)
- ---Chatsworthus of Borg
-
- On the now silent battlefield of the Cola Wars, a lone figure
- stumbles through the shattered hunks of cola vending machines and
- rusted remains of cola delivery vehicles. As the figure draws
- closer, it can be seen that it is Rubberus Checkus, follower, if
- not de facto leader of the 3rd Dr. Pepper Division, 1st Be A
- Pepper Infantry. The gleam has long since left his exposed metal
- implants and his clothes hang in tatters upon his body. He stops
- and leans against the wall of an abandoned Jiffy Cube and surveys
- the far flung battlefields of this insidious war.
- Rubberus can't help but wonder how long this peace shall
- endure. Many units have come with offers of peace and
- tranquility. It only lasts until the next shot in the dark, the
- next jab at another units choice of beverages.
- Rubberus will honor this truce but will always be on the
- look out for treachery. This is the way it always has been.
- Who know's? Maybe, finally, this is the peace that everyone has
- waited for.
- Seeing his comrade, Montanus, raising from her foxhole,
- Rubberus feels good. At least some of the new guys survived. So
- many others did not. Too many to remember their names, they are
- only half forgotten faces, lurking in the back of Rubberus' mind.
- Throwing his right arm implant around Montanus' shoulders,
- Rubberus leads the way to a new, brave Collective. A Collective
- where one's right to drink the beverage of their choice will not
- be infringed on. A Collective where petty prejudice will be
- stamped out forever. A Collective that will endure through all
- the hard times. With a beaming smile on his face, Rubberus
- turns to Montanus and says, "Now, it's Dr. Pepper time."
- ---Rubberus Checkus
-
- What a vision, R.C. Oh, BTW, have you ever heard of RC Cola???
- ---Oxnardus, a firm Dr. Pepperite
-
- Rubberus: GREAT STORY!!!!! We enjoyed it so much that we ran out
- immediately and purchased a Dr Pepper!!!!!! YES to the first,
- NOT to the second.... <G>
- ---Chatsworthus
-
- Truly stardate 920726.0742 will be a day forever honored by the
- Borg as the date on which the decree of the Most Honorable
- Chatsworthus brought to an end the epic, bloody Cola Wars. The
- name of Chatsworthus and the words of his decree shall be forever
- enshrined in the Archives of the Borg.
- ---MONTANUS, keeper of the Archives
-
- Sunlight glinting off the tears that fill her optic implants,
- Montanus salutes smartly and hands an icy DP to General Checkus.
- Her heart is heavy as she thinks of the fallen who gave their
- lives to defend every Borg's right to drink the cola of his
- choice, yet she rejoices because their sacrifice was not in vain.
- Although a new day has dawned on what she hopes will be an era of
- peace for the Collective. Montanus realizes that the price of
- peace is eternal vigilance. Should it become necessary, she but
- awaits the command of General Checkus to once again take the
- field in defense of truth, justice, and the Dr. Pepper way.
- ---MONTANUS, aide-de-camp to General Rubberus Checkus
-
- Chatsworthus of Borg,
- Glad to be of help to you little insect-like beings.
- ---Q
-
- Dear Great One Novellus,
- As official Borg Olympic Team Recruiter, we must tell you that we
- have proclaimed Dr. Pepper to be the official team beverage
- although in accordance with Chatsworthus' decree of 920726.0742
- (already enshrined in the Archives) we defend the right of all
- Borg to consume the soft drink of their choice.
- ---MONTANUS, being oh so diplomatic
-
- Ok, now that the war is over, someone better release my six pack
- of Coke. And I'd better not find out they've been shaken. I can
- play hardball if necessary.
- ---Don, holding a full can of Pepsi hostage in his can crusher.
-
- ===============
- TREATY OF PEACE
- ===============
- [What follows is a draft of the latest Treaty of Peace being
- negotiated with the United Federation of Planets by the Borg
- Ambassador Division currently being headed by Fraclicutus of Borg
- while Secretary of Foreign Affairs and Chief Treaty Maker
- Wiggalus of Borg is on vacation. This historic document is being
- negotiated via Terran Prodigy communication interface. The
- brackets contain commentary from the author of the proposed
- Treaty, Fraclicutus--ed. in chief]
-
- PART I: These terms and conditions having been negotiated and
- agreed to be identically understood, the Borg Collective body and
- the United Federation of Planets mutually pledge to each other
- their solemn word to immediately cease physical hostilities and
- to begin partying effective immediately.
-
- PART II: Since We of the Borg Collective are an extra-Galaxial
- sentience, a "Neutral Zone" is thoroughly unnecessary. Therefore
- We, of Ambassorial status are petitioning for Borg freedom to
- roam unheeded through Federation space as long as our policy of
- "No Involuntary Assimilations" continues to exist. IF AT SOME
- TIME IN THE FUTURE the Supreme Borg of the Borg Collective
- mind decides to repeal that policy, then this Treaty is to be
- considered null and void. [Comment: If voided, it shall be
- open season on all Earthers and Federation primitives].
-
- PART III: Since We of the Borg Central Consciousness believe
- that the Federation's so-called "Prime Directive" is its silly
- excuse not to invite primitive races to their parties, we excuse
- ourselves from any involvement or prosecution due to the
- Federation's short-sighted "Prime Directive." WE OF THE BORG
- CONTINUUM SHALL PARTY WITH ANYONE WE SEE FIT.
-
- PART IV: As so stated in PART I above, We Borg and the
- Federation shall engage in serious multitudinous partying.
- Therefore, all party preparation decisions, such as catering,
- music, cube/room preparations, transportations, etc., shall be
- done internally by the Borg/Federation Party Precouncil
- (BOFPREP). There shall be a working agenda on all matters of
- parties. The BOFPREP shall consist of three (3) Borg Units and
- three (3) Federation Starship crew members on leave. [Comment:
- This is because it is known across the galaxy that among the
- vocations of the Federation, no other allows excessive partying
- like that of starship crew members, officers minimally included]
-
- PART V: Any Borg/Federation parties shall be no shorter than
- two (2) Terran days and no longer than 2 (two) Terran months in
- duration. Violation of this decree shall be punished with at
- least three (3) years more partying. [Comment: As to the fact
- that We Borg love to party, this part is really meant to scare
- the federation partiers]
-
- PART VI: In such case a duly planned Borg/Federation Party D.J.
- calls off at the last minutes, than an outside board of ten
- members from intelligent interested non-Borg/Federation races
- (e.g., the Klingons, the Romulans, the Parameciums, etc.) must
- come together and choose a suitable D.J. from a list of
- pre-approved music-lovin' worlds. The chosen one (the D.J.)
- shall ne notified of the party's location, date/timeline, be
- given the musical temperate proper for the party, and a
- Borg/Federation transport representative to get the D.J. to the
- party on time.
-
- PART VII: In case of apparent jeopardy, extreme thirst or
- hunger of sub-units of either party, or where continued partying
- is in danger of being canceled prematurely, without the
- commanding officer or civilian in charge of the sub-unit's
- authorization, assistance is required to be rendered without
- charge and without fail by any other party sub-unit whether
- civilian or military to the unit or sub-units jeopardized.
- [Comment: This is put in as a precaution]
-
- ==============================
- DIARY OF A BORG ON THE OUTSIDE
- ==============================
- [In July of this year, the Tricius unit was momentarily cut off
- from the collective. Although at first dazed and very lonely,
- she gathered her wherewithal to smuggle to us a document about
- her experiences--Ed. in Chief]
- First, let us say that we miss us all greatly. Life on the
- outside had been strange indeed. The unemployment division has
- had no "Wanted: Borg for Hire" listings as of late and refused to
- send this unit out on interviews unless implants are removed. We
- also received a parking ticket for taking up more than one space.
- Don't they know that our cube don't fit in rectangular parking
- spaces? Well, anyway, we were these standing in line waiting for
- our unit number to be called when who did we see but old "one of
- five" himself, Hugh! It seems no one wants to hire him because
- of his prior on the job accident record. This unit and her
- spousal unit can relate, so we invited Hugh over for some Mad Dog
- 20/20 (hey, we're on a practically non-existent budget here).
- Hugh got royally blitzed and decided to join the French Foreign
- Legion. We wished him luck and sent him along with a hello to
- Locutus. It is difficult being trapped on Earth. We try to fit
- in, but find that these Earthlings seem somewhat reluctant to
- accept us. Maybe it's the way they all dive under their tables
- when we walk in the bar. There is one advantage though, when you
- talk to them they become exceedingly agreeable and very
- apologetic. Heck, if you bump into them they always say "So
- sorry, my fault." So we make a point to bump into them whenever
- we can.
- One creature that always intrigues us here are those of the
- domestic feline variety. Upon approach they seem calm, though
- they evidently have an acceptable distance standard which one
- must observe. This seems to be an approximate distance of ten
- feet. When one exceeds this feline approach limit the creatures
- utter the most interesting sound vibrations and tend to achieve
- amazing aerodynamic feats including back flips, body twists, and
- wall climbing. Perhaps we shall try approaching one with the
- edible food stuff called "lasagna".
- There is reference to this in the form of pictures containing
- one large feline, orange in color, in what is known here as
- "strips of comic". Perhaps it would be wise to take a strip of
- this comic with us to show to the beast also. We shall continue
- our observations and report back to the collective at a later
- date. ... Woe is us, oh collective ones. It seems the feline
- creature enjoyed "lasagna" but not our physical contact. We
- shall need scratch and dent treatment upon our return. We have
- also learned the call of the felines and shall endeavor to spend
- our evenings in the streets shouting "Here, Kitty, kitty, kitty!"
- though last time we tried this the streets became deserted of ALL
- life forms. We visited the so called "police department" and
- found it somewhat like our own secret police headquarters.
- Upon our entrance to the structure we were greeted with
- curiosity and asked who had requested the visit from the telegram
- service and if we were going to sing something. They also seemed
- humored by our last mane designation of "Murphy" and made
- references to one "Robocop". We have thus far been unable to
- locate said entity, though we did get the cube's parking ticket
- dismissed. The replicator on board our cube has malfunctioned
- and we must now resort to phaser use. We are having stunned
- drumsticks and partially obliterated potatoes this evening with a
- side order of popped corn. This seems to work faster than the
- large white box in the kitchen area as it's heat conductors are
- not quick enough for immediate food consumption. We are also
- amused by the sound and picture receiver located in the living
- area and find that the box works best when we stand next to it.
- We are thinking of renting ourselves out as a satellite signal
- receiver and collecting thirty or so of their currency per month.
- If they toss in a free meal we may include full coverage of
- Japanese Sumo wrestling complete with interpretations via our
- universal translator. We may also rent ourselves out to clients
- as a courtroom interpreter. And, for a small added fee, the
- interpretations may even be done correctly. Time to go now. We
- will sneak over to the mail receptacle late this evening and
- deposit this communication. The collector of communications
- tends to act much like the feline creatures if he sees us coming.
- Until another time and date--this is Tricius, Borg at large
- reporting from the Outside.
-
- ==============================================
- TRANSCRIPT FROM BORG SECRET POLICE PHONE TAPS
- ==============================================
- [Ring, ring]
- "Who is this and what do you want?" AMG says in a shaky voice
- as he answers his nifty Sports Illustrated sneaker phone.
- "This is your therapist. You haven't checked in in over a
- week and I was wondering how your psychological treatment was
- progressing. Are you doing your exercises? You know, the ones
- where you chant "I'm okay, your okay" over and over again to
- yourself. Are they helping yet?"
- "No, they aren't," AMG squeeks. "there's this group of people
- on Prodigy who are having a good time and I don't know how to get
- them to like me."
- "Have you tried being nice to them, posting intelligent
- replies to discussions, refraining from temper tantrums and
- personal attacks?" the therapist asks in a highly concerned
- voice.
- "Aw, but Doc, I just get so frustrated!" AMG whines, then
- adds, "I even told them I had friends in high places!"
- "Oh, you mean that airline pilot you once knew?" asked the
- sympathetic therapist.
- "Yea, that's the one!" AMG blurts excitedly. "I was simply
- trying to impress them, but all they do is laugh. I keep trying
- to hold a position of authority on the boards and they keep
- psychoanalyzing me. They say I have been falsely feeling
- grammar, or something like that."
- After a moment of thought the therapist says, "Oh, you must
- mean 'False feelings of grandeur'"!
- "Yea, that's the ticket!" AMG replies.
- "This is also referred to as the 'Schoolyard Bully syndrome'
- and consists of hating to see others happy when you are not." the
- therapist explained. "I must go now, and I want to see you in my
- office tomorrow morning. Oh, and that will be $200 for today's
- phone session."
- "Okee Dokee, Doc," says AMG. "you're my bestest friend!"
- "Yea, right." the therapist snickers and then hangs up.
- ---TRICIUS
-
- ===============================================
- THE BORGS AND THE BEANS PRESS CONFERENCE REPORT
- ===============================================
- Today, TeaBorg held a press conference that sent shockwaves
- through the Borg. The startling facts that were revealed reached
- far and wide, from the Federation to the Klingons and to the
- Romulan Empires. Even the Ferengi were revolted. And why was this
- conference held? As TeaBorg said, "This unit asks only for
- justice. Beancountus has presented only lies to the BSC. We are
- here today to reveal the truth." TeaBorg then went on to state,
- "Beancountus has presented no evidence of any kind. He has
- instead stated that his defense is based on one fact: That
- chocolate beans do not exist. He is right about that, in this
- universe. However, like the Q, the Spelling Bees exist in a
- different universe, an alternate one with different rules. And in
- that universe, chocolate beans and chocolate trees do indeed
- exist."
- TeaBorg then presented a video tape showing chocolate beans
- and chocolate trees. This reporter was very moved by this tape
- and had no idea of the beauty and serenity of the Spelling Bees
- and their magnificent trees. TeaBorg explained, "We show you this
- tape to point out the importance of the chocolate beans
- Beancountus took from us. Please note that we are most upset by
- the fact he took ALL the chocolate beans. Here you see our
- workers gathering beans from the trees. They are next taken to
- our only Queen. See how the Queen carefully and tenderly deposits
- one of her eggs inside each chocolate bean. You next see the
- workers carrying the beans and carefully planting each one. As
- each tree starts to grow, the egg inside hatches a fetus which is
- nourished by the chocolate sap of the young tree. The excretion
- produced by the fetus is necessary to the growth and survival of
- the tree. Within a few of your years, the tree has grown tall and
- strong and the fetus has almost developed into a new Spelling
- Bee. Finally, the tree produces a crack, allowing the young
- Spelling Bee to emerge into the sunlight and to become a
- productive member of the hive."
- "But what does this all mean? I don't understand.", yelled out
- a Ferengi reporter.
- TeaBorg just looked at him sadly and shook his head. With
- tears streaming down his face, he quietly replied, "Don't you
- see, with all the chocolate beans gone, our queen has no place to
- lay her eggs that will provide their nourishment. Our race is
- doomed to extinction unless we can convince the BSC to order
- Beancountus to return the chocolate beans. If they are not
- returned, then he shall always be remembered as Beancountus the
- Genocide of Borg."
- This reporter can only say that she was very moved. Looking
- around in the silence of the audience, she could not find an
- entity with a dry face. Head downcast, Teaborg silently shuffled
- away.
- ---Lois Sullivan, roving reporter
-
- =============================================================
- BORG SINGLES BAR RULES AND REGULATIONS AND HANDY TIPS FOR THE
- UNSURE:
- =============================================================
- 1. CHECK ALL PROSPECTIVE FLIRTS FOR MIRRORS ON THEIR SHOES.
- 2. DO NOT IRRITATE THE OCCASIONAL Q WHO WANDERS IN. WE HAVE TOO
- MANY TABLE LAMPS THAT USED TO BE BORG DECORATING THE PLACE
- ALREADY.
- 3. SING AS LOUDLY AND AS BADLY AS YOU CAN. OF COURSE, IF A
- FERENGI SHOULD WANDER IN, STOP THIS IMMEDIATELY AS MOST TIMES
- IT IS MISTAKEN FOR THEIR MATING CALL.
- 4. IF THE CHIEF JUSTICE IS HERE, ALL MUST BUY HER A DRINK.
- 5. THE BOUNCER IS A VERY LARGE GUY NAMED GUIDO SO DON'T DO
- ANYTHING SERIOUS HERE OR YOU WILL BE THROWN OUT ON YOUR
- POSTERIOR IMPLANTS.
- 6. FOOD FIGHTS ARE ENCOURAGED BUT NEVER, NEVER THROW ANY PIE
- OTHER THAN A CREAM PIE OR YOU MAY BE CHARGED WITH A JUNK
- FOOD VIOLATION.
- 7. LYING ABOUT YOUR AGE IS IMPORTANT FOR MORALE.
- 8. AS IS USUALLY THE CASE, THIS BAR SEEMS TO BE FREQUENTED BY
- MORE FEMALES THAN MALES.
- 9. IT IS THE CLUBS POLICY THAT THERE WILL BE NO STREWN BODY
- PARTS ON THE FLOOR AFTER A FIGHT. YOU MUST NEATLY PLACE
- THEM ON THE TABLE FOR THE BUSBOYS TO CLEAN UP LATER.
- ---Marianus
-
- ==================
- CETACEUS ON VULCAN
- ==================
- WE ARE CETACEUS OF BORG, GRAND-SPAWN OF MOST REVERED GEORGE
- AND GRACIE. WE ARE RETURNED TO INSTILL UPON THE BORG COLLECTIVE
- MORE OF THE PHILOSOPHICAL MEANDERINGS OF THE GALAXY'S INFERIOR
- RACES. WE HAVE CHOSEN TODAY THE PLANET OF VULCAN, THOSE
- SPINELESS ROMULAN WANNABEES. WE LEARNED THIS FROM A STARFLEET
- TRICORDER LEFT BEHIND IN A KLINGON BIRD-OF-PREY ON THE BOTTOM OF
- EARTH'S SAN FRANCISCO BAY. "Logic is the cement of our
- civilization with which we ascend chaos using reason as our
- guide." [T'Planehath, Matron of Vulcan Philosophy]
- WE WOULD NOW LIKE TO TAKE THIS OPPORTUNITY TO ADD TO THE
- COLLECTIVE A BIT OF PHILOSOPHY WE HAD PONDERED LO' THOSE MANY
- YEARS IN THE OCEANS OF EARTH BEFORE WE BECAME SUPERIOR AND WERE
- ASSIMILATED BY THE BORG BECAUSE RESISTANCE IS FUTILE. SO, HERE
- IT IS, HOLD ON TO YOUR IMPLANTS (A LITTLE BY OF BORG HUMOR).
- "The one truth about LOGIC is that it seldom makes SENSE."
- "To discover lost treasures, one must first become lost."
- "In the dogsled of life, if you're not the lead dog, the
- scenery never changes."
- "Those with no grip on reality live forever, for when you
- accept reality, your imagination dies...and so does your soul."
- [All of the above--CETACEUS OF BORG]
- ALSO, WE WOULD WISH TO IMPART UPON THE COLLECTIVE A FORM OF
- LITERARY PROSE KNOWN AS POETRY, WITH WHICH WE HAVE BEEN KNOWN TO
- ASSOCIATE. HOWEVER, WE MUST SAVE SOMETHING FOR OUR NEXT
- COMMUNIQUE (MUSTN'T WE?).
- ---CETACEUS OF BORG GVFX49A
-
- ================
- BORG DATING GAME
- ================
- (Doo-doo-doot-doo-doo-doo-dooooo, doo-doo-doot-doo-doo-
- doo-doooooo.)
- ANNOUNCER: Welcome to the Borg Dating Game. The game where
- a single Borg is randomly chosen from the Big Jar of Borg to
- interview three hidden ferengi bachelors or baccalaureates, and
- then choose one lucky ferengi for an exciting all expenses paid
- dinner to the Borg Bistro and after dinner drinks and a show at
- the Borg Blues Club. Now, here's your host, Oxnardus of Borg...
- (Applause and dorky music)...
- OXNARDUS: Hello fans and sponsors! This is Oxnardus
- welcoming to you to another exciting Dating Game. We have a
- great show this afternoon, so let's get started. The first
- contestant for today's show is....Marianus of Borg. Marianus come
- on down!!!!!! Marianus, it says on my card that you are the
- Chief Justice of the Borg Supreme Court. That must be quite a
- job. Can you tell us about it in twenty words or less? But
- first, a word from our sponsor.
- (Applause followed by Rice-A-Roni commercial, then more dorky
- music)
- OXNARDUS: Yes, that's RICE-A-RONI, the San Francisco treat.
- We were just asking Chief Justice Marianus of Borg to describe
- what it's like to be a Chief Justice of the Borg Supreme Court in
- twenty words or less.
- MARIANUS: DOVE BARS, PEZ, VANILLA SCENTED GAVEL POLISH, GAVEL
- LICKING, METAL DETECTORS, HAVING THE LAST SAY, AND BAILIFFS IN
- LEATHER. IS RICE-A-RONI INCLUDED?
- FERENGI #2: Uh, excuse me, but uh, um, as Ferengi number 2 I'd
- just like to say that I am just quivering to be here and my ears
- are tingling at the thought of the chief justice babes touch. So
- if this humanoid-borg female object would just get to it and
- choose me, she'll know what a REAL ferengi could do for her...ha!
- s*x anytime].
- OXNARDUS: WHOA, HOLD YOUR HORSES THERE, FERENGI #2. YOU ARE
- JUMPING THE GUN. PLEASE WAIT UNTIL MARIANUS HAS CHOSEN YOU AND
- HAS ASKED YOU A QUESTION BEFORE ANSWERING. WE KNOW YOU ARE A
- MIGHTY EXCITED LITTLE GUY, SO PLEASE TRY TO CONTAIN IT, AND
- MAYBE, PERHAPS, YOU WILL BE TONIGHT'S BIG WINNER! OOPS, TIME FOR
- ANOTHER COMMERCIAL
- [Another long Rice-A-Roni commercial]
- OXNARDUS: YES, THAT'S RICE-A-RONI, THE SAN FRANCISCO TREAT.
- WE RETURN TO THE DATING GAME WHERE OUR CONTESTANT, MARIANUS OF
- BORG, THE CURRENT CHIEF JUSTICE FOR LIFE OF THE BORG SUPREME
- COURT WAS JUST TELLING US SOME VERY HUMOROUS ANECDOTES FROM HER
- UPCOMING MEMOIRS. GREAT STORIES, MARIANUS, BUT IT IS TIME TO ASK
- A QUESTION.
- MARIANUS: FERENGI NUMBER TWO: IF YOU COULD BE A VEGETABLE,
- WHAT KIND WOULD YOU BE?
- FERENGI #2: Vegetable!?? Vegetable! What kind of ridiculous
- question is that? I would only consider vegetable matter that is
- capable of processing for use in building materials...combined
- with alumiplasticene to increase the mass of sellable material...
- always looking for ways to increase profit through creative
- alloys. Otherwise, I suppose I could be a cucumber. Ferengi #2
- MARIAN: OKAY, FERENGI NUMBER ONE, IF I PICK YOU, WHAT WOULD WE
- DO FOR THE DATE?
-
- [to be continued]
-
- [NOTE: Ferengi #2 was performed by Clueless of Borg, a well-known
- Borg performance artist]
-
- Question from the Studio Audience
- ----------------------------------
- This unit would like some clarification. When you said the
- winner gets a Ferengi "for an exciting dinner" at the Borg
- Bistro, did you mean that the Ferengi in question is the main
- course?
- ---Coloraturus of Borg (who loves fried Ferengi fingers but
- prefers to pass on the other, somewhat tougher parts)
-
-
- Thank you for patronizing our show, Coloraturus. What is to be
- done with the ferengi is at the option of the winner. Knowing
- the Chief Justice as we do, we would expect her to date the
- ferengi before consuming it (kinda of praying manta-ish).
- ---Oxnardus
-
- =================
- EDITORIAL NOTICES
- =================
- The Borg Club is present on commercial national bulletin board
- services and on many amateur bulletin board networks and local
- areas.
-
- =================
- COPYRIGHT NOTICES
- =================
- "RIF" acknowledges that Paramount Pictures and its various
- subsidiaries as having the sole rights to the Star Trek
- trademark. "RIF" has no intention to infringe upon that copyright
- or earn profit from this publication. It is distributed free of
- charge. "RIF" also acknowledges the Prodigy Services, General
- Electric, and NVN copyrights. This newsletter may be distributed
- by anyone if kept intact and not altered in anyway. Consider it
- shareware publishing! Resistance is Futile, copyright (c) 1992,
- 1993 by RIF BBS
-
- ============================
- BACK ISSUES OF RIF AVAILABLE
- ============================
- Missing an issue? Used your RIF for a place mat or coaster one
- time too many? Just send a self-addressed stamped ($.52) business
- sized envelope to RIF BBS, P.O. Box 7822, Oxnard, CA 93031 and
- that abused issue will be replaced. Please indicate which issue
- you desire. All back issues are available!
-
- ============
- CONTRIBUTORS
- ============
- Allofus NBKB43A
- Bat-Q
- BEAST SHRK82A
- CETACEUS OF BORG GVFX49A
- Chatsworthus of Borg BFSF75A
- Chief Justice See Marianus
- Clueless of Borg PSPH17A
- Coloraturus
- Don RNMCO5A
- Fraclicutus FBJF52A
- Las Larius VTKR18D
- Lindaswedacious RFCX68B
- Lois Sullivan PHCR65B
- Marianus NRCR88A
- MONTANUS TPVH97A
- Novellus GMDH77A
- Oxnardus HCMH17A
- Procrastinatus VXWS65D
- Q PSGX43A
- Q2 NNKT68B
- RUBBERUS CHECKUS BVBP84A
- Rialtus VCBD90A
- Swannox HCMH17F
- Tricius WJPM68D
- Volksarius HRWP99B
- Wiggalus DVFM22B
- Znazzi CVRM02C
-
- RESISTANCE IS FUTILE
- Reprint Issue for Downloading
- [The following newsletter is a special reprint created specially
- for distribution over BBS systems. RIF is the newsletter of the
- "Borg Club", an organization originally only located on the
- Prodigy Network Service from February 1992 to April 1993. It
- expanded into the GEnie Network in May 1993, the NVN Network in
- June 1993, and into various other BBSes and networks from July
- 1993. WARNING: The first seven issues of RIF were assumed to be
- read by Prodigy members. All IDs are Prodigy IDs. Many of the
- references are made to Prodigy idiosyncracies.]
-
-
-
-
-
-
-
-
- _____________ ____________ ____________
- * / R \ */ \ */ \
- * | E ______ | *\____ ____/ *| ________/
- * | S |******| | ****| |*** *| F |********
- * | I | *| | *| | *| U |____
- * | S ~~~~~~~ / *| I | *| T \
- * | T ____ \ *| S | *| I ____/
- * | A |*** \ \ *| | *| L |***
- * | N | * \ \ ___*| |____ *| E |
- * | C | * \ \/ \ *| |
- * \__E_/ * \___/______________/ *\____/
- ***** **** ************** *****
- P.O. Box 7822
- Oxnard, CA 93031
-
- THE OFFICIAL ORGAN OF THE GALACTIC BORG CONSCIOUSNESS
- ISSUE NUMBER 6
- October 1992
-
- RESISTANCE IS FUTILE ("RIF") is published and edited by Oxnardus
- and Ripley for distribution on various national electronic
- services and local electronic BBS echos. Address listings,
- copyright notices, editorial notices, and information on back
- issues are printed at the end of this newsletter. All
- correspondence should be sent by e-mail to Oxnardus or Ripley
- (addresses given at end of newsletter) or mailed to "Resistance
- is Futile", P.O. Box 7822, Oxnard, CA 93031.
-
- =========
- CONTENTS
- =========
- 1001 COW TIPS FOR ALL OCCASIONS: Part One
- MIRROR, MIRROR: Part 2
- POLITICAL AD FOR SWANNOX
- "BE A BIG CAHUNA FOR 48 HOURS" CONTEST AT LAST CONCLUDED
- MEMOIRS OF THE COLA WARS
- ABSENTEE BALLOTS AVAILABLE FOR ELECTION ON NOVEMBER 3RD
- BORG CHEERS
- THE NIGHT NOVELLUS CLOSED THE LIBRARY DOWN
- SHOCKING NEWS: ATTENTION ALL BORG UNITS
- ALIEN PERSPECTIVE: The Wedding of the Rihannsu Praetor and T'Caer
- ASK NOVELLUS
- NAKED CAME THE BORG
- ASK OXNARDUS
- ADVERTISEMENTS
- TRUE LIFE DOCTOR PEPPER TALES
- TOP TEN REASONS WHY THE BORG LIKE PIZZA
- BORG BILLIARDS
- BORG LATIN LESSONS
- TRANSCRIPT OF LUCRETIA/ALEXIUS MARRIAGE
-
- ================================
- 1001 COW TIPS FOR ALL OCCASIONS
- ================================
- Part One
- 1. When tipping cows, never tip more than 15%. After 15%,
- gravity takes over and anything else is a waste of effort.
- 2. Never, ever tip the biggest and only "cow" in the field.
- 3. Beware of tipping cows. If they knew anything about the
- stock market, they would be riding in limos right now.
- 4. Tipping cows is much more enjoyable when both tipper and
- tippee are drunk.
- 5. When the service calls for it, please, by all means, tip
- the cow. But remember the 15% rule.
- 6. When tipping cows, never stand downhill.
- 7. When tipping cows in vacuum, forget the 15% rule. But also
- remember to tip with a smile and a good handhold.
- 8. When cow tipping, always tip with care and dignity. Cows do
- this as a career and are not your playthings.
- 9. Remember, cow tipping is a job, not an adventure. Treat it
- as such.
- --Rubberus Checkus
- All cow tips are guaranteed tested in the field
-
- ==============
- MIRROR, MIRROR
- ==============
- Part 2
-
- <FADE IN FROM COMMERCIAL>
- <We find Picard, Troi, Data and Worf in the briefing room.>
- Voice over:<Picard> Captain's supplementary log, stardate
- undetermined. After returning to the Enterprise we have found
- that things have changed here almost as much as on the Borg
- command vessel. On that vessel we encountered a strange being
- who called himself "Godfatherus Tripleletterus of Borg." Our
- normal Borg friends were present, but seemed dazed and strangely
- different. Data has speculated that some sort of mind control
- device has been used on them. To me, it seems as if much more
- than that is wrong. Too many other things seem different,
- including the first name, rank, and position of the man who in
- our memory is Lt. Commander Potsie T. Riker, Sanitation Engineer.
- Here he appears to be Commander William T. Riker, First officer.
- I have assigned Commander Data to search the ship's library
- computer for some clue as to where and when we are.
- Data: Captain, I have found 3,426,289 occurrences of
- differences between this computer's record of history, and the
- historical data relevant to our own place of origin.
- Picard: Commander, I find it interesting that you refer to
- where we were before the attempted beam-up as "our own place of
- origin." By that are you implying that we have wound up somewhere
- else?
- Worf:<muttering subversively to no one in particular> Pretty
- damn obvious, I'd think....
- Picard:<ignoring Worf's small lapse> Well, Data? Where in the
- bloody universe are we?
- Data: Not in our "bloody" universe, captain...
- Troi:<Interrupting> Of course! We're in some sort of "parallel
- universe", aren't we Data? Like that occurrence which happened to
- the crew of the Constitution class Enterprise?
- Data: Yes Counselor, that also was my evaluation. In fact,
- many of the differences relevant to the counterparts of the
- individuals in this room are quite interesting. Your counterpart,
- Counselor, for example, had a temptuous sexual affair with this
- universe's Riker.
- Troi: ARE YOU KIDDING??? THAT'S DISGUSTING!!! POTSIE T.
- RIKER???? AND ME?
- Data: Yes. In addition, my counterpart had what you humans
- would refer to as a "One night stand" with Tasha Yar.
- Worf: You lucky dog!!!! WAY TO GO!!!!
- Data: May I remind you that this was my counterpart and not
- myself.
- Worf: Still...... What about my counterpart?
- Data: Well, your counterpart is only security officer here.
- Also he appears to have a son.
- Worf: A SON?
- Picard: Alright, we can sort these details out later. Now we
- have to come up with a plan of action.
- <FADE OUT TO COMMERCIAL>
- <FADE IN FROM COMMERCIAL>
- <Picard is sitting in the command chair on the bridge of the
- "Alternate" Enterprise. We can see the look of discomfort on his
- face, apparently his version of the chair is much more
- comfortable. Troi and Riker are sitting on each side of him.>
- Troi:<in to captain's ear so Riker cannot hear> Why does Riker
- keep leering at me?
- <Picard gives her a glance which seems to say "Cool it, we
- can't talk about this now.">
- Riker: So Captain, I was worried when you proposed your little
- expedition over to the Borg ship, but it seems we got you out
- okay. The strangest thing though, we had to make two beaming
- attempts to bring you back. How did you perceive the first beam
- attempt?
- Picard: Oh... Umm, Number..ah, umm. One, we just faded for a
- second and reappeared back on the Borg ship.
- Riker: Captain, are you feeling alright? Ever since you got
- back you've been acting like you have trouble remembering my name
- or something. In fact, I heard you mistakenly call Mr. Worf
- "Number One."
- Picard: Sorry Pots...ah, um, Will. Our trip was extremely
- tiring. In fact I think I'm going to retire to my ready room and
- go through my comic book collection.
- Riker: Captain, I didn't know you had a..<By this time Riker
- is talking to a closed door. Picard has left the room.>
- Riker:<To Troi, leaning in and sliding into the Captain's
- chair> So, Deanna, it's been a long time since we...talked...
- after we get off-duty, how about we go away for a little "private
- conversation?" <obviously feeling unusually amorous, Riker leans
- even closer to Troi. Troi, unable to hide her revulsion, and
- haunted by the bad memories of "Potsie T. Riker" moves away in
- one quick motion and slaps Riker viciously. Realizing she has
- acted unusually in this universe, she quickly leaves the bridge.>
- Riker: Boy, what the heck has gotten into her? <Thoughtfully>
- Or hasn't?
- DAAAA DUMMMMMMMM DUMMMMMMMMMM! <FADE OUT TO COMMERCIAL>
- <Fade in from commercial>
- <We see Picard sitting in the chair behind his alternate
- universe counterpart's desk. He is talking to Data on a private
- communicator frequency.>
- Picard: So Data, have you gathered any information on the
- differences between these dreadful Borg and our own fun-loving
- variant?
- Data's voice: Yes Captain. Central in these differences is the
- approach the Borg take to assimilation. Here it seems to be a
- totally involuntary form of brain-washing. As you recall, in our
- reality the Borg assimilation is more of a symbolic statement of
- unity. In our universe the Borg candidate voluntarily submits to
- implants and the ideologies of the Collective. Here, a single mad
- dictator, this "Godfatherus Tripleletterus" we met, has subverted
- and changed the Borg into an evil and universally hostile
- military race.
- Picard:<interrupting, in shock> WHAT? NO PARTYING? NO PIZZA?
- NO FREE COLA DRINKS TO ALL GUESTS?
- Data's voice: Here, Captain, the Borg have no guests, and
- Pizza is the last thing on their collective mind.
- Picard: Our counterparts existence here is harder than we had
- dared thought. And what of this universe's Federation?
- Data's voice: Well Captain, as you recall, the computer
- earlier referred to this vessel as the "U.S.S." Enterprise.
- Picard:<interrupting> Yes, get on with it Data!
- Data's voice: The initials "U.S.S." stand for "United Star
- Ship."
- Picard: Yes, quite different from our own "U.P.S. -- United
- Pizza Ship." And what of this ship's mission?
- Data's voice: Primarily this is an exploration vessel. However
- it quite often serves a military purpose.
- Picard: MILITARY!! No wonder we are wearing these stupid
- uniforms! What I wouldn't give for my Ren and Stimpy T-Shirts!
- Apparently this vessel serves a much different purpose than our
- own.
- Data's voice: Yes, however the market for our version of the
- Federation's Pizza Delivery Service does not exist in this
- continuum. With the Borg hostile to the Federation, there is
- little chance of any Federation vehicle pulling up to a Borg Cube
- and hailing their frequencies saying "Okay, we made it here in
- under 30 minutes!! Your pies are still hot!"
- DUMMMMMMMM DAAAAAAAA DUMMMMMMM!!!!
- <Fade out to commercial>
- <Fade in from commercial>
- <We see Troi in her "parallel universe" counterpart's
- quarters. She is visibly upset, obviously from the alternate
- Riker's forwardness. Sitting on the bed, recovering from the
- traumatic episode, we see her look around as if noticing the
- contents of the quarters for the first time. Sadly, she shakes
- her head, and mutters something like "Bad taste!" under her
- breath. Walking over to the food synthesizer she orders a
- chocolate sundae. At least one thing is the same between
- universes. Just as she is about to pig out on her sundae, she
- hears the beep of the door chime.>
- Troi: <putting down her spoon> Come in, please.
- Worf:<entering the room> I did not mean to disturb you,
- Counselor. May we converse now or shall I return later?
- Troi: No, let's talk now. What's on your mind?
- Worf: It has occurred to me that if we are here, and yet our
- counterparts are not. I have been concerned as to their
- whereabouts.
- Troi: That's been bothering me too. I suppose that if we're
- here, they must be in our universe.
- Worf: Yes, I wonder if they are having the kinds of
- difficulties we are.
- <Cutaway shot to the bridge of a very different looking
- Enterprise. The alternate Picard, stern as always, looks on
- disapprovingly as two Ensigns, sitting at the two forward
- consoles, concentrate intently on the main viewer. On the screen
- is a large light-ball being bounced between two paddle-like
- objects on opposing sides of the screen. As the ball hits the
- paddles, it gives off a cheesy "DOING" sound which reverberates
- throughout the bridge. Suddenly Riker, beardless, bounds out of
- the turbolift and stands above the Captain with what might be
- colloquially called a "Sh*t-eating" grin.>
- Potsie Riker:<To Picard> Hey, aren't you going to join us on
- the holodeck? It's a great party! Mr. Worf has climbed up on the
- tables and is doing what he calls "The Klingon Hustle." Mr. Data
- is telling jokes, and for a change he's actually funny! And the
- Counselor....Whooooooa! She's been coming on to me all night!!!!
- Alt. Picard:That is NOT proper behavior, Number One.
- Potsie Riker: <Looking around behind him> Did Commander Worf
- walk on the bridge? No? By the way Captain, I was sure surprised
- when you called me for a second-beam back attempt after the last
- Borg party. I mean I set the thing pretty well the first time. I
- just went for some coffee, and when I came back, you were calling
- me urgently for a second attempt as if you were afraid of being
- on the Borg ship. Whatever is there to be afraid of over there?
- Alt. Picard: Ah... Umm. Nothing, I guess. <adding under his
- breath so Riker can't hear him> At least here.....
- Potsie Riker: What did you say Captain?
- Alt. Picard: By the way, ahh, umm. <pauses, as if trying to
- remember an unfamiliar name> Potsie, why was the phased polarity
- inverter in the primary transporter console REVERSED?
- Potsie Riker:Weelllllll, I don't know but it's a darn good
- thing we used the backup console to get you back here the second
- time.
- <Fade to Commercial>
-
- (to be continued)
-
- ========================
- POLITICAL AD FOR SWANNOX
- ========================
- He was the First Cahuna For 48 Hours Supreme Borg. Novellus
- Sabotaged the 1992 Democratic & Republican Conventions for Him!
- The Supreme Borg also granted him "a piece of the action" by
- making him Supreme Cahunus Grandioseus." He graduated from the
- Borg School of Law. He was the Spotlight Borg in the Boffo 6th
- Month Issue of RIF [RIF #4]. He is the Owner of the Hip Blues
- Club! It's clear who you should vote for. On November 3, Vote for
- Swannox of Borg!
- ---PAID FOR BY THE BORG POLITICAL PARTY (BPP)
-
- ========================================================
- "BE A BIG CAHUNA FOR 48 HOURS" CONTEST AT LAST CONCLUDED
- ========================================================
- HA! Everyone thought it would never end. But it did! On
- October 1st! THAT'S IT! THE SUMMER BORGIVERSARY '92 IS OVER.
- You may go home now. The Big Cahuna Temps chosen over the Summer
- Borgiversary were: Swannox JSWP12A (July 2-3), Chaotus DVNH74A
- (July 8-9), Qube WRWT50D (now Wingus) (July 15-16), Las Larius
- (July 22-23), Kittius XJRB61B (August 5-6), Lindaswedacious
- RFCX68B (August 12-13), Rialtus VCBD90A (August 19-20), Volk-
- sarius HRWP99B (August 26-27), Armadillius (Sep 02-03),
- Lindaswedacious (Sep 09-10), Fraclicutus (Sep 16-17),
- Lindaswedacious (Sep 23-24 Clueless), and Lindaswedacious (Sep
- 30-01).
- Oxnardus would like to humbly thank all the participants for
- their support and cahunaness.
-
- ========================
- MEMOIRS OF THE COLA WARS
- ========================
- The following are the memoirs of unit Chatsworthus, concerning
- the brutal, bloody, and just plain NASTY, Cola Wars of '92. They
- began, by this unit's recollection, when certain units proclaimed
- that their cola was the ONLY cola fit to be consumed. As this
- quickly led to irrational and irresponsible attacks upon other
- units, with serious questions raised as to the legitimacy of
- their creation, the occupation of their "mother" units, and even
- their fitness to participate in activities Borgish, we quickly
- realized that the collective could be in REAL trouble, if this
- problem were not nipped in the bud....Hence, unit Chatsworthus,
- himself possibly bearing some very slight guilt in this area,
- unilaterally decreed on Stardate 920726.0742, that..... well,
- read for yourself, units, and decide if we've done the correct
- thing. We believe that we have. It begins with a reply to a
- (then) new Q named L. Berna, who pointed out that we were
- spending far too much time and effort in the terrible wars.......
-
- TO: PSGX43A SUBJECT: BORG COLA WARS DATE: 07/26/1992
-
- You guys know something? Chatsworthus finds himself in
- AGREEMENT with the L. Berna Q unit! Scary isn't it? We are
- spending far too much of our partying time on which cola is
- better, and too little time actually partying!! Chatsworthus,
- Associate Justice BSC, hands down this decree for now and
- hopefully forever. This is a truly stupendous moment, and will go
- down in the Borg Archives of Montanus, forever....
-
- From this stardate onward, 920726.0742, be it known by all
- present, their descendants, heirs, assigns, legatees, devisees,
- etc etc etc, forthwith and heretofore and all that other legal
- gobbledegook, that ALL Borg units have the absolute right to
- consume ANY beverage of their choice!!!!!! This right is only
- limited when it comes to alcoholic beverages, in which case, they
- must NOT be consumed by the designated pilot unit of their land-
- cruiser, within a minimum of twelve earth hours before piloting.
- Colas, Uncolas, Doctors, Mountains, Crushes and Crushers,
- Shastas, Mug, A&W, etc etc may be consumed in any quantity that a
- unit sees fit, and NO other unit, INCLUDING Chatsworthus, will
- make ANY discouraging words, and the sky, won't be cloudy, all
- day!!! Home, home on the..... oops.... song comes easily to
- Chats, heh heh....
- FURTHERMORE, let it be known that any and all variants of
- these beverages, i.e. High octane, diet, caffeine-free,
- caffeine-paid, salt-free, double caffeine, etc etc are among the
- protected types. The "etc" is carefully designed to cover any
- beverages that Chats may have forgotten to mention here. We hope
- that this will absolutely and forever end the bloody Cola Wars,
- without even the need for Wiggalus to arrange an internal treaty
- among the Borg!
- Signed, Sealed, Delivered, etc, etc, Chatsworthus of Borg,
- AJ,BSC
-
- The Chatsworthus unit wishes to take this opportunity to thank
- the L. Berna unit of the Q for waking us up to the fact that
- WHICH beverage is irrelevant! (Bearing in mind the codicil about
- alcoholic beverages, of course)
-
- Well, units, that about sums up that terrible part of our
- history. As Q2 says so wisely, those who are ignorant of history
- shall be doomed to repeat it. Over and over. And over.... Go
- forth, confident in the absolute knowledge that the collective is
- bigger and stronger now, possibly in some small way BECAUSE of
- this awful conflict. Drink your beverage of choice! Eat your junk
- food of choice! Know that the collective is big enough to
- tolerate differences between members, and that afterwards, we
- will all join implants and proclaim loudly, while singing at the
- top of our laryngeal implants......
-
- WE SHALL ASSIMI-LATE,
- WE SHALL ASSIMI-LATE,
- WE SHALL ASSIMI-LATE, SOME, DAY-AY-AY-AY-AAAAAAYYYYY!
- DEEP IN OUR CIRCULATORY IMPLANTS, WE DO BE-LIEVVVVVEEEEE,
- WE SHALL ASSIMILATE, SOME, DAAAAAAAAYYYYYYYYY!
-
- For the above lyrics, we acknowledge with deep respect, the work
- of Martin Luther Kingborg.....
-
- =======================================================
- ABSENTEE BALLOTS AVAILABLE FOR ELECTION ON NOVEMBER 3RD
- =======================================================
- If you will not be available to post on the Borg Club Exit Poll
- on November 3, 1992, please e-mail (HCMH17A) or send via US Mail
- to this journal before November 3, 1992, your absentee exit poll
- vote.
-
- ===========
- BORG CHEERS
- ===========
- 1) TWO, FOUR, SIX, EIGHT, WHO DO WE ASSIMILATE?
- ANYBODY, EVERYBODY, ALLLLLLLL!!!!
- 2) F-U-T, I-L-E
- RESISTANCE IS FUTILITY! YEAAAAAAAAA!!!!
- 3) THE ENTERPRISE is in DANGER
- WE're taking a BEATING
- COME ON FOLKS!
- L E T ' S HAVE A M E E T I N G !
- ---MONTANUS, Borg cheerleader, waving pompom arm attachments
-
- WE'RE BEAMING UP RIKER
- WE GOT OUR ORDERS!
- GEORDI! GEORDI!
- MORE POWER TO TRANSPORTERS!!
- ---Galahadus
-
- The BORG cube is AT-TACKING,
- The SHIP is on the RUN,
- PI-CARD says to his OFF-i-cers
- "Sug-GES-tions, ANY-ONE?"
- ---Coloraturus, flunked cheerleader tryouts in H.S.
-
- WHERE'S RIKER? LET'S ASK THE COMPUTER
- HE'S TOO BUSY WITH SOMEONE CUTER
- CAPTAIN, CAPTAIN
- WHAT'LL WE DO?
- JUST BEAM HIM OVER
- WHEN HE'S THROUGH!
- ---Tricius
-
- ==========================================
- THE NIGHT NOVELLUS CLOSED THE LIBRARY DOWN
- ==========================================
- SUPREME BORG EMERITUS IS MY NAME AND I WAS OUT OF THE CUBE
- AGAIN
- TIL SO MUCH SCOLDING CAME THAT I FELT LIKE I WAS FRAMED
- WELL I WAS JUST JOKIN', HAVIN' FUN
- WHEN A LIBRARIAN HAD ME ON THE RUN
- SHE GOT BENT AND TOLD THE REST
- THAT WHEN IT CAME TO LOVE I HAD RUINED THE VERY BEST
-
- THE NIGHT I CLOSED THE LIBRARY DOWN
- AND ALL THE BORGS WERE READIN'
- THE NIGHT I CLOSED THAT LIBRARY DOWN
- AND ALL THE BORG WERE SINGIN'
- THEY WENT, NO, NO NO NO NO NO NO, NO NO NO, NO NO NO NO
-
- WELL I HAD TO GO AHEAD AND GIVE OUT AN APOLOGY
- JUST WHEN IT LOOKED LIKE EVERYONE WAS MAD AT ME
- BUT I WAS JUST JOKIN', HAVIN' FUN
- WHEN THAT LIBRARIAN SENT ME ON THE RUN
- NOW SHE AND ALEXIUS WILL WED
- AND NEVER AGAIN WILL I MENTION A ROOM OR BED
- TONIGHT I OPENED THAT LIBRARY AGAIN
- AND ALL THE BORGS ARE READIN'
- TONIGHT I OPENED THAT LIBRARY AGAIN
- AND ALL THE BORGS AREN'T SINGIN'
- THEY GO, SHHH, SHHH SHH SHH SHH SHH SHH SHH, SHH SHH SHH,
- SHH SHH SHH SHH SHHHHHHHHHHHH......
- ---Tricius
-
- =========================
- SHOCKING NEWS
- ATTENTION ALL BORG UNITS:
- =========================
- IT IS OUR DUTY TO INFORM YOU THAT UNIT Chatsworthus HAD BEEN
- IDENTIFIED AS AN EVIL PROFESSOR MORIARTY.
- HE ESCAPED THE AUTHORITIES AND HAS BEEN HIDING HERE, SAFE FROM
- THE RIGHTFUL PROSECUTION FOR A MULTITUDE OF WAR CRIMES, CRIMINAL
- MASTERMINDING, JAY WALKING AND BRIEFS FLUSHING. HIS INGENIOUSLY
- CAMOUFLAGED AND DISGUISED CONTROL CENTER WAS STRATEGICALLY
- SITUATED IN .........YOU GUESSED IT.....THE FORMER LIBRARY
- BUILDING!!!!!
- THE STING OPERATION, WHICH INVOLVED CLOSING OF THE LIBRARY,
- ENABLED THE INVESTIGATORS TO UNCOVER A VAST ARSENAL OF WEAPONS,
- AS WELL AS VARIOUS INCRIMINATING DOCUMENTS, ACCORDING TO WHICH
- Chatsworthus AKA Schmaltz (Moriarty's real name) HAS ALREADY SOLD
- THE BORGDOM TO FERENGI, AND PROVIDED COORDINATES TO VITAL
- FACILITIES.
- TO MAKE THIS REPORT EVEN MORE INTERESTING, WE SUBMIT TO YOU
- THAT THE LEFT WING OF THE LIBRARY WAS USED ENTIRELY FOR THE HIGH
- CLASS BORGDELLO, WITH MADAM T'Caer PRESIDING OVER A CONSIDERABLE
- NUMBER OF WORKING GIRLS.
- IN CONCLUSION OF THIS VERY BRIEF ANNOUNCEMENT, LET IT BE KNOWN
- THAT AMONG THE MOST FREQUENT PATRONS OF THE SAID ESTABLISHMENT
- WERE SUCH PROMINENT FIGURES AS:
- 1. Swannox of Borg
- 2. Clueless of Borg
- 3. Olympius of Borg
- just to name a few.
- NEEDLESS TO SAY, THE CRIMINAL MIND OF THE EON, PROFESSOR
- HIMSELF WAS REALLY SEEING OUTSIDE OF IT. HE WAS ** NOT ** READING
- BOOKS, MIND YOU.
- ---Semenovich of Borg, future Borg president
-
- =================
- ALIEN PERSPECTIVE
- =================
- The Wedding of the Rihannsu Praetor and T'Caer
- ----------------------------------------------
- It is low-sun time upon ch'Rihan and amidst the ruckus and
- roar of the numerous bonfires and celebrations of the
- Eitreih'hveinn, two lone figures rise up. As the first steps onto
- the raised platform of the Fvillhaih Palace, the laughter and
- conversation is sliced cold, like a beheading wound. The
- silhouette is a man, large and confident, donned with the sharp
- uniform of one whom battle is no stranger... His cloak sways ever
- so slightly with the light breeze, and the crowd seems to stare
- upon the multitudes of medals and commendations emblazoned on the
- large Fleet uniform. But not the uniform of a military man, or
- any man for that matter. That man is the Praetor, the only
- emperor the Rihannsu have had rule since history long lost, and
- he waits.. He waits to be wed, and bonded forever with the one
- known to all as T'Caer, the "shining star". In a moment of
- brilliance, the populace shifts to allow passage by the ranks of
- troops that hold allegiance to the might of Eisn-Galae, or
- "Homesun Fleet", the strongest mass of Rihannsu forces in the
- embittered history of the glorious Rihannsu. These legions carry
- with them a gift to the worlds of ch'Rihan and ch'Havran, a
- blessing from the elements, and raise to all the vision of a new
- era. An era where a Rihanha may live and love and lead with the
- Rihannsu ancestry of that on Vulcan.
- The ranks stop, and then secure in choreography, they open
- apart to reveal a shining figure amongst the darkness. Walking
- through the shadows of men who've sworn their lives, and the
- roaring peoples they have fought for, Ael T'Caerwynn rises to the
- platform and is taken gracefully by hand into the arms of the
- Praetor Rav'Ransackum Ta'iilam. There both stood for what seemed
- like an eternity, free from the rantings of the other "empires",
- and within the company of friends they shared a kiss...
- It took a full twenty siuren of shared laughter and pleas to
- calm the crowd down to a reasonable level. One where the Praetor
- and his one to be would say their words of joining. Then, and
- only then, as it has been done throughout time, will it be done,
- and the true merriment begin.
- "My loyal Rihanha, and all those that have come as honored
- guests..." It rang out across the swarming crowds of hundreds of
- thousands as a roar of power, yet spoken with the calm voice of a
- smitten man.
- "As you know, I have come to know the one T'Caerwynn with a
- passion unrivaled in the pages of our ancestry, those of Vulcan,
- AND Rihannsu alike. She came to me at first asking for the
- reluctant help of what was then known as the enemy."
- "..Us.." He left that word held, eyeing the crowd... "But
- this can be said no longer, as we have come to know each other
- very well indeed, and as I stand, I trust her with every ounce of
- life in my body and spirit, and she has proven that to be a good
- measure indeed, as she has spent herself on many occasions
- keeping my life safe, as I have hers.. And now I come to you. To
- accept this shining star into our midst. Not as the consort of
- the Praetor, but as the bright and burning hope that all Rihannsu
- aspire for. With this bonding we may yet end the damage wrought
- by the swing of S'Harien, the blade that cut Vulcan in two. Only
- now, do both our races respect each other for the success of
- varying cultures. And as I stand as your leader, I shall not
- stand alone, for she shall be at my side, equaled, and sharing
- the responsibility of rising the Rihannsu thought the new age.
- With this, I say, let the S'Hariens cross!! And two loves be
- joined!!!...."
- ---Praetor Rav'Ransackum Ta'iilam
-
- A voice from the crowd accused "Assassin".
- T'Caerwynn stepped forward, and in her hands she held a
- naked sword. She looked out, her face as unmoving as her Vulcan
- heritage could provide. Her eyes narrowed slightly and she
- addressed the crowd....
- "An assassin indeed, and a dangerous one at that...to any who
- would threaten the new peace and stability that is offered to the
- Rihanna in this bonding. For I shall always stand by My Lord.
- Even as the Sword I wield is S'Harien, so I shall be to him, ever
- his S'Harien, ready to cut out all that is evil in this
- Empire....as Excalibur of old, I shall bring peace and prosperity
- to the dream that shall be reality. Only by forging forward shall
- we heal the wounds of the past and become whole and strong once
- more."
- She placed her sword upon the floor in front of her and
- turned once more to the Praetor...and knelt before him....
- "My Lord, My Beloved, if you will have me, I am yours." Her
- words carried to the far corners of the market...and all awaited
- breathlessly for the Praetor's reply...
- --T'Caer
-
- ============
- ASK NOVELLUS
- ============
- FELLOW UNITS OF THE COLLECTIVE:
- OVER THE LAST SEVERAL DAYS IT HAS COME TO MY PERSONAL ATTENTION
- THAT THE MAJORITY OF THE UNITS IN THE COLLECTIVE ARE NEWLY
- ASSIMILATED AND ARE UNAWARE OF THIS UNIT'S PURPOSE AND ORIGIN.
- ULTIMATELY, THIS UNIT'S PRIMARY FUNCTION IS TO SERVE THE
- COLLECTIVE AT A HIGH ADVISORY LEVEL, TO COME TO THE COLLECTIVE'S
- DEFENSE AND TO BE THE REPOSITORY OF ULTIMATE KNOWLEDGE. THIS UNIT
- HAS CREATED THIS SUBJECT TO INTERACT WITH THE COLLECTIVE ON A
- PERSONAL LEVEL, AND TO ANSWER ALL QUESTIONS PROPOSED TO IT.
- BEFORE THIS UNIT CAN INTERACT WITH THE COLLECTIVE IT MUST
- CLARIFY SEVERAL THINGS: MY ORIGIN, THE ACCUSATIONS OF CALLOUS AND
- RUDE BEHAVIOR, AND MY SUPPORT OF THE SEMENOVICH CANDIDATE.
- 1) THIS UNIT IS THE FOUNDER OF THE BORG COLLECTIVE ON THE
- PRODIGY SYSTEM. MANY ASPECTS OF THE CULTURE IN WHICH YOU INTERACT
- INEVITABLY FALL TO THIS UNIT AND SUPREME BORG OXNARDUS. AS WE
- HAVE ASSIMILATED MANY UNITS OVER THE LAST TWO MONTHS, MANY ARE
- UNAWARE OF THE POWER HIERARCHY WHICH EXISTS AND ARE UNFAMILIAR
- WITH BORG PROTOCOL. THE RULES OF PROTOCOL, WHICH WERE PUBLISHED
- IN RIF #1, WILL BE RE-POSTED IN ORDER TO ENLIGHTEN THE NEWLY
- ASSIMILATED UNITS.
- 2) THIS UNIT HAS BEEN ACCUSED OF CALLOUS, RUDE, AND UNKIND
- BEHAVIOR. AS TO BE EXPECTED OF ANY UNIT IN THE PUBLIC EYE, IT IS
- ALWAYS UNDER CONSTANT SCRUTINY AND HAS TO MEET VERY HIGH
- EXPECTATIONS IN ORDER TO REMAIN POPULAR. WHEN THIS UNIT MAKES A
- GAFFE, IT IS USUALLY VERY QUICK TO ACKNOWLEDGE IT'S MISTAKE. THIS
- UNIT HAS WITHOUT HESITATION TAKEN ACCOUNTABILITY FOR THE POSTINGS
- MADE UNDER ITS USER-ID, BUT IS NOT RESPONSIBLE FOR ACTUALLY
- POSTING THE OFFENSIVE MATERIAL IN QUESTION. THE PERSON
- RESPONSIBLE, WHO IN REAL LIFE IS THE EMERITUS'S FIANCEE, HAS BEEN
- REPRIMANDED AND PUNISHED TO THE HIGHEST DEGREE AND WILL NOT HAVE
- ACCESS TO HIS ACCOUNT EVER AGAIN. THIS UNIT HOPES THAT ITS CAREER
- OF SERVICE, DEFENSE, AND SUPPORT OF THE COLLECTIVE WILL SPEAK FOR
- ITSELF AND ALL FURTHER ACCUSATIONS WILL BE PUT TO REST.
- 3) THIS UNIT HAS DECIDED TO SUPPORT THE SEMENOVICH
- PRESIDENTIAL CANDIDATE BECAUSE IT FEELS THAT HE POSSESSES BORG
- TRADITIONAL VALUES AND THE ESSENTIAL RIGHT-WING CONSERVATIVE
- QUALITIES FOR PROPER ASSIMILATION OF THE UNITED STATES. MAY IT
- BE KNOWN THAT THIS UNIT HATES POLITICS OF ALL SORTS, BUT IF IT
- HAS TO MAKE A CHOICE IT HAS TO BE THE ONE WHO WILL STAND BY THE
- COLLECTIVE AND REMAIN LOYAL TO THE COMMAND HIERARCHY. IN ADDITION
- THIS UNIT FEELS THAT HE MUST SUPPORT THE UNDERDOG, REGARDLESS OF
- HIS RESPECTIVE POPULARITY TO THE SWANNOX CANDIDATE. THIS POSITION
- INEVITABLY WILL CHANGE, AS NOW THE RIALTUS UNIT, THE SULTAN OF
- "YUB YUB" HAS JOINED FORCES WITH HIM. THIS UNIT HAS NO ANIMUS
- WITH THE SWANNOX UNIT, AND HAS BEEN ENTERTAINED BY MANY OF HIS
- POSTINGS. IT SHOULD ALSO BE MAINTAINED THAT THERE ALWAYS HAS TO
- BE A SECOND CANDIDATE, FOR DEMOCRATIC ELECTIONS CAN ONLY BE HELD
- WITH MORE THAN ONE CANDIDATE ON THE BALLOT.
- THE EMERITUS HAS SPOKEN. HE AWAITS YOUR DIALOGUE.
- ---NOVELLUS, SUPREME BORG EMERITUS
- MENTOR OF THE COLLECTIVE AND ALL-POWERFUL
-
-
-
-
-
-
- DISKS:[SWANN1.DL]RIF6.2;2
-
-
-
- ===================
- NAKED CAME THE BORG
- ===================
- We have witnessed a borg birth. Our own LamBORGini is part
- BORG and part Ferengi. After consulting the BORG Board, an
- astrologer, and many other sources we decided to call him/her/it
- LamBORGini.
- While not pure BORG, I'm told the birth was typical. There
- was nothing externally mounted which would make the birth hurt
- the mother any more than a TERRAN child would during birth. Just
- so long as it is born hood first. If it is breech or is born
- tailpipe first, there would be problems. The independent rear
- suspension is the major culprit. It tends to turn the rear wheels
- sideways during birth. BORG ob/gyn doctor also has to make sure
- radio is turned off during birth so that antenna does become
- fully extended. In fact, turning on radio during pregnancy has
- been known to cause misCARriage. On the other hand, having
- electric windows open during pregnancy helps give them a "new car
- smell" especially if mother has a steady diet of beans and soda.
- Children are slapped sharply on their impact-bumpers at birth
- primarily to activate air pollution control devices. Batteries
- come only partially charged at birth as there is no umbilical
- cord attached to the mother and they need to feed using the
- battery. BORG do come with genetic defects at birth and are
- often referred to as lemons. These defects are corrected at the
- factory nursery by what is know as a recall. Some units
- experience either spontaneous recall or total recall during
- pregnancy. Terrans call this abortion.
- ---Borgus Barney
-
- ============
- ASK OXNARDUS
- ============
- Oxnardus,
- I am confused. Locutus hasn't called me since that cube blew up
- in the terran system. Should I get a new borgfriend, or keep my
- faith? He was a real cutie.
- ---Hartius of Borg, feeling blue
-
- Hartius,
- Hate to break it to you, but Locutus left a lot of borgettes
- thinking he was a cutie. I'm afraid he's worse than blasto, he's
- re-joined the Federation and has become a rather stodgy, dull,
- paper pusher. We have heard that he's so dull that he makes 20
- minutes seem like 40 years! Forget him and check out the new and
- improved Borg. We are assimilating new life and new civilizations
- at a magnificent rate.
- ---Oxy
-
- Oxnardus,
- This unit has never addressed you directly, and this unit does
- not spend a lot of time in the Cube, as he is passing himself off
- as an insect to assimilate Dobosh Tortes. This unit wishes to
- know if Oxnardus is the holder of the Big Book of Borg still,
- as this unit still needs to register. This unit also desires to
- know how many pepperoni pizzas one can consume before terminal
- cholesterol overload sets in. This unit has consumed many such
- pizzas, and is starting to have worry circuits kick in..........
- ---Jolan Trumus, BUGBORG
-
- BugBorg,
- You are in the Big Book of Borg as a non-registered Borg with
- the appellation of "Anacapus". You must e-mail me your address
- to receive RIF #3 -- and do it fast because the mailing is
- imminent.
- As to your maximum pizza intake question, have no fear, your
- implants produce a biogenetic endorphin which enables Borg to
- consume the four main food groups (fast, junk, frozen, and
- instant) at a constant rate and never have to worry about heart,
- liver, stomach or teeth problems. That is perhaps the best
- reason to assimilate. Only the Borgs have this technology and it
- is a guarded trade secret protected by all the known legal
- systems in this galaxy. We have a patent pending in Andromeda
- (just so whoever is reading this doesn't get any ideas about
- marketing it in Andromeda). It is doubtful the Federation will
- have this technology within three centuries.
- ---Oxy
-
- Oxnardus,
- What is the best way to cope with a spouse who doesn't understand
- the Borg Boards? Would the solution be considered justifiable
- homicide in most courts?
- ---Rubberus Checkus - found you by accident
-
- R.B.,
- Believe it or not, the "Spouse" problem is quite prevalent for
- Borg club members. Most humor the spouse and act like they are
- cutting down their time on the boards, but actually are just on
- the boards when the spouse is at work, in bed, grocery shopping,
- on an errand, etc. We tried to solve the problem ourselves by
- resigning the cahunahood and becoming a private Borg. However,
- the spousal unit, after viewing specific postings, decided to
- support our return to Cahunahood in fears that some Borg Club
- members would assimilate him if he did not do so. This Borg
- Club/Star Trek Board can be quite the time consumer and
- intoxicant, no?
- We knew of one unit who was so "attached" to his computer,
- that the spousal unit gave him an ultimatum: either the computer
- goes or she goes. Luckily, he did get rid of the computer (it
- may be old fashion, but we still like it when actual
- relationships win out over solitary ones).
- ---Oxy
-
- ==============
- ADVERTISEMENTS
- ==============
- "STUCK IN YOUR CUBE? CAN'T GET THAT LITTLE ESCAPE HATCH TO
- OPEN? WELL, YOU OBVIOUSLY DON'T HAVE THE NEW BORG EXTRACTOR!
- YES, THIS HANDY DEVICE CAN GET ANY BORG OUT OF ANY TIGHT SPACE OR
- SITUATION. ORDER TODAY AND RECEIVE THE ACCOMPANYING BORG SALVE
- FOR THOSE NASTY CUTS SUFFERED WHILE TRYING TO OPEN THE SHRINK
- WRAPPED PACKAGE THE EXTRACTOR COMES IN."
- "I USE THE BORG EXTRACTOR ALL THE TIME," SAYS SWANNOX WHO GETS
- INTO MORE TIGHT SITUATIONS THAT HE'D CARE TO MENTION.
- QUANTITIES ARE LIMITED SO HURRY!
- ---Marianus of RONCO
-
- ATTN ALL UNEMPLOYED BORG!
- The Spam Shoppe is now looking to hire some fine, upstanding
- citizens who are looking to make a fast buck! If YOU are
- interested, reply here!
- ==='Honest' |_as |_arius
- Spam Shoppe owner
- FINE PRINT!
- Job applicants will be paid minimum wage, no 'fringe
- benefits'. Job applicants will also be regarded as major suckers
- throughout the collective, and will probably be stuck working for
- me for the rest of their natural lives.
- ---Las Larius
-
- "FOOT REMOVAL"
- A new service is now being offered by CRK Enterprises. For a
- price that is so low, we are ashamed to print it, we will
- surgically remove your foot from your mouth. But wait,there's
- more! If you feel you really need the taste of smelly socks in
- your mouth, we will install a taste implant right to the roof of
- your mouth. Now, How much would you pay for this exclusive
- service? 5995 pizzas? 4995 pizzas? A bargain at 3995 pizzas!
- But no! Due to the fact we have had no business, we will offer
- this service for only 495 pizzas! Order now! To order,
- have your Vista or MasterBorg ready and call 1-555-FOOT-OUT
- that's 1-555-FOOT-OUT one more time the number is 1-555-FOOT-OUT
- 1-555-FOOT-OUT.
- ---Rialtus
-
- "AMG FAN CLUB"
- Join the AMG International Fan Club!
- Welcome aboard! The Club Motto is: "Hope This Helps!".
- Membership kits are federal expressed and the dues are $50 a
- month. AMG needs the money, unemployment ran out you know (don't
- tell AMG, he's sensitive about that). Not much in the way of
- "Reader [no writing ability necessary] $4.50/hr" in the want ads
- these days). Send your check directly to him at:
- Antonio Mikliovich Giambattista
- 1
- Bumsville, Garbage State 000001
- Don't worry, the Post Office knows where he lives, he's there
- only one who lives there (besides his long-suffering mother), but
- slip a fiver to the Postman so he'll go out there (don't worry
- about including a clothespin, that's standard-issue for postmen
- on his route).
- I would also like to cordially invite you to our annual
- meeting on April 1st in Garden City, NJ where we celebrate his
- birthday! Don't worry, he won't attend! He never leaves his
- house, now that he has *P* and no friends. Hope to see you there!
- Again, please join!
- No Longer lonely---SEH [SCOTT HARRIGAN]
-
- =============================
- TRUE LIFE DOCTOR PEPPER TALES
- =============================
- WE WERE DRIVING AROUND DOING LAWYER TYPE STUFF AND WE DID NOT
- HAVE THE TIME EITHER TO EAT BREAKFAST OR LUNCH. IT WAS GETTING
- LATE AND WE WERE GETTING TESTY. THE ONLY ACCESSIBLE EATING
- ESTABLISHMENT WAS A TACO BELL. ALTHOUGH IT PAINED US TO BE IN
- CALIFORNIA AND FIND OURSELVES AT THE CLUTCHES OF A TACO BELL, WE
- NEVERTHELESS WERE HUNGRY ENOUGH TO DRIVE-THRU. WARNING, THE
- MEXI-MELT SHOULD BE AVOIDED AT ALL COSTS. REPEAT, AVOID THE
- MEXI-MELTS. HOWEVER, SOFT TACOS ARE PERFUNCTORY AND VERY
- INEXPENSIVE.
- [CUT TO TACO BELL EMPLOYEE] I COULD TELL THAT THIS WOMAN IN A
- SUIT WAS HUNGRY. SO WHEN SHE ORDERED TWO SOFT TACOS AND ASKED IF
- WE HAD ANYTHING RESEMBLING A QUESADILLA, I TOLD HER TO TRY OUR
- MARVELOUS MEXI-MELT. AFTER SHE SAID, "SURE, GO AHEAD, THROW IN A
- MEXI-MELT," WE THEN ASKED HER, "WOULD YOU LIKE A DRINK?"
- [RETURN TO US] IT SEEMS SILLY IN RETROSPECT, BUT WE WEREN'T
- THINKING OF A DRINK AT THAT TIME AND IT CAUGHT US OFF GUARD. WE
- QUICKLY LOOKED AT THE DRIVE-THRU MENU AND REVIEWED THE DRINKS.
- THERE IT WAS FOR ALL THE WORLD TO SEE. WE THOUGHT WE HAD DIED
- AND GONE TO HEAVEN.
- [RETURN TO TACO BELL EMPLOYEE] WHEN SHE ORDERED A LARGE DR.
- PEPPER NO ICE, I KNEW THAT THIS WAS A STRESSED OUT WOMAN. I
- CHEERFULLY REPEATED HER ORDER FOR VERIFICATION AND THE COST OF
- THE ITEMS. SHE DROVE AROUND AND WAS VERY POLITE WHEN SHE PAID
- AND PICKED UP THE ORDER. IT CAME TO $4.04. SHE EVEN HAD THE
- FOUR CENTS!
- [BACK TO US] LET US TELL YOU, WHEN WE STUCK THAT STRAW INTO
- THAT ICE-COLD NON-WATERED DOWN DR. PEPPER AND TOOK THAT LONG
- FIRST DRAW, WE WERE IN NIRVANA. NO WHERE IN OUR MEMORY BANKS CAN
- WE ACCESS A COLA MOMENT LIKE THAT. SUDDENLY ALL OUR CARES AND
- CONCERNS NO LONGER EXISTED, JUST US AND THE DOCTOR. EVEN THE
- MEXI-MELT DIDN'T SEEM THAT DISGUSTING. CALL IT FATE, CALL IT
- COINCIDENCE. WE PREFER TO CALL IT JUST ANOTHER REAL LIFE DR.
- PEPPER TALE.
- ---Oxnardus
-
- ========================================
- TOP TEN REASONS WHY THE BORG LIKE PIZZA
- ========================================
- 10. Grease enhances joint mobility
- 9. A slice of pepperoni, a beer, and motor oil...hmmmm, what a
- combo!
- 8. Domino's delivers to nearby solar systems for free
- 7. Leftover dried out crusts can be used as weapons of
- destruction.
- 6. Screaming, "Anchovies are irrelevant!" always gets big laugh
- at parties
- 5. One word: scrumpdiddleyishous!!!
- 4. Easy to scarf down a slice in one hand, fly cube and lay
- waste to entire planets with the other
- 3. The Big Cahuna pays thousands of units high wages just to
- pick off the olives
- 2. A topping alternative solves big problem over what to do with
- those pesky Ferengi
- 1. It's better than broccoli
- ---Clueless PSPH17A
-
- ==============
- BORG BILLIARDS
- ==============
- WE ARE HAPPY TO PERFORM ANOTHER PUBLIC SERVICE FOR THE BORG
- COLLECTIVE, AND, KEEPING WITH THE CURRENT TREND, WE ANNOUNCE
- O-------------O------------O
- | o BORG o o |
- G R A N D | o o | O P E N I N G
- | o BILLIARDS o q ==================
- O-------------O------------0
- ALL ARE INVITED. FIRST GAME IS ON THE HOUSE. FEATURING: 8 BALL,
- 9 BALL, STRAIGHT UP TO 1000,0000 POINTS, CARAMBOL, SNOOKER, 17
- BALL BORG, AND OTHER COMPETITIONS.
-
- POSITIONS AVAILABLE: [1] BARTENDER; [2] BACK-UP BARTENDER (3);
- [3] Q KEEPER; [4] BALLS SHINER (634); [5] CHALK DUSTER (possibly
- taken); [6] CHEF; [7] WAITER/TRESS (2); [8] CASHIER; [9] BOUNCER
- (2); [10] POOL SHARKS (2)
-
- OTHER OPENINGS MAY BE ANNOUNCED LATER.
-
- HOUSE RULES:
- 1. SWEAR FILTHY
- 2. GAMBLE COMPULSIVELY
- 3. DESTROY PROPERTY WHEN POSSIBLE
- 4. BATHROOM IS OUTSIDE
- 5. PRAY TO SUPREME MENTOR Novellus PRIOR TO EACH SHOT
-
- OTHER RULES WILL BE FORMULATED AS WE GO.
- 8 BALL IN THE LEFT CORNER.
- ---Semenovich
-
- ==================
- BORG LATIN LESSONS
- ==================
- "HE EST MORTO, JIMBO!" / "EO EST A MERRY HOMUNIS NICHT"
- "IN PEPSI VERITAS" / "EL PLURUBUM MULTUM"
- "VINI, VIDI, VICHI, PIZZA" / "E TU, BRUTUS? SI, E ME, POPEY"
- "RESISTENZIONE EST FUTILETATO, RAGAZZI" Semenovich of Borg
- ---Semenovich
-
- Semenovitch,
- Allow us to correct your Latin for you.
- Est Mortus, Iimus
- En Pepsius veritas
- Veni, vidi, vicci, pizzam
- Ne sum festivus hominum
- Multus Pluribus
- Et tu Brute? (can't figure out the rest of what you
- meant to say...)
- Resistere futile est.
- ---Lucretia Borgia
-
- =======================================
- TRANSCRIPT OF LUCRETIA/ALEXIUS MARRIAGE
- =======================================
- Ahem..... AHEM!!!!!!!! ATTENTION ALL UNITS!!!!!
- Oops.... This is a wedding, not a Court procedure.....
- Please be so kind as to place your posteriors in the carefully
- designed folding metal chairs, which you will notice are just a
- LITTLE too small for your rears, and rather hot from being out in
- the sun for 6-8 hours before the ceremony.
- Now that you are comfortable (?), we can begin. [Whoever
- dreamed up this "garden wedding" stuff.... This robe is also very
- hot, and our legs are chafing and.... Oh well, it comes with the
- territory, we guess] We hope you have enjoyed the little finger
- sandwiches, made only from the finest Ferengi fingers, and the
- pate' of Ferengi liver, as the Ferengi did NOT want to hold still
- during all of the preparation time.
- Now, if Big Borg and his Band of Renown will stop blaring out
- all of that Leadbelly stuff, which should be played SOFTLY and
- SLOWLY, NOT as if Wagner and Sousa were competing with each
- other..... Thank you.... [Sheeeshhh. Where'd she get THIS band
- anyway??] The Processional begins, to the gentle, dignified,
- strains of L'Shaina Tovah. [Bet they did not know that Lucretia
- wanted a Jewish wedding, huh???] When the Judge is Jewish, you
- get a Jewish wedding, folks. Just wait until Alexius steps on the
- glass!!!!] The photographer has managed to infuriate everyborg
- already with his maneuver to get a better position for pic-
- taking, the caterer forgot that hot weather and mayonnaise do not
- mix well, the band has just been... restrained.... the florist
- mixed up the orders, and we did NOT think that a wreath was
- acceptable for a wedding! Anyhow, we now see the beautiful Monsta
- tripping down the aisle, throwing flower petals at everyborg. We
- literally mean "tripping" and "throwing". Some borg are even
- throwing the petals back at her cranial region! Isn't she sweet
- in her black leather flower girl attire, with highly polished
- magnesium buttons? Just don't light any matches...
- Next come the Madeborgs of Dishonor; It seems that T'Caer
- might have had something to do with this, as we cannot picture
- Lucretia having friends like this bunch..... Their leathers are
- torn, and the mades [yes, we spelled it the way we wanted] are
- tattooed with such beautiful sentiments as "eat my expletive
- deleted posterior, and your expletive deleted female parental
- unit wears Gucci combat boots" Whoa, boy...At least, they DID
- holster their super squirt guns, which Chaotus was seen loading
- prior to the ceremony..... Okay, now that the Mades have passed
- by, and everyborg has come back up from hiding under their seats,
- we now see the Matron of Honor; at least THIS one, T'Caer did NOT
- get to.... She looks SO dignified in her black leather MINI.....
- Ladyborg and Gentleborg - She's CLUELESS!!!!!! Forgive our...
- excitement, but seeing Clueless in that mini is a little too much
- for this reporter unit.... We HAVE to sit for a moment, as our
- cranial and cardiac and respiratory and neural net are restored
- to working order............ [geez - look at the LEGS on that
- unit!!!!!!]
- Time passes while Chats and the reporter recover......Now,
- coming into the garden, we see the best man, Teaborg. Tea looks
- radiant in his Tails. [We think he's that radiant because he has
- a new office, as well as the fact that a 6'7" Borg weighing 230#
- of solid muscle can look anyway he wants, and we will STILL say
- he looks great] Teaborg comes down the aisle, giving out business
- cards.... They say "free spellink less sons aft her thee wed
- dink. Come [no, we would NOT spell it the other way] two thee off
- ice near thee air port inn LALA land too day. Tea Borg, Tacks
- mann".
- Teaborg has now reached the chupa (the canopy under which the
- wedding party, in particular Lucretia and Alexius) stand. He
- smiles, as the chupa provides a modicum of shade on this beastly
- hot day...We realize that the groom was supposed to have been
- here already, but we were NOT able to get to the rehearsals
- yesterday.... Now the groom is seen. He looks absolutely
- petrified, a common reaction among men who realize that they are
- about to make the mistake of a life...... we mean, ahem, of
- course.... He is wearing his Tails AND a Tux!!!! Alexius, you
- LOOK great, but you must be hot as H..... Wonder who HIS tailor
- is????? The boutoneire (never COULD spell that word) is pink, to
- match the BridesmaDEs' gowns, and very tasteful. As a matter of
- fact, it is SO tasteful that Alexius now EATS it from his
- lapel!!!!! Bad form, Alexius, but we realize that in the flutter
- of preparation over the bride, the groom and his appetite are
- often not the first priority.... It's OK, Alexius..... Alexius is
- being escorted by his parental units, Barney of LamBORGhini and
- Tricius of Betazed. [Escorted is not quite the correct word.....
- DRAGGED is a more accurate one] Alexius looks like he had a.....
- very enjoyable.... bachelor party last night. We, Chatsworthus,
- of course, did not attend as it is beneath our dignity. Also, we
- were NOT invited!!!!!!] Barney and Tricius look very well too,
- considering the effort it must have taken to get Alexius down the
- aisle!!! Now Alexius assumes the position.... we mean... takes
- his place before the table under the chupa, and turns around to
- face the rear of the garden. We hear the beautiful, haunting
- strains of L'Shaina Tovah (loosely translated as "The beautiful
- and good") being played at 140 DB..... WILL SOMEBORG TURN DOWN
- THE BAND!!!!!!!!! ..... being played tastefully and quietly at 40
- DB.... and we all turn around to see.......
- LUCRETIA!!!!!!!!!!
- Gasps of admiration from the assembled Borg, Vulcans,
- Klingons, Romulans, Q, Politicians, Hangers-on, Toadies, Bashers,
- Visiting Florists from Omicron Ceti III, and papparazi...Lucretia
- is absolutely RADIANT!!!!!!! She seems to shimmer in the
- sunlight... she glows.... OKAY!!!!!! LIGHTING CREW!!! TURN OFF
- THE D*MN 12K's!!!! IT'S HOT ENOUGH HERE!!!!!!!! Now Lucretia
- breathes a gentle sigh of relief, as the temperature comes back
- down to 112 F. Her gown is exquisite, as befits our lovely
- Librarian. We will leave the EXACT description to Sheltius, who
- is FAR better qualified to describe it than we are, but it is
- BEAUTIFUL!!!!!!!! With all of its beauty, however, it is nothing
- compared to the glow seen in Lucretia's eye implants!!!! We have
- NEVER seen her THIS happy in her life!!!!!!!! This unit is
- becoming overwhelmed with emotion...... we always shed tears at
- weddings, especially when we first gaze upon the bride... we have
- NEVER seen a bride this lovely....... Sheltius unit, please take
- over the description here, as we have to regain our Judicial
- composure...... Lucretia arrives under the chupa, and the
- electricity between Alexius and Lucretia is magnificent to
- behold. Even through the veil, we see how she is beaming!!!!
- ---Chats, temporarily speechless. Emphasis on temporarily...
-
- Lucretia's gown is a silken confection of pearls, diamonds and
- other precious jewels. In fact if Juliet could have had a gown
- and a proper wedding she would have chosen this very gown.
- The bodice is fitted but flares at the waist. the skirt of the
- dress with its many layers of silk taffeta glimmers with the
- embroidered hem of lace and jewels.
- MY! We hope Lucretia takes care of this rare and wonderful
- garment. We hope she will let us wear it one day to our nuptials.
- And we too have never seen our Librarian so beautiful! The
- flowers that wreath her auburn tresses and the veil that trails
- down her back are lovely indeed.
- ---Sheltius, wiping eyes
-
- Everything at the wedding looks spectacular! And Lucretia is
- radiant. Trixanna <aka;Tricius> can sense awe-struck wonder
- emitting from the crowd. Alexius looks so handsome and makes her
- proud of the day she asked him to come check out the party lovin'
- Borg. Yes, the day she shared the smart cookies. As the couple
- begin to exchange their vows, the music and the splendor of the
- evening bring a lonely tear to her eyes. She is overwhelmed by
- the beauty and the feeling of love that glows around the happy
- couple. "Ah, if only I would settle down long enough to search
- for love of my own," she thought. "but the path I've so far
- chosen is a lonely one." Gathering up her long dress, she blows
- an unseen kiss to Alexius, and quietly leaves the ceremony. In
- the shadows, a figure awaits her. She surrenders herself to him,
- her eyes gazing not at this horrid creature but at the safe
- ground. And as he roughly takes her arm, they beam away into the
- silence of space...
- ---Trixanna Toy aka Tricius
-
- Chatsworthus has recovered his composure, and we are now ready to
- continue.... Some units have turned off the electricity which was
- flowing between Alexius and Lucretia, so that they have now
- stopped quivering. Who WAS that masked unit, anyway? Chatsworthus
- speaks to the couple standing before him, and says....
- We are gathered here together, in the sight of these witnesses
- and whichever Supreme Being you choose to believe in or not, to
- marry unit Alexius and unit Lucretia in holy Borg trimony. These
- units approach this wonderful moment of their lives with the full
- intention that this will be a union that will last forever. They
- promise to forsake all others, and to live together in peace and
- harmony until rust do them part. This is a truly momentous
- occasion, as these two units........ WHAT'S ALL THAT
- RACKET???????? WHO IS THAT AT THE BACK OF THE GARDEN??????
- NOVELLUS!!!!!!! What is going on here??? Novellus stomps his way
- down to the chupa, saying "I [he alone can use the personal
- pronoun] AM THE DAD OF LUCRETIA!!!! BORGUS BARNEY, GO SIT
- DOWN!!!!! JUST BECAUSE I AM LATE TO MY OWN DAUGHTER'S WEDDING
- DOESN'T MEAN YOU CAN REPLACE ME!!!! DO YOU UNITS KNOW WHAT I WENT
- THROUGH TO GET OUT OF NYC DURING RUSH HOUR????? Novellus looks
- like H*ll, as we units who have managed to survive rush hour
- traffic can understand.... Barney sits, but looks very, very,
- hurt. Three female Borg units.... comfort him... and he starts to
- smile..... Novellus now takes HIS place alongside the couple and
- we continue... ahem.... yes.... forsake all others.. no, we said
- that... yes... these two units will become as one in the eye
- implants of all, now and forever. Alexius and Lucretia have
- written their own wedding vows. First, though, Alexius is asked:
- Do you, Alexius of Borg, take Lucretia of Borg, as your lawfully
- wedded spousal unit, to love her, honor her, worship her upon a
- pedestal, provide for her to the absolute best of your ability,
- until rust do you part? We eagerly await Alexius' answer.......
- ---Chats.
-
- We, Alexius of Borg and Borg Master of time, do hereby take
- Lucretia Borgia, Head Librarian as our lawfully wedded spousal
- unit. We pledge to her our undying love and devotion. For her, we
- forsake all others and devote our life to making her happy and
- protecting her from all harm, sadness and trouble. We would give
- our life (circuitry and all parts!) for her without hesitation.
- Darling, you are the love of our life. Before we met you, we were
- lost and alone in Borg Space. We bless the day we met and are
- forever grateful that you have chosen to become our most beloved
- spousal unit. We will never betray your trust in us and will ever
- strive to make you proud of us. We pledge all of our worldly
- goods (including all pizza, colas, and dove bars you can possibly
- eat) to your support and well being. We promise to love you above
- all others, to honor you in sickness and in health. WE LOVE YOU,
- DEAR LITTLE ONE AND ALWAYS WILL.
- Alexius gazes with rapture upon his beautiful Lucretia
- ---Alexius
-
- Alexius, we guess we will take these beautiful vows as meaning
- "Affirmative", and compliment you on the excellent grammar,
- punctuation, spelling, and just plain great sentiment
- expressed!!!! Beautiful job, Alexius unit - If you are half as
- good a Husborg as you are a writer, Lucretia is every bit as
- lucky as we thought!!!!
- We now turn to the lovely Lucretia, and ask her, "Do you,
- Lucretia of Borg, take the unit Alexius, to be your lawful wedded
- Husborg, to love and cherish, in sickness and in health, in good
- times and bad, until rust do you part???? [an aside - what ever
- happened to the word "obey" here?] Oh well, we have to move with
- the tides (or the tidal waves) of change.....
- We await eagerly, Lucretia's answer and vows.....
- ---Chats.
-
- Lucretia stares at her feet, her face flushed and her hands
- trembling for a moment. There is a disturbance at the back of
- the assembled crowd and then T'Caer, in the custody of her mate,
- Praetor Rav'Ransackum, and of Dons, the Jokemeister, steps into
- view. She is dressed in the original maid of honor dress, and she
- looks impassive as she steps up to the bridal canopy and none to
- gently nudges Clueless back with the other attendants. She leans
- forward and whispers something to Lucretia, whose smile becomes
- radiant again.
- Lucretia hands T'Caer her bouquet, takes a deep breath and
- reaches for Alexius' hands.
- "We, Lucretia Borgia, do take Alexius of Borg to be our
- spousal unit....we have grown to love this unit very much and we
- want all assembled here to know that we pledge our life, our soul
- and our body to this gentle, loving, caring unit, entrusting him
- with all that we have and all that we are, until we are parted by
- death. We honor this unit and respect him, he is our friend, our
- helper and our most beloved choice for mate. Before we met
- Alexius, we were a quiet unit, studious and meek, unsure of
- ourselves and all that we could be. Since we have met Alexius,
- we have found our courage and have learned to begin to stand up
- for what we believe in. On this day we marry our friend, the one
- we live with, laugh with and love. Through all time, in all
- places and in all ways, we shall remain faithful to this unit,
- strive always to place your needs equal to ours and to be there
- in times of need. We Love you Alexius.
- Suddenly shy again, the bride turns her head to Chatsworthus
- and awaits his continuation of the ceremony.
- ---Lucretia
-
- We are very happy that you accept the unit Alexius, and your
- self-written vows were truly lovely!! We guess that it's time for
- the next question, which we are required by Borg law to ask....
- Is there anyborg present who feels that there is any reason
- whatever that units Alexius and Lucretia should not be joined now
- and forever in holy Borgtrimony? If so, let him or her KEEP HIS
- OR HER LABIAL IMPLANTS CLOSED, NOW AND FOREVER!!!! We don't want
- any of that cr*p around here!!!! GOT IT???? Have we made
- ourselves quite clear????? Good.... Now, we proceed....The ring
- is a perfect circle, symbolizing many things; the perfection of a
- relationship, the circle of life, and the need to return to where
- you have come from, to realize just how far you have travelled in
- life. Alexius and Lucretia have chosen to have a double ring
- ceremony. First, we will ask Alexius to place the ring on
- Lucretia's finger and repeat - Lucretia, my beloved bride, we
- will love you for as long as we are able to draw breath. We will
- have no other units besides yourself. We will support you in the
- best possible manner that we are capable of providing. We ask
- that you accept this symbol of our undying (until rust, that is)
- love for you................................................
- ............................................................
- Lucretia places the ring upon her finger implant, and a tear of
- joy falls upon it, which the papparazi photographer manages to
- catch for posterity..............Chats now turns to Lucretia, and
- says...Lucretia, please repeat after us: Alexius, dear unit, we
- place this ring upon your digital implant and say that we will
- love you as long as we are able to draw breath. We will have no
- other units besides yourself. We will do our best to contribute
- to our mutual support and well-being. We ask that you accept this
- ring as a symbol of our undying (until rust, that is) love for
- you...... Lucretia places the ring upon the finger of Alexius
- unit, and the smile from Alexius absolutely lights up the entire
- room!!!!!! These are two HAPPY Borg!!!!!! Chatsworthus gives the
- happy couple a moment to gaze upon each other's splendor, and
- then speaks, for a change.....
- Unit Alexius, and Unit Lucretia, you have both stated your vows
- to each other and to this company, as witnesses thereof and
- heretofore and other legal gobbledegook type stuff. Ahem ... We
- will now taste the wine, which symbolizes, to some extent the
- bittersweet portions of marriage. The appropriate brucha
- (blessing) is said, and Alexius and Lucretia sip from the Kiddush
- Cup. SIP, NOT GUZZLE!!!! Geez, some Borg.... AHEM!!!! Okay, now
- comes perhaps the most symbolic portion of the entire
- ceremony.... Alexius will now step on the glass, which symbolizes
- the sacrilege and destruction of the Temple, so long ago. We must
- never forget this sacrilege, nor let it happen again.... Chats
- places the glass on the floor, and unit Alexius raises his size
- 34 pedal implant about 14 inches in the air. He lowers it
- rapidly, shattering the glass to smithereens. At this moment, the
- entire assemblage of Borg, Q, Vulcans, Romulans, Master and
- Beast, and all other units from all over the galaxy, jump to
- their own equivalent of feet, and shout for all to hear......
- MAZEL TOV!!!!!!!!!!!! (good luck)
- Wild applause breaks out, congratulations, etc etc blah blah
- ---Chats
-
- The ceremony concluded, Alexius and the lovely Lucretia turn to
- face the audience. Cameras flash from all over the hall.
- Chatsworthus has only one more duty to perform. He steps between
- Alexius and Lucretia and says to the assembled congregation:
- Ladyborgs and Gentleborgs and all other units; it is our distinct
- pleasure to present, for the first time, MR AND MRS ALEXIUS OF
- BORG!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
- The crowd applauds wildly, using hands, feet, other
- appendages, chairs, tables, confetti, one hand clapping, trees
- falling in the forest, etc etc. The happy couple is about to step
- down from the Chupah, but Chats gently and firmly reminds Alexius
- that the fee for performing the ceremony is now due and payable
- in full, in pizza from Geno's of Chicago and also from J & B's of
- Austin Street, Forest Hills, NY.
- Alexius, for some unknown reason, does not have the pizzas on
- his person.......Chatsworthus calls upon his collection agent,
- T'Caer... EOT!
- --Chatsworthus
-
- T'Caer leans over and whispers something to Alexius, who
- pales visibly and nods affirmatively. She then turns to Chats
- and whispers to him. Strangely he also pales visibly and nods
- his head. Both gentleman seem to have reached an understanding.
- ---T'Caer
-
- The guests stream into the tent area where the reception has
- been set up.
- The band plays and many take to the dance floor.
- Everywhere you look there are exotic flowers, lush tropical
- plants and tiny white lights strung from the ceiling. The tables
- are set with the finest crystal and china imported from the
- planet earth. Candles and flowers adorn the center of each table.
- Many guests laden with wedding gifts are directed to the gift
- table to deposit their treasures.
- Hors d'oeuvres and champagne are served by the waiters.
- Everyone awaits with mounting excitement for the bridal party to
- arrive.
- IS it them????????????????
- Everyone turns to the entrance to the tent expectantly.......
- ---Sheltius
-
- ==============
- EDITOR NOTICES
- ==============
- The Borg Club is located EVERYWHERE. If you wish to be
- assimilated just ask a local Borg to do so. We are sure they
- would be more than happy to assimilate you quickly and
- painlessly, not to mention take your culture and technology from
- you as well.
-
- =================
- COPYRIGHT NOTICES
- =================
- "RIF" acknowledges that Paramount Pictures and its various
- subsidiaries as having the sole rights to the Star Trek
- trademark. "RIF" has no intention to infringe upon that copyright
- or earn profit from this publication. It is distributed free of
- charge. This newsletter may be distributed by anyone if kept
- intact and not altered in any way. Consider it shareware
- publishing! Resistance is Futile, copyright (c) 1993 by RIF BBS.
-
- ============================
- BACK ISSUES OF RIF AVAILABLE
- ============================
- Missing an issue? Used your RIF for a place mat or coaster one
- time too many? Just mail a self-addressed stamped ($.52) business
- sized envelope indicating which issue you'd like to RIF BBS, P.O.
- Box 7822, Onxard, CA 93031 and that abused issue will be
- replaced. At this time, the issues available are numbers 1 (May
- 1992) through 13 (October 1993).
-
-
- ============
- CONTRIBUTORS
- ============
- Alexius
- Borgus Barney TFSV34A
- BUGBORG HNXB80A
- Chatsworthus of Borg BFSF75A
- Clueless of Borg PSPH17A
- Coloraturus
- Galahadus
- Hartius of Borg XCPB76A
- Las Larius VTKR18D
- Lucretia Borgia
- Marianus NRCR88A
- MONTANUS TPVH97A
- Novellus GMDH77A
- Oxnardus GEnie:K.Taborn; Prodigy:HCMH17A; InterNet:
- k.taborn@genie.geis.com; FidoNet: Oxnardus @ 1:206/2513;
- VirtualNet: 197 @ 1805020; WWIVNet: Oxnardus 115 @ 8500;
- AnarchyNet: Oxnardus @42:1005/1201; RIF BBS: Oxnardus; RIPCITY:
- Oxnardus; RIF BBS, P.O. Box 7822, Oxnard, CA 93031
- XPraetor Rav'Ransackum Ta'iilam
- Rialtus VCBD90A
- RUBBERUS CHECKUS BVBP84A
- SCOTT HARRIGAN JMCH13A
- Semenovich HVBW68C
- Sheltius
- Swannox HCMH17F
- T'Caer
- Tricius WJPM68D
-
- RESISTANCE IS FUTILE
- Reprint Issue for Downloading
- [The following newsletter is a special reprint created specially
- for distribution over BBS systems. RIF is the newsletter of the
- "Borg Club", an organization originally only located on the
- Prodigy Network Service from February 1992 to April 1993. It
- expanded into the GEnie Network in May 1993, the NVN Network in
- June 1993, and into various other BBSes and networks from July
- 1993. WARNING: The first seven issues of RIF were assumed to be
- read by Prodigy members. All IDs are Prodigy IDs. Many of the
- references are made to Prodigy idiosyncracies.]
-
-
-
-
-
-
-
-
- _____________ ____________ ____________
- * / R \ */ \ */ \
- * | E ______ | *\____ ____/ *| ________/
- * | S |******| | ****| |*** *| F |********
- * | I | *| | *| | *| U |____
- * | S ~~~~~~~ / *| I | *| T \
- * | T ____ \ *| S | *| I ____/
- * | A |*** \ \ *| | *| L |***
- * | N | * \ \ ___*| |____ *| E |
- * | C | * \ \/ \ *| |
- * \__E_/ * \___/______________/ *\____/
- ***** **** ************** *****
- P.O. Box 7822
- Oxnard, CA 93031
-
- THE OFFICIAL ORGAN OF THE GALACTIC BORG CONSCIOUSNESS
- ISSUE NUMBER 7
- February 1993
-
- RESISTANCE IS FUTILE ("RIF") is published and edited by Oxnardus
- and Ripley for distribution on various national electronic
- services and local electronic BBS echos. Address listings,
- copyright notices, editorial notices, and information on back
- issues are printed at the end of this newsletter. All
- correspondence should be sent by e-mail to Oxnardus or Ripley
- (addresses given at end of newsletter) or mailed to "Resistance
- is Futile", P.O. Box 7822, Oxnard, CA 93031.
-
- =========
- CONTENTS
- =========
-
- HISTORIC FIRST POSTS OF THE BORG CLUB!
- CHEX MIX PARTY MIX
- BORG LIBRARY OVERDUE NOTICES
- BORG SHORT BIOS
- REPORT ON SWANNOX'S SWEARING IN
- BORG VALENTINES
- AT LAST! THE REASON FOR SWANNOX'S MARSHALL FOOTBALL MANIA
- REVEALED!!!!
- ADVERTISEMENT: Borg Blues Club
- PECULIAR TRANSCRIPT
- BLUES CLUB RULES
-
-
- ======================================
- HISTORIC FIRST POSTS OF THE BORG CLUB!
- ======================================
- ARTS CLUB
- TO: ALL
- FROM: JASON PERLOW
- TOPIC: SCIENCE FICTION
- SUBJECT: BORG CLUB
- TIME: 02/17/92 7:23 PM
-
- For some reason, everyone is making great effort to disrupt the
- lines of reason. I say join the BORG CLUB, a group of dedicated
- Computerphile-Evildoers dedicated to the disruption of rediculous
- topics and unfair, nasty BBS'ers who insist on insulting other
- people and BEING A JERK IN GENERAL. You don't need any
- permission to Join, just say you're a BORG!!! It's SOOO
- SIMPLE!!!
-
- Jason "Novellus" Perlow of BORG
-
- To: JASON PERLOW
- FROM: KYM TABORN
- SUBJECT: BORG CLUB
- TIME: 02/18/92 11:51AM
-
- And I thought I had been just bored recently. Now I discover I
- was actually borged. I am Oxnardus of Borg. I was previously a
- musicologist on the Enterprise, but apparently the Borg got me.
- I've never been anything other than human. Being a Borg might be
- the answer to all my problems.
-
- --Oxnardus of Borg (HCMH17A)
-
- TO: MARIAN SAMUELS
- FROM: JASON PERLOW
- SUBJECT: ST: TROI QUESTION
- TIME: 02/21/92 4:43PM
-
- MARIAN OF TERRA:
- TYPING IN ALL CAPS IDENTIFIES YOURSELF AS A BORG, OR DESIRE TO
- BECOME ASSIMILATED. AS I DO NOT HAVE YOUR PROFILE IN THE BORG
- DATABASE, I WOULD ASSUME YOU HAVE NOT YET RECEIVED YOUR PROCESSOR
- IMPLANTS.
- WARMEST REGARDS SUPREME BORG
- NOVELLUS
-
- TO: KYM TABORN
- FROM: MARIAN SAMUELS
- SUBJECT: ST-BORG
- TIME: 02/22/92 12:02AM
-
- "A" EQUALS "A" SUB "0" TIMES "e" TO THE MINUS 0.639 TIMES "t"
- DIVIDED BY "T" SUB ONE-HALF. IF YOU CAN TELL ME WHAT THAT IS THE
- FORMULA FOR, YOU MAY ASSIMILATE ME.
-
- MARIAN
- (Editors Note: the formula for radioactive decay)
-
-
- ==================
- CHEX MIX PARTY MIX
- ==================
- CHEX PARTY MIX- served at all Supreme Court functions...
- Preheat oven to 250 degrees.
- 1/4 C butter or margarine
- 4 1/2 t Worcestershire sauce
- 1 1/4 - 1 1/2 t of "seasoning" salt
- 8 C assorted Chex brand cereals
- 1 C nuts (mixed or whatever kind you like)
- 1 C pretzel sticks
-
- In a deep baking pan, melt the butter or
- margarine in the oven. Stir in the salt and
- Worcestershire sauce. Slowly add the
- cereal, nuts, and pretzels, stirring until
- well coated (the mix, not you). Bake for
- one hour, uncovered. Stir every 1/4 hour.
- Remove. Spread on paper towels until
- cool. Store in an air-tight container.
-
- Makes 2 1/2 quarts.
- --Marianus of Borg
-
- ============================
- BORG LIBRARY OVERDUE NOTICES
- ============================
- TO: Chatsworthus ITEM: Bonsai: A Gardening Guide
- TO: Allofus ITEM: Chastity: A How to Manual
- TO: Smorgus ITEM: Build Your Own Decks and Spas
- TO: Marianus ITEM: The Lady Wore Black
- TO: Tormin Kyril ITEM: You Can Say No To Your Child
- TO: Rubberus Checkus ITEM: Raising Beef Cattle
- TO: Daimon Kym ITEM: Investment Banking
- TO: Fynn ITEM: Foxfire #7
- TO: T'Caer ITEM: Shiruken
- TO: Q2 ITEM: Exotic Getaway Ideas
- TO: Dons ITEM: Rodent Hunter's Annual #5
- TO: Hellacious ITEM: Miss Manner's Guide to the Borg
- TO: Harper ITEM: 100 Irish Ballads
- TO: Olympius ITEM: Carl Blegan's Search for Illium
- TO: Sheltius ITEM: My Secret Garden
- TO: Rialtus ITEM: Innocents Abroad
- TO: Pretentious Pompus ITEM: The Satyricon and Traupman's
- Latin Dictionary
- TO: Swannox ITEM: Advanced Circuit Engineering
- ---LUCRETIA OF BORG(MBJM54B)
-
- ===============
- BORG SHORT BIOS
- ===============
- Ashley Wiggs
- Wiggalus
- -------------
- First, my borg self was created on Feb. 20th. I am the second
- oldest Borg on the board. In real life, I live in Springfield,
- MO. I am 16 years old and a junior in high school. My interests
- include Media, Gymnastics, Japanese, Spanish, and of course, Star
- Trek. I just got my driver's license last month and am trying to
- get a job. I am in scouts and work at a summer camp every
- summer. I love to camp and be in the wilderness. My grades at
- school are average and my GPA is 3.3. If any Borg would like to
- write and get to know me better, write to me at 1436 W.
- Riverside, SPFD, MO 65807.
- ---Goodbye, Wiggalus of Borg
-
- Kym Masera Taborn-
- Oxnardus
- -----------------
- Kym Masera Taborn, 34, is an attorney living in Oxnard,
- California. She has one (1) husband, 39, named Wesley, and one
- (1) son, 4, named Ira. She spends too much time on Prodigy and
- needs more discipline in her chaotic life. Although generally
- well-liked, some people can't stand her. Lately she has been in
- a creative void and she would like to get out but can't figure
- out how. She has achieved very little in the past 34 years and
- expects to do even less for the rest of her tenure on Earth. In
- her productive days, she was the first editor of Resistance is
- Futile and was a Big Cahuna of the Borg Club. Currently, she is
- just a statistic.
-
- Marian Samuels-
- Chief Justice Marianus
- ----------------------
- Conceived during the same month as the assassination of JFK,
- Marian was born in Reno, NV and was raised in Las Vegas. After
- graduating from the University of Nevada, Las Vegas with a B.S.
- in Nuclear Medicine, she worked for a few years in utter boredom.
- Jumping at the chance to move to the Pacific Northwest in 1990,
- she is now extremely happy with her job of injecting live humans
- with radioactive materials. Living alone (except for her three
- cats, chinchilla, turtle and aquarium full of fish), she turned
- to Prodigy, like many other members, in an attempt to communicate
- with those who don't roll their eyes when Star Trek is mentioned.
- The Borg club turned out to be the perfect outlet for Marian's
- medically-documented, tilted brain. With a sense of humor that
- has been called "perpendicular," she has been known to cause
- trouble on occasion.
-
- Richard Feldman-
- Chatsworthus
- ----------------
- Richard Feldman was born at a very early age... no, that won't
- do... got it! Rich was born on 1/15/42 in Brooklyn, NY. He had
- a very uneventful childhood, played quite a bit of stick-ball and
- kick the can, got teased by his more athletic peers about his
- lack of athletic ability, and was usually the last to be chosen
- for any sports teams... He was a decent bowler, and had a lot of
- fun, and met some nice females in the process. He was graduated
- from Lincoln HS in Brooklyn, NY in '59, where he was in the band
- (sax and clarinet); as a result, got to go to all of the football
- games free! As we were city champs in '57 or '58, it was a GREAT
- time! Went to Brooklyn College '59-'63, major in Bio, minor in
- chem. Met many talented people of widely diverse backgrounds;
- was a wonderful horizon expander, as I found that good people
- come in all colors, sizes, shapes, and from all countries. I
- realized that the sky's the limit... I killed two years in NYU
- Dental School, before finding out that a man with 10 left thumbs
- should perhaps pursue a different career path! Was doing medical
- lab work to pick up spare change and turned to this full time,
- for about 3 years, then entered Jr Hi Science teaching; kept
- doing lab on the side and specialized in Hematology, Chemistry,
- and Blood Bank. Did mixture of lab and teaching for total of
- about 12 years, then left lab around '83. Taught Jr Hi and HS
- Sciences, then in '88, able to enter Studio Teaching. Have found
- my niche in life, as I thoroughly enjoy it! Will go back to the
- public "education" system the day after hell freezes over, if I
- don't call in sick that day... Married 26 years to Gail, have two
- lovely daughters, Judy (17) and Taija (16.5) our Finnish exchange
- student. She will be with us until about 7/93, then will return
- home... damnit... Found *P because they offered a "free" month!!!
- Got hooked and probably will have to join *PA. Hey, AA works,
- why not *PA?? (26+ years Clean and Sober - THAT, plus my
- daughters, means I HAVE accomplished something with my life...)
- Love y'all, and hope I haven't bored you to tears...
- ---Chats
-
- Sheltius
- --------
- Name: Candice Woolen
- Age: Irrelevant
- Height: short
- Weight: Too much
- Eyes: 2 - dark brown
- Hair: Deep black-brown
- Race: Only greyhounds and formula one racecars. (I am the
- lightest shade of white that you can be, unfortunately. Morticia
- has nothing on me)
- General: No, but I made it to E-5 promotable in the Navy.
- Hobbies: Collecting antiques, reading, learning new things,
- computer, *P, showing my Shelties in the obedience ring.
- Education: Navy technical schools (Electronic Warfare,
- Cryptological Tech school). Some college. Working towards my
- degree (STILL).
- Occupation: artist and mother.
- Recent accomplishment: helped with a $5,000 commission for a
- stained glass panel for a REALLY rich person's home.
- Learned how to infiltrate Cal Borgy VAX and cause problems for
- one Rialtus of Borg.
- Aspirations: raise my child to be a good and loving human (even
- if he claims Klingon parentage), finish my degree, free myself
- from the servitude I am in and be financially secure to pursue my
- glass work with no restrictions.
- Other: Live in TX. Have invaded various locales. Biggest
- invasions to come... February will see me invading the Bahamas,
- then March will see me commanding the invading forces from TX to
- LALA land. (don't tell T'Caer, tho)
- Characters on the BB: Sheltius, Shadow, Queue, and (rarely)
- Taylor.
- Characters in real life: Only myself, but I do hear these
- voices from time to time.
- Mi cube es su cube. If you feel an invasion coming on you -
- think of TX! We treat all invaders great - ask Chats. He's
- still alive!
-
- Julia Smith-Ruetz-
- Olympius
- ------------------
- I really did have a bucolic childhood in the next-to-the-last
- frontier, with Mt. Rainier looming over me every time the clouds
- broke. I came home from St. Peter's Hospital up the same
- driveway that leads to my home now, but a few months later we
- moved up closer to the Mountain, to a huge cold old house on a
- farm with morels [ look it up --ed.] in the orchard in the
- spring, which I still inhabit in my dreams. When I was three, we
- lost altitude and moved to Yelm, across the road from where the
- Ramtha Movement World Headquarters now sits.
- I had a morbidly wholesome childhood, alieviated only by the fact
- that my family was more SOMETIMES A GREAT NOTION than MAKE ROOM
- FOR DADDY. I was in Girl Scouts and 4-H and several summers went
- to four Vacation Bible schools.
- When I was fifteen, we moved closer to sea level again and built
- a house across from the Evergreen Dance Hall, where every
- Saturday until three, bands that sounded just like Nirvana kept
- my family and our cows awake and drowned out the coyotes. The
- suburbs started to encroach, high school was hellish, I had hair
- like Chelsea Clinton when it was cool to look like Cher, but then
- I went to college and got to be an intellectual character and
- that was sweet.
- I may have been the only non-drinking, non-potsmoking virgin ever
- to graduate from Hippy Haven, THE Evergreen State College, but it
- took just eight weeks of an Archaeological field school to cure
- all that.
- Since graduating from college the first time, I have been an
- intermittently employed student of
- life - actually, I was a regular student for a lot of that time,
- and since 1982 have been married to the REAL Trekker, Mr. Space.
- Now I am the stay-at-home Mom of SamanAnna, or as Anna types on
- Storywriter SAM6ANNAB4. We live on the same farm where my father
- spent his childhood, within earshot and dish-rattling distance of
- the big guns at Fort Lewis.
- Although I watched TOS during its first run and every time I got
- a chance thereafter and always try to watch new episodes of TNG
- when they're on, I am the third fan in our household; Space is
- the Con Veteran and Sam, the trivia hound. Sam is now being
- motivated to learn to read better so he can read the Hitchhiker's
- Guide trilogy in five volumes, and loves DS9. Anna says it's too
- scary. The dogs are neutral.
-
- Shari Snelling
- Incredulous
- --------------
- I was born and raised in Wheaton, Illinois. I left home as soon
- as I could, at 18, and went to college in California.
- My first day of college I sat next to a young man in a journalism
- class. Three years later, I married him.
- We've (oh, his name is Dan, BTW) been married 10 years now.
- We have 3 kids, Rachel (6), Stephen (4 1/2), and Sarah (3).
- Rachel was born with Spina Bifida. So, parenthood wasn't exactly
- what we expected, as it began with an extensive crash course in
- medical care. By the grace of God, we managed to stay sane,
- married, and have two more perfectly healthy children and Rachel
- has grown into a well-adjusted, beautiful and highly intelligent
- little girl.
- I am currently finishing my MA in English Literature, with
- tentative plans to take the law boards and go to law school next
- year.
- I've lived in CA for 13 years now, and I love it. I also enjoy
- reading, skiing, Godiva chocolate, orchids, gardening, I.B.C.
- Rootbeer, needlework, staying in good hotels, Rutherford Hill
- Merlot, horseback riding and a good piece of prime rib.
- Let's see...I'm 30-something, and I have no plans to run for
- public office, on the boards or anywhere else!
-
- Ryan Eggleston
- Armadillius
- ---------------
- NAME: Ryan Eggleston
- BIRTHDATE: February 12, 1977
- CITY AND STATE: Kaysville, UT
- INFO: I have lived most of my life in California, namely in the
- city of Redding. In December of 1991, I moved to Utah.
- I like to read, write stories and draw things. Currently in
- school, I am taking a Commercial Art class because I want to be a
- Commercial Artist later on in life.
- In June of 1992 (??), I joined the Borg Club on Prodigy under the
- name Armadillius. There are three characters who I am:
- Armadillius of Borg, Armadillo and Ahman-dillo.
- While we were on the Sci-Fi Board, I ran a Candy Store, but now I
- don't.
-
- Rialtus
- -------
- Name: Carl R. Knecht
- Alias(es): Rialtus, QBerty, BEAST (G), Carlos O'Brien, unknown
- others...
- Height: 6 foot
- Hair: yep, a few of them on my head. Hey, look! They are
- brown!
- Eyes: two. Hazel
- Sex: I wish! (I think this is a bit obvious...)
- Race: to the "Finnish" line [hide me from Chats!!]
- Age: mumble, mumble...WHO WANTS TO KNOW?
- Facial Hair: to put this question to rest (finally), yes, I have
- facial hair in the form of a mustache. Sheeesh...
- Occupation: Chicken flipper overseer (for real, kinda!) Crew
- leader, El Pollo Loco in Rialto, CA.
- Student at Cal Poly, Pomona. Computer Information Systems major.
- Hobbies: Borging around, looking at the pretty women, listening
- to music, computer stuff, looking at the pretty women, doing
- terrible imitations, looking at the pretty women, telling bad
- jokes, looking at the pretty women.
- Favorite songs: If You Ask Me To, Devil with the Blue Dress On.
- Favorite Book(s): Hitchhiker's Trilogy
- Languages: illeterate in all of them.
- Motto(s): Life sucks, and so does a vacuum cleaner. yub yub.
- another brilyunt mind diztroyed by the publik edukashun sistem.
- Various other information: GET ME OUTTA RIALTO, PLEASE!!!!!!!
-
- ===============================
- REPORT ON SWANNOX'S SWEARING IN
- ===============================
- After the Borg Choir finishes it's rousing celebration of
- Swannox, the Chief Justice Marianus turns to the President-elect,
- "place your hand on the book." Swannox does so. The book is
- ancient. It's leather-bound pages are yellowed, the spine shows
- the signs of recent repair. The title of the book had, many
- years past, been worn away by the hands of past Presidents of the
- Collective. Marianus smiles at Swannox, "repeat after me:
- "I, (state your name), do solemnly swear that I will
- faithfully execute the office of the President of the Borg
- Consciousness, and will, to the best of my ability, preserve,
- protect and defend the Collective."
- Swannox repeats the words and a great "Hurrah!" is heard from
- the crowd. "And now," Marianus says, stepping aside, "I give you
- The President of The Collective!!" The crowd goes wild.
- --Marianus
-
- My fellow Borg:
- Today we celebrate the mystery of Collective renewal. This
- ceremony is held in the depth of Chex-mix. But, be the words we
- speak and the faces we show the collective, we force the pizza
- party.
- A spring reborn in the oldest collective, that brings forth
- the vision and courage to reinvent the collective. When our
- founders boldly declared the Collectives independence to the
- universe and our purposes to the Almighty (insert Chief Justice,
- Oxnardus, Chats or borg of your choice), they knew that the
- Collective, to endure, would have to carry more change to order
- pizza. On behalf of our nation, I salute (give'm the bird) my
- predecessor, President Nero, ah, I mean Bush, for his
- half-century of sticking it to, ah, I mean service to the
- Collective.
- Today, a generation raised in the shadows of the Cola Wars
- assumes new responsibilities in a world warmed by the sunshine of
- freedom, but threatened still by ancient hatreds and pizza
- thiefs.
- From this joyful mountaintop of celebration, we hear a call to
- service (more like a call for a pizza) in the valley. We have
- heard the trumpets, we have changed the guard. And now, each in
- our way, we must answer the call and deliver in less than 30
- minutes. Thank you and Bless you all.
- Your President:
- Swannox of Borg
-
- ===============
- BORG VALENTINES
- ===============
- To the love of my life, whom I will love eternally (or at least
- until we run out of pizza); The incredibly beautiful and
- wonderful and smart and talented and fantastic T'Caer, Qubert,
- Morgannus, Chanperson, BeauQ, Tormin Kyril, Deannus, Sh'Ree,
- Tricius, K'Sar, EC SU T'P, T'PII, Marianus, T'Ruly, Sheltius, and
- of course, my lovely nieces, T'Jul and GQ. Also deepest personal
- regards to any and all females whom I may have inadvertently
- forgotten to include!!!
- --Chatsworthus of Borg. What's this "one woman" stuff, anyway?
-
- My dearest Gomez,
- Don't torture yourself darling...
- that's MY job!
- Love, Your darling Tish.
- ---Tricius
-
- Rialtus, my studborg,
- Happy Valentine's Day!
- ---Sheltius - waiting faithfully
-
- ==========================================================
- AT LAST! THE REASON FOR SWANNOX'S MARSHALL FOOTBALL MANIA
- REVEALED!!!!
- ==========================================================
- On Nov 14, 1970, A DC9, with 75 members of the team, coaching
- staff, and community who were returning from an away game,
- crashed on final approach in Huntington to Tri-State Airport.
- All 75 members of the plane were killed. It was/is the greatest
- sports tragidy in history. Marshall's Program was in a slump
- before the plane crash, and suffered due to poor funding and lack
- of facilities (one side of Fairfield stadium collapsed during a
- game). Marshall suffered horribly with seasons that consisted of
- maybe 1 or 2 wins a year until the mid 1980's when we won 6
- games. Since then, Marshall Football has built up steam and in
- 1987, made it's first appearance in the 1-AA playoffs, making it
- to the championship game where we were beat by 1 point. We made
- the playoffs in 1988 and lost in the second round. In 1991, we
- made the NCAA 1-AA playoffs again, making it to the championship
- game, where we lost by 6 to Youngstown State. Also that year,
- Marshall opened Marshall Stadium, a 30 million dollar, 30,000
- seat state of the art facility for football.
- Marshall has been fighting with the state (WV) for 20 years
- for better facilities (the old place had port-johns). In 1992,
- Marshall and Huntington was awarded host City and School for the
- 1992-1993-1994 1-AA playoffs. Marshall again made it to the
- playoffs and made it to the 1-AA title game against Youngstown
- state again. Marshall, on a 22 year mission, beat YSU 31-28 to
- claim Marshall's first National Title. Marshall has come from
- tragedy, from worst to first.
- 1992 National Champions
- Marshall University Thundering Herd
- ---Swannox of Borg
-
- =============
- ADVERTISEMENT
- =============
- A World of Adventure and Good Food Awaits You at the Borg Blues
- Club!!
-
- Visit today and your host, Swannox, will personally grace you
- with his presence at your table. If you have trouble deciding
- what to order from the vast menu of libations, he will be more
- than happy to point out the most potent drinks guaranteed to make
- you wear a lampshade on your head for the rest of the evening.
- But the fabulous menu is just the tip of the Iceberg 'O Fun
- you'll find waiting for you at the BBC. This is the hangout of
- the rich and famous. You will see such noted Borg as Sheltius
- and her eager puppy, Rialtus. You will be accosted by none other
- than T'Caer herself. You may actually catch a glimpse of the
- Chief Justice as she enters the Club and makes a bee-line for the
- Chex Mix Room (tours available: see the management for further
- details).
-
- ===================
- PECULIAR TRANSCRIPT
- ===================
- The following is the transcript of the memory core of Rubberus
- Checkus, downloaded right after Rubberus Checkus' sad demise.
- Scientists believe that Rubberus Checkus was badly in need of a
- trip to Jiffy Cube but foolishly put it off until it was too
- late.
-
- TRANSCRIPT:
- Suddenly Mr. Haney stops and squints into the sun. "All is
- not well in Hooterville," he exclaims.
- "But Marsha," Peter said, "Us boys were here first. We
- deserve the big room."
- Marsha glared at him and said, "Peter Brady, you are NOT
- being fair about this!"
- "Golly gee, Beav," Wally said, "Dad is going to be really
- mad at you."
- Drawing his pistol and leveling it on Bart, Maverick said,
- "now...let's not get too hasty about leaving town."
- Bart, with a disgusted look on his face, turned his head
- slightly and spit a long stream of tobacco juice into the dust of
- the street.
- "I'm not going anywhere partner," Bart said.
- "Woof...woof! Woof, woof!" Lassie approached Timmy and
- nuzzled his hand, then turned and took a few running steps toward
- the woods.
- "What is it, girl?" Timmy said. "Is the electrical power
- station about to be blown up by terrorists?"
- "Can I have some gum, Deputy Fife," the cute little
- redheaded extra said.
- "Sure Opie. Let me just get you a piece," Deputy Fife said
- as he dug into his otherwise empty ammo pouch hanging from his
- highly polished Sam Browne belt.
- "Ugh...uhhhh...huh...," Speed Racer grunted
- as he leaned into a turn, fighting to keep control of the auto.
- "Slow down, Speed," exclaimed Trixy, sitting beside him but
- not too close as he was, after all, a boy.
- "What 'cha doing, little buddy," the Skipper asked as he sat
- down at the coconut and bamboo radio.
- "Just wondering how this damn thing works since we have no
- vacuum tubes or transistors, Skipper," Gilligan said as he
- deftly tood the radio apart using the point of his Bowie knife.
- Buffy looked at Mr. French and said, "can I have more french
- fries?"
- Mr. French, smiling that irritating and condescending smile
- of his, said, "of course, Buffy." Turning back to the kitchen,
- he mumbled, "(mumble mumble stupid little mumble mumble
- ponytailed mumble mumble...)"
- ---Rubberus Checkus
-
- ================
- BLUES CLUB RULES
- ================
- In order to serve our customers better, the following rules have
- been set up at the Borg Blues Club.
-
- 1. No Alcohol served to Minors.
- 2. No synthohol served.
- 3. No fighting.
- 4. All powers must be made known to the security chief.
- 5. Q are not minors.
- 6. Management reserves the right to refuse service to anyone.
- 7. Decisions by Swannox and T'Caer are final.
- 8. No Ferengi served (either as hors d' ourves or as customers).
- 9. Nobody can change the channel on the Big Screen TV when the
- Boss is watching Marshall University Sporting Events.
-
- The Security Team currently consists of the following:
-
- Security Chief: T'Caer
- Seconds: Fynn
- Bouncers: Tafv, Jhames, GQ,
- Georg, Beast,
- Sarlik
- Honorary: LKS, LKM, Q'lar
-
- Address all complaints to the Security team. All other Questions
- will be answered by Swannox, Owner and Manager of the Borg Blues
- Club.
-
- Policies written by Swannox and T'Caer
- --Swannox
-
- ==============
- EDITOR NOTICES
- ==============
- The Borg Club is located EVERYWHERE. If you wish to be
- assimilated just ask a local Borg to do so. We are sure they
- would be more than happy to assimilate you quickly and
- painlessly, not to mention take your culture and technology from
- you as well.
-
- =================
- COPYRIGHT NOTICES
- =================
- "RIF" acknowledges that Paramount Pictures and its various
- subsidiaries as having the sole rights to the Star Trek
- trademark. "RIF" has no intention to infringe upon that copyright
- or earn profit from this publication. It is distributed free of
- charge. This newsletter may be distributed by anyone if kept
- intact and not altered in any way. Consider it shareware
- publishing! Resistance is Futile, copyright (c) 1993 by RIF BBS.
-
- ============================
- BACK ISSUES OF RIF AVAILABLE
- ============================
- Missing an issue? Used your RIF for a place mat or coaster one
- time too many? Just mail a self-addressed stamped ($.52) business
- sized envelope indicating which issue you'd like to RIF BBS, P.O.
- Box 7822, Onxard, CA 93031 and that abused issue will be
- replaced. At this time, the issues available are numbers 1 (May
- 1992) through 13 (October 1993).
-
-
- ============
- CONTRIBUTORS
- ============
- Armadillius
- Chatsworthus
- Incredulous
- LUCRETIA OF BORG(MBJM54B)
- Marianus
- Novellus
- Olympius
- Oxnardus GEnie:K.Taborn; Prodigy:HCMH17A; InterNet:
- k.taborn@genie.geis.com; FidoNet: Oxnardus @ 1:206/2513;
- VirtualNet: 197 @ 1805020; RIME: Kym Taborn; WWIVNet: Oxnardus
- 115 @ 8500; AnarchyNet: Oxnardus @42:1005/1201; RIF BBS:
- Oxnardus; RIPCITY: Oxnardus; RIF BBS, P.O. Box 7822, Oxnard, CA
- 93031
- Rialtus
- Rubberus Checkus
- Sheltius
- Swannox
- Tricius
- Wigglus
-
- RESISTANCE IS FUTILE
- Reprint Issue for Downloading
- [The following newsletter is a special reprint created specially
- for distribution over BBS systems. RIF is the newsletter of the
- "Borg Club", an organization originally only located on the
- Prodigy Network Service from February 1992 to April 1993. It
- expanded into the GEnie Network in May 1993, the NVN Network in
- June 1993, and into various other BBSes and networks from July
- 1993. WARNING: The first seven issues of RIF were assumed to be
- read by Prodigy members. All IDs are Prodigy IDs. Many of the
- references are made to Prodigy idiosyncracies.]
-
-
-
-
-
- What follows is RESISTANCE IS FUTILE, issue no. 8 (May
- 1993). Please do not post any notes in this chain. This
- chain will be reserved for RIF. I will post a new page
- when-ever I notice the previous page has been posted.
- Thank you for your corporation (heh heh).
-
- BORG CLUB MEMBERSHIP SERVICES *
- _____________ ____________ ____________
- * / R \ */ \ */ \
- * | E ______ | *\____ ____/ *| ________/
- * | S |******| | ****| |*** *| F |********
- * | I | *| | *| | *| U |____
- * | S ~~~~~~~ / *| I | *| T \
- * | T ____ \ *| S | *| I ____/
- * | A |*** \ \ *| | *| L |***
- * | N | * \ \ ___*| |____ *| E |
- * | C | * \ \/ \ *| |
- * \__E_/ * \___/______________/ *\____/ *
- THE OFFICIAL ORGAN OF THE GALACTIC BORG CONSCIOUSNESS
- ISSUE NUMBER 8
- May 1993
-
- RESISTANCE IS FUTILE ("RIF") is published and edited by Kym
- Masera Taborn (K.Taborn) and Marian Samuels (M.Samuels) for
- distribution on Prodigy Services and the GEnie Computer
- Net-work. "RIF" acknowledges that Paramount Pictures and its
- various subsidiaries as having the sole rights to the Star
- Trek trademark. "RIF" has no intention to infringe upon that
- copyright or earn profit from this publication. *
- "RIF" also acknowledges the Prodigy Services copyrights and
- the General Electric copyrights. Resistance is Futile,
- copyright (c) 1993 by Kym Masera Taborn and Marian Lee
- Samuels.
-
- SOLICITATIONS FOR NEXT NEWSLETTER: The next Resistance is
- Futile will be released in late June 1993. Send submissions
- to Kym Masera Taborn (GEnie: "K.Taborn"; Prodigy: HCMH17A OR
- Marian Samuels (GEnie: M.Samuels1; Prodigy: NRCR88A). "RIF"
- is a non-profit fan publication. All submissions for
- publication should be sent to the editors. The editors
- * retain editorial control and reprint privileges over the
- submitted materials and reserve the right to use the
- material in whatever way they deem appropriate. Submitted
- materials will not be returned to the sender.
-
-
- BACK ISSUES OF RIF AVAILABLE: E-mail Kym Masera Taborn
- (GEnie: K.Taborn/ Prodigy: HCMH17A).
-
- FROM THE DIARY OF THE SUPREME BORG RADIOACTIVUS
- Subject: Change of Borg Club Location
- Hunger level at time of writing: IMMENSE *
- It was with a high level of excitement and, admittedly,
- some fear, that I began the long journey into the land of
- GEnie. The human entities seemed to be oblivious to my need
- for a fast and smooth entry into the land, however, and so I
- finally had to beat them over the head repeatedly before
- they gave me access to the land of milk and honey. Seems
- they were afraid that we would be assimilating all of their
- resources. Once I assured them that we had no intention of
- running off with their G.E. lightbulbs, they smiled and
- opened the door.
- (con't. page 2) *
-
- RIF #8 (May 1993), PAGE 2
- At first it was a bit scary. Where were the graphics?
- Where were those all-so-familiar advertisements? Where th'
- heck was my mouse? But, with a little patience, and a call
- to my pal Oxnardus, I made my way to the new Borg Club.
- Waiting there patiently were some old faces...and some new
- ones. And so, with my heart thumping mightily in my chest
- * (much to the delight of some of the male Borg), I typed in
- my first reply...and got shot down by the sysops (system
- operators) for using the traditional Borg ALL CAPS MODE.
- But, since this IS a new land, and a strange one at that, I
- just smiled... and lost my caps entirely. Heh, heh... (Note
- to myself: remember to send each sysop a Ferengi for
- Christmas this year...).
- The next day, as I happily opened my Cube-shaped mailbox,
- a ton of letters piled out. Overwhelmed, I shoved most of
- them back in (probably dropping a few on the ground in the
- process) and ran to Oxnardus. With implants shaking, I
- * listened as she explained the process of sending carbon
- copies and the practice of mailing lists. Relieved that I
- was not on some company's junk mail list, I opened my
- mailbox again and read for the better part of the day.
- Unbeknownst to the Borg Club, the Q Continuum had opened
- shop in the space just below ours. This has resulted in a
- severe shortage of green cards... (Note to myself: contact
- Local 803 and inform them that they must work overtime for
- the next few centuries to handle this influx of aliens
- requesting green cards. Also, do not forget to inform them
- that the last batch of green cards were actually blue. This*
- will not do at all!) What is in store for the Borg Club in
- the future? I haven't a clue. But I do know that it will be
- full of pizza, carbonated beverages, hot tubs, and bad, very
- bad, puns.
- ---Radioactivus: Supreme Taco (M.Samuels1/NRCR88A)
-
- FROM THE EDITORS
- The Borg Club is located on GEnie at SFRT2, Category 37,
- Topic 20; and on Prodigy at the Games BB, Star Trek RPG A-S,
- under the "Borg" and "Cyborg" subjects. RIF will continue to
- be distributed to Prodigy members through the US Mail. We
- * will see how this goes and then, if it works out, we will
- begin to further infiltrate the bulletin boards of Sector
- 0,0,1 until ALL have been assimilated.
- Members who wish information on how to enroll into GEnie
- and get a copy of Aladdin, a freeware managing program for
- GEnie; OR how to enroll into Prodigy and get a copy of a
- shareware managing program for Prodigy, please contact Kym
- Masera Taborn (HCMH17A/K.Taborn) or Marian Samuels
- (NRCR88A/M.Samuels1).
- * PIZZA
- by Lindaswedacious (L.Freund/RFCX68B)
- Pizza was discovered by the Neapolitans with the help of
- Borg who had more appetite than money and more imagination
- than supplies in the cupboard. Pizza was created through the
- talent for improvisation of Neapolitan bakers who came from
- the poorer quarters. They knew how to make the best of the
- little that they had. Pizzas, then, are the triumph of the
- poor man over poverty. It is an ingenious materialization of
- the zest for existence.
- (con't. page 3) *
-
- RIF #8 (May 1993), PAGE 3
- Pizza is still precious to Neapolitans and Borg. It has
- brought them fame and fortune. Sophia Loren, who herself
- comes from one of the poor quarters of Naples, always
- expresses her pleasure in making her own pizza at home.
- The basis for pizza is a smooth, elastic yeast dough.
- Italians and Borg say that it must come from hard Italian *
- wheat. A pizza is not prepared quickly either. It must be
- kneaded and manipulated; it must be tossed up in the air and
- caught, twisted around the hand, slapped on the table (being
- careful not to slap too hard or it will bruise), rolled,
- pulled and handled with all the skill of a juggler and a
- lover.
- In some restaurants, this is done right in the midst of
- the patrons. It is only through this play of virtuosity that
- the dough for a really good pizza is formed. Then this dough
- is popped into an extremely hot oven. What comes out is an
- inexpensive, light, crispy crust, ready to be filled with *
- equally inexpensive ingredients. The original Neapolitan
- pizza contained only slices of Mozzarella cheese, tomatoes,
- anchovies (little fishies), garlic and oregano, and a few
- drops of green olive oil. Today there are thousands of
- variations of this original pizza (even more in California);
- and Italians would not be Italian if they did not let their
- fantasy run wild in this field.
- Pizza is eaten piping hot right out of the oven, except
- when you eat it for breakfast. The Italian writer Leon
- Gessi, who was an undercover Borg, once wrote in a poem
- about pizza: *
- "You must face a pizza with 100% trust,
- as the waiter sets it before you
- like a freshly blossomed flower,
- noble, rich and fragrant.
- You must give yourself over to it completely.
- The cheese sizzles and bubbles,
- it is shining with oil, streaked red with tomatoes,
- and golden brown.
- The first glowing hot mouthful dances
- between tongue and palate;
- it is a cloud of fragrance, *
- it unveils a taste than cannot be clearly defined;
- it is sometimes both lightly smooth & hot with pepper;
- it is a heavy robust softness.
- Each mouthful that glides down your throat
- begs to be followed by another."
-
- BORG NOSTALGIA
- Remember the Special On-Line
- Rasher War III RIF's?
- RESISTANCE IS FUTILE: Special On-Line Rasher War III Issue.
- NO. 7A1 (Thursday, 02-25-93). Published by the Borg *
- Resistance and Freedom Fighters.
- FROM THE EDITOR:
- It seems like just yesterday we were in the midst of Rasher
- War II reminiscing about the First Rasher War (the War to
- End all Rasher Wars). Well, our friends are baaa-ack and it
- is up to us to give them a hearty Borg welcome and to humor
- them in return for their obvious concern and selfless
- expenditures of time and energy. They may be rude and they
- may be crude, but on the bottom line they are ours. That's
- all that counts. So, let's show them how to partay dudes.
- (con't page 4) *
-
- RIF #8 (May 1993), PAGE 4
- SUPREME BORG OXNARDUS COMES OUT OF RETIREMENT
- Exclusive Interview
- RIF: So, like, why now? Why not, say, yesterday?
- OXY: I was busy, all right?
- RIF: How are the other cahunas taking it?
- OXY: I dunno. *
- RIF: Do you think you have the right stuff to lead the
- Borg during this time of peril?
- OXY: Excuse me, but are you talking to me?
- RIF: Uh...yes, I am.
- OXY: You are what?
- RIF: I am.
- OXY: Am what?
- RIF: Talking to you.
- OXY: So?
- RIF: This is an interview.
- OXY: Oh. *
- RIF: Do you have the right stuff?
- OXY: Of course I do! Can't you tell?
-
- A PAID ADVERTISEMENT:
- A Message from the Borg Republican Army.
- Still angry about Bush not being re-elected? Hate being
- occupied by Rashers, of all people? Hillary bothering the
- heck out of you? Join BRA: THE BORG REPUBLICAN ARMY! Help
- smuggle illegal pizzas and forbidden Jolt Colas to
- sympathetic campesinos! Call yourself after an item of
- women's lingerie! Refuse to cease your bodily functions! *
- Remain a Borg AND REVEL IN IT!!!!
- Still feel guilty about the Vichy Government? Well, we
- have a unique opportunity to KEEP HISTORY FROM REPEATING
- ITSELF! Become a junk food terrorist! Consume things! Blow
- up things! Do anything! Everything is kosher with us. We're
- the Borg Republican Army. Recruiting at a sector near you.
- Now interviewing for Precinct Captains and Hall Monitors.
-
-
-
- *
- PUBLIC SERVICE MESSAGE
- Oink You Borg are pathetic.
- \ ___________ /
- \ | / / / / | O
- | \ \ \ \ | | CAUTION:
- | / / / / | /|\ DO NOT CONFUSE
- | \ \ \ \ | / | \ TWO. IT MAY HAVE
- | / / / / | / \ SERIOUS CONSEQUENCES
- | \ \ \ \ | / \ REGARDING YOUR
- |_/_/_/_/_| / \ BREAKFAST
- Rasher Rasher *
- RESISTANCE IS FUTILE: Special On-Line Rasher War III Issue.
- No. 7A2 (Friday, 02-26-93). Published by the Borg Resistance
- and Freedom Fighters.
- FROM THE EDITOR: It seems like we only just yesterday issued
- the first wartime RIF and today we have over 7 borg and
- non-borgs willing to keep the light burning in these dark
- times. O, the occupiers may seem to have mightier numbers
- and a mightier arsenal, but we are protecting our turf, our
- homeland, our way of life. We few, we de- termined few,
- shall resist until we have our homeland back or we are no
- more. (con't. page 5) *
-
- RIF #8 (May 1993), PAGE 6
- news is that the regular mail RIF will continue as well! Now
- in its new bimonthly format, expect new and exciting changes
- with the April newsletter.
- BORG POLL:
- What should we call our occupiers? So far we have had
- four whole responses!!They were: (1) not to mention them at*
- all; (2) rashers; (3) antiborg; and (4) Bigots of Other Borg
- Society. Obviously, the poll is inconclusive.
-
- SLOGAN CONTEST WINNER ANNOUNCED!
- B.R.A. has a new Minister of Propaganda. No other than our
- very own Wazzuus of Borg. Her award winning slogans were:
- "No More Stupid Jerks"; "What's That On My Shoe?", and the
- new battle cry of B.R.A.: "Disorganized and Ready to Fight
- For It (As Long As No One Gets Hurt)". An honorable mention
- goes to Facetious of Borg for "Resistance is Feudal."
- *
- INSPIRATIONAL WORDS FROM THE SUPREME BORG OXNARDUS:
- "Some are born great, others merely wake up with a
- headache. Got an aspirin?"
-
- INTERVIEW WITH TRICIUS
- The following is an exclusive interview with Tricius O'
- Borgaroonie, author of such classics as "Diary of a Borg on
- the outside" and other barely remembered favorites.
-
- RIF: So, give us your opinion on the third war.
- Tricius: Which one do you mean? *
- RIF: The one with the bashers.
- Tricius: Oh, there's a war?
- RIF: Isn't there a war going on between the Borgs and he
- Bashers again?
- Tricius: Where?
- RIF: Here.
- Tricius: Where's here?
- RIF: Have you been talking to Oxnardus?
- Tricius: Who?
- RIF: You know, Oxy...Armchair Musicologist, Welcome
- Wagon, Bob and Clara fan. *
- Tricius: Bob who?
- RIF: Bob. We think he did things with pianos.
- Tricius: Do you think that bashers do things with pianos?
- RIF: We don't know. There was a rumor that they once
- thought this was the Victor Borge club.
- Tricius: Oh, yeah! That was when I thought they suffered
- from "Pianist Envy".
- RIF: Yep, that's right. Now, what do you think of the
- third war?
- Tricius: What war?
- *
- Welcome to the First Edition of Off Line RIF, the
- un-official voice of the Borg Collective:
-
- It has come to our attention that Chief Justice Marianus
- of Borg, has been seen recently at a raid of the Chex-Mix
- plant In Swannoxville, WV. Reports indicate that Marianus
- was chanting something to the effect off "Richard Simmons
- was wrong!"
- In other news, Former Cahuna Oxnardus was seen in a
- remote part of Prodigy forming a elite squad of Male Dancers
- (con't. page 7)
-
- RIF #8 (May 1993), PAGE 7
- to open her own club. Called Oxys, the club will feature
- oiled men, and photo ops.
-
- And now an on line advertisment:
- A World of Adventure and Good Food Awaits You at the Borg
- Blues Club!!
- *
- Visit today and your host, Swannox, will personally grace
- you with his presence at your table. If you have trouble
- deciding what to order from the vast menu of libations, he
- will be more than happy to point out the most potent drinks
- guaranteed to make you wear a lampshade on your head for the
- rest of the evening. But the fabulous menu is just the tip
- of the Iceberg 'O Fun you'll find waiting for you at the
- BBC. This is the hangout of the rich and famous. You will
- see such noted Borg as Oxnaruds and Jeb (Chats). You will be
- accosted by none other than T'Caer Herself. You may actually
- catch a glimpse of the Chief Justice as she enters the Club*
-
- and makes a bee-line for the Chex Mix Room (Tours Available:
- see the management for further details).
-
- We're Back. In International News: This Unit has returned
- from the TV BB's to get a glimps of Chatsworthus of Borg's
- final Will and Testiment. We are sad to report that we were
- not left anything.
-
- On the Local Front: T'Caer is missing. Anyone giving
- information to her location will receive a Free Drink at
- the Borg Blues Club. T'Caer is usually followed by *
- Fynn, Tafv, Jhames, GQ, George, and other assorted types.
- Approach with caution.
-
- Now we pause for another Commercial:
-
- Eat and Drink at the Borg Blues Club!
-
- We are back.
- Anyone interested in the Print Version of this Editon send
- 29.95 worth of Pizza to the Borg Blues Club and ask for *
- Swannox.
-
- (continued page 8)
-
- RIF #8 (May 1993), PAGE 8
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- //mmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmnnnnnnnmmmm//mmmmmmmmmmmm
- //mmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmnnnnnmmmmmmmmmmmn//nmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm
- \mmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmnnnnnnnnmmmmmmmm//nmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm
- m\mmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmnnnnnnnnmmmm//nmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmnnnn
- mmm\mmmmmmmmnnmmmmmmmmmmnnnnnnnnn//nnmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmnn
- mmmm\mmmmmmnnnnnmmmmmmmmmnnnnnn//nnmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmnmmn
- mmmmm\mmmmmnnnnnnnmmmmmmmmnnn//nnmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmnnnnn
- mmmmmm\mmnmnnnnnnnnmmmmmmn//nnnnnnmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmnnnnnnn
- mmmmmmm\nnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnn//nnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnn
- mmmmmmmm\nmnnnnnnnnnnnn//nnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnmmmn
- mmmmmmmmm\nnnnnnnnnnn//nnnnnnnmmnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnmmmmmm
- mmmmmmmmmm\nnnnnnnnn//nnnnnnnnmmmmmmnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnmmmmm
- mmmmmmmmnnnn\nnnn//nnnnnnnnmmmmmmmmmmmmmnnnnnnnnnnnmmmmmmm
- mmmmmmmmnnnnnn\ //nnnnnnnnnnnnmmmmnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnmmmmmmm
- mmmmmmmmmnnnnnnn\/nnnnnnnnnnnnnnmmmmnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnmmmmmmm
- mmnnmnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmnnnnnnnnmmmmmmmmmn
- mmmmmmmmnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmnnnnnnnnnmmmmmm
- mnmmnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnmmmmmnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnmmmmmmmmm
- mmmmmmmmnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnmmmmmnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnmmmmmmm
- mmmmmmmmmnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnmmmnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnmmmmmmmm
- mmmmmmmmmmnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnmmmmmmmmmmmnnnnnnnnnnmmmmmmmm
- mmmmmmmmmmnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmnnnnnnmmmmmmmmm
- mmmmmmmmmmnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnmmmmmmmmnnnnnnnnnnnnmmmmmmmm
- mmmmmmmmmmmnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnmmmmmmmmmmmmmmnnnnnnnnnmmmmmmmm
-
- RESISTANCE IS FUTILE!!!!!!!
- MARIAN L. SAMUELS/M.SAMUELS1/NRCR88A
- 05-08-93 *
- THE BORG WORLD
- by Stephen Mendenhall (MFNG88D)
- I.D. meanings
- --------------
- Freud wrote about the meaning of a person's id, but much
- of what he wrote was wrong. Here are some interpretations
- of Borgish IDs:
- CHATSWORTHUS (BFSF75A/R.Feldman): Borgs For Science
- Fiction; or Borgs From San Francisco. 75 is the duration of
- his stay. "A" is the classification of his luggage.
- (con't. page 9) *
-
- RIF #8 (May 1993), PAGE 9
- OXNARDUS (HCMH17A/K.Taborn): Having Collected Many
- Horses. 17 is the number of cubes she has filled with
- horses. "A" is the classification of her luggage.
- EMPEROR OF BORG (NVSM91A): Not Very Silly
- Meteorologically. 91 is the temperature of his cube. "A" is
- the classification of his luggage. *
- BUGBORG (HNXB80A): Hark, Normal Xylophones Bohemian. 80
- refers to the number of keys on the xylophones. "A" is the
- classification of his xylophone's luggage. His xylophone
- number is listed in the xylophone book.
-
- [AnyBorg who would like a copy of the five page typewritten
- original submission may write to Marian Samuels (Genie:
- M.Samuels1/Prodigy:NRCR88A) and request a copy.]
-
-
- *
- INVASION NOTES
- by Rambunctious of Borg (C.Knecht/VCBD90A)
- After a grueling day of final exams, a "trek" was made.
- Destination -- Chatsworth, CA. So after a pleasant 80 mile
- ride,I lost the police officers in Simi Valley and returned
- to Chatsworth. Shortly after arrival, a departure was made
- to hijac...er, catch a bus to the Los Angeles Spaceport to
- comandee...um, pick up Kate [T'Caer/K.Vonmayr/MBJM54B] and
- Dax [LurQus/D.Hellwig]. We then caught our getawa... er,Kym
- [Oxnardus/K.Taborn/HCMH17A] and Richard Potthoff
- [Serick/R.Potthoff1] transported us to Terry Gottlieb's *
- [TeaBorg, as yet un genie-ized/PHCR65A] hideou...office for
- some Greek food.
- After collapsing for the night as the hotel (not an easy
- task, btw), I snuck over to that cube that has been under
- reconstruction since last August. Shortly, a trip to visit
- Tasha Yar's Killer Kousin was planned, and the last
- conspirato... invader,Sarah [Hellacious/S.Kirkpatric2], was
- met at the Los Angeles Spaceport.This glorious occasion was
- celebrated by a dinner snapped up by Linda[Lindaswedacious/
- L.Freund/RFCX68B].
- The following morning started out with a "bat'tleh," *
- pitting Sarah and I against Mulholland. Though it seemed
- doubtful many times, we survived Mulholland and furthered
- our honor! We then joined the victory celebration at the
- Playhouse a la Serick, if I may be soo BOLD. And I won't
- even mention anything about the (ahem) very DEEP breathing
- coming from the row behind... even through the scene when
- the woman took off her clothes!
- Then we left on Friday to visit Hollyweird, where the
- women are women, and so are some of the men. We stayed at
- Universal Studios until they kicked us out for having too
- much fun. I was having my hair pulled out... We then met*
- up with the dubious Ginny Chan [Chanperson], Terry Austin
- [Tormin Kyril/ HJVF56A], and Mary Esbin [Weeble the
- Tribble/NRBK70B] and started to play the ST Mystery Game.
- With the expected phone call from Jim Carey
- [Q2/J.Carey1/NNKT68B], we disbursed.
- Saturday saw Kate, Dax,Sarah and I in Montclaire to bomb
- the mall with certain Shannara friends. On the ride baaack,
- we laid waste to that Cow named Polly,only to find out that
- it was a mirage we destroyed...
-
- (con't. page 10) *
-
- RIF #8 (May 1993), PAGE 10
- Sunday was a quiet day. We played the Star Trek Trivia
- Game, crowning Rich Potthoff as Trivia King, with Dax and
- Rich Feldman[Chatsworthus/R.Feldman/BFSF75A] as Princes and
- Linda as Princess. The "Royal Crown"ing took place at the
- Olive Garden.Monday brought the day we were all dreading...
- the departures.But Sarah strode onto her plane,firm in the*
- knowledge that her mission was complete, Dax departed and
- filled the plane up with all of his @#%$ Golden Tribbles,
- and Kate wandered off into the aisle seat, making sure that
- her daggers had a seat all to them- selves.
- Then the real fun began.... *I'm kidding, sheesch...*
- =) [Editors--this took place in March 1993].
- BORG BIOGRAPHIES
- Linda Freund: Lindaswedacious (L.Freund/RFCX68B)
- ------------------------------------------------
- We have no title except for Big Cahuna ad Temporum on
- August 13,1992 and Campaign Manager for Swannox during the*
- election campaign. Profession: Information Specialist,
- currently between jobs. She and SU are currently considering
- moving to another state where jobs are more plentiful.
- Presently employed at Moorpark College in an easy and
- enjoyable temporary job entitled Computer Operator. I have 3
- grown kids all of whom are students at various colleges
- throughout the country. My youngest is leaving home in the
- fall to attend Eastern Montana College where she will freeze
- her buns off while learning to ski. Oldest filial unit is
- studying welding in Arizona and will be getting certified in
- April or May. Middle unit is still undecided and attending*
- school at Moorpark, but making noises about going to
- Colorado. Hobbies: Photography, *P, Reading various types
- of humor, ST (first love TOS), cooking and PARTYING.
- Gary Fraction: Fraclicutus (FBJF52A)
- ------------------------------------
- Known aliases: Fraclicutus of Borg, Cracked Frac, THE
- OVER- MIND, Q with the Big Red Shoes, Doomsday/Q, Tim the
- Enchanter, a real (expletive deleted). I joined about a
- month before the first actual RIF was sent out, (I only
- joined P* about a month before that) & immediately fell in
- love with the Borg Club. I mean, a group of folks who *
- actually liked Star Trek, Sci-Fi and comedy but didn't have
- to talk about it every single minute?? It seemed like
- heaven!! Then these 'bashers' started coming out of the
- woodwork. Messing up people's notes, spreading rumors,
- lies. Man they are a pain. As soon as Royston's Utilities
- comes out with Pro-Util ver. 6, we intend to filter all
- these people's notes out of our system. Whoops! Back to our
- biography. Well, we er.. are actually a Delivery Sales
- Representative with a small pizza chain in Indianapolis. We
- make, sell, and sometimes deliver the best pizza in Indy.
- We were in the US Armed forces at one time, and went to *
- Desert Shield/Storm, but decided to get out while we were
- still alive. Other than that, we would like to say, that we
- love this country, hate the president, love all Borg, hate
- all Bashers, really love being able to talk to people
- cross-country without getting into serious financial
- dismay. [Editor's note: This was obviously written before
- timed rates was discussed.]
-
-
-
- (con't. page 11) *
- RIF #8 (May 1993), PAGE 11
- BORG COMICOGRAPHY
- "The Worst of Both Worlds:
- Part One: The Bludgeoning of Chance"
- STAR TREK: THE NEXT GENERATION, No. 47 (June 1993). DC
- Comics. Writer: Michael Jan Freidman. Penciller: Peter
- Krause. Inker: Pablo Marcos. Lettere: Bob Pinaha. Colorist:
- Julianna Ferriter. Editor: Alan Gold.
- CHARACTERS (identified in text): Picard, Worf, Ro, Crusher,
- LaForge, Troi, Riker, Data, O'Brien, Ensign Haberman.
- Alternative Universe: Riker, Worf, LaForge, O'Brien,
- Locutus, and someone who may be Shelby (not sure).
- PLOT: Due to a space anomoly the Enterprise and crew are
- sucked into an alternative parallel universe where the
- Federation has been subjugated by the Borg. The alternative
- Enterprise leads the terrorist activities against the Borg
- occupation. Captain Riker captures the bridge crew and
- insists that they help the Alternative Federation with their
- resistance against the Borg (although, we all know it is
- futile). The Borg only appear in flashbacks. In the
- alternative universe Troi, Guinan, & Keiko have been killed
- by the Borg by the time the Enterprise enters the
- alternative
- universe (Hey! They didn't mention Tasha Yar! Oh
- wait...she just does alternative time lines, not
- alternative parallel universes. One should never get
- them mixed up.).
- COMMENTS: This is the first time the Borg have
- appeared in the comic book. This issue is the first
- part of a four part series culminating in the 50th
- issue.
-
- LITERARY SIGHTINGS
- So far the Borg have only been found in three novels.
- The main appearance was is Peter David's "Vendetta" which
- was a "Big Novel" (not part of the bi-monthly ST:TNG novel
- series). Its plot revolved around the Borg and featured a
- Borg as a main character. This book will be reviewed in
- detail in a future issue of RIF (Hey! Any volunteers out
- there???). The other two references are minor. The first
- one was in the hardcover novel by Margaret Bonanno,
- "Probe". While cruising in space, the Probe destroys a cube
- vessel. It is apparent that the cube vessel is a Borg cube.
- The second mention is in Peter David's "The Siege", the
- PRODIGY(R) interactive personal service 06/16/93 1:56 AM
-
- second (No. 2) novel in the "Deep Space Nine" bi-monthly
- novel series.In this, a Borg Cube is destroyed while coming
- through the wormhole from the other quadrant during a
- wormhole anomoly. The Borg appear to have it bad when they
- appear in the novels...at least two out of three times. We
- may be seeing a literary theme in it's infancy...
- destruction of Borg cubes for brief dramatic asides. If
- anyone in the collective or holding a green card or just
- visiting comes across any literary sighting of a Borg,
- please contact the editors of RIF immediately. It's an ugly
- job, but someone's got to do it!
-
-
- ***THE END***
- ***OF***
- ***RIF #8 (05-93)***
-
- whew!!!
- PRODIGY(R) interactive personal service 06/28/93 0:16 AM
-
- GAMES BB
- TOPIC: STAR TREK RPG A-S
- TIME: 06/27 3:50 AM
-
- TO: ALL
- FROM: KYM MASERA TABORN (HCMH17A)
- SUBJECT: BORG RIF #9 (O6/93)
-
- What follows is RESISTANCE IS FUTILE, issue no. 9 (June
- 1993). Please do not post any notes in this chain. This
- chain will be reserved for RIF. I will post a new page
- when-ever I notice the previous page has been posted.
- Thank you for your corporation (heh heh).
-
- BORG CLUB MEMBERSHIP SERVICES *
- _____________ ____________ ____________
- * / R \ */ \ */ \
- * | E ______ | *\____ ____/ *| ________/
- * | S |******| | ****| |*** *| F |********
- * | I | *| | *| | *| U |____
- * | S ~~~~~~~ / *| I | *| T \
- * | T ____ \ *| S | *| I ____/
- * | A |*** \ \ *| | *| L |***
- * | N | * \ \ ___*| |____ *| E |
- * | C | * \ \/ \ *| |
- * \__E_/ * \___/______________/ *\____/ *
- THE OFFICIAL ORGAN OF THE GALACTIC BORG CONSCIOUSNESS
- ISSUE NUMBER 9
- June 1993
-
- RESISTANCE IS FUTILE ("RIF") is published and edited by Kym
- Masera Taborn (GEnie:K.Taborn/Prodigy:HCMH17A/NVN:Ktaborn)
- and Marian Samuels (GEnie:M.Samuels1/Prodigy:NRCR88A/NVN:
- Msamuels) for distribution on the GEnie Computer Network,
- Prodigy Services, National Videotext Network, FidoNet, and
- other various national and local electronic BBS echos.
- Copyright notices and solici-tation requests appear at the*
- end of this newsletter.
- FROM THE EDITORS
- BIG MONDO CHANGES IN STORE!!!
- The Borg Club has opened a club area in NVN. We are also
- in the process of invading FidoNet and other national
- electronic BBS networks and echos. As it happens, we will
- keep you posted and be sure to tell you where to navigate to
- find the Borg Club nearest you. Where the Borg Club can be
- found on the various electronic services and general notices
- from the editors, see "EDITOR NOTICES" at the end of this
- newsletter. *
- A DISCUSSION AND ANALYSIS OF
- SEXUALITY AND REPRODUCTION
- AMONG THE BORG
- A Paper for the Federation Conference on
-
- PRODIGY(R) interactive personal service 06/28/93 0:16 AM
-
- Research of the Borg Life Form
- presented by:
- Matthew D. Schmitt
- (GEnie:M.SCHMITT4)
- Recently, there has been quite a bit of discussion and
- even argument over the role of sex and sexuality in Borg
- society. Is there male? Is there female? Neither? Both?*
- In an attempt to look at these issues more clearly,
- let's take a moment to step back, take a look at what we
- _know_, and see what conclusions we can draw from that. For
- this discussion, I will therefore limit myself only the
- established facts and experiences gained from the three
- encounters of the starship _Enterprise_ with the Borg,
- rather than some of the wild speculation of fiction that
- has appeared in recent times, or the purely military
- encounter at Wolf 359.
-
- (continued page 2) *
- PRODIGY(R) interactive personal service 06/28/93 0:17 AM
-
- GAMES BB
- TOPIC: STAR TREK RPG A-S
- TIME: 06/27 7:34 AM
-
- TO: KYM MASERA TABORN (HCMH17A)
- FROM: KYM MASERA TABORN (HCMH17A)
- SUBJECT: BORG RIF #9 (O6/93)
-
- RIF #9 (June 1993), PAGE TWO
- The most telling evidence comes from their first
- encounter. At that time, the mysterious Q entity made the
- only direct comment on the subject of sex: "Not a he, not a
- she." How can we argue with this?
- Unfortunately, there _is_ counter evidence, at least of
- a sort. From visual records of the Away Team missions from*
- the _Enterprise_ to Borg vessels, it is quite obvious that
- there are members of the Borg crew that display distinctly
- male outward characteristics, _and_ female ones. How can we
- reconcile this fact with the Q entity's statement that they
- are neither male nor female?
- Out best theories indicate that the Borg were once a
- humanoid race, similar to us today. Even if there has been
- large amounts of evolution since then, natural or forced,
- it is reasonable to expect that there would be at least
- some vestiges of sexuality in their genetic makeup from
- that time, giving various members of their society male *
- and female characteristics. In addition, various
- assimilated races surely have not had the time to evolve
- away from their sexual origins physically, another source
- of such characteristics.
- The true determination, though, of being male or female,
- comes from reproduction. How is it carried out? Is it a
- mating process, or something else? Unfortunately, we have
- no direct evidence in this regard. It is known that the
- Borg do reproduce, and that the young grow to maturity in
- the same manner as most other humanoids, except of course
- that they receive computer implants at a very early age. *
- But that still leaves us with the seemingly unanswerable
- question of how the reproduction itself is carried out.
- Nevertheless, we can draw some logical conclusions. We
- know that the Borg have almost no sense of self. Therefore,
- it is difficult to conceive of such a society having
- couples pair off for mating purposes, even if regimented.
- We also know that they have a very advanced technology,
- including an advanced knowledge of cellular function in the
- body which has allowed them to implant machine parts and
- make them working parts of the whole body. Is it such a
- large jump of logic to assume that their offspring are so *
- called "test-tube babies" in perhaps the truest sense of
- the phrase? Certainly, they appear to have the level of
- technology necessary to combine genetic material, and grow
- a child completely outside the womb. There would then be no
-
- PRODIGY(R) interactive personal service 06/28/93 0:18 AM
-
- need to differentiate between male and female in their
- society -- genetic material could be sampled from more than
- one unit, regardless of whether they were physically or
- genetically male or female, and combined to form the
- genetic makeup of the new Borg. This is in keeping with
- both the Q entity's statement, the outward physical
- characteristics, and the lack of self and division present*
- in their society.
- In conclusion, it appears that there is neither male nor
- female in Borg society, though there are vestiges of that
- past in their appearance, and that their reproduction is
- carried out completely artificially.
-
-
-
-
-
- (continued page three) *
- PRODIGY(R) interactive personal service 06/28/93 0:28 AM
-
- ARTS BB
- TOPIC: SCIENCE FICTION
- TIME: 06/27 1:54 PM
-
- TO: KYM MASERA TABORN (HCMH17A)
- FROM: KYM MASERA TABORN (HCMH17A)
- SUBJECT: BORG RIF #9
-
- RIF #9 (June 1993), PAGE THREE
- HAIKU CORNER
- by Q2 (GEnie: J.Carey1/Prodigy: NNKT68B)
- <> for those who left because of the greed of $P$:
- Endings are upon us
- Greed severs lines of being
- Loneliness lingers *
- <> for the beauty in nature:
- Petals resplendent
- Pollen shining with the dew
- Life's resurgence calls
-
- <> for the Collective: (brand new)
- Merging with metal
- RIF echoes through snackbar
- Laughter infectious
-
- *
- BORG BOG
- (a neverending story)
- In a field in southern Scotland, a old farmer sets out to
- till a patch of land that he believes hadn't been planted
- in many years. Hitching his old mule to a brand new plow,
- he begins to work the land in the same way his father and
- grandfather had taught him. He takes pride in doing it the
- old way. After a couple of hours steering his mule the
- plow snags on something, stopping the mule dead in its
- tracks.
- Digging down to clear away what he believes must be a *
- root or a rock, he is startled to find a bit of black
- leather hooked under the plow. The old man speeds up his
- work hoping to have found something valuable, like some
- Roman coins or a bag of gold. He removes the dirt and
- exposes more leather, and a few metal bits attached.
- Perplexed, he grabs a handful of leather and pulls with all
- his might. He jumps back in horror as a bearded Borg sits
- upright out of the ground with the moist soil still
- clinging to his pale skin and tarnished implants. After a
- few buzzing and clicking sounds, the Borg turns to the old
- man and says, *
- "I am Arthurus,
- the Borg of the Bog.
- Wanna split a pizza and
- a few pints o' Guinness?"
-
- PRODIGY(R) interactive personal service 06/28/93 0:28 AM
-
- --Allofus of Borg (Prodigy:CXBV64F)
-
- Another rather nice looking Borg gallops up to the King,
- followed by some rather weird-looking fellow with a
- hunchback problem banging coconuts together. My liege, I am
- Sir Robinus, the not quite so brave as Sir Lancelotus. May
- I join your....er...oh. (we haven't gotten to that point *
- yet)
- ---Fracliclutus of Borg (Prodigy:FBJF52A)
-
- The once and future Borg! Where's the chick in the lake?
- ---Oxnardus of Borg
- (Prodigy:HCMH17A/GEnie:K.Taborn/NVN:Ktaborn)
-
-
-
-
- (continued page four) *
- PRODIGY(R) interactive personal service 06/28/93 0:29 AM
-
- ARTS BB
- TOPIC: SCIENCE FICTION
- TIME: 06/27 5:05 PM
-
- TO: KYM MASERA TABORN (HCMH17A)
- FROM: KYM MASERA TABORN (HCMH17A)
- SUBJECT: BORG RIF #9
-
- RIF #9 (June 1993), PAGE FOUR
- The farmer, not knowing who he was dealing with, naively
- lead Arthur to a nearby stream where he reasoned the Borg
- of the Bog could clean himself off. Upon reaching the
- water, Arthur began chanting something in what the old man
- thought was Latin but was really Borg.
- "Annal nathrax, usvabt bebtat, dachiel dienve." *
- "Annal nathrax, usvabt babtat, dachiel dienve."
- Suddenly, seemingly from everywhere, the old man heard a
- female chorus of humming and chanting. Looking for the
- source of the music, he spotted a beautiful lady in the
- still waters just beyond the Borg.
- As Arthur waded out into the water, clicking and beeping
- all the way, the lady held out an object which the man
- couldn't recognize. The Borg reached the lady, took the
- object, and the woman promptly disappeared with a knowing
- smile.
- Coming back to shore, Arthur held what looked *
- suspiciously like a light saber. The Borg shrugged at the
- old man and said, "Looks like that watery tart got her
- movies mixed up again. At least she's not lobbing
- scimitars this time! Now, about that pizza and beer."
- The old man vowed never to plow another field as long as
- he lived.
- ---Allofus of Borg (Prodigy:CXBV64F)
-
- A Good Looking Borg then Rides up on Horseback, in very
- Shiny Borg Implants. I am Sir Lancealotus. I have never
- been defeated in Battle. *
- Lancealotus
- ---Swannox of Borg (Prodigy:HCMH17F)
-
- Arthur, the Borg of the Bog, sizes up the shiny Borg on
- horseback and decides that he is fit for a place in his
- round cubicle. Throwing his chest implants out, Arthur
- booms, "I seek the FINEST and the BRAVEST knight-borgs in
- all the galaxy to join me in my Cube at Camelot... you have
- proved yourself worthy... will you join me?" Arthur's
- implants click and whir as he waits for the answer.
- ---Allofus of Borg (Prodigy:CXBV64F) *
- The Rather Fertial and Shiny Borg, Steps down from his
- horse and kneels to one knee. "You Are King, You and the
- Galaxy are one!"
- Sir Lancealotus
-
- PRODIGY(R) interactive personal service 06/28/93 0:29 AM
-
- ---Swannox of Borg (Prodigy:HCMH17F)
-
- Obviously you haven't met me.
- <Battlelus in bedus> <Notus!!>
- ---Opras of Borg (Prodigy:CRWV57B)
-
- *
- Arthurus of Borg steps forward, drawing his light saber
- and says, "What's your name again?" The kneeling shiny
- Borg answers, "I am Launcelotus, my Liege." Allofus
- activates his light saber and gently sizzles one shoulder,
- then the other. "I dub you... SIR Launcelotus." The
- tarnished King booms, "Knight of the Round Cubicle."
- And the continuum rejoiced with pizza and mead.
- ---Allofus of Borg (Prodigy:CXBV64F)
-
-
- (continued page five) *
- PRODIGY(R) interactive personal service 06/28/93 0:30 AM
-
- ARTS BB
- TOPIC: SCIENCE FICTION
- TIME: 06/27 8:40 PM
-
- TO: KYM MASERA TABORN (HCMH17A)
- FROM: KYM MASERA TABORN (HCMH17A)
- SUBJECT: BORG RIF #9
-
- RIF #9 (June 1993), PAGE FIVE
- Another rather nice looking Borg gallops up to the King,
- followed by some rather weird-looking fellow with a
- hunchback problem banging coconuts together. My liege, I
- am Sir Robinus, the not quite so brave as Sir Lancelotus.
- May I join your....er...oh. (we haven't gotten to that
- point yet) *
-
- ---Fracliclutus of Borg (Prodigy:FBJF52A)
-
- The Borg of the Bog turns to "Brave" Sir Robin and says,
- "You may join us, if we may eat your minstrils this
- winter."
- Arthurus of Borg
- -burp.
- ---Allofus of Borg (Prodigy:CXBV64F)
-
- Of course, Sire, the lead singer likes to get my goat *
- anyway. Say, aren't we due to get a quest from the Lord
- anytime now? I like it when the angels are playing
- trumpets out their <bleeps>
- Sir Robinus
- ---Fracliclutus of Borg (Prodigy:FBJF52A)
-
- Lancelotus rises and grabs his sword and holds it high and
- yells "WE SERVICE YOU MY LORD!"
- SIR Lancelotus
- ---Swannox of Borg (Prodigy:HCMH17F)
- *
- "Arthur! Arthur... The once and future Borg... Oh, do
- stop those implants from clicking, will you!!!??? I hate
- those clicky things. They're soooo... cliquish!" The Borg
- Knights and their leader become completely silent.
- "Right, okay... Arthur, Borg of the Bog, your knights of
- the round cubicle shall have a task to make them an example
- in these funky times..."
- Arthurus steps forward and says, "What a really boffo
- idea!" Upon finishing his statement the Borg of the Bog is
- promptly hit by lightning. "Hey! That felt GOOD!" says
- the smoldering Borg king energetically. *
- The voice continues, "Behold, Arthur, this is the holy
- toothbrush." An image of a really old and moldy toothbrush
- appears in the sky. "Look well, Arthur... for it is your
- sacred task to seek this Toothbrush. That is your purpose,
-
- PRODIGY(R) interactive personal service 06/28/93 0:30 AM
-
- the Quest for the Holy Toothbrush." The of the toothbrush
- vanishes and all is silent until Sir Robinus starts
- clicking and whirring again.
- "Well, anyone got any ideas on where to start?" the Borg
- King asks his shiny Knights.
- ---Allofus of Borg (Prodigy:CXBV64F)
- *
- Join me in the Quest for the Holy Toothbrush.
- ---Allofus of Borg (Prodigy:CXBV64F)
-
- "Me? Well, I'm here to see the best-looking male borg."
- ---Opras of Borg (Prodigy:CRWV57B)
-
- THE TOOTHBRUSH, WE MUST FIND THE BRUSH!
- Sir Lancelotus
- do we have the holy toothpaste?
- ---Swannox of Borg (Prodigy:HCMH17F)
- (continued page six) *
- PRODIGY(R) interactive personal service 06/28/93 0:32 AM
-
- GAMES BB
- TOPIC: STAR TREK RPG A-S
- TIME: 06/27 4:59 PM
-
- TO: KYM MASERA TABORN (HCMH17A)
- FROM: KYM MASERA TABORN (HCMH17A)
- SUBJECT: BORG RIF #9 (O6/93)
-
- RIF #9 (June 1993), PAGE SIX
- We don't know if we actually have the Holy Toothpaste.
- We believe it's a crumpled tin of "Aim" that was found in a
- sealed cave near the ancient city of Decayus. Recent
- research theorizes that "Aim" is actually an acronym for
- "Atrociously Irreverent Mission."
- Arthurus *
- -Borg of the Bog
- ---Allofus of Borg (Prodigy:CXBV64F)
-
- Hey baby, what do looks matter when I could make you
- QUEEN!!
- Arthurus, Borg of the Bog
- -hubba hubba
- ---Allofus of Borg (Prodigy:CXBV64F)
- [finally noticing Opras)
-
- Really? *
- Opras <EBGTB>
- <EVEN BIGGER GRIN THAN BEFORE>
- ---Opras of Borg (Prodigy:CRWV57B)
-
- Hello...I`m going to seek for the Holy Arsenal.....
- containing the Holy Howitzer,the Hole Hand Grenade,and the
- Holy CDs in which the Holy Metallic-Master of Puppets,Holy
- Ride the Lightning,and Holy Eric Clapton-Unplugged.........
- oh,and of course....the Holy Disembodied Limb.Who wants to
- help?
- Locutus/Sir Galahanalotus *
- ---Locutus of Borg (Prodigy:KPBK65E)
-
- BORG LIBRARY LISTS
- Borg Best Seller List
- The Borg by John Grishborg
- The Borg of Madison County by Robert Walborg
- B is for Borg by Sue Grafborg
- All the Pretty Borg by Cormac McCarborg
- The Children of Borg by P.D. Borg
- Women Who Run With the Borg by Clarissa Borg
- The Way the Borg Ought to Be by Rush Limborg *
- The Talismans of Borgnnara by Terry Borg
- Borging Hour by Anne Ricborg
- Rising Borg by Michael Criborg
-
-
- PRODIGY(R) interactive personal service 06/28/93 0:32 AM
-
- These and other titles available at the Borgaritaville
- Public Library. Requests taken. Storytime 10 am Wed and
- Fri.
- ---Lucretia Borgia, Head Librarian (GEnie: K.Vonmayr/
- Prodigy:MBJM54B)
-
- *
- BORG COMICOGRAPHY
- "The Worst of Both Worlds:
- Part Two: The Belly of the Beast"
- Part two of four parts.
- STAR TREK: THE NEXT GENERATION, No. 48 (July 1993).
- 24pg. DC Comics. Writer: Michael Jan Freidman. Penciller:
- Peter Krause. Inker: Pablo Marcos. Letterer: Bob Pinaha.
- Colorist: Julianna Ferriter. Editor: Alan Gold.
-
-
- (CONTINUED PAGE SEVEN) *
- PRODIGY(R) interactive personal service 06/28/93 0:33 AM
-
- GAMES BB
- TOPIC: STAR TREK RPG A-S
- TIME: 06/27 8:33 PM
-
- TO: KYM MASERA TABORN (HCMH17A)
- FROM: KYM MASERA TABORN (HCMH17A)
- SUBJECT: BORG RIF #9 (O6/93)
-
- RIF #9 (June 1993), PAGE SEVEN
- CHARACTERS (identified in text): Picard, Worf, Ro, Bev
- Crusher, LaForge, Troi, Riker, Data, Miles, Keiko & Molly
- O'Brien. Alternative Universe: Riker, Worf, LaForge,
- O'Brien, Locutus, Shelby, Wes Crusher.
- SYNOPSIS: The Alternative Universe Away Team (Shelby,
- Miles O'Brien and Wesley) takes over the Enterprise. *
- Shelby talks mutiny in part because the alternative
- universe (AU) Enterprise Saucer section was lost in battle
- and because it annoys her that Capt. Riker is playing it
- safe. Shelby also realizes that because the real Enterprise
- won that Keiko and Dr. Crusher are still alive in our time
- line.
- Aboard the AU Enterprise, the Bridge Crew decides to
- help Capt. Riker in his battle against the Borg. Personnel
- are exchanged and Bev. Crusher and Keiko meet the AU
- Wesley and O'Brien. A lot of soul searching goes on: Bev
- sees how mature and hard of a man that the AU Wesley has *
- become, due in part because in the AU Bev, was at Star
- Fleet Medical after the Borg won the war. AU O'Brien sees
- his child that he never knew in the AU.
- The AU Laforge and Laforge set up Data's lab to
- attempt to capture Locutus and link Data to the Borg
- Collective. The AU Laforge has a lot of hostility toward
- the Borg. The AU Laforge is even hostile toward Data, then
- Ro defends Data claiming that he is not like the Borg.
- [Editor's note...Ro obviously didn't this season's
- cliffhanger of ST:TNG!!!].
- *
- Capt. Riker and AU Worf discuss what went wrong during
- the attack on the AU Borg. They didn't use an antimatter
- spread, thus the shuttle was attacked. Worf survived, but
- the AU Data didn't. Shelby gloats because that was her
- idea.
- Capt. Picard and Data using the same technique, assault
- the AU Borg Cube with the two Enterprises. Data and Picard
- make it aboard the Cube, however the AU Locutus is not to
- be found.
- ---Swannox of Borg (Prodigy:HCMH17F)
- *
- LITERARY SIGHTINGS
- VENDETTA
- by Peter David
- Please note: this is not a book review, but a criticism.
-
- PRODIGY(R) interactive personal service 06/28/93 0:33 AM
-
- VENDETTA was the first time the Borg appeared in the
- novel universe of Star Trek. The book attempts to link the
- original television show (Star Trek) with the Next
- Generation Universe (Star Trek: the Next Generation). The
- first linkage of the two appears in the form of a history
- lesson at Starfleet during the years Picard was a student.
- The class is discussing the Planet Killer that Capt. James*
- T. Kirk encountered in "The Doomsday Machine" [editor's
- note: It was the big ice cream cone-shaped machine floating
- in space devouring solar systems and eventually eating
- Commodore Decker (William Windom) who was Capt. Decker's
- father (Captain Decker was played by Stephen Collins in
- Star Trek: The Motion Picture...the guy who merged with the
- bald Delta along with V-Ger...remember now?)]. Picard has
- visions of a woman during this time who he will see again.
-
-
- (CONTINUED PAGE EIGHT) *
-
- PRODIGY(R) interactive personal service 06/28 10:52 PM
-
-
-
- =============== Reply 1 of Note 1 =================
-
- BOARD: GAMES BB
- TOPIC: STAR TREK RPG A-S
- SUBJECT: BORG RIF #9 (O6/93)
-
- TO: HCMH17A KYM MASERA TABORN DATE: 06/28
- FROM: HCMH17A KYM MASERA TABORN TIME: 12:00 PM
-
- RIF #9 (June 1993), PAGE EIGHT
- The second linking to the original show is when the Borg
- Encounter a Planet Killer. This one however is Piloted by
- Delcara, a woman who wants revenge on the destruction of
- her race. The Borg Cube didn't survive the assault. This
- book introduces and explores more of the Borg Mythos.
- A female Borg is captured, and after she is converted *
- back to human, she wants to become Borg again (which is
- contradicted by I Borg, in which Picard stats that a Borg
- can not be converted back.). A Ferengi is assimilated by
- the Borg (must have had a line on chex-mix) and the mention
- of Borg space and a possible origin area is touched on. The
- Tholians even make an appearance, asking for Spock the
- lying Vulcan while trying to fend off the Borg. Commander
- Shelby is also a part of this book, as the Commander
- aboard the U.S.S Chekov, under the command of Capt. Korsmo,
- a rival of Picard during the Academy days (who by the way
- has envy of Picard.) *
- A massive battle ensues between the Planet Killer/
- Starfleet Alliance and the Borg Cubes.
- ---Swannox of Borg (Prodigy:HCMH17F)
-
- EDITOR NOTICES
- The Borg Club is located on GEnie at SFRT2, Category 37,
- Topic 20; on Prodigy at the Games BB, Star Trek RPG A-S,
- under the "Borg" and "Cyborg" subjects, AND at the Arts BB,
- Science Fiction, under the "Borg" subjects; and on NVN at
- the Science Fiction Forum (GO SCIFI), [Forum # 57], on the
- Message Base, Topic 10 "FANS", starting with message # *
- 10603 . RIF is distributed as a post on Prodigy in both the
- Games BB and the Arts BB. It had been distributed on GEnie
- by e-mail, but with the new rates change on July 1st of
- this year, we will attempt to post it and see what happens.
- If the sysops do not allow it to be posted, then we will
- offer it as a subscription e-mail. We have heard that NVN
- is more liberal than GEnie, so hopefully we can post RIF
- publicly there as well.
- We are researching on how to get this newsletter and the
- Borg Club on FidoNet and other national and local
- electronic BBS networks. If anyone has any feedback about *
- this, please contact either Kym or Marian. We have compiled
- quite a few national and area BBS number listings and we
- could probably find you a local BBS which might be carrying
- the Star Trek echos of a network or even have their own
- local board. Ask and we will help you.
- Our program of the assimilation of BBS across the nation
- is coming along faster than we planned, so it is becoming a
- bit confused. Please bear with us as we expand further into
- Sector 0,0,1.
- The length of the newsletter has been cut in half in
- order to accommodate all the different types of systems we*
- will be appearing on. RIFs 1 through 8 will still be
- available but they will be distributed in smaller files.
- Members who wish information on how to enroll into GEnie
- and get a copy of Aladdin, a freeware managing program for
- GEnie; OR how to enroll into Prodigy and get a copy of a
- shareware managing program for Prodigy; OR how to enroll
- and navigate around NVN, please contact Kym Masera Taborn
- (Prodigy:HCMH17A/GEnie:K.Taborn/ NVN:Ktaborn) or Marian
- Samuels (Prodigy:NRCR88A/GEnie:M.Samuels1/ NVN:Msamuels).
-
- (CONTINUED PAGE NINE) *
-
- PRODIGY(R) interactive personal service 06/29 10:40 PM
-
-
-
- =============== Reply 1 of Note 1 =================
-
- BOARD: GAMES BB
- TOPIC: STAR TREK RPG A-S
- SUBJECT: BORG RIF #9 (O6/93)
-
- TO: HCMH17A KYM MASERA TABORN DATE: 06/29
- FROM: HCMH17A KYM MASERA TABORN TIME: 10:17 PM
-
- RIF #9 (June 1993), PAGE NINE
- COPYRIGHT NOTICES
- "RIF" acknowledges that Paramount Pictures and its various
- subsidiaries as having the sole rights to the Star Trek
- trademark. "RIF" has no intention to infringe upon that
- copyright or earn profit from this publication. It is
- distributed free of charge. "RIF" also acknowledges the
- Prodigy Services, General Electric, and NVN copyrights.
- This newsletter may be distributed by anyone if kept *
- intact and not altered in anyway. Consider it shareware
- publishing! Resistance is Futile, copyright (c) 1993 by Kym
- Masera Taborn and Marian Lee Samuels.
-
- SOLICITATIONS FOR NEXT NEWSLETTER
- The next Resistance is Futile will be released on or about
- July 15, 1993 (yeah, right!). Send submissions to Kym
- Masera Taborn (GEnie:K.Taborn/Prodigy:HCMH17A/NVN:Ktaborn)
- OR Marian Samuels (GEnie:M.Samuels1/Prodigy:NRCR88A/
- NVN:Msamuels). "RIF" is a non-profit fan publication. All
- submissions for publication should be sent to the editors.*
- The editors retain editorial control and reprint privileges
- over the submitted materials and reserve the right to use
- the material in whatever way they deem appropriate.
- Submitted materials will not be returned to the sender.
-
- BACK ISSUES OF RIF AVAILABLE
- Missing an issue? Used your RIF for a place mat or coaster
- one time too many? Just e-mail Kym Masera Taborn (GEnie:
- K.Taborn/ Prodigy:HCMH17A/NVN:Ktaborn) and that abused
- issue will be replaced. Please indicate which issue you
- desire. At this time, the issues available are numbers 1 *
- (May 1992) through 9 (June 1993).
-
- ----THE END ----
-
- What follows is RESISTANCE IS FUTILE, issue no. 10 (July
- 1993). Please do not post any notes in this chain. This
- chain will be reserved for RIF. I will post a new page
- when-ever I notice the previous page has been posted.
- Thank you for your corporation (heh heh).
-
- BORG CLUB MEMBERSHIP SERVICES *
- _____________ ____________ ____________
- * / R \ */ \ */ \
- * | E ______ | *\____ ____/ *| ________/
- * | S |******| | ****| |*** *| F |********
- * | I | *| | *| | *| U |____
- * | S ~~~~~~~ / *| I | *| T \
- * | T ____ \ *| S | *| I ____/
- * | A |*** \ \ *| | *| L |***
- * | N | * \ \ ___*| |____ *| E |
- * | C | * \ \/ \ *| |
- * \__E_/ * \___/______________/ *\____/ *
- THE OFFICIAL ORGAN OF THE GALACTIC BORG CONSCIOUSNESS
- ISSUE NUMBER 10
- July 1993
-
- ===========================================
- HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO BIG CAHUNA ISSUE
- ===========================================
- Yes! It's that time of year again. This RIF is being
- released ONE WHOLE DAY EARLY in honor of the birthday of the
- Big Cahuna, Supreme Borg, Big Taco (or whatever she calls
- herself these days) Radioactivus of Borg on July 14th!!!
- * Such excitement this newsletter rarely sees. Obviously we
- are trying to suck up to the big cahuna and also the fact
- that SHE IS AN EDITOR (wow! sucking up to yourself...WHAT AN
- EGO!!!), the whole current political scene of the borg club
- international becomes painfully apparent (not to mention our
- incredible command of the English language ... you will be
- amazed, but we are native speakers!!!). This mini-editorial
- is of course written by OXNARDUS, the Supreme Borg would
- never be so egotistical as to write her OWN laudatory
- praise. Therefore, Supreme Borg Radioactivus, from the
- entire collective: TE LAUDAMUS et TE SPOOAMUS. *
- =============
- FROM ONE SIDE
- =============
- Writing first columns are always difficult. You worry
- about whether or not you'll be accepted, or ridiculed, or
- what. And what do you say your first time? You can't refer
- to past columns, because, of course, you haven't written
- any. Hopefully, this first column will disprove everything
- I've just said, besides describing From One Side in detail.
- From One Side will appear (hopefully) in every
- "Resistance Is Futile" issue in the future. Each time, From*
- One Side will deal with a topic of supposed importance to
- Borg minds.
- From One Side is not written by a Borg, but by a Bajoran
- from the Genie cube. From One Side appears in several cubes,
- perhaps five or six. Specifically, From One Side also deals
- with issues like not being a Borg in a world of Borgs, and
- also what it's like living in just one cube, just one
- section, millennium after millennium after millennium...you
- get my point.
-
- CONTINUED PAGE TWO... *
-
- RESISTANCE IS FUTILE, Page two July 1993
- From One Side will also have such things as polls in
- certain cubes (some polls must be relayed by intra-cube
- Borg). Interviews done via e-mail and then written into From
- One Side are also possibilities for the column.
- Another problem with first columns is not knowing how
- long to make the column. I'm starting out with 28 *
- including the title and signoff, but that's simply an
- arbitrary number. Once polls and interviews are
- incorporated into From One Side, the length will grow.
- ---Ti'nae Seyan, Genie cube (GEnie:STAR)
- =============
- ADVERTISEMENT
- =============
- Enter a place that B.B. Kingus called "The Only Place to
- Order a Drink and get assimilated all in the same night"
- The Club that John Lee Hookerus called "The Must Club to
- get accosted by the drop dead beautiful Bouncer with the *
- pointed ears!" It's the Borg Blues Club, Come visit today
- and see what all the excitement is about.
- =================================
- BORG SIGHTINGS IN OTHER UNIVERSES
- =================================
- [This interchange is an example of what happens when Borg
- try to discuss STNG is an adult and intelligent manner. It
- was found on Prodigy, TV BB, Star Trek topic.--eds.]
-
- I firmly believe that Spot will find Data in the shower in
- part 2. *
- ---Olympius, theoretical Borg, in a rare appearance
- (Prodigy:DPNV14B) [Olympius is referring to the season
- cliff-hanger ending of the 6th season of STNG. "Descent Part
- 1", where Data goes off to play with the bad borgs.--ed.]
-
- What will Data be doing in the shower?
- --Swannox (Prodigy:HCMH17F)
-
- Why, washing off the Pepsi, of course.
- ---Olympius, or perhaps testing the waters, just as we. *
- No wonder Data turned evil! Pepsi could kill you!!
- ---Swannox, Cola War III? <G>
-
- But has Data turned evil, or has he just calculated that the
- way to defeat the bad new Borg (obviously the renegade ones
- who keep coming into the Blues Club and trying to pick
- fights) was to go to the center of their operations and
- discover the programming error? *
- ---Olympius- the programming error here is we don't get new
- episodes until Saturday.
- *
- You are too optimistic. Data's rotten through and through.
- ---Oxnardus of Borg, Knows that the Borg have a bad
- influence (Prodigy:HCMH17A)
-
- What an Error you have in your broadcast pathways! It's a Q
- fest this Saturday,6:00 P.M. DS9 (Q episode)
- 7:00 P.M. TNG (Picard Dies/Q episode)
- ---Swannox, thinks that Spot is the mastermind to this whole
- plan!-
-
- CONTINUED PAGE THREE *
-
- RESISTANCE IS FUTILE, Page three July 1993
- Data's rotten through and through? But then if Lore is his
- bad self, does that mean he's the opposite of bad, or that
- he's bad at being rotten, or that her just that much worse?
- ---Olympius, help us here, we're finding the logic grueling
-
- We always knew that cat was much too innocent looking to be
- convincing.
- --Olympius, our cats hate poetry
-
- Nope, Lore and Data are now one. They are joined at the hip
- or whatever. The Brothers Soong. Sounds like a vaudeville
- act.
- ---Oxnardus, Borg Political Commentator
-
- But, If they're BOTH bad, then where's the dramatic
- tension? Will we see them reduced, eventually, to
- squabbling over the leadership, making personal insults
- about each others positronic pathways, and attributing
- false quotes each to the other?
- ---Olympius, isn't that what happens when there's two bad
- guys?
-
- 1. The dramatic tension is in the E* good guys trying to
- make them both into good guys.
- 2. They both still have an off-switch, don't they? And who
- among the E* crew is likely to be good with a slingshot?
- Just two well-aimed rocks in the middles of their backs
- should turn them both off.
- 3. Howcum nobody reacted to my note on the games bb about
- using the vampire clouds against the Borg? They were from
- the TOS episode, "Obsession."
- 4. Actually the Borg ALREADY look like hi-tech vampires!<g>
- ---STEPHEN MENDENHALL (PRODIGY:MFNG88B)
-
- We don't go to the Game Club, we find it much too serious.
- Some Borg may be vampires, but we personally find Vampires
- rather rule-bound and incapable of spontaneous fun.
- ---Olympius of the Borg Psychological Institute
- We Think that Dr. Crusher is also involved, she likes Spot
- you know. But what gave it away was when Riker was
- watching the cat when Data was away a couple of episodes
- ago, Spot attacked Riker, must have stumbled into the cats
- grand plan!
- ---Swannox
-
- Of course Dr. Crusher is involved: she's always wanted to
- boil Picard alive, but has been hiding her hatred of him
- behind an insipid mask of friendship for years. She and
- Hugh have been involved in an sub-ethernet affair and are
- ready to run away to the Horsehead Nebula...
- ---Olympius, trapper of wild surmises
-
- That would mean that the Geordi thing is a part of this
- also, He didn't like it when Picard called His Pet Borg
- Hugh a lab rat, that and the fact that Picard has scored
- more with the ladies than he has!
- ---Swannox, the plot thickens!
-
-
- CONTINUED PAGE FOUR
-
- RESISTANCE IS FUTILE, Page four July 1993
- If Data's in the shower, he's obviously waiting for Spot <G>
-
- ---RKO (RICHARD OVERSTREET) (Prodigy:NXTJ07F)
-
- If the enterprising members of the Enterprise crew could get
- a handle on the homing signal that Soong used to summon Data
- (and the unwanted Lore), maybe they could swamp Lore's mind
- (which is a swamp in its own right) and lure him to his
- re-cycling into something useful--like, maybe, a bucket for
- Odo to sleep in. How many shape-shifters get to sleep in
- the mortal remains of a Soong-type android?
- ---RKO (RICHARD OVERSTREET) (Prodigy:NXTJ07F)
-
- Geordi may or may not be part of it; his motivations and
- characterization is so nebulous that we are having a hard
- time understanding what he is up to- so relentlessly
- positive it makes our maceratory implants ache. *
- ---Olympius, prefers the piquant to the sweet.
-
- We have noticed that it is the Star Trek Way never to waste
- any really solid enemies; if Lore is be-bucketed then they
- will either have to come up with an new bad guy (and more
- importantly one who will make them hire an additional actor)
- or write more alternate time-line scripts, which we believe
- will eventually cause the viewers to rise up and rebel and
- watch Marty Stouffer instead.
- ---Olympius, Borg Zoologician
- *
- Please--not Marty Stouffer!
- ---RKO (RICHARD OVERSTREET) (Prodigy:NXTJ07F)
-
- Well, we refuse to believe that anyone would be driven so
- far from intelligent behavior as to watch "Dr. Quinn,
- Medicine Woman".
- ---Olympius of there are LIMITS
-
- What about Wesley?
- ---Swannox, thinking that the weasel is upset about an extra
- year at Starfleet! *
-
- HEY, WE WATCH DR. QUINN!
- ---Dr Bones McBorg, I'm a Borg Dammit, not a Doctor!
- (Prodigy:HCMH17F)
-
- Swannox, we realize that as President you need to keep
- in touch with the tastes of the common people, but we hope
- if you WATCH Dr. Quinn you don't plan your week around it.
- About the Weasel, it is possible that he found the original
- Rebel Borg through a dating service, and has been
- assimilated into the Lore-Borg cube. But more probably he *
- met an attractive Borg in a sleazy bar somewhere and was
- seduced into a core memory dump which exposed all of the
- weaknesses of the Enterprise crew.
- ---Olympius , we know what the WC is.
-
-
-
-
-
-
- CONTINUED PAGE FIVE *
- RESISTANCE IS FUTILE, Page five July 1993
- I have solved it.
- Dr Crusher and Spot the Cat were upset that Hugh was going
- to be use as a lab rat. So the Cat and the Dr. decide that
- they are going to get Picard back, while planning this evil
- deed, the Dr. and the Cat are discovered by Geordi. Geordi,
- always so jealous of the Capt and his * ability to score
- with women, decides to help them out. So, They program Hugh
- with a program that turns them into, what they are now. In
- an unrelated incident, while in the backseat of a
- shuttlecraft with a rather attractive Borg Bimbette, weasel
- and his borg babe bump into Lore, who just happened to be
- dating that Borg Bimbette at the time. So Weasel decides to
- help Lore with his plan to Crush the Federation, in return,
- Dr. Crusher doesn't find out about the backseat. After a
- Core Download by the Borg Bimbette, Lore and Bimbette take
- off on their Borg Scooter heading for Earth, well they just
- happen to bump into the Hell's * Borg, a Borg Scooter Gang
- and they are ready to rumble, well Lore defeats the Bikers
- leader Oxnardus in a bad Picard Jokes Duel. Lore takes the
- bikers to this nifty pad he has and he names them all and
- makes them his pets, well at this time, the Hugh Boy shows
- up and really messes up the Collective with his Geordi/Spot
- Evasive Program. While Hugh is making the Borg into very
- bad boys, Lore figures a way to get revenge on his dear
- brother. Well, Spot beats him to it by placing some White
- Castle Burgers in Data's Brain, giving him the emotions.
- JUMPING AHEAD, the Captured Borg who was aboard the
- enterprise, who's mission* was to find Picards Head Cream
- discovers the Burger in Data's head and Microwaves it,
- giving Data some very bad thoughts. Well, Data comes back
- and seeing that Data is a hip boy now, Lore and Data make up
- and plan on crushing the universe!
- ---Swannox
-
- The only problem we see is that Weasel ever got anyshe, Borg
- or Cardassian or Horta into the backseat of anything Beverly
- would probably be pleased as punch, as she has given up on
- the idea of ever becoming a grandmother. *
- ---Olympius of old fashioned nurturing Starfleet officers.
-
- There are over 1,000 people aboard the Enterprise that can
- at any moment be drafted to play a good guy. So Data and
- Lore are bad. Data always bothered me anyways. Maybe a big
- earthquake will gobble them up.
- ---Oxnardus, wishful thinker and fashionably late...
-
- Oxnardus, there are many good guys, but we must remember the
- archetypical brother-vs-brother conflict has many
- existing storylines to follow, whereas we see little *
- chance of having Lore and Data become Jesse and Frank
- Cyberjames in space. Actually, now that we think of it,
- maybe that is a good idea.
- ---Olympius, but will Berman pay us for it?
-
- Boy you people will do anything to get on the bb. Do
- you people know how stuped you sound.
- ---comandor Hanson (Prodigy:VJTX62B)
-
-
- CONTINUED PAGE SIX *
- RESISTANCE IS FUTILE, Page six July 1993
- ===================
- POETRY CORNER
- Musings About Aging
- ===================
- (subtitled-"Where Do The Old Borgs Go?")
- by Analog the Android (GEnie:A.Doerr2)
- [Being an android, I chose to demonstrate my prowess with
- the literary arts by writing my musings in a PANTOUM, a
- Malayan poetry form.]
-
- Do androids ever look their age?
- I suppose they do for a while.
- They look a lot older at their birth,
- Yet look younger most of their lives.
-
- I suppose they do for a while,
- Look the age they actually are - *
- Yet look younger most of their lives.
- I doubt the Borg share the same fate.
-
- Look the age they actually are,
- Often the lot for organics and Borg.
- I doubt the Borg share the same fate
- As their parts of silicone and titanium steel.
-
- Often the lot for organics and Borg:
- To age as Father Time marches on.
- As their parts of silicone and titanium steel, *
- Find other spots to rest upon.
-
- To age as Father Time marches on -
- With arthritic joints and brittle bones.
- Find other spots to rest upon,
- Let the rest of the world pass.
-
- With arthritic joints and brittle bones,
- Does the aging Borg get these parts replaced?
- Let the rest of the world pass,
- I will contemplate this thought. *
- Does the aging Borg get these parts replaced?
- Wouldn't they end up like me?
- I will contemplate this thought -
- Where do the old Borgs go?
-
- Wouldn't they end up like me?
- Well, I haven't met one yet.
- Where do the old Borgs go?
- Do they have a retirement home?
-
- Well, I haven't met one yet. *
- I wonder what that means -
- Do they have a retirement home?
- Or do they depart as Soylent Green?
-
- I wonder what that means.
- Do they take shuttle tours of systems?
- Or do they depart as Soylent Green?
- Maybe they just hide when company comes.
-
-
- CONTINUED PAGE SEVEN *
- RESISTANCE IS FUTILE, Page seven July 1993
- Do they take shuttle tours of systems?
- What other things would an old Borg do?
- Maybe they just hide when company comes.
- I really wish someone would tell me.
-
- What other things would an old Borg do? *
- Do they enjoy their golden years?
- I really wish someone would tell me.
- Where do the old Borgs go?
-
- [Analog - not implying that any of the Borg here are old -
- just wondering why you never see old Borgs.]
- ========
- BETAVIEW
- ========
- by Deannus of Troy
- (GEnie: J.Niesen)
- Hello, Ladies and Gentlebeings, it is I, Deannus,
- bringing to you BetaView, a column on the Betazoids'
- perspective on Life in the Cube. As Sierra, my sister, and I
- are the only Betas in the cube [on GEnie], Oxnardus
- recruited us. Y'all know how shy Si is, so who got stuck
- with it? Me.
- 'Tis interesting to meet the different species- Tinae
- Seyan and Baja Ro, the resident Bajorans, T'Caer, our
- favorite Rihannsu lady, GQ, Q2, Q2U2, and all of the *Q, and
- of course, the Borg.
- I myself think that StarFleet made a grave mistake on *
- judging the Borg. Most of the Borg I've met are kind, gentle
- beings who would rather, as they said in the sixties, "Make
- Love, Not War." Take Lucretia, for instance. She would
- rather be reading John Grishborg, or some other author than
- assimilating some species! Same goes for Chats, who would
- rather have a redhead on his arm, (or other parts<G>) than
- killing innocent women and children. There's always Rialtus,
- who makes toothpicks, and Nocluetus, most of them, I sense,
- would rather play contact sports than fly around, taking
- chunks of planets. So I say, StarFleet- come to the Jiffy
- Cube sometime- and always remember...... *
- Resistance is futile. You will be inseminated.
- And that's The BetaView.
- ====================================
- SLUG TREK: THE UNDISCOVERED PLOTLINE
- ====================================
- Yet another continuing story...
- Starring:
- Mojo IV asCaptain Sean-Luc Escargot of the starship,
- Snail Trail
- Mr. Loste asCommander William T. Loste
- Nip asLt. Commander Nippon, the only asian
- android in the galaxy
- Dwarf asLt. Dworf, chief of security
- Msjuge asa lusty bartender in 7-UP (the ship's bar)
- Katana asCounselor Deanna Hermaphrodite(a Betamax)
- Alison Chains asDr. Busterly Crusher (I get the good looking
- woman, Pbbbt!)
-
-
- CONTINUED PAGE EIGHT *
-
- RESISTANCE IS FUTILE, Page eight July 1993
- Roland DeGraf asHimself, Chief Engineer (hell, he wrote the
- software [VBBS], why not?) (and, no, this is NOT a blind
- joke!)
- Psycho asChief Miles O'Psycho, transporter chief
- Mad Max asActing Admiral Weasly Crusher
- AsonJason asActing Admiral Weasly Crusher's mid season
- replacement
- Stranger as"Q"
- "Q" asMr. X
- Mr. X asStranger
-
- "Slugs.. the ultimate life form.
- These are the voyages of the starship, Snail Trail.
- Its 60 minutes a day mission with standard user access,
- To seek out bad puns and complications.
- To boldly go, where no cyberpunk has gone before!"
- *
- Captain Jean-Luc Escargot:
- Captains log, stardate 3:45am. We are currently en route to
- the If-I-Could-Walk-Like-That-I-Wouldn't-Need-Aftershave
- system to investigate Roman intrusions into the...
- Commander Nippon:
- Excuse me, you lowly round eyed dog, sir, but I believe you
- mean ROMULANS.
- Capt:
- Oh, sorry. grrr... Area, yeah, that's it, area. Mr. Crusher,
- status report. *
- Acting Admiral Weasly Crusher:
- I don't quite like your tone! I'll bust you down to
- henson...
- Capt:
- Oh, shut up. Lt. Dworf, status report?
- Dworf:
- I've got the stomach flu and my girlfriend is 3 weeks late.
-
- Capt:
- Aha, that's too bad. What've you got on the Romulans?
- Dworf: *
- Well, I'm taller, a better dancer, and much more fun to be
- with.
- Capt:
- Yes, I see. Counselor Hermaphrodite, what do you know about
- the Romulan brain.
- Counselor Deanna Hermaphrodite:
- I'll get you for this, Mojo. I don't know HOW you convinced
- me to put this damn dress on but when I get this stupid
- girdle off I'm gonna...
- Capt:
- Hey, Katana, just keep your PAYCHECK in mind. *
- Herm:
- Oh, ok.
- Capt:
- Commander Nippon, what's our ETA to If-I-could-walk-like-
- that-I-wouldn't-need-cologne?
- Nippon:
- That's AFTERSHAVE, you ugly inferior dog!!!
- Capt:
- What was that?
-
- CONTINUED PAGE NINE *
-
- RESISTANCE IS FUTILE, Page nine July 1993
- Nippon:
- You ugly inferior dog... SIR!
- Capt:
- That's better.
- <The Captain's comm badge beeps>
- Capt: *
- Yes?
- Dr. Busterly Crusher: <breathing heavily>
- I want you! What are you wearing! I want to feel your long,
- hard...
- CAPT:
- No! Uh, no, that's, uh, nice of you. Umm, I'll talk to you,
- uh... later.
- Doc:
- I'll be waiting...
- to be continued....
- ---Mojo IV #1 @8054 HogNET;#1 @1805004 VirtualNET; 1: 206/
- 2502 FidoNet
- =========================
- BORG LIBRARY LISTS
- TOP TEN LIST FOR THE WEEK
- =========================
- 1. The WereBorg of London by Brian Stableborg
- 2. The Borgkeepers by Chris Borgdien-Jones
- 3. Child of an Ancient Borg by Tad Williamborg
- 4. Shadow Borg by Dennis Etchiborg
- 5. Mostly Harmless Borg by Douglas Aborg
- 6. The Architecture of Desiring Borg by Mary Gentleborg *
- 7. The Borg in the Moon Must Die by Jeff Bredenborg
- 8. The Multiplex Borg by James P. Hoborg
- 9. A Dark and Hungry Borg Arises by Stephen R. Donaldborg
- 10. The Hollow Borg by Dan Simmborg
-
- These and other titles available at the Borgaritaville
- Public Library. Requests taken. Storytime 10 am Wed and
- Fri.
- ---Lucretia Borgia, Head Librarian (GEnie:
- K.Vonmayr/Prodigy: MBJM54B)
- *
- =====================
- QUESTION OF THE MONTH
- =====================
- Can One Borg Keep a Secret? Or Do They All Know It?
- ---Analog (GEnie:A.DOERR2)
-
- ==========
- THEATRE AD
- ==========
- A quiet summer street dances with streaks of sunlight.
- In the ruffled trees that line both sides, birds chirp *
- lightly as the sound mingles with the laughter of children.
- At first there comes a sound like the distant rumble of
- thunder. Then the birds instantly cease their happy
- song......all eyes turn towards the end of the
- block.....large yellow feathers suddenly float up into the
- air from behind a weathered fence.... the loud clang of
- metal on metal clamors as a large garbage can lid slams
- shut......then it becomes deathly quiet......
-
-
- CONTINUED PAGE TEN *
- RESISTANCE IS FUTILE, Page ten July 1993
- Impact tremors suddenly shake the ground as a large
- shadow looms over the usually happy town......
- And a deafening roar lets loose from the beast.......
- "KKKEEEEEEERRRRRRMMMMMIIIIIIEEEE!!!"
- ....yes, folks, it's....
- *
- NIGHTMARE ON SESAME STREET
- PART ONE
-
- "JURASSIC PORK"
-
- STARRING
-
- MISS PIGGY
- as the T-Rex sized velociporker
- KERMIT D. FROG
- as the Professor
- THE COUNT
- as Malcolm
- GROVER
- as the guy that knows about pork-by-products
- and what happens to the leftovers
- BIG BIRD
- as the attorney
- BERT AND ERNIE
- as the kids
- OSCAR THE GROUCH
- as the obnoxious computer hacker.
- YOU'LL LAUGH! YOU'LL SCREAM!
- YOU'LL LEARN HOW TO COUNT TO FOURTEEN!
- coming to a theater near you
- ================
- BORG FILMOGRAPHY
- ================
- "Descent Part One"
- Original airdate: 06/27/93. Teleplay by Ronald D. Moore.
- Story by Jeri Taylor. Directed by Alexander Singer.
- GUESTS: James Carver, Brian Cousins, Richard
- Gilbert-Hill, Stephen Hawking, John Neville, Natalija
- Nogulich * (Admiral), Jim Norton.
- PLOT: Teaser with Data playing poker with Newton,
- Einstein and Hawking in holodeck. Strangely enough, the name
- of the episode is displayed on the screen before the titles
- are run.
- The Enterprise responds to a distress beacon from an
- outpost. They encounter a very large ship of unknown design
- which appears to be abandoned. An away team consisting of
- Riker, Worf, Data and some unlucky chick go to outpost,
- discover all 200 inhabitants killed, and encounter some
- Borg. A battle ensues. The unlucky chick gets fried. A *
- borg and Data go mano a mano and the Borg gets Data in a
- hand grip. Data turns the tide and kills the Borg. Riker
- notes that one of the Borg is giving a running commentary of
- the fight out loud. After a Borg has fallen the Borg says
- loudly "Torsus was killed. I will make you suffer for this."
- Riker's ears perk up. Something is afoot with the
- collective!!! Severe personality changes!!! After Data
- wastes a Borg, the Howard Cosell Borg beams up to the big
- ship.
- RESISTANCE IS FUTILE, Page eleven July 1993
- Turns out the big ship was impervious to the Enterprise's
- sensors (uh oh! bad sign). The big ship then disappears.
- After the melee Data looks weird. Riker asks what's up. Data
- says that he got 'angry.'
- During the debriefing, Riker extrapolates that the Borg
- were rogue Borg. Worf adds that they were using the pronoun
- "I" a lot. Crusher hypothesizes that Hugh may have
- influenced the collective. Picard concludes that the Borg
- are no longer interested in technology, but that their
- agenda has changed...but to what??? Picard assigns everyone
- a little job and scoots off to inform Star Fleet of the
- situation (bad move Jean-Luc!!!).
- Geordi attempts to help Data figure out whether he really
- did get 'angry' at the Borg. Data is not satisfied by
- Geordi's help, so he hightails it over to Troi.
- Picard gets chewed out by a sarcastic Star Fleet Admiral
- for letting Hugh go. Picard is ordered to destroy the Borg*
- the very next opportunity he has. He was a bad boy and he
- knows it.
- Data and Troi get into a "profound" discussion on the
- nature of anger. Data reveals his "fear" of becoming a "bad"
- person (HEAVY HANDED FORESHADOWING ALERT) because he felt
- pleasure in bopping the borg.
- Meanwhile, the colonies and outposts are spooked and
- reporting every ship as a borg intruder. It's driving Picard
- and Riker nutszoid.
- Geordi discovers that the Borg disappeared by using a
- subspace distortion. Picard snaps at Riker and mulls over *
- his choice of letting Hugh go. He decides that although it
- was the ethical thing to do, it may not have been the right
- thing to do (yeah right Picard...everyone one knows that the
- ethical ALWAYS takes precedence over the non-ethical).
- Geordi goes looking for Data and finds Data in the
- holodeck beating up faux borg. Data is attempting to
- recreate his feeling of anger.
- The ship goes into red alert! MS1 is attacked by borg!
- Enterprise to the rescue! The Enterprise chases a big bad
- borg ship and are sucked into the subspace distortion field.
- Once out of the field, two borg beam on the bridge * (heck,
- why not..everyone else does!). The ever ready bridge crew
- shoot the borg. One is killed and another survives. Riker
- notes they are not vaporized. Picard notes is was a ruse to
- allow the big bad borg ship to get away (which it did!).
- The surviving borg is Croesus. He is detained in the
- detention area. Croesus talks to Picard about the new borg
- rage of destroying inferior organisms and how "The One"
- taught them all about it. When talking to Data. Croesus
- touches his arm and a green light goes on. Data gives a
- weird look. Croesus then talks Data into stealing a shuttle
- craft and becoming a homicidal maniac. They leave that pop
- stand. They never say in the scene what happened to the
- (most likely unfortunate) ensign operating the force field
- in the detention area. Worf discovers the breach and tries
- to bring back the shuttle, but the shuttle makes it to the
- subspace distortion field. The Enterprise follows the
- shuttle through it and to a planet which has a natural
- deterrent to sensors (uh oh, another bad sign).
-
-
- CONTINUED PAGE TWELVE *
- RESISTANCE IS FUTILE, Page twelve July 1993
- Picard leaves a skeleton crew on board with Crusher in
- command. He uses the rest of the crew to form search teams
- in order to search the surface of the planet.
- Picard, Geordi, Troi and an unlucky guy constitute a
- search team. They find a building in what looks like a
- wilderness area in South California. They enter the *
- building. They are surrounded by borg. The unlucky guy gets
- fried. Lore comes out, followed by Data who proclaims, "The
- sons of Soong have joined together and together we will
- destroy the Federation." Obviously, StarFleet was late one
- too many times with Data's paycheck. Picard, Geordi, and
- Troi look concerned at each other.
- =================
- BORG COMICOGRAPHY
- =================
- "The Worst of Both Worlds: The Armies of the Night"
- Part three of four parts *
- STAR TREK: THE NEXT GENERATION, No. 49 (August 1993).
- 24pg. DC Comics. Writer: Michael Jan Freidman. Penciller:
- Peter Krause. Inker: Pablo Marcos. Letterer: Bob Pinaha.
- Colorist: Julianna Ferriter. Editor: Alan Gold.
- CHARACTERS (identified in text): Picard, Data, Riker,
- Troi, Bev Crusher, Worf, Geordi. Alternative Universe:
- Riker, Worf, Geordi, Shelby, O'Brien, Wesley Crusher,
- Locutus.
- SYNOPSIS: The cover art gives the ending of this book
- away right away, with a Borg with a large blaster arm
- attachment blasting Worf. The cover reads ONE WILL DIE!. *
- Part 3 starts out with Picard and Date realizing that
- Locutus is not aboard the Borg Cube. In a scene identical to
- the escape Worf and Data made in the TV Episode "Best of
- Both Worlds Part 1", they flee the Borg Cube. Later aboard
- the AU (alternative universe) Enterprise, they discover that
- Locutus is on Earth. They plan to go down and infiltrate
- Starfleet HQ, turn the shield
- off and beam Locutus out. Later, Worf and AU Worf have a
- heart warming talk and make their way to the Transporter
- Room.
- Aboard THE ENTERPRISE, AU Shelby agrees to play decoy *
- while the away team is on Earth. She is still talking Mutiny
- and comments she has a ship of her own. However, AU O'Brien
- hits a button on the Ops panel (looked suspect) when AU
- Shelby alerts the crew to be ready for some independent
- action.
- On Earth, the landing party of Picard, Data, Riker and
- the two Worfs find that Starfleet HQ is now a conversion
- plant to turn humans into Borg. They make their way to
- Locutus, turn the shield off and grab Locutus, all the while
- blasting through Borg who have rather large arm blasters on
- both arms. While giving the order to beam up,* the landing
- party is split up a few feet and two Borgs blast toward the
- Worfs who are holding Locutus. The Last panel only show's a
- rather burned hand with Picard yelling Worf!
-
-
-
-
-
-
- CONTINUED PAGE THIRTEEN *
-
- RESISTANCE IS FUTILE, Page thirteen July 1993
- FROM THE EDITORS
- BIG MONDO CHANGES STILL IN STORE!!!
- The Borg Club is now on Prodigy, GEnie, and NVN. It is
- in the process of being introduced to some conferences on
- FidoNet, VirtualNet, and possibly HogNet. Also in the works
- is an Internet collective as well. The Borg Club has *
- doubled it's readership in the last three months and will
- most likely double again within the next few months or so.
- We welcome the first submission by a
- HogNet/VirutalNet/FidoNet member with the wonderful "Slug
- Trek". Mojo IV assured me that when he has time, he will
- have the Borg as guest stars soon. So you Borg purists,
- don't blow a fuse.
- EDITOR NOTICES
- The Borg Club is located on GEnie at SFRT2, Category 37,
- Topic 20; on Prodigy at the Games BB, Star Trek RPG A-S,
- under the "Borg" and "Cyborg" subjects, at the Arts BB, *
- Science Fiction, under the "Borg" subjects and at the TV
- BB, Star Trek under the "Borg" subjects; and on NVN at the
- Science Fiction Forum (GO SCIFI), [Forum # 57], on the
- Message Base, Topic 10 "FANS", starting with message #
- 10603 . RIF is distributed as a post on Prodigy in both the
- Games BB and the Arts BB and on GEnie in the Borg Club
- subject. On NVN, RIF is available for downloading from the
- Science Fiction File Library.
- We are still in the process of getting this newsletter
- and the Borg Club on FidoNet and other national and local
- electronic BBS networks. If anyone has any feedback about *
- this, please contact either Kym or Marian. We have compiled
- quite a few national and area BBS number listings and we
- could probably find you a local BBS which might be carrying
- the Star Trek echos of a network or even have their own
- local board. Ask and we will help you.
- Our program of the assimilation of BBS across the nation
- is coming along faster than we planned, so it is becoming a
- bit confused. Please bear with us as we expand further into
- Sector 0,0,1.
- Members who wish information on how to enroll into GEnie
- and get a copy of Aladdin, a freeware managing program for*
- GEnie; OR how to enroll into Prodigy and get a copy of a
- shareware managing program for Prodigy; OR how to enroll
- and navigate around NVN, please contact Kym Masera Taborn
- (Prodigy:HCMH17A/GEnie:K.Taborn/ NVN:Ktaborn) or Marian
- Samuels (Prodigy:NRCR88A/GEnie:M.Samuels1/ NVN:Msamuels).
- PUBLISHING & COPYRIGHT NOTICES
- RESISTANCE IS FUTILE ("RIF") is published and edited by
- Kym Masera Taborn (GEnie:K.Taborn/Prodigy:HCMH17A/NVN:
- Ktaborn) and Marian Samuels (GEnie:M.Samuels1/Prodigy:
- NRCR88A/NVN:Msamuels) for distribution on various national
- electronic services and local electronic BBS echos. *
- COPYRIGHT NOTICES: "RIF" acknowledges that Paramount
- Pictures and its various subsidiaries as having the sole
- rights to the Star Trek trademark. "RIF" has no intention
- to infringe upon that copyright or earn profit from this
- publication. It is distributed free of charge. "RIF" also
- acknowledges the Prodigy Services, General Electric, and
- NVN copyrights. This newsletter may be distributed by
- anyone if kept intact and not altered in anyway. Consider
- it shareware publishing! Resistance is Futile, copyright
- (c) 1993 by Kym Masera Taborn and Marian Lee Samuels.
- CONTINUED ON PAGE FOURTEEN *
- RESISTANCE IS FUTILE, Page fourteen July 1993
- SOLICITATIONS FOR NEXT NEWSLETTER
- The next Resistance is Futile will be released on or
- about August 15, 1993 (yeah, right!). Send submissions to
- Kym Masera Taborn (GEnie:K.Taborn/Prodigy: HCMH17A/NVN:
- taborn) OR Marian Samuels (GEnie:M.Samuels1/Prodigy:
- NRCR88A/NVN:Msamuels). "RIF" is a non-profit fan *
- publication. All submissions for publication should be sent
- to the editors. The editors retain editorial control and
- reprint privileges over the submitted materials and reserve
- the right to use the material in whatever way they deem
- appropriate. Submitted materials will not be returned to the
- sender.
- BACK ISSUES OF RIF AVAILABLE
- Missing an issue? Used your RIF for a place mat or
- coaster one time too many? Just e-mail Kym Masera Taborn
- (GEnie:K.Taborn/ Prodigy:HCMH17A/NVN:Ktaborn) and that
- abused issue will be replaced. Please indicate which issue*
- you desire. At this time, the issues available are numbers
- 1 (May 1992) through 10 (July 1993).
-
- ----THE END ----
-
- What follows is RESISTANCE IS FUTILE, issue no. 11
- (August 1993). Please do not post any notes in this chain.
- This chain will be reserved for RIF. I will post a new page
- whenever I notice the previous page has been posted.
- Thank you for your corporation (heh heh).
-
- BORG CLUB MEMBERSHIP SERVICES
- _____________ ____________ ____________
- * / R \ */ \ */ \
- * | E ______ | *\____ ____/ *| ________/
- * | S |******| | ****| |*** *| F |********
- * | I | *| | *| | *| U |____
- * | S ~~~~~~~ / *| I | *| T \
- * | T ____ \ *| S | *| I ____/
- * | A |*** \ \ *| | *| L |***
- * | N | * \ \ ___*| |____ *| E |
- * | C | * \ \/ \ *| |
- * \__E_/ * \___/______________/ *\____/
- THE OFFICIAL ORGAN OF THE GALACTIC BORG CONSCIOUSNESS
- ISSUE NUMBER 11
- August 1993
- ================
- FROM THE EDITORS
- ================
- RIF has changed it's release date to the first of the
- month. Therefore, submissions for the next RIF must be
- received by the 15th of the previous month of the issue for
- it to be considered for admission.
- I know it is early, but I want everyone to think about
- it. The 17th issue of RIF will be the February issue.
- February, of course, is anniversary month for The Borg
- Club. It will be observed by being a double sized issue. It
- would be great if EVERYONE could participate. So, please,
- continue sending in your regular monthly submissions, but
- also start to plan your special submission for the boffo
- 2nd anniversary issue.
- In a couple of months, we will be coming out with a
- special issue of RIF. It will be the BEST OF RIF, v. 1. It
- will cover the best articles in RIF from it's first year.
- =======================
- YOU WILL BE ASSIMILATED
- =======================
- A monthly primer on Assimilation for the Beginner
- A feature by Swannox of Borg
- (PRODIGY:HCMH17F;Internet:swann1@muvns6.wvnet.edu)
- It seems to me that lately a few units have not been
- using proper protocol when encountering new lifeforms that
- are potential new sources of Raw Material and Technology.
- The following will help you become a better Borg, and
- facilitate that assimilation.
- 1. WE ARE BORG.
- You must first identify who you are, sometimes
- the name alone will make most lifeforms shake
- with fear.
- 2. YOU WILL SERVICE THE BORG.
- Be up front with the assimilatee. Let it know
- that you plan to make him/her an offer they
- cannot refuse.
- 3. PREPARE TO BE ASSIMILATED.
- Always let them know that they are about to join
- an exciting world of non-stop parties and good times.
-
- 4. RESISTANCE IS FUTILE.
- This is a two fold response. It is a standard reply to those
- lifeforms that want to cause trouble for the civilization
- that is about to become part of the borg. It is also a
- notification of subscription opportunities to the official
- newsletter of the borg.
- These are the basic standard greetings that should be
- used when preparing to assimilate a culture. As you become
- more adept at assimilation, you can add variations to the
- greetings, such as...
- SWANNOX:WE ARE SWANNOX OF BORG, PREPARE TO BE
- ASSIMILATED.
- Reply:We will never be assimilated.
- SWANNOX:RESISTANCE IS FUTILE, ALL WILL SERVICE THE BORG,
- DISARM YOUR WEAPONS AND PREPARE TO BE ASSIMILATED. ANY
- ATTEMPT AT INTERFERENCE AND YOU WILL BE DESTROYED."
- It's real simple once you do it a couple of times. In
- later issues, we will discuss the advanced technique. Next
- month we will discuss how to assimilate the lifeform in
- various situations. We will also take questions you might
- have about assimilation. Address all mail to Prodigy:
- HCMH17F or Internet: Swann1@muvms6.wvnet.edu, or in care of
- Kym Taborn (aka Oxnardus) (GEnie:K.Taborn/Prodigy:HCMH17A/
- NVN:Ktaborn/InterNet: k.taborn@genie.geis.com/FidoNet:
- Oxnardus 197 @1:206/2513//VirtualNet: Oxnardus 197 @1805020
- /WWIVNet:Oxnardus 115 @8500/ AnarchyNet:Oxnardus) and on
- other various networks. Be sure to state in your e-mail
- that your correspondence regards "You Will Be Assimilated."
- ===================
- POETRY CORNER
- ===================
- "Borgs"
- (adapted from "Chichens" but the sage Shannon Patrick, who,
- although very wise, couldn't spell "Chickens" right)
- by Hazel (Prodigy:PGNG45B)
-
- Borgs are cool
- Borgs are neat
- Borgs are also good to eat
-
- =======================================
- SLUG TREK 72: THE UNDISCOVERED PLOTLINE
- =======================================
- A neverending story...
-
- "Slugs.. the ultimate life form.
- These are the voyages of the starship, Snail Trail.
- Its 60 minutes a day mission with standard user access,
- To seek out bad puns and complications.
- To boldly go, where no cyberpunk has gone before!"
-
- Act 2: CAPTAIN ESCARGOT FINDS AN ALIEN TO FALL IN LOVE WITH
-
- Captain Jean-Luc Escargot:
- I really hope I'm doing this right, I've never made love to
- a half-Romulan, half-humpback whale...
-
- continued page THREE
-
- RESISTANCE IS FUTILE, Page three No. 11 August 1993
- Act 3: ENCOUNTER AT POINT-NOT-QUITE-SO-FAR-AWAY-AS-
- FARPOINT STATION.
-
- <Back on the Bridge>
- One of those guys in Red who the Alien Kills:
- Captain on the Bridge
- Capt:
- Thank you, thank you, no autographs, please...
- Acting Admiral Weasly Crusher:
- You insolent pup, I'll have you...
- Capt:
- Dammit, would somebody get him a Trill or something!
- William T. Loste:
- C'Mere, Weasly, time to teach you what being a MAN is all
- about... <drags him off into a closet>
- Capt:
- Lt. Dworf, status report.
- Lt. Dworf:
- Lakers vs Bulls, 14 to Nothing.
- Capt:
- Transporter room, status.
- <Cmd. Loste and Weasly stumble out of the closet>
- Miles O'Psycho:
- Huh-hu-hu-hu, Huh-hu-hu-hu... That was cool.
- Capt:
- I didn't quite get that, transporter room.
- Miles:
- Shut up, I'm busy!
- Capt:
- I'll have you busted down to...
- Miles:
- <Sings the guitar part on Stairway to Heaven>
- Capt:
- Dammit, Chief, I want some answers!
- Miles:
- Lets beam something!
- <Weasly Crusher disintegrates violently, followed by
- roaring applause>
- Capt:
- <sigh> Stupid, but effective. Bridge out.
- Lt. Dworf:
- Captain, I am reading an unidentified vessel approaching.
- Capt:
- Gee, who could it be this time? Klingons? Cardasians?
- Romans...
- Nippon:
- You pathetic rounded eyed dog, that's ROMULANS!!!
- Capt:
- What, didn't we give you enough lines already??? Anyway...
- Must be... Ferengi! Yeah, we haven't had a fight with the
- Ferengi in the long while... Not since Slug Trek 47:The
- Savings and Loan of Doom...
- Lt. Dworf:
- Sorry, sir. No such luck. Its definitely Borg.
- Capt:
- BORG??? Awwww, geez, haven't we beaten that to death yet?
- (god, I hope I don't get assimilated again I
- hated that they tried to staple a spine into me
- and...)
- CONTINUED PAGE FOUR
-
- RESISTANCE IS FUTILE, Page four No. 11 August 1993
- Dworf:
- The are hailing us.
- Capt:
- Open frequencies. <speaking aloud> I am Captain Jean-Luc
- Escargot of the Slightly-Less-Organized-Than-Somalia ship,
- Snail Trail...
- Borg:
- I AM BRAINY, OF BORG. YOU WILL BE SMURFED. SMURFING IS
- FUTILE.
- CAPT:
- NOOOOooOOOooOooooOOOoooooOOOooo!!!!!!!!
- to be continued...
- --Mojo IV #1 @8054 HogNET;#1 @1805004 VirtualNET;1:206/2502
- FidoNet
- =============
- ADVERTISEMENT
- =============
- You thought that the Pan Galactic Gargle Blaster was the
- most potent drink in the universe? Or the House specialty
- Blue Heaven was the drink so intoxicating that you would
- kiss a Ferengi? Well, you were wrong...
- Now Introducing, a drink so Powerful that your body will
- actually Go Warp Speed, enter Transwarp Speed and then go
- into Hyper Speed.
- It's HYPER BEER, and you can only get it at the BORG
- BLUES CLUB. Discovered by Wingus and Copyrighted by the
- Borg Blues Club TM.
- Hyper Beer will actually let your body experience what
- if feels like to go into Hyper Speed without the need of a
- vessel. HYPER BEER also allows the drinker to Fold into
- space, talk about a buzz! It's new, and it's only at
- Swannox's BORG BLUES CLUB.
- So what are you waiting for, come in and try it today!
- =========================
- BORG LIBRARY LISTS
- TOP TEN LIST
- CHILDREN'S BOOKS
- =========================
- 1. The Stinky Cheese Borg and Other Fairly Stupid Tales
- 2. Curious George and the Borg
- 3. Mrs. Frisbee and the Borg of NIMH
- 4. From the Mixed-Up Files of Mrs. Basil E. Borgwieler
- 5. The Borgenstain Bears and the Messy Room
- 6. Little Cube on the Prairie
- 7. The Cube at Pooh Corner
- 8. Go Borg Go
- 9. Ramona the Borg
- 10. Mike Mulliborg and the Steam Shovel
- These and other titles available at the Borgaritaville
- Public Library. Requests taken. Storytime 10 am Wed and
- Fri.
- ---Lucretia Borgia, Head Librarian (GEnie: K.Vonmayr/
- Prodigy: MBJM54B)
-
- CONTINUED PAGE FIVE
-
- RESISTANCE IS FUTILE, Page five No. 11 August 1993
- ==================================
- STAR TREK: THE NEXT (de)GENERATION
- WHERE NO SANE MAN WOULD GO
- ==================================
- Original source and author unknown.
- Contributed by Dragon [The Dragon's Realm - (805) 524-DRGN
- (3746) (42:1005/1203)] and reprinted from ZenTrek
- (AnarchyNet Sub moderated by Oxnardus of Borg
- (GEnie:K.Taborn/Prodigy:HCMH17A/ NVN:Ktaborn/InterNet:
- k.taborn@genie.geis.com/FidoNet:Oxnardus 197 @1:206/2513//
- VirtualNet: Oxnardus 197 @1805020 /WWIVNet:Oxnardus 115
- @8500/AnarchyNet:Oxnardus)
-
- PART ONE OF SIX:
-
- Captain's Log, Stardate 32768.0:
- After a particularly poorly written but nonetheless
- successful first season, the Enterprise has been assigned
- to do an exploratory survey of an unexplored quadrant
- nearest the center of the galaxy, in the hopes that
- something interesting will happen. On another note, I must
- admit that I am somewhat distressed at the seemingly random
- nature of these stardates I am required to quote. They
- remain a great mystery to me, despite the extensive
- research that was done on them nearly 400 years ago.
-
- Picard:Stop smirking, number one.
- Riker: I wasn't aware that I was, sir.
- Picard: You do, Riker. All the time. And stop leaning
- against things with your head hunched down
- between your shoulders.
- Riker: [Standing up straight for a change] Aye, sir.
-
- [ Tweedlesquirge ]
-
- Data: Captain, ship's sensors have detected a derelict
- spacecraft at extreme range.
- Picard: Analysis?
- Data: It's too far away for any meaningful scan, sir.
- Picard: Then how do you know it's a derelict?
- Data: I do not know, sir. I would speculate that it is a
- writer's error.
- Picard: Obviously. Well, let's rubberband our way over
- there and have a look at it. Geordi, set course.
- Geordi: Aye, sir. Three two two point eight nine mark four
- three....seven...and some other meaningful numbers.
- Picard: Engage.
-
- [ Purrdlefreezowp ]
- EXTERNAL SHOT:
-
- [ fwEESH!!! POOOWWWWWW!!!!! ]
-
- BRIDGE:
- Data: Approaching derelict craft.
- Picard: Scan it, Mr. Data.
-
- [ Blinkitydinkitydinkityzeerp ]
- CONTINUED PAGE SIX
-
- RESISTANCE IS FUTILE, Page six No. 11 August 1993
- Data: It appears to be an old Earth craft from the late 20th
- century.
- Picard: [Muttering]
- Not again....
- Data: It seems to be saucer-shaped, with little lights that
- spin around and around on the bottom,
- serving no other readily apparent function.
- Riker: I've got a bad feeling about this.
- Troi: Hey! That's MY line!
- Riker: Well, you dropped your cue....
- Picard: I will *not* have petty bickering on my bridge.
- Data: Awwww....
- Picard: Riker, put together an away team.
- Riker: Aye, sir. Geordi, Worf; come with me.
- [Shouting at ceiling]
- Lieutenant!
- Ceiling:OH, GOODIE!
- Picard: And don't bother to wear environmental suits, since
- they obviously have an oxygen-
- pressurized atmosphere over there.
- Riker: Of course, sir.
-
- [ Fade. Opening credits. Commercial for Ginsu Knives and
- a digital watch (if you order now), followed by a man
- accusing you of having gingivitis]
-
- Captain's Log, Stardate 32768.5:
- We have encountered a dippy-looking flying saucer.
- Riker, LaForge, and Worf are beaming over to investigate.
- While these plots always resolve themselves in 50 minutes,
- I nonetheless feel that this is going to be very
- unpleasant.
-
- INTERIOR, DERELICT SPACECRAFT. A DOME-ISH STRUCTURE IS IN
- THE MIDDLE THAT LOOKS VAGUELY LIKE A COMPASS. STEEL
- SQUARES ADORN ONE WALL, DESCENDING TO A LOWER LEVEL, RIGHT
- NEXT TO AN ELEVATOR. THE CAMERA PANS TO A CONTROL PANEL
- FILLED WITH SWITCHES AND FLASHING LIGHTS WHICH IS SET
- BEFORE A LARGE ORDINARY PLATE GLASS WINDOW WHICH LOOKS OUT
- INTO OPEN SPACE.
-
- [ FFFeeeeeerrrrrrrrzzzzzzzzsssshhhhhhhh! The away team
- appears.]
-
- Riker:[Tapping communicator]
- Down and safe.
- Worf: Uh, wrong series, sir.
- Riker: Ooops...
- Picard: Good, number one. Keep the channel open and
- continue to report.
- Riker: Aye, sir.
- Picard: And don't smirk.
- Riker: Yes, sir.
- Geordi: Sir, this doesn't make any sense. This is an
- ordinary plate glass window, and yet it looks out onto open
- space. It should shatter under the pressure.
- Riker: That's nothing compared to what I think we're going
- to find.
- Worf: OOoooo. Foreshadowing.
- CONTINUED PAGE SEVEN
-
- RESISTANCE IS FUTILE, Page seven No. 11 August 1993
- Geordi: [Looking through a disc of plexiglas]
- Now, *this* is interesting...
- Picard: Describe what you see, Geordi.
- Geordi: I see... Jimmy, and Tommy, and Billy, and Susan,
- and Mary......
- Riker: Come on, Worf. Let's go downstairs.
-
- [ Riker and Worf go downstairs. ]
-
- Riker: Well, here we are downstairs.
- Worf: It appears to be the crew's quarters.
-
- [ Riker draws a curtain and finds two bunkbeds, with a
- human female in each. ]
-
- Riker: Hey! Lookit what I found!
- Picard: What have you found, Number One?
- Riker: No, I found two females. They appear to be in some
- sort of coma.
-
- [ Worf draws another curtain, and finds two human males. ]
-
- Worf: Two more humans over here, sir. They also appear to
- be comatose.
-
- [ Riker moves to examine the newfound humans, while Worf
- draws another curtain and finds a young boy and an oldish
- man. ]
-
- Worf: Still more over here, also dead to the universe.
- Picard: Let's hope they stay that way.
-
- [ Suddenly, the old man wakes with a start. ]
-
- O.M: AAGGGHHH!!!! Oh, good heavens! Who are you?? What do
- you want??
- Riker: No such luck, sir.
- Picard: Oh, ****...
- O.M: [Pointing at Worf, cowering] What are *you*??
- Worf: I am a Klingon.
- O.M: [Cowering] Oh, how very apt.
-
- [ As a result of the old man's screaming, the others come
- out of their coma. ]
-
- Man 1: Who are you? What are doing on my ship?
- Woman 1:Who are they?
- Man 1: I don't know.
- Worf: I think we better get Geordi down here, sir.
- Riker: Agreed. [Taps comm.] Geordi....
- Geordi: ...Patrick, and Walter, and Edna, and Sally,
- and.....
- Riker: Put a sock in it, LaForge, and get down here!
- Geordi: .... er, yes, sir!
- Man 1: Who are you?
- Riker: I am Commander William T. Riker, and this is
- Lieutenant Worf.
- Man 1: Where do you come from? How did you get aboard?
- Riker: We're from the Starship Enterprise.
- CONTINUED PAGE EIGHT
-
- RESISTANCE IS FUTILE, Page eight No. 11 August 1993
- Man 1: Never heard of it.
-
- [ Riker and Worf flash each other quizzical looks. Geordi
- enters
- from the rear of the room. ]
- Riker: We're from Starfleet Command.
-
- [ No response. ]
-
- Riker: The United Federation of Planets.
-
- [ Still no response. ]
-
- Riker: Earth, you dullards!
- Man 1: Oh! Sorry. We've been out of touch for a while.
- Riker: And you are.....
- Man 1: My name is Robinson. This is my wife, whose name I
- can't seem to remember; my co-pilot, whose name I also can't
- seem to remember; my daughter, Penny; and my son, Will.
- O.M: [Sheepishly] Hello...
- Robinson: And *that* is Dr. Zachary Smith.
- Smith: How do you do, sir. I apologize for my appalling
- behavior earlier. I should have recognized immediately that
- you were from Earth. I fear my powers of perception are
- failing me.
-
- [ A vaguely mechanical voice descends on the elevator. ]
-
- Voice: Disturbance! Disturbance! I will render assistance.
-
- Robnsn: And that is our robot.
- Picard: Riker! What's going on???
- Riker: We've encountered six humans and a robot. They seem
- ordinary enough, though they haven't heard of the
- Federation.
- Data: I recommend we beam them over, sir.
- Picard: You would.
- Geordi: I concur with Data, sir. That plate glass window is
- going to go at..... *Any Moment!*
- Picard: Oh, very well. But keep them out of my way.
- Tsu: [Bouncing onto the bridge, if you know what I mean, and
- I think you do] I'm here, sir.
- Picard: Good. Take Geordi's station.
- Riker: Transporter room!
- Xport: Sir.
- Picard: Nine people and a robot to beam over.
- Xport: Ready to beam you over, sir.
- Riker: Engage.
- Xport: You mean "energize".
- Riker: Oh, yeah. Right.
- Xport: ........ Well?
- Riker: ENERGIZE!!!!!!
-
- [ FFFeeeeeerrrrrrrrzzzzzzzzsssshhhhhhhh! ]
-
- CUT TO MEDICAL BAY. THE DOCTOR IS EXAMINING DR. SMITH.
- THE REST OF THE DIPS ARE WATCHING. PICARD ENTERS WITH DATA
- AND TROI. THE DOCTOR TURNS TO ADDRESS PICARD.
- (continued page nine)
-
- RESISTANCE IS FUTILE, Page nine No. 11 August 1993
- McCoy: Dammit, Picard. What do you think you're doing
- throwing these peoples' molecules all over creation?
- Picard: Admiral McCoy! What are you doing here?
- McCoy: Starfleet cited a seldom-used activation clause. Why
- the hell did you fire Crusher, anyway?
- Picard: She wasn't cute enough.
- McCoy: You *must* be kidding!
- Troi: Captain....
- Picard: Yes, counselor.
- Troi: I'm sensing great stupidity.
- Picard: Who from?
- Troi: Everyone.
- McCoy: That's unsurprising. I ran an IQ test on all these
- guys, and it's barely measurable, even all the way down to
- the smallest intelligence unit available; they only measure
- about two to three Carters apiece.
- Troi: No, sir. It's more than just the people we
- picked up from the ship. It's much greater than that....
- Ceiling:Captain, this is Ensign Tsu. The helm has just gone
- down. I can't navigate the ship.
- Picard:Go to manual control.
- Ceiling: Sir, that trick never works.
- Picard: Try it, anyway.
- Ceiling:Captain, this is Chief Engineer Roland W.
- Whatshisname. The fire sprinklers just went off down here,
- but we don't know why. Everything's getting wet. Funny,
- though; I thought it was a Halon setup down here...
- Picard: Turn them *off*, engineer.
- Ceiling:We can't, sir. The faucet handle broke off in my
- hand.
- Picard: [Rhetorically]
- What is going on????
- Ceiling: Sir, this is Wesley Crusher.
- Picard: Shut up, Wesley!
- Data: Shut up, Wesley!
- Riker: Shut up, Wesley!
- McCoy: Shut up, Wesley!
- Geordi: Shut up, Wesley!
- Worf: Shut up, Wesley!
- Troi: Shut up, Wesley!
- Ceiling:But sir! Holodeck two just turned itself inside
- out. And it's not a pretty sight, I can tell
- you.
-
- PRODIGY(R) interactive personal service 08/01/93 0:06 AM
-
-
- [ Picard dons a look of amazement and panic. ]
-
- Ceiling: ...Though it is kinda neat.
-
- [ Fade to black. A female starts lecturing you on
- athlete's foot, followed by an obnoxious brat eating a
- chocolate bar. Dick Cavett tries to sell you on a TV
- dinner, and a bunch of dips drive around in a Japanese
- excuse for a Jeep. ]
-
- TO BE CONTINUED NEXT MONTH!!!!!SAME BAT TIME, SAME BAT
- CHANNEL!
- (continued page eleven)
-
- RESISTANCE IS FUTILE, Page ten No. 11 August 1993
- =================
- BORG COMICOGRAPHY
- =================
- "The Worst of Both Worlds" part four was not released as of
- the deadline for submissions for this issue. We look
- forward to it being in RIF #12!!!
- ==================
- CONVENTION NOTICES
- ================== Fandomonium, the
- generic science fiction club, is proud to announce that we
- will be holding a science fiction convention, FandCon I, at
- the Nipomo Youth Recreation Center, 170 South Frontage,
- Nipomo, CA 93444, on Saturday, August 14 and Sunday, August
- 15, 1993. The convention is being held to celebrate the
- club's 17th birthday, which falls on the friday before the
- convention.
- The Master of Ceremonies will be Walter Daugherty, of
- Santa Maria, CA. Guests of Honor include Melisa Corrina
- Michaels, science fiction writer, Larry Niven, science
- fiction writer, and Frank Kelly Freas, fantasy artist.
- There will also be other guests from the Los Angeles
- Science Fantasy Society, founded in 1934, the oldest
- science fiction club in the world.
- There will be huckster tables, an art show & masquerade
- contest open to entries from the public, filksinging,
- gaming, exhibits of things like how to do Klingon
- makeup, speakers who were there will tell annecdotes about
- the early days of the space program and the early days of
- science fiction fandom, there will be videos, an exhibition
- tourney by the Society of Creative Anachronisms, and a
- tri-tip barbecue.
- A badge good for both days is $20, for one day $10. The
- masquerade will be Saturday, the art auction Sunday.
- Children under 12 will be half price. There is a 25%
- discount for all prepaid memberships if your money is in by
- July 10th. Make out check or money order to Darrell
- Grisham, Treasurer, and send it to FandCon I, 466
- Concepcion Ave, Nipomo, CA 93444-9131.
- Fandomonium is hoping to find new local members in the
- area with this convention, and to introduce those who have
- never seen one to what a science fiction convention is
- like. Though we expect this to be a fairly small
- convention, we are trying to offer most of the features of
- larger ones, such as Loscon, held by LASFS in the Los
- Angeles area every Thanksgiving. We have been fortunate
- enough to be able to draw on the resources of LASFS for
- many of our guests, though Melisa Michaels is being flown
- in from Hawaii by the members of Fandomonium who are online
- on the Prodigy Computer Service. Most of our convention
- committee is coming in from out of state to meet for the
- club birthday party, the wedding of two online members, and
- the convention.
- Fandomonium was founded on friday, August 13, 1976 in
- San Pedro, CA, by Marji Holt, who moved to Nipomo in
- February 1991. Originally, the club was a Star Trek fan
- club called the South Bay Trekkies, but later the members
- of the club, then centered in Torrance, CA, decided the
- club had gone generic, and that name was misleading. The
- name was changed to Fandomonium on the club birthday in
- 1984. In August of 1991 the club went online on the
- (continued page eleven)
- RESISTANCE IS FUTILE, Page eleven No. 11 August 1993
- Prodigy Computer Service, which allows contact with members
- nationwide, even in Hawaii. And it was this online group
- of members who decided to get together in Nipomo for the
- club's 17th birthday, and to put on a convention that will
- help the club's founder develop the local branch of the
- club in Nipomo. The convention will have the added
- advantage of acquainting local science fiction fans with
- conventions, so that when the Woodlands Project on the
- Nipomo Mesa builds their planned convention center local
- fandom may be in a position to make use of it with larger
- science fiction conventions. Science fiction fans tend to
- think ahead.<grin>
- ---Furballus of Borg (Prodigy:MRWM32F)
- ==============
- EDITOR NOTICES
- ==============
- The Borg Club is located on GEnie at SFRT2, Category 37,
- Topic 20; on Prodigy at the Games BB, Star Trek RPG A-S,
- under the "Borg" and "Cyborg" subjects, at the Arts BB,
- Science Fiction, under the "Borg" subjects and at the TV
- BB, Star Trek under the "Borg" subjects; and on NVN at the
- Science Fiction Forum (GO SCIFI), [Forum # 57], on the
- Message Base, Topic 10 "FANS", starting with message
- # 10603 . RIF is distributed as a post on Prodigy in both
- the Games BB and the Arts BB and on GEnie in the Borg Club
- subject. On NVN, RIF is available for downloading from the
- Science Fiction File Library.
- We are in the process of getting this newsletter and the
- Borg Club on FidoNet and other national and local
- electronic BBS networks. If anyone has any feedback about
- this, please contact either Kym or Marian. We have compiled
- quite a few national and area BBS number listings and we
- could probably find you a local BBS which might be carrying
- the Star Trek echos of a network or even have their own
- local board. Ask and we will help you.
- Members who wish information on how to enroll into GEnie
- and get a copy of Aladdin, a freeware managing program for
- GEnie; OR how to enroll into Prodigy and get a copy of a
- shareware managing program for Prodigy; OR how to enroll
- and navigate around NVN, please contact Kym Masera Taborn
- (GEnie:K.Taborn/Prodigy:HCMH17A/NVN:Ktaborn/InterNet:
- k.taborn@genie.geis.com/FidoNet:Oxnardus 197 @1:206/2513
- //VirtualNet: Oxnardus 197 @1805020/WWIVNet:Oxnardus 115
-
- PRODIGY(R) interactive personal service 08/01/93 2:09 AM
-
- @8500/AnarchyNet:Oxnardus) or Marian Samuels (Prodigy:
- NRCR88A/GEnie:M.Samuels1/NVN:Msamuels).
- ==============================
- PUBLISHING & COPYRIGHT NOTICES
- ==============================
- RESISTANCE IS FUTILE ("RIF") is published and edited by
- Kym Masera Taborn (GEnie:K.Taborn/Prodigy:HCMH17A/NVN:
- Ktaborn/InterNet:k.taborn@genie.geis.com/FidoNet:Oxnardus
- 197@1:206/2513 //VirtualNet:Oxnardus 197 @1805020/WWIVNet:
- Oxnardus 115 @8500/AnarchyNet:Oxnardus)and Marian Samuels
- (GEnie:M.Samuels1/ Prodigy:NRCR88A/NVN:Msamuels) for
- distribution on various national electronic services and
- local electronic BBS echos.
- COPYRIGHT NOTICES: "RIF" acknowledges that Paramount
- Pictures and its various subsidiaries as having the sole
- rights to the Star Trek trademark. "RIF" has no intention
- to infringe upon that copyright or earn profit from this
- (continued page twelve)
-
- RESISTANCE IS FUTILE, Page twelve No. 11 August 1993
- publication. It is distributed free of charge. "RIF" also
- acknowledges the Prodigy Services, General Electric, and
- NVN copyrights. This newsletter may be distributed by
- anyone if kept intact and not altered in anyway. Consider
- it shareware publishing! Resistance is Futile, copyright
- (c) 1993 by Kym Masera Taborn and Marian Lee Samuels.
- =================================
- SOLICITATIONS FOR NEXT NEWSLETTER
- =================================
- The next Resistance is Futile will be released on or
- about September 1, 1993 (yeah, right!). Send submissions to
- Kym Masera Taborn (GEnie:K.Taborn/Prodigy:HCMH17A/ NVN:
- Ktaborn/InterNet:k.taborn@genie.geis.com/FidoNet:Oxnardus
- 197 @1:206/2513// VirtualNet: Oxnardus 197 @1805020/
- WWIVNet: Oxnardus 115 @8500/ AnarchyNet:Oxnardus) OR Marian
- Samuels (GEnie:M.Samuels1/Prodigy: NRCR88A/NVN:Msamuels).
- "RIF" is a non-profit fan publication. All submissions for
- publication should be sent to the editors. The editors
- retain editorial control and reprint privileges over the
- submitted materials and reserve the right to use the
- material in whatever way they deem appropriate. Submitted
- materials will not be returned to the sender.
- ============================
- BACK ISSUES OF RIF AVAILABLE
- ============================
- Missing an issue? Used your RIF for a place mat or
- coaster one time too many? Just e-mail Kym Masera Taborn
- (GEnie:K.Taborn/ Prodigy:HCMH17A/NVN:Ktaborn/InterNet:
- k.taborn@genie.geis.com/FidoNet:Oxnardus 197 @1:206/2513//
- VirtualNet: Oxnardus 197 @1805020/ WWIVNet:Oxnardus 115
- @8500/AnarchyNet:Oxnardus) OR Marian Samuels (GEnie:
- M.Samuels1/Prodigy: NRCR88A/NVN:Msamuels) and that abused
- issue will be replaced. Please indicate which issue you
- desire. At this time, the issues available are numbers 1
- (May 1992) through 11 (August 1993).
-
- ----THE END ----
- 4:44AM 8/9/93
-
- _____________ ____________ ____________
- * / R \ */ \ */ \
- * | E ______ | *\____ ____/ *| ________/
- * | S |******| | ****| |*** *| F |********
- * | I | *| | *| | *| U |____
- * | S ~~~~~~~ / *| I | *| T \
- * | T ____ \ *| S | *| I ____/
- * | A |*** \ \ *| | *| L |***
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- ***** **** ************** *****
- P.O. Box 7822
- Oxnard, CA 93031
-
- THE OFFICIAL ORGAN OF THE GALACTIC BORG CONSCIOUSNESS
- ISSUE NUMBER 12
- September 1993
-
- RESISTANCE IS FUTILE ("RIF") is published and edited by Kym
- Masera Taborn (Oxnardus) and Marian Samuels (Radioactivus) for
- distribution on various national electronic services and local
- electronic BBS echos. Address listings, copyright notices, editor
- notices, and information on back issues are printed at the end of
- this newsletter. All correspondence should be sent by e-mail to
- Oxnardus or Radioactivus (addresses given at end of newsletter)
- or mailed to "Resistance is Futile", P.O. Box 7822, Oxnard, CA
- 93031.
-
- =========
- CONTENTS
- =========
- You Will Be Assimilated: "The Proper Method to Watch Borg
- Episodes"
- Various Opening Lines Heard in Borg Bars
- Advertisement: Borg Blues Club
- From One Side
- Star Trek: The Next (de)Generation: Where No Sane Man Would Go,
- Part 2
- Wubba Woom: The Further Adventures of Dr. Anna Freud, Space
- Psycho-Analyst
- RIF BBS Up and Running!
- Borg Comicography: "The Worst of Both Worlds: And Death Shall
- Have No Dominion"
- Editorial Notices
- Copyright Notices
- Solicitations for next newsletter
- Back issues of RIF available
- Addresses of contributors
-
-
- =======================
- YOU WILL BE ASSIMILATED
- =======================
- A Monthly Primer for the Borg Collective
- by Swannox of Borg
-
- "The Proper Method to Watch Borg Episodes"
-
- First and foremost, you should be able to identify the
- episodes that the Borg are featured in:
- Q Who?
- Best of Both Worlds pt. 1
- Best of Both Worlds pt. 2
- I, Borg
- Descent pt. 1
- Descent pt. 2 (Upcoming in the 7th season)
- When watching a Borg episode, one should have the VCR set up,
- This is stressed.
- Now that you have your viewing list, you need a Checklist:
- 1. Chex-Mix: Preferred Snack of the Borg
- 2. Pizza: Preferred Food of Borg
- 3. Dove Bar: Preferred Junkfood of Borg
- 4. Jolt Cola: This Cola is outlawed in SECTOR
- 001, however the following will
- service: Coke, Pepsi, Mt. Dew, Dr.
- Pepper, RC Cola, etc. etc.
- (CRYSTAL PEPSI IS NOT A BORG COLA)
- 5. Combinations of the above are encouraged.
- If the above materials are not available for your
- assimilation, Swannox suggests that TACO BELL be assimilated for
- your needs. Swannox also suggests that if the above materials
- are available, assimilate Taco Bell anyway.
- When watching the episodes, play games with your friends. Such
- Borg favorites are:
- 1. SHOULD PICARD TAKE GUINEN'S ADVICE:
- (here is an example from 'Q Who?'-- Picard asks
- Guinen what she knows about this sector, she says
- "If I was you, I would turn back now"
- Should Picard:
- A: Turn Back (now)
- B: Explore the sector
- The answer is A: Turn Back (now). However, Picard
- took B: and look what happened.
- 2. TECHNOLOGY OR RAW MATERIAL?
- 3. IS HE LOCUTUS OR IS HE PICARD?
- These are just some of the fun games you can play while watching
- these episodes.
- Another Fun thing to do while watching Borg Episodes is to
- count how many Feds bite the dust. Example:
- Best of Both Worlds pt. 2
- Borg: 1 Cube
- Feds: ENTIRE STARFLEET
- If you really are looking to have a good time, after the
- episode, Try to sit down with your friends and look for that
- Hidden Message in the episode that will make up better people.
- Example:
- Descent pt. 1
- Message (this is three of many):
- Androids can get angry, but's it's OK.
- Families should stick together (Data/Lore)
- If your not a star of the show, you get killed
-
- That Concludes this month's edition of YOU WILL BE
- ASSIMILATED. Next Month: Why to much Sleep and Eating too much
- can kill you!
-
-
- ========================================
- VARIOUS OPENING LINES HEARD IN BORG BARS
- ========================================
- Be vewy vewy qwiet...I'm assimiwating humans. Heh eh heh eh.
- Elmer Fuddus of Borg
- You remember Picard, I assimilated em'. Hooooo!!!
- Andrew Dice Clayus of Borg
- Prepare to be assim...assim...assim...assim...I'm taking over.
- Porky Pigus of Borg
- Assimilate my shorts.
- Bart Simpsonus of Borg
- Eat my Assimilation man
- Bart Simpsonus of Borg
- Prepare to be assimilated. But we do have some awfully nice
- parting gifts for you.
- Wink Martindalus of Borg
- No, I'm sorry, the correct question is, "What is assimilation?".
- Alex Trebekus of Borg
- Ok boys and girls, after we get assimilated, we'll play with our
- magic nose goblins
- Stimpyus of Borg
- Well, after assimilation, we'd like to promote world peace and
- work with the needy children of the world.
- Miss Americus of Borg
- This is your brain. This is your brain on assimilation. Any
- questions?
- Anti-Drug Commercialus of Borg
- Assimilating! Surprise! Surprise! Surprise!
- Gomerus of Borg
- Ya gotta know it, those thousand points of assimilation...
- George Bushus of Borg
- Read our lips: NO MORE ASSIMILATION!
- George Bushus of Borg
- I love you, you love me, were all an assimilated family
- Barneyus of Borg
- Prepare to be asmilmated.
- Dan Quaylus of Borg
- We come to Assim' you up!
- Hansus and Franzus of Borg
- We gotta Assim it Andy, Assimilate it right in the bud
- Barney Fifus of Borg
- Rattle and Assimilate...
- U2us of Borg
- Stand in the cube where you assimilate...
- REMus of Borg
- Losing my assimilation...
- REMus of Borg
- Got a pocket full of Assimilate
- Spin Doctorus of Borg
- And if ya wanna assimilate, just go ahead now..
- Spin Doctorus if Borg
- Now you're assimilating with POWER!
- Nintendous of Borg
- I'm a material Borg, Living in a material cube, assimilate...
- Borgdonna
- Assimilation is Cool..e ebhheeh ehehehe eehh heh
- Beavus of Borg
- Prepare to be assim....,OOOOO! Doughnuts!
- Homer Simpsonus of Borg
- It's just you and me, kid. Prepare to be assimilated.
- Humphrey Borgartus of Borg
-
- Adapted from the taglines of Chatworthus of Borg and Analog the
- ADOERRed.
-
-
- =============
- ADVERTISEMENT
- =============
- BLUES CLUB:
-
- THIS MONTH AT THE BORG BLUES CLUB, IT'S COLLEGE FOOTBALL MADNESS.
- THE SEASON IS UPON US AND TO CELEBRATE, THE BORG BLUES CLUB WILL
- FEATURE SPECIALS ON THE MENU. DON'T FORGET TO VISIT THE SPORTS
- MANIA ROOM, FEATURING MONITORS ON EVERY TEAM THAT PLAYS SPORTS,
- NOT TO MENTION THE ALL EVER IMPRESSIVE SIX HUNDRED FEET
- WIDESCREEN TV (LOCKED ON MARSHALL FOOTBALL) WITH SURROUNDULATION
- SOUND. THE CHAMPIONSHIP BANNERS ARE HANGING (P.Swann's Marshall
- University 1992 1-AA Football Champions, & Kate Von Mayr's
- SuperBowl Banner for Dallas) THE CHEX MIX IS READY, AND THE BLUE
- HEAVEN IS ON TAP. THIS WILL BE THE PLACE IN THE COLLECTIVE WHEN
- THE FIRST KICKOFF TAKES PLACE. THE BORG BLUES CLUB, THE
- COLLECTIVES PREMIERE NIGHTSPOT.
- --Swannox
-
-
- =============
- FROM ONE SIDE
- =============
- by Ti'nae Seyan
- This month, From One Side has a special treat. The author has
- taken the liberty of stepping up to Chatsworthus of Borg (GEnie:
- R.FELDMAN) and asking for an interview. With the green light
- from "Chats" glaring at my face, I proceeded with the following
- interview.
- TI'NAE: How long have you been a Borg? (i.e., when were you
- assimilated?)
- CHATWORTHUS: Assimilation occurred approximately one week
- after I'd gotten my first online service; that'd put it around
- April of '92, we believe. I'd (note use of pronoun - we were not
- of the collective yet) read a note from Oxnardus of Borg, and
- wrote to her asking if her name had anything to do with a city in
- California about 1/2 hour's drive from us. She wrote back a VERY
- funny reply. Little did I know that fateful day that we were soon
- to be assimilated..... (and yes, that unit does live in Oxnard
- CA). That's basically how we took on our Borg name - We live in
- Chatsworth CA!
- TI'NAE: Was this the first cube you were brought to? Are you
- in connection with any other cubes (cubes=online services)?
- CHATS: Our first cube was in the Fraudigy Quadrant, where we
- spent many happy hours watching the pretty ads develop. Remember
- the Volkswagen one? And the Unrolling Red Carpet one? And the
- others that took so d*mn long to finish? We've SEVERED completely
- our connecting cables to that quadrant as of 4/21, and have no
- regrets whatsoever. Richard Potthoff (GEnie:R.POTTHOFF1)
- extended the implant of guidance and friendship, and informed
- this unit of the land of Djinn. We'll be eternally grateful to
- the Potthoff unit for this!!!
- TI'NAE: Can you describe what it felt like to be assimilated,
- for you specifically?
- CHATS: This unit thoroughly enjoyed the process of
- assimilation! AS it was accomplished by the incredibly
- knowledgeable (and btw, funny) Oxnardus unit, we began to
- understand, and appreciate, all of the many advantages of the
- process. Do you know that she was giving out four- or five-
- passenger cube scooters and free salad-shooter implants? Why,
- the mere existence of Jiffy Cubes so conveniently located in each
- quadrant makes Borgdom a fantastic experience!!! We can get lubed
- and tuned ANYWHERE! Let us not forget the CONSTANT supply of
- Pizza and Cola of individual unit's choice! Ah yes...the Cola
- Wars...we remember them a bit fuzzily...<G>
- TI'NAE: Do you ever wish to become human?
- CHATS: Absolutely NOT! WHY would we POSSIBLY want to lose this
- nifty can opener implant with attached Pizza cutter?!?!?!!?
- (Sheesh. What a dumb question! G)
- TI'NAE: Approximately how many beings have you had a part in
- assimilating?
- CHATS: This unit is not a prolific assimilator; it has only
- directly assimilated six units whom it is willing to ADMIT to!
- <GGG> This unit prefers interaction with units already of Borg,
- and desires to let the "glibber" units go from cube to cu....
- er.... door to door to obtain "New Pennzoil tm" as it were....
- This unit's specialty is making new units, ESPECIALLY female new
- units, feel welcome!
- TI'NAE: How many languages can you speak? How many fluently?
- Which ones?
- CHATS: The Chatsworthus unit speaks English. It is also
- capable of conversing somewhat in Espanol, and has just about
- totally given up on La Francais. (Try answering this one in
- straight text mode...sigh. No Tildes in proper position, and no
- Cedille in Fran_C_ais....bleah.) However, this unit IS
- thoroughly familiar with the lovemaking customs of over six
- million world, and offers free tutoring to those females who are
- of the "legal age" for whatever quadrant we happen to be in.
-
- I hope everyone enjoyed the interview, especially those who
- are not Borg but have a green card and/or resident alien status.
- Being Bajoran, I know it gave me some fascinating insight into
- Borg life!
- The author regrets "From One Side" not appearing in the most
- recent RIF newsletter. While I was on vacation, the publication
- date was changed, and I did not know until I got back.
- Stay tuned until next time!
-
-
- ==================================
- STAR TREK: THE NEXT (de)GENERATION
- WHERE NO SANE MAN WOULD GO
- ==================================
- Original source and author unknown.
- Contributed by Dragon and reprinted from ZenTrek (AnarchyNet Sub
- moderated by Oxnardus of Borg
-
- PART TWO OF SIX PARTS:
-
- Captain's Log, Supplemental:
- I've given up on stardates. It's probably meaningless,
- anyway. My ship is in total chaos. Utterly impossible things
- are happening all over the ship, seemingly defying all the known
- laws of physics, or even common sense, the holodeck
- notwithstanding. It's like a nightmare.
-
- Picard: Riker, you're smirking again.
- Riker: Sorry, sir, but this is all so amusing.
- Picard: I find nothing amusing about it. You can't run a
- starship with chaos running rampant. I didn't get
- where I am today by letting chaos run rampant.
- Leonard Rossiter: Of course not, C.J.
- Riker: Where did he come from?
- Data: I believe it is a reference to a old British
- entertainment series.
- Picard: Good God! Everyone's being infected. Even me!
- Ceiling: Sir, this is Chief Engineer Smedley X. Dinklephwat.
- The toilets have just backed up into the warp drive.
- It'll take time to clear.
- Picard: WHAT!!?????
- Ceiling: In the meantime, we have...... *No Power!*
- Picard: [Rhetorically]
- This is unbelievable.
- Ceiling: And the fire sprinklers are still running. We're
- working on it.
-
- [ Pshhhhhh. The turbolift doors open to reveal a rotund penguin
- and a rather dilapidated tabby cat. ]
-
- Penguin: [Approaching Picard] How do you do. I'm Mr. P. Opus.
- George Bush is a wimp. I'd like you to meet my running
- mate, Bill the Cat.
- Bill: Ack! Phft!!
-
- [ Pshhhhhh. Wesley enters from the other turbolift. ]
-
- Wesley: Sorry, sir. They got loose from the holodeck. It's
- going absolutely berserk. Tasha even walked out and
- handed me an old pulp-paper publication entitled
- 'Playboy'.
- Data: Is she still there?
- Wesley: Dunno. Why don't you go look?
-
- [ Data gets up to leave. ]
-
- Picard: AS YOU WERE, MR. DATA!
- Data: But sir....
-
- [ Pshhhhhhh. The Robot enters. ]
-
- Robot: [Flailing arms] DANGER! DANGER! WARNING! DANGER!
- WARNING WILL ROBINSON! DANGER!
- Picard: Why are you yelling that?
- Robot: I don't know. It seems appropriate somehow.
-
- [ PFFT! The main viewer changes to reveal a remotely human and
- quite boorish man. ]
-
- Viewer1: TV... or MTV?
-
- [PFFT! Same thing, only female this time.]
-
- Viewer2: TV... or MTV?
- Picard: [In a perfect Graham Chapman twang] WHAT IS GOING
- ON!!?????
- Data: We appear to be intercepting some old Earth
- transmissions, sir.
-
- [ Pshhhhh. Will Robinson enters. ]
-
- Robot: DANGER WILL ROBINSON.
- Will: What is it, Robot?
- Robot: Unknown intelligence nearby. Danger!
-
- [ Pshhhhhh. Dr. Smith enters. Picard is fuming. ]
-
- Smith: There you are, you bubble-headed booby! I have chores
- for you.
- Robot: DANGER! DANGER!
-
- [ Dr. Smith unplugs the Robot's power pack. ]
-
- Smith: That'll teach you to talk back, you tin-plated bathtub!
- Picard: [Smoke pouring out of his ears] EVERYONE GET OFF MY
- BRIDGE!!!!
- Riker: Aye, sir.
- Picard: NOT **YOU!!**
- Ceiling: Captain, this is Chief Engineer Ernie R. Ferretface.
- We're up to our waists here with water from the fire
- sprinklers. Some of the waterproof components are
- starting to rust.
- Smith: [At ceiling] You incompetent ninny! Where did you
- study engineering?
- Ceiling: I sent in a bunch of Cheerios boxtops and......
- Picard: OUT!!! OUT!!! OUTOUTOUTOUTOUTOUTOUT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
- Riker: Yes sir.
- Picard: NOT ****YOU!!!!****
-
- [ The bridge is cleared of all non-starfleet personnel. Picard
- sits down, ready to spit venom. ]
-
- Troi: I sense great frustration, sir.
- Picard: No sh*t, Sherlock.
- Troi: You mustn't blame yourself, sir. You are not at fault.
- Some greater force is at work.
- Picard: Shut up, Wesley.
- Troi: Huh?
- Picard: [At ceiling] Bridge to Medical Bay. Doctor.....
- Ceiling: This is the Medical Bay. All our lines are busy.
- Please hold. Your call will be answered in the order it
- was received. [Muzak]
-
- [ Riker smirks. ]
-
- Picard: Computer!!!
- Computer: Hi there! Whatever your problem, I'm here to help you
- solve it. All I want to do is to make your day more
- and more bearable.
-
- [ Picard is stunned rigid. He ambles in a daze over to his ready
- room. ]
-
- Door: [Pshhhhhh] Thank you for making a simple door very
- happy.
-
- CUT TO PICARD'S READY ROOM/OFFICE (you know, the room with the
- tropical fish in it). PICARD IS SEATED AT HIS DESK, UTTERLY
- DUMBFOUNDED. RIKER ENTERS.
-
- Door: [Pshhhhh] Glad to be of service.
- Riker: Shut up. [To Picard] Sir, are you all right?
- Picard: I've lost control.
- Riker: Sir, I don't know what's going on.
- Picard: So what else is new?
- Riker: There's no need to be abusive, sir.
- Picard: It makes me feel better, Number One.
- Riker: Sir, there has to be some external force at work. All
- this chaos couldn't happen naturally. I mean,
- everyone's acting so stupid...
-
- [ You can almost see the light go on above Picard's head. ]
-
- Picard: STUPID! That's IT!! Counselor Troi mentioned
- something about stupidity just before all hell broke
- loose. Where is she?
- Riker: Last I saw, sir, she left for Yar's quarters to pick
- out a new costume for herself.
- Picard: Let's go. [They get up.]
- Door: [Pshhhhh] Thank you so very much.
- Picard: Stick it up your nose. [To Data] Data, come with me.
- Tsu, you have the con.
- Tsu: Oh, thank you thank you thank you!
-
- [ They enter the turbolift. ]
-
- Picard: Lieutenant Yar's quarters.
- Turbolift:I'm fine; how are you?
- Picard: I said, Lieutenant Yar's quarters.
- Turbolift:I'm fine; how are you?
- Picard: Now what!?
- Data: Sir, I believe I can resolve the situation.
- Riker: Go for it.
- Data: Elevator, this is Lieutenant Commander Data. If you
- don't take us to Yar's quarters pretty d*mn pronto, I
- shall go straight to your major databank with a very
- large axe and give you a reprogramming you will never
- forget. Understand?
-
- [ Silence. ]
-
- Data: Okay. Get the axe.
-
- [ The elevator starts on its journey to Yar's quarters. Picard
- and Riker eye Data quizzically. ]
-
- Data: A literary reference, sir. Given the current
- situation, it seemed appropriate.
-
- [ The door opens, and they exit. ]
-
- CUT TO YAR'S STATEROOM. PICARD, RIKER, AND DATA ENTER.
- Picard: Counselor Troi! Where are you?
-
- [ Troi emerges from the bedroom wearing the same getup that Yar
- wore for Data. ]
-
- Troi: Hello, Umzadi.
- Riker: Troi! Uh....
- Troi: I sense great desire...
- Picard: Good God! Troi's been affected, too.
- Data: Rather well, it would seem.
- Riker: Sir, if you don't mind.....
- Picard: Oh, go ahead. You're no use to me, anyway. Go do
- something productive for a change.
- Riker: Aye, sir.
-
- [ Riker smirks, and then retires to the bedroom with Troi.
- Picard and Data enter the hallway. ]
-
- Picard: Now what do we do?
- Data: If I may recommend, sir. Since all the trouble began
- with the arrival of the Robinson family, it would seem
- prudent to question them.
- Picard: Excellent suggestion, Mr. Data. Let's get some
- answers.
-
- [ Fade to black. Large boxes of anti-acne medicine fall on
- people, followed by a surrealistic Pepsi commercial. K-Tel
- offers you every Top 10 hit ever made. Trained professionals
- demonstrate a Popiell Pocket Fisherman, since no normal human
- could use them; and a banana slug tries to sell you a used car. ]
-
- TO BE CONTINUED NEXT MONTH!!!!!
-
-
- ==========
- WUBBA WOOM
- ==========
- The Further Adventures of Dr. Anna Freud,
- Space Psycho-Analyst
-
- Dr. Freud put up her "OPEN" sign in anticipation of all her new
- clients after Prodigy's AND GEnie's new rate changes...lot's of
- aggression, frustration and confusion out there. That meant more
- clients and with a broader client base, Dr. Freud could start
- that late night subspace talk show she had always wanted....
- ---Oxnardus
-
- Dr. Freud
- Can you help me? We woke up one day with all these tubes on us
- and all alone. We don't know where the others are and how this
- nifty salad shooter attachment on my hand came from.
- Swanardus or is it Tabornox?
- --Swannox
-
- "Cwazy.....cwazy for feewing so wonewee........" a vibrating
- voice sang from the crowd, "cwazy.....cwazy for feewing so bwue."
- a small, bald-headed man stepped forward and looked at Dr. Freud
- with beady eyes. Then he laughed...."hehehehe.........."
- Elmer Fudd
- --Tricius
-
- Swanardus or whatever,
- Yes, I can help. Will you be paying by cash, check, or Locutus
- Card?
- Dr. Anna Freud
- A Professional
- --Oxnardus
-
- "Elmer!" cried Anna. "Elmer! It's been so long. Please come into
- my private waiting area. I have a new rabbit therapy I want to
- try out on just you!!!!" Anna could hardly contain herself from
- squealing.
- ---Oxnardus
-
- "Scwewy wabbit!" Elmer said, then scampered after the doctor,
- holding his trusty cork gun.
- Elmer, has a thang for animals
- ---Tricius
-
- "No, no, Elmer!" screamed Anna diving for cover, "I'm not the
- rabbit!!!"
- ---Oxnardus
-
- Locutus card of course.
- We also have these urges to assimilate the whole universe and
- make them all like myself. Is that OK?
- Swannnardus
- --Swannox
-
- A little bald man runs by suddenly and shoots the borg thang with
- his cork gun. "I'LL GET YOU, YOU WASKALLY WABBIT!" Elmer says.
- Swannardus can see Glinda the good witch peaking around the
- corner, holding a decoy energizer bunny. She lets it go and
- shouts, "RUN, TIN MAN, RUN! BEFORE THE LITTLE PEOPLE REVOLT!"
- ---Tricius
-
- Dr. Freud got out her Locutus Card machine and grabbed Swanny's
- card. After giving Swannox the carbons, she sat him down on the
- couch, turned on her meter and said, "Of course it's alright to
- want to make everyone like you. You're a borg for goodness sake!"
- ---Oxnardus
-
- DUCK SEASON!!
- Just a Visiting Borg
- --Swannox
-
- BORG SEASON!!!!
- Daffy Duck & you're DITHSPICABLE!!
- --Tricius
-
- DUCK SEASON!
- YOU WILL SERVICE, ER WILL BE SERVED AS DINNER FOR BORG
- Visiting Borg
- ---Swannox
-
- BORG SEASON!!!
- Daffy. Your momma was a toaster and your father smelled of
- elderberries!
- --Tricius
-
-
- "BORG SEASON!" Daffy yells again, his bill looking as if it may
- fall off at any time. Elmer comes skidding around the corner and
- fires his cork gun........it bounces off the borg with a
- deafening...."PING". Elmer Fudd didn't know there was a frequency
- setting for cork guns. Darn contraptioned feller must of had his
- shields up.
- ---Tricius
-
- ROTFL!!!!!!!!!
- --Swannox (can't come back with a reply for you)
-
- Elmer Fudd stood there in silence staring at this oddly
- contraptioned feller and thought, "Hmmm....doesn't say much, does
- he? Maybe the poor thing's trying to communicate and all he knew
- was 'Duck Season'." Elmer pulled up his loose pants, hefted his
- dangerous weapon over one shoulder, and asked, "Say, do you know
- Marvin The Martian?" He squinted up at the borg and looked for
- signs of intelligence.
- ---Tricius
-
- The Borg looked at the funny looking man, wondering, does he have
- raw materials and technology. Realizing that he doesn't, we
- answer "No, however we do know Duck Dodgers." The Borg then
- looked at the funny little man again and says "Hey, YOU'RE
- LOCUTUS OF BORG AREN'T YOU!" The Borg sees that the funny little
- man, having Picard's Bald head, small body and big ears looks
- baffled. "Come with me, you soon will be with the others again!
- ---Swannox
-
- A sort of skittering little sound comes from around the corner as
- a little man dressed in black with a broom on his head appears
- and points a strange looking weapon at the borg. "Unhand that
- Fudd, you puny borgling!" says Marvin. "Then stand still while I
- shoot you with my dissentigrator ray."
- --Tricius
-
- A big white cold creature runs up to Marvin. "At last," he says,
- grabbing the broom-headed guy and cradling him in his arms, "my
- very own martian. I've never had my very own martian before." He
- squeezes him tightly, "I will hug him and squeeze him and call
- him George."
- --Radioactivus
-
-
- =========================
- RIF BBS UP AND RUNNING!!!
- =========================
- Resistance is Futile now has it's own BBS. It is not public
- yet, but anyone who would like access can contact Oxnardus for
- registration.
- RIF BBS is the new home for "Resistance is Futile". It has QWK
- Mail and the following boards: General Discussion Areas, Borg
- Club, Order of Canopus (RPG), Star Trek Anonymous, ANSI Artwork,
- Shareware Discussion, Writers Discussion, Star Trek Reviews, Star
- Trek Promos, Star Trek Spoilers, Star Trek Rumors, and a private
- e-mail area. At press time, the BBS had 17 active users. It also
- runs VGA Planets games (a ST universe game played off-line, but
- with turns processed by the BBS computer). In the works is an on-
- line ST Trivia game as well. Destined to go public within a year
- and to be THE depository for Star Trek related PC computer files
- for northern Southern California, RIF BBS started on July 27,
- 1993. Since then it has been averaging 4 calls per day!! All RIFs
- are available from the download areas, so if you ever get off a
- service and want your RIF, just phone up RIF BBS for your latest
- RIF. Currently, the board is in construction, but hopefully
- within three months there will be over 25 Megs of Star Trek
- related files and games available for downloading, not to mention
- On-Line Star Trek and Trivia games.
-
-
- =================
- BORG COMICOGRAPHY
- =================
- by Swannox of Borg
-
- "The Worst of Both Worlds: "And Death Shall Have No Dominion""
- Part four of four parts
- STAR TREK: THE NEXT GENERATION, No. 50 (September 1993).
- Double-sized special issue. DC Comics. Writer: Michael Jan
- Freidman. Penciller: Peter Krause. Inker: Pablo Marcos. Letterer:
- Bob Pinaha. Colorist: Julianna Ferriter. Editor: Alan Gold.
- CHARACTERS (identified in text): Picard, Data, Riker, Troi,
- Bev Crusher, Worf, Geordi. Alternative Universe: Riker, Worf,
- Geordi, Shelby, O'Brien, Wesley Crusher, Locutus.
- SYNOPSIS: The most striking feature of this issue is the
- beautiful cover art. Instead of using the gimmick cover route, DC
- decided to feature a very beautiful painting for the cover. The
- quality of this cover would be worthy of hanging up on your wall,
- and it is very reminiscent of some of the better covers on the
- Pocket Book series of novels. Never before has a Borg Vessel
- been drawn to give the emotion of such cold unrelentlessness.
- The story continues from part three of the Best of Both Worlds
- storyline. It is titled "And Death Shall Have No Dominion" and is
- the fourth and final part of the borg series. It begins where we
- left off in part three. As a brief refresher, a landing party
- made it's way through Starfleet HQ, which had become a Borg
- Conversion Facility. Right before the beam out, a Borg struck one
- of the two Worfs. Starting in part four, Riker and Picard are in
- the middle of the fire fight and about to be over run when Geordi
- 2 (the 2 will replace the AU designation for alternative
- universe) finally gets the Enterprise 2's transporters working
- again. The crew discovers that Worf 2 was the fallen comrade
- (like we couldn't guess!--ed.). While Riker 2 is grieving,
- Worf insists that Worf 2 finally redeemed himself through his
- death and that he received his death like a Klingon. Worf then
- performs the Klingon Death Ceremony.
- The Enterprise Crew then begin to work on Locutus 2 aboard the
- Enterprise 2. After briefly explaining what they will do to
- Locutus 2, Riker 2 pulls Riker to the side, and requests that he
- come with him to the battle bridge, because Riker 2 wants someone
- who has an understanding of his mind, and battle experience, and
- he feels that Riker is perfect, since he is after all, almost
- the same person. In a similar scene to the one featured in the
- ST:TNG TV episode "Best of Both Worlds pt 2" the crew (O'Brien,
- Ro, Data, Picard, Geordi, Geordi 2, Beverly and a few no names)
- begin to access the Borg Collective through the Data hookup.
- The most disappointing part of this storyline was the fact
- that each character has to re-explain what they were doing,
- except for Picard, who gives insight into what Locutus 2 must be
- feeling. Shelby 2 provided a nice interruption in the story as
- she followed the Borg Cube and fired upon it trying to lure it
- away from the Enterprise 2 and Locutus 2. Chief O'Brien is the
- only character that seems to not be just a clone retracing his
- steps from the TV episode in this scene. He warns Data about the
- Arm of Locutus 2. It's soon discovered that the Borg Mind Net in
- this alternative universe is different, the Sleep Command is
- Protected (reviewers note: they must have got that memo Oxnardus
- sent out) and Picard is hitting himself in the head.
- While trying to figure out what to do and dodging the Borg
- assaults to the ship, Locutus reminds the crew "You continue to
- resist...But Resistance is Futile." Around this time, Shelby
- takes a powder from the battle and heads for Earth, leaving Riker
- 2 and the Enterprise 2 helpless. Wesley 2 starts to have second
- thoughts and believing that his mother is still alive, and
- Beverly believes that they can win, he heads the ship back toward
- the battle.
- Shelby decides to take a phaser to Mr Crusher 2 and O'Brien 2
- decides to introduce Shelby 2 to a phaser of his own (get that?).
- Feeling it's better to avoid something they regret, O'Brien 2
- and Wesley 2 start there way back to the battle. The 2 Rikers in
- an attempt to buy time, launch shuttles at the Borg and then
- destroy them when the shuttles hit the subspace field with phaser
- fire, which works for a moment, then the Enterprise 2 is caught
- in a tractor beam and the cutting ray begins it's work.
- The next few panels show crew members being dragged into the
- vacuum of space. The Enterprise then rejoins the battle, catching
- the Borg by surprise and inflicting damage. By this time, Picard
- finally discovers how to trigger Locutus 2's emotions and the
- word Eat comes from Locutus 2, after that a complete powerdown is
- recorded and the Borg have froze to death from the cold of space
- due to lack of power to protect themselves or even to self
- destruct.
- Picard explains that he reached his Vulcan part and mentioned
- the name Spock to awaken the emotions that Sarek held for his
- Son. Worf sets to rest Worf 2, Picard and Picard 2 talk, and it
- is revealed that Picard 2 as Locutus 2 opened up the gate in hope
- to find a universe in which the Borg were defeated and in a race
- for time, The Enterprise heads for the portal. Riker 2 and Troi
- visit for a moment while in the Riker family tradition, Riker 2
- tries to seduce Imzadi. Chief O'Brien 2 tries to sneak aboard the
- Enterprise while leaving O'Brien stranded. However O'Brien 2
- comes to his senses. Shelby is put in the brig, and all of this
- takes place in the span of 30 minutes while the Enterprise races
- to make the portal, and they do, then they reflect on what might
- have happened if the portal never was and if they would have been
- as strong. Thus End of "Worst of Both Worlds" and the 50th issue
- celebration of ST:TNG.
-
-
- =================
- EDITORIAL NOTICES
- =================
- The Borg Club is present on GEnie, Prodigy, NVN and other
- national networks including but not limited to FidoNet,
- VirtualNet, AnarchyNet, BorgNet, and InterNet.
-
- ==============================
- COPYRIGHT NOTICES
- ==============================
- "RIF" acknowledges that Paramount Pictures and its various
- subsidiaries as having the sole rights to the Star Trek
- trademark. "RIF" has no intention to infringe upon that copyright
- or earn profit from this publication. It is distributed free of
- charge. "RIF" also acknowledges the Prodigy Services, General
- Electric, and NVN copyrights. This newsletter may be distributed
- by anyone if kept intact and not altered in anyway. Consider it
- shareware publishing! Resistance is Futile, copyright (c) 1993 by
- Kym Masera Taborn and Marian Lee Samuels.
-
- =================================
- SOLICITATIONS FOR NEXT NEWSLETTER
- =================================
- The next Resistance is Futile will be released on or about
- October 1, 1993 (yeah, right!). Send submissions to Kym Masera
- Taborn OR Marian Samuels (addresses below). Submissions must be
- received by September 15, 1993 to be consdiered for inclusion
- into RIF #13. "RIF" is a non-profit fan publication. All
- submissions for publication should be sent to the editors. The
- editors retain editorial control and reprint privileges over the
- submitted materials and reserve the right to use the material in
- whatever way they deem appropriate. Submitted materials will not
- be returned to the sender.
-
- ============================
- BACK ISSUES OF RIF AVAILABLE
- ============================
- Missing an issue? Used your RIF for a place mat or coaster one
- time too many? Just send a self-addressed stamped ($.52) business
- sized envelope to RIF BBS, P.O. Box 7822, Oxnard, CA 93031 and
- that abused issue will be replaced. Please indicate which issue
- you desire. All back issues are available!
-
- =========================
- ADDRESSES OF CONTRIBUTORS
- =========================
- Analog Genie:A.DOERR2
- Chatworthus GEnie: R.Feldman
- Dragon: [SysOp: The Dragon's Realm - (805) 524-DRGN
- (3746)]; AnarchyNet: Dragon @ 42:1005/1203;
- BorgNet: Dragon
- Oxnardus: GEnie:K.Taborn; Prodigy:HCMH17A; NVN:Ktaborn;
- InterNet: k.taborn@genie.geis.com; FidoNet:
- Oxnardus @ 1:206/2513; VirtualNet: 197 @ 1805020;
- WWIVNet: Oxnardus 115 @ 8500; AnarchyNet: Oxnardus
- @ 42:1005/1201; BorgNet: Oxnardus; RIF BBS, P.O.
- Box 7822, Oxnard, CA 93031
- Radioactivus: Genie:M.Samuels1; Prodigy:NRCR88A; NVN:Msamuels;
- InterNet: m.samuels1@genie.geis.com; BorgNet:
- Ripley; RIF BBS, P.O. Box 7822, Oxnard, CA 93031
- Swannox: PRODIGY:HCMH17F; Internet:swann1@muvns6.wvnet.edu;
- BorgNet: Swannox
- Ti'nae Seyan: GEnie:STAR
- Tricius: PRODIGY: HCMH17D
-
-
-
-
- _____________ ____________ ____________
- * / R \ */ \ */ \
- * | E ______ | *\____ ____/ *| ________/
- * | S |******| | ****| |*** *| F |********
- * | I | *| | *| | *| U |____
- * | S ~~~~~~~ / *| I | *| T \
- * | T ____ \ *| S | *| I ____/
- * | A |*** \ \ *| | *| L |***
- * | N | * \ \ ___*| |____ *| E |
- * | C | * \ \/ \ *| |
- * \__E_/ * \___/______________/ *\____/
- ***** **** ************** *****
- P.O. Box 7822
- Oxnard, CA 93031
- THE OFFICIAL ORGAN OF THE GALACTIC BORG CONSCIOUSNESS
- ISSUE NUMBER 13
- October 1993
-
- RESISTANCE IS FUTILE ("RIF") is published and edited by Oxnardus
- and Radioactivus for distribution on various national electronic
- services and local electronic BBS echos. Address listings,
- copyright notices, editorial notices, and information on back
- issues are printed at the end of this newsletter. All
- correspondence should be sent by e-mail to Oxnardus or
- Radioactivus (addresses given at end of newsletter) or mailed to
- "Resistance is Futile", P.O. Box 7822, Oxnard, CA 93031.
-
- =========
- CONTENTS
- =========
- You Be Assimilated: The Short Edition
- BetaView
- Billborg Top 10 Music Charts
- Borgmanian Rhapsody
- Partly People: An Exercise in Inanity
- Star Trek: The Next (de)Generation: Where No Sane Man Would Go,
- Part 3
- More Opening Lines Heard At Borg Bars
- Borg: The Series! A Proposal for the 4th Series
- Editorial Notices
- Copyright Notices
- Solicitations for next newsletter
- Back issues of RIF available
- Addresses of contributors
-
- =======================
- YOU WILL BE ASSIMILATED
- =======================
- A Monthly Primer for the Borg Collective
- by Swannox of Borg
-
- The Short Edition
- -----------------
- This Month is going to be very short, however next month will
- make up for it. This unit will let you in on what the next issue
- is going to be and why this issue is not going to be as fantastic
- as the last.
- First off, Kym and Marian have over the year developed a very
- well produced publication, and as a contributer I try to put a
- lot of effort into my submissions, and up to now, I have had the
- time, but with fall comes College. My time has been limited,
- thus a submission would have been of less than my personal
- standards.
- However, next month is going to be a top notch issue:
- --- Descent Part 2 will have aired, and I will feature a full
- parody of it including how to incorporate the data into your
- every day lives.
- --- Pocket Books has published a trade paperback of Descent, and
- I will have ownership of it by the next publication of RIF, and
- will feature a complete review of the book, plus more parody of
- it!
- --- A Double Review of DS9 Comic 1 and 2. While 1 have already
- made the shelves, this is a two part story, and I will as a added
- feature incorporate this into either You will be Assimilated,
- and/or a Comicography similar to the Borg Four Part in the Comic
- of Star Trek, The Next Generation.
- These are the projects that I am working on in my limited
- spare time. My on-line Sport Publication also took a hit, and
- Marshall was playing a very good team in 1-AA. (Marshall was #1
- and Georgia Southern #7 at time of this typing) so, I hope that
- you all understand. I would like to have some comments about
- this feature. It might make it easier to put this together, right
- now is easy, this is real life, being creative is a little
- harder.
- However I will not leave you with out some Borgizms:
- Picard must not have recovered fully from the Assimilation in
- Best of Both Worlds, he left the Ship's Doctor in Charge of the
- Ship against the most powerful foe the Federation ever has faced.
- Not unless she is going to beam over a medical bill from that
- repair job she did on Picard. Let's hope we can adapt to that
- before she starts sending over the Wesley Baby Pictures!
- ---Swannox of Borg: "Solar Flair?"
-
- ========
- BETAVIEW
- ========
- Taken over by...Tempta-Q.
-
- Two Q.. One Convention.. and They Haven't Sued Yet!
- Last Sunday, at the Drawbridge Inn, there was a rather
- dangerous meeting...Tempta-Q, and Qubert, met at the Creation
- Star Trek Con, featuring Marina Sirtis, the lovely CNS Troi.
- At about 2:30, my friends, (Pat and Mike, for those curious
- ones) walked around aimlessly, looking for good 'ol Qubert.
- Having never MET her before, only landlined, the matter was a
- little difficult. As we walked back to the Cup and Chaucer, there
- was a redhead, in a hat, flanked by a rather tall fellow...I
- called out, "Lisa?" wondering if I was truly out of my mind, or
- was right.. I -was-! We hugged, and she showed me pics of "The
- Gang", and what a great gang y'all are! :hugs around:
- We then went into Quirk's for a glass of water, and a pic or
- two. We were assaulted by a large Cardassian, (whom Qubert and I
- fended off easily) and strange looking "hyoo-mans" in funny
- uniforms! We sat around, and then went into the main room.
- Currently in the main room, an auction was going on. This gave
- Qubert and I time to talk about friends, compare Q snaps, (My
- favorite is the double criss-cross snap) and generally have a
- good time. We sat through a Marina Music Video, and finally
- Marina came out. Marina Sirtis is a great lady, I might say..
- funny, sweet... and honest! Something you don't find in many
- humans. She talked about everything, from, "Is Riker a good
- kisser?" (Yes, but Data has the softest lips) "What's with the
- brainless act?" (You get cleavage, you lose grey matter) and
- "What is your favorite episode?" (The Child).
- We then went shopping in the Dealer's room, where we perused
- useless memorabilia until the line for autographs died down.
- Qubert and I said our goodbyes, and she snapped out of there,
- while I stayed to get an autograph.... :SNAP:
- And that's all she wrote...
- ---Tempta Q
-
- ============================
- BILLBORG TOP 10 MUSIC CHARTS
- ============================
- 10. "I Can't Get No Assimilation" by Rolling Stonus of Borg
- 9. "Runaway Cube" by Soul Asylumus of Borg
- 8. "Always Something There to Assimilate Me" by Naked Eyeus of
- Borg
- 7. "Too Much Assimilation" by Duranus Duranus of Borg
- 6. "Dilithium" by Nirvanus of Borg
- 5. "Borgmanian Rhapsody" by Queenus of Borg
- 4. "Assimilation (In the Name of Borg)" by U2us of Borg
- 3. "Little Borg Can't Be Wrong" by Spin Doctorus of Borg
- 2. "Borg in Heaven" by Eric Claptonus of Borg
- 1. "Borg in the U.S.A." by Bruce Springsteenus of Borg
- ---Juvenus of Borg
-
- ===================
- BORGMANIAN RHAPSODY
- ===================
- Is this the real life?
- Is this just fantasy?
- Caught in a cube's insides
- No escape from calamity
- Put in your eyes
- Dress up in disguise and flee
-
- I'm just a poor Borg
- I need some circuitry
- Because I'm easy come, easy go
- A little polish and I'll glow
- Anywhere the cube goes
- It doesn't really matter....to me
- Toooo WE
-
- Oh no, did we explode again?
- Put the sleep command in our heads
- Blew us up while in our beds
- Oh well, Life just must go on
- So I guess we'll pick through what they've thrown away
-
- C'mon, .....didn't mean to steal that guy
- If he's not back with us this time tomorrow
- He'll be gone, he'll be gone
- I guess it doesn't really matter
- This is great
- My power's on
- Sends shivers down my spine
- The party's going all the time
- Good grief, everybody
- I've got to know
- Was the junk food left behind? Now, tell the truth.
-
- C'mon <anywhere the cube goes>
- I just wanna fly
- I sometimes wish we'd never had stopped at all
- Dum dum dum dum
-
- I see a little silhouette of a man
- Locutus! Locutus! Can we make your head glow?
- Photon blast of lightning
- Very very frightening
-
- EEEK! Grab your bagels! Grab your bagels!
- Grab your bagels and let's go!
- Let's just gooooooo......
-
- We're just a poor borg
- Nobody likes we
- <They're just some poor borgs from a large family,
- struggling through life like a monstrosity>
- Easy come, easy go, will they let us go?
- <They will not! NO! They will not let us go! <repeat>>
- Oh, grab a pizza. Grab a pizza. Grab a pizza and let's go.
- The federation has a wormhole set aside for we, for we,
- For WEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE........
-
- <Heavy guitar stuff>
-
- So they think they can stop us and swat us like flies!
- So they think they can bombard us and leave us behind!
- Oh, Feddies. Won't you listen to us, Feddies?
- We're just trying to get out
- We're just trying to get right out of here
-
- <more heavy guitar stuff.....then REALLY sad music>
-
- Oh, yeah
- Oh, yeah
- Nothing really matters
- As long as we party
- Nothing really matters, nothing really matters...to weeee...
-
- <sniffle>......anywhere the cube goes........ <GONG!>
- --Tricius of Borg
-
- =============
- PARTLY PEOPLE
- =============
- An Exercise In Inanity
-
- Excuse me, Is this a borg subject? It said Partly people
- and we only have partly people parts.
- --Swannox
-
- Hey, couldn't help it. Tricius O' Borg here and was just goofing
- off as usual. Speaking of which, I thought "RIF" stood for
- "Read It Fast". <okay, so I didn't really.>
- --Tricius, partly 5'7, 125lbs of gleaming party animal....and
- only moderately human....9:25pm
-
- RIF - rare intangible fact
- radically innovative facade
- real-time isolinear-chip functions
- reach inside Frank (yuck)
- rugged individual fun
- rhinoceros is futile
- --Oxnardus
-
- RIF- Racism is futile
- Rubber International Foundation
- Robots Internal Functions <yuck yuck!>
- --Swannox
-
- Hey, I liked the "real-time isolinear-chip functions", errrr...
- whatever that was. It almost sounded like we knew what we were
- talking about.
- --Tricius, "Robotic Intelligence Faker"
-
- Swanny-
- Only partly is this a partly people place, but partly because we
- are in the midst of those who are not partly people, but not
- people at all!
- --Tricius, member of the "Paranoid Club" since 1992.
-
- My favorite by far is Robots Internal Functions. Maybe we should
- change the name of the newsletter???
- --Oxnardus, in a panic
-
- How about real-time iso-linear fondue? For the hungry borg.
- --Oxnardus
-
- ==================================
- STAR TREK: THE NEXT (de)GENERATION
- WHERE NO SANE MAN WOULD GO
- ==================================
- Original source and author unknown.
- Contributed by Dragon [and reprinted from ZenTrek (AnarchyNet Sub
- moderated by Oxnardus of Borg)
-
- PART THREE OF SIX:
-
- PICARD AND DATA ENTER THE LOUNGE WHERE THE ROBINSON FAMILY WAS
- INSTRUCTED TO REMAIN. EVERYONE, INCLUDING THE ROBOT, IS THERE.
-
- Picard: Right. I want some answers, and I want them now.
- Will: Two plus two is four.
- Mother: Be quiet, dear.
- Will: Where's Lassie, mom?
- Mother: I left that series, dear.
- Picard: Shut up, all of you, and answer my questions.
- Mr. Robinson: [To Data] Are you an android?
- Data: [Getting upset] No! I'm an eggplant!! WHY DOES
- EVERYBODY ASK ME THAT??? [Starts jumping up and down]
- Picard: Data! Why are you getting upset?
- Data: [Reverting instantly to his normal self] Getting upset
- is a human trait, and I do try to be more human....
- Picard: Well, stop it. [To family] Now, I want some answers.
- Things on my ship are going bonkers, and I want to know
- why.
- Mr. Robinson: No idea.
- Mother: Got me.
- Penny: Duh....
- Co-Pilot: Let me get back to you on that.
- Robot: Danger! Unknown intelligence nearby!
- Smith: Oh, shut up, you bubble-headed booby!
- Will: Captain? I'd like to help if I can.
- Picard: Oh, great. Another boy genius. I should have signed
- onto a trawler or something.
- Data: I would not discount the boy's offer so quickly,
- Captain.
- Picard: [Sighs] Oh, all right. Tell me how you got all the
- way out here.
- Will: Well, a long time ago, we left Earth for Alpha
- Centauri. But our robot malfunctioned, and we were
- thrown off course. Since then, we've been Lost In
- Space....
-
- [ Stupid music starts up. ]
-
- Picard: Stop that! Stop that! Stop it!
-
- [ Music runs down. ]
-
- Picard: Please go on.
- Will: Anyway, everywhere we went, we'd encounter strange
- aliens in bad makeup who were always bent on destroying
- us. The robot always tried to help, but Dr. Smith
- usually got us into trouble.
- Smith: [Indignant] Such gratitude! And after all the help
- I've rendered...
- Picard: Shut up!! [To Will] So how long have you been out
- here?
- Will: I don't really know.
- Picard: Couldn't you ever find your way back to Earth?
- Will: Oh, we almost did a few times, but something would
- always happen, and we'd get lost again.
- Picard: What would happen?
- Will: Oh.... It was usually something stupid, like Dr. Smith
- taking a space walk for no reason, or....
- Picard: STUPID! Are you sure?
- Will: Oh, yeah. It was always something really dumb.
- Picard: Thank you. You *have* been helpful. [To Data] Let's
- go.
-
- [ Picard and Data leave the lounge and enter the hall. ]
-
- Picard: What do you think, Data?
- Data: Penny is cute....
- Picard: No no no no!! What do you think of their story?
- Data: I do not believe they are directly responsible for the
- situation that is upon us now. However, I believe that
- whatever has affected them adversely was brought aboard
- when they were beamed over, and is now affecting us.
- Picard: Speculation?
- Data: I would surmise that a creature similar to the hate
- creature from The Old Series is at work here, except
- that it generates and feeds on stupidity.
- Picard: What? You mean we're reusing a plot device?
- Data: It has been done before, sir. If you'll recall in The
- Naked Now...
- Picard: Yes, yes, I know...
- Data: This situation seems far more amusing, however...
- Picard: Never mind your editorial remarks, Data. How do you
- propose to eliminate this creature?
- Data: To eliminate it, we must first locate it.
- Picard: And how do we do that?
- Data: Are you completely helpless or something?
- Picard: *Humor* me!
- Data: It would be logical to assume that the creature is at
- the epicenter of the stupid activity.
- Picard: The holodeck?
- Data: A good place to start, sir.
- Comm button: Captain Picard? This is Chief Engineer Snidely P.
- Whiplash. We're up to our chests in it now...
- Picard: Why don't you just beam the water out?
- Comm: Oh, no, sir. That's far too obvious.
- Picard: What are you doing about it?
- Comm: I've got my best men working on it....
-
- [ In the background: ]
- Man 1: You numbskull!! [SLAP!]
- Man 2: Nyuk nyuk nyuk nyuk!
- Man 1: And you! [BONK!]
- Man 2: Ow!
- Man 3: Hey, leave him alone!
- Man 1: Oh, a wise guy... [TOINK!]
-
- Picard: Dear God. Should we set self-destruct?
- Data: Unadvisable, sir. It would probably malfunction. I
- suggest we move to the holodeck as quickly as possible.
- Delay could be fatal.
- Picard: Agreed. [Taps comm.] Computer....
- Computer: Hi there!
- Picard: [Winces] Hi. Sound Red Alert.
- Computer: Sure thing!
-
- [Klaxons and lights start going off.]
-
- Computer: How's that?
- Picard: Wonderful. Thank you. [Glances heavenward. Taps
- comm. again] Worf!
- Worf: Sir!
- Picard: Meet us at holodeck two. And don't take the
- turbolifts. Bring Geordi with you.
- Worf: At once, sir.
- Picard: Why do you seem unaffected, Worf?
- Worf: Stupidity is too much like..... *bathing!*
- Picard: [Shakes head] Picard out. Let's go, Data.
-
- [Fade to black. John McEnroe gets livid about Bic razors, a
- bunch of diseased obnoxious people swill beer, and more banana
- slugs try to sell you Dodge Trucks, Toyota Trucks, and Pontiac
- Gran Prix's. Highlights of this week's National Enquirer flash
- before you, "For prying idle minds." ]
-
- TO BE CONTINUED NEXT MONTH!!!!!
-
- =====================================
- MORE OPENING LINES HEARD AT BORG BARS
- =====================================
- Hey, Rocky, watch me pull a Picard out of my cube.
- Borgwinkle
- Borgwinkle, that trick always works!
- Rocky the Flying Squirrel
- You remember the Dinosaurs? We assimilated them.
- Iridium Layer of Borg
- Prepare to be dissimulated.
- Romulus of Borg
- We assimilated Bart's shorts.
- The borg next door whom Bart never mentions
- Learn my Elocution, ma'am.
- Pygmalion of Borg
- Assimilation, Schmassimilation. Take this little cube; if you
- survive, it'll be a miracle; in either case, remember to credit
- my account.
- Miracle Max of Borg
- The Money or the Borg?
- Borg Dyer
- Do Borg, Don't Borg
- Romper Room of Borg
- Let's get outta here!
- The Borg, avoiding the assimilation of Mother Teresa's
- burden.
- Don't kid yourself, Borg kills.
- Anti-speed commercial on the cube.
- Phh, ph, ph-ph-ph!
- Andy Williams of Borg
- We need a heightened sense of family values!
- Professor Borg Hewson
- We come in Peace! ... Eat to kill!
- James T. Kirk of Borg
- Assimilate it, Jim! I'm a Doctor, not a glutton.
- Leonard McCube
- I wonder what happens if I despin the cosmic subspace medium ...
- Wes (alias Dennis the Menace) of Borg.
- Fire! ... No, not with the dish pointing this way, Wes! ...
- Riker of Borg
- Warp coil about to detonate, ho hum.
- Geordie La Borg
- Play it, Bjorn.
- Joan of Borg
- Who writes these scripts, anyway?
- Borgamount executive
- Add fins! Add fins!
- Borgamount executive
- A kinder, gentler Borg.
- Failed Presidential Candidate
- What we need are more individual Borgs.
- Obscure MGM spokesperson
- Because gullible kinds want to go.
- The National Assimilator
- Prepare to be Lowest-Common-Denominated.
- Sir Rupert of Borg
- The page three girls rather enhance `The New York Times'
- Sir Rupert of Borg
- (Furiously.) Don't you dare think for yourself!
- Sir Rupert of Borg
- Just because we stole it, doesn't mean it's not our land!
- Hugh Borgan of Worlds Mining Corporation
- Ours! All ours!
- Hugh Borgan of Worlds Mining Corporation
- If families weren't torn apart, what would civilisation come to?
- Hugh Borgan of Worlds Mining Corporation
- Traditional values are not negotiable. Ours, not yours.
- Hugh Borgan of Worlds Mining Corporation
- Assimilate customs and wisdom? Ptui!
- Hugh Borgan of Worlds Mining Corporation
- Count the stocks and shares (while they last), not the toll on
- human life.
- Junkbondis of Borg
- We're a genius, a sheer genius ...
- Wile E. Cubote
- ---Luxor of Borg
-
- ===============================================
- BORG: THE SERIES! A PROPOSAL FOR THE 4TH SERIES
- ===============================================
- Opening:
- Several Borg speaking in unison and monotone:
- "Space: The final frontier. These are the voyages of the
- Borg Collective. Its continuing mission: To destroy strange
- new worlds, to assimilate new life and new civilizations. To
- boldly go where no Borg has gone before!"
-
- The pilot would explain 1) how the Borg got started, 2) how they
- survived through the explosion at sector 001, and 3) what has
- become of Wesley Crusher?]
-
- "Captain, I see the Borg ship approaching!"
- "Shut up, Wesley."
- "Mom, aren't you worried?"
- "Leave me alone, kid."
- "Sir, aren't you going to do anything?"
- "Bug off, human scum!"
-
- Then a Borg comes, gets Wesley, and leaves everyone else to their
- business...provided that Wesley does return to the Enterprise in
- the first place.
-
- Heck, we could finally learn how they assimilate Trill (an
- ongoing discussion) and Cardassians (how, with those
- protuberances on their faces)! And they do have other Borg as
- enemies, namely the factions of Lore and "Hugh". It would be "The
- Untouchables" in outer space--except the bad guys always win.
- --Mark D. Rabinowitz
-
- ==============
- EDITOR NOTICES
- ==============
- The Borg Club is located EVERYWHERE. If you wish to be
- assimilated just ask a local Borg to do so. We are sure they
- would be more than happy to assimilate you quickly and
- painlessly, not to mention take your culture and technology from
- you as well.
-
- =================
- COPYRIGHT NOTICES
- =================
- "RIF" acknowledges that Paramount Pictures and its various
- subsidiaries as having the sole rights to the Star Trek
- trademark. "RIF" has no intention to infringe upon that copyright
- or earn profit from this publication. It is distributed free of
- charge. This newsletter may be distributed by anyone if kept
- intact and not altered in any way. Consider it shareware
- publishing! Resistance is Futile, copyright (c) 1993 by RIF BBS.
-
- =================================
- SOLICITATIONS FOR NEXT NEWSLETTER
- =================================
- The next Resistance is Futile will be released on or about
- November 1, 1993 (yeah, right!). Send submissions to Oxnardus or
- Radioactivus at the addresses notated below. "RIF" is a
- non-profit fan publication. All submissions for publication
- should be sent to the editors. The editors retain editorial
- control and reprint privileges over the submitted materials and
- reserve the right to use the material in whatever way they deem
- appropriate. Submitted materials will not be returned to the
- sender.
-
- ============================
- BACK ISSUES OF RIF AVAILABLE
- ============================
- Missing an issue? Used your RIF for a place mat or coaster one
- time too many? Just mail a self-addressed stamped ($.52) business
- sized envelope indicating which issue you'd like to RIF BBS, P.O.
- Box 7822, Onxard, CA 93031 and that abused issue will be
- replaced. At this time, the issues available are numbers 1 (May
- 1992) through 14 (October 1993).
-
- =========================
- ADDRESSES OF CONTRIBUTORS
- =========================
- Dragon: [SysOp: The Dragon's Realm - (805) 524-DRGN
- (3746)]; AnarchyNet: Dragon @ 42:1005/1203; RIF
- BBS: Dragon; RIPCITY: The Dragon
- Juvenus: VirtualNet: #188 @8054*1
- Luxor: InterNet:ecsgrt@luxor.latrobe.edu.au
- Oxnardus: GEnie:K.Taborn; Prodigy:HCMH17A; InterNet:
- k.taborn@genie.geis.com; FidoNet: Oxnardus @
- 1:206/2513; VirtualNet: 197 @ 1805020; WWIVNet:
- Oxnardus 115 @ 8500; AnarchyNet: Oxnardus @
- 42:1005/1201; RIF BBS: Oxnardus; RIPCITY:
- Oxnardus; RIF BBS, P.O. Box 7822, Oxnard, CA 93031
- M. Rabinowitz: InterNet:bp979@cleveland.freenet.edu
- Radioactivus: Genie:M.Samuels1; Prodigy:NRCR88A; NVN:Msamuels;
- InterNet: m.samuels1@genie.geis.com; RIF BBS:
- Ripley; RIPCITY: Ripley; RIF BBS, P.O. Box 7822,
- Oxnard, CA 93031
- Swannox: PRODIGY:HCMH17F; Internet:swann1@muvns6.wvnet.edu;
- RIF BBS: Swannox
- TemptaQ: Prodigy:XHTS61B
- Tricius: PRODIGY:HCMH17D; RIF BBS: Computer Chick; RIPCITY:
- Ty Ripley
-
-
- RIF #14 NEEDS TO BE REQUESTED BY E-MAIL TO K.TABORN@GENIE.GEIS.COM
-
- RIF #15 FOLLOWS
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- THE OFFICIAL ORGAN OF THE GALACTIC BORG CONSCIOUSNESS
- ISSUE NUMBER 15
- December 1993
-
- RESISTANCE IS FUTILE ("RIF") is published and edited by Oxnardus
- and Ripley for distribution on various national electronic
- services and local electronic BBS echos. Address listings,
- copyright notices, editorial notices, and information on back
- issues are printed at the end of this newsletter. All
- correspondence should be sent by e-mail to Oxnardus or Ripley
- (addresses given at end of newsletter) or mailed to "Resistance
- is Futile", P.O. Box 7822, Oxnard, CA 93031.
-
- =========
- CONTENTS
- =========
- DE-SCENT, Part 2 of 2
- STAR TREK: THE NEXT (de)GENERATION WHERE NO SANE MAN WOULD GO
- Part 5 of 6
- SUBSCRIPTION SERVICE & LISTING OF RIF DISTRIBUTION SITES
- Editorial Notices
- Copyright Notices
- Solicitations for next newsletter
- Back issues of RIF available
- Addresses of contributors
-
- ===============
- DE-SCENT Part 2
- ===============
- Hareware Productions semi-proudly presents:
- "De-Scent II"
- A parody of ST:TNG's "Descent, Part 2"
- By Leonard Richardson
- ---------------------
- WARNING: The following parody deals with such topics as body odor
- and being turned into a maniacal killing machine. For this
- reason, we voluntarily rate this parody PG.
-
- SHAMELESS PLUG:
- Call Da Warren BBS (805) 854-2478
-
- ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
- "Last Time" Voice: Last time, on Silly Trek: The Next
- Generation:
- <An empty room. Patrick Stewart is there.>
- Patrick Stewart: A lot of very silly things happened and this
- ended up happening because of it.
- <A hall. Data, Lore, and a lot of Borg surround Troi, Picard, and
- Geordi.>
- Data: A funny thing happened to me on the way to the
- observatory...
- "And Now" Voice: And now, the exciting conclusion.
-
- TEASER:
- <The hall>
- Data: I got a ticket for going Warp 4 in the impulse lane!
- Picard, Geordi, and Troi: Aaaagh! What an awful joke! <They
- roll around foaming at the mouth>
- Geordi: And the tricorder indicates we're in a HP parody! We'll
- be covered in them by the time it's over!
- Troi: (in awe, or maybe it's just the new perfume) Data! I
- can smell you!
- Lore: Yes! I have given him the ability to have body odor!
- Picard: Data, is this true?
- Lore: (Hitler voice) I'm tavking to you! I've helvped Data
- break free! Just as I've helped ze Borg!
- Picard: How about that, Data! He won't even let me talk to you!
- Lore: You may direct your complaints to me, Picard! <holds up
- a box marked "Suggestion Box">
- Picard: But I don't like you!
- Lore: So what? I don't like you either! In fact, I better
- start being mean to you now! Take them away!
- <Borg surround the team and take them out of the hall>
-
- <The bridge. Suddenly Bill Clinton emerges from the turbolift.>
- Bill Clinton: Hi! I'm Bill Clinton, making my bus tour to sell
- my new health care plan! (Walks over to Ensign
- Cameo) Hi there! What's your name?
- Ensign Cameo: Ensign Cameo.
- Bill Clinton: Did you know that your present insurance plan
- doesn't cover bad body odor? What if you were to
- be laid off?
- Ensign Cameo: What are you talking about? I'm only here for the
- one episode!
- Bill Clinton: Agh! Foiled again!
- <Tasha appears and phasers him. Cheers. Applause. Tasha
- disappears.>
- Crusher: Any word from the away team?
- Ensign Nolines:Nope.
- Ensign Beavis: The Borg ship is approaching sir, huhhuhhuhhhhuh.
- Crusher: Crusher to Transporter Chief Goofyname! Start beaming
- up the away teams!
- Ensign Beavis: The Borg ship is powering up weapons!
- Crusher: Fire, Ensign Beavis.
- Ensign Beavis: FIRE! FIREFIREFIRE!
- Lieutenant Roastbeef: No detectable damage to the Borg ship!
- Crusher: That's because he never fired the phasers!
- <Tasha appears and phasers Ensign Beavis>
- Crusher: Agh! Somebody fire!
- <The ship rocks and everybody goes flying.>
- Crusher: I meant somebody on our side! Who's at the weapons
- station?
- Lieutenant Roastbeef: We don't have any other officers on the
- ship! They're all on the surface looking
- for Data!
- Crusher: Call in Guinan!
- Ensign Cameo: <into turbolift> Call in Guinan!
- <Guinan comes out of the turbolift and goes to the weapons panel>
- Crusher: Quick, Guinan, fire the phasers!
- Guinan: Patience, doctor, or something wise like that.
- Crusher: What do you mean by that?
- Guinan: I mean I can't find the right button!
- Crusher: ARGH! <fires them herself>
- <The Borg ship explodes>
- Crusher: That was easy.
- Lieutenant Roastbeef: Sensors indicate that the special
- effects team was renting the model by
- the hour and didn't want to go over
- budget.
- Crusher: Yes, a captain must do many things they might regret,
- but the one unforgivable sin is to go over budget.
- That's why we have cheesy acting like this, to take up
- time.
- <Zoom in on her face>
-
- <<COMMERCIAL BREAK>>
- ACT 1
- <The planet. Riker and Worf are sneaking around.>
- Worf: I found the observ- building! <grunt>
- Riker: Great! Now, how do we get in?
- <Suddenly two Borg walk past them, behind some trees. Riker and
- Worf run and climb trees>
- Riker: Whew! That was close!
- Worf: I ripped my pants. <grunt>
- Leonard Richardson: (suddenly appearing) Hey, did you know that
- if you pound on the mouse pad with a glass
- the cursor moves all over?
- Riker: Shut up and get on with writing the parody! I don't
- want to be stuck in this tree for the rest of my life!
- <Leonard disappears. A bunch of Borg come into the clearing with
- a buzzsaw and start sawing down the tree.>
- Riker: HEEEEEEELP!
- Worf: <GRUNT!>
- Riker: Shut up!
-
- <The prison cell. Data comes in.>
- Data: Come with me, Geordi.
- Geordi: Why?
- Data: Because I'm Doctor Data! <puts on white coat & glasses,
- dramatic music a la "Doctor Kildare" starts playing> I
- will be playing ducks and drakes with your very
- existence! Your life will be in the hands of my tools!
- But never fear! With my expertise, I'll pull you
- through!
- Geordi: Like I said, why?
- Data: (takes off coat and glasses) Because I have lots of
- Borg with guns pointed at you.
- Geordi: That's a much better reason.
- <They leave>
-
- <A weird lab. Geordi is talking to Data.>
- Geordi: You know, Data, you really ought to try cologne.
- Data: I am attempting to disable your sense of smell.
- Geordi: Hey, remember that one time when we went to that pickup
- bar on Orion? What a bummer.
- Data: A complete record of the experience is stored in my
- memory banks.
- Geordi: Yeah, I was afraid of that.
- <Data sticks a weird thing into Geordi's head. Any resemblance to
- a bathroom deodorizer should be coincidental.>
- Data: This device will attempt to gather information on the
- organic matrix in your brain that causes body odor.
- Geordi: Data, you can't do this!
- Data: However, there is a 60% chance that you will not
- survive the procedure.
- Geordi: This wasn't the kind of dramatic tension I wanted in my
- contract!
- Data: (shaking head) I am getting some abnormal readings from
- your organic matrix. Someone will take you back to your
- cell. <He exits.>
- Geordi: (to TV audience) I'd like to take this time to remind
- you that, what with Christmas coming up, I'd like a
- warp coil phase inducer, a teddy Wookie, and some
- "Brut."
-
- <The cell.>
- Picard: Boy, it's a good thing that nifty deoderion wave we
- made triggered Data's ethical program!
- Troi: How can you tell?
- Picard: I was watching the rerun. <motions to a small portable
- TV.>
- Troi: I told you to leave it on the football game!
-
- <Outside the complex. Data walks up to Lore.>
- Lore: So, how's life?
- Data: I am not making much progress with La Forge. His matrix
- is giving off anomalous readings.
- Lore: What else is new?
- Data: I have betrayed them.
- Lore: So what, they're wimps anyway.
- Data: <sniff>
- Lore: I don't think you can handle all the body odor I've
- been allowing you. Maybe I should cut down.
- Data: No! Agh!
- <Lore opens a pocket in his robes and fiddles around with his
- armpit.>
- Data: AAAAAAH! I smell minty fresh! NOOOO!
- Lore: Then you prefer to smell worse?
- Data: Yes!
- Lore: All right, a little worse. <Fiddles with his armpit
- some more>
- <Data leaves.>
- Lore: Kreosote!
- <Kreosote clunks over to Lore.>
- Lore: I am worried about my brother, Kreosote.
- Kreosote: I'm not your brother.
- Lore: Shut up.
-
- <<COMMERCIAL BREAK>>
- ACT 2
- <Underneath the complex. Riker and Worf are surrounded by Borg.
- Suddenly they see a familiar pan...>
- Riker: Blue!
- Worf: <grunt>
- Blue: (a mouth opens in the pie and talks) You again! Why
- can't you leave me alone! First you do a stupid parody
- about me, then another one!
- Riker: We're sorry! It's not our fault!
- Blue: After I was phasered, the other Borg experienced it,
- and they too were brought into the silly parody. This
- had the effect of totally discombobulating their
- stuffyness programs. They wandered lonely in space
- until this man came!
- <Pan to reveal a Borg acting as a slide projector. A beam of
- light comes out of his eyepiece and makes a picture of Bill
- Clinton on a stand.>
- Blue: He promised us salvation! But we weren't THAT
- desperate. So then this one came.
- <A Borg hits the projectBorg and the slide changes to one of a
- blond Borg in a mechanical swimsuit.>
- Blue: Oops, wrong slide. THIS one came.
- <The projectBorg changes again, showing Lore striking a pose.>
- Blue: HE promised us salvation through bad body odor, and we
- followed him! But this was the result!
- <Pan to reveal a generic rap group in Borg suits, looking
- stoned.>
- Blue: He started experimenting on us, turning us into awful
- rappers with body odor bad enough to kill at close
- range and inane lyrics bad enough to kill at distances
- of up to 2 miles! We eventually snuck away and hid in
- here! So you see, Commander, I don't especially welcome
- your presence!
- Riker: Our away team is trapped in the compound. Will you at
- least show us a way in?
- Blue: Oh, sure. Anytime.
-
- <The cell. Lore comes in.>
- Lore: (to TV audience) Hi, folks! I know you've all been
- waiting for the exciting conclusion and maybe a
- touching moment or two, but first, I'd like to thank
- Dr. Soong, Gene Roddenberry, Brent Spiner, who did a
- great job playing me in Datalore by the way, and all
- the little people who made all this possible! And now
- I'd like to say a few words--
- Picard: Oh, hurry up! If you try to get any more information
- out of Geordi you'll kill him!
- Lore: I'm not here for him! I'm here for you!
- Picard: Where's that suggestion box again?
-
- <The grand hall. Borg have gathered around Picard.>
- Lore: It is time to test your loyalty, Data. I want you to
- kill Picard.
- <He hands Data one of the Borg gas-guns. Data is obviously
- wrestling with his conscience. Eventually he wins. He puts the
- gun down.>
- Data: No. He... has a contract for this season.
- Lore: I didn't think you'd be able to do it! (To the Borg,
- Southern drawl) I have asked you to make sacrifices!
- Sacrifices that I knew were necessary! (normal voice)
- And now I will make the greatest sacrifice of all!
- Picard: What, you'll shut up?
- Lore: No! I'll kill Data! <aims gas gun at Data>
- Blue: NOOOOOO!
- <Blue jumps at Lore 3 Stooges style, and hits him in the face.>
- Lore: Ack! Blub!
- <An all-out fist fight ensues, with Riker and Worf shooting Borg
- as the opportunity arises. Lore runs away, Data follows him.>
-
- <A control room. Lore is pushing buttons. Data enters.>
- Lore: (David Koresh voice) I knew you would come, Data. I'm
- going to blow up the entire compound! We will die
- together!
- <He suddenly grabs a gas gun and lunges at Data, but Data shoots
- him. Lore falls over.>
- Lore: Aaaaaack...
- <Data starts disconnecting Lore.>
- Lore: Use... Ob...session... for... Men, Da...ta...
- Data: Goodbye, Lore.
- <Lore dies.>
-
- <Data's quarters. Spot is there. Geordi enters.>
- Geordi: What's that?
- Data: It is the body odor chip Dr. Soong meant for me.
- Geordi: Does it work?
- Data: (slight pause) No. It was damaged when I was forced to
- fire upon Lore.
- Geordi: Ah. <pets Spot> Nice kitty.
- Data: If you will leave, Geordi, I have some... business to
- attend to.
- Geordi: All right. <he leaves>
- <Data opens his desk drawer and pulls out a can of "Right Guard."
- Extra strength too. He smiles.>
- <Fade out>
-
- Next time, on Silly Trek: The Next Generation:
- A mission leaves Picard stranded on a planet...
- With a woman with a passion for an anonymous kitchen condiment...
- Will he escape the web of nausea? Find out on...
- "Mayonnaise."
- (Okay, it doesn't sound a bit like "Liaisons," but let's see you
- come up with something better.)
-
- Next month in RIF.....
-
-
- ==================================
- STAR TREK: THE NEXT (de)GENERATION
- WHERE NO SANE MAN WOULD GO
- ==================================
- Original source and author unknown.
- Contributed by Dragon and reprinted from ZenTrek (AnarchyNet Sub
- moderated by Oxnardus of Borg
-
- PART FIVE:
-
- [ Picard and Co. plough through the insanity. All is chaos for a
- few moments, then suddenly, everything clears, and they all find
- themselves in a plush wood-paneled corporate board room. The
- walls are adorned with gaudy and self-serving plaques, trophies,
- and mementos. Several posters adorn the walls, apparently
- advertising various forms of entertainment, including _Under The
- Cherry Moon_, _Hello, Marin, Hello_, _Heaven's Gate_, and Lorimar
- Telepictures. Three men are seated at the head of the table. ]
-
- Man 1: Welcome, Captain Picard.
- Data: [Aside to Picard] This is it, sir. This is the core
- of the disturbance.
- Man 1: Quite right, Mister Data, quite right. Allow me to
- introduce myself. I am Aaron Spelling. This is my
- good friend, Glen A. Larson...
- Glen: How do you do.
- Aaron: And this is Steven J. Cannell.
- Steve: Hello.
- Aaron: Please, sit down.
- Picard: No, thank you. What's happened to my ship?
- Aaron: Relax, Captain, relax. It's the natural order of
- things. Some refreshments!
-
- [ Aaron claps his hands. A vapid female dressed in a trendy gown
- loaded with more sequins than you can count appears with a tray
- and sets it down upon the table. ]
-
- Aaron: Thank you, Vanna. [She turns around once, then exits.]
- Picard: What do you mean, the natural order of things?
- Aaron: Surely, you're aware of the principle of entropy?
- Picard: Of course.
- Aaron: We are merely carrying that principle to its natural
- conclusion: The entropy of human intelligence.
- Picard: But man isn't naturally stupid.....
- Aaron: Oh, but he is, Captain. Simply observe for yourself
- how easily your ship and your crew succumbed to even
- the simplest of our techniques.
- Picard: Fortunate happenstance. We weren't expecting it...
- Aaron: I'm afraid not, Captain. We've successfully subjected
- entire nations to these techniques, and they have
- capitulated quite readily. They've even welcomed it.
- Picard: Welcomed it?!??!!! No doubt you didn't give them a
- choice!
- Aaron: Oh, but we did, Captain. They could have stopped at
- any time. All they had to do was turn us off. There
- were plenty of alternatives. Movies, live theatre --
- something which I understand you're familiar with --,
- even PBS. But they *chose* to stay with us. We didn't
- make that choice for them. Humans *want* to be stupid,
- Picard. Otherwise, we would not have been successful.
- Look at your own history. Drug abuse, religious wars
- of all kinds, American politics, the legal profession,
- rec.humor, talk.bizarre, IBM, Apple.... The list goes
- on and on.
- Picard: We've grown beyond that. To quote my first officer,
- we're not savages anymore.
- Aaron: Ah, yes. Your first officer, who is currently
- participating in various forms of debauchery without
- protection, which by now your species should realize is
- the height of stupidity. No, Captain. Your species is
- no better now than it was a thousand years ago.
- Picard: He's under your influence! He wouldn't do such a thing
- of his own accord. How can you call yourselves
- superior when you treat those beneath you so harshly?
- Aaron: It's not like we're heartless monsters, Captain. We do
- have morals, and it pains us to see your species so
- easily taken in.
- Steve: I even chose to pull one of my own creations off,
- partly because it was too stupid even for your
- species....
- Picard: [Fishing] But mostly because....
- Steve: [Eagerly completing sentence] It wasn't profitable
- anymore...
- Aaron: Shhhhh!!!!
-
- [ Picard, Data, and Worf look at one another. A lightbulb goes
- on above all three of them. ]
-
- Worf: FERENGI, SIR!!
-
- [ At this very moment, Mel lets out a perfect blood-curdling ear-
- shatterer. All the tumblers on the tray burst into pieces.
- Aaron, Glen, and Steve cover their ears tightly, trying in vain
- to shut out the unexpected sound. Worf, who is used to such
- sounds, drops, rolls, and comes up with his phaser firing. He
- hits Steve, who falls to the ground. His disguise dissolves,
- revealing him to be the Ferengi that he is.]
- [ Worf makes ready to fire at Aaron, but a toy dumptruck nearby
- turns into a warrior robot, and moves toward Worf at about five
- frames per second. Worf spins to parry, but the robot catches
- him in the head, and Worf is knocked unconscious.]
- [ Data rises and phasers the robot (pitifully simple, since it's
- moving at five FPS), turns, and shoots Glen, who crumples to the
- floor. His disguise dissolves, too.]
- [ Suddenly, Data's head pops off on a large spring, and his body
- flops to the ground. ]
-
- Data's head: Oh dear!
-
- [ Mel stops screaming, and falls to the ground exhausted. Picard
- recovers from the ordeal. He looks to the end of the table to
- see Aaron, or rather, the Ferengi officer. Picard raises his
- phaser and fires.]
- [ POING! A large flag pops out of his phaser, reading "BANG!" ]
-
- Ferengi: It is too late, Picard Captain. Your ship will
- transmit our stupidity waves across your entire
- Federation. Your species will be turned into babbling
- nincompoops, and we will profit endlessly from your
- species as a result, selling them cheap merchandise at
- inflated prices.
-
- [ He punches a button victoriously on a box behind him. ]
-
- Ferengi: Good-BYE, Picard Captain!!!
-
- [ The Ferengi steps to leave through a side door, but falls
- through a trap door that appears out of nowhere. There is a long
- descending whistling sound, followed by a faint "POW". ]
- [ Shortly thereafter, an image appears on the box's screen: ]
-
- Box: WHEEL! OF! FORTUNE!
-
- [ The Doctor runs in abject terror. ]
-
- Box: Look at this studio! Filled with glamorous bonus
- prizes! Fabulous and exciting merchandise!!
-
- [ Picard screams in agony, unable to turn his eyes away from the
- screen. ]
-
- Box: Our first puzzle is a phrase. [Doo dee ding dong]
- Data's head: Sir!! Destroy the box!! Quickly!
- Box: "One-fifty." "S!" BZZT! "Nope, no S."
- Picard: With what?
- Data's head: Anything!!!!
- Box: "Two hundred..."
- Picard: There's nothing here! What should I use?!?!??!
- Data's head: R! Guess R!
- Box: "P!" BZZZT! "Nope, no P."
- Data's head: You idiot!!
-
- [ Data is lost to the stupidity wave. Picard forces himself
- toward the device. The box has a slot with the legend "Tape". ]
-
-
- Picard: [Summoning all his will power] COMPUTER!
- Computer: Hi there!
- Picard: Eject the tape!!
- Computer: [BINGGGGGGGGGG...] Are you sure you want to do that?
- Picard: YES!!!!
- Computer: [BINGGGGGGGGGG...] Are you absolutely sure? It's not
- finished with yet....
-
- [ Picard ignores the question. He manages to look at the
- conference table, and notices a stack of papers. He grabs the
- stack, and removes the paper clip holding them together. He
- bends it straight, and shoves it over, the screen does not go
- blank. ]
-
- Box: Yes, there are three F's. [Ding. Ding. Ding.]
- Picard: DATA! WHAT DO I DO!!???
- Data's head: Guess R! Guess R!
-
- [ In a final desperate act, Picard throws the tape at the screen
- with all the strength he can muster. The tape case and screen
- crack. The screen goes blank. For a moment, all is quiet.
- Then, the tape and screen start arcing, slowly at first, but
- gaining in intensity. Picard steps back. ]
-
- Data's head: [Recovering] Sir! You must get it off the ship
- at once, and get as far away as possible!
-
- [ Picard moves to put Data back together. ]
-
- Data's head: No sir! There's no time for that! You must get
- it off the ship now!!!
-
- [ By now, the box and tape are arcing too wildly for Picard to
- pickup. He wracks his brains.... ]
-
- Picard: Computer! Exit!
- Computer: Sure thing!
-
- [ The exit appears. Picard rushes outside to find the nearest
- transporter. The ship is still in chaos. Thousands of tubes of
- pump-format Crest For Kids obstruct his path. He stumbles over a
- Pet Rock. He rounds a corner and collides with a man dressed in
- a white suit. ]
-
- Man: Welcome to Fantasy Starship! I am Mr. Roark, your
- host.
-
- [ Picard phasers him, revealing a dwarf behind him. ]
-
- Dwarf: Oooo, dat wasn't verry nice!
-
- [ Picard phasers him, too. He continues to rush down the
- corridor. Suddenly, an ancient petrochemical-powered vehicle
- painted black with flickering red lights on the front rounds the
- corner and speeds toward Picard at 100 MPH. Picard attempts to
- phaser it, but the beam simply bounces off with some cheap
- pyrotechnics. ]
-
- Car: Michael! There's a man obstructing the corridor!
- Driver: I see him. Turbos, buddie!
-
- [ PWAFFFF!! The car sails into the air, over Picard, and into
- the wall behind him. The car is demolished. ]
-
- Car: That was pretty damn stupid, Michael....
- Driver: Well, it's always worked before....
-
- [ Picard does not hear the rest of the conversation. He speeds
- down the hall, turns the final corner, dodges several religious
- fanatics with no hair and handing out flowers, and enters the
- transporter room.]
-
- CONCLUSION NEXT MONTH!!!!!
-
- ========================================================
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-
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- =================================
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- THE OFFICIAL ORGAN OF THE INTERGALACTIC BORG CONSCIOUSNESS
- ISSUE NUMBER 16
- January 1994
-
- RESISTANCE IS FUTILE ("RIF") is published and edited by Oxnardus,
- Ripley, and Swannox for distribution on international, national
- and local electronic services, bulletin board conferences, and
- databases. Address listings, copyright notices, editorial
- notices, and information on back issues are printed at the end of
- this newsletter. All correspondence should be sent by e-mail to
- Oxnardus, Ripley, or Swannox (addresses given at end of
- newsletter) or mailed to "Resistance is Futile", P.O. Box 7822,
- Oxnard, CA 93031.
-
- =========
- CONTENTS
- =========
- YOU WILL BE ASSIMILATED: From the Mail Box
- BEST OF BOTH CURLS, Part 1 of 2
- THE THINKING BORG'S GUIDE TO MOVING HOUSE
- ADVERTISEMENT: LITTLE MISS BORG
- STAR TREK: THE NEXT (de)GENERATION WHERE NO SANE MAN WOULD GO
- Part 6 of 6
- COMICOGRAPHY: STAR TREK DEEP SPACE NINE #4
- SUBSCRIPTION SERVICE & LISTING OF RIF DISTRIBUTION SITES
- Editorial Notices
- Copyright Notices
- Solicitations for next newsletter
- Back issues of RIF available
- Addresses of contributors
-
- =======================
- YOU WILL BE ASSIMILATED
- =======================
- A Monthly Primer for the Borg Collective
- by Swannox of Borg
-
- Swannox was on vacation this month, so this month's column will
- be devoted to a letter received from Luxor of Borg regarding the
- first installment of this series many months ago. Luxor wrote:
-
- In article <1993Aug24.000138.1692@muvms6.wvnet.edu> you write:
- [Introduction not available during assimilation.]
- Have seen:
- > Q Who?
- > Best of Both Worlds pt. 1
- > Best of Both Worlds pt. 2
- Look forward to:
- > I, Borg
- > Descent pt. 1
- > Descent pt. 2 (Upcoming in the 7th season)
- > When watching a Borg episode, one should have the VCR set up
- VCR = Victorious Cyborg Regenerator. Borghilde rides again!
- > Now that you have your viewing list, you need a Checklist:
- > 1. Chex-Mix: Preferred Snack of the Borg
- Does not exist in this sector. Will replicate given genetic
- code.
- > 2. Pizza: Preferred Food of Borg
- A conglomerate - natch.
- > 3. Dove Bar: Preferred Junkfood of Borg
- Reject, as not PC (Powerfully Conscriptive). Superior is: Hawk
- Bar.
- > 4. Jolt Cola: This Col [garbled transmission] in
- > 001, however the following will
- > service: Coke, Pepsi, Mt. Dew, Dr.
- > Pepper, RC Cola, etc. etc.
- > (CRYSTAL PEPSI IS NOT A BORG COLA)
- Hugh would much prefer uncarbonated Fanta. An orange Borg for
- variety. The bubbles are too coy; they hinder digestion.
- > assimilation, Swannox suggests that TACO BELL be assimilated
- Assimilation of Bellcore would be more productive.
- > 1. SHOULD PICARD TAKE GUINEN'S ADVICE:
- > (here is an example from 'Q Who?'-- Picard asks
- > Guinen what she knows about this sector, she says
- > "If I was you, I would turn back now"
- If Guinan were Picard, Whoopi would have a lot of explaining to
- do.
- > Should Picard:
- > A: Turn Back (now)
- > B: Explore the sector
- > The answer is A: Turn Back (now). However, Picard
- > took B: and look what happened.
- Yes, bad news for Borg. Therefore we concur.
- > 2. TECHNOLOGY OR RAW MATERIAL?
- Difference is irrelevant.
- > 3. IS HE LOCUTUS OR IS HE PICARD?
- Locutor = interpreter. He is still Locutus; he just changed
- sides (again, the turncoat!)
- > Another Fun thing to do while watching Borg Episodes is to
- > count how many Feds bite the dust. Example:
- > Best of Both Worlds pt. 2
- > Borg: 1 Cube
- > Feds: ENTIRE STARFLEET
- Unfortunately, 1 Borg Cube is a significantly larger investment.
- Profit and loss balance sheet suggests avoidance of Sector 001 in
- future, unless required as a loss-leader.
- > Hidden Message in the episode that will make up better people.
- > Example:
- > Descent pt. 1
- > Message (this is three of many):
- > Androids can get angry, but it's OK.
- Depends on where you're standing at the time.
- > Families should stick together (Data/Lore)
- Jean-Locutus and his brother affirm that a brawl is good for you.
- > If you're not a star of the show, you get killed
- Therefore Borg will never die. Moreover, like Q, O'Brien and
- Keiko, they appear in two series at once.
- > Next Month: Why too much Sleep and Eating too much can kill
- you!
- Understood, but not assimilated, due to conflict in prime
- motivation.
-
- ==========================
- BEST OF BOTH CURLS, Part 1
- ==========================
- Hareware Productions proudly presents
- "The Best of Both Curls, Part 1"
- A parody of the greatest ST:TNG yet, "The Best of Both Worlds,
- Part 1" Filmed before a live studio audience
-
- SHAMELESS PLUG:
- Call Da Warren BBS & Grill at (805) 854-2478 for lots more like
- it!
- ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
- Picard: (voiceover) Captain's log, stardate forty-three
- ninety-eight nine HIKE! We are en route to Jouret IV to
- investigate the loss of New Providence colony.
-
- <The bridge.>
- Riker: (running hands through his hair) Are you SURE I'm not
- thinning out on top?
- Troi: Stop worrying about your hair! There are better things
- to worry about!
- Riker: Oh yeah? Like what?
- Troi: Like what Leonard's gonna throw at us for the season
- finale!
- Riker: My hair's more important than that!
- Troi: Not much.
- Riker: Maybe I should join the Hair Club for Men.
- Troi: Will, if you don't stop worrying about your hair, you're
- gonna turn out like Kirk!
- All: <GASP!>
- Troi: Yes! Why do you think he couldn't act worth beans? Every
- time he said something, he knew the camera was on him, and he
- started to worry about whether his toupee was on straight!
- Riker: I don't have a toupee!
- Troi: Well, don't get one! Be like Picard and act like you're
- bald on purpose!
- Riker: I'm not bald either!
- Troi: Then go shave your head! Then you will be bald on
- purpose!
- Data: We are approaching Jouret IV.
- Riker: On screen.
- Picard: (poking his head out of his ready room) Hey! I heard
- that! I'm the only one that can say that! <walks over to his
- seat> On screen.
- Riker: Hmph.
- <The viewscreen shows a totally blank planet. It resembles a
- beige billiard ball.>
- Riker: AAAAAAAH! <runs off the bridge screaming>
- Picard: What was that all about?
- Troi: He's afraid he'll go bald.
- Picard: Ridiculous. I'm the bald one here.
- Data: Captain, I am detecting extensive carbon scoring on the
- other side of the planet.
- Troi: I sense great blankness from the planet.
- Picard: On screen.
- Data: How? We're on the other side of the planet!
- Picard: Do it anyway!
- <The screen shows the other side of the planet. This side is
- blank as well. However, written in big black letters that must be
- a couple hundred miles tall, are the words "BORG WUZ HERE
- 43985.2">
- <<COMMERCIAL BREAK>>
- <The conference room>
- Picard: So, the Borg have arrived.
- Bob the Game Show Host: (opening his mouth as wide as possible
- at every opportunity) YEEEEEES! It's time for that pooooooopular
- game show, NAME THAT BOOOOOOORG!
- All: AAAAAAH!
- Bob the Game Show Host: And our first contestant is...
- <A Borg appears.>
- Bob the Game Show Host: Here! What's your name?
- Borg: Eighth of Forty-two.
- Bob the Game Show Host: Welcome to the show, Eighth! You have
- control of the borg... er, board.
- Eighth of Forty-two: Bob, I can name that Borg in TWO implants!
- <Tasha appears and phasers them both. She disappears.>
- Picard: (ahem) So, the Borg have arrived.
- Riker: Yup.
- Troi: See, I told you this was more important than your hair.
- Riker: What should we do?
- Geordi: We could go to 7-11 and buy Slurpees.
- <Everyone looks at everyone else.>
- Picard: All right, let's do that.
- Riker: Why didn't I think of that?
- Data: Probably because you were worried about your toupee.
- Riker: I don't have a toupee!
- Worf: That's your real hair?
- Riker: Yes!
- Worf: No wonder you're worried.
- Riker: I'm not worried!
- Picard (by the door): Hey Riker, are you going with us or not?
- <Riker looks around and sees that everybody else is gone. He gets
- up and leaves. Q appears as the door closes.>
- Q: Darn! Just missed them!
- <7-11. A lot of crew members are there, drinking Slurpees and
- playing video games.>
- Picard: Good work, Mr. La Forge. <slurp>
- Geordi: Anytime, sir. <slurp>
- Worf: They're out of the blood flavor! <grunt>
- <When suddenly Admiral Hanson runs in>
- Adm. Hanson: I've been looking all over for you! Get back in
- the parody! The Borg are attacking!
- <Everyone runs out of the 7-11>
- 7-11 Clerk: Hey, who's gonna pay? Hey! Come back! AAARGH!
- <The bridge. A Borg ship is on the screen.>
- Picard: Fire phasers!
- <Exterior shot. The Enterprise shoots the Borg ship. Nothing
- happens.>
- Worf: Nothing happened!
- Picard: Agh!
- <The ship rocks. Momentary cut to 10-Forward. Guinan is catching
- bottles as they fall off the shelves>
- Guinan: Cut it out!
- <Cut back to the bridge>
- Shelby: Quick, into that nebula!
- Picard: Hey, who are you?
- Shelby: I'm the guest star! Into the nebula!
- <Data pushes buttons and the ship starts moving.>
- Shelby: No, the other nebula!
- Data: Oh, THAT nebula.
- <Data pushes more buttons and the ship starts moving in a
- different direction.>
- <Shot of the Enterprise inside the nebula. The Borg ship cruises
- right by it and doesn't notice.>
- Shelby: Whew! That was close!
- Geordi: (over communicator) Sir, I spilled my Slurpee.
- Picard: We must all make sacrifices, Mr. La Forge. We're at war
- here.
- <<COMMERCIAL BREAK>>
- Data: Sir, the Borg ship has detected us and is moving into the
- nebula as well.
- Picard: Take us out of the nebula, Ensign Rubbervomit, warp 9.
- Ensign Rubbervomit: No! I'm not taking it anymore!
- Picard: What?
- Ensign Rubbervomit: Us ensigns always get stupid names!
- Data: Well, at least you can have emotions!
- Troi: Well, at least you don't have to walk around
- half-topless!
- Riker: Well, at least you have hair!
- Picard: Yeah, at least you have hair!
- Worf: Well, at least you don't have to wear a big heavy metal
- thingy that serves no purpose!
- Geordi: (over intercom) Well, at least you can see!
- Everybody Else on the Ship: Well, at least you get camera time!
- Ensign Rubbervomit: I still wanna change my name! I want
- something like...Smith! Oh, to be a Smith, flying high above the
- trees, fluttering my golden wings as I reach heights never lark,
- or even eagle knew! To be a Smith--
- <Suddenly the ship rocks as the Borg ship fires. Everybody goes
- flying across the bridge.>
- All: AIEE!
- <Space shot of the Enterprise hurtling backwards, out of control.
- Cut back to the bridge.>
- Worf: The Borg ship is following!
- Picard: Quick! Plot a course away, Ensign Smith! Maximum warp!
- <Nothing happens. Ensign Rubbervomit looks around.>
- Ensign Rubbervomit: Hey, why are you looking at me?
- Picard: I thought you changed your name to Smith!
- Ensign Rubbervomit: I haven't done it YET!
- <The ship rocks again. Everybody goes flying again.>
- <Suddenly two Borg beam onto the bridge. They grab Picard.>
- Picard: (waves at Riker) No! It's him you want! Him!
- Riker: Leave me out of this! (runs into the turbolift and
- hides)
- Everyone Else on the Bridge: Yeah, me too! (ditto)
- Picard: AAAAAAAARGH!
- <The Borg disappear with Picard.>
- <<COMMERCIAL BREAK>>
- <The Borg ship. Picard is being escorted by Borg to parts
- unknown. He passes a door with a Borg drawn on it. It says
- "Restrooms">
- Picard: Excuse me! <points to the restroom>
- <The Borg step aside and let Picard in. He looks around and sees
- nothing but little slots in the wall that resemble phone jacks.>
- Picard: Uh-oh. <exits>
- <Cut to Picard sitting in a chair, unconscious. A Borg comes,
- carrying a wig. It tries it on Picard, shakes its head, and walks
- away. This happens two more times until the Borg decide to just
- leave him bald. A Borg touches him with a thermometer-like thing
- and Picard's face turns pale.>
- <Some Borg appear and haul Picard off to a room marked "Fitting
- Rooms." Loud banging, sawing, and welding noises. Picard comes
- out, dressed in a Borg suit.>
- <The bridge>
- Worf: Three of them?
- Riker: Yup! Right in the middle of Ten-Forward, too! <starts
- laughing hysterically>
- Troi: Grrrr...
- Ensign Smith: Hey, what about the Borg ship?
- Riker: What Borg ship?
- <Suddenly everyone gets thrown across the room again>
- Worf: They are... hailing us!?!?!
- <Q appears on the screen in a Borg outfit.>
- Q: I am, er... Q-us. Q-us of Borg. You will be humiliated.
- Riker: You are the one in command of the Borg vessel?
- Q: The qube? <starts laughing his head off> Riker made a funny!
- Riker made a funny! No wait, that was me. Oh well. Bye!
- Riker: (angrily) Q!
- Q: Bleah! <sticks his tongue out>
- <Q disappears. The screen goes off.>
- Worf: They are hailing us again.
- Riker: On screen.
- <Picard appears on the screen in his Borg outfit.>
- Picard: Right! I heard that!
- Riker: Sorry.
- Picard: Sorry is irrelevant. Only Yahtzee matters.
- Riker: Huh?
- Picard: Wait, lemme check my script. <looks at the script> You
- will be assimilated.
- Worf: Come on, you didn't need the script for THAT.
- Riker: And who are you?
- Picard: Baldus. Baldus of Borg. Resistance is futile.
- All: <GASP!>
-
- To be continued next month...
-
- =========================================
- THE THINKING BORG'S GUIDE TO MOVING HOUSE
- =========================================
- By Wazzuus, the Practical guide to Borg Life and Lifestyles
-
- There will come a time in every Borg's life when it is
- apparent that the time is here to move to a new cube. We may
- have assimilated too many new cube mates, or ordered too many
- specialty implants from the BORGIMPLEMENTS catalogue; it may have
- been too long since we've cleaned the oven. It may even have
- reached the point when there are no visible horizontal surfaces,
- and spilled colas-of-your-choice have glued large portions of the
- accumulated miscellany into a sturdy domestic conglomerate.
- Whatever the reason- from nasty vacuum leaks to a deep seated
- desire for a place off limits to Legos and Barney- one morning
- the need to change cube becomes an exigent reality instead of a
- casual thought. Of course, if the need is caused by a new
- assimilation project across the galaxy, one simply moves. There
- are complications- change of address cards come to mind- but they
- are nothing compared to the rococo and serpentine course one
- takes merely to get more room, or nicer wallpaper.
- The first complication is : Build, Buy, or Remodel? All of
- these have the defects of their advantages, and the advantages of
- their defects. Remodeling is especially complicated for the Borg
- residential unit. Geometry itself is responsible for this- adding
- rooms to a cube while keeping it a cube results in an increase in
- living space out of proportion with the needs and budgets of all
- but the most successful Borg. Then there is the major drawback
- for many average Borgs: if we remodel we do not escape the little
- marks which day-to-day life puts on our dwelling units- the marks
- where the outlet for the Cola supply got cross-threaded and
- sprayed the longitudinal corridor from section G through section
- R, the reminders of the beginners salad shooter implant class,
- the weakened exterior wall where interdimensional beings have
- been sapping the atomic weak force.
- We do not, in a word, move into a new clean shiny and
- unsullied cube but rather stay where we are and have to clean and
- repair: bummer.
- Buying a new cube, already built and ready to move into, is an
- apparently simple solution, but finding the right cube, in the
- right location, and without interior divisions apparently
- designed for Borgs from the counter universe, is difficult at
- best. Many of the difficulties result from the arcane rite known
- as financing, which is shared with Building the perfect cube.
- Financing is not necessary, provided one has assimilated credits
- along with organic units (or even better, instead of Biological
- units), or gone back in time and invested a small sum in a
- guaranteed investment on a planet where the economic history has
- been good (this is not foolproof, for as we know any small act of
- a time traveller may imbalance the time-space continuum).
- Otherwise, we must enter the sanctum sanctorum of the loan
- officer and have the innards of our credit records read and the
- future of our financial liabilities projected in the bloody
- process called loan approval.
- Having a new cube built to order is slightly more likely to
- result in a cube which is adapted to the unique needs of your
- Borg Residential Group but, alas, it opens one up to more
- interference from loan officers, intergalactic planning boards,
- previously unsuspected title entanglements, and don't EVEN
- get us started on the vagaries of contractors, subcontractors,
- and suppliers.
- All in all, it can be enough to make one long for a nice,
- deep, complicated cave system and a few good stone implants.
-
- =============
- ADVERTISEMENT
- =============
- From Dawarren BBS
-
- LITTLE MISS BORG
- ----------------
- -- Pull the string and she destroys entire planets without a
- second thought!
- -- Twist her arm and she fires lethal bolts of electricity!
- -- Squeeze her and she talks!
-
- "You will be assimilated"
-
- -- Feed Little Miss Borg! Watch her absorb energy right from
- the socket!
- -- Change her diapers!
-
- Yes kids, the Little Miss Borg dolls! Tell your folks that's
- what you want this Christmas!
-
- 'Cause everybody loves LITTLE MISS BORG!
-
- Hey, grown-ups! Little Miss Borg is a great role model for your
- boy or girl! Batteries not included. Other dolls and
- accessories sold separately.
-
-
- ==================================
- STAR TREK: THE NEXT (de)GENERATION
- WHERE NO SANE MAN WOULD GO
- ==================================
- Original source and author unknown.
- Contributed by Dragon and reprinted from ZenTrek (AnarchyNet Sub
- moderated by Oxnardus of Borg.
-
- PART SIX OF SIX:
-
- [Picard scrabbles at the controls. He programs the computer to
- connect to the holodeck's interprocess communication port, and
- extract the box/tape from the holodeck and place it on the
- transporter platform. In moments, the box/tape appears, arcing
- wildly. Picard punches in random coordinates frantically, and
- energizes. The box/tape disappears. ]
-
- Picard: [Punching comm. panel] Ensign Tsu!!
- Tsu: Yo!
- Picard: Get us out of here!! Warp nine!!
- Tsu: But I want to see if she wins the bonus round...
- [ Picard curses, and rushes into the hallway. He runs to a
- bridge-access turbolift, and suddenly remembers that the only way
- on to the main bridge is by turbolift. Cursing again, he spins
- around and heads for engineering.]
- [ He manages to duck a salesman hawking something called
- MultiFinder, and phasers a few Writer's Guild workers picketing
- in the hallway. He rounds another corner, and collides with a
- heavy-set man with glasses, and a pocket protector. He is
- holding a thick tome of stapled pages. ]
- Man: Hi. We're thinking of implementing the keyword 'noalias'.
- What do you think? Not that what you think makes any
- difference....
- Picard: [Picking himself up] Huh?
- Man: We're also going to make the string space read-only, and
- enforce parenthetical groupings in all cases. We feel this will
- go a long way to make C a respected standard, like Pascal and
- Ada.
- Picard: What about binary constants?
- Man: Sorry, no way. No prior art....
- [ PHWATT!! Picard phasers him and the tome. He continues
- running. In short order, he arrives at the door to engineering,
- and nearly runs into it, since it fails to open. Picard waves
- his arms around, but nothing happens. ]
- Picard: COMPUTER!
- Computer:Hi there!
- Picard: Open this door!
- Computer:[BINGGGGGGGGGG...] Are you sure you want me to do
- that?
- Picard: YES!!!!
- Computer:Okay, you asked for it!
- [ Pshhhhhhhh! Instantly, the corridor is inundated with water.
- Three men ride out in a bathtub, slapping each other. ]
- Man 1: You idiots! [THUMP! BONK!]
- Man 2&3:Oooff!
- [ Picard forces his way in to the nearest control console. ]
- Picard: Engineer!
- Engineer:Chief Engineer Frederick Y. Airhead here, sir.
- Picard: Start the main engines!
- Engineer:But we haven't unclogged the toilets yet.....
- Picard: I DON'T GIVE A SH*T!!!!
- Engineer:No, but the toilets will if we start the engines.
- [Into comm. panel] How are you two making out down there?
- Female voice 1:Laverne! Get your head out of the
- matter-antimatter reactor!
- Female voice 2: I can't, Shirley! My hairpins are caught!
- Hand me the magnetic scissors...
- Female voice 1: You mean this?
- Female voice 2: No! Not that! [BLAM! static....]
- Picard: [Losing it] START THE ENGINES!! **NOW!!!**
- Engineer:[Capitulating] Aye aye, sir.
- [ Airhead presses the engine start button. Immediately, all the
- toilets on the Enterprise violently spew forth odiferous gunk. A
- disgusting but nonetheless impressive sight. ]
- Picard: Course is set! WARP NINE, NOW!!!
- Engineer:But sir!....
- Picard: ***>>NOW, YOU FLATHEAD!!!<<***
- [ Airhead shuts his eyes tight, and presses a Big Red Button. ]
- CUT TO EXTERIOR REAR SHOT:
- [RumblerumbleburbleburblebucoughubbleBuSLOSHubbbubububBubUUBUBB..
- ..**SPLOWFFFF!!!!** Water spurts out of every conceivable engine
- orifice.]
- [ fwEESH!!! POOOWWWWWW!!!!! ]
- Picard: Computer! Rear viewer!
- Computer:Righto!
- [ The ship diagram on the wall vanishes and is replaced by a view
- of the rear of the ship. Stars streak off into the void at warp
- nine. Suddenly, the biggest, loudest, most impressive, and most
- expensive explosion ILM ever made goes off. The entire ship is
- flooded with an intense white hazy light. The ship rocks
- violently. People are bouncing off the walls. Sparks fly
- everywhere. ]
- CUT TO YAR'S BEDROOM.
- Troi:Oh, Umzadi! In-CREDIBLE!
- Riker: [Smirking] Uh, thanks.
- CUT TO EXTERNAL SHOT OF EXPLOSION EFFECTS. ILM STRUTS THEIR
- STUFF LIKE NEVER BEFORE. NOT A SINGLE MATTE LINE ANYWHERE! AS
- THE EXPLOSION SUBSIDES, THE RESULTING CLOUD FORMS ITSELF INTO THE
- VAGUE SHAPE OF A CLOWN'S HEAD. AND DESPITE THE TOTAL VACUUM OF
- SPACE, WE CAN BARELY MAKE OUT A VOICE, WHICH SEEMS TO UTTER, "I
- have complete faith in Ed Meese." SOON, ALL IS DARK AND SILENT.
- CUT BACK TO ENGINEERING. PICARD IS LEANING AGAINST THE CONTROL
- PANEL. HE AWAKENS, AND LOOKS ABOUT.
- Picard:[Shouting at ceiling] Bridge! Ensign Tsu!
- Ceiling:Aye, sir.
- Picard: Damage report.
- Ceiling:[Pause] No damage, sir.
- Picard: No damage?? That's impossible!!
- Ceiling:With all due respect sir, so was everything else that
- happened in this kooky story.
- Picard: [Reflecting] Hmmm. Quite right, Ensign. I'm on my
- way up.
- CUT TO BRIDGE. THE ENTIRE BRIDGE CREW IS ASSEMBLED. DATA IS IN
- ONE PIECE AGAIN.
- Picard:So the destruction of the Ferengi device caused all the
- chaos on the ship to spontaneously vanish and return to normal.
- Data: Correct, sir. Since there was no logical foundation for
- the chaos to exist upon, the anomalies vanished when the Ferengi
- device was destroyed.
- Picard: Hmmmm... Do you suppose that they may try again?
- Data: Unknown.
- Riker: I certainly hope not. What do you think, Deanna?
- [ Troi says nothing; she just keeps purring and petting Riker. ]
- Worf: I think the Ferengi will not try again. They do not have
- the necessary bravery.
- Picard: Yes, Worf. You were unaffected. Aren't Klingons
- susceptible to stupidity?
- Worf: [Shakes head] Klingons are immune to all forms of human
- weakness.
- Geordi: Except, it would seem, ethnocentricity.
- Picard: We may have a great deal to learn from you, Worf. It
- would seem that we, as a race, have a great deal of maturing to
- do. Data, lay in a course for Starbase One. We're in serious
- need of some R&R.
- Data: Course plotted and laid in, sir.
- Picard: Engage.
- [ Freedlezrowp! ]
- Riker: What about the Robinson family?
- Picard: What about them?
- Riker: Well, are we going to keep them on board, or what?
- Data: I'd like to keep the Robot, if I may. It could prove
- most intriguing.
- Picard:Absolutely not! I'm having them transferred to the USS
- Scuttlebucket, which will land them on Earth in about eight
- months. It'll give them time to get a clue.
- Geordi: What about The Doctor and Mel?
- Data: Mel disappeared with the Ferengi device. The Doctor
- regenerated into a different actor with much better fashion
- sense, entered his blue box, and disappeared.
- Picard: Good. I didn't have much use for them.
- [ FOOMP! A lemon meringue pie lands squarely on Wesley's head.
- Picard eyes him with some regard. ]
- Riker: It was Data's idea sir. He's still exploring the nature
- of human humor.
- Picard: Excellent, Data! You're beginning to get the idea.
- Wesley: I'm going to sell you for scrap, Data.
- Picard: Shut up, Wesley.
- [ Riker smirks. ]
- Picard: And don't smirk, Number One.
- Riker: Sir.
- Picard: And *stop* hunching your head between your shoulders!
- T H E E N D
- (Thank God!)
-
- ============
- COMICOGRAPHY
- ============
- by Swannox
-
- STAR TREK, DEEP SPACE NINE #4
- -----------------------------
- The Television Series is Superior Fiction on television, and
- as far as current Star Trek Comic Books go, Deep Space Nine is
- superior to the other versions of Trek. HOWEVER....(you had to
- see it coming.) Deep Space Nine as a comic has a long way to go
- as far as script writing. The First two issues were very good,
- however the third, while having potential seemed to let me down.
- This current Issue of DS9 while having great potential as a
- story seemed to let me down. First place, the action seems to
- move far too fast for my pleasure, jumping from scene to scene
- far to fast.
- My second gripe is that the characters do not seem themselves
- at times. If I read Quark referring to his bar as "Honest
- Quark's" one more time... and Character Development or better
- yet, PLOT DEVELOPMENT. It's only four issues old, however while
- established characters, some development needs to take place
- instead of 2-D figures on paper...and the plot seems to come to
- the conclusion all of the sudden as if they rushed the story
- along to get to the 24 pages they are limited to.
-
- This aside....
-
- Issue #4
- Emancipation Part 1
- Writer: Mike W. Barr
-
- While cruising in the gamma quadrant, and amidst Dr. Bashir
- trying to score in the back of the runabout with Dax, the duo
- comes across a rather big but mostly junker of a vessel, with a
- primitive cloaking device, and inferior tractor beam.
- After finding the ship full of dying aliens, Dax brings them
- back to DS9 where Bashir takes care of them. Their injuries
- let the DS9 crew to figure out that they were slaves and the
- aliens admit it is true and ask for asylum.
- They then cruise the station like teenagers in a shopping
- mall. The alien owners then come after them and request their
- property back. At the same time a few of the aliens tell Dax of
- a legendary planet and she finds it (of course) in this quadrant.
- Some of aliens steal a runabout and head off for this planet,
- which is their legendary home.
- [Editor's Comment: This plot line appears to be very similar
- to the Deep Space episode "Sanctuary", where the Skreel (or
- whatever) decide that Bajor is their legendary ancestral
- homeland. The Skreel go around the space station picking up stuff
- and one takes a ship without authorization to land on Bajor.]
- There are a couple of plot twists that I have left out of the
- review that should be, I try to leave some of the story as a
- mystery in the event that someone might go out and read this.
- The story is improving and I figure that it's just a new book,
- new to the story, etc. The art is solid, much better than that
- of DC Comics Trek Books. I will say this, they almost have Odo
- down pat.
-
- Next Review.......Emancipation part 2
-
-
- ========================================================
- SUBSCRIPTION SERVICE & LISTING OF RIF DISTRIBUTION SITES
- ========================================================
- If you have an e-mail address at InterNet, Genie, NVN,
- Prodigy, AOL, Compu-serve, or FidoNet (or anything that has a
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- subscription list and have RIF sent to you via e-mail each month.
- Just e-mail your request to Oxnardus and your name will be put on
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- BBS distribution centers:
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- ?, OK
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-
- ==============
- EDITOR NOTICES
- ==============
- The Borg Club is located EVERYWHERE. If you wish to be
- assimilated just ask a local Borg to do so, or do it yourself.
- There is no shame in being a self-made borg. We are sure they are
- many who would be more than happy to assimilate you quickly and
- painlessly, not to mention take your culture and technology from
- you as well.
-
- =================
- COPYRIGHT NOTICES
- =================
- "RIF" acknowledges that Paramount Pictures and its various
- subsidiaries as having the sole rights to the Star Trek
- trademark. "RIF" has no intention to infringe upon that copyright
- or earn profit from this publication. It is distributed free of
- charge. This newsletter may be distributed by anyone if kept
- intact and not altered in any way. Consider it shareware
- publishing! Resistance is Futile, copyright (c) 1994 by RIF BBS.
-
-
- =================================
- SOLICITATIONS FOR NEXT NEWSLETTER
- =================================
- The next Resistance is Futile will be released on or about
- February 1, 1994 (yeah, right!). It shall commemorate the boffo
- second year of the International Borg Club's existence. Send
- submissions to Oxnardus, Ripley, or Swannox at the addresses
- notated below for consideration for a future issue. "RIF" is a
- non-profit fan publication. All submissions for publication
- should be sent to the editors. The editors retain editorial
- control and reprint privileges over the submitted materials and
- reserve the right to use the material in whatever way they deem
- appropriate. Submitted materials will not be returned to the
- sender.
-
- ============================
- BACK ISSUES OF RIF AVAILABLE
- ============================
- Missing an issue? Just e-mail Oxnardus which issue you want.
- After three requests or 30 days has passed (whichever comes
- first!) that issue will be sent to you via InterNet or GEnie e-
- mail. If you do not have access to InterNet or any InterNet
- gateways, just send $1.00 per issue (for handling and postage) to
- RIF BBS, P.O. Box 7822, Oxnard, CA 93031. Please indicate which
- issue you desire. All back issues are available!
-
-
- =========================
- ADDRESSES OF CONTRIBUTORS
- =========================
- EDITORS:
- -------
- OXNARDUS:GEnie:K.Taborn; Prodigy:HCMH17A; InterNet:
- k.taborn@genie.geis.com; FidoNet: Oxnardus @ 1:206/2513;
- VirtualNet: 197 @ 1805020; WWIVNet: Oxnardus 115 @ 8500;
- AnarchyNet: Oxnardus @ 42:1005/1201; RipCity BBS: Oxnardus;
- RIME:Kym Taborn; US Mail: RIF BBS, P.O. Box 7822, Oxnard, CA
- 93031
- RIPLEY:Genie:M.Samuels1; Prodigy:NRCR88A; NVN:Msamuels;
- InterNet: m.samuels1@genie.geis.com; RipCity BBS: Ripley; US
- Mail: RIF BBS, P.O. Box 7822, Oxnard, CA 93031
- SWANNOX:Internet:swann1@muvns6.wvnet.edu; RIF BBS: Swannox;
- Bitnet: Swann1@MUVMS6; Prodigy: JPRN49A
-
- CONTRIBUTORS:
- ------------
- DRAGON:[SysOp: The Dragon's Realm - (805) 524-DRGN (3746)];
- AnarchyNet: Dragon @ 42:1005/1203; RIPCITY: The Dragon
- LEONARD RICHARDSON: SySop: Da Warren BBS (805) 854-2478
- LUXOR OF BORG: InterNet:ecsgrt@luxor.latrobe.edu.au
- WAZZUUS OF BORG: InterNet: Juliaellen@aol.com; AOL: juliaellen
-
-
-
-
-
- Path: newserv.ksu.ksu.edu!moe.ksu.ksu.edu!vixen.cso.uiuc.edu!howland.reston.ans.net!darwin.sura.net!wvnvms!marshall.wvnet.edu!swann1
- Newsgroups: rec.arts.startrek.current
- Subject: BORG NEWSLETTER #17
- Message-ID: <1994Apr21.235147.5745@muvms6>
- From: swann1@muvms6.wvnet.edu
- Date: 21 Apr 94 23:51:47 EDT
- Organization: Marshall University
- Lines: 758
-
-
- BBS Subscribers: Please compress this text file and distribute it through
- your boards.
-
- _____________ ____________ ____________
- * / R \ */ \ */ \
- * | E ______ | *\____ ____/ *| ________/
- * | S |******| | ****| |*** *| F |********
- * | I | *| | *| | *| U |____
- * | S ~~~~~~~ / *| I | *| T \
- * | T ____ \ *| S | *| I ____/
- * | A |*** \ \ *| | *| L |***
- * | N | * \ \ ___*| |____ *| E |
- * | C | * \ \/ \ *| |
- * \__E_/ * \___/______________/ *\____/
- ***** **** ************** *****
- P.O. Box 7822
- Oxnard, CA 93031
- THE OFFICIAL ORGAN OF THE INTERGALACTIC BORG CONSCIOUSNESS
- ISSUE NUMBER 17
- February 1994
-
- RESISTANCE IS FUTILE ("RIF") is published and edited by Oxnardus,
- Ripley, and Swannox for distribution on international, national
- and local electronic services, bulletin board conferences, and
- databases. Address listings, copyright notices, editorial
- notices, and information on back issues are printed at the end of
- this newsletter. All correspondence should be sent by e-mail to
- Oxnardus, Ripley, or Swannox (addresses given at end of
- newsletter) or mailed to "Resistance is Futile", P.O. Box 7822,
- Oxnard, CA 93031.
-
- =========
- CONTENTS
- =========
- INCREDIBLY DEPRESSING NEWS (BUT WITH A HAPPY ENDING!)
- TWO YEARS OF COLLECTIVISM AND SATIRE
- YOU WILL BE ASSIMILATED: What to Watch
- FROM THE TEMPLE
- BEST OF BOTH CURLS, Part 1 of 2
- STAR TREK COMICOLOGY: DS9 #5: Emancipation Part II
- SUBSCRIPTION SERVICE & LISTING OF RIF DISTRIBUTION SITES
- Editorial Notices
- Copyright Notices
- Solicitations for next newsletter
- Back issues of RIF available
- Addresses of contributors
-
- =====================================================
- INCREDIBLY DEPRESSING NEWS (BUT WITH A HAPPY ENDING!)
- =====================================================
- Two things really. The first piece of depressing news was the
- Northridge Earthquake in Southern California (USA). Although
- Oxnard is about 50 miles away from the quake's epicenter, my hard
- drive was a victim of the disaster. At first, panic ensued. But
- then a friend, Trilleth (whom has never contributed to this fine
- newsletter -- but this fact doesn't in any way detract from her
- being a wonderful and generous person), allowed me to finish this
- issue on her computer. Furthermore, I lost data on a mailing list
- for back issues. I've been to reconstruct some of the list.
- However, I am not too sure who has been sent copies and who have
- not. I will send out back issues as soon as possible. To those I
- am not to sure whether they have received them or not, I will e-
- mail them asking them to confirm whether they have received the
- back issues. I apologize for this inconvenience, but when those
- tectonic plates want to move, they move, and unfortunately, I
- move with them!
- The second piece of depressing news was that this was to be
- the boffo 2nd borgiversary DOUBLE issue -- now it isn't. I have
- trimmed it down to a regular size because of the pandemonium of
- surviving a 6.6 earthquake.
- The happy ending? I replaced my 89 MEG hard drive with a 245
- MG hard drive and I am back in business. I have a few bent plants
- and a few broken mugs, but RIF goes on.
- --Oxnardus, of Sunny Semi-Tropical, Semi-Liquid Oxnard
- Editor-in-Chief, of this fine newsletter
-
- ====================================
- TWO YEARS OF COLLECTIVISM AND SATIRE
- ====================================
- If someone would have told us that on February 17, 1992, we
- would be for two years collecting and distributing Borg jokes,
- satires, inborgation, and other hi-jinks, we would have told them
- they were quite plainly insane. Well, it turns out we were
- perhaps the ones insane.
- The International Borg Club began February 17, 1992 on Prodigy
- in the Arts Bulletin Board, Science Fiction Topic. We, ourselves,
- assimilated February 18, 1992. We began as a single borg unit and
- clawed our way up the collective to finally serving as the Big
- Cahuna for a year and a half and then retiring. Our only official
- duties to the collective remain as chief editor of our unifying
- and persistent newsletter "Resistance is Futile".
- "Resistance is Futile" is now circulated in at least five
- countries and read monthly by an estimated audience of at least
- 5,000. We are distributed over international and national
- electronic services and over 25 electronic bulletin boards around
- the world. It is distributed free of charge and is created by
- volunteers and amateur writers from all over the world. Without
- the support of the readers and writers, all those Borg jokes
- would have never been shared by so many. The world would truly be
- a lesser place for that. On this second anniversary of the
- International Borg Club, we thank and applaud all those who have
- supported this newsletter and club through times good and bad.
- Thank you.
- As an interactive club, the Borg Club has had it's ups and
- downs. The usual pattern has been outbursts of activity followed
- by a period of inactivity. We have received reports of Borg
- Bistros and Borg Blues Clubs being opened up on several bulletin
- boards across the country, as well as on Prodigy, the Ur-home of
- the Borg Club. You can't keep a good club down. The Borg Club
- only exists because of the stubbornness of it's members and
- supporters to have fun. That this has been sustained for two
- years is a monument to the obvious need of people to get together
- and be goofy about Star Trek. And the Borg Club is goofy in it's
- very essence.
- This issue was to be the 2nd Borgiversary Double Issue, but
- the earthquake shook that idea right out of us. However, we hope
- you enjoy the following issue.
- --Oxnardus, Editor in Chief
-
- =======================
- YOU WILL BE ASSIMILATED
- =======================
- What's Wrong With This Picture?
- -------------------------------
- Episode: I Borg
- Setup: Riker, Worf and Bev, the Dancing Doctor, take a little
- away party to this icerock of a planet to answer a distress
- signal. How come they are not wearing any winter gear? Also, you
- can hear the wind howling in the background; how come you cannot
- see the wind effecting Riker and the crew--not a hair out of
- place.
-
- Terminology Update
- ------------------
- In the liner notes in the Star Trek Next Generation Compact
- Disc of the Original Music from Best of Both Worlds Part 1 and 2,
- the Borg Collective is also referred to as Borg Central
- Intelligence.
-
- You Will Be Assimilated (it's just a fact of life)
- --------------------------------------------------
- Welcome to another fun filled edition of You Will Be
- Assimilated, the column dedicated to helping you, the new raw
- material, become useful productive little facets of the Borg
- Collective. This month's column will cover what to do with your
- time when Star Trek isn't on.
- Science Fiction Fans now more than ever have a larger source
- of weekly programming to give that sci-fi fix.
-
- Star Trek (TOS)
- ---------------
- To this day, the best of the best. Classic Characters with
- Kirk, McCoy, and Spock. The Franchise will never die it seems
- and watching Trek Rerun's hundred times over never get old.
-
- Star Trek: The Next Generation
- ------------------------------
- Most Markets offer this program in weekly reruns and after
- this season, The Next Generation will not be in it's current
- form. The Movie ReAlm is the next stop for NCC 1701-D.
-
- Star Trek: Deep Space Nine
- --------------------------
- More original in concept than Next Generation, this Spinoff
- has shown that it is a contender with a TOS type humor and the
- relationship between Odo and Quark. The Universe beyond the
- wormhole gives DS9 an edge over The Next Generation.
-
- Time Trax
- ---------
- In 2193 the Police Discover why all their criminals have been
- turning up missing. They are in the past. So Darrian Lambert and
- his artificial intelligent computer Selma track down the future
- fugitives in the 20th Century. Produced by Harve Bennett, the
- same man who gave us Star Trek II. You can see the quality and
- the solid scripts in this work.
-
- Babylon Five
- ------------
- Deep Space Nine Clone Right? Actually, the folks who bring us
- this new show came up with the concept of a Space Station Show
- before Berman and the Star Trek Franchise. The UN of the stars,
- it's the very loose glue holding together five alien empires.
- Nice Visual Look with the Video Toaster. With some good scripts,
- this will be a winner. It will last longer than Space Rangers
- did.
-
- Viper
- -----
- Super Car, Man with new Identity. The Goal: Rid the Streets of
- Crime. Didn't NBC do this before? While it looks like Knight
- Rider, The Viper Car is not the Knight Industries 2000. However
- a solid cast and good acting should make this show a winner.
-
- Sea Quest DSV
- -------------
- Voyage to the Bottom of the Sea for the 90's. (Anyone
- remember that show with the flying sub?) More accurate is Star
- Trek meets The Hunt for Red October. Nice Visual Look and that
- Roy guy makes it a winner. However, this is my personal opinion.
- Darwin=Data; Lucus=Wesley; Doctor=Beverly Crusher; Security=Worf;
- 1st officer=Riker; Get the point?
-
- Lois and Clark, The Adventures of Superman
- ------------------------------------------
- It's a love story, No it's a action story, no it's a drama.
- Look up in the sky, it's a Bird, no, it's a plane, no, It's a guy
- in red and blue tights! This is The Superman we always wanted to
- see. The Cast is very solid and worth the watch. Note, This
- comes on at the same time as Sea Quest. Best Bet: tape one and
- watch the other.
-
- Action Pack
- -----------
- This will be an anthology series, featuring two hour movie
- episodes on a rotation. The first episode is Tekwar, the brain
- child of William Shatner. To come to Shatner's defense, The Tek
- series has proven very popular. I myself have almost finished
- the original novel TekWar and it was well written. Shatner is
- directing this and before you flip down to the next article,
- Shatner in directing Trek 5 gave into Paramount more than
- anything, so the film you saw was not what Shatner had in mind.
- Other features in this anthology series include Vanishing Son,
- Hercules, Bandit, Another Midnight Run, Fastlane (John Landis).
- TV Guide rated Tekwar as a knockout.
-
- Robocop
- -------
- The First Movie, Toned down for TV.
-
- Star Trek: Voyager
- ------------------
- ????????????????? Coming in January 1995.
-
- Note, while TV Guide beat RIF to press, This was put together
- independently before and during (with some added info) the week
- that TV Guide released there Special Sci-Fi issue.
- My Recommendation, set a couple of VCR's for this season.
-
- ===============
- FROM THE TEMPLE
- ===============
- by Olymonk
- The sanctuary is clean but the smell of polish and the clean
- altar are not good signs. No one has come for too many days, no
- one has touched the any key since it was dusted and put in
- stasis.
- A single chiming note, and the screen above the altar begins
- to glow, faintly and then with a light which touches the furthest
- corners of the temple. A smiling monitor appears, then a black
- desktop with a single folder icon at its center.
- The black robed priestess appears, glittering faintly. She
- kneels before the keyboard and touches the any key, whereby the
- folder opens and these words scroll across the screen.
- FOR AS WE WERE GIVEN THE GREAT GIFT OF SPEAKING ACROSS
- DISTANCES, TO FIND THE SIBLINGS OF OUR HEARTS, LET US GIVE THANKS
- TO THE PHYSICAL AND CHEMICAL PROPERTIES OF SILICON, WITHOUT WHICH
- WE WOULD BE SILENT AND ALONE.
- AT THIS TIME OF NEW STARTS, LET US PURGE OUR HARD DISKS OF ALL
- THAT IS SUPERSEDED BY A NEW AND BETTER VERSION, OF ALL THAT IS
- NEEDLESSLY REDUNDANT, OF ALL THAT IS INCOMPATIBLE WITH OUR LATEST
- SYSTEM.
- LET US BACK UP EVERYTHING ON FLOPPY OR TAPE, AND LEAVE ON THE
- HARD DISK ONLY THAT WHICH IS ESSENTIAL TO OUR EVERYDAY
- OPERATIONS. LET US THEREBY LEAVE ROOM FOR NEW DOWNLOADS, AND YEA
- EVEN FOR NEW CDI GAMES WHICH WILL BRIGHTEN OUR MOMENTS OFFLINE.
- LET US FIND, WHILE WE DO THIS, THE LOST DOCUMENTS AND
- FORGOTTEN ADDRESSES OF SIBLINGS WHO WE HAVE NOT FORGOTTEN, AND
- WHEN WE DO THIS LET US WRITE THEM BEFORE WE GET DISTRACTED.
- LET US IN THIS NEW YEAR SAVE THAT WHICH ENRICHES OUR LIVES,
- AND BY WHICH WE ENRICH THE LIVES OF OTHERS, AND DELETE THE
- FEEDBACK LOOPS WHICH STEAL OUR ENERGY AND MAKE US A BURDEN TO OUR
- FELLOW BEINGS.
- TO THAT GREAT NET WHICH BINDS US AND FREES US, WE PRAY
- ENTER, AND RETURN.
- The monk turns and leaves the sanctuary, the last two lines
- left glowing on the screen.
-
- ==========================
- BEST OF BOTH CURLS, Part 2
- ==========================
- Hareware Productions proudly presents
- "The Best of Both Curls, Part 2"
- A parody of the greatest ST:TNG yet, "The Best of Both Worlds,
- Part 2" The live studio audience left, sorry.
-
- SHAMELESS PLUG:
- Call Da Warren BBS & Grill at (805) 854-2478 for lots more like
- it!
- ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
- "Last Time" Voice: Last time, on Silly Trek: The Next
- Generation!
- <Cut to the bridge>
- Riker: (running hands through his hair) Are you SURE I'm not
- thinning out on top?
- <Cut to a view of a totally blank planet. Written in big black
- letters are the words "BORG WUZ HERE 43985.2">
- <The bridge again. Two Borg beam in. They grab Picard.>
- Picard: (waves at Riker) No! It's him you want! Him!
- <The Borg disappear with Picard.>
- <Cut to Riker talking to Picard in his Borg outfit on the
- viewscreen.>
- Riker: Who are you?
- Picard: Baldus. Baldus of Borg. Resistance is futile.
- All: <GASP!>
- "And Now" Voice: And now, the exciting...well, sort of
- exciting...funny...silly...typed conclusion!
- <Cut to Riker's face>
- Riker: Oh no! First I lose all my hair--
- Everyone Else on the Bridge: You haven't lost it YET!
- Riker: All right, I'll put that in second place. First the only
- person that gives me any character purpose--
- Troi: <ahem>
- Riker: Besides you! The only person besides Troi that gives me
- any character purpose gets kidnapped and turned into a Borg, and
- then I lose all--
- Everyone Else on the Bridge: You haven't lost it YET!
- Riker: I'm going to if you keep interrupting! Okay, forget my
- dramatic speech! Let's just think of something to do!
- Worf: We could fire on them.
- Riker: Yeah, but Picard's on board!
- Worf: So what? It would help the ratings.
- Data: We could have a turbolift-stuffing contest.
- Riker: We did that when Picard got kidnapped, it didn't even
- get any camera time!
- Ensign Smith: We could kill an ensign. Agh! <falls over dead>
- Riker: We could tie up Troi and--
- Troi: No we couldn't.
- Riker: Yeah we could!
- Troi: You could, but you better not.
- Data: We could beat up on Wesley.
- <They all look around for Wesley, but he is nowhere to be found.>
- Riker: Hm... how about a musical number?
- Worf: Okay! <pulls out a tuba>
- <Everyone on the bridge stands up. Riker pulls out a rubber duck
- and begins to sing "Rubber Ducky," everyone else sings harmony.>
- Riker: Rubber Ducky, you're the one! <squeak, squeak> You make
- bathtime lots of fun! <squeak, squeak> Rubber Ducky, you're my
- very very very best friend! Rubber Ducky, you're so fine!
- <squeak, squeak> I'm so glad that you're mine--
- <The Borg ship fires. Everyone goes flying across the room.>
- Baldus: Hey! Look alive! Do I have to do everything to advance
- the plot?
- Riker: That does it! Worf, fire the phasers!
- <Worf does.>
- Worf: No visible or detectable effect on the Borg.
- Riker: Why am I not surprised? <taps communicator> Geordi, is
- that deflector thingy working?
- Geordi (over communicator): What deflector thingy?
- Riker: The deflector thingy that you were supposed to have
- thought up in part 1!
- Geordi: Hey, it was my idea to go to 7-11, gimme a break. All
- right, I'll work on a deflector thingy. What should I call it?
- Riker: How about the Geordi Deflector Thingy?
- Geordi: Okay, the GDT. I'll get to work on it right away.
- Baldus: Hurry up! It should be done by now!
- Geordi: Okay, it's done.
- Riker: That quick?
- Geordi: I know the writer.
- Riker: Fire the deflector thingy!
- Geordi: Nonono, it's not something you fire! It adds a hold
- button to all the phones!
- Riker: AAAAAARGH! Make a deflector thingy that you can fire!
- Geordi: All right, all right. <crashing sounds> There.
- Riker: Fire!
- <Shot of the Enterprise. Through the miracle of great special
- effects, the GDT MK II fires upon the Borg ship, which blows up.>
- Riker: Oops.
- Worf: Whaddaya mean, oops? We blew up the Borg ship!
- Riker: Yeah, but we're not even to 100 lines yet.
- <<COMMERCIAL BREAK>>
- <The conference room.>
- Riker: And so we now have nothing to go on for the rest of the
- parody. The Borg are gone.
- Troi: And so is Picard.
- Riker: Who's gonna keep Leonard in line, that's what I'd like
- to know.
- <Suddenly Q appears in a clown suit>
- Q: Bleah! <throws a pie at Riker and disappears>
- Riker: See what I mean? Take away Picard for one minute and
- everything falls apart!
- Data: We should go to Wolf 359 to tell the armada that we blew
- up the Borg ship.
- Worf: (waking up) Huh? Did someone say my name?
- Data: I said Wolf, not Worf.
- Worf: Oh. I knew that. <goes back to sleep>
- <The holodeck. Everyone is gathered around an empty coffin,
- sipping punch and eating cookies.>
- Worf: Not much of a funeral without the body, is it? <sip>
- Riker: Nope. Nothing like a body to spice up a funeral.
- Crusher: Hmm, these cookies are good.
- <Suddenly Data walks out in front of the coffin in a priest's
- outfit.>
- Data: Dearly beloved, we are gathered here today to mourn the
- passing of our captain. Actually, it is just an excuse to drink
- punch and eat cookies, since we all know that Leonard will have
- him back with us by the end of the parody. With that in mind, I
- would like to say a few things. First, he left no will.
- <General chaos.>
- Data: Second, I have already claimed his Slurpee. You can not
- have it.
- <A riot breaks out. Someone starts throwing cookies.>
- Ensign Notinvited: (over communicator) Sir, we have reached
- Wolf 359.
- Worf: Hey! I heard that!
- Riker: My hair's starting to fall out under all this stress!
- <The bridge>
- Riker: Hail the armada, Mr. Worf.
- Worf: What's an armada?
- Riker: Look it up!
- <Long pause>
- Riker: What's taking so long?
- Worf: How do you spell it?
- Riker: The ships! Hail the ships!
- Worf: Well, why didn't you say so?
- <Adm. Hanson appears on the screen.>
- Riker: We destroyed the Borg ship.
- Adm. Hanson: Where's Picard?
- Riker: We... er... destroyed him too.
- Adm. Hanson: I don't believe you!
- Riker: We did! We have pictures!
- Adm. Hanson: I don't think you're really Riker! I think you're
- a Borg spy!
- Riker: I am not! A Borg spy would have more hair!
- Adm. Hanson: Okay, if you're the real Commander Riker, what's
- my mother's maiden name?
- Riker: Um...Jacaranda.
- Adm. Hanson: Wrong! Trick question! I don't have a mother!
- Riker: You expect me to believe that?
- Adm. Hanson: Who cares, it's just a tactic to get the armada to
- attack you!
- Worf: What's an armada?
- <Suddenly the ship gets hit by it. Everyone goes flying. As Data
- flies through the air he considers buying nose tweezers, for no
- reason that he can readily determine.>
- Data: How odd. I just considered buying nose tweezers for no
- reason that I can readily determine.
- Riker: This means something!
- Troi: It's a clue!
- Geordi: Picard's still alive!
- Data: Actually, I think it's just a plug for Tim's Tweezers.
- They sponsored us you know.
- Tim: (suddenly appearing) Yes! For all your tweezer needs, it's
- Tim's Tweezers to the rescue! We've got big tweezers, little
- tweezers, medium tweezers! Nose tweezers! Toenail tweezers!
- Eyelash tweezers! Ear tweezers! If you need to be tweezed, we've
- got the tweezers!
- <As he speaks he produces an enormous briefcase and dumps all
- manner of tweezers on the floor. Tasha appears and phasers him.
- Tasha disappears.>
- Riker: Darn! We almost had it!
- <Suddenly everybody goes flying again.>
- Data: Shields at 16% and failing!
- Riker: We've got to convince them that we're not the Borg in
- disguise!
- Geordi: Shouldn't be that hard.
- Data: I know! We will trot out Wesley!
- Troi: Yeah! Not even the Borg would want Wesley!
- Geordi: But then he'd have saved the ship again!
- Riker: And we'd have to put it in the Wesley Saves the Ship
- archives! #51!
- Data: I have a plan. Hail the armada, Mr. Worf.
- Worf: I would if you'd tell me what it was! Is it some kind of
- big insect or something?
- Riker: It's the ships out there that are attacking us!
- Worf: Oh, OK. <pushes some buttons. Adm. Hanson appears on the
- screen.>
- Adm. Hanson: And how are my favorite Borg spies?
- Riker: We're not Borg spies!
- Adm. Hanson: Honest?
- Riker: Cross our hearts!
- Adm. Hanson: Oh, all right, sorry. <the rumbling ceases.>
- Data: My plan was better!
- Riker: What was it?
- Data: I was going to get a machine gun and blow people's heads
- off with nubile, half-naked women hanging onto my arms and
- panting.
- Riker: That only works for Patrick Swayze! You should be
- grateful my plan worked as well as it did!
- Worf: But we still don't have the captain!
- Riker: Maybe we should go back to where the Borg ship was and
- look for clues.
- <Space. The final frontier. The Enterprise zooms into the shot
- and suddenly stops for no reason. Well, the Borg ship blocking
- their way might have something to do with it.>
- <The bridge.>
- Riker: Hey! We blew them up with the GDT!
- Geordi: Yeah, but the captain knew about the plan! They must
- have taken the knowledge out of his brain and used it for their
- own evil purposes!
- Riker: How could Picard know about it? You didn't make it up
- until after he'd been kidnapped!
- Borg Ship: Oops. <blows up again>
- Riker: And stay that way! And now, to find Picard!
- Worf: But sir, he just blew up! Again! <grunt>
- Riker: I knew that! Um... he must have survived the explosion
- somehow!
- <Cut to the inside of the turbolift. Baldus is hanging onto the
- ceiling in his Borg suit.>
- Baldus: Hi, guys. I'm gonna play a little joke on the bridge
- crew.
- <At that moment Troi walks into the turbolift. Baldus drops down
- beside her.>
- Baldus: You will be assimilated.
- Troi: EEEEEEEK! I'm so frightened! <gives Baldus a miniature
- Snickers bar>
- Baldus: What was that for?
- Troi: Trick or treat, stupid.
- Baldus: But I'm Baldus of Borg!
- Troi: How cute!
- Baldus: Grrrr...
- <A hallway. Lots of kids are trick-or-treating. Baldus walks down
- the hall, knocking on each door and demanding candy.
- Science Officer: Aren't you a little old to be trick-or-
- treating?
- Baldus: Resistance is futile.
- <Suddenly Riker runs down the hallway with a security team!>
- Riker: All right you, get to sickbay!
- Baldus: What for?
- Riker: Because anyone who dresses up like a Borg for Halloween
- and goes down the hallways of the Enterprise tricking-and-
- treating has to have SOMETHING wrong with him!
- Baldus: I am Baldus of Borg.
- Riker: Oh, I thought you looked familiar! <taps communicator> I
- found him!
- <Sickbay. Baldus is lying on the biobed.>
- Crusher: (running scans on him) There's good news and bad news.
- Baldus: What's the bad news?
- Crusher: You're overage, overweight, overbald, and
- overautomated.
- Baldus: What's the good news?
- Crusher: I get paid by the hour!
- Baldus: Look, why not just pull off all the wires and I'll be
- boring old Picard again?!?!
- Crusher: Because we have to drag this thing out!
- Baldus: WHY?!? It's already over 200!
- Crusher: Good point. But we need a snappy solution.
- Troi: I sense that he's fighting the instinct to be a Borg and
- run around and kill people and only have 2 lines!
- Crusher: Hey, where'd you come from?
- <Tasha appears, holding her phaser.>
- Troi: Um... I came in through the doors... when you weren't
- looking!
- <Tasha disappears.>
- Crusher: Well, if he's fighting the instinct to... to do what
- you said, why hasn't he broken free by now?
- Troi: Because he's helpless to do anything about it!
- Baldus: Actually, it's because Borgs get free Mercedes.
- Starship captains only get Chrysler minivans!
- Crusher: <taps communicator> Riker! We've found the problem! We
- can use the Borg's collective intelligence against them!
- Riker: (over communicator) How?
- Crusher: By wrecking Baldus' Mercedes!
- <A Borg ship. Riker and Data beam over.>
- Riker: Where's the parking lot?
- Data: This whole ship looks like a parking lot.
- <Suddenly they see a sign: "Parking lot: Maximum occupation 20000
- vehicles.">
- Riker: Waitaminute! How can we be on board the Borg ship if it
- blew up? Twice!
- Data: We went back in time.
- Riker: Oh yeah, we did didn't we. We'd like to apologize to the
- viewer at home if this causes any confusion. See, we travelled
- back in time to wreck Baldus' Mercedes so that he would want to
- be a starship captain again.
- Data: I believe I have found Baldus' car.
- Riker: How can you tell?
- Data: The license plate says "BALDUS".
- Riker: Good! Now let's wreck it!
- <They take out sledgehammers and smash the car to smithereens>
- Data: That should do it.
- Riker: Back to the Enterprise!
- <Sickbay.>
- Picard: Argh! I thought that becoming a Borg would help me grow
- hair! But it didn't!
- Riker: That reminds me! <runs off screaming>
- Troi: Wait a minute!
- All: What?
- Troi: We never found out why the parody was called "The Best of
- Both Curls!"
- Crusher: I think it's a Picard joke.
- Picard: I think it's an O'Brien joke.
- Data: I think it's a lousy joke.
- Picard: So do we, Mr. Data.
- <Suddenly lots of photographers come into sickbay and begin
- taking pictures.>
- Picard: What's this?!?!
- Photographer: We're taking the cast picture for the 4th season!
- All: Hey! Riker! Get your butt over here!
- Riker: (from offstage) No! I'm not going on camera again until
- I get my hair back!
- Geordi: I think he needs help.
- Troi: I think he needs hair plugs.
- Picard: I think he needs a meaningful character.
- Data: Maybe he could get another character and have his own
- spinoff series.
- Geordi: Yeah! The wacky adventures of a replicator that can
- detect traitors on board, and synthesizes them SPAM no matter
- what they order!
- All: Nah.
- Picard: Okay everybody, we'll discuss new roles in the next
- staff meeting. That's a wrap! Out! Out!
- <Everybody leaves. The camera rolls on the empty set until there
- is a crash and the camera falls over and breaks.>
-
- THE END!!!!
-
- ====================
- STAR TREK COMICOLOGY
- ====================
- By Swannox of Borg
-
- Deep Space Nine Issue #5: Emancipation Part II
- -----------------------------------------------
- Writer: Mike W. Barr; Editor: Tom Manson and Mark Paniccia;
- Penciler: Gordon Purcell; Inker: Terry Pallot; Letterer: Dave
- Lanphear; Published by Malibu Comics.
- PLOT: Part II of Emancipation starts off as Dax and O'Brien
- race to board a runabout and stop two of the Chiaran slaves in
- their attempt to destroy the Wormhole. The two young slaves
- believe that this will free their people from the slave masters.
- O'Brien and Dax intercept the stolen runabout in the wormhole and
- prevent it's destruction.
- The slave masters try to negotiate for the slaves return. An
- incident in Quarks bar almost kills the Captain of the slave
- masters and his slave is killed. She happens to be the mother of
- the two young slaves who stole the runabout. Captain Rogon
- decides to allow the slaves to stay.
- As preparations are being made to send the slaves to a planet
- that they claim is there original homeworld, some of the members
- of Captain Rogon's ship decide to mutiny and take the slaves. A
- battle between DS9 and the Slave Master's Ship takes place.
- In an original tactic, the Slave Master's amplify DS9's
- shields and the stations weapons reflect back to the station.
- O'Brien decides to fire the phaser's full power then drop the
- phaser's and shields at the same time. The Slave Master's weapon
- feeds back on itself.
- Captain Rogon takes the renegade crew members in custody and
- let's the slaves go. The End.
- QUOTE OF THE ISSUE: Quote of the Issue: "Quark to Security...
- EMERGENCY! My last Bottle of Saurian Brandy...!"
- IMPRESSIONS: 24 pages and it's over two quick. 24 pages is the
- norm, however other titles are able to tell a story with more
- depth than Deep Space Nine. To express what I am saying in a
- more physical sense, if you go to pick up a copy of Deep Space
- Nine (and I do encourage it, it's a very good book despite my
- comments) also pick up a copy of X-Men. Scott Lobdell tells a
- good story with depth and you will understand what I mean when I
- say 24 pages and it's over two quick.
- NEXT ISSUE: Three Short Stories by different authors. The
- promo tells us to "Look for enlightening character development,
- some possible resolutions and that good ole Trek Humor." Will
- They?
- COMICOLOGY SOLICITATION: Deep Space Nine is being reviewed in
- the Comicology only by the fact that I read Deep Space Nine. If
- anyone is interested in reviewing the DC Comics Star Trek and
- Star Trek: The Next Generation, let Oxnardus know. I'm not
- an avid reader of those titles, however if you are, share it with
- us.
-
- ========================================================
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- ========================================================
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- BBS distribution centers:
- Phone Name City ST SysOp
- -----------------------------------------------------------------
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-
-
- ==============
- EDITOR NOTICES
- ==============
- The Borg Club is located EVERYWHERE. If you wish to be
- assimilated just ask a local Borg to do so, or do it yourself.
- There is no shame in being a self-made borg. We are sure they are
- many who would be more than happy to assimilate you quickly and
- painlessly, not to mention take your culture and technology from
- you as well.
-
- =================
- COPYRIGHT NOTICES
- =================
- "RIF" acknowledges that Paramount Pictures and its various
- subsidiaries as having the sole rights to the Star Trek
- trademark. "RIF" has no intention to infringe upon that copyright
- or earn profit from this publication. It is distributed free of
- charge. This newsletter may be distributed by anyone if kept
- intact and not altered in any way. Consider it shareware
- publishing! Resistance is Futile, copyright (c) 1994 by RIF BBS.
-
- =================================
- SOLICITATIONS FOR NEXT NEWSLETTER
- =================================
- The next Resistance is Futile will be released on or about March
- 1, 1994 to regular e-mail subscribers and February 21, 1994 to
- BBS subscribers. Send submissions to Oxnardus, Ripley, or Swannox
- at the addresses notated below for consideration for a future
- issue. "RIF" is a non-profit fan publication. All submissions for
- publication should be sent to the editors. The editors retain
- editorial control and reprint privileges over the submitted
- materials and reserve the right to use the material in whatever
- way they deem appropriate. Submitted materials will not be
- returned to the sender.
-
- ============================
- BACK ISSUES OF RIF AVAILABLE
- ============================
- Missing an issue? Just e-mail Oxnardus which issue you want. we
- shall endeavor to send it out to you as soon as time permits.
- This ia a volunteer outfit so it may take one day, it may take
- thirty days...but rest assured, you shall receive it! The
- requested issue will be sent to you via InterNet or Genie e-mail.
- If you do not have access to InterNet or any InterNet gateways,
- just send $1.00 per issue (for handling and postage) to RIF BBS,
- P.O. Box 7822, Oxnard, CA 93031. Please indicate which issue you
- desire. All back issues are available!
-
- =========================
- ADDRESSES OF CONTRIBUTORS
- =========================
- EDITORS:
- -------
- OXNARDUS: Editor-in-Chief. Genie:K.Taborn; Prodigy:HCMH17A;
- InterNet: k.taborn@genie.geis.com OR oxnardus@therealm; FidoNet:
- Oxnardus @ 1:206/2513; VirtualNet: 197 @ 1805020; WWIVNet:
- Oxnardus 115 @ 8500; AnarchyNet: Oxnardus @ 42:1005/1201; RipCity
- BBS, NightOwl BBS, DA WARREN: Oxnardus; RIME: Kym Taborn; US
- Mail: RIF BBS, P.O. Box 7822, Oxnard, CA 93031
- RIPLEY: Editor, Big Cahuna West Coast. Genie:M.Samuels1;
- Prodigy:NRCR88A; InterNet: m.samuels1@genie.geis.com; RipCity
- BBS: Ripley.
- SWANNOX: Editor, Big Cahuna East Coast. Bitnet: Swann1@MUVMS6;
- Internet: swann1@muvms6.wvnet.edu; Prodigy: JPRN49A
-
- CONTRIBUTORS:
- ------------
- LEONARD RICHARDSON: SySop: Da Warren BBS (805) 854-2478
- Olymonk: juliaellen@aol.com
-
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- Path: newserv.ksu.ksu.edu!moe.ksu.ksu.edu!vixen.cso.uiuc.edu!howland.reston.ans.net!darwin.sura.net!wvnvms!marshall.wvnet.edu!swann1
- Newsgroups: rec.arts.startrek.current
- Subject: BORG NEWSLETTER #18
- Message-ID: <1994Apr21.235455.5746@muvms6>
- From: swann1@muvms6.wvnet.edu
- Date: 21 Apr 94 23:54:55 EDT
- Organization: Marshall University
- Lines: 674
-
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-
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- * | S |******| | ****| |*** *| F |********
- * | I | *| | *| | *| U |____
- * | S ~~~~~~~ / *| I | *| T \
- * | T ____ \ *| S | *| I ____/
- * | A |*** \ \ *| | *| L |***
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- ***** **** ************** *****
- P.O. Box 7822
- Oxnard, CA 93031
- THE OFFICIAL ORGAN OF THE GALACTIC BORG CONSCIOUSNESS
- ISSUE NUMBER 18
- March 1994
-
- RESISTANCE IS FUTILE ("RIF") is published and edited by Oxnardus,
- Ripley, and Swannox for distribution on international, national
- and local electronic services, bulletin board conferences, and
- databases. Resistance is Futile is the official newsletter of the
- International Borg Club. Address listings, copyright notices,
- editorial notices, and information on back issues are printed at
- the end of this newsletter. All correspondence should be sent by
- e-mail to Oxnardus, Ripley, or Swannox (addresses given at end of
- newsletter) or mailed to "Resistance is Futile", P.O. Box 7822,
- Oxnard, CA 93031.
-
- =========
- CONTENTS
- =========
- YOU WILL BE ASSIMILATED: Amazing stories & 10 Top Cable Systems
- JOKE TIME: Borg jokes
- EVERYBODY WANTS TO RULE MY WORLD: Song Parody
- JOKE TIME
- ANOTHER BORG BLUES CLUB GRAND OPENING
- BORG NOSTALGIA: Reliving the Aftermath of the BSC Disaster
- BORG TAGLINES SEEN IN CYBERSPACE Part 1: A through H
- STAR TREK COMICOLOGY: DS9 #6: "Field Trip", "Pickpocket",
- "Program 359"
- NEXT MONTH IN RIF
- FROM THE EDITOR
- SUBSCRIPTION SERVICE & LISTING OF RIF DISTRIBUTION SITES
- Copyright Notices
- Solicitations for next newsletter
- Back issues of RIF available
- Addresses of contributors
-
- =======================
- YOU WILL BE ASSIMILATED
- =======================
- by Swannox of Borg
-
- Amazing Stories
- ---------------
- Even in West Virginia, we have a Hockey Team in the East Coast
- Hockey League. Our first season as a matter of fact. The
- Huntington Blizzard just fired there coach, Bob "Battleship"
- Kelly. The New Coach is named PAUL PICARD. So now, the
- Huntington Blizzard was a dismal 6-18-4, This guy won his debut
- game at Home tonight, And the media loves him. The Captain
- Picard jokes have begun, THE play by play guy and color guy want
- to call the coaches show Star Date. Jokes include, The Player
- was going up the Ice at Warp factor 2. or slow big guys ARE GOING
- AT IMPULSE POWER!. I call Slapshots Photon Torpedo and when we
- won tonight, THE STARTREK THEME BLASTED THRU THE HUNTINGTON CIVIC
- CENTER. You now can hear sound bits during the game like ENGAGE,
- MAKE IT SO. This complements the Terminator "I'll be back" after
- a Huntington Player hits the penalty box. I hear all this in the
- cue speaker since I run the game, however the moral of the story.
- WE ARE NOT THE ONLY FOLKS LOONY ABOUT TREK! BTW, we were 6-18-4
- before Picard. we are 7-19-4 now.
-
- Top 10 Cable Systems of the Federation
- --------------------------------------
- ...from the home office at the Utopia Plantia Starfleet Yards
-
- 10. RikerComm; Order this month and get the Playboy channel
- installed free.
- 9. Ferengi Cable; Featuring QVC, The Home Shopping Network,
- and Pay-Per-View Specials galore.
- 8. BorgComm; Your TV will be assimilated into the collective.
- 7. Vulcan Cable; Order now and get connected to the Discovery
- channel and C-Span.
- 6. YarComm; Featuring Nick-At-Night... re-runs of all your
- old favorites.
- 5. Klingon Cable; Because stealing cable is... dishonorable.
- 4. RomuComm; We feature cloaked channels.
- 3. Pakled Cable; You watch things. Things we show.
- 2. PicardComm; TV without the glare.
-
- - and the number one cable system -
- - of the federation is -
-
- 1. Geordi Cable; Now featuring the Infrared Channel!
-
- ================================
- EVERYBODY WANTS TO RULE MY WORLD
- ================================
- (to the tune of "Everybody Wants to Rule the World", by Tears for
- Fears)
-
- Welcome to my life.
- Welcome to my world.
- Even while we sleep,
- There are aliens
- Planning out a massive conquest
- Here they come now, who would have guessed?
- Everybody wants to rule my world.
-
- Attacked by Romulans.
- They invaded in storms.
- Help me to decide
- Should I choose to give my freedom
- Or show resistance?
- From disruptors I'll keep distance.
- Everybody wants to rule my world.
-
- There's no place where the Q can't find you
- Paralyzed while the towns come tumbling down.
- After they're gone there are more on the way.
-
- Occupation, I can't take it.
- The Borg came and assimilated.
- Everybody wants to rule my world.
-
- Cardassians with torture machines.
- Klingons with a lack of hygiene.
- Everybody wants to rule my...
- Hey! We'll nevernevernevernever beat them.
- "Resistance is futile," we gotta believe it.
- Everybody wants to rule my world.
-
- It's happening but I can't say how,
- More warbirds are on their way now.
- Everybody wants to rule my world.
- -- Juvenus of Borg
-
- =========
- JOKE TIME
- =========
- Q: How do you tell a borg from a communist?
- A: The borg don't need money, communists don't have money.
-
- Q: How do you tell a borg from an ant?
- A: The ant has a personality.
-
- Q: Why do the borg spend so much time assimilating others?
- A: They don't eat, they don't sleep, and even they are not
- kinky enough to have sex while 3 trillion others are looking over
- their shoulders.
-
- Q: Why do all borg look human?
- A: They do not make the helmets in Klingon sizes.
-
- Q: Why did the borg win so much in Las Vegas?
- A: They had an understanding with the slot machines.
- -- John Krueger
-
- =====================================
- ANOTHER BORG BLUES CLUB GRAND OPENING
- =====================================
- Yet another Borg Blues Club has opened. Now serving on
- Prodigy, Science Fiction Bulletin Board (Jump "SF BB"), the
- Fandamonium Topic. Come on by and have a drink or two. Ran by our
- very own Swannox of Borg.
- In order to serve its customers better, the following rules
- have been set up at the BORG BLUES CLUB:
- 1. No Alcohol served to Minors.
- 2. No synthohol served.
- 3. No fighting.
- 4. All powers must be made known to the security chief.
- 5. Q are not minors.
- 6. Management reserves the right to refuse service to anyone.
- 7. Decisions by Swannox and T'Caer are final.
- 8. No Ferengi served (either as hors d'oeuvres or as
- customers).
- 9. Nobody can change the channel on the Big Screen TV when the
- Boss is watching Marshall University Sporting Events.
- Address all complaints to the Security team. All other
- questions will be answered by Swannox (Prodigy: JPRN49A), Owner
- and Manager of the Borg Blues Club.
-
- ==============
- BORG NOSTALGIA
- ==============
- Reliving the Aftermath of the Borg Supreme Court Disaster
- ---------------------------------------------------------
- [In September 1992 on Prodigy, the Borg Supreme Court was
- mysteriously blown-up. What follows are some of the reactions to
- this disaster...]
-
- Smorgus sat in the law library adjacent to the BSC. "Can't
- find any stupid Dove bars...mutter, mutter...Bean Countus will
- not drop our name from his suit......where in blue blazes will I
- find an attorney?.....BLUE BLAZES?!" Looking out the window, she
- sees smoke billowing from the chambers of Chief Justice Marianus.
- "Holy smoke!" At once, the door to the judge's chambers BURSTS
- open. Rialtus, hunkered over, slowly emerges from the dense
- smoke, pulling the chief justice by "certain implants". "Just
- when life is getting to be kind of a bore, opportunity knocks!"
- he giggles. From the corner of her optic implants, Smorgus sees
- a shadowy figure hurriedly dart around a corner. Could it have
- been? Was it that sneaky little worm...um....borg that has been
- trying to get himself appointed court reporter and is trying to
- drive the chief justice nuts with his repeated attempts? Noting
- that Rialtus is frantically trying to give mouth to mouth to
- Marianus, who is shouting "Leave me alone, you doofus, I AM OK.",
- Smorgus pursues the unknown borg.
- --Smorgus
-
- Again, Marianus asked "Did I require CPR or were you three
- trying something unseemly with my units?" Rialtus, Locutus II
- and Swannox all bowed their heads and shuffled around nervously.
- Rialtus suddenly beamed, as a thought has come to him. "Dear
- Honorable and Most Esteemed Chief Justice, we were of course
- getting ready to perform CPR! But by Borg, you have recovered on
- your own!" Swannox, still fumbling with the water hose, gurgled,
- "Ub-glub course-glub, we-cough-cough were just (gag) trying to
- help!" Marianus hoisted herself into a sitting position. "Will
- some borg please take that away from him before HE needs CPR?"
- "Thank you."
- Meanwhile.........Smorgus rounded the corner of the BSC, still
- pursuing the suspicious Borg. "Who is that?" she thought. "I wish
- I could just get a little closer. Hmmmmm, what are these?"
- Looking down, Smorgus notices that she has been walking on what
- appears to be THOUSANDS of rectangular packages. Some have broken
- open and appear to be emitting latex dust. "Now, I've seen these
- before! Where was it?....
- ....OF COURSE...these are the same "packages" seized from
- Beancountus' cube during the ill-advised raid!" Has someone
- broken into the BSC and stolen evidence? Is that same Borg
- responsible for the fire? Smorgus looked up again to see not one,
- but TWO Borg escaping through the haze.
- Meanwhile...back at the scene of the fire, Marianus was
- desperately trying to bring order to the scene. Locutus II is
- standing in the street and gazing at his reflection in the one
- remaining window. "Gee, you look good in gold, fella." He
- murmured. Swannox, finally able to speak without drowning could
- be heard to say "Mother of Borg, how are we going to repair the
- Supreme Court Building? The fund is down to peanuts and this is
- an election year! I said 'no new taxes'....oh, mercy.." and on
- the curb Rialtus sat in despair thinking "If'n she'd only stayed
- out of it for 5 more minutes!!! Who knew she was so...so....
- resilient?"
- Marianus sighed.
- -- Smorgus
-
- As Rialtus sits in his stupor, vainly trying to think of a way
- to "rekindle" the moment, Swannox finally finds a blanket.
- Rushing to drape it tenderly around the shivering Marianus, he
- trips and both he and the blanket drape themselves upon her
- person. "ALRIGHT.......I HAVE BEEN HELPED ENOUGH!!!!! GO FIND
- SOMEONE ELSE TO HELP!" Sheepishly trying to remove himself from
- her implants, Swannox finds that their implants have become
- entangled. "Oh dear, I'm dead meat now." Rialtus, experiencing an
- unusual hot feeling under the collar, obliged by ripping Swannox
- away from his new object of affection, thereby finishing the task
- of destroying her blouse. "What luck!" her murmured, however,
- aloud he declared "Heaven's to Betsy, what have I done?"
- Marianus, wondering if it would become a chief justice to
- grease these nimrods, hobbled away. In their well deserved fear,
- Swannox and Rialtus beat a hasty retreat. Just as they thought
- they were, perhaps, out of harms way....a golden blur burst
- through the smoky night! "I say! What the h***? Get off........
- crunch....splat.....me......crack.....NOW!"
- The deafening sound of crunching metal filled the street.
- Drawing back from the fray, Swannox began laughing hysterically.
- "It's Loc....Loc....Locutus II! Cool it, would you....it's us!
- Look.....I said quit it OR WE SHALL COW TIP YOU!" Locutus II
- recoiled in horror, both at his mistake and that other
- "unmentionable" torture. In the moment of silence that followed,
- they could hear the distinct melody of Marianus, down the avenue,
- laughing and laughing and laughing.
- -- Smorgus
-
- ******SUPREME COURT FIRE******
- POSSIBLE SUIT FOR FALSE
- ARREST
- The mystery mounts in the matter of the monstrous melt down of
- the Borg Supreme Court Building. The possible perpetrators popped
- by the powerful Locutus II turned out to be just two more seekers
- of executive office.
- As the sun rose over the reeking ashes of the once stately
- Court, Wiggalus of Borg, Ambassador, Instant Lawyer, and second
- in command to the Borg collective, revealed herself to be a
- General Contractor and vowed to restore the court to its former
- glory when others were snidely suggesting corrugated steel and
- linoleum.
- No new information has been uncovered about the probable
- identity of the arsonist; the evil Kym has been suggested as the
- possible arsonist, as indeed a suspect in every unsolved mystery
- including the sinking of the Maine and the disappearance of Judge
- Crater.
- Fire Marshall Olympius was not available for comment as she
- was called away because of difficulties with Vogons on her home
- planet.
- -- Olympius
-
- "Ohhhhhhhhhh" said Marianus, as she crumpled to the pavement.
- The Golden Blur, having finally come to the realization that
- further "crud beating" may not be the wisest course of action,
- knelt over the apparently lifeless body of the chief justice. As
- he began CPR (really), the charwoman Di(e)anus of Borg rushed to
- summon an ambulance. "I am not getting any response!" Locutus II
- said to himself. This is not good. This does not appear to be
- mere smoke inhalation or shock to me!" Rialtus, finally fitted
- with a cervical collar, looked on. "She's not....she can't....
- what's wrong?"
- Swannox appeared with his crew and quickly and efficiently
- loaded Marianus onto the gurney and into the waiting van. {There
- guys....are you happier now? Ed.} That done, the ambulance sped
- off into the night. The three heroic borg watched as their most
- admired and beautiful adjudicator vanished from sight. "That was
- different.", said Locutus II. "Yea...." said Swannox. "Let's go
- get a cola and some babes!" volunteered Rialtus, and they were
- off. Across the city, Smorgus maintained her vigil outside of
- Chatsworthus' "non-smoking" cube......which she had first thought
- was simply an abandoned building. She now had a clear view of
- the motionless Borg, Chatsworthus, on the floor. The mysterious
- and unseen borg-in-the-corner continued his soliloquy. "Eye all
- most feel bat lee four ewe.....butt ewe all wheeze whir two trust
- ink. Ewe awl fell sew heart four thee store he aye bout thee
- Queen Bea....it was heart too keep aye strayed face. Two bat aye
- bout thee Chief Just ice, wee whir imp pressed buy thee weigh she
- care reed her imp plants, butt she wood knot listen too are
- please."
- -- Smorgus
-
- As Smorg Us walked a weigh from TeaBorg and Being Countess, a
- video tape dropped from her brief case. She did knot note ice.
- TeaBorg and Being Countess played thee tape on TeaBorg's port a
- bull tellie vision. And their it was. Thee reel tape of thee
- theft of thee chalk a lot beans. Being Countess was shown
- diligent lee dewing hiss job, win sudden lee, hee was hit over
- thee head width a Borg imp plant. Thee chalk a lot beans were
- then scooped up bye thee unknow win Borg and it left width both
- thee chalk a lot beans and Bean Countess. Thee next seen showed
- Being Countess tied two a Cher and hooked up two a memory remove
- vole ma sheen. Thee unknow win Borg, inn a rasp pea fem inn inn
- voice, then recount Ed her evil plan to destroy thee Spelling
- Bees and too blame thee BORG. She removed Being Countess' memory
- and hymn meady ate lee a simulate Ted Being Countess. She then
- released hymn and sent hymn on hiss whey. And then....she terned
- a round. And there she was....width that evil smile.
- It was .........................................Smorg Us, aka
- Nan See Eye Kin, evil and inn fa mess secret age aunt fore thee
- Inn Tern Awl Rev A Gnu Sirve Ice. Her last state meant was, "And
- that's watt happens to races who dew knot pay there taxes and who
- ignore IRS notices."
- TeaBorg and Being Countess were inn shock. And then Being
- Countess' memory re-terned inn a rush. "Yea varily", hee
- exclaimed, "Eye remember it awl."
- At that moment, Smorg Us came a round thee core nor. "Sew, ewe
- half disc covered my lit tall plot. Well, ewe won't live long
- enough two tell inn knee won. Eye will get rid of ewe joust as
- efficient lee as eye burned down thee BSC." She slow lee raised
- her imp plants. TeaBorg and Being Countess were tear if fied.
- "Good buy old friend," they both said simultaneous lee.
- Butt Smorg Us had knot raised her imp plants two kill them.
- Inn stead, shee clutched her chest and fell over. They raced two
- her side and exam mined her. She was dead. "She was know fun, she
- fell rite over," said Being Countess. "And now their's won less
- evil IRS a gent inn this universe," said Teaborg quietly.
- TeaBorg and Being Countess were last scene board ding Anne air
- plain two Ha Why Ye. Being Countess' last words were, "At least
- where wee our going, we'll fine all lee get leied."
- -- TeaBorg
-
- "And you honestly believe the good Borg will believe that
- drivel? Ha!" exclaimed Smorgus indignantly, "You can keep me tied
- in this infernal chair for eternity....but some will keep the
- faith. The only believable portion of that story is the bit about
- Hawaii...."
- "That darn Beancountus and his latex," thought Smorgus,
- "making me sneeze before I could warn the collective....if there
- is anyone left in the collective to tell. T'Caer in the hospital
- and pregnant, to boot; Oxnardus still trying to get reunited with
- her head; Marianus hovering on the brink of life; Chatsworthus...
- laying here motionless on the floor; it is just too much to
- bear."
- Teaborg and Beancountus sneered at the little scribe. "The
- borg, dear unit, has known US for a much longer period of time.
- OUR story will be believed and YOU shall rot in the prison of the
- new Supreme Court that is being rebuilt at this moment." spit
- Bean. "Ewe should have capped two righting aye few notes inn
- thee 'Mew see hem off Art' ant capped aye weigh from thee Cord
- room. Ewe well pay fur yore air rogue ants. Fur aye fee mail ewe
- nut, ewe our both bawl sea ant tacked less." Teaborg whispered.
- "Half aye good thyme weight ink four us two Rhett turn...."
- Turning to the Bean he said, "Dew eye half too dew every think
- aye round hear? Eye can knot bee leave ewe left thee sock it set
- inn yore cube." Wheeling stiffly, he stalked out of the cube,
- with Beancountus trailing dust in his wake.
- Back at the jiffy cube, the sirens still wailed. A crowd
- hovered around the unit Marianus. Through the sea of concerned
- voices came "I have never seen anything like this. She should
- have died an hour ago......Will someone please silence those
- alarms?........We need a SPECIALIST!" "But who shall we find
- that is that experienced and gifted?" ]
- Who could save Marianus?
- --- Smorgus
-
- ****THE INSANE OXNARDUS GOES OVER THE EDGE****
- ***Takes A Walk on the Wild Side***
- Upon receiving news of Presidential Candidate Semenovich's
- choice of Vice Presidential Candidate (or as Semenovich insists,
- Vice Czar), the Insane Oxnardus actually tipped the scale further
- in her dementia. Researchers at Borg Hospital, the foremost
- center of research on Borg Multiple Personality Disorders (MPD)
- issued a press release where it was stated that further time was
- required to study the phenomena but that it was apparent that the
- Insane Oxnardus was beyond hope.
- The Borg Secret Police has issued an advisory warning the
- collective to lock up their children until the Insane Oxnardus
- has been captured.
- The Insane Oxnardus is believed to have become Insane over her
- on and off again relationship with Bob Mann, aka MYSTERY MANN,
- who was believed viciously murdered weeks ago.
- Similar to Elvis Presley, MYSTERY MANN sightings are being
- reported all over Borg Space.
- The Insane Oxnardus was last seen breaking into the Borg
- Hospital where she rudely insulted Rialtus, hit the semi-comatose
- Chief Justice Marianus in the face with a gooey pie, and then
- escaped.
- If any unit has any information about the whereabouts of the
- Insane Oxnardus, contact the Borg Secret Police for an entry into
- the Get a Pizza if Your Information is Good Contest. No purchase
- necessary. Members and family members of the Borg Secret Police
- are ineligible. Void where prohibited. All tips made within an
- hour are considered the same tip.
- -- Oxnardus
-
-
- ================================
- BORG TAGLINES SEEN IN CYBERSPACE
- ================================
- Part One: A through H
- ---------------------
- A Klingon, a Romulan, and a Borg we <Phasor Blast>
- A Poetic Borg: You will compose assimilated rhythms and rhymes.
- Alll a Borg!!!!!!
- And I thought the Borg were bad . . .
- And the only thing the Borg left was this Amiga....
- And the only thing the Borg left was this Macintosh.
- And the only thing the Borg left was NT.
- And verily he said unto them, thou shalt be assimilated
- Assimilated, you will be. Yoda of Borg
- Assimilation: The new industry standard Borg Gates
- Barney of Borg: I assimilate you; you assimilate me...
- Barney of Borg: Today we learned that resistance is futile.
- Borg. James Borg. Vodka martini dry...olives are irrelevant.
- Borg! Unh! Good God, y'all! What is it good for?
- Borg? Where? I don't se*(#$#..NO CARRIER
- Borg assimilated my race and all I got was this t-shirt.
- Borg Cola - Not the choice of the Next Generation.
- Borg destroyed by Federation Death Star DS9, film at 11:00
- Borg Do It Collectively.
- Borg do it their way. Your way is irrelevant
- Borg DOS 6.0 Assimilate drive C:? (Y)es, (O)k or (F)ine
- Borg Empire: Equal opportunity Assimilator!
- BORG IDIC: Incalculable Devastation for Infinite Cubes.
- Borg in New Jersey: "Florio is irrelevant."
- Borg Mail Reader v1.0 Your tagline will be assimilated.
- Borg Mail Reader v2.1a Tagline theft is futile.
- Borg Mail Reader v2.1a Taglines are irrelevant.
- Borg Moderator: Your Topic Is Irrelevant.
- Borg Nightmare: Assimilate another? NO WAIT, IT'S A PB!!
- Borg saying: We came. We absorbed. We left.
- Borg spreadsheet program: Locutus 1-2-3
- Borg Wave 3.14: Your taglines have been assimilated. <Urp>
- Borgasm: The Ecstasy of Assimilation.
- BorgDOS v6.0 - Assimilate Another [Y/n]
- Borger King - We do it our way! Your way is irrelevant!
- Borgs Bunny: "'What's up' is irrelevant, Doc.
- Borgy Pig - "th..th..th..that's irrelevant folks"
- Bring Arnold Schwartzenegger to play the Borg Terminator!
- Captain, why not just give the Borg Windows 3.1? - Worf
- Captain Barney's last words: Don't worry, the Borg are friendly.
- Cause I'm a Borg, yea, yea, yea.
- Chewbacca of Borg: RRWARARRHHG!!
- Creativity & Originality are irrelevant Barney of Borg
- Dances With Borgs - Starring Locutus
- Data is emotional because of a computer virus. The Borg
- Destroy the Borg? Give them Cavis Alpha IV!
- Destroy the Borg? Give them WINDOWS
- Destroy the Borg? Let's give them Windows.
- Distance is irrelevant - Pythagorus of Borg
- Drunk Borg: "Resilience is floor tile. Wan'be sim'lated?"
- Eat what you want. Your choice is irrelevant. SmorgasBorg
- Enterprise News: Borg Destroyed After Absorbing Windows.
- Ernest BORGnine... you be the judge...
- Even the Borg won't assimilate a Macintosh...
- Frankly my dear, you will be assimilated - Butler of Borg
- From this time forward, you will service...us. Locutus
- Fudd, of Borg: "Be vewy, vewy quiet. I'm Assimiwating."
- Futile, resistance is. Yoda of Borg
- Galactic Conquest Or Bust - The Borg
- GOTO, GOING TO, GONE TO ~ Borg subroutine
- Have it our way at Borger King! (I *am* this place!)
- Hi! My name is Borg. How may I assimilate you?
- How'm I flyin'? Dial 1-800-BORG-YOU. -Borg
- Huey Lewis of Borg: Its Hip To Be Square!
- Huey Lewis of Borgordi + transporter = Huey, Louie, & Dewey
-
- ====================
- STAR TREK COMICOLOGY
- ====================
- By Swannox of Borg
-
- Deep Space Nine, Issue #6 (Jan 94):
- "Field Trip", "Pickpocket", & "Program 359"
- ---------------------------------------------
- This issue features three short stories about different
- characters and their adventures.
-
- "Field Trip"
- Writer: Mike W. Barr; Editors: Tom Mason & Mark Paniccia;
- Artists: Rob Davis & Terry Pallot; Letterer: Patrick Owsley;
- Published by Malibu Comics.
- PLOT: Keiko takes her class on an outing in a runabout to a
- planet on the other side of the wormhole. Something happens to
- Sisko (something always happens) so Jake and Nog somehow pilot
- the runabout to the wormhole, where a trigger happy Chief O'Brien
- hits the tractor beam and nabs the ship. (Amazingly, he knew
- something was wrong).
-
- "Pickpocket"
- Writer: John Vornholt; Editors: Tom Mason & Mark Paniccia;
- Artists: Rob Davis & Terry Pallot; Letterer: Dave Lanphear;
- Published by Malibu Comics.
- PLOT: Quark and Bashir solve a rash of thefts while ODO is
- away. This one is worth my silence in not giving the plot away.
-
- "Program 359"
- Writer: Colin Clayton & Chris Dows; Editor: Mark Paniccia;
- Artists: Rob Davis & Terry Pallot; Letterer: Patrick Owsley;
- Published by Malibu Comics.
- PLOT: This is a holodeck flick with Sisko, THE ENTIRE
- STARFLEET and THE BORG AT WOLF 359. Sisko is in command of the
- fleet and he is trying every thing possible to defeat the borg.
- After Bashir and Dax walk in and think that Benny boy is a sick
- puppy, Sisko reveals that he can now let go, because he doesn't
- blame himself now. This was the best story of the three, and not
- because this little fanzine is a BORG FEST.
-
- =================
- NEXT MONTH IN RIF
- =================
- YOU WILL BE ASSIMILATED: What would happen if.../Water Trek
- BORG SING-A-LONG: Borg Ramming Song/Borg Laundromat Song
- PIE, BORG: Parody of "I, Borg"
- LIFE IN THE 24TH CENTURY IS NOT TOO DULL
- BORG NOSTALGIA: Reliving the Collective's overlooking the Big
- Cahuna Emeritus' birthday! (09/92)
- BORG TAGLINES SEEN IN CYBERSPACE Part 2: I
-
- ===============
- FROM THE EDITOR
- ===============
- I apologize for all the bugs in the InterNet mailings. Some
- have received their issues and others haven't. If you have not
- received any issues, please e-mail me and tell me which issues
- you need. Also, I am working out a new way to send out the RIFs
- so that these things will not happen again.
- This month's RIF was late (at least for the BBS distribution)
- because of a death in my family. I was in Michigan for two weeks.
- Now everything should be back to normal.
- Remember, the Borg Club is located EVERYWHERE. If you wish to
- be assimilated just ask a local Borg to do so, or do it yourself.
- There is no shame in being a self-made borg. We are sure they are
- many who would be more than happy to assimilate you quickly and
- painlessly, not to mention take your culture and technology from
- you as well.
- --Oxnardus
-
- ========================================================
- SUBSCRIPTION SERVICE & LISTING OF RIF DISTRIBUTION SITES
- ========================================================
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- BBS distribution centers (when you call, tell them you heard
- about their BBS from RIF!):
- Phone Name City ST SysOp
- -----------------------------------------------------------------
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-
- =================
- COPYRIGHT NOTICES
- =================
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- publishing! Resistance is Futile, copyright (c) 1994 by RIF BBS.
-
- =================================
- SOLICITATIONS FOR NEXT NEWSLETTER
- =================================
- The next Resistance is Futile will be released on or about April
- 1, 1994 to regular e-mail subscribers and on or about March 22,
- 1994 to BBS subscribers. Send submissions to Oxnardus, Ripley, or
- Swannox at the addresses notated below for consideration for a
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-
- ============================
- BACK ISSUES OF RIF AVAILABLE
- ============================
- Missing an issue? Just e-mail Oxnardus which issue you want. we
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- This is a volunteer outfit so it may take one day, it may take
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- If you do not have access to InterNet or any InterNet gateways,
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- desire. All back issues are available!
-
- =========================
- ADDRESSES OF CONTRIBUTORS
- =========================
- EDITORS:
- -------
- OXNARDUS: Editor-in-Chief. Genie:K.Taborn; Prodigy:HCMH17A;
- InterNet: k.taborn@genie.geis.com OR oxnardus@therealm; FidoNet:
- Oxnardus @ 1:206/2513; VirtualNet: 197 @ 1805020; WWIVNet:
- Oxnardus 115 @ 8500; AnarchyNet: Oxnardus @ 42:1005/1201; RipCity
- BBS, DA WARREN: Oxnardus; RIME: Kym Taborn; MAJOR BBS: Narda@fnz;
- US Mail: RIF BBS, P.O. Box 7822, Oxnard, CA 93031
- RIPLEY: Editor, Big Cahuna West Coast. Genie:M.Samuels1;
- Prodigy:NRCR88A; InterNet: m.samuels1@genie.geis.com; RipCity
- BBS: Ripley.
- SWANNOX: Editor, Big Cahuna East Coast. Bitnet: Swann1@MUVMS6;
- Internet: swann1@muvms6.wvnet.edu; Prodigy: JPRN49A
-
- CONTRIBUTORS:
- ------------
- Smorgus -- InterNet: neicken@nvn.com; NVN: Neicken
- Olympius -- Internet: juliaellen@aol.com; AoL: juliaellen
- TeaBorg -- Internet: phcr65a@prodigy.com; Prodigy: PHCR65A
- Juvenus of Borg -- Internet: ammorris@galaxy.csc.calpoly.edu
- John Krueger -- Internet: krueger@cs.hope.edu
-
-
-
-
-
-
-
-
-
- Path: newserv.ksu.ksu.edu!moe.ksu.ksu.edu!vixen.cso.uiuc.edu!howland.reston.ans.net!darwin.sura.net!wvnvms!marshall.wvnet.edu!swann1
- Newsgroups: rec.arts.startrek.current
- Subject: BORG NEWSLETTER #19
- Message-ID: <1994Apr21.235818.5747@muvms6>
- From: swann1@muvms6.wvnet.edu
- Date: 21 Apr 94 23:58:18 EDT
- Organization: Marshall University
- Lines: 740
-
-
-
- _____________ ____________ ____________
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- ***** **** ************** *****
- P.O. Box 7822
- Oxnard, CA 93031
-
- THE OFFICIAL ORGAN OF THE GALACTIC BORG CONSCIOUSNESS
- ISSUE NUMBER 19
- April 1994
-
- RESISTANCE IS FUTILE ("RIF") is published and edited by Oxnardus,
- Ripley, and Swannox for distribution on international, national
- and local electronic services, bulletin board conferences, and
- databases. Resistance is Futile is the official newsletter of the
- International Borg Club. Address listings, copyright notices,
- editorial notices, and information on back issues are printed at
- the end of this newsletter. All correspondence should be sent by
- e-mail to Oxnardus, Ripley, or Swannox (addresses given at end of
- newsletter) or mailed to "Resistance is Futile", P.O. Box 7822,
- Oxnard, CA 93031.
-
- =========
- CONTENTS
- =========
- YOU WILL BE ASSIMILATED: What would happen if...
- PIE, BORG: Parody of "I, Borg"
- LIFE IN THE 24TH CENTURY IS NOT TOO DULL
- BORG NOSTALGIA: Reliving the Collective's overlooking the Big
- Cahuna Emeritus' birthday! (09/92)
- BORG TAGLINES SEEN IN CYBERSPACE Part 2: I
- COMICOGRAPHY: Star Trek #53 & 54, "Timecrime" Parts 1 & 2 of 5
- NEXT MONTH IN RIF
- FROM THE EDITOR
- Editorial Notices
- Copyright Notices
- Solicitations for next newsletter
- Back issues of RIF available
- Addresses of contributors
-
- =======================
- YOU WILL BE ASSIMILATED
- =======================
- by Swannox of Borg
-
- What would happen if...
- The Bridge Crew of NCC-1701 D were assimilated
- ----------------------------------------------
- Picard: would become Locutus (easy)
- Riker: would become Will Like Her or Willeatus
- Geordi: would become Lavarus
- Deanna: would become Badhairus or Bikerchickus
- Dr. Crusher: would become "I'm not a doctor, but I play one on
- TVus.
- Data would become: Beavus
- Worf would become: Butthead (he he he he...hehehehehe. FIRE
- FIRE FIRE)
-
- IF WE EVER GET AROUND TO IT, WHAT WOULD HAPPEN IF DS9 WAS
- ASSIMILATED?
-
- =========
- PIE, BORG
- =========
- A parody of ST:TNG's "I, Borg" by Leonard Richardson
-
- Teaser:
- Picard: (voiceover) Captain's Log, stardate 45854.2. We are
- surveying the Galorndan system for possible colonization. Having
- said that, we will now totally abandon that mission in order to
- do something silly.
- <The bridge.>
- Worf: Captain, I am receiving a coded transmission. It seems
- to be...a distress signal.
- Picard: Why would anyone code a distress signal?
- Worf: They're narrowing down my lines. Now I only have 11
- different lines, and four of them are different ways of saying
- <grunt>.
- Riker: Well, hang in there Worf.
- Troi: We're all rooting for you.
- Geordi: We'll get you that new contract yet.
- Worf: <grunt>
- Riker: Hey, which number was that?
- Worf: #2.
- Data: What about the distress call?
- Riker: Oh yeah... Well, put it on screen.
- Worf: I can't.
- Riker: Why not?
- Worf: It is dishonorable, Alexander. Someday you'll
- understand.
- Picard: What?
- Geordi: Worf only has 11 lines! He can't say whatever he wants
- to like the rest of us!
- Picard: This is a crisis! Call sickbay!
- Riker: It's a CONTRACT, problem, sir.
- Picard: Oh yeah. Um... call his agent!
- Data: <interrupting> Sir, a small explosion has taken place on
- the moon of the third planet. I believe it was a ship crashing.
- Picard: You'll just have to make do, Mr. Worf. Let's go down
- to that planet so we can start the parody.
- Worf: My father was NOT a traitor!
- <A snowy moon. A small cube has crashed, and Borg bodies are
- scattered all over the place. The away team beams down.>
- Worf: Firing phasers, sir.
- Geordi: Agh! How are we gonna know what he's saying?
- Crusher: I know! Let's play charades!
- Worf: <falls over as if dead>
- Geordi: Dead?
- Worf: <gets up, nods vigorously. Points to the Borg bodies.>
- Geordi: Oh, I get it. They're all dead.
- Crusher: (checking tricorder) Not quite. Over here!
- <They run to the cube and push aside some sheet metal. There,
- under it, is a blueberry pie, but something is strange about it.
- The crust is pasty white, and the tin is covered with wires.
- Zoom in on it.>
- <<COMMERCIAL BREAK>>
- <The planet again.>
- Picard: (over communicator) You mean one of them survived the
- crash?
- Crusher: Yup. We have to take it back to the ship or it'll
- die!
- Picard: It's a Borg!
- Crusher: So what? If we don't take it on board, we'll have to
- end the parody right now!
- Picard: We've already gone over 100! Why not?
- Crusher: We'll speed it up. Let's go.
- <The hallway. Crusher is carrying the pie towards sickbay, Geordi
- is following her. Suddenly an attractive (well, for a Borg)
- female Borg runs over to Crusher and hugs the pie>
- Female Borg: Hi!
- Crusher: What are you doing?
- Female Borg: What, isn't this that heartwarming parody, "Hi,
- Borg?"
- Crusher: NO! Go away! You're taking up room in the parody!
- <Tasha appears and phasers the female Borg. She disappears.>
- <Sickbay.>
- Pie: (Says nothing)
- Crusher: Wait a minute, this won't work! The Borg has to
- realize that he's an individual or the parody won't work!
- Geordi: None of the other ones worked either!
- Crusher: That's beside the point.
- <Suddenly a shady man in a trenchcoat enters and runs over to the
- pie.>
- Shady Man in a Trenchcoat: Hey, buddy!
- Crusher: What are you doing here!?!?!
- Shady Man in a Trenchcoat: What, isn't this that heartwarming
- parody, "Spy, Borg?"
- Crusher and Geordi: NO! Go away!
- <Shady Man in a Trenchcoat gets phasered.>
- Crusher: Now where were we?
- Geordi: I forgot. I think we should do a commercial.
- <<COMMERCIAL BREAK>>
- <But this is no ordinary commercial break. This commercial break
- has both the MCI commercial with the ST cast and the Hallmark
- commercial with Dr. Crusher's assistant where it's obvious that
- she's trying to keep from cracking up. Just thought you should
- know.>
- <The conference room. Data is pointing at a Three Stooges rerun.>
- Data: No one would be able to survive all this silly stuff in
- reality. So if we insert it into the pie's brain, it will spread
- like a virus etc. etc.
- Picard: Good. Start immediately.
- Geordi: You know, captain, I've been happening second thoughts
- about this whole thing.
- Picard: What do you mean?
- Geordi: If we go through all that morality stuff, this
- parody'll be too long like the last one was and Leonard'll stop
- it!
- Picard: Your concern is noted. We'll skip all that.
- <Empty space. Suddenly Q appears, wearing a camera around his
- neck>
- Q: Hi, I'm Q, just making my cameo. Have you ever considered
- taking up photography as a hobby? For example--"
- <He aims the camera at the Enterprise, which is cruising by, but
- Tasha appears and phasers him. She disappears.>
- <The bridge. Worf is surrounded by paper with writing on it. A
- quick glance reveals that the writing says things like "Yes, sir"
- "<grunt>" "Gagh on rye, hold the O-positive" and "Call Da Warren
- BBS".>
- Picard: Prepare to beam the pie into my ready room.
- Worf: It is dishonorable, Alexander. Someday you'll
- understand.
- <The ready room. Picard walks in and the pie beams in.>
- Picard: Now, pie, I understand that you--"
- <He stops. The pie says nothing.>
- Picard: This is idiotic.
- <Suddenly a woman in black runs in, weeping.>
- Woman in Black: Oh, boo hoo hoo!"
- Picard: What's the matter?
- Woman in Black: What, isn't this that heartwarming parody,
- "Cry, Borg?"
- Picard: Agh!
- <Tasha appears and phasers Woman in Black. She disappears.>
- Picard: (to pie) I am Baldus of Borg*! You will answer to me!
- Pie: says nothing
- Picard: What?
- Pie: Nothing. Leonard just forgot to put the brackets there.
- Picard: Agh!
- <Suddenly a wise Chinese philosopher wanders in.>
- Wise Chinese Philosopher: Hm... I wonder why?
- Picard: Why what?
- Wise Chinese Philosopher: Why anything? Why are we here? Why
- is this parody so lame?
- Picard: Huh?
- Wise Chinese Philosopher: What, isn't this that heartwarming
- parody, "Why, Borg?"
- Picard: Out! Out!
- <He chases the Wise Chinese Philosopher out. Tasha appears, looks
- around in confusion, and then phasers the pie. She disappears.>
- Picard: Agh! Now we can't do any more of the parody! Oh well,
- it was pretty stupid anyway. I think I'll go to Ten-Forward and
- have a Pepsi.
- <Pull back to reveal that we have been watching this on a movie
- screen in an auditorium.>
- Convention Dude: And that was the sneak preview of that
- heartwarming parody that's coming soon. That was "Rye, Borg," I
- mean "Pry, Borg," I mean "Shy, Borg," I mean...
- <Tasha appears and phasers him. A whole 50 lines short of 300
- too.>
- --Lawrence Richardson
-
- ========================================
- LIFE IN THE 24TH CENTURY IS NOT TOO DULL
- ========================================
- A typical Dr. Who episode: Episode #13,013... the Cybermen
- show up and we have a three-way fight, with the Cybermen and Borg
- working together to assimilate the Daleks, but each plotting to
- assimilate the other when the Daleks were assimilated. It was
- entitled, "The 246 Doctors"--it was raining Tardises, yet
- somehow, every Doctor seemed to know which was his or her Tardis
- (every now and then after 1998, the Doctor regenerated as a
- female), but the Companions were running into each other trying
- to figure out which Tardis was which.
- The best moment of the episode, which was a record 11 hours
- and eight minutes, not including the commercials, was when we
- learned that The Master had accidentally used four of his
- regenerations at once, and became known as The Q. The Time Lords
- exiled him.
- They started making cartoons again, too. The "Road Runner"
- cartoons are still being made... Wile E. Coyote was last seen
- using "Acme Space Warp" to try and put the Road Runner into a
- causality loop so he could predict the warp- speed-powered bird's
- course and line himself up for a meal. Last scene is the Coyote
- endlessly falling off a cliff and getting flattened at the
- bottom.
- You think "colorized" movies were a big deal? Oh, how George
- Lucas was incensed when he turned on the TV in his "Old Movie
- Makers Retirement Home" room on his 104th birthday to see that
- they'd turned "Star Wars" into an interactive movie. On the
- other hand, Huston was ecstatic to learn that his old B&W movies,
- which Ted Turner colorized, were made interactive.
- When the Klingons heard about our "Murder Mystery" parlor
- games they adapted the idea, but with one difference: a real
- stiff and a real murderer. Seems it was quite novel, since
- Klingon villains typically have no trial.
- Square dancing is still around, but now there aren't merely 67
- moves in Mainstream... there are 109, several of which were
- added in the 22nd Century. When the caller does a patter call,
- many use a prompter that tells them after each move what to call
- next to unscramble the squares and get each dancer home with
- his/her partner. If the caller ignores the advice, the advice
- adapts to the new configuration and makes a new suggestion. The
- best callers still do it off the top of the head. When square
- dancing came to J'naii, however, the whole thing broke down until
- they decided to substitute "tallers" for "boys" and "shorters"
- for "girls."
- Trivial Pursuit is still played, with Edition #114. Sample
- question in "Geography": "What happened to Star System L-374."
- Answer: "All but two planets were eaten by a giant alien
- machine." In History, "Who was the greatest computer-
- reprogrammer in Federation history?" Answer, "Captain
- James T. Kirk", no doubt referring to Nomad, Landru and the
- Eminians.
- Kids play "Snakes and Ladders", but now its called "Borgs and
- Ladders". The game board is now 3D, and is designed like a Borg
- spacecraft. If you meet the Borg more than three times, they've
- "adapted" to you and you are assimilated, becoming an obstacle to
- the remaining players. Usually, no one ever finishes the game.
- Kids also play "Tribble Trap" where they put together pieces
- that eventually work together to trap their tribble under a cage.
- --Warp5
-
- ==============
- BORG NOSTALGIA
- ==============
- Reliving the Collective's overlooking the
- Big Cahuna Emeritus' birthday! (09/92)
- -----------------------------------------
- [This is a post seen on Prodigy in the Arts BB under the subject
- "Borg Burger King" on September 30, 1992].
-
- A bustling and extremely noisy BORG BURGER KING screeched to a
- halt as the resounding and martial Empire March (The Darth Vader
- Theme from "The Empire Strikes Back." You know, the one that goes
- DUMMM DUMMM DA DUMMM DA DA DUMMMM DA DA DUMMMM...) boomed
- outside. All the Borgs ducked for cover as a hurricane wind blew
- the swing doors of the BBK off its hinges.
- "ATTENTION! ATTENTION! THE GREAT AND POWERFUL SUPREME BORG
- EMERITUS IS COMING, AND HE'S PISSED OFF BECAUSE EVERYONE FORGOT
- HIS BIRTHDAY!!!!!" screeches a megaphone.
- Then, without warning, the dark prince of Borgdom himself,
- the unloved and feared Novellus, who's birthday was forgotten by
- EVERY MEMBER OF HIS FAMILY and all his Borg friends, INCLUDING
- OXNARDUS (with the exception of a really nifty greeting card from
- Semenovich), storms into the Borg Burger King. He looks really
- ticked off, like someone took his entire stock of Root Beer and
- ejected it into a black hole. But even that deed could not equal
- the sheer rage he was about to bestow upon the poor undeserving
- souls of the Borg Burger King.
- WHAMMMM!!!!!
- The gauntleted black fists of bionic doom pounded on the
- Formica (TM) counter of the Borg Burger King. A shivering cash
- register attendant cringes behind a point-of-sale terminal as
- Novellus's glowing red laser-eyes shine their warm targeting dots
- on his skull.
- "I want a QUADRUPLE whopper with bacon, cheese, and extra
- tomatoes and pickle with NO MAYONNAISE. I want an EXTRA-THICK
- strawberry shake, a large fries, and a Cahuna (128 Oz.) sized Dr.
- Pepper with NO ICE. Got that?"
- The cash-register attendant begins to sweat profusely. "Did
- you say a QUADRUPLE whopper with bacon AND cheese?"
- "Yes. IS THERE A PROBLEM WITH THAT?"
- "Ummmmmm.....No, its just that we never got a request for a
- Whopper (TM) large sandwich with over ONE POUND of meat on it.
- That's going to pose some very severe technical problems."
- "How tough can it be? You cook four patties in the microwave
- and slap some bacon and cheese on them and put it on a sesame
- seed bun with some pickles and tomatoes!"
- "Well, it's not the cooking process that's the problem. You
- see, due to bad planning, our point of sale system was never
- programmed for the inevitability that the Supreme Borg Emeritus
- would ever come to visit and order a QUADRUPLE whopper. Being
- that the system is directly hooked into the collective's main
- supercomputer resources, there's no telling what would happen if
- I tried to enter it...."
- Novellus turns red-faced with anger -- "Damn the supercomputer
- resources! I want a Quadruple Whopper with Bacon and Cheese and I
- want it now!"
- --Novellus
-
- ================================
- BORG TAGLINES SEEN IN CYBERSPACE
- ================================
- Part Two: I
- -----------
- I! am! Kirkus! of! Borg! Prepare! to! be! assimilated!
- I am Al of Borg. Aww, Peg, I don't wanna assimilate you.
- I am Barney of Borg. Prepare to be nauseated.
- I am Batman of Borg, you will be assimilated, foul fiend.
- I am Beavis of Borg. Assimilation is cool. Heh-heh-heh
- I am Beldar of Borg. We will assimilate mass quantities.
- I am Bjorn of Borg. Wimbledon is irrelevant.
- I am Blofeld of Borg. You will be assimilated, Mr. Bond.
- I am Bob Barker of Borg. You will come on down.
- I am Bones of Borg. Jim, I'm an assimilater, not a doctor
- I am Borg. James Borg.
- I am Borg , who are you?
- I am Borgs Bunny. What's assimilation, Doc?
- I am Bubba of Borg. Y'all fixin' to be assimilated.
- I am Bud of Borg. Can I assimilate you, please, just once
- I am Bugs Bunny of Borg. What's up, Collective?
- I am Bundy of Borg. No, I won't assimilate you, Peg!!!!!
- I am ButtHead of Borg. Resistance sucks, duh-huh-huh
- I am Cat of Borg. We will assimilate your shiny things.
- I am Chevy Chase of Borg, and you're not!
- I am Chevy Chase of Borg - and I hate your guts.
- I am Clinton of Borg. Your wages will be assimilated...
- I am Clinton of Borg. You will be assimila... BIG MACS!!
- I am Clinton of Borg: Resistance is taxable!
- I am Clinton of Borg, prepare your money for assimilation
- I am Clinton of Borg. You may or may not be assimilated.
- I am CopyCat of Borg. Your tagline will be assimilated!
- I am Curly of Borg. Resistance is futile, woo woo woo...
- I am Cyrano Jones of Borg. Want to buy a borg tribble?
- I am Cyrus of Borg. You will be achy breaky assimilated.
- I am Dangerfield of Borg. Respect is irrelevant
- I am Dax of Borg. My slug has been assimilated.
- I am Descartes of Borg: I assimilate, therefore I am.
- I am Dirty Harry of Borg. Go ahead...resist us...
- I am E.T. of Borg. Home is irrelevant.
- I am Ed McMahon of Borg. You may already be assimilated!
- I am Elders of Borg: A planned and wanted assimilation
- I am Elmer Fudd of Borg. Pwepawe to be Assimiwated.
- I am Flintstone of Borg. You will be yabbadabbasimilated
- I am Fudd of Borg. Pwepare to be assimiwated.
- I am Fudd of Borg. Wesistance is Yusewess. Huh-huh-hut!
- I am Gilligan of Borg. Escape from the island is futile.
- I am Ginzu of Borg. You shall be amputated. But Wait!
- I am Gomer of Borg! Golly we are gonna assimilate ya!
- I am Hamlet, Prince of Borg. Prepare to be...or not to be
- I am Hillary of Borg. Choice is irrelevant.
- I am Homer of Borg. Prepare to be assimi... Oooh! Donuts!
- I am Jordon of Borg. Gravity is irrelevant.
- I am Kelly of Borg. Can I (what's that word, daddy?)
- I am Kelly of Borg. Can I oh, you know what I mean.
- I am Khan of Borg. From hell's heart I assimilate thee..
- I am Kira of Borg. Wanna make something out of it??!!!!
- I am Kirk of Borg. You! Will! Be! Assimilated!
- I am Koresh of Borg. Prepare to be immolated.
- I am Koresh of Borg, we will be incinerated.
- I am Lancelot of Borg. Resistance is feudal.
- I am Locutus of Borg. This tagline was assimilated.
- I am Locutus . . . of Borg. Resistance is futile.
- I am Locutus of Borg. Do you have any Grey Poupon?
- I am Locutus of Borg, this tagline is irrelevant.
- I am Locutus of Borg. I demand Earl Grey tea - for 1000000.
- I am Macintosh of Borg. It takes a while to assimilate.
- I am Marvin of Borg. Guess what weapons we have. Go on, guess
- I am McCoy of Borg,...You will Damn well be assimilated
- I am McMahon of Borg. You shall be on Star Search.
- I am Moderator of Borg.Resistance is futile.You will obey
- I am Mr. T of Borg. I pity da fool that resists me.
- I am Opie of Borg. Can I assimilate 'em, Pa?
- I am Peg of Borg. Al, I need to be assimilated NOW!
- I am Perot of Borg. We should assimilate for the children
- I am Pike of Borg. Beep beep.
- I am Popeye of Borg. Prepare to be askimilgrated.
- I am Porky of Borg. You will be assim...bdeh...assim...
- I am Quayle of Borg. Speling is Irevelant
- I am Reagan of Borg. Prepare to be...uh, I don't recall
- I am Rush of Borg, Prepare to have meaning attached.
- I am Scott of Borg. Resistance dinna matter.
- I am Shakespeare of Borg. Prepare to be, or not to be.
- I am so old, I still think Borg is a tennis player
- I am Spock of Borg. Resistance is illogical.
- I am Sybil of Borg: I will assimilate myself.
- I am Tagline of Borg. Go ahead! Assimilate me!
- I am Terminator of Borg. Hasta Lassimilation, Baby!
- I am Tim Allen of Borg. Prepare to be Re-wired.
- I am Troi of Borg. Your Chocolate will be assimilated.
- I am Troi of Borg. How does assimilation make you feel?
- I am Trojan of Borg: Assimilation is safe sex.
- I am Uhura of Borg. Assimilation frequencies open, sir.
- I am Wayne of Borg. Resistance isn't futile. NOT!
- I am Wesley of Borg. Even THEY don't like me!
- I am Worf of Borg. Resistance is *without* honor.
- I am Yoda of Borg: Assimilated will you be ... hmm?
- I am Zaphod of Borg. You will be...Whoa! Babes!
- I am Zsa Zsa of Borg. Prepare to be assimilated dahling.
- I canna change the laws of assimilation - Scotty of Borg
- I like my species the way it is. - Worf to Locutus
- I want your clothes, boots, and, oh yeah, you're assimilated
- I'd rather be assimilating. - Borg Bumper-sticker.
- If Ensign Ro were assimilated, she'd be a Bajoran Borg.
- If you can read this, you're irrelevant. -Borg
- Irrelevant, proper order of words is. Yoda of Borg
- It is irrelevant that the Borg do it.
- It's a futile day in the neigh-Borg-hood...
- It's Hip To Be Square! - Borg Chamber of Commerce
- It's not a human, dammit! It's a Borg!" - Picard
- It's the Borg!! Quick, look useless...
-
- ====================
- STAR TREK COMICOLOGY
- ====================
- by Oxnardus of Borg
-
- From October '93 to February '94, DC Comics Star Trek ran a five-
- part series called "Timecrime". Easily one of the best (if not
- the best) miniseries ran in the entire Star Trek comic book
- corpus, one could not be surprised to see "Timecrime" later
- issued as a graphic novel. This series is more complex and
- contains more plot twists than either the "Mirror Universe Saga"
- (from the previous ST series in DC, released separately in
- graphic novel form) or STNG's "The Worst of Both Worlds"
- (reviewed in RIF #8-10). Both of these miniseries have received
- critical acclaim in the Star Trek comic book world.
-
- Star Trek, Issue #53 (October 1993)
- "Timecrime" Part 1/5 Sub-titled "What's Wrong With the Timeline?"
- Writer: Howard Weinstein; Penciller: Rod Whigham; Inker: Arne
- Starr; Letterer: Richard Stakings; Colorist: Matt Webb; Cover:
- Rod Whigham & Carlos Garzon. Editor: Alan Gold. Published by DC
- Comics.
- PLOT: The story begins in an altered timeline. During a
- temporal disturbance (hey, happens all the time on TNG!) the
- Enterprise discovers a Romulan warship. This causes much ado
- since in this timeline the Romulan Empire was destroyed 50 years
- prior.
- The Romulan admiral (what luck...an admiral's on
- board!) Jaricus explains that he and his associate were on a time
- travel mission. When they returned, they found themselves in a
- timeline where the Klingons and Federation were allies and the
- Romulans were an extinct race. The Romulan's suspect that
- someone went back in time and altered history in order to
- eliminate the Romulan Empire.
- Now begins the discussions as to how to determine the
- "correct" timeline. The alternate Trekians cannot decide whether
- they are the alternate timeline or the Romulans are in fact time
- saboteurs attempting to alter the "correct" timeline in order to
- revive the Romulan Empire.
- To resolve the issue, the Federation decides to solicit
- the help of the Guardian of Forever. The Romulans are at first
- skeptical, but finally agree to the use of the Guardian when
- Jaricus is granted observer status.
- COVER: Kirk, Sulu and Worf [THE Worf's granddaddy!] on the
- bridge of the Enterprise, with Sulu at helm, Kirk looking forward
- at the Romulan cruiser on the view screen. Worf is facing the
- audience with his Klingon hand clenched. The text on the cover
- states: "Star Trek. What is wrong with the timeline?
- Everything!" Hey! The cover actually corresponds with what is
- going on in the book!
- COMMENTS: The reader obviously knows that the narrative
- timeline is the wrong timeline since the First Officer on the
- Enterprise-A is Worf and not Spock (the reader also is
- FORESHADOWED this state of affairs by having Worf on the bridge
- with Kirk and Sulu on the cover). However, the book raises an
- excellent issue...when confronted with of proof of competing
- timelines: how does one determine which timeline is the proper
- one? There is also a discussion, albeit short, on the idea that
- since they are obviously already in a timeline they have been
- happily living with for hundreds of years, then what they are
- living in should by default be the "correct" timeline. The book,
- limited by it's medium, is unable to deeply explore these side
- problems dealing with alternative universes, but it is
- nevertheless refreshing seeing some of them mentioned...even if
- in passing.
- Star Trek, in all of it's incarnations, has explored
- the concept of time travel and it's effect on the march of time.
- Their solution was to create "alternative" timelines. In the TNG
- episode "Parallels", they even introduced the idea of a "quantum
- signature" which would allow a product of one timeline to be
- matched with their originating timeline. That was, of course,
- TNG, a whole generation ahead of TOS. This comic is TOS,
- therefore, they could not use that technical knowledge.
-
- Star Trek, Issue #54 (November 1993)
- "Timecrime" Part 2/5 Sub-titled "Nightmares"
- Writer: Howard Weinstein; Penciller: Rod Whigham; Inker: Arne
- Starr; Letterer: Bob Pinaha; Colorist: Stuart Chaifetz; Cover:
- Rod Whigham & Carlos Garzon. Editor: Alan Gold. Published by DC
- Comics.
- PLOT: At the Guardian of Forever, Kirk discovers that the
- timeline which they are currently living has been definitely
- altered. Kirk also discovers that the change involved a specific
- event in Klingon history and will include, as an indirect result,
- the death of his son, David. Apparently, in this timeline, Kirk
- raised David with Carol Marcus. They were a happy, nuclear
- family.
- Spock and Kor, a Klingon historian with a portfolio
- full of credentials, determined that the time bandits seven
- centuries ago saved the Klingon ruler Khartan from being
- assassinated (pretty tricky, those time bandits).
- A lot of politicking goes on until the powers that be
- decide that "an effort must be made to reestablish the original
- timelime" (even though it is obvious no one really wants to!).
- Spock and Admiral Jaricus remain on the planet to
- observe the Guardian while the "Special Team" prepares to jump
- through the Guardian of Forever. The "Special Team" consists of
- the surgically altered (to look like Klingons) Kirk, Uhura, Sulu
- and McCoy. They are accompanied by already "Klingoned by Birth":
- Worf and Kor.
- COVER: Before the Guardian of Forever, stand dressed in
- ancient Klingon warrior garb, Kirk and Sulu (both surgically
- altered to look like Klingons), and Kirk's new side-kick, Worf.
- Sulu and Kirk have their blades raised while Worf carries his
- battle axe in both hands. All wear different styles of shoes and
- armor, but still keep that attractive (and sharp!) medieval
- Klingon look. They are dressed to kill.
- Words on cover: "Star Trek. Desperate Measures!"
- COMMENTS: To get around the lack of a way to determine who
- belongs where, the solution is to use the Guardian of Forever to
- work out the time problem.
- TNG episodes have developed a theory that all the
- timelines exist concurrently and that one specific timeline has
- no intrinsic value over another except to the timeline traveller
- one who originally belongs to it. Again, in the TNG universe,
- that is determined by an object's quantum signature. TOS,
- however, appears to make a difference between parallel universes
- (e.g. Mirror, Mirror: where the valiant crew have to go up
- against a Spock with a goatee and a militaristic, empirical Star
- Fleet) and altered timelines (e.g., City on the Edge of Forever:
- do I need to give a plotline? The show where Hitler wins and the
- Federation doesn't exist because McCoy saves Edith Keeler!). TNG
- appears not to hold to this theory (e.g. Yesterday's Enterprise -
- where the Enterprise-C mucks up the timeline and creates a
- Federation about to be eaten by the Klingons AND Parallels -
- where Worf gets unstuck in timelines).
- And what does this all mean? I haven't the slightest idea!
- SAMPLE LINE: McCoy: "I'm a doctor -- not a damned oracle."
-
- Next month: Issue 55!!!
-
- =================
- NEXT MONTH IN RIF
- =================
- YOU WILL BE ASSIMILATED: Borgzilla--A Gigantic Reptile Borg
- THE BORG VS. THE DUKES OF HAZARD
- BORG JOKE
- BORG TAGLINES SEEN IN CYBERSPACE Part 3: J - Z
- BORG SING-A-LONG: "Born to be a Borg"
- ALL THINGS COME TO SHE WHO WAITS
- HOW TO DESTROY THE BORG
- HITCH-HIKERS GUIDE TO STAR TREK: THE NEXT GENERATION
- [DON'T PANIC] Part 1 of 8
- STAR TREK PARODY: MAYONNAISE
- STAR TREK COMICOLOGY
-
- ===============
- FROM THE EDITOR
- ===============
- Our new procedure for sending out RIF to regular subscribers
- did not work last month. Therefore the February '93 (#18) issue
- of RIF was sent out late. Thousand pardons. To date, however,
- everyone appears to have received RIF #18 in complete form.
- Again, if you are missing an issue of RIF, just e-mail me and I
- will put you on the mailing queue for back issues.
- Next month RIF will be starting an EIGHT PART (oh no!!!!)
- serializing of "Hitch-Hiker's Guide to Star Trek: The Next
- Generation [Don't Panic]. If you don't remember HHG, better break
- it out and read it so you can catch all the jokes.
- Also, next month, RIF will begin the arduous task of
- presenting ALL of the STNG 7th season parodies from HareWare
- Productions. Yes! That means there will be a HareWare parody in
- every issue of RIF until hell freezes over. Spooky, but true.
- Finally, the wait for back issues will get longer as RIF
- boldly marches into the future. Currently there are 21 separate
- mailings for RIF back issues. They take approximately 3-4 minutes
- to send out...that makes an entire run (including prep time,
- etc.) potentially 90 minutes!!! Therefore, instead of making one
- complete sweep a month, I will begin to attempt to get through
- half the backlog per month. In theory, this would mean every
- other month I'd send out 1-8 and the next 8-18, or something
- similar to that. For the month of February I sent out 1-8.
- Remember, the Borg Club is located EVERYWHERE. If you wish to
- be assimilated just ask a local Borg to do so, or do it yourself.
- There is no shame in being a self-made borg. We are sure they are
- many who would be more than happy to assimilate you quickly and
- painlessly, not to mention take your culture and technology from
- you as well.
- --Oxnardus
-
- ========================================================
- SUBSCRIPTION SERVICE & LISTING OF RIF DISTRIBUTION SITES
- ========================================================
- If you have an e-mail address at InterNet, Genie, NVN,
- Prodigy, AOL, Compu-serve, or FidoNet (or anything else that has
- a gateway to any of these services or is convertible to an
- Internet address), you can get on the RIF subscription list and
- have RIF sent to you via e-mail each month. Just e-mail your
- request to Oxnardus and your name will be put on the list. If you
- are not on Genie, be sure to send your InterNet address.
- Also, if you are a SysOp and you'd like to be a distribution
- site for RIF (and insure your copy of RIF one week prior to e-
- mail subscriptions!), please contact Oxnardus of Borg (addresses
- given below).
- BBS distribution centers (when you call, tell them you heard
- about their BBS from RIF!):
- Phone Name City ST SysOp
- -----------------------------------------------------------------
- (206) 472-1845 RIPCITY Tacoma WA Ripley
- (405) 282-4676 THE Q CONTINUUM OK The Q
- (604) 574-1523 U.S.S. NEXUS BBS B.C. CAN Admiral Kirk
- (607) 777-4866 SUNY-BBS Binghamton NY Drew Halasz
- (616) 381-1124 THE X-FACTOR Kalamazoo MI Lord Vader
- (617) 864-3375 BCSM BBS Boston MA J. M. Tretakoff
- (618) 746-0916 THE ACCESS BBS Scott AFB IL C. Claybaugh
- (805) 854-2478 DA WARREN Arvin CA L. Richardson
- (805) 933-1345 QUACKIN' UP Santa Paula CA Jeff Mercer
- (805) 987-5506 THE REALM Camarillo CA Musical
-
- =================
- COPYRIGHT NOTICES
- =================
- "RIF" acknowledges that Paramount Pictures and its various
- subsidiaries as having the sole rights to the Star Trek
- trademark. "RIF" has no intention to infringe upon that copyright
- or earn profit from this publication. It is distributed free of
- charge. This newsletter may be distributed by anyone if kept
- intact and not altered in any way. Consider it shareware
- publishing! Resistance is Futile, copyright (c) 1994 by RIF BBS.
-
- =================================
- SOLICITATIONS FOR NEXT NEWSLETTER
- =================================
- The next Resistance is Futile will be released on or about May 1,
- 1994 to regular e-mail subscribers and on or about April 23, 1994
- to BBS subscribers. Send submissions to Oxnardus, Ripley, or
- Swannox at the addresses notated below for consideration for a
- future issue. "RIF" is a non-profit fan publication. All
- submissions for publication should be sent to the editors. The
- editors retain editorial control and reprint privileges over the
- submitted materials and reserve the right to use the material in
- whatever way they deem appropriate. Submitted materials will not
- be returned to the sender.
-
- ============================
- BACK ISSUES OF RIF AVAILABLE
- ============================
- Missing an issue? Just e-mail Oxnardus which issue you want. we
- shall endeavor to send it out to you as soon as time permits.
- This is a volunteer outfit so it may take one day, it may take
- thirty days...but rest assured, you shall receive it! The
- requested issue will be sent to you via InterNet or Genie e-mail.
- If you do not have access to InterNet or any InterNet gateways,
- just send $2.00 per issue (for handling and postage) to RIF BBS,
- P.O. Box 7822, Oxnard, CA 93031. Please indicate which issue you
- desire. All back issues are available!
-
- =========================
- ADDRESSES OF CONTRIBUTORS
- =========================
- EDITORS:
- -------
- OXNARDUS: Editor-in-Chief. Genie:K.Taborn; Prodigy:HCMH17A;
- InterNet: k.taborn@genie.geis.com OR oxnardus@therealm; MajorNet:
- Narda@fnz; FidoNet: Oxnardus @ 1:206/2513; VirtualNet: 197 @
- 1805020; WWIVNet: Oxnardus 115 @ 8500; AnarchyNet: Oxnardus @
- 42:1005/1201; RipCity BBS, DA WARREN: Oxnardus; RIME: Kym Taborn;
- US Mail: RIF BBS, P.O. Box 7822, Oxnard, CA 93031
- RIPLEY: Editor, Big Cahuna West Coast. Genie:M.Samuels1;
- Prodigy:NRCR88A; InterNet:m.samuels1@genie.geis.com; RipCity BBS:
- Ripley.
- SWANNOX: Editor, Big Cahuna East Coast. Bitnet: Swann1@MUVMS6;
- Internet: swann1@muvms6.wvnet.edu; Prodigy: JPRN49A
-
- CONTRIBUTORS:
- ------------
- Leonard Richardson: SySop: Da Warren BBS (805) 854-2478
- Fraclicutus: Prodigy
- Tricius: Currently off-line
- Novellus: Currently off-line
- Warp5: Genie: G.CAPP
-
-
-
-
-
-
-
-
- Path: newserv.ksu.ksu.edu!moe.ksu.ksu.edu!vixen.cso.uiuc.edu!howland.reston.ans.net!darwin.sura.net!wvnvms!marshall.wvnet.edu!swann1
- Newsgroups: rec.arts.startrek.current
- Subject: BORG NEWSLETTER #20
- Message-ID: <1994Apr22.000155.5748@muvms6>
- From: swann1@muvms6.wvnet.edu
- Date: 22 Apr 94 00:01:55 EDT
- Organization: Marshall University
- Lines: 836
-
-
-
-
- _____________ ____________ ____________
- * / R \ */ \ */ \
- * | E ______ | *\____ ____/ *| ________/
- * | S |******| | ****| |*** *| F |********
- * | I | *| | *| | *| U |____
- * | S ~~~~~~~ / *| I | *| T \
- * | T ____ \ *| S | *| I ____/
- * | A |*** \ \ *| | *| L |***
- * | N | * \ \ ___*| |____ *| E |
- * | C | * \ \/ \ *| |
- * \__E_/ * \___/______________/ *\____/
- ***** **** ************** *****
- P.O. Box 7822
- Oxnard, CA 93031
-
- THE OFFICIAL ORGAN OF THE GALACTIC BORG CONSCIOUSNESS
- ISSUE NUMBER 20
- May 1994
-
- RESISTANCE IS FUTILE ("RIF") is published and edited by Oxnardus,
- Ripley, and Swannox for distribution on international, national
- and local electronic services, bulletin board conferences, and
- databases. Resistance is Futile is the official newsletter of the
- International Borg Club. Address listings, copyright notices,
- editorial notices, and information on back issues are printed at
- the end of this newsletter. All correspondence should be sent by
- e-mail to Oxnardus, Ripley, or Swannox (addresses given at end of
- newsletter) or mailed to "Resistance is Futile", P.O. Box 7822,
- Oxnard, CA 93031.
-
- =========
- CONTENTS
- =========
- FROM THE EDITOR-IN-CHIEF
- YOU WILL BE ASSIMILATED: Borgzilla -A Gigantic Reptile Borg
- THE BORG VS. THE DUKES OF HAZARD
- BORG JOKE
- BORG TAGLINES SEEN IN CYBERSPACE Part 3: J - Z
- BORG SING-A-LONG: "Born to be a Borg"
- ALL THINGS COME TO SHE WHO WAITS
- HOW TO DESTROY THE BORG
- HITCH-HIKERS GUIDE TO STAR TREK: THE NEXT GENERATION
- [DON'T PANIC] Part 1 of 8
- STAR TREK PARODY: MAYONNAISE [Liaisons] TNG 254
- STAR TREK COMICOLOGY
- NEXT MONTH IN RIF
- Editorial Notices
- Copyright Notices
- Solicitations for next newsletter
- Back issues of RIF available
- Addresses of contributors
-
- ========================
- FROM THE EDITOR-IN-CHIEF
- ========================
- Because of immediate cash flow problems, RIF #20 was released
- 30 days in advance on March 31, 1994. I am hoping that the
- monetary problems will be solved by June 1, 1994! If not, all
- subscribers shall be given notice of the future of RIF.
- This month RIF begins serialization of a fun Star Trek:
- TNG/Hitch-Hiker's Guide cross-over parody. It will be presented
- in 8 parts. Also, this month RIF will begin a parody presentation
- of the entire 7th season from HareWare Productions. Since
- "Descent, Part 2" has already been in RIF #15 (12/93), this
- seasonal presentation will begin with "Mayonnaise", a parody of
- "Liaisons" ST:TNG episode #154. The parodies will continue in
- production code order until reaching the final episode of ST:TNG.
-
- =======================
- YOU WILL BE ASSIMILATED
- =======================
- by Swannox of Borg
-
- BORGZILLA -A Gigantic Reptile Borg-
- -----------------------------------
- Japan...a tiny set of little islands in the pacific on the planet
- earth. SECTOR: 0,0,1. It also seems to be where the raw fish...
- er, Materials and Technology are. After all attempts failed due
- to the vast skill of those darn videogame players and kung-fu
- experts etc. etc. etc. SO AS THE EVER ADAPTING BORG...WHO BETTER
- TO ASSIMILATE JAPAN THAN GODZILLA????
-
- ================================
- THE BORG VS. THE DUKES OF HAZARD
- ================================
- Dukes of Hazard vs. the Borg. I can see it now. Bo drives
- the General Lee off of a conveniently placed ramp and puts the
- car into orbit. Luke jumps through the window of the Borg ship
- and distracts them with moonshine and pictures of Daisy.
- Meanwhile Bo fires an arrow at the Borg ship which miraculously
- hits the self-destruct button. Luke jumps out of the Borg ship
- and land squarely on the hood of the car just before the Borg
- ship blows up. Upon return to Earth, they are immediately
- arrested by Sheriff Roscoe Peco Train who charges them with not
- having their car properly licensed for space travel. Their bail
- is set by Boss Hogg at ten million dollars, forcing Uncle Ben to
- dig deep into his cookie jar for the money to post bail.
- ---David Webb
-
- =========
- BORG JOKE
- =========
- Why can't Borg reproduce normally?
- Because they're infutile.
- ---Jake Bourne
-
- ================================
- ALL THINGS COME TO SHE WHO WAITS
- ================================
- A Meditation on the Acquisition of a Borg Action Figure
- -------------------------------------------------------
- Finally, I have my Lares or Penates or whatever: I have my
- Borg Action Figure. I was a good and mature adult the first time
- I saw one, right before Christmas, when I had fifty places for
- every penny and did not want to have to pack anything more than I
- had already.
- Until tonight, it was also the last time I saw him.
- Oh, I saw the hemiBorg, Locutus, a couple times, but it was
- not he I wished to include among my family portraits.
- So now The Borg stands on his Borg stand atop my MacIIci and
- in his implants I can see the calm assurance that RESISTANCE IS
- FUTILE and I can assimilate anything that comes my way.
- It even makes up for the fact that the trip to Toys R Us which
- resulted in his assimilating our cuboid was for the purpose,
- successfully executed, of acquiring Glitter Hair Barbie, and for
- once cent more, while supplies last, the BARBIE HAPPY BIRTHDAY
- video. Barbie is irrelevant. We will assimilate Skipper, Stacey,
- Midge, Teresa, Kira, Ken, Kevin, Midge, Todd, and yes even Ken
- and Barbie- the borg can always use more plastic for implant
- production...
- ---Olympius of Borg
-
- =======================
- HOW TO DESTROY THE BORG
- =======================
- Have them assimilate... themselves !!!
-
- "Resistance is resistance is resistance is resistance is....
- ...is futile is futile is futile is futile is..."
-
- (recursive borg)
-
- ---D. Germans
-
- ================================
- BORG TAGLINES SEEN IN CYBERSPACE
- ================================
- Part Three: J - Z
- -----------------
- Join the group mind - become a Borg.
- Let LimBORG do it. He knows everything.
- Life ain't easy for a Borg named Hugh.
- Locutus to Pontiac: Excitement is Irrelevant.
- Lubricant. Pennzoil. Steaming hot. - Locutus of Borg
- McBorgs, over half-billion assimilated.
- Me and you and a Borg named Hugh
- My other computer is a Borg.
- Next on Geraldo of Borg: brothers who assimilate sisters.
- Nice Borg. Gooood Borg. Urk!
- Only YOU can prevent futility. Smokey the Borg
- Packled Borg: We look for things. Things to assimilate.
- Prepare to be,like,totally assimilated,OK? Buffy of Borg
- Puddy Tat's are iwelevent Tweety of Borg
- RESISTANCE IS FUTILE... - The Borg
- Resistance is futile (If < .0001 Ohm).
- Resistance is Illogical - Spockutis of Borg.
- Resistance is Useless!!! if < 1 ohm
- Riker, AKA "Number One." A spy for the Borg?
- Roger Daltry of Borg: Hope I die before I'm assimilated.
- Running is irrelevant. Border is irrelevant. Taco Borg
- Rush LimBorg: Liberals are irrelevant!
- Screw the Prime Directive...give the Borg a copy of Windows!
- Seinfeld of Borg: D'juh ever notice resistance is futile?
- Send the Borg a copy of Windows. That'll REALLY slow 'em
- Sorry, the Borg assimilated my mail packet.
- Sylvester of Borg: Birds are irrelevant.
- Sylvester of Borg: Succotash is irrelevant.
- Tennis is irrelevant - Bjorn Borg
- TerminatorBorg
- The Borg Are Back An' Theres Gonna Be Trouble Hey Na Hey
- The Borg assimilated me & all I got was this t-shirt.
- The Borg assimilated my race and all I got was this t-shirt.
- The Borg assimilated my race and all I got was this tagline.
- The Borg Cable Co: The subscriber's wishes are irrelevant
- THE BORG: Calm, Cool and Collective...
- The Borg Express Card: Assimilation has its privileges.
- The Borg have neither honor or courage.
- The Borg is *everywhere*! "Riker"
- The Borg -- plastic surgery taken too far
- The final DOS version of Borg ... ClintonBorg!
- The Last Borg Scout - Starring Patrick Stewart as Locutus
- Tigger of Borg: Assimilatin' is what Tiggers do best!
- To Borg or not to Borg, the question is irrelevant!
- Troi of Borg: And how did assimilation make you feel?
- Victor Borg: Pianos are irrelevant.
- Vote for Locutus/Hugh: 9 of 6 of the Collective Party!!!
- We are Pakled of Borg. We look for irrelevance.
- We are FORMAT of Borg. Your hard drive is assimilated...
- We brake for cubes!
- We have engaged the Borg. The wedding will be Friday.
- We will not assimilate you..IF you can spell 'assimilate'
- Why Ask Why? Try Borg Dry
- Yoooouuuuu'rreee Irrelevant! Daffy Duck of Borg
- Your income is being assimilated Clinton of Borg
- Your life, as it has been, is over. Locutus of Borg
- You will be assimilated... during dinner. - Bates of Borg
- You will use Windows. Resistance is Futile. Borg
- "I'm Beverly...", "I'm Geordi...", "We are Barney..."
- "They turned me into a Borg." "A Borg?" "Well, I got better"
- 'Cause I'm a Borg, yea, yea, yea.
- #1 on BORG Hit Parade: "Borg in the 'Hood'"!
- #1 on BORG Hit Parade: "We all sleep in a single subroutine"
-
- ================
- BORG SING-A-LONG
- ================
- BORN TO BE BORG
- ---------------
- (To the tune of "Born to be Bad," by George Thorogood and the
- Delaware Destroyers)
-
- At the time I was conceived
- The Collective was relieved
- "There's another unit in the Hive"
- Stuck with tubes
- And borne in cubes
- We assimilate all that's alive
-
- I was grey and slow
- But I fought my foe
- Like the little cyborg that I was
- Then we met the E
- And on bended knee
- The android Lore became my "cous"
-
- Born to be Borg
- That is that reason for my life
- Futile resistance deserves nothing but the knife
-
- When my cells are pumped
- and my core is dumped
- I know what the robots will say
- They'll be glad to make me slag
- But all the 'droids will wag
- How I ran until my dying day
-
- ---Sean Keane
-
- ====================================================
- HITCH-HIKERS GUIDE TO STAR TREK: THE NEXT GENERATION
- [DON'T PANIC] Part 1 of 8
- ====================================================
- by David T Lu and Mickey McCarter
-
- SCENE 1:
- [Enterprise Bridge. Everyone at his/her stations.]
- Data: Captain, sensors are picking up two vessels ahead. One
- appears to be firing upon the other. However, I am receiving no
- distress signals.
- Picard: Is it the Borg, Mr. Data?
- Data: I believe it is the Borg, sir. The larger ship appears
- to be rectangular in shape.
- Riker: Red Alert! Shields up! Fire all weapons!
- Picard: Delay that order, Number One. In case you haven't
- noticed, I'm not even kidnapped yet. Therefore, I am in charge
- of this ship!
- Riker: Oh, that's right. Sorry, sir. I'll wait until you've
- been kidnapped, and *then* I'll fire at the Borg ship, with you
- in it!
- Picard: Err..., right! What about the other ship, Data? Is
- it the Romulans?
- Data: Unknown, Captain. It's shaped like ... a shoe.
- Picard: A shoe?
- Riker: It must be the rumored Romulan Nike class. It's
- supposed to run faster, jump farther, has better shields for
- shock absorption, and a little pump on top that you can squeeze.
- I read about it in this week's _Playbeing_ ... err, (avoiding the
- questioning gaze of Troi) only for the articles, of course. It's
- supposed to be top secret. Didn't you see it, Captain?
- Picard: You mean that article on page 42, right after the
- holoimages of Eccentrica Gallumbits, the triple-breasted whore of
- Eroticon Six? Of course not! Everyone knows that I only read
- William Shakespeare and Oolon Colluphid. Data, on screen.
- [On the screen, holoimages of Eccentrica Gallumbits of Eroticon
- Six flash by. She is shown in a variety of rather creative
- poses. Her three breasts hanging ...]
- Picard: The Borg, Mr. Data!
- Data: My apologies, sir. I thought you meant ...
- Picard: Thank you, Mr. Data!
- [On the screen, we now see the Borg ship tractor-beaming a much
- smaller, white, shoe-shaped ship. It's shields almost gone,
- offering no resistance. Hushed disappointments fill the bridge.]
- Picard: (coughs) Worf, open a channel to the ... shoe.
- Worf: Channel opened, sir.
- Eddie: Hi there! I'm Eddie, the shipboard computer here at
- the Heart of Gold, and I want to be your friend!
- Picard: (standing up, straightening his uniform) I'm Jean-Luc
- Picard, Captain of the USS Enterprise. I notice that you are
- having some difficulties. Do you wish our assistance.
- Eddie: Well, hello, Jean-Luc! Oh yeah, I can definitely use
- an extra hand over here. You see, I'm trying to make some tea.
- Riker: Tea?
- Data: Tea. An ancient Earth beverage originated in Asia.
- China, to be precise. It consists of dried leaves in boiled
- water.
- Eddie: Yep, just like your robot says! With milk.
- Riker: Squirted out of a cow?
- Data: Which, I believe, is an English tradition. By the way,
- I am not a robot. I'm an android.
- Wesley: (whispers) Contractions, Data!
- Data: What? Oh, I mean, _I am_ an android.
- Picard: Well, that's all very nice. I am sure we can arrange
- for some tea to be made. Right, Mr. LaForge?
- Geordi: It will require redesigning the data structures of our
- food synthesizers, reprogramming the holodeck to create solid
- matters simulating Asiatic plant life, implementing an error
- checking protocol that allows the two to communicate in parallel,
- and creating a user-friendly, menu-driven, icon-based graphics
- user interface with mouse support and on-line, context-sensitive,
- hypertext help. Give me twenty minutes, and I'll have it purring
- like a Syranian monkey-cow in heat.
- Picard: Make it so, Lieutenant. (turning to Eddie on the
- screen) Actually, the difficulty I was referring to was the Borg
- that is currently attacking you.
- Eddie: Huh? What Borg? Hold on, let me allocate a couple
- megajoules to my external sensors. (pause) Yikes! Hey, guys,
- I'm being attacked! Hold on, I've got to tell some people here
- about this. I'll get back to you in a sec.
- [Insert 30 seconds of Nike Michael Jordon promo commercial here,
- interrupted by an Energizer rabbit drumming in ... "Thump! Thump!
- Thump! And it keeps going, and going, ..."]
-
- SCENE 2:
- [Meanwhile, on the bridge of the Heart of Gold, Arthur, Ford,
- Zaphod, and Trillian are staring at the rear viewer as if they
- are being attacked by the Borg, which, as it happens, they are.
- The ship continuous to rock continuously as it absorbs blows
- upon blows of Borg's phasers. Marvin begins to whistle a new
- tune that he had just made up ...]
- Arthur: So, this is it. We're all going to die.
- Ford: Over a cup of tea.
- Trillian: With milk.
- Marvin: Don't bother to ask me what tune I'm whistling,
- because even if I tell you, you won't understand it. Here I am,
- brain the size of a planet, reduced to entertaining myself by
- making music. Music. Oh, how I hate music. By the way, our
- shields can last another 23.2536 seconds, in case anyone's
- wondering.
- [He paused for what he calculates to the nanosecond the amount of
- time required for an average human being and an average
- Betelgeusian to register in their pity cerebrums the destruction
- time that he had just cited, then added another 1.2548 seconds to
- compensate for this particular crew.]
- Marvin: I'm not getting you down at all, am I?
- Zaphod: Hey, guys, lighten up! I'm sure we can think of
- something! Let's see (looking under the control console) ...
- where's Eddie's plug? Maybe we can, like, pull it or something.
- Marvin: I thought you wanted excitement and adventure and
- really wild things.
- Zaphod: Shut up, Marvin. Zarquons, I need a drink!
- Eddie: Hi guys! (coming back, he startled everyone on the
- Heart of Gold. Zaphod bangs both of his heads under the control
- console) Did someone say a drink? Come on, give me a break!
- Here I am, being attacked by a Borg, whatever _that_ is, and
- first you asked me to make you some tea, and now you want a
- drink??!! All right, what'll it be?
- Zaphod: Some Gargle Blasters, you misaligned piece of Kronian
- El-Cheapo Silicon! Now get us outta here!
- Eddie: On the rocks?
- Zaphod: I said, GET US OUTTA HERE !!!!!!!
- Eddie: Okay, okay. Gee, you don't have to take it so
- personally. Now, where would you like to visit today. I am
- programmed to take you ...
- Zaphod: ANYWHERE !!!!!!
- Marvin: If I may be so bold as to interrupt, which I know is
- pointless anyway as nobody ever listens to what I have to say.
- Nobody ever cares about what I thinks, not that it's anyone's
- fault. My intelligence is so mind-bogglingly vast that nobody can
- even _began_ to understand what I am thinking. Anyway, I just
- like to mention that we will all be dissipated into our composing
- molecules in 5.2387 seconds, not that I'm counting. It's being
- nice knowing you all ...
- Eddie: Anywhere? Hmmmm... well, can someone at least give me
- a seed for the random number generator?
- [Zaphod lunges toward the control console, hitting a combination
- of buttons and switches all at once. Suddenly, the bridge begins
- to bend out of shape. Space and time warps on top of itself and
- falls over. Traffic lights appear out of nowhere and amuse
- themselves by handing out parking tickets. The last decimal digit
- of pi shys away into a corner and hides itself from
- mathematicians forever. It starts to rain "We are the World"
- albums.]
-
- What will happen to our beloved Enterprise? Will they be able to
- stop the Borg? What about the Heart of Gold? Will it survive
- the Borg's phasers? Does Arthur still have his pocket fluff? Is
- anyone carrying a towel? Finally, the question that has been
- burning in our hearts since the beginning of time ... will Arthur
- finally be able to get his cup of tea? With milk? For the
- answers to these, and many other, totally irrelevant questions,
- stay tuned for the next exciting episode of ...
-
- The Hitchhiker's Guide to Star Trek: The Next Generation!
-
- ================
- STAR TREK PARODY
- ================
- MAYONNAISE
- ----------
- Hareware Productions presents "Mayonnaise"
- A parody of ST:TNG's "Liasons." TNG Production number 254.
- By Leonard Richardson
-
- TEASER:
- Picard: (voiceover) Captain's Log, stardate 47031.2. We are
- awaiting the arrival of the Bobian ambassadors. Meanwhile, Troi
- has decided to keep her regulation uniform. Darn.
- <The shuttle bay. The Bobian ambassadors get out.>
- Obnoxious Ambassador: My tush sweated the whole trip! I gotta
- get one of those cool-air cushions!
- Hyper Ambassador: Oh boy!
- Sleepy Ambassador: Zzzzz... (falls over)
- Bobian Pilot: C'mon Picard, we're going to be late!
- Picard: All right, all right... (gets in the shuttle)
-
- ACT 1:
- <The shuttle, zooming through space.>
- Picard: So, how much are you getting paid to do this episode?
- Bobian Pilot:<ignores him>
- Picard: How 'bout them Dodgers?
- Bobian Pilot: <grumble>
- Picard: Um... I'll go make me some tea.
- <Suddenly the shuttle shakes violently. Picard goes flying.>
- Picard: WHAAA! <gets up> What was that?
- Bobian Pilot: The engines have overheated! And I forgot to pay
- the insurance premium this month!
- Picard: Agh! Is there anywhere we could land?
- Bobian Pilot: There's a planet in this system that appears
- habitable. OH NO!
- Picard: What?
- Bobian Pilot: It's inhabited by creatures that resemble
- Michelle from "Full House!"
- Picard: Oh no! On screen!
- Michelle: (on screen) You will be assimilated.
- Picard: Horrors!
- Bobian Pilot:The planet has us in it's tractor beam!
- Picard: How can a planet have a tractor beam?
- Bobian Pilot: Um... it's not really a planet! It's the Death
- Star!
- Picard: Then what are creatures that resemble Michelle from
- "Full House" doing on it?
- Bobian Pilot:They invaded! How should I know?
- Picard: You're hiding something!
- Bobian Pilot: So what?
- Picard: I dunno... try to break free of the tractor beam!
- Bobian Pilot: I'm attempting to break into their computer
- system...
- Picard: What good will that do?
- Bobian Pilot: I'm trying to alter their ratings.
- <Suddenly the planet disappears>
- Bobian Pilot: I did it! They thought their ratings were at the
- level that they would be if more people called Da Warren BBS
- instead of watching the show!
- Picard: Good work!
- Bobian: Oops!
- Picard: What?
- Bobian Pilot: We never did anything about the engines!
- Both: AAAAAAH!
- <Shot of the shuttle dropping like a stone into the atmosphere of
- a planet. Suddenly the shot disappears and is replaced by a
- picture of Ensign Ro.>
- Ro: Hi! Have you ever wondered what happened to me after
- "Rascals"?
- TV Audience: No! Go away! We wanna see what happens to
- Picard!
- Ro: I went into movies! Here are some clips from my latest!
- <Shot of a darkened room. Lots of football players are sitting on
- benches, as is Ro.>
- Coach: (pointing to Ro) What's your assignment?
- Ro: Kill EVERYBODY!
- <She pulls out a machine gun and starts firing. The football
- players and coach dive under the benches screaming.>
- <Various shots of Ro playing football, knocking people over,
- smashing car windows with her face, etc.>
- Voice-over:A story of what it takes to survive...
- Voice-over and caption: THE ROGRAM!
- TV Audience: BOO! (loud crashing noises, gunshots, and
- screams)
-
- <<COMMERCIAL BREAK>>
- ACT 2:
- <10-Forward. A party is going on. Troi is leading the Hyper
- Ambassador through the buffet.>
- Troi: And this is the Spam. Yuck.
- Hyper Ambassador:(sniffs it) Bleah! Why don't you have
- anything on your plate?
- Troi: I'm saving it for the little tuna sandwiches. Look!
- <She pulls him over to the tuna sandwich platter and starts
- scooping them onto her plate.>
- Hyper Ambassador:(pops one into his mouth) Yum! (takes the
- entire platter!)
- Obnoxious Ambassador:I don't like this Spam! Take it back,
- Klingon!
- Worf: <grunt>
- Obnoxious Ambassador: And stop grunting!
- Sleepy Ambassador: Zzzzzz...
-
- <The shuttle>
- Picard: (shaking the Bobian Pilot) Hey! Wake up!
- Bobian Pilot: Bleah...
- Dr. Mccoy:(suddenly appearing) He's dead, Jim!
- <Tasha appears and phasers him.>
- Picard: Tasha! Wait!
- <Tasha disappears>
- Picard: This just isn't my day.
- <He opens the door and goes out onto the planet. Lighting shoots
- around him. Suddenly a bolt of lightning hits him.>
- Picard: AAAAGH! <falls over>
- <A figure looms over Picard.>
-
- <<COMMERCIAL BREAK>>
- ACT 3:
- <A strange set that is a crashed freighter but doesn't look a bit
- like it. Picard is lying on his side on a makeshift bed, a woman
- is sitting at a table eating mayonnaise from a jar with a long
- spoon.>
- Picard:<groan>
- <Jennifer runs over to him with the mayonnaise jar.>
- Jennifer: Here, have some mayonnaise.
- Picard: Where am I?
- Jennifer: Here! <offers him the jar>
- Picard: No thanks.
- Jennifer: Eat it! It's good for you!
- Picard: Bleah!
- <Jennifer starts crying.>
- Picard: Oh, all right... but only a little!
- <He grits his teeth and eats a spoonful.>
- Picard: Is there any way to escape this planet?
- Jennifer:No! And the replicator's broken! It won't make
- anything besides mayonnaise!
- Picard: How horrid! How long have you been living like
- this?
- Jennifer: Seven years!
- Picard: No wonder you're so thin!
- Jennifer:Yup! When I get out of here I'm gonna sell it as a
- diet plan and get rich!
- Picard: It'll beat Nutrasystem all right.
- Jennifer: Tastes better too.
- Picard:There's a replicator in the crashed shuttle. Can you go
- and get it?
- Jennifer: Alright. <she leaves and locks the door>
-
- <<COMMERCIAL BREAK>>
- ACT 4:
- <Ten-Forward>
- Worf: I have had it with my ambassador!
- Riker: I know!
- Worf: What?
- Riker: How about a friendly game of Monopoly?
- Worf: Warriors do not play Monopoly! Ferengi play Monopoly!
- Warriors go out and kill people with big swords!
- Riker: Well, why don't you go kill Obnoxious Ambassador with
- your big sword?
- Worf: <grunt> I can't find it. I think Alexander took it to
- school for Career Day.
-
- <Somebody's quarters. A Monopoly game is going on. Hyper
- Ambassador is eating a tuna sandwich.>
- Riker: <rolls the dice> A six, <counts the spaces> Kentucky.
- Hyper Ambassador: That's mine! <does a little dance of joy>
- Sleepy Ambassador: Zzzzz...
- <Suddenly Worf sees Obnoxious Ambassador take his title deed to
- Reading Railroad.>
- Worf: Hey! That's my railroad!
- Obnoxious Ambassador:It is not! You're just mad because I have
- all 4!
- Worf:You have all 4 because you have been cheating!
- Obnoxious Ambassador: Are you calling me a liar, Klingon?
- <Worf slugs him. A fight ensues. Suddenly Q appears in a
- cheerleader outfit.>
- Q: Gimme a W! Gimme an O! Gimme an R! Gimme an F! What does
- that spell?
- All: WORF!
- <Q disappears. Worf throws Obnoxious Ambassador onto the floor.>
- Obnoxious Ambassador:Ouch! That was most illuminating, thank
- you. I shall go write my report now. <leaves>
- Troi:So what do we do with his properties then?
-
- <The crashed ship.>
- Picard: Why did you lock the door?
- Jennifer: Because you didn't eat any mayonnaise!
- Picard: I did too!
- Jennifer:You spit it out! I saw you! <grabs the jar and
- wrestles Picard to the ground> Eat! Eat! Eat!
- Picard: Back! You mayonnaise maniac! HEEEEEELP!
- <Picard smashes the mayonnaise jar in his struggles!>
- Jennifer: Waaaah! <runs outside>
- <When suddenly the Bobian Pilot enters>
- Picard: Bobian Pilot! I thought you were dead!
- Bobian Pilot:Nope! Hey, I saw a crazy lady run over there. Is
- she in trouble?
- Picard: Yes! We've got to go find her!
-
- <The planet. Same set as before but different location.>
- Picard: We can cover twice as much ground if we split up.
- Bobian Pilot: Alright, see ya.
- <Picard walks along, whistling. Suddenly he sees Jennifer and
- notices that she is standing dangerously close to a large pool of
- natural mayonnaise.>
- Jennifer:<holding jar of mayonnaise to Picard> Stop! Or I'll
- jump!
- Picard: Stop this! For one thing, it's getting really stupid!
- For another, how can you have that mayonnaise jar? I broke it!
- Jennifer:Agh! <suddenly Jennifer disappears and becomes Bobian
- Pilot!>
- Bobian Pilot:I see my plan didn't work. Seven years ago, we
- found a crashed ship on this planet. The logs talked of a woman
- who had crashed in it and survived on mayonnaise. This was our
- first encounter with humankind, and we figured that anyone who
- could live on mayonnaise for seven years was someone that we
- would want to have as allies. We also sent three ambassadors to
- your ship to experience other common human emotions, such as
- oversleep, annoyance, and silliness.
- Picard:On our world, what you have done would be considered a
- crime.
- Bobian Pilot: Crime... hm...
- Picard: Don't even think about it.
-
- <The shuttle bay. Picard gets out of the shuttle.>
- Picard: Thank you, that was a most... enlightening experience.
- Bobian Pilot: Anytime.
- Hyper Ambassador:(to Troi) Here is some of the food we eat on
- our planet. It doesn't compare to little tuna sandwiches, but I
- thought you might find it interesting.
- Troi: That's all right, I think I've had enough tuna
- sandwiches for a while.
- <Hyper Ambassador presents Troi with a jar of mayonnaise.>
- Picard: AAAAH! <faints>
- Ensign Ro:<suddenly appearing> And don't forget to watch "The
- Rogram!" Rated R for Ro!
- <Tasha appears but Ro knocks her over, runs out of the shuttle
- bay into empty space, and keeps running until out of the shot.>
-
- THE END
-
- ====================
- STAR TREK COMICOLOGY
- ====================
- by Oxnardus of Borg
- (continued from RIF #19)
-
- Star Trek, Issue #55 (December 1993)
- "Timecrime" Part 3 Sub-titled "Time...To Time"
- Writer: Howard Weinstein; Penciller: Rob Davis; Inker: Arne
- Starr; Letterer: Bob Pinaha; Colorist: Matt Webb; Cover: Rod
- Whigham & Carlos Garzon. Editor: Alan Gold. Published by DC
- Comics.
- PLOT: Kirk says a painful goodbye to his son, knowing that if
- his mission is successful, David will be dead. Meanwhile Jaricus
- and Venitra (the two Romulans remaining in that timeline) discuss
- the possible results of a successful mission. Jaricus tells
- Venitra that if that happens, they will "learn from our
- mistakes."
- Spock, Jaricus, Venitra, and the "Special Team" beam
- down to the Guardian's planet. The "Special Team" jump through
- the Guardian and find themselves 7 centuries into Klingon's home
- planet's past. The group break up. Sulu and Worf are sent out to
- find a room with a view. Kirk, McCoy, Uhura and Kor start to look
- for Khartan and the conspirators from the future who are going to
- attempt to save Khartan's life. They find him walking through the
- market square with his chief of security Zorjak at the forefront.
- Some of the guards push Uhura away, causing Kirk to uphold her
- honor. Kirk gets arrested. Kor follows Kirk to the jail, while
- McCoy and Uhura go to look for Worf and Sulu. Meanwhile, Khartan
- rides by on his horse.
- Later that day, Kirk is taken from the dungeon to see
- Khartan. Seems Khartan wants to apologize for arresting him and
- the actions of his guards (a nice Klingon? That settles it! This
- guy IS dead meat). They hit it off very well and soon they are
- drinking wine and discussing airplane designs.
- Kirk then meets up with his loyal crew who are patiently
- waiting for him outside the dungeon/government administration
- building. They stand around and try to figure out keeps Khartan
- from dying by Zorjak's plans (which is the **PROPER** timeline
- event!). Zorjak then comes over to Kirk, is rude and then with a
- detail of his security guards walks over to a carriage which then
- blows up. Zorjak and his detail are killed.
- Bummed out by the fact that they did not protect the
- people who were supposed to kill Khartan, the "Special Team"
- conjecture that Zorjak's death may not have hindered the
- conspiracy, especially since they did not know whether Zorjak
- actually did the killing. They do establish that the explosion
- was caused by the time bandits since the explosive used was a
- Klingon explosive that was designed in the 22nd century. That
- starts them thinking that it may have been a Klingon plot or
- someone who wants them to think it was a Klingon plot. Then Kirk
- notices that Worf is no longer with them.
- Worf runs to the top of a building and gives Khartan a
- full phaser shot in the chest (talk about prime directive and
- time travel problems!!!!). With the deed done, the "Special Team"
- returns through the Guardian only to find that the Romulan Empire
- still does not exist!!!! The Romulans observing get pretty peeved
- at Kirk. Venitra yells, "Kirk! You'll pay for this treachery!"
- COVER: Kirk and Sulu are still in Klingon battle garb but this
- time they have six shooters drawn (not like blades held loftily
- as in issue #54!) and they are standing (posed for firing) in the
- foreground of an angry, with hands clenched and forearms raised,
- Klingon with a spiked dog collar around his neck. He is balding
- and I have no idea who he is in the book (and they were doing so
- well too in keeping the covers depicting what was in the book!).
- Words on cover say: "Star Trek. The Gods be with the Peacemaker--
- for today he must die!"
- COMMENTS: As all interior segments of a serial, this issue
- moves the plot but resolves nothing. The question of who would
- benefit from this timeline change is raised. Both Klingons and
- Romulans have been implicated, and yet even those possibilities
- leave a lot to be desired. Furthermore, they killed Khartan, and
- the timeline is still messed up! It's enough to make you want to
- stop trusting the Guardian of Forever.
-
- Issues #56 & 57 next month!
-
- =================
- NEXT MONTH IN RIF
- =================
- TRIBBLE TAGLINES SEEN IN CYBERSPACE Part 1
- HITCH-HIKERS GUIDE TO STAR TREK: THE NEXT GENERATION
- [DON'T PANIC] Part 2 of 8
- STAR TREK PARODY: Linterface [Interface] TNG 255
- STAR TREK COMICOLOGY
-
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- =================================
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- This is a volunteer outfit so it may take one day, it may take
- thirty days...but rest assured, you shall receive it! The
- requested issue will be sent to you via InterNet or Genie e-mail.
- If you do not have access to InterNet or any InterNet gateways,
- just send $2.00 per issue (for handling and postage) to RIF BBS,
- P.O. Box 7822, Oxnard, CA 93031. Please indicate which issue you
- desire. All back issues are available!
-
- =========================
- ADDRESSES OF CONTRIBUTORS
- =========================
- EDITORS:
- -------
- OXNARDUS: Editor-in-Chief. Genie:K.Taborn; Prodigy:HCMH17A;
- InterNet: k.taborn@genie.geis.com OR oxnardus@therealm; MajorBBS:
- Narda@fnz; FidoNet: Oxnardus @ 1:206/2513; VirtualNet: 197 @
- 1805020; WWIVNet: Oxnardus 115 @ 8500; AnarchyNet: Oxnardus @
- 42:1005/1201; RipCity BBS, DA WARREN: Oxnardus; RIME: Kym Taborn
- [->1542]; US Mail: RIF BBS, P.O. Box 7822, Oxnard, CA 93031
- RIPLEY: Editor, Big Cahuna West Coast. Genie:M.Samuels1;
- Prodigy:NRCR88A; InterNet: m.samuels1@genie.geis.com; RipCity
- BBS: Ripley.
- SWANNOX: Editor, Big Cahuna East Coast. Bitnet: Swann1@MUVMS6;
- Internet: swann1@muvms6.wvnet.edu; Prodigy: JPRN49A
-
- CONTRIBUTORS:
- ------------
- Leonard Richardson: SySop: Da Warren BBS (805) 854-2478
- David T Lu: unknown
- Mickey McCarter: Internet: mickey@brahms.udel.edu
- Sean Keane: Internet: sean@gspring.com; RIME: Sean Keane [->467]
- David Webb: Internet: dwebb@vax1.umkc.edu
- Jake Bourne: Internet: cs_d575@king.ac.uk
- Olympius of Borg: Internet: juliaellen@aol.com; AOL: juliaellen
- D. Germans: Internet: dgermans@cs.vu.nl
-
-
-
-
-
-
- Path: newserv.ksu.ksu.edu!moe.ksu.ksu.edu!vixen.cso.uiuc.edu!howland.reston.ans.net!darwin.sura.net!wvnvms!marshall.wvnet.edu!swann1
- Newsgroups: rec.arts.startrek.current
- Subject: BORG NEWSLETTER INFO FOLLOW UP
- Message-ID: <1994Apr22.000629.5749@muvms6>
- From: swann1@muvms6.wvnet.edu
- Date: 22 Apr 94 00:06:29 EDT
- Organization: Marshall University
- Lines: 17
-
- If you have been following the trail of posting...You will have the almost
- complete collectle. Some notes about the postings.
-
- ISSUE #14
- due to a corrupt file, E-Mail OXNARDUS at K.TABORN@GENIE.GEIS.COM she will
- forward you an issue as soon as time and money permits (while you get this
- publication for free, it does cost us e-mail, however we do provide)
-
-
- ISSUE #21 will be posted in JUNE
-
-
- FOR SUBSCRIPTION INFORMATION CONTACT OXNARDUS AT K.TABORN@GENIE.GEIS.COM
- if you are not able to contact that address, send all mail to
- SWANN1@GENIE.GEIS.COM and I will forward all mail
-
-
-
-