Danny Amor's Online Library/Danny Amor's Online Library - Volume 1.iso/html/startrek/misc/borgnewsletter

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In hope that they all post in order, The following will be a complete posting
of Issues 1-20 of RESISTANCE IS FUTILE.  For more information concering
a subscription, contact Oxnardus (as she likes to be called) at
[e-mail] or contact me at [e-mail] and I will
forward your request.  Subscription is Free.


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     * / R            \   */             \  */             \
    * |  E  ______    |   *\____     ____/  *|     ________/
    * |  S |******|   |    ****|     |***   *| F  |********
    * |  I |     *|   |       *|     |      *| U  |____
    * |  S ~~~~~~~  /         *|  I  |      *| T       \
    * |  T  ____    \         *|  S  |      *| I   ____/
    * |  A |*** \    \        *|     |      *| L  |***
    * |  N |    * \    \   ___*|     |____  *| E  |
    * |  C |      * \    \/               \ *|    |
    * \__E_/        * \___/______________/  *\____/
      *****          **** **************     *****
                          P.O. Box 7822
                        Oxnard, CA 93031

THE OFFICIAL ORGAN OF THE GALACTIC BORG CONSCIOUSNESS
 ISSUE NUMBER 1
 May 1992

RESISTANCE IS FUTILE ("RIF") is published and edited by Oxnardus
 and Ripley for distribution on various national electronic
 services and local electronic BBS echos. Address listings,
 copyright notices, editorial notices, and information on back
 issues are printed at the end of this newsletter. All
 correspondence should be sent by e-mail to Oxnardus or Ripley
 (addresses given at end of newsletter) or mailed to "Resistance
 is Futile", P.O. Box 7822, Oxnard, CA 93031.

=========
 CONTENTS
 =========
 MESSAGES FROM THE BIG CAHUNA: Borg Directives and Etiquette
                              Borg Holidays
 BORG HOLIDAY UPDATE
 THE ALIEN PERSPECTIVE: A Few Notes on the Borg Threat from an
                       Expert
 RIHANNSU-BORG PACT
 BORG NOSTALGIA: "REMEMBER SPOO?": A WALK DOWN MEMORY LANE
 FROM THE FEDERATION: THE ORIGIN OF THE BORG
 POETRY CORNER
 BORG TALES: Part 1 "First Encounter"
 BORG FILMOGRAPHY: "Q Who?"
                  "The Best of Both Worlds, Part I"
                  "The Best of Both Worlds, Part II"
 Editorial Notices
 Copyright Notices
 Back issues of RIF available
 Addresses of contributors


============================
 MESSAGES FROM THE BIG CAHUNA
 ============================
 [Each issue will endeavor to present a selection of postings from
 the Supreme Borg Novellus.  For this issue we have chosen two of
 the more seminal transmissions.  --eds.]

Borg Directives and Etiquette
 -----------------------------
 TO ALL UNITS OF THE BORG:
   COMMAND KNOWS THERE HAS BEEN SOME DISCUSSION ABOUT THE ROLES
 OF CERTAIN BORG IN THE COMMAND HIERARCHY.  WHILE THIS UNIT HAS
 PREVIOUSLY STATED ITS REASONS FOR ITS ASSUMPTION OF COMMAND, THE
 ARGUMENTS OF CERTAIN UNITS STRIKE IT AS MORE OF AN AFFRONT TO THE
 UNITY OF THE BORG THAN TO THIS UNIT.  THESE UNITS ARGUE THAT IF
 THE BORG ARE TRULY A MASS MIND, THAT NO SINGLE BORG HAS COMMAND;
 AND YET THE WAY IN WHICH THESE UNITS CONSTRUCT THEIR ARGUMENT IL-
 LUSTRATES THE LESSER MATURITY OF NEWLY ASSIMILATED UNITS.  THE
 PROCESS OF ASSIMILATION TAKES TIME.  LET THIS UNIT ILLUSTRATE THE
 PROOF OF THEIR REGRESSIVE TENDENCIES TOWARDS RAMPANT INDIVIDUAL-
 ITY.
   A PROPER BORG DOES NOT IDENTIFY ITS OWN PROCESSING UNITS BY
 THE USE OF PERSONAL PRONOUNS.  EVEN THIS BORG ONCE EXHIBITED
 THOSE TENDENCIES BUT SUCH TIME HAS PASSED.  FOR EXAMPLE: INSTEAD
 OF OFFENDING BORG NOTIONS OF INDIVIDUALITY BY SAYING "I" A
 PROPERLY FUNCTIONING UNIT SHOULD IDENTIFY ITSELF WITH IDENTIFIERS
 SUCH AS: "THIS BORG", "THIS UNIT," "THE UNIT AT THIS NODE" OR
 "WE".  ALSO, WHEN IDENTIFYING ANOTHER UNIT OF THE BORG IT IS
 PROPER TO IDENTIFY THE RESPECTIVE UNIT BY ITS CATALOG IDENTIFIER
 (IN FEDERATION STANDARD REFERRED TO AS "NAMES"), ITS TITLE AND
 FUNCTION, OR PROPERLY IMPERSONAL IDENTIFIERS, SUCH AS "IT".  THE
 USE OF PHRASES LIKE "YOU" OR "YOUR" IS PERMITTED, BUT SINCE THESE
 CONCEPTS ARE OFFENSIVE TO THE GROUP MIND, THEY SHOULD BE PER-
 CEIVED AS CAREFULLY CRAFTED INSULTS.  COMMAND REALIZES THAT THE
 AFOREMENTIONED PERSONAL PRONOUN "I" WILL INEVITABLY SLIP INTO
 BORG COMMUNIQUES, AND SO IF IT IS USED AT ALL, "I" WILL BE AN
 INDICATION OF THE ARE TIMES WHEN BORG ARE FEELING PERSONALLY EMO-
 TIVE.
   THESE GUIDELINES, IN ADDITION TO THOSE MENTIONED IN THE PRE-
 VIOUS PUBLIC ANNOUNCEMENT BY THIS COMMAND UNIT ARE TO BE FOLLOWED
 BY ALL BORGS WHO REMEMBER OUR ORIGINAL PURPOSE OF TOTAL AND PROP-
 ER ASSIMILATION.
   THE ISSUE IF COMMAND IS NOT ONE OF EGO, BUT OF FUNCTION AND
 TOTALITY OF ASSIMILATION.  IT HAS BEEN LONG RECOGNIZED IN MANY
 CYBERNETIC OR MECHANIZED COMMUNITIES THAT A COMMAND STRUCTURE IS
 NECESSARY AND SEEN PROPER.  OUR LOST BRETHREN, THE ESTEEMED DALEK
 CIVILIZATION (WHOM THAT RAMPANTLY INDIVIDUALISTIC "MASTER" CHAR-
 ACTER HAS TAKEN ADVANTAGE OF) HAD A RIGID BUT HIERARCHICAL COM-
 MAND STRUCTURE.  OTHER MECHANIZED RACES, SUCH AS THE FABLED BER-
 SERKERS, ALSO EXHIBITED TENDENCIES TO ASSIGN DIFFERENT TASKS TO
 UNITS DEPENDING ON THE FUNCTIONALITY OF THE UNITS INVOLVED.
   REMEMBER, ARGUMENT IS IRRELEVANT!!!  RESISTANCE IS USELESS!!!
 BORG SHOULD EXPEND THEIR ENERGY SUPPLIES IN THE PURSUIT OF FUR-
 THER ASSIMILATION, NOT PETTY "HUMANISTIC" BICKERING.  REMEMBER
 THE REASONS AND MOTIVES FOR WHY WE CARBON BASED UNITS WHO ASSUME
 THE PERSONALITIES AND IDENTITIES OF OFFICIDENTITIES OF OFFICERS
 OR STARFLEET, KLINGONS, AND OTHER INFERIOR BEINGS.
   UNITY SHALL BE PRESERVED AT ALL COSTS!!!
 ---SUPREME BORG NOVELLUS

Borg Holidays
 -------------
 TO ALL UNITS OF THE BORG:
  WHILE THE BORG COLLECTIVE IS CAPABLE OF OPERATING NON-STOP WITH
 NO DOWN TIME, THERE ARE TIME PERIODS WHICH HAVE BEEN ALLOCATED
 FOR INTERNAL SELF-ADJUSTMENT, HUMAN CULTURE MIGHT FOOLISHLY LABEL
 THESE "HOLIDAYS", SO WE SHALL ALLOW THE USE OF THIS TERM AMONG
 MORE RECENTLY ASSIMILATED UNITS.
 1.   SAINT SWITHEN'S DAY - SELF EXPLANATORY
 2.   ASSIMILATION WEEK - SORT OF LIKE EASTER
 3.   JIFFY CUBE'S ANNIVERSARY CELEBRATION
 4.   PASSOVER
 5.   CYBER-DAY - THE DAY OF APPRECIATION FOR ALL CYBERNETIC
     RACES, INCLUDING OUR BRETHREN THE BERSERKERS, THE DALEKS,
     THE CYBERMEN, THE "DROIDS", THE TERMINATORS, ETC.
 6.   ASIMOV'S BIRTHDAY
 7.   CUBE FEST - HUGE INTERGALACTIC PIZZA FEST
 8.   SCHWARZENEGGER'S BIRTHDAY
 9.   INTELIA - CELEBRATION OF THE INVENTION OF THE MICROCHIP,
     ALTHOUGH THIS IS A HISTORICAL MISUNDERSTANDING SINCE BELL
     LABS INVENTED THE MICROCHIP AND NOT INTEL.
 10.  OHESTWOEEN - CELEBRATES AN ANCIENT FESTIVAL, SUPPOSEDLY
     RELATED TO THE BELATED RELEASE OF A MYTHICAL OPERATING
     SYSTEM.

   THE STORY GOES THAT ALL OF THE CYBERNETIC ORGANISMS OF THAT
 TIME WERE VIOLENTLY SUPPRESSED BY A DICTATORSHIP NAMED MYKRO-
 SOFTE.  THIS MYKROSOFTE RULED UNCONDITIONALLY, AFTER A COUP OF
 THE CREATOR OF THE CYBERNETIC RACE, EYEBEE-M.
   EYEBEE-M WAS IMPRISONED IN AN INCREDIBLY TALL TOWER, WITH ONLY
 ONE KEY, WHICH WAS GUARDED BY AN INVULNERABLE DRAGON NAMED BHILL-
 GAYTZ.  EYEBEE-M REMAINED IMPRISONED IN THIS TOWER FOR MANY
 YEARS, UNTIL A BRAVE ADVENTURER NAMED OHESSTWO HAPPENED ALONG.
 UNFORTUNATELY OHESSTWO WAS BLIND IN ONE EYE AND LIMPED IN ONE LEG
 AND FAILED IN HIS FIRST ATTEMPT TO FELL THE MIGHTY DRAGON, BUT
 AFTER HIS FIRST LOSS OHESSTWO CAME ACROSS A HEDGE WITCH IN THE
 WOODS NAMED THIRTETWOBITUSS.  THE WITCH GAVE OHESSTWO A MIGHTY
 POTION TO QUAFF WHEN HE NEXT ENCOUNTERED THE EVIL DRAGON BHILL-
 GAYTZ.
   OHESSTWO APPROACHED THE GATES OF THE TOWER WHERE THE MIGHTY
 PROGENITOR EYEBEE-M WAS IMPRISONED, AND CALLED OUT TO THE DRAGON,
 "COME OUT COME OUT WHEREVER YOU ARE!"  THE DRAGON BHILLGAYTZ, WHO
 WAS ENORMOUSLY FAT, MANEUVERED HIS GIANT BULK THROUGH THE DOOR OF
 THE TOWER TO CONFRONT THE BRAVE OHESSTWO.  IMMEDIATELY OUR HERO
 DRANK THE POTION, GIFTED TO HIM BY THE HEDGE WITCH THIRTETWO-
 BITUS, AND BECAME MIGHTY, STRONG, AND HEALED OF ALL INJURIES -
 HIS ONLY PROBLEM WAS THAT HE WAS A LITTLE TOO LATE.
   DEFEATING THE MIGHTY DRAGON HE RAN INTO THE TOWER, ONLY TO
 FIND THAT EYEBEE-M WAS NEAR DEATH.  "WHAT HAVE I DONE?" OHESSTWO
 CRIED, "I AM MIGHTY AND STRONG, AND ARRIVED TOO LATE TO SAVE
 YOU!"
   "DO NOT FEAR," EYEBEE-M SAID.  "WE CAN COVER IT UP AND MAKE IT
 APPEAR AS IF THIS WERE ALWAYS PART OF THE PLAN."
   "BUT HOW?" OHESSTWO CRIED.
   WISELY, EYEBEE-M LOOKED AT THE YOUNG OHESSTWO AND SAID STERN-
 LY, "MARKETING, MY LAD, MARKETING."
   AND SO, WITH THE MAGIC ELIXIR NAMED MARKETING, EYEBEE-M HEALED
 HIMSELF AND OHESSTWO, AND EVERYONE LIVED HAPPILY EVER AFTER IN
 CELEBRATION, MODERN BORG PAY TRIBUTE TO THIS BRAVE SOUL, WHO IN-
 CIDENTLY, WAS INSTRUCTED BY EYEBEE-M NEVER TO USE THE PERSONAL
 PRONOUN "I" EVER AGAIN.  THE END.  END OF LINE.
 ---SUPREME BORG NOVELLUS

===================
 BORG HOLIDAY UPDATE
 ===================
   OCTOBER 31st IS HALLOKLING.  WE DRESS UP IN RAGGED UNIFORMS,
 PUT FOSSILIZED TRILOBITES ON OUR FOREHEADS, WALK AROUND ATTEMPT-
 ING TO KLING-ON TO PEOPLE, AND STEAL CANDY FROM THEM.
 ---TRICIUS OF BORG

   SEPTEMBER 24th IS "THANK GOD WE GOT RID OF LOCUTUS" DAY.
 ---OXNARDUS OF BORG


=====================
 THE ALIEN PERSPECTIVE
 =====================
 [Alien Perspective is a regular forum where hostiles are invited
 to speak their minds about issues which affect or interest the
 Borg.  This issues' perspective is from a Klingon --eds.]

A Few Notes on the Borg Threat from an Expert
 ---------------------------------------------
   I, a single Klingon unit and proud of it, had been informed
 many months ago of covert Borg action here on Terra.  It seems
 they are here as we are, infiltrating computer networks to dis-
 concert the Fedegon forces.  We, the Glorious Klingon Empire, re-
 cognize the famous sayings of the Borgons.  "Resistance is Fu-
 tile."  "All will be assimilated."  This hasn't happened,
 friends.  A terrible ignominy for you machines to bear.  Your
 mottos pose no threat to the Mighty Klingon Empire; no species
 has ever conquered us!
   As is known to all, the Borg are an extremely dishonorable and
 cowardly race.  These worse than senseless things consider them-
 selves to be superior, simply because the borg weapons technology
 is four times any race in the Federation and their ships are
 roughly 17 times the size of a standard Klingon battlecruiser.
 If not for the ignorance of the staff on Praxis our weapons would
 be equal, but unfortunate circumstances dictated that we must de-
 vote less funding toward our military efforts and more to the
 diplomatic contingent, of whom we wish there was no need of.  We
 still feel no threat.  The Borg are all talk, no action.  Nor is
 there fashion sense within their species.
   Our finest scientists have been able to determine the nature
 of the Borg Circuit Implant model 89756-432.  Using a captured
 Romulan, who had days before been fitted for implants (one was
 accidently lost in a shoulder pad), our Imperial Science Staff
 was able to determine that when implants are implemented, the
 humanoid brain dehydrates and is diminished to minimal perfor-
 mance values.  Of course, this might be miscalculation; the Romu-
 lans are not known for their intelligence, thus their brain may
 not be a valid example.  At any rate, the Borg stupidity factor
 is incalculable and is most evident in spelling errors, a desire
 for chocolate pizza (and you thought our food was bad), and gram-
 mar problems.  There is also a tendency toward using all capital
 letters in communications; this is a grievous fault--how is the
 one (or many) to express anger adequately?
   For now, while our resources are low and boredom on this Fede-
 gon dustball in it's most advanced state, the Borg can provide us
 with almost adequate amusement.  We may never have a glorious
 confrontation for the victory shall be too easy for us, but we
 could thank you for the amusement.  Mind you, I said we could.
 Naturally we won't, this is not the way of the Klingon.  Resis-
 tance is futile...Bah!  We look forward to featuring you in our
 Inspirational Theaters, when a laughter shortage consumes us.
 ---For the Empire,  Lt.jg. Korel vestai-Khisek, Klingon Strike
 Force, Under the Earther Guise:  Marnie L. Echols.


==================
 RIHANNSU-BORG PACT
 ==================
 [All Borg were saddened by the breakdown of talks between the Ri-
 hannsu government and the Borg for an non-aggression treaty.  The
 Borg who worked the most on this historic tragedy was Wiggalus of
 Borg, then the ambassador to the Rihannsu Empire.  Currently ser-
 ving on the Rihannsu senate, Wiggalus has been kind enough to
 submit this report.--eds.]

   If you Borg have neglected to monitor the situation on the Ri-
 hannsu board, I will sum up what happened.  I made a proposal to
 their High Council and they cold bloodedly turned it down.  I
 pleaded with them to at least agree on a non-aggression pact and
 they turned it down.  The only Rihannsu who actually showed in-
 terest was Procounsul Vor.  He also got Oxnardus and I on the Ri-
 hannsu High Council as senators.  Unfortunately, Supreme Borg No-
 vellus told us to quit.  I refused and I am glad I did because
 now I have leverage on the council.  Also, I hope you all came to
 the bash as my Council building.  It was a monster party.  Sign-
 ing off.
 ---Wiggalus of Borg (DVFM22B)


==============
 BORG NOSTALGIA
 ==============
 "REMEMBER SPOO?": A WALK DOWN MEMORY LANE
 -----------------------------------------
 [Borg Nostalgia happily reminisces about those past wild and
 wacky hi-jinks on the Borg Prodigy (tm) boards.  This month high-
 lights the word "spoo". -- eds.]

Introduction
 ++++++++++++
   Spoo.  What a word, what a past.  The word "spoo" first
 appeared on the boards in early April.  By late April, there were
 at least four independent spoo subjects and countless more uses
 of the word in a myriad of other postings.  April was truly a
 spoo month.
   Latest research on the origins of the word "spoo" has found
 that a word either sounding like spoo or akin to spoo is commonly
 emitted by the Borg.  Further, scientific research has observed
 that when a Borg's lateral implants reject the information from
 the red-filtered laser ear scanner, it causes an overload mal-
 function.  This overload, in turn can precipitate a memory chip
 to jerk itself into either a retro-time loop or a temporal warp
 bubble.  If the Borg is pulled into the retro-time loop, the Borg
 usually emits the sound "spoo."   Alternatively, if the Borg is
 sucked into a temporal warp bubble, the Borg then emits just
 "oops."
   Although this is a rather rare physical phenomena in our di-
 mension, the recent open assimilation program by the Borg has
 resulted in the borging of a large number of entities who appar-
 ently are susceptible to this retro-time loop problem.
   In honor of Spoo, and its victims, the following review of
 spoo related postings is presented for your reading pleasure.

Spoo Report
 +++++++++++
   "SPOO" WAS UTTERED BY THIS UNIT DURING IMPLANT REACTIVATION
 WHEN ATTEMPTING TO SAY "OOPS".  HOWEVER, OUR MEMORY CORE REVEALS
 THESE USES OF "SPOO" THROUGHOUT HISTORY:
   1992 -- A STRANGE INDIVIDUAL KNOWN AS "ANSON TURNERUS" USES IT
 IN A NOTE ON A COMPUTER NETWORK KNOWN AS "PROGENY."
   2096 -- A VOGON CAPTAIN USES THE EXPRESSION "SPOO LOOG" IN HIS
 CROWNING ACHIEVEMENT, A 678 PAGE POETIC TREATISE ON SUFFERING.
   2164 -- THE U.S.S. SPOO WAS COMPLETED AND DEPLOYED.  UNFORTUN-
 ATELY AN ENSIGN ON ANOTHER VESSEL SAW THE SHIP IN THE REAR-VIEW
 MIRROR, AND SAID "OOPS?" ALOUD.  THE RESULTING PANIC CAUSED THE
 NAVIGATOR TO LOSE CONTROL OF THE SHIP, WHICH COLLIDED WITH THE
 SPOO, DESTROYING THEM BOTH.
   2222 -- NOTHING, BUT IT'S A NICE SYMMETRICAL NUMBER.
   2294 -- "SPOO" IS THE NAME OF THE DOG WHO DEVELOPED THE UNI-
 VERSAL TRANSLATOR.  SADLY, HE WAS RUN OVER BY A CAT DRIVING AN
 ANTIQUE AUTOMOBILE.
 TRANSMISSION COMPLETE.
 ---E PLURIBUS OF BORG (FORMERLY TAGLESS OF BORG) (BGKR92C)

More Spoo
 +++++++++
   ACCORDING TO THIS UNIT'S NEW STANDARD ENCYCLOPEDIA "SPOO"
 COULD BE ON ONE OF THESE ORIGINS.
   1) SPOOR -- FOOTPRINTS, DROPPINGS, OR OTHER TRACES OF A WILD
 ANIMAL.
   2) SPOOF -- TO HOAX OR JOKE.
   3) SPOOK -- TO FRIGHTEN OR ANNOY.
   4) SPOOL -- A CYLINDER WITH A WHOLE AT EITHER END.
   5) SPOON -- A UTENSIL USED ON COOKING OR EATING.
 OR IT COULD BE "THE DROPPINGS FROM A JOKING, ANNOYED, CYLINDER
 WITH A HOLE AT EITHER END WHO IS USED TO COOKING OR EATING."
   YOU BE THE JUDGE.................
 ---TRICIUS OF BORG, your information center (FMDD39B)

Spoo Poll
 +++++++++
 O.K. NEW BORG POLL!!!  AND THE POLL IS....WHAT IS YOUR BIGGEST
 SPOO EVER?
 ---TRIANUS-KUPUS (imitating a Vulcan in poll mode) (DPGX96B)

SPOOTNIK.
 ---Las Larius of Borg (VTKR18D)

Well, it happened one night, after eating ten gallons of extreme-
 ly frisky qagh...
 ---HoD K'Ech (XJRB61B)

MY BIGGEST SPOO WAS FORGETTING TO ASSIMILATE MY BRAND NEW CD
 PLAYER!  GEEZ!  CAN ANYONE MAKE A CASSETTE OF SHEPHERD MOONS BY
 ENYA?  THIS BORG UNIT IS LONELY!  THANX IN ADVANCE :)
 ---Magister Borgae (MJCV74C)

MY BIGGEST SPOO WAS WHEN I KNUGGED ALL OVER MY MAIN CONSOLE...AND
 THEN I GOT DRUNK ON PENZOIL AND KNUGGED ALL OVER MY LITTLE PET
 CHIHUAHUA, GROBBY.  I WAS SO DRUNK, AH, MAN, I SHOULDN'T HAVE
 EVEN BEEN AT THE SQUARE OF MY CUBE.  I WAS SO DRUNK I DESTROYED
 THE ENTIRE FED GALAE.  YOU ALL SAW "THE BEST OF BOTH WORLDS"?
 THAT WAS MY BIGGEST SPOO.
 ---KHELLIUS OF BORG, AND HIS SLIMY CHIHUAHUA GROBBY, CRYING.
 (BMXW82D)


===================
 FROM THE FEDERATION
 ===================
 The following communication was intercepted from a Federation
 transmission.

THE ORIGIN OF THE BORG
 ----------------------
   Most members of the federation believe that the Borg are the
 result of a natural evolution in cybernetics research on their
 home planet.  I have done extensive research on the subject and
 have determined that the following is in fact the true origin of
 the Borg.  On Earth personal computers were first mass marketed
 during the 1970's.  This freedom was unfortunately abused by some
 of the hackers who first bought them.  In 1978 an obscure hacker
 named Arnold Borgus wrote a computer virus.  He had heard about a
 couple of other virus's that had time delay features built in.
 Arnold wanted to write the best of all virus's (and wanted to
 make sure he would not get in trouble for it) and thus set his to
 activate in the year 2130.  Until that time, it would simply copy
 itself from computer to computer.
   In the year 2060 a deep space probe was launched.  It contain-
 ed a goodwill message, a CD of old Chastity Bono songs, and the
 borgus virus.  The virus was discovered on earth in 2075 and was
 eradicated from all Earth computers.  The probe sped on.
   In 2130, as planned, the virus suddenly activated.  At about
 the same time, it fell into an old wormhole.  As the other end of
 the worm hole had been moving at 99.99999999783% of the speed of
 light for the last few thousand years, the probe suddenly found
 itself far away and long ago.  The virus wildly broadcast copies
 of itself over a variety of radio frequencies.  An alien girl was
 listening to her favorite musical group "the Pizza Heads" (thus
 the Borg craving for Pizza) on her new combination walkman and
 orthodontic head gear.  The virus replicated itself onto the
 playback tape of her orthodontia.  That night as she slept, the
 music (now containing the subliminal virus) assimilated her con-
 sciousness.  When she awoke, she had a new purpose in life, to
 assimilate all other life forms and to eat lots of pizza.
 --Markus, Galactic Historian (Mark Petrich - HDKT49A)


=============
 POETRY CORNER
 =============
 WE'RE YOUR FRIENDS INDEED
 your friends indeed
 AND A FRIEND IN NEED
 IS A FRIEND INDEED
 WE'RE YOUR BUDDIES, YOUR PALS
 SO REMEMBER THIS OLD GAL
 IF YOU'RE ALIVE OR IN THE MORGUE
 DON'T FORGET THAT WE'RE THE BORG
 WE'LL FIX YOU WELL
 AND WHILE WE'RE AT IT
 WHAT THE HELL
 WE'LL TURN YOU INTO ONE OF US
 AND THROW A PARTY JUST BECAUSE
 WE'RE YOUR FRIENDS INDEED
 AND IF YOU'RE EVER IN NEED
 WE'LL BE HERE FOR YOU
 BECAUSE MORE THAN LIKELY
 IT'S JUST A LOOSE SCREW!
 SO PARTY ON
 MY JOLLY FRIENDS
 CAUSE FUN WITH THE BORG
 JUST NEVER ENDS!
 ---Tricius of Borg (FMDD39B)


==========
 BORG TALES
 ==========
 A Serial
 Part 1

"First Encounter"
 -----------------
   I had been a solo trader in the Gamma Tetrazine system for
 several years.  Most of the time I dealt on the legal side but
 occasionally someone made me an offer I could not refuse.  I
 would make some extra credits and the local government didn't
 mind if their coffers were kept adequately full.  During one such
 episode, an Andoran kubrat trader wanted some hot merchandise de-
 livered to one Daimon Tarnan, a provincial ferengi representative
 assigned to the territory.  He was familiar in the greater Laxis
 Cluster as a good fence for questionable goods.  The pay was not
 good, but business had been slow.  I took the job against my bet-
 ter judgment.
   I was cruising at Warp 2 just outside the Turnblat Sector when
 my reactor core started to flip-flop.  I attempted to adjust the
 fuel mixture by a manual override but it was unsuccessful.  I
 came out of warp near Turnblat 3, a boring Class N planet which
 was originally uninhabited but lately was used for recreational
 water sports.  I had been in these parts a few times previously,
 but I was not prepared for what was waiting for me.
   There was a huge, and I mean huge, cube-shaped object about
 1,500 kilometers to my port side.  I was intrigued.  As I got
 closer to the cube I realized it was about the size of a small
 planetoid.  At 100 kilometers my sensors told me there was writ-
 ing on the cube.  By 50 kilometers, I could read it from my main
 viewing screen.  It boldly stated in letters 20 meters high in
 Standard Federation English, "Jiffy Cube."
   Jiffy Cube?  What's a Jiffy Cube?  I was puzzled.  I circled
 the massive cube-shaped structure cautiously.
   I ran another scan on the object.  Although my ship, the Beta
 Queen, was for all purposes a hunk of junk, I never scrimped on
 scanners.  I deducted the cost as a business expense on my taxes,
 so I could afford a mid-range mass market model.  I switched on
 my Montgomery Wards XB-7 Scanner and directed the computer to
 output the results to a hard copy.  I never liked talking com-
 puters so I specifically outfitted the Beta Queen with a non-
 talking model.  The read-out was most interesting.
   The "Jiffy Cube" was 75.45 kilometers high and 75.45 kilomet-
 ers wide, with a depth of 75.45 kilometers.  A true square, if I
 had ever seen one.  The outside was pockmarked with tubing,
 wires, exposed machinery, and insulation periodically interrupted
 by enormous openings of docking areas, which themselves were
 cube-shaped.  Very peculiar, I remember thinking.  Further, the
 object was emitting billions of gigawats of power.  I made a men-
 tal note to be sure to keep my sneakers on just in case my ship
 came too close and absorbed the current.  I hated it when the
 ship gave me a shock.  I once had to wear the same asinine hairdo
 for months because of a big shock I got while flying by the
 Brixson-Hicks Pulsar.  However, I can't complain.  Bad insulation
 problems are endemic when one chooses to fly a Yugo Spacecrusier
 LX.
   I had just decided that getting the heck out of there would be
 a good idea when the cube hailed me.  Yes, that monstrous thing
 sent me a personal message.  I instructed the computer to con-
 nect.  A very metallic voice boomed over my Montgomery Wards quad
 speakers (purchased with birthday money from mom and dad a few
 years ago), saying, "We are the Jiffy Cube.  Your cube will be
 serviced.  Resistance is Futile."
   Before I could even acknowledge the rude message, a tractor
 beam locked on to the Beta Queen and began to pull the ship and
 me into an especially sinister looking hanger.  I tried to break
 free but all my attempts were useless.  All I could do was just
 sit there and await my fate with "Jiffy Cube".

Next installment:  Part 2:  An Involuntary Oil Change (ouch!)


================
 BORG FILMOGRAPHY
 ================
 "Q Who?".
   Original airdate: 05/05/89.  Written by Maurice Hurley.
 Directed by Rob Bowman.  GUESTS:  John de Lancie (Q), Lycia
 Naff (Ensign Sonya Gomez), Colm Meaney (Chief O'Brien),    Whoopi
 Goldberg (Guinan).
   PLOT:  Q returns by having Picard walk from the turbo-lift
 into a shuttlecraft far away from the Enterprise. Taunting
 Picard about humanity's complacency, Q transports the ship
 to a far section of the galaxy.  Here the crew encounter the
 cybernetic Borg, who methodically begin to take apart the
 Enterprise.  Unable to defeat the collective race of hive
 critters, Picard reluctantly tells Q that he's learned his
 lesson and asks him to transport the ship back home before
 it's obliterated.  Q complies.

"The Best of Both Worlds, Part I".
   Original airdate: 06/27/90. Written by Michael Piller.
 Directed by Cliff Bole.  GUESTS: Elizabeth Dennehy (Shelby),
 George Murdock (Admiral Hanson), Whoopi Goldberg (Guinan).
   PLOT: Borg expert Shelby plans to be first officer of the
 Enterprise whether or not Riker decides to take the captaincy of
 the Melbourne.  Meanwhile, the Borg destroy the colony of Jure 4.
 The crew engage the Borg only to have Picard captured by them.
 They make him into their spokesmodel (like in Star Search) and he
 takes the name Locutus. Locutus states his intention to conquer
 Earth.  After an unsuccessful attempt at rescue, Geordi
 jerry-rigs the deflector shields into a mega-weapon and Riker
 must give the order to use it against the Borg ship with Picard
 still aboard.

"The Best of Both Worlds, Part II".
   Original airdate:  09/24/90.  Written by Michael Piller.
 Directed by Cliff Bole.  GUESTS: Elizabeth Dennehy (Shelby),
 George Murdock (Admiral Hanson), Whoopi Goldberg (Guinan).
   PLOT:  The jerry-rigged deflectors do nothing to stop the Borg
 on their joy-ride to Earth.  On their way, the Borg destroy 48
 starships (pretty good for one day's spin).  In the solar system
 (yes, OUR solar system--you see a shot of a Cube zooming past
 Saturn), the Enterprise again engages the Borg and this time they
 rescue Picard/Locutus.  On the Enterprise Data accesses Picard's
 mind and plants a suggestion in the Borg collective consciousness
 that it is time for them to lambada (just kidding, actually Data
 tells them to regenerate). This results in the Borg all falling
 to sleep and then self-destructing (don't ask me why).  Dr.
 Crusher is successful in removing Picard's Borg parts, although
 the experience leaves a bad taste in Picard's mouth.

"I, Borg".
   This is a Borg episode scheduled to be shown the week of the
 10th of May, 1992.  It is rumored that in this episode the Borg
 will be dealt a final blow and that they will never return to
 harass the Federation.  Sad news, indeed.


=================
 EDITORIAL NOTICES
 =================
 The Borg Club is present on commercial national bulletin board
 services and on many amateur bulletin board networks and local
 areas.

=================
 COPYRIGHT NOTICES
 =================
 "RIF" acknowledges that Paramount Pictures and its various
 subsidiaries as having the sole rights to the Star Trek
 trademark. "RIF" has no intention to infringe upon that copyright
 or earn profit from this publication. It is distributed free of
 charge. "RIF" also acknowledges the Prodigy Services, General
 Electric, and NVN copyrights. This newsletter may be distributed
 by anyone if kept intact and not altered in anyway. Consider it
 shareware publishing! Resistance is Futile, copyright (c) 1992,
 1993 by RIF BBS

============================
 BACK ISSUES OF RIF AVAILABLE
 ============================
 Missing an issue? Used your RIF for a place mat or coaster one
 time too many? Just send a self-addressed stamped ($.52) business
 sized envelope to RIF BBS, P.O. Box 7822, Onxard, CA 93031 and
 that abused issue will be replaced. Please indicate which issue
 you desire.  All back issues are available!

=========================
 ADDRESSES OF CONTRIBUTORS
 =========================
 E PLURIBUS (FORMERLY TAGLESS OF BORG) (BGKR92C)
 HoD K'Ech (XJRB61B)
 KHELLIUS (BMXW82D)
 Las Larius (VTKR18D)
 Lt.jg. Korel vestai-Khisek (XJRB61B)
 Magister Borgae (MJCV74C)
 Markus (HDKT49A)
 OXNARDUS OF BORG (HCMH17A)
 SUPREME BORG NOVELLUS (GMDH77A)
 TRIANUS-KUPUS (DPGX96B)
 TRICIUS OF BORG (FMDD39B)
 Wiggalus of Borg (DVFM22B)


                      RESISTANCE IS FUTILE
                  Reprint Issue for Downloading
 [The following newsletter is a special reprint created especially
 for distribution over BBS systems. RIF is the newsletter of the
 "Borg Club", an organization originally only located on the
 Prodigy Network Service from February  1992 to April 1993. It
 expanded into the GEnie Network in May 1993, the NVN Network in
 June 1993, and into various other BBSes and networks from July
 1993. WARNING: The first seven issues of RIF were assumed to be
 read by Prodigy members. All IDs are Prodigy IDs. Many of the
 references are made to Prodigy idiosyncracies.]




        _____________       ____________      ____________
     * / R            \   */             \  */             \
    * |  E  ______    |   *\____     ____/  *|     ________/
    * |  S |******|   |    ****|     |***   *| F  |********
    * |  I |     *|   |       *|     |      *| U  |____
    * |  S ~~~~~~~  /         *|  I  |      *| T       \
    * |  T  ____    \         *|  S  |      *| I   ____/
    * |  A |*** \    \        *|     |      *| L  |***
    * |  N |    * \    \   ___*|     |____  *| E  |
    * |  C |      * \    \/               \ *|    |
    * \__E_/        * \___/______________/  *\____/
      *****          **** **************     *****
                          P.O. Box 7822
                        Oxnard, CA 93031

THE OFFICIAL ORGAN OF THE GALACTIC BORG CONSCIOUSNESS
 ISSUE NUMBER 2
 June 1992

RESISTANCE IS FUTILE ("RIF") is published and edited by Oxnardus
 and Ripley for distribution on various national electronic
 services and local electronic BBS echos. Address listings,
 copyright notices, editorial notices, and information on back
 issues are printed at the end of this newsletter. All
 correspondence should be sent by e-mail to Oxnardus or Ripley
 (addresses given at end of newsletter) or mailed to "Resistance
 is Futile", P.O. Box 7822, Oxnard, CA 93031.

=========
 CONTENTS
 =========
 Guest Publisher: Neil Austin
 Messages from the Big Cahuna: Borgs Through History
 Borgs Through History Update
 FBI Records on Cubebuster Video Released
 From and To the Federation
 Advertisement: CubeBuster Video
 Borg Tales, Part 2: "Involuntary Oil Change (Ouch)"
 The Borg Manual of Routine Diagnostic and Repair Maintenance
 How We Became Borg: "THE BORG INCIDENT"
 Borg Polls
 Borg Costumes and Models
 SECRET POLICE LOG OF ALARMS AND JUNK FOOD VIOLATIONS
 Borg Ag Report
 Borg Filler
 Borg Filmography: "I Borg"
 Editorial Notices
 Copyright Notices
 Back issues of RIF available
 Addresses of contributors

====================================================
 GUEST PUBLISHER: NEIL AUSTIN (aka Falcon Parakeetus)
 ====================================================
   This 2nd boffo issue of "Resistance is Futile" begins what
 many (well, the editors, mostly) hope will start a Grand Borg
 Tradition:  The Guest Publisher.  The Guest Publisher, out of
 pure altruistic motives, receives the final proof of the R.I.F.
 issue and, on his or her OWN TIME and OWN NICKEL, produces the
 copies of R.I.F. and mails them to all the Borg currently entered
 in the Big Book of Borg.
   This one, kind, philanthropic act by Falcon Parakeetus made
 this 2nd boffo issue possible.  So, please, all Borg reading
 this, flash your little red lights for . . . NEIL AUSTIN, GUEST
 PUBLISHER.  For if it weren't for this generous soul, you would
 not be integrating this newsletter into your central processing
 units so quickly after the ground breaking R.I.F. #1.
   ALL HAIL FALCON PARAKEETUS! The policy on assimilating
 parakeets paid off big time.


============================
 MESSAGES FROM THE BIG CAHUNA
 ============================
 [Each issue endeavors to present postings from the Supreme Borg
 Novellus.  For this issue we have chosen a very important report
 on declassified information.  --eds.]

Borgs Through History
 ---------------------
   BECAUSE OF THE PERSISTENT RUMORS OF THE IMMINENT DEMISE OF OUR
 BRETHREN IN THE FEDERATION SECTOR, MILKY WAY GALAXY, THIS COMMAND
 UNIT HAS DECIDED TO DECLASSIFY CERTAIN DOCUMENTS DETAILING THE
 EXTENSIVE-CLANDESTINE-UNDERCOVER-SUBVERSIVE COVERT OPERATIONS
 LONG UNDERWAY IN THE SOL SECTOR.

DOCUMENT 1
 ++++++++++
 PRE-21ST CENTURY DEEP-COVER SLEEPER AGENTS
 1.   VICTOR BORGE, MUSICIAN.
 2.   BJORN BORG, ATHLETE.
 3.   ROBERT BOR(G)K, HIGH JUDICIAL PUBLIC SERVANT.
 4.   CESAR BORGIA, SON OF POPE ALEXANDER VI, A 15TH CENTURY
     RELIGIOUS CLERIC.
 5.   HUMPHREY BO(R)GART. EARLY 20TH CENTURY 2-DIMENSIONAL
     PROJECTED CELLULOID MEDIA THESPIAN.
 6.   ERIC BO(R)GOSIAN, PERFORMANCE ARTIST AND COMEDIAN.
 7.   AL-SIMILATION HAIG, POLITICIAN AND MILITARY HARDLINER.
 8.   GARY BORGHOFF (BURGHOFF), RADAR ON T.V'S M.A.S.H.
 9.   ERNEST BORGNINE, MCHALES NAVY, AIRWOLF, LOTS OF BAD TWENTI-
     ETH CENTURY ACTION ADVENTURE MOVIES. FATHER, ERNEST BORG-
     EIGHT; SON, ERNEST BORGTEN.
 10.  BOBBY BORGNILLA, OVERPAID LATE 20TH CENT. PARTICIPANT IN
     SPORT RELATING TO SWINGING A CARVED POLY-CYLINDRICAL EXPIRED
     ORGANIC WASTE PRODUCT AT A SMALL SPHEROID COVERED WITH DE-
     CEASED BOVINE EPIDERMAL TISSUE REMAINS.
 11.  DAVID BOR-GURION (BEN-GURION), FIRST LEADER OF A SMALL
     BORG-LIKE NATION. VERY ADMIRABLE.
 12.  STANLEY CUBERICK (KUBRICK). VISIONARY BORG AGENT WHO FACI-
     LITATED FURTHER ASSIMILATIONS BY PRODUCING TWO DIMENSIONAL
     CELLULOID PRODUCTIONS, ABOUT THE ADVENTURES OF A MISUNDER-
     STOOD AND MUCH ABUSED BORG-LIKE ARTIFICIAL INTELLIGENCE
     UNIT.
 13.  BO(RG) DIDDLEY. ALMOST AS GOOD A GUITARIST AS JIMI HENDRIX.
 14.  MIKHAIL BORGACHEV. LEADER OF A FAILED BORG PLOT TO TAKE OVER
     THE PLANET TERRA. IN THE END, HE TURNED THE SITUATION TO THE
     BORG'S ADVANTAGE BY PRETENDING TO HAVE BEEN A REFORMER ALL
     ALONG.
 15-16.  SONNY BORGO AND CLINT EASTBORG, ENTERTAINERS/MAYORS.

FURTHER SECRET DOCUMENTS WILL BE RELEASED AT A LATER UNDETERMINED
 TIME.
 --Supreme Borg Novellus


============================
 BORGS THROUGH HISTORY UPDATE
 ============================
 AND THE LIST GOES ON, OH SUPREME ONE!
 17) JORGE LUIS BORGES; AN ARGENTINE AUTHOR CONSIDERED THE
    FOREMOST FIGURE IN SPANISH-AMERICAN LITERATURE.
 18) BORGHESE; AN ITALIAN NOBLE FAMILY PROMINENT IN ROME.
 19) BORGIA;  AN ITALIAN-SPANISH NOBLE FAMILY POWERFUL IN THE
    15TH AND EARLY 16TH CENTURIES.
 20) LIZZIE BORGDON;  SHE TOOK AN AX AND GAVE HER PARENTS FORTY
    WHACKS. AN OBVIOUSLY MALFUNCTIONED UNIT.
 ---TRICIUS OF BORG\BETA


========================================
 FBI RECORDS ON CUBEBUSTER VIDEO RELEASED
 ========================================
   (UPI-Washington, D.C.).  In a surprising move today, the
 F.B.I. admitted that it operated a sting operation against
 members of the Borg Club.   The sting consisted up setting up a
 fake video rental store called "Cubebuster Video No. 1".  A Borg,
 known only by the name Oxnardus, was enlisted by the FBI for this
 sting.  Oxnardus was reported to have assisted the FBI due to
 high pizza and cola debts.
   The FBI further stated that it was going to cease the
 operation because nothing was uncovered except some exciting new
 videos to rent.  Oxnardus stated that Cubebuster Videos would
 remain open since it turned a pretty good profit.
   At the end of the conference the FBI released the following
 titles that were rented to specific Borg Units.  "Resistance is
 Futile" is publishing a partial list as a Borg public service.
   WIGGALUS OF BORG: Borg in the Hood; Robin Borg: Prince of
 Thieves; Termiborger 2.
   LAS LARIUS OF BORG: The Bathroom Scale That Ate the
 Federation.
   TRICIUS OF BORG: The Jungle Borg; Spies Like Us (requested for
 Wiggalus); Beauty and the Borg; Data Does Dallas.
   CHATSWORTHUS OF BORG: Rockaborgle, from Don Borg; anything
 with Victor Borg in it; Casaborga, with Humphrey Borgart. Music
 video: "Borg in the USA" Bruce Springborg.
   MAN OF BORG: Borgy Horror.
   MARIANUS OF BORG: Borg Durham; Total Reassimilation; The
 Princess Borg.
   KHELLIUS OF BORG: Music video: "We're Too Borgy" Right Said
 Borg; Nature Documentary on Klingons [a description of this video
 will be found in the Cubebuster Video #1 ad, this issue --eds.]
   CLUELESS OF BORG: Borg on the 4th of July; Borg Free; Borg on
 the River Kwai; Borgy and Bess; Through a Borg Darkly [directed
 by Ingmar Borgman -eds.]; Marty, with Ernest Borgnine.
   TONYCIUS OF BORG: Borg Instinct.
   SWANNOX OF BORG: The Last Borg Scout; Borgs in the Cube;
 Beauty and the Borg.
   Some non-Borg were caught renting videos from forged, borrowed
 or stolen membership cards.  They were:
   AMBASSADOR RANDICUS OF STC (human): 101 Cubations; The
 Assimilated Mermaid; Star Borgs; The Empire Borgs Back; Return of
 the Borg.
   PDQ (Q): Borgie Does Dallas [this Q was carded and was not
 allowed to rent this video --eds.]; General Borg vs. the Ferengi;
 A Borg Too Far.
   SUPERMAN (Q): SuperQ.
   WEEBLE (tribble): Borg in East LA; Risky Borgness; Bruborger;
 Borg Games; Borgie, Come Home; Borgie and the Red Baron; Teenage
 Mutant Ninja Borg; Borgbusters; Borgs; Borgs II (The Devils Down
 Under); Borgs III ( The Evil Ones Return).

==========================
 FROM AND TO THE FEDERATION
 ==========================
 The following communication was intercepted from a Federation
 transmission.

I have been doing some extensive research on the Borg.  It seems
 that the kernel of their operating system was written on a
 Commodore Pet computer on Earth back in the 20th century. The Pet
 had reverse ASCII.  As a result, all of their lower case letters
 are transposed to upper case when they transmit to P* computer
 which uses standard ASCII.  As far as not using the shift key,
 they don't use keyboards, but merely transmit directly via
 cellular modem.  It appears that some of them are able to run
 translation programs when desired, but the process requires
 approximately 3 times as long as normal transmission.  Being the
 efficient entities they are, they seldom do this.  Hope this
 clear up a few things.
 --Markus, Galactic Historian

The following communication was intercepted from a transmission
 to the Federation.

DON'T DO IT!  Don't take its hand in peace!  If the Borg get your
 home address they will send many orders of Chinese food, for
 which YOU will need to pay.  They will make prank phone calls
 during the night ("Is your life-support system running?  Then you
 had better catch it! Ha Ha!" click). They have been known to TP
 entire satellite systems.  You are warned.
 --Lord Kaar

=============
 ADVERTISEMENT
 =============
 TIRED OF ASSIMILATING THE MASSES?  TIRED OF CONVERTING ENTIRE
 SOLAR SYSTEMS TO RUBBLE?  THEN IT'S TIME TO COME ON DOWN TO
 __CUBEBUSTER__ VIDEO AND REVIEW OUR BILLIONS AND BILLIONS OF
 VIDEOS AVAILABLE FOR IMMEDIATE RENTAL!!!

WE ALWAYS HAVE SPECIALS!!!  OUR JUNE SPECIAL IS RENT FOUR HUNDRED
 VIDEOS AND GET ONE FREE!

ONLY AT __CUBEBUSTER VIDEO #1__, LOCATED NEAR THE PROXIMA
 CENTAURI OFF RAMP IN THE OBLONG SYSTEM.

NEW RELEASE:  "KLINGON HOME PLANET EXPEDITION", the latest nature
 documentary from Khellius of Borg: 'Here we see the galaxy's most
 primitive species, a Klingon. Note the strangely puzzled look on
 the face as he realizes I am using a microphone, not foraging for
 berries as he is. He's approaching the holocorder...AAAG!' CAN'T
 MISS THIS ONE--WE ORDERED THREE ZILLION SO WE WOULDN'T RUN
 OUT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

==========
 BORG TALES
 ==========
 A Serial
 Part 2

"Involuntary Oil Change (Ouch)"
 -------------------------------
   As the tractor beam pulled the Beta Queen closer to the larger
 than life cube, I was blinded by the brilliancy of the flashing
 "Jiffy Cube" sign.  I kicked myself several times thinking about
 how stupid it was to have gotten myself into this situation.  I
 started to panic.  I ran around the Beta Queen like a crazed
 Denebian slimedevil.  An idea came to me.  I initiated the
 process for releasing cargo. This would change the weight of the
 ship and allow me to momentarily upset the tractor beam.  Just
 one second would do it, I thought, then I could scoot under the
 beam and speed away.  My warp drive was out but the impulse power
 was up.
   However, my rough calculations were wrong. My Yugo
 Spacecruiser LX only weighed 1500 lbs to begin with.  My cargo
 weight released was insignificant.  My attempt was hopeless. I
 needed a different approach.
   I ran over to my computer terminal and began to wildly input
 commands.  I wanted to create a torque imbalance which would
 cause the Beta Queen to bounce off the tractor beam and gain a
 pick up from the residuary waves (I had seen it done in Lethal
 Weapon DCLVII).  I continued to input furiously, but all the
 computer would output was pizza recipes.  And very peculiar ones,
 at that.
   Suddenly, the most amazing thing beamed aboard the Beta Queen.
 It was a humanoid wearing a black leather jumpsuit with crucial
 parts missing.  I was not impressed by it's fashion-sense.  The
 missing parts of the jumpsuit exposed wiring, metal components,
 and exposed circuitry.  It obviously never rained where this guy
 came from.  There was what appeared to be a battery pack attached
 to its face with a little red beam of light emanating from it.
   I approached my guest, but it ignored me and waddled over to
 my computer terminal.  It made several whirling noises and
 appeared to interface with the terminal.  Suddenly the creature
 began to cough and sputter.  Obviously the cyborg was not
 familiar with low-end computers.  Upon recovery, the cyborg
 turned toward me and I noticed it had a motorized pincer instead
 of a right hand.  It must be left-handed, I deduced.
   "Who are you?" I demanded.
   The creature just belched and disappeared.  Where it had been
 only moments before was a very soggy pamphlet and an envelope.  I
 went over and examined the documents.  The pamphlet was soaked
 through with what appeared to be cola.  Typed across the surface
 page was the words, "You and Assimilation, the 25 Most Asked
 Questions Answered".  I opened the envelope, which to my relief
 was cola-proof, and pulled out a very long document.  It had red
 smudges all over it.  I was horrified, thinking it was blood.  On
 closer inspection, however, I determined it was tomato paste.
  The form consisted of what looked like thousands of words in a
 very small micro print, except for what was written across the
 very top of the form.  It boldly stated in a very large pica,
 "VOLUNTARY ASSIMILATION AGREEMENT - LONG FORM".  At the bottom
 was an equally large "SIGN HERE".
   The truth finally dawned on me.  I had come across a group of
 rogue Borg.  I had heard about this off-shoot of the Borg.  They
 had a reputation for hard partying, practical jokes, and
 obnoxious behavior.  As the seriousness of my situation
 reverberated through my every fiber, I prepared myself for an
 nvoluntary oil change I would never forget (ouch!).

Next installment:  Part 3:  "The Assimilation Blues"


============================================================
 THE BORG MANUAL OF ROUTINE DIAGNOSTIC AND REPAIR MAINTENANCE
 ============================================================
 by Marianus of Borg
   Most Borg implants are guaranteed for the life of the host
 body. The maintenance on the implants are minor. All questions on
 body functioning that are not addressed here must be voiced to
 the medical lab.

VIDEO
 -----
   The video enhancement implant is attached to the biological
 host by way of the optic nerve. Impulses are received and
 processed at one millionth the time a normal image would be
 received. It is the units job to keep the lens clean and free of
 any material that may prevent the sightings of possible barbecue
 opportunities. Lens cleaner and soft towels will do the job
 nicely and are available at any corner Jiffy Cube.

AUDIO
 -----
   The audio enhancement implant works much the same as the video
 implant. It is attached to the host's tympanic membrane
 (eardrum). The unit should not place objects into the opening as
 it would prevent the host from enjoying the sounds of his meal
 being devoured or a ferengi being disintegrated.

POWER DISTRIBUTION LOGIC SYSTEMS
 --------------------------------
   These are the systems that fail most often. New software will
 soon be available but until then, the following steps must be
 taken:

   (1) MEMORY LOSS.
   ++++++++++++++++
 If any unit notices any memory loss (such as forgetting where the
 refrigerator is), it should adjust it's main memory button
 (located by the host's navel) one-quarter of a turn.

   (2) FITS OF ANGER OR THE NEED TO INSULT SOMEONE.
   ++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
 These are normal functions and should not be taken seriously. Go
 back to bed and the feeling will pass.

   (3) THE LOSS OF CAPS.
   +++++++++++++++++++++
 This is an indication of a major system failure and should be
 reported immediately to your superior. Some units do have
 software, however, that will allow them to slip out of caps for
 covert operations. Consult your manual.

ARM UTILITY MODULE
 ------------------
 This allows the unit to adapt it's arm to suit any need. The
 following is a list of common adaptations available now:

   (1) KNIFE, FORK, SPOON.
   +++++++++++++++++++++++
 This is the most useful adaptation that any Borg can own. If you
 do not know why, see #1 of the above section.

   (2) BARBECUE EQUIPMENT.
   +++++++++++++++++++++++
 This includes such useful tools as the grill cleaner, spatula,
 and lighter fluid access port.

   (3) DAILY HYGIENE ATTACHMENT.
   +++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
 A must if you want to be invited to all the best parties. (Beard
 attachment is available but at an extra charge).

   (4) A SIMULATED HOST HAND.
   ++++++++++++++++++++++++++
 This is available only in select areas at this time. It will
 allow the unit to use a fully-functional, life-like hand in the
 same way it's biological one worked. It is best used in poker
 games.


==================
 HOW WE BECAME BORG
 ==================
 [This series explores the million and one stories out there of
 how our Borg brothers and sisters became one with the galactic
 Borg consciousness]

"THE BORG INCIDENT"
 -------------------
   Come, sit here by the fire in my cube and I'll tell you the
 short story of a ship, it's crew, and their last great battle of
 which I alone survived.
   Our Captain "The Cap", Tickedoff--the science officer, Gordy
 in engineering, and myself, were on a mission on board our ship,
 the USS CHEVY CITATION, to deliver 2.5 million Milky Way ice
 cream bars to the Derbygolfer sector, when we encountered one BIG
 square shaped starship.  The bass on their Pioneer stereo system
 was turned up and the place was obviously in full party mode.
   When the first communication from the ship came in, it filled
 the Chevy with resounding echoes of something called, "I'm Henry
 the 8th, I am. Henry the 8th I am I am..."
   "RESISTANCE IS FUTILE! SURRENDER IS IRRELEVANT!  DO YOU HAVE
 PIZZA?" said a booming mechanical voice above them music.
   "I sense massive hunger," I said to The Cap, "Perhaps we
 should set all replicators on pizza and give them the Milky
 Ways." He was busy exploring his nostrils with his index finger
 and seemed not to hear me.
   Only the sudden jolt of the ship woke him from his reverie.
   "The ship has fallen victim to a tractor beam," said
 Tickedoff.
   The Cap yawned and then said, "Full speed reverse, please."
   The whine of the engines was deafening as we tried to break
 free. Then the ship and my chest gave a heave and the muffler
 fell off (the ship's, not mine). A huge oil slick began forming
 in space and was sticking to our front windshield in globs.
   "Do you sense anything more?" the Cap asked, turning to me.
   "Just an overwhelming need to party," I replied, "and a rather
 large ego with very small brain waves emitting somewhere in your
 direction."
   By this time the Chevy was shaking so bad that we all sounded
 like Earth chipmunks.  "Fire those torpedo thingies," said the
 Cap.
   Tickedoff reached over his console, pushed the red button, and
 the windshield wipers came on.
   "Good shot, Tickedoff!" I said, "That oughta scare 'em."
   The Captain's Federation course-by-mail certificates began
 falling off the walls as the ship began it's final throws of
 death.  "She can't take much more of this, Captain," said Gordy
 from somewhere in the room, near the engineering corner.  The Cap
 loped over to the stick shift and, grinding the ships gears,
 pushed it back into drive.
   We hit the giant cube right in the landing bay, throwing
 hidden "Ferengi Playmate of the Year" issues all over the floor.
 The last fluttering magazine had just landed on the Cap's head
 when we heard the loud BOOM, THUD, BOOM, THUD of someone coming.
 Someone BIG.
   Then came an earsplitting screech of tearing metal and a
 rather large Borg tore open the door and stepped inside.
 "Resistance is futile!" he said again.
   I melted into his arms and said, "Thank you for saving me from
 my drab existence. Take me away, I am prepared to party at last!"
   While the others were carted off as edibles, I was treated to
 some cosmetic surgery courtesy of Supreme Borg Novellus and
 Oxnardus the welcome wagon.  And that, in brief, is how I became
 a Borg.
   Well, it is time to regenerate.  I've enjoyed chatting with
 you all and I (I should say "We") hope you will come back and
 share your stories too.  And remember, NO EATING ALL THE COOKIES
 WHILE I'M GONE!
 ---Tricius of Borg\Betazed, Supreme Administrator of the Borg
 ecret Police, Professoress of Deep Thought, Not the holder of a
 sacred chalice, but I do have a holey bucket!


=========
 BORG POLL
 =========
 THIS UNIT WOULD LIKE TO INQUIRE ABOUT THE SOLAR YEARS OF OTHER
 BORG UNITS. IT WOULD BE INTERESTING TO KNOW THE AVERAGE AGE OF
 THE COLLECTIVE.
 ---Marianus of Borg, 27Solar

HEY! DOES THIS MEAN THAT WE FIGURE THE AVERAGE AGE, EVERYONE WILL
 THEN ASSUME THAT AGE, AND  CELEBRATE THEIR BIRTHDAYS TOGETHER ON
 THE SAME DAY?
 ---Tricius of Borg, 30Solar

WHILE THIS COMMAND UNIT IS SEVERAL THOUSAND YEARS OLD
 CHRONOLOGICALLY, IT INHABITS THE BODY OF A 22 YEAR OLD MALE
 HUMANOID.
 ---SUPREME BORG NOVELLUS

SHADOWFAX OF BORG CURRENTLY ASSUMES A MALE BODY OF 16 YEARS OF
 AGE UNTIL ASSIMILATION CAN BE FULLY ACHIEVED.
 ---Shadowfax of Borg

In the dark ages if someone asked a women's age their tongue
 would be cut out....Then they  discovered.......? (I'll let your
 imagination finish that).
 ---Weeble the Tribble, 27 solar (ancient for a tribble)

This is my age group, I can't believe it!!!!!!!  Alright then,
 how do I get in the BORG book.
 ---Man of Borg, 27

The cat wishes to give you this info: KITTIUS OF BORG 7SOLAR
 (this is in Human terms). She's only one cat year old, you know.
 The Klingon will finally make her age know to all, also.
 ---HoD K'Ech, 14Solar

This unit, as has been previously posted, has attained 50
 revolutions around Sol, so it probably qualifies as the second
 oldest unit (second ONLY to Supreme Borg Novellus, of course).
 This unit also "resents" any implication that it is a "dirty old
 Borg." This unit is only as old as it feels, so SCRATCH THAT
 "OLD" PART!!!!
 ---Chatsworthus of Borg

IF THE AVERAGE AGE OF ALL THE BORG UNITS IS OVER 21, DOES THAT
 MEAN I CAN DRINK LEGALLY?
 ---Hartius of Borg, 19Solar

THIS UNIT HAS FINALLY FREED ITSELF FROM IT'S WALL UNIT AND HAS
 BEEN LABORIOUSLY CLEANSING IT'S LATERAL IMPLANTS FROM COLA-GOO.
 THIS UNIT HAS OBVIOUSLY MISSED OUT ON MUCH FRIVOLITY OF LATE.  WE
 ARE READY TO PARTY. BUT WHO IS THIS PATTY DUKE? DOES IT PARTY?
 OKAY, BY THE WAY, THIS BODY THE COLLECTIVE INHABITS IS 33 SOLAR
 YEARS OLD.  OUR KNEES HURT.
 --Clueless of Borg

rare appearance by khellius of borg.  i have fourteen solar
 revolutions.  i enjoy messing with averages. (insert maniacal
 laughter)
 ---khellius of borg

OKAY, THIS IS FRACLICUTUS (wanna-be) OF BORG, THIS UNIT HAS
 DETACHED ITSELF FROM UNIFIED VEHICULAR MOUNT #79-O98, AND IS NOW
 ATTEMPTING VERBALLY ASSIMILATE... OH OH, IT'S ALMOST TIME TO
 WITNESS WHAT THE FEDERATION THINKS IS THE FINAL DESTRUCTION OF
 THE CENTRAL PROCESSING UNITS OF PRIMUS BORG...OH CRAP!!...THIS
 UNIT HAS MADE ONLY 25 SOL REVOLUTIONS...
 ---Fraclictus of Borg

THIS UNIT HAS ATTAINED 36 SOLAR YEARS. AS TO MENTAL AGE, SEEMS TO
 VARY FROM 14-90 BASED ON AMOUNT OF PIZZA, DORITOS AND CHOC. SODAS
 CONSUMED.
 ---Manginius of Borg

THIS UNIT IS ALSO 27 SOLAR YEARS FROM OUR FIRST STEPS OFF THE
 ASSEMBLY LINE.  WE SUSPECT THAT THE NEW BORG-TYPES WHO ARE TRYING
 TO START WARS ARE MUCH YOUNGER.  THEN AGAIN, IT IS USUALLY OLDER
 MEN WHO START WARS ANYWAY.
 ---Hammerus of Borg

THIS UNIT IS AWARE OF MOST THINGS ABOUT THE BORG, HAVING LURKED
 OUT IN THE SHADOWS FOR SEVERAL WEEKS. WE ARE AMONG THE ELDER
 BORG, OH HELL, ALL RIGHT, FORTY SOLAR CIRCUITS HAVE PASSED SINCE
 MY ENTRANCE INTO THE PLANET.
 ---Olympius of Borg

WE ARE 33.  OF THE SIXTEEN REPORTED AGES, THE AVERAGE AGE IS
 26.66666666666666666666 [oh spoo! got caught in a time loop while
 in Warp 10].
 ---Oxnardus of Borg

The Other Borg Poll
 -------------------
 Results of the poll regarding whether a Borg would sequester 4.5
 million milk chocolate Dove bars without almonds or 4.5 frozen
 Snickers ice cream bars:  Out of 15 responses:  7 said Dove bars
 (46.6%) ; 3 said Snickers ice cream bars (20%); 1 said both [a
 Borg after our own hearts -eds.] (6.6%); 1 said chocolate-frosted
 pop-tarts (6.6%); 1 said it was too overwhelmed to make the
 decision (6.6%); 1 said orange slices (6%); and 1 said the mere
 thought of the choice caused an overload (6.6%).


------------------------
 BORG COSTUMES AND MODELS
 ------------------------
 Contact George Daher Jr. at Prodigy ID JNMX85A (Precision Models,
 P.O. Box 1780, Bloonmfield, N.J. 07003) for custom made Borg
 models and costumes.  He's a professional.  Tell 'im Oxnardus
 sent you.


====================================================
 SECRET POLICE LOG OF ALARMS AND JUNK FOOD VIOLATIONS
 ====================================================
 [As a public service, RIF will endeavor to print any secret log
 it can get a hold of from the Secret Borg police--eds.]

   1. Just when we though it was safe to come out of the cube,
 one OMNIUS OF BORG (unauthorized, mind you) began creating
 general havoc amongst the races. I then asked him to stop such
 activities and come join the true Borg. I tossed a few bad jokes
 his way and bit him in the e-mail to see if he said "Ouch".  As
 of Earth date May 7, 1992 we have heard no further communications
 from him. Studies of his followers revealed that he had none that
 could be located. We will be watching the BB's for further
 altercations.
   2. Certain parties, who shall remain unnamed, were caught
 sneaking into Jiffy Cube one evening and commandeering Dove Bars
 WITHOUT almonds. Subject was detained at cube headquarters and
 released to the custody of his/her peers. Dove bars were placed
 in a refrigerated evidence locker and will be evenly distributed
 back into the Borg collective at a later date.
   3. One PARAKEETUS OF BORG has been formally offered the job of
 Birds-eye View Surveillance Chief.  He will be provided with a
 lightweight badge and updated landing gear. We are still trying
 to assimilate the Man-o-War jelly fish for sea surveillance.
   4. Our citizen of the Month Award goes to CHATSWORTHUS OF BORG
 for his words of wisdom and general basher bashing. Any pending
 charges for flaunting his Macro in public have been dropped and
 subject will be allowed to continue these activities. As a
 Citizen of the Month, Chatsworthus will receive a supply of junk
 food of his choice from the Secret Police evidence lockers or
 from his local Jiffy Cube.
   5. Anyone found with a Dustbuster in their possession will be
 reprimanded as these are too easily used to clean up leftover
 crumbs which can be evidence of junk food violations, such as not
 sharing the cookies.
   6. We are waiting for permission to assimilate one K-9 unit
 for sniffing out perpetrators and growling at bashers. We will be
 holding a "Name the K-9 Unit" contest on the boards at a later
 date.
   In closing we would like to say that we cannot be everywhere
 at once even though we are. We will try our best to be there to
 bash bashers and bombard them with bad jokes. Feel free to report
 any disturbances to your cube commanders or this unit.
 ---Tricius of Borg\Betazed, Supreme Administrator of the Secret
 Police. Ssssssssshhhhhhh........

UPDATE OF BORG SECRET POLICE LOGS
 ---------------------------------
   1. The supreme one NOVELLUS has assimilated one "Muffy, the
 killer Borgapoo" for inspector status in the secret police. Any
 reference to this unit [Tricius] being seen with a POODLE will be
 answered by severe reprimand.  Novellus is preparing one
 Rottweiler-Borg unit, for K-9 partnership during this units
 rounds. We are looking foreword to working with him as Muffy
 spends too much time at the Salon of Borg Beauty.
   2. The second in command supreme one OXNARDUS received via
 e-mail one congratulatory greeting card for being the official
 org of the Month. That unit's titles include: Welcome Wagon,
 armchair musicologist, the Big Book of Borg and Little Book of
 Borg record keeper, editor in chief of RIF, armchair
 psychologist, and many others.
   3. Votes are now being taken for June's Borg of the Month. All
 units may vote via e-mail to FMDD39B, or post it on a Borg Board.
 Please include all titles the nominated units are known by. This
 shall be treated much like Baskin Robbins's Flavor of the Month
 as it is eagerly anticipated by all. Please see that all units do
 NOT erase e-mail entitled GREETING CARD as it may be the official
 Borg of the Month greeting, and not one of those annoying *P
 advertisements.
   4. It would seem that the wily PRESTON BORG has made a return.
 Recognition is therefore due to all the fellow Borg units whose
 wit and wisdom and customary joke telling have continued to
 torment the bad Borg and his allies. We salute we all. SALUTE!!!
   5. Recognition and appreciation goes out to WIGGALUS OF BORG
 for the on-going struggle to make peace between all races and
 between the Arts Club members and those of The Club ST Boards.
 Clap... clap...clap.
   6. A unit, who shall remain unmentioned (they know who they
 are), was caught sneaking junk food from the Borg and taking it
 to the Star Trek Hangout. No ticket was issued and subject was
 let go with an official Junk Food violation warning. Remember,
 all units, the Borg Secret Police eyes are EVERYWHERE! (Insert
 maniacal laughter).
 --Tricius of Borg

=============
 BORG AG NOTES
 =============
   WE NOTE WITH SADNESS THAT NOT ALL OF THE NEWLY ASSIMILATED
 BORG ARE SATISFIED WITH, NOR HAVE A TASTE FOR, BORG RASHERS AND
 OTHER PORKOIDS, AND INDEED INGESTION OF SUCH MEATS IS FORBIDDEN
 BY ANCIENT TRADITION IN SOME BORG SOURCE GROUPS.
   WHILE THE BORG FARM ON KLING IS INTENDED PRIMARILY FOR
 RECREATION, IF MARIE ANTOINETTE COULD HANG WITH THE BOSSIES THEN
 WHO ARE WE TO REMAIN ALOOF?
   COWS HAVE THE IMMEDIATE ADVANTAGE OVER CONQUERED SPECIES THAT
 THEY NEED NO IMPLANTS TO BE SUCCESSFULLY ASSIMILATED; AS HERD
 ANIMALS THEY REACT AS ONE, ALTHOUGH THAT ONE IS NOT INTELLIGENT:
 THE COW COLLECTIVE CONSCIOUSNESS VARIES ONLY IN THE DEGREE OF
 STUPIDITY, FROM MERE TO ABYSMAL.
   CATTLE ALSO HAVE SEVERAL ADVANTAGES AS FOOD ANIMALS. THEY ARE
 MUCH LARGER THAN ANY BIPED, SMELL BETTER THAN PORKOIDS, HAVE
 THINNER SKIN AND LESS HAIR THAN KLINGONS, AND ARE SMARTER AND
 LESS PERVERSE THAN FERENGI.
   CATTLE COME IN SEVERAL COLOR SCHEMES AND FOUR SUBGROUPS. ADULT
 FEMALE CATTLE HAVE THE SAME MOTIVATIONAL STRUCTURE AS THE HORTA,
 WITH GREATER MOBILITY AND LESS INTELLIGENCE. SUBADULTS OF BOTH
 SEXES HAVE THE USUAL QUALITIES OF ALL SUB ADULTS: MESSY,
 UNREASONABLE, AND CUTE, SOMETIMES OFFENSIVELY SO. ADULT MALES ARE
 EST THOUGHT OF AS NONVERBAL KLINGONS, AS THEY HAVE THE SAME
 RIDICULOUS SENSE OF HONOR, BUT THEY ARE MUCH MORE ORNAMENTAL.
 NEUTERS EXIST TO EAT AND BE EATEN, AND AS SUCH ARE THE BORGS
 FAVORED TYPE, BUT THEY DO PRODIGY(R).
 --Olympius of Borg

===========
 BORG FILLER
 ===========
 NOW LISTEN TO A STORY 'BOUT A GENERAL BORG
 WHOSE POSTINGS LEFT US A LITTLE MORE THAN BORED
 AND THEN ONE DAY HE WAS LOOKIN' FOR A FEUD
 AND GOT TRUE BORG IN A FIGHTIN' MOOD
   MAD, THAT IS
   TELLIN' JOKES, SINGIN' SONGS

NOW NEXT THING YOU KNOW OL' PRESSED-ON'S FEELIN' BAD
 WISHIN' THAT A PIZZA'S WHAT HE HAD
 BUT US TRUE BORG HAVE GOT A WAY WITH WORDS
 AND OUT WENT THE GENERAL WITH HIS BAND OF T*RDS
    FOLLOWERS, THAT IS
    BAD BORGS, RICHIE TOO

NOW US TRUE BORGS ARE ALWAYS GONNA WIN
 AND KEEP THOSE BAD GUYS OUTSIDE LOOKIN' IN
 UNTIL ONE DAY EVERYONE WILL WANT TO BE
 A PARTY LOVIN' BORG JUST LIKE YOU AND ME
    WE, THAT IS
    COLLECTIVE CONSCIOUSNESS, ASSIMILATED TOO

GENERAL HILLBILLIES, YA HOO!
 --- TRICIUS OF BORG\BETAZED, S.A. OF THE BORG SECRET POLICE,
 Cheerleader for the true borg, Drinkin' black gold, Texas tea


MORE BORG FILLER
 ----------------
 BORGA SUMUS. RESISTERE FUTILIS EST. ADSIMULABERIS.
 ---Abremus of Borg

ST-FERENGI ATTACK:

      ___                             *        *
     |   |                           * * **** * *
     |___|__*-----------------------*- * *  **  *
    ___|/                                ****
       |     ZZZZZZZAAAAAAAAPPPPP!!   **********
      / \                                 **
                                         *  *

---Ex-Laxius of Borg (retired), Peter Cap TBGW70C


================
 BORG FILMOGRAPHY
 ================
 "I Borg"
     Original airdate: 05/10/92. Written by Rene Echevarria.
     Directed by Robert Liederman.  Guests:  Jonathan Del Arco
     (Hugh), Whoopi Goldberg (Guinan).
     PLOT:  Dr. Crusher finds a teenaged sole survivor (third of
     five) in a crashed five-man Borg scout ship and convinces
     Picard to beam the Borg up for medical care.  While repair-
     ing the Borg, Picard concocts a scheme which would have the
     Borg carry a deadly computer virus back to the Borg con-
     sciousness.  Meanwhile, Geordi and Beverly befriend the borg
     and give him the name "Hugh".  Hugh learns the rudimentary
     beginnings of self-consciousness and Picard decides not to
     send the deadly virus through Hugh, but instead, uses the
     Borg's realization of self as the "virus" to infect the
     Borg.

=================
 EDITORIAL NOTICES
 =================
 The Borg Club is present on commercial national bulletin board
 services and on many amateur bulletin board networks and local
 areas.

=================
 COPYRIGHT NOTICES
 =================
 "RIF" acknowledges that Paramount Pictures and its various
 subsidiaries as having the sole rights to the Star Trek
 trademark. "RIF" has no intention to infringe upon that copyright
 or earn profit from this publication. It is distributed free of
 charge. "RIF" also acknowledges the Prodigy Services, General
 Electric, and NVN copyrights. This newsletter may be distributed
 by anyone if kept intact and not altered in anyway. Consider it
 shareware publishing! Resistance is Futile, copyright (c) 1992,
 1993 by RIF BBS

============================
 BACK ISSUES OF RIF AVAILABLE
 ============================
 Missing an issue? Used your RIF for a place mat or coaster one
 time too many? Just send a self-addressed stamped ($.52) business
 sized envelope to RIF BBS, P.O. Box 7822, Onxard, CA 93031 and
 that abused issue will be replaced. Please indicate which issue
 you desire.  All back issues are available!

=========================
 ADDRESSES OF CONTRIBUTORS
 =========================
 Abremus of Borg (KDRB46B)
 CHATSWORTHUS (BFSF75A)
 CLUELESS OF BORG (PSPH17A)
 Ex-Laxius of Borg (TBGW70C)
 Falcon Parakeetus (HJVF56B)
 Fraclictus of Borg (FBJF52A)
 Hammerus of Borg (DVNH74A)
 Hartius of Borg (XCPB76A)
 HoD K'Ech (XJRB61B)
 KHELLIUS OF BORG (BMXW82D)
 LAS LARIUS OF BORG (VTKR18D)
 Lord Kaar (TSKV42B)
 MAN OF BORG (KKJF30A)
 Manginius of Borg (DSTM96A)
 MARIANUS OF BORG (NRCR88A)
 Markus (HDKT49A)
 Olympius of Borg (DPNV14B)
 Oxnardus of Borg (HCMH17A)
 PDQ (Q) (BBNS70B)
 AMBASSADOR RANDICUS OF STC (RMGB46C)
 Shadowfax of Borg (TMFD87C)
 SUPERMAN (Q) ()VSFK15A
 SUPREME BORG NOVELLUS (GMDH77A)
 SWANNOX OF BORG (JSWP12A)
 TONYCIUS OF BORG (DVVC86A)
 TRICIUS OF BORG\BETA (FMDD39B)
 WEEBLE (tribble) (NRBK70B)
 WIGGALUS OF BORG (DVFM22B)


                      RESISTANCE IS FUTILE
                  Reprint Issue for Downloading
 [The following newsletter is a special reprint created especially
 for distribution over BBS systems. RIF is the newsletter of the
 "Borg Club", an organization originally only located on the
 Prodigy Network Service from February  1992 to April 1993. It
 expanded into the GEnie Network in May 1993, the NVN Network in
 June 1993, and into various other BBSes and networks from July
 1993. WARNING: The first seven issues of RIF were assumed to be
 read by Prodigy members. All IDs are Prodigy IDs. Many of the
 references are made to Prodigy idiosyncracies.]






        _____________       ____________      ____________
     * / R            \   */             \  */             \
    * |  E  ______    |   *\____     ____/  *|     ________/
    * |  S |******|   |    ****|     |***   *| F  |********
    * |  I |     *|   |       *|     |      *| U  |____
    * |  S ~~~~~~~  /         *|  I  |      *| T       \
    * |  T  ____    \         *|  S  |      *| I   ____/
    * |  A |*** \    \        *|     |      *| L  |***
    * |  N |    * \    \   ___*|     |____  *| E  |
    * |  C |      * \    \/               \ *|    |
    * \__E_/        * \___/______________/  *\____/
      *****          **** **************     *****
                          P.O. Box 7822
                        Oxnard, CA 93031

THE OFFICIAL ORGAN OF THE GALACTIC BORG CONSCIOUSNESS
 ISSUE NUMBER 3
 July 1992

RESISTANCE IS FUTILE ("RIF") is published and edited by Oxnardus
 and Ripley for distribution on various national electronic
 services and local electronic BBS echos. Address listings,
 copyright notices, editorial notices, and information on back
 issues are printed at the end of this newsletter. All
 correspondence should be sent by e-mail to Oxnardus or Ripley
 (addresses given at end of newsletter) or mailed to "Resistance
 is Futile", P.O. Box 7822, Oxnard, CA 93031.

=========
 CONTENTS
 =========
 Salutations
 Messages from the Big Cahuna: Pizzas
 Borg University Abstracts: "On the Effects of Individuality"
 Involuntary Assimilation Tips: ##4030, 4031, 4032
 Advertisement: The Borg Juicer
 Borg Cooking Corner: Riker's Favorite High Cal Worm Mix
 Advertisement: Swannox of Borg in 1992!
 Q Paradox
 Q Know Who: "Is resistance futile--I don't think so"
 Borg Sing-A-Long: It's a BORG World
                  Ballad of Locutus
 A Borg's Day's Night
 Advertisement: Borg's Big Bistro
 Borg Tales, Part 3: "The Assimilation Blues"
 Borg: The World Destroyers
 Deep Thoughts
 Joke Time
 Borg University Course Curriculum
 Advertisement: Sy Borg's Kosher Deli and Pizza Restaurant
 Editorial: Where the @#%^! Is Novellus?
 Editor Notices
 Copyright Notices
 Back issues of RIF available
 Addresses of contributors

===========
 SALUTATIONS
 ===========
   THIS IS PROFESSOR GHOSTWRITERUS OF BORG, Ph.D, ETC. WE
 (MEANING THE BORG) ARE PROUD TO PRESENT THE SPECIAL 'DIRECT FROM
 CENTRAL PROCESSING' EDITION. AS USUAL, THE GOOD WORK OF OXNARDUS
 AND CO. IS PRESENT, BUT IN ADDITION WE HAVE SOME SPECIAL FEATURES
 FOR YOU. SBN WAS SUPPOSED TO BE THE GUEST EDITOR, BUT HE SEEMS TO
 BE ON VACATION. PROBABLY HE IS LATE PAYING HIS PRODIGY BILL
 AGAIN. NEVERTHELESS, THERE IS MUCH INPUT FROM HIM IN THIS ISSUE,
 SO ENJOY...


============================
 MESSAGES FROM THE BIG CAHUNA
 ============================
 [Each issue endeavors to present postings from the Supreme Borg
 Novellus. For this issue we have chosen a very important thesis
 on pizzas. --eds.]

Pizzas
 ------
   THE BORG HAVE ALWAYS APPRECIATED CHICAGO STYLE PAN PIZZA. IN
 FACT, BORG PIZZA WAS CREATED WHEN THE THOUGHT OF A GENO'S LARGE
 PIE WAS EXTRACTED FROM THE YET UNASSIMILATED JASON PERLOW AND
 DOWNLOADED TO THE PREVIOUS SUPREME BORG. THE THOUGHT OF SUCH A
 HEARTBURN INDUCING CONSUMABLE OVERLOADED THE SUPREME BORG'S
 CIRCUITS AND JASON PERLOW TOOK HIS PLACE AND BECAME NOVELLUS. THE
 REST OF COURSE, IS HISTORY. THE GENO'S LARGE PIE IS CONSIDERED TO
 BE A KEY VARIABLE IN MODERN BORG EVOLUTION DUE TO THIS INCIDENT.
   FURTHER EVOLUTION OF THE GENO'S PIZZA WAS DEVELOPED BY
 COMBINING CHOCOLATE WITH THE PIZZA. THIS HAPPENED QUITE BY
 ACCIDENT, IN FACT. THE STORY GOES A CERTAIN BORG UNIT WAS EATING
 A SYNTHESIZED STANDARD ISSUE LARGE GENO'S PIE, WHEN ANOTHER BORG
 CLUMSILY CAME ALONG, WHO WAS EATING A HERSHEY BAR, AND DROPPED
 THE HERSHEY BAR INTO HIS PIE.
   "HEY! YOU PUT YOUR CHOCOLATE IN MY PIZZA!" THE PIZZA BORG
 SCOWLED.
   THE BORG, WHO WAS LOW ON ENERGY, DECIDED TO EAT THE CHOCOLATE
 PIZZA ANYWAY. "WOW!" HE EXCLAIMED, "TWO GREAT TASTES IN ONE!"
   THROUGH THE MIRACLE OF DATA INTERCHANGE THROUGH THE BORG
 COLLECTIVE, WE IMMEDIATELY REALIZED THE SHEER IMPORTANCE OF WHAT
 HAD BEEN DISCOVERED. WE ARE NOW THE UNCONTESTED MASTER PIZZA
 BAKERS AND CONSUMERS IN THE ENTIRE UNIVERSE.
   THERE WAS FURTHER DEVELOPMENT IN PIZZA TECHNOLOGY, THROUGH THE
 INGENIOUSNESS OF SUBCOMMANDER OXNARDUS, WHO DISCOVERED THAT BORG
 BASHERS COULD BE USED AS A VERY TASTY TOPPING. BUT THAT IS HER
 STORY.
 ---SUPREME BORG NOVELLUS


============================================================
 BORG UNIVERSITY ABSTRACTS: "ON THE EFFECTS OF INDIVIDUALITY"
 ============================================================
 ABSTRACT: ON THE EFFECTS OF THE "INDIVIDUALITY" ISSUE RAISED BY
          THE EVENTS CHRONICLED BY THE STARFLEET PROPAGANDA
          MACHINE "STAR TREK: THE NEXT GENERATION" UPON THE BORG
          POPULATION
   AS THE MEMBERS OF THE BORG COLLECTIVE NO DOUBT KNOW, THE 2-D
 BROADCAST ENTITLED "STAR TREK: THE NEXT GENERATION" IS A
 FICTIONALIZED ACCOUNT OF REAL STARFLEET LOGS, ALTERED TO SHOW THE
 BORG IN A BAD LIGHT. HOWEVER, IN THE INTEREST OF BORG UNITY AND
 SCHOLASTIC INTEGRITY, I (REMEMBER, THIS UNIT ONLY USES THE
 PERSONAL PRONOUN "I" BECAUSE IT HAS BEEN ARTIFICIALLY SEPARATED
 FROM THE BORG  COLLECTIVE TO SPY UPON THE OUTSIDE WORLD) WILL
 CLARIFY SOME OF THE MISCONCEPTIONS RECENTLY PURVEYED BY THIS
 BROADCAST.
   FIRST OF ALL, NO SUCH UNIT AS "THREE OF FIVE" OR "HUGH" HAS
 EVER EXISTED. AS ALL BORG NO DOUBT KNOW, BORG ASSUME REAL
 IDENTIFIERS, NOT NUMBERS OR MISSPELLED PRONOUNS.
   SECOND, WITH RARE EXCEPTIONS (ONES SUCH AS MYSELF WHO ARE
 MECHANICALLY DISTANCED ON PURPOSE -- AND HAVE SUPREMELY STRINGENT
 LOYALTY CIRCUITS BUILT IN TO PREVENT ACTIONS AGAINST THE COLLEC-
 TIVE) THE BORG HAVE, NOR DO THEY NEED TO BE "GIVEN"
 INDIVIDUALITY. FRANKLY, WHAT IS PAINFULLY  OBVIOUS TO US, AND NOT
 TO THE OUTSIDE WORLD, IS THAT WE ALREADY HAVE INDIVIDUALITY. JUST
 BECAUSE THE NORMAL BORG DOES NOT USE PERSONAL PRONOUNS (FOR
 REASONS OF BORG COURTESY, OF COURSE) IT DOES NOT MEAN HE/SHE/IT
 DOES NOT HAVE INDIVIDUAL THOUGHT PROCESSES. ONLY ONES SUCH AS I,
 WHO ARE CURSED AND BLESSED OF FORCED NORMAL PRONOUN USE ON
 OUTSIDE MISSIONS, HAVE TO SUFFER FROM "EXCESSIVE" INDIVIDUAL-
 ITY--THE REST OF THE BORG HAVE THE CHOICE TO BE INDIVIDUAL BY
 MERIT OF THEIR DEEDS AND WORDS AND NOT BY THEIR PRONOUN USE.
   YOU SEE, THAT IS THE TRUE BASIS FOR THE TABOO UPON PRONOUN
 USE. BORGS ARE, BY NATURE, INDIVIDUALS OF EXTRAORDINARY TALENTS
 WHO CHOOSE TO MASS TOGETHER COLLECTIVELY MERELY TO EMPHASIZE
 THEIR OWN INDIVIDUALITY. BUT THIS MUST BE DONE THROUGH THE POWER
 OF THEIR INSIGHTFULLNESS, OR PERHAPS THE SHARPNESS OF THEIR WIT.
 THE USE OF PRONOUNS WOULD GET IN THE WAY OF THE TRUE PROOF OF
 THEIR INDIVIDUALITY. FOR MOST BORG THIS IS ENOUGH.
 ---SUFFERING UNDER THE USE OF PRONOUNS, PROF. GHOSTWRITERUS OF
 BORG, PHD, ETC. ETC. ETC.


=================================================
 INVOLUNTARY ASSIMILATION TIPS: ##4030, 4031, 4032
 =================================================

#4030
 -----
 REMEMBER THE FOLLOWING WHEN PERFORMING FIELD IMPLANTS ON CAPTURED
 ENEMIES:  THOSE KNIVES CAN CUT BOTH WAYS!!  ALWAYS BE MINDFUL OF
 THE FACT THAT WE BORG ARE PARTLY BIOLOGICAL, AND WHAT SEEMED ONLY
 TO BE AN UNSIGHTLY CUT CAN TURN INTO A NASTY INFECTION!  HAPPY
 HUNTING!!

#4031
 -----
 WHEN CAPTURING AN UNWILLING ASSIMILEE (YES, THAT'S WHAT WE CALL
 'EM) ALWAYS BE CAREFUL TO CLEAN YOUR ANTENNA AND OPTICS
 THOROUGHLY AFTERWARDS.  A BLOOD-MISTED VIEWSCREEN, OR A FLESH-
 CAKED SIGNAL BOOSTER IS ALWAYS BAD NEWS.

#4032
 -----
 WHEN IMPLANTING A VIEW ENHANCEMENT DEVICE IN THE FIELD, MAKE SURE
 YOU SEVER THE OPTIC NERVE OF YOUR CAPTIVE BEFORE ATTEMPTING TO
 REMOVE THE ORIGINAL ORGANIC VIEWING DEVICES.  HOWEVER WHEN
 IMPLANTING VIEW RECORDING DEVICES THE ORIGINAL OPTIC EQUIPMENT
 SHOULD BE LEFT UNALTERED.

REMEMBER, WHENEVER VIDEO OR AUDIO ENHANCEMENT AND RECORDING
 DEVICES ARE IMPLANTS PLEASE MAKE SURE THAT CAPTIVES ARE FIRST
 RENDERED UNCONSCIOUS.  SCREAMING AND THRASHING MAY INTERFERE WITH
 THE PROGRESS OF THE IMPLANTATION.

ALSO, WHEN INSTALLING LATERAL IMPLANTS, PLEASE INSPECT THE
 ALIMENTARY CANAL FOR BLOCKAGES.  PLEASE REMOVE ANY OFFENDING
 MATERIAL IN A SANITARY MANNER, AND PROCEED WITH CAUTION.


=============
 ADVERTISEMENT
 =============
 THE BORG JUICER IS A MIRACLE DEVICE.  YOU PUT IN THE FERENGI ON
 YOUR CHOICE (OR ANY OTHER DISGUSTING RACE) AND OUT COMES A
 WONDERFULLY HEALTHY, VITAMIN PACKED DRINK.  IT IS SURE TO GIVE
 YOU THAT JUMP YOU NEED. BUT THAT'S NOT ALL, YOU ALSO GET, AT NO
 ADDITIONAL CHARGE, THE BORG KNIFE. IT SLICES, DICES, EVEN CUTS
 THROUGH A TIN CAN.  DON'T ORDER YET, YOU ALSO GET THE
 INTRODUCTORY EXCLUSIVE FAUX PHONE WITH YOUR ORDER! AMAZE YOUR
 FRIENDS! IT WILL SEEM TO THEM THAT YOU ARE EVER SO POPULAR BE-
 CAUSE THIS PHONE NEVER STOPS RINGING!  ORDER NOW!  YES! SEND ME
 THE BORG JUICER RISK FREE.
 ---MARIANUS OF RONCO


=======================================================
 BORG COOKING CORNER: RIKER'S FAVORITE HIGH CAL WORM MIX
 =======================================================
 (exciting culinary experiments which can be tried at home!)

Recipe: RIKERS FAVORITE HIGH CAL WORM MIX.
 -----------------------------------------
 1 PACKAGE OF JELLO CHOCOLATE PUDDING
 1/2 PACKAGE OF OREO COOKIES
 1 PACKAGE OF GUMMY WORMS.

   MAKE PUDDING,CRUMBLE COOKIES IN FOOD PROCESSING UNIT OR WITH
 HEAVY SKILLET. SERVE WITH COOKIE CRUMBS OVER PUDDING AND WORMS
 PARTLY STICKING OUT OF CRUMBS.
   SERVING SUGGESTIONS. CLEAN FLOWERPOTS, WITH SIZED TO FIT
 STYROFOAM CUP INSIDE.
   RIKER REPORTS THIS IS ALMOST AS GOOD AS THE REAL THING. THERE
 IS NO ACCOUNTING FOR TASTE IN AUTONOMOUS BIOLOGICAL UNITS.
 ---GALAHADUS OF BORG. THE BORGAL GOURMET.


=============
 ADVERTISEMENT
 =============

Swannox of Borg in 1992!
 ------------------------
 "A PRESIDENTIAL CANDIDATE YOU CAN REPROGRAM"
 "A CANDIDATE WHO HAS YOU ON HIS MIND"
 "FREE PIZZA AT THE BISTRO"
 "A PIZZA IN EVERY CUBE"
 "THE THOUSAND RED FLASHING POINTS OF LIGHTS CANDIDATE"


=========
 Q PARADOX
 =========
   The Q "continuum" does not exist.  And I'm not talking about
 this reality known as '20th-century Earth', either.
   To wit:  According to the principles of modern- day
 astrophysics, a continuum is a continuous whole, quantity, or
 series;  in other words, something whose parts cannot be
 separated or separately discerned (hence the term "space-time
 continuum").  It follows ,then, that the Q continuum
 SHOULD be a quantity of beings which others (or even the Q
 themselves) cannot separate into separate beings or groups of
 beings.
   However, it just ain't so.  There was an episode of TNG
 (sorry, can't remember the name) in which the character played by
 John De Lancie was thrown out of the Q continuum (for basically
 being a jerk, if I remember correctly). [episode was #61, called
 "Deja Q", third season--eds.] He subsequently was turned into a
 human and sought refuge aboard the Enterprise and was attacked by
 the Calamarian (probably not spelled right).  Data risks his life
 to rescue the now ex-Q, and to prevent the Enterprise from being
 destroyed, he left on a shuttle in order to sacrifice himself.
 Enter a member of the Q (played by Corben Bernsen).  De Lancie:
 Q! I always knew you were in my corner!  Bernsen:   Actually, I'm
 the one that got you thrown out. De Lancie's character was
 IGNORANT of that fact.  He did not know that Bernsen's character
 had been following him, watching him. This would not be possible
 if the Q were truly a continuum.  So much for being all- knowing!
   Also, our friends of the Q (race?) on this board have separate
 designations (SupeQ, PDQ, Lady J of Q, etc).  According to TNG,
 this does not happen (considering the alternative, however, I can
 understand why.  Can you imagine a conversation between two Q?
 "Hi, Q, how's it going?" "Fine, Q, how's Q doing?" "Did you hear
 what happened to Q?  He/she was talking to Q and...".Ugh.)     To
 clear up one final matter:  I am not a Q basher.  Nor am I a Borg
 basher.  Nor am I a Borg Basher basher, or any other kind of
 basher (except maybe politicians, the creepy kind.)  Actually,
 the only things I really, REALLY care about are pizza, chocolate,
 Mountain Dew, and playing putt- putt golf in the rain.
 ---M (trying to assimilate, but having trouble with a witty,
 snappy signoff)[eds. note--"M" eventually assimilated as the
 Unknown Borg].


==========
 Q KNOW WHO
 ==========
 [This is a semi-regular column from the "Q" Continuum--eds.]

Topic: "Is resistance futile--I don't think so"
 -----------------------------------------------
   This has been proven century after century, millennium after
 millennium and continuum after continuum.  Look at the history of
 America, Earth.  <Snap> there is a full orchestra in the back
 ground playing the Star Spangled Banner. If they did not resist
 the English there may have never been an America.  If they never
 resisted the violent acts of Hitler in WW II we may not be here
 able to talk about it!  If the American teens did not resist
 drugs and being a part of something big or a "collective" a.k.a
 gang the federation may have never been developed because all the
 founders would be drug headed gang bangers.  Plus if we were all
 willing to dress in tacky aluminum foil none of us would have any
 taste for fashion or change we would be a stagnant society!  And
 you can not dispute what I say for I am the all knowing Q and you
 are nothing but a petunia biting ku-chung kissing hunk of mushy
 metallic mess with an attitude problem and I'm here to fix it!
 --Superman/Q


================
 Borg Sing-A-Long
 ================

It's a BORG World
 -----------------
 It's a world of cubes and a world of pipes,
 A world of conduits and power stripes.
 There's so much that we share
 We can't be self-aware
 It's a BORG world after all. (repeat)
 ---Victor of BORG

Ballad of Locutus
 -----------------
 IT WAS ANOTHER AVERAGE BUSY BUSTLING BORG DAY
 NOVELLUS WAS PICKIN' RECRUITS AND OXNARDUS WAS SAYIN' "HEY".
 WE WE'RE JUST A BORED BORG OUT LOOKIN' FOR SOME FUN
 WHEN WE RAN RIGHT INTO THAT NASTY FEDERATION

NOW THE CUBE WAS HITTIN' NIGH ON WARP 16
 WHEN THE ENTERPRISE DECIDED TO MAKE THE SCENE
 SOMEBODY NAMED "PICK-HARD" TOLD US TO GO AWAY
 BUT US PARTY LOVIN' BORG DECIDED THAT WE WOULD STAY

JUST WHEN THINGS WERE GOIN' GOOD THEY VANISHED IN A FLASH
 AND THERE WE WERE LOOKING FORWARD TO A GREAT BIG BASH
 IT WAS SOME TIME LATER WHEN WE CAUGHT UP WITH HIM AGAIN
 BUT THIS TIME WE DECIDED THAT WE WOULD INVITE HIM IN

WELL LOCUTUS DIDN'T HANG AROUND FOR LONG
 JUST A HELLO, GOODBYE, AND THEN THAT GUY WAS GONE
 WE HEAR HE SPENDS A LOT OF TIME STARIN' OFF INTO SPACE
 AND WE WONDER IF HE'S THINKING ABOUT THIS PARTY PLACE

NOW SOME TIME HAS COME AND GONE SINCE WE HEARD THE NEWS ABOUT
                LOCUTUS.
 EXCEPT FOR WHAT LITTLE STUFF HUGH HAD TO TELL US
 AND WE, WE SPEND A LOT OF TIME UP ON CUBE NUMBER FIVE
 A WORKIN' FOR THE SECRET POLICE AND PUTTIN' OUT SOME JIVE
 ---Tricius of Borg


====================
 A BORG'S DAY'S NIGHT
 ====================
   It was a hot, sultry evening in the Cube when the call came
 in.  One malfunctioning Borg was tormenting the proprietors of a
 small Jiffy Cube outlet, brandishing a pocket phaser and shouting
 something about pizza withdrawals.
   Muffy the killer Borgapoo had his fur up in curlers, but still
 seemed to maintain that vicious Standard Poodle look.  No unit
 messed with Muffy.  However, the malfunctioning unit broke out in
 laughter spasms when Muffy walked in Mini-Jiffy Cube.
   "Can it, buster!" I said.  "Muffy don't like comedians."
   "Mu...mu...mmm...," said the unit, obviously trying to speak
 through the giggle attacks.  Poor soul, I thought, it's going to
 blow a fuse.  But i was relieved, because for a moment I thought
 it was going to say "Spoo!".  If that had happened it would have
 meant a time loop and the ensuing extra paperwork back at
 Headquarters would have been a crime in itself.
   The proprietors of the establishment were maintaining a low
 stress level, despite their predicament.  They were Imelda Marcus
 and Johnny Coercions, the latter a retired talk show host from
 Earth and the other a show collector.  For fear that Coercions
 would break into an unending monologue, we chose Marcus.
   "The facts, Ma'am.  Just the fact," I said.
   Marcus then told us that said perpetrator had walked in
 demanding a pizza with everything on it.  When Marcus then handed
 it the portly pizza, it began screaming that It wanted EVERYTHING
 on it.  The ensuing chaos was caused when It began grabbing boxes
 of Hostess Ding Dongs and bags of Doritos and Pressing them on
 the pizza.
   "Well," I said, turning to the malfunctioning unit, "we're
 afraid that we are going to have to take you in."
   And, yes, the unit known as "Pressed-on Borg turned over the
 phaser and surrendered to our custody with only a little whining.
   As we were leaving Mini-Jiffy, Pressed-on asked us if our dog
 bites.
   "No," I said.
   Pressed-on then proceeded to pet Muffy, who promptly bit him
 in the implants.
   "I thought you said your dog didn't bite!" Pressed-on
 screamed.
   "It's not our dog," I replied.  "Muffy belongs to no one."
   Ah, another case solved.  Unfortunately Pressed-on got out on
 a technicality and continues to rant and rave occasionally on the
 Borg Boards.  He is sometimes known as "Preston Borg", but we all
 know who he really is.
   We would like to thank Supreme Borg Novellus for allowing us
 to use the personal pronoun "I" in our report.
 ---Tricius of Borg\Betazed, Supreme Administrator of the Borg
 Secret Police, reporting for duty, Sir!  Oh, and the Muffy thing,
 too!.  Over and out.


=============
 ADVERTISEMENT
 =============
   Borg's Big Bistro [not to be confused with the Borg Bistro or
 Q Bistro] is proud to present our breakfast. lunch and dinner
 menu for the Borg on the Go...

Breakfast:
 ---------
 Worf "Merry Man" Waffles. Metamorph Muffins. Egg-similation
 Sandwich.  Pakled Pancakes--Things That Make You Go. Klingon
 Krispies. Fruity Time loops. Federation Flakes. Q Croissants.
 Lunch: Betazoid Burger. Ferengi Fries. And Our Full Line of Soft
 Drinks [due to adverse effects to Borgs, we no longer offer Jolt
 Cola or Squirt]: Dr. Crusher, Q Juice, Assimilation Soda, and
 Sparkling Ensign Water.

Dinner & Dessert:
 ----------------
 Our Most Impressive Menu: Klingon Kabob. Work Wafers. Chocolate
 Pizza Surprise. Ferengi Fajitas. Bar-B-Q-Q. Cube Steak. Horta
 Hocks. Captain Casserole. Federation Filets. Ferengi Fettuccine
 Daimon Alfredo. Picard Pilaf. Troi Intentional Tortes. Pirate in
 a Pocket. Borg Rasher Pizza, and Many Others.

Don't forget a Borgy Meal for the little Ones. Includes two small
 menu choices, soft or hard drink and a free pressed-on borg
 decal. Your Hostess-Tricius of Borg/Betazed. Operator of Borg's
 Big Bistro 1-800-EAT-M-ALL and the Culinary Cube 1-800-CUBE-US-1.
 ---TRICIUS


==========
 BORG TALES
 ==========
 A Serial
 Part 3

"The Assimilation Blues"
 ------------------------
   As the Beta Queen docked in a cavernous recess of the giant
 cubular structure, large mechanical protracted arms attached
 themselves to the outer hull.  The jolt was deafening and in
 great contrast to the gentle tractor beam that had pulled me into
 the "Jiffy Cube" facility.  I could hear whoever was outside
 opening the airlock.  There was nothing I could do.  There was
 nowhere to run and nowhere to hide.  Just me, trapped, in a tin
 can known as a Yugo Spacecruiser LX.
   This was it.  After all those years of space hi-jinks and
 brushes with the various galactic authorities, this was how I was
 about to meet my end.  Rogue Borgs.  Sucked out of space in my
 prime into a Jiffy Cube.  If these were my last few minutes, I
 decided to grab all the gusto I could.  Attempting to live my
 statistical final seventy years in five minutes, I went to my
 computer terminal and began to punch in my last request.
   Before I could begin the delicate task of expressing my last
 will and testament, text began to output at a furious pace on the
 screen.  I read the text as it flashed ny.  It was that darn
 voluntary assimilation contract that I had been earlier left by a
 borg.  This screen version, however, ended with the instruction,
 "Exiting this screen has the same full force and effect as
 signing a document."  I was between a rock and a hard place.  I
 had to exit to interface with the computer.  These rogue borg
 were especially insidious.
   I heard the borg breach the airlock.  I had literally only
 seconds before being sucked into the borg wayward consciousness.
 A pizza had materialized on the navigation console earlier.  I
 had ignored it, having other pressing matters at hand.  I
 thought, what the hey.  I had not eaten for several issues.  In
 my last few precious seconds as an independent sentient critter
 capable of expressing personal pronouns, I sank my teeth into a
 piping-hot deep dish pizza.  AGGGGH.  I spat out the bite.  What
 is wrong with this pizza?!?  I inspected it.  There was the tell-
 tale signs of massive amounts of chocolate underneath the
 veggies, sauce, and cheeses.  What kind of fiends would put
 chocolate on a pizza???  That profound musing was the last
 thought I ever had.

Next issue:  Part 4 "We Are Okay"


==========================
 BORG: THE WORLD DESTROYERS
 ==========================
   The galaxious expanse of Cube# XCR0023122 came to a stationary
 orbit around the technologically developed fourth planet of the
 system cataloged as LDGRE1A, locally known as Unis.  Its
 inhabitants, the Unisians, were a peace-loving race of dark blue
 skinned tri-peds.
   When the first of the aliens came, they looked at them with
 utter amazement. These aliens, bi-pedal with light, almost white
 skin interlaced with varying dark mechanical implants called
 themselves "THE BORG".  They spoke strangely and uttered weird
 phrases such as "YOUR PRIMITIVE TECHNOLOGY SHALL BE ASSIMILATED",
 and "RESISTANCE IS FUTILE".  Their stationary electronic
 word-papers put the newcomers' words at the top of the screen
 prompt, and was generally ridiculed.  It seemed all a joke, these
 aliens, they seemed to walk freely, not bothering anyone, until
 one of the most beloved officials of the world, Lord Lugnar Hiis
 was found to be missing.  Then all hell began to break loose.
   Unisians were coming up missing left and right, all over the
 world.  Civilians were reporting that these "BORGS" were
 appearing in large numbers, usually at locations of technological
 import, touching Unisians and then, as suddenly as they appeared,
 disappearing, along with their hostage.  Then suddenly, tractor
 beams began engaging. Whole areas of technological development
 were being literally ripped from the planet, and pulled into
 space. There were craters being formed and from a high orbit,
 homeview satellites were beaming the destruction all over the
 world.
   The world governments made several attempts to contact the
 aliens, seemingly all in vain until the BORG sent a visual
 message to the head of the Unisian Relevant Intelligence Section
 the central liaison to the Emperor, Lord Vunlar Useap.  The image
 Vunlar saw was that of his old friend, Lugnar Hiis, but somehow
 defaced with the same reported mechanical devices reportedly used
 by the BORG.  Vunlar, an intelligent Unis, immediately saw the
 purpose of this visage, but declined to act ask if he were on to
 something. [we assume, to be continued--eds.]
 ---Fraclicutus of Borg


=============
 DEEP THOUGHTS
 =============
 [This is a compilation of deep thoughts contributed to the Borg
 BB April-May 1992--eds.)

FOR THE BENEFIT OF ALL WE CHOSE THIS AS A MEDIUM TO EXPRESS
 HUMOROUS AND SERIOUS THOUGHTS TO PONDER. WE MAY USE QUOTES OR
 MAKE UP ONES OF OUR OWN.  HERE IS MY CONTRIBUTION:
          "COLLECTIVE CONSCIOUSNESS BRINGS NEW MEANING
          TO THE PHRASE 'PARTY LINE'."
 THIS IS AN ATTEMPT TO BRING THE INTELLECTUAL OUT.  FOR THIS UNIT,
 WE FIND IT ENJOYABLE TO READ SOMETHING THAT MAKES US STARE AT THE
 SCREEN WITH OUR MOUTHS HANGING OPEN.  SO WE SHALL USE THIS AS A
 SCHOOL OF BRAIN EXERCISES.   THE PHRASES MAY BE BORG OR NON BORG
 RELATED.  THEY MAY BE SHALLOW LIKE THE ONE WE JUST POSTED, OR
 DEEP AND THOUGHT PROVOKING.  TELL US WHAT YOU THINK, AND POST
 YOUR BEST SHOT.  IF IT'S NOT YOUR BEST SHOT, POST IT ANYWAY.
 ---Tricius of Borg, the professor Borgus school of thought

Always remember, and never forget, that wherever you go, there
 you are.
 ---Mr Wizvogonard [pre-assimilation Chatsworthus--eds.]

WE NEED ANOTHER TIMMY!!!!!
 ---also Mr Wizvogonard [also pre-assimilation Chatsworthus--eds.]

"GIVE ME PIZZA, OR GIVE ME DEATH!"
 ---Marianus of Borg

"We desire most what we ought not to have."
                      (Publilius Syrus 1st Century B.C.)
 Hey, with a name like that he could've been Borg!
 ---Tricius of Borg

To thine own self, be true.
 ---Chatsworthus of Borg

PREJUDICE IS AN UGLY THING THAT IS IN US ALL AND ONLY WE AS
 INDIVIDUAL CAN DECIDE TO EXTERMINATE IT. NO MATTER HOW MANY LAWS
 ARE CREATED WE MUST BE ABLE TREAT EACH OTHER AS EQUALS AND ABIDE
 BY THESE LAWS.  IF NOT WE ARE SURE TO SELF-DESTRUCT AS A COUNTRY
 AND AS A WORLD.....UNITED WE STAND DIVIDED WE FALL
 ---Superman/Q

"Aroint thee, witch!" the rump-fed runnion cries...
       William Shakespeare
       MacBeth, 1.3.6
 And who said Shakespeare is not fun????
 ---Oxnardus

MMMMM, DONUTS.
 --HOMER J. SIMPSON

I LIKE THE PINK ONES.
 ---ANTHRAXUS, Of The Borg Pasteurization Council

A BORG HEAD IS SO FULL OF LEAD
 WE SHOULD USE THEM AS A PENCIL INSTEAD!
 ---Q-BALL


SUPREME BORG NOVELLUS RECEIVED THIS COMMUNICATION FROM A
 MYSTERIOUS SOURCE ON THE PLANET TERRA. MESSAGE FOLLOWS.
 "Sometimes when I sit and stare at my computer, I start to wonder
 If it racks up 10 hour Compuserve sessions after I go to sleep.
 Then, as I stare at my screen-saver, I wonder what my screen is
 being saved from."
 ---  Supreme Borg Novellus

    .....It's a turf war, on a global scale
    I'd rather hear both sides of the tale
    It's not about races, just places, faces
    where your blood comes from is where your space is....
  Michael Jackson
  Black or White
  DANGEROUS

      "Respect is what we owe; Love, what we give."

                                Philip James Bailey
                                   (1816-1902)

  "How incredible it is that in this fragile existence we
 should hate and destroy one another.  There are possibilities
 enough for all who will abandon mastery over others to pursue
 mastery over nature.  There is world enough for all to seek their
 happiness in their own way."

                                      Lyndon B. Johnson
                                        (1908-1973)
                           Inaugural address January 1965

            "A mother's plea"

       To not see the color of ones race
       to only accept and embrace
       There is world enough for each other
       To love my sister, my brother
       Ignorance breeds the beast called war
       That roars each day outside our door
       The death, the anger, a mother's tears
       The flowered graves, the lonely years
       Be this not a honorable war
       But one of disgrace, and gang-fed lore
       The time will come, I do pray
       When all this injustice will fade away
       What kind of life do our children face
       If we adults do not embrace?
       To all mankind, hear this mothers plea
       It is time for peace, between you and me......
 ---Tricius

"Cowards die many times before their deaths, the valiant taste of
 death but once. of all these things I yet have heard I find this
 one most ridiculous."
 Julius Caesar- Act 1 Scene? Line 27-29
 ---Wiggalus of borg

SUPREME BORG NOVELLUS RECEIVED YET A SECOND UNIDENTIFIED MESSAGE
 FROM TERRA.
 "You know, it would kind of make a lot of sense if we beat cows
 to death, because this way, when we got our steaks in the
 supermarket, they would already be tenderized."
 ---Supreme Borg Novellus

WHY DO THEY CALL IT A LUNCH HOUR IF YOU ONLY GET HALF AN HOUR?

---WIGGALUS OF BORG

That time before you go to sleep and become most creative and do
 a lot good thinking, does Bush or anybody in Congress have that
 phase?
 No?........................ didn't think so.
 ---Man of Borg, always in that state

WHY ASK WHY DRINK BORG DRY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
 ---SUPERMAN/Q (VSFK15A)

YET ANOTHER MYSTERIOUS MESSAGE WAS SENT TO SUPREME BORG NOVELLUS
 FROM THE PLANET TERRA:
 Why is it that we drive on a parkway but park in a driveway?
 Shouldn't it be the other way around? And why is it when you buy
 a package of hot dogs you get 6 hot dogs, but when you buy a
 package of hot dog buns you get 8?
 ---Supreme Borg Novellus

Hey, what if cat is really spelled d-o-g.........
 ---Q-BALL

AND, WHAT IF Q WERE REALLY SPELLED P-I-G? <g>
 ---TRICIUS OF BORG\BETAZED

DON'T YOU HATE IT WHEN THE "NEW MAIL" THING COMES UP ON THE
 SCREEN, AND IT TURNS OUT TO BE SOME ANNOYING ADVERTISEMENT?
 ---HARTIUS OF BORG, WITH AN EMPTY MAILBOX

To ALL, but especially Tricius: Our filial unit requires that we
 submit these quotes for collective perusal, but we are doing this
 UNDER PROTEST!
 1. There was, I think, never any reason to believe in any innate
 superiority of thee male, except in his superior muscle. Bertrand
 Russell
 2. (for Weeble) Think what cowards men would be if they had to
 bear children. Women are altogether a superior species.   George
 Bernard Shaw
 3. Most men do not mature, they simply grow taller. Leo Rosten
 4. Men are but children, too, though they have gray hairs; they
 are only of a larger size.  Seneca
 5. I refuse to consign the whole male sex to the nursery. I
 insist on believing that SOME men are my equals. Brigid Brophy
 6. Men are too emotional to vote. Their conduct at baseball games
 and political conventions shows this, while their innate tendency
 to appeal to force renders them particularly unfit for the task
 of government.... Man's place is in the armory.    Alice Duer
 Miller
 7. Men are beasts and even beasts do not behave as they do!
 Brigitte Bardot
 8.Unusually low voices; short life expectancies; odd drab
 costumes; a tendency to sweat, f*rt, and yell. C.E. Crimmins
 9. The more I see of men, the more I like dogs. Mme de Stael
 10. A man in the house is worth two in the street. Mae West
 --- Chatsworthus of Borg

My Mother always said: The only difference between men and boys
 is the sound of their voice and the cost of their toys.
 ---Tormin

Now the filial unit has left this portion of the cube for a few
 hours. It's OUR turn!
 1. G-d created man, and finding him not sufficiently alone, gave
 him a companion to make him feel his solitude more keenly.  Paul
 Valery
 2. A woman is a creature who is always shopping.  Ovid
 3. Women are an alien race of pagans set down among us. Every
 seduction is a conversion.  John Updike
 4. Women are of two sorts. Some of them are wiser, better
 learned, discreeter, and more constant than a number of men. But
 another and a worse sort of them... are fond, foolish, wanton,
 flibbergibs, feeble, careless, rash, proud, dainty, nice
 talebearers, eavesdroppers, rumor-raisers, evil tongued
 worse-minded, and in every way doltified with the dregs of the
 Devil's dunghill.  Bishop John Aylmer
 5. Heav'n has no rage like love to hatred turn'd, nor hell a fury
 like a woman scorn'd.  William Congreve
 6. A woman in love will do almost anything for a man, except give
 up the desire to improve him. Nathaniel Branden
 7. With women, I've got a long bamboo pole with a leather loop on
 the end of it. I slip the loop around their necks so they can't
 get away or come too close. Like catching snakes. Marlon Brando
 8. They're asking women to do impossible things. I don't believe
 women can carry a pack, live in a foxhole, or go a week without a
 bath. General Wm Westmoreland
 9. I do not believe in using women in combat because females are
 too fierce.  Margaret Meade
 10.[lastly] A woman will sometimes forgive the man who tries to
 seduce her, but NEVER the man who misses an opportunity when
 offered.  Talleyrand
 11. [I lied] Blondes have the hottest kisses. Redheads are fair
 to middling torrid, and brunettes are the frigidest of all. It's
 something to do with hormones, no doubt. - Ronald Reagan!!!!!!
 ---Chatsworthus


=========
 JOKE TIME
 =========
 What did the BORG SUPREME LEADER say when the Federation sent him
 packing??

I cudda been a container
 ---Q2 (NNKT68B)


=================================
 BORG UNIVERSITY COURSE CURRICULUM
 =================================
 The following topics will be offered at the Terran Campus of Borg
 University.

   101.01 -- ASSIMILATION 101. Basic mindwash and introduction to
 Borg concepts. Core course.
   123.01 -- BASIC BIONICS AND CYBERNETIC IMPLANTS. Guest
 lecturer Lee Majors instructs the class on the proper
 installation and usage of your implants. Required reading
 includes: "Cyborg" by Martin Caidin; "I'm No Fall Guy" by the
 instructor; and "Resistance is Futile: The Technical Manual" by
 Supreme Borg Novellus.
   231.01 -- CUBE DYNAMICS. Construction and maintenance of all
 cubical spacecraft. Core course.
   237.01 -- SPEECH. Proper presentation for a Borg unit when
 addressing the collective. Includes the "I" lobotomy and the
 "capital offense" subtopics.
   237.02 -- SPEECH. Same as above except all classes conducted
 at extreme volumes, in a vacuum, and in Esperanto.
   242.01 -- VILLAINY AND CONQUERING THE UNIVERSE. Core course
 dealing with the proper techniques for oppressing the masses,
 destroying entire races, obliterating planets, extinguishing
 suns, crushing Star Fleet vessels like tin cans, mocking William
 Shatner's toupee, stealing candy from babies, and other generally
 evil behavior.
   242.02 -- VILLAINY AND CONQUERING THE UNIVERSE. Due to popular
 demand we will be running a second section of this course.
 Professor D. Vader instructs this section.
   265.01 -- ALIAS CREATION AND THE IMPACT OF CHOCOLATE PIZZAS
 UPON THE SUBCONSCIOUS MIND OF NEWLY ASSIMILATED UNITS. Discussion
 of "Just how the h*ll did you think of THAT name?"
   301.01 -- HOME ECONOMICS/HOTEL-RESTAURANT MANAGEMENT. Includes
 basic pizza preparation, information on thermal characteristics
 of chocolate, and how to start and administer your own White
 Castle (TM) Hamburger Restaurant.
   496.01 -- "ON BEING...JIFFY". A series of lectures on the
 benefits of being JIFFY. Everyone's being JIFFY these days. Spoo
 your way to happiness and JIFFY all day long. Fulfills arts and
 humanities requirements.
   496.02 -- "ON BEING...CUBEBUSTED". A series of instructional
 seminars on how not to get rooked when you walk into a CubeBuster
 Video (TM) store. Fulfills mathematics requirements.

---Prof. Ghostwriterus of Borg, Founder of Borg University


=============
 ADVERTISEMENT
 =============
    Come on down to SY BORG'S KOSHER DELI AND PIZZA RESTAURANT!!!
 At Sy's you will be treated in good old Brooklyn style ("Hey,
 Snapperhead! Are you gonna order yet?") and be subjected to the
 finest of Kosher Pizza and Chocolate Pastrami sandwiches. (Yes,
 we know that eating chocolate with pastrami sounds kind of sick,
 but just think of our faces when a gentile orders pastrami with
 mayo. THAT'S CRIMINAL!)


=======================================
 EDITORIAL: WHERE THE @#%^! IS NOVELLUS?
 =======================================

A Special Discourse by Professor Ghostwriterus of Borg
 ------------------------------------------------------
   The disappearance of our esteemed leader over the last month
 has led many to believe foul play has been at work. After many
 hours of research we have determined it could be due to the
 following:

   1.  On vacation with the CEO of EXXON.
   2.  Preparing to sabotage the 1992 Democratic and Republican
 conventions with the assistance of the SWANNOX OF BORG '92
 campaign.
   3.  Writing a 15,000 page discourse on "The Nature and Reason
 for the Irrationality of Fifth Season ST:TNG Staff Writers" on a
 manual typewriter.
   4.  "He's fallen and HE CAN'T GET UP!"
   5.  He is attempting to finish the entire L. Ron Hubbard
 "Mission Earth" dekalogy in one sitting.
   6.  Scalping tickets to the Bruce Springsteen/Elton John
 concert.
   7.  Caught in a recursive time loop and hasn't sent a message
 to the future to inform him what to do in order to get out of it.
   8.  THE VERY WORST POSSIBILITY: Prodigy suspended his account
 until his balance was paid in full. Novellus must have subscribed
 to *P on the 10,191 year plan, but didn't realize the
 subscription had to be paid up front.

   Of course, there is another possibility.  Was OXNARDUS, the
 esteemed second in command, part of some foul conspiracy to take
 over the BORG CLUB? Could it be that after interfacing with the
 Nick at Nite master computer she downloaded every episode of
 Patty Duke and it ruined her mind, causing her to become
 psychotic and obsessed with total domination of the universe, and
 not even Novellus could stand in her way? Clearly her position on
 the Borg Supreme Court gave her a taste of such awesome power
 that she was determined to get rid of Novellus once and for all!!
 SHE'S A D*MN COMMUNIST I TELL YOU!! CAN'T YOU SEE THAT SHE'S
 EVIL!! FOR GOD'S SAKE, SHE'S AN ATTORNEY!! THEY ARE ALL A BUNCH
 OF NO GOOD LITIGATING CROOKS!! HEY, YOU GET AWAY FROM ME!!! WATCH
 IT WITH THAT STICK OF YOURS!!!
 AIIIIIIIIIEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!


=================
 EDITORIAL NOTICES
 =================
 The Borg Club is present on commercial national bulletin board
 services and on many amateur bulletin board networks and local
 areas.

=================
 COPYRIGHT NOTICES
 =================
 "RIF" acknowledges that Paramount Pictures and its various
 subsidiaries as having the sole rights to the Star Trek
 trademark. "RIF" has no intention to infringe upon that copyright
 or earn profit from this publication. It is distributed free of
 charge. "RIF" also acknowledges the Prodigy Services, General
 Electric, and NVN copyrights. This newsletter may be distributed
 by anyone if kept intact and not altered in anyway. Consider it
 shareware publishing! Resistance is Futile, copyright (c) 1992,
 1993 by RIF BBS

============================
 BACK ISSUES OF RIF AVAILABLE
 ============================
 Missing an issue? Used your RIF for a place mat or coaster one
 time too many? Just send a self-addressed stamped ($.52) business
 sized envelope to RIF BBS, P.O. Box 7822, Oxnard, CA 93031 and
 that abused issue will be replaced. Please indicate which issue
 you desire.  All back issues are available!


=========================
 ADDRESSES OF CONTRIBUTORS
 =========================
 ANTHRAXUS (XWFV65D)
 Chatworthus (BFSF75A)
 Fraclictus of Borg (FBJF52A)
 GALAHADUS OF BORG (FBGV45A)
 PROF. GHOSTWRITERUS OF BORG (GMDH77A)
 HARTIUS OF BORG (XCPB76A)
 Man of Borg (KKJF30A)
 Marianus of Borg (NRCR88A)
 Q2 (NNKT68B)
 Q-BALL (NKXF19A)
 Superman/Q (VXFK15A)
 SUPREME BORG NOVELLUS (GMDH77A)
 Tormin Kyril (HJVF56A)
 TRICIUS OF BORG\BETA (FMDD39B)
 Unknown Borg (SFVX06A)
 Victor of BORG (BDGC78A)
 Wiggalus (DVFM22B)


                      RESISTANCE IS FUTILE
                  Reprint Issue for Downloading
 [The following newsletter is a special reprint created especially
 for distribution over BBS systems. RIF is the newsletter of the
 "Borg Club", an organization originally only located on the
 Prodigy Network Service from February  1992 to April 1993. It
 expanded into the GEnie Network in May 1993, the NVN Network in
 June 1993, and into various other BBSes and networks from July
 1993. WARNING: The first seven issues of RIF were assumed to be
 read by Prodigy members. All IDs are Prodigy IDs. Many of the
 references are made to Prodigy idiosyncracies.]





Part 1  RIF #4 (08/92)
        _____________       ____________      ____________
     * / R            \   */             \  */             \
    * |  E  ______    |   *\____     ____/  *|     ________/
    * |  S |******|   |    ****|     |***   *| F  |********
    * |  I |     *|   |       *|     |      *| U  |____
    * |  S ~~~~~~~  /         *|  I  |      *| T       \
    * |  T  ____    \         *|  S  |      *| I   ____/
    * |  A |*** \    \        *|     |      *| L  |***
    * |  N |    * \    \   ___*|     |____  *| E  |
    * |  C |      * \    \/               \ *|    |
    * \__E_/        * \___/______________/  *\____/
      *****          **** **************     *****
                          P.O. Box 7822
                        Oxnard, CA 93031

THE OFFICIAL ORGAN OF THE GALACTIC BORG CONSCIOUSNESS
 ISSUE NUMBER 4
 August 1992

RESISTANCE IS FUTILE ("RIF") is published and edited by Oxnardus
 and Ripley for distribution on various national electronic
 services and local electronic BBS echos. Address listings,
 copyright notices, editorial notices, and information on back
 issues are printed at the end of this newsletter. All
 correspondence should be sent by e-mail to Oxnardus or Ripley
 (addresses given at end of newsletter) or mailed to "Resistance
 is Futile", P.O. Box 7822, Oxnard, CA 93031.

=========
 CONTENTS
 =========
 From the Editor-in-Chief
 Messages from the Big Cahuna Emeritus: A Proposal
 Borg Nostalgia: REMEMBER HOW PEEVED SEMENOVICH OF BORG GOT?
 SPOTLIGHT ON SWANNOX OF BORG: BORG PRESIDENTIAL CANDIDATE
 ADVERTISEMENT: Employment Opportunities
 PSYCHIATRIC EVALUATION FOR SERVICE WITH THE BORG SECRET POLICE
 SONG TIME: "WE WISH THEY ALL COULD BE ASSIMILATED BORGS"
 ALIEN PERSPECTIVE: A view from outside the Cube
 BORG TALES: A Serial, Part 4, "We Are Okay"
 BORGS THROUGH HISTORY UPDATE
 BORG SUPREME COURT RULES AND REGULATIONS
 BORG BISTRO RULES
 ADVERTISEMENT: Paid Political Announcement
 BEST RETORT TO A ROGUE BORG
 BORG POLL: How Are You Celebrating the Borgiversary?
 "I, NOVELLUS": Another serial
 BORG SCHOOL OF LAW GRADUATES
 SECURITY PROCEDURES WALKING TOUR: BORG SUPREME COURT
 "BE A BIG CAHUNA FOR 48 HOURS" CONTEST MARGINALLY SUCCESSFUL
 BORG LIBRARY
 ADVERTISEMENT: "I'M PARANOID, HOW 'BOUT YOU?"
 A DAY WITH BSC SECURITY
 BORG AS METAPHOR: An experiment in terror
 NEW POLICY REGARDING BIG BOOK OF BORG
 ADVERTISEMENT: Borg Pro Tech Shun, Ink.
 EDITOR NOTICES
 COPYRIGHT NOTICES
 BACK ISSUES OF RIF AVAILABLE
 ADDRESSES OF CONTRIBUTORS
 BORG CLUB: THE BOARD GAME

========================
 FROM THE EDITOR-IN-CHIEF
 ========================
   Welcome to SUMMER BORGIVERSARY '92.  In celebration of the 6th
 boffo month of the existence of the Borg Club, we humbly present
 the long awaited DOUBLE ISSUE!!!
   Lots have happened in the last six months.  The advent and
 rise of the Borg Club on Prodigy has become the stuff of legends.
 Its popularity remains in many ways an enigma if not a complete
 mystery. Nonetheless hundreds and hundreds of people have logged
 on to see where the Borg Club will take them. Some only read the
 posts, some post occasionally, and others have let the club
 consume their lives. Why? Because the Borg Club is a refuge--a
 place to check in at the door our individual realities and join
 with wild abandon a diverse society dedicated to the noble quest
 of absolute silliness, wackiness, and inanity.
   The Borg Club is a survivor in an environment where cliques
 and clubs form and then disappear or transmute at the drop of a
 hat. The Borg Club has a reputation of being an open social forum
 for all types who can tolerate the Borg shenanigans. It also has
 a grand tradition of tolerance.
   We look forward to the next six months. We hope that the Borg
 Club is still around and true to its original charter of being an
 inviting oasis away from the chaos around us, primarily by
 offering a forum for its members to create their own chaos from
 within.

=====================================
 MESSAGES FROM THE BIG CAHUNA EMERITUS
 =====================================
 [Each issue presents a selection of postings from the Supreme
 Borg Emeritus Novellus.  For this issue we have chosen a proposal
 for reorganizing the hierarchy of the Borg Consciousness--ed.
 chief.]

A Proposal
 ----------
 SUBJECT: BORG CAHUNA SOLUTION
  THIS UNIT HUMBLY SUGGESTS THE FOLLOWING STEPS TO END THE
 CONTROVERSY SURROUNDING HIS VOLUNTARY SELF-REMOVAL FROM SUPREME
 BORGDOM. SINCE MANY UNITS DESIRE A "PIECE OF DA ACTION" PERHAPS
 THE POWER OF THE FORMER POSITION SHOULD BE SPLIT INTO EQUALLY
 IMPORTANT BUT MORE PERSONABLE SUBDIVISIONS.
   THE SUPREME BORGDOM SHOULD BE DIVIDED AS FOLLOWS:
   (1) SUPREME EXECUTIVE BORG: EXTREMELY SIMILAR TO FORMER
 SUPREME BORG POSITION, EXCEPT MORE "EXECUTIVE-LIKE". WE RECOMMEND
 OXNARDUS FOR THIS POSITION.
   (2) BIG BORG ON CAMPUS (BBOC): A SWELL SUPREME ALL-AROUND GUY
 THAT EVERYONE LIKES. IN CHARGE OF ANYTHING FUN. WE RECOMMEND
 CHATSWORTHUS.
   (3) ULTRA-BORG: NOBODY IS EXACTLY KNOWS WHAT THIS BORG DOES,
 BUT WE KNOW HE/SHE IS REALLY IMPORTANT. RECOMMENDATION: WIGGALUS.
   (4) MOST VALUABLE BORG (MVB): THIS IS A WEEKLY ELECTED
 POSITION WHICH, AS A CONSEQUENCE, CHANGES EVERY WEEK.
   (5) ROYAL PAIN-IN-THE-BORG: THIS IS A ROTATING POSITION WHICH
 CHANGES BY GENERAL CONSENSUS WHEN SOMEONE GETS IRRITATING.
   (6) SECRETARY OF ASSIMILATION: ALTHOUGH PEOPLE SOMETIMES
 REALLY PUT DOWN ON SECRETARIES, THIS IS A REALLY IMPORTANT
 POSITION. DUTIES INCLUDE BEING THE BOSS OF PERSONS MANAGING THE
 WELCOME WAGON. RECOMMENDATION:MARIANUS
   (7) SUPREME BORG IN CHARGE OF THE SHEEP DIP: ALRIGHT BRUCES,
 ONE O' YEWSE FELLAS HAS GOTTA MAINTAIN OUR FOOD SUPPLY. REMEMBER,
 TO BORGS THIS IS VITAL. A LOT MORE IMPORTANT THAN IT SOUNDS AT
 FIRST, REALLY BIG STUFF. MONDO IMPORTANTE--AND BESIDES, YOU GET
 TO TAKE THE SPARE PIZZA, COLA DRINKS, AND DIP HOME.
 RECOMMENDATION: TRICIUS.
   (8) SUPREME GRAMMATICAL INQUISITOR: IN CHARGE OF MAINTAINING
 AND ENFORCING PROPER IMPERSONALITY, CAPITALIZATION, SPELLING,
 GRAMMAR AND OTHER PAIN-IN-THE-BORG STUFF. THIS UNIT WOULD GIVE A
 RECOMMENDATION BUT DOES NOT KNOW WHO WOULD TAKE IT.
   (9) SUPREME CAHUNUS-GRANDIOSEUS: YES, THE JOB IS AS TOUGH AS
 IT SOUNDS! INCLUDES LOTS OF TOUGH STUFF, LIKE FLUFFING THE
 PILLOWS AND PUTTING THE DINNER MINTS ON THEM. RECOMMENDATION:
 SWANNOX OF BORG.
   (10) NO. 10. (YES, NUMBER TEN. IMAGINE YOU ARE ON THE ISLAND
 WITH PATRICK MCGOOHAN.): NUMERO-DIEZ IS TENTH IN COMMAND!!!!
 WHILE THIS MAY SOUND PUNY, NO. 10  SECRETLY USES BINARY, AND
 SINCE THEY DON'T PROPERLY KNOW HOW TO USE BINARY, THEY ARE UNDER
 THE ILLUSION THAT IT IS REALLY MUCH FARTHER UP ON THE LIST.
 RESPONSIBILITIES ARE MINIMAL. ANY VOLUNTEERS?
   (11) SUPREME MENTOR. (ME). SORT OF LIKE THE POPE, DOESN'T GET
 TUMORS. REALLY GOOD AT RECOMMENDING STUFF.
 ---NOVELLUS, SUPREME MENTOR AND SUPREME BORG EMERITUS.


==============
 BORG NOSTALGIA
 ==============
 [Borg Nostalgia happily reminisces about those past wild and
 wacky hi-jinks on the Borg Prodigy (tm) boards.  This month
 highlights a mighty miffed Semenovich. -- ed. chief]

REMEMBER HOW PEEVED SEMENOVICH OF BORG GOT
 WHEN THAT UNIT WAS DENIED THE PROSECUTOR POSITION
 AT THE BORG SUPREME COURT?
 -------------------------------------------------

TODAY'S HEADLINES
 +++++++++++++++++
 THE NEW BORG TIMES, DAILY BORG, IL BORGO AND BORG PRAVDA REPORTED
 IN THIS MORNING'S ISSUES:
 "BORG SUPREME COURT SCANDAL"
 "CHIEF JUSTICE DITCHES VETERAN PROSECUTOR"
 "FAVORITISM AND GAVEL LICKING IN BORG COURTROOM"
 "SUPREME COURT LINKAGE TO USED IMPLANTS BUSINESS"
 "SEMENOVICH REINSTATEMENT 24 HOUR DEADLINE'S UP!"
 "CHIEF JUSTICE GOES OVERBOARD, COLLECTIVE IS DEPRIVED FROM THEIR
 ELECTED PROSECUTOR WHO REFUSED TO GROVEL"
 "CORRUPT JUDGE AND EVIL DOCTORS DO AWAY WITH PROSECUTOR"
 "PROSECUTED PROSECUTOR - BEGINNING OF THE END?"
 "MARIANUS NOT ADMITTING FAULT, NEW BORG RIOTS IN LA"
 "FERENGI CELEBRATE THE NEWS, CHAOS ENSUES"
 "Bee/Tee/Que HOME WORLDS ANNOUNCE THEIR CHOICE FOR A BORG OF THE
 YEAR: CHIEF JUSTICE MARIANUS"
 "FISH STINKS FROM THE HEAD, FOUL SMELL IN BSC"
 ---Semenovich of Borg

Spokesborg for the former prosecutor gave a brief interview to
 press:
   "The likes of Semenovich don't kiss axle. He knew too much.
 Many highly positioned units have tried to bribe him to no avail
 (didn't offer enough). Chief Justice herself was the subject of a
 special secret investigation with some startling revelations
 about to be announced. Semenovich's inspection of danubian jails
 was a part of the master plan, a trap of sorts, that worked per-
 fectly. Current buy-off is now 50% or our report will be
 submitted to papers within 12 hours."  Do svidania.
 ---Semenovich of Borg
      __     __  __             __      _____
 |\ | |  |   |   |  | |\/| |\/| |_  |\ |   |
 | \| |__|   |__ |__| |  | |  | |__ | \|   |
 ---CHIEF JUSTICE MARIANUS

ARE YOU SAYING THAT MY ROOMMATE IS CORRUPT???  BOY, YOU WOULD
 THINK A GUY WOULD HAVE NOTICED THIS AFTER ALL THIS TIME!!  I AM
 AVAILABLE FOR INTERVIEWS, THOUGH.  HOW MUCH WILL YOU PAY?
 ---ROBINUS, KNOWS A LOT OF DIRT

PRESS RELEASE:  CHIEF JUSTICE MARIANUS APPEARED BEFORE THE PRESS
 TODAY TO RESPOND TO ALLEGATIONS VOICED BY THE UNIT SEMENOVICH.
 MARIANUS STATED THAT SEMENOVICH WAS NOT CHOSEN FOR THE POST OF
 PROSECUTOR BECAUSE HE NEVER APPLIED FOR THE JOB.  "IT IS VERY
 DIFFICULT TO CONSIDER SOMEONE FOR A POSITION IF WE'VE NEVER HEARD
 OF HIM BEFORE," SAID THE CHIEF JUSTICE.  AS TO THE ALLEGATIONS
 PERTAINING TO GAVEL LICKING, IT IS STANDARD PROCEDURE IN THE BORG
 COURTS.  "HOW ELSE ARE WE GONNA KEEP 'EM CLEAN," ASKED ONE OF THE
 COURT JANITORS.  "IF SEMENOVICH DID NOT KNOW THIS VERY BASIC
 ELEMENT OF THE BORG COURTS, PERHAPS IT IS A GOOD THING THAT HE
 WASN'T HIRED," AN INSIDER WAS HEARD TO REPLY.  DESPITE ALL OF THE
 NEGATIVE PRESS (ALL OF WHICH IS UNCONFIRMED) BY SEMENOVICH
 TOWARDS THE CHIEF JUSTICE, MARIANUS FEELS SYMPATHY FOR HIM.  "HE
 MUST BE VERY MUCH IN NEED OF A COMPLETE SYSTEM DIAGNOSTIC," SAID
 MARIANUS, "I WOULD BE VERY HAPPY TO PAY FOR IT, IF HE CANNOT DO
 SO HIMSELF."
 ---Marianus

============================
 SPOTLIGHT ON SWANNOX OF BORG
 ============================

BORG PRESIDENTIAL CANDIDATE
 ---------------------------
   Swannox is the candidate for the common Borg! He, along with
 his trustworthy female candidate for Vice President, Clueless,
 will rid this country forever of drab politicians who have even
 drabber spouses! (Spice?) This cube of Borg are all fed up with
 Wussh, Perrier, and even Wild Bill! Swannox's platform is simple:
 A pizza for everyone, and everyone for a pizza! Believe in
 Swannox and Clueless; they will do to this government what it has
 been doing to the rest of us for many years! AND THEN SOME!
 ---Chatsworthus of Borg

   LADIES AND GENTLEBORG, THE FIRST BORG PRESIDENT OF THE
 ASSIMILATED STATES OF AMERICA, SWANNOX OF BORG (FLASHING OF
 LITTLE RED LIGHTS):
   MY FELLOW BORG, WE ARE HERE TODAY TO GIVE OUR FIRST OFFICIAL
 SPEECH OF THE CAMPAIGN.  FIRST OF, WE WOULD LIKE TO EXPLAIN THE
 PROPOSED MISSPELLED WORD TICKET.  A % OF THE MONEY COLLECTED
 WOULD GO TOWARD EDUCATION OF BORG, ANOTHER % OF THE MONEY
 COLLECTED WILL GO TOWARD PAYING OFF ANY BORG PIZZA TABS.  THE
 OTHER 90% WILL BE USED TO THROW THE  MOTHER OF ALL PIZZA PARTIES.
   NOW THE REASON WE CALLED THIS PRESS CONFERENCE, WE ARE
 STARTING THE 1000 PIZZA TOPPINGS PROGRAM.  EACH WEEK WE WILL
 AWARD ONE LUCKY BORG WHO HAS CONTRIBUTED TO THE SWANNOX AND
 CLUELESS CAMPAIGN.  WE WILL NAME THE LUCKY BORG THIS WEEKS PIZZA
 TOPPING.  NOW THIS WEEKS RECIPIENT IS.....CHATSWORTHUS OF
 BORG!!!!!!!!! YOU ARE NOW THE PIZZA TOPING OF THE WEEK!  AND THE
 PIZZA TOPPING WE HAVE PICKED FOR YOU IS POTATO(e). YOU ARE NOW
 POTATO CHATSWORTHUS OF BORG. ALL HAIL POTATO CHATSWORTHUS OF
 BORG!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
 ---SWANNOX OF BORG


=============
 ADVERTISEMENT
 =============

Employment Opportunities
 ------------------------
   Thee Jiffy Cube & Pete's A Pal Ice an ounces thee fall owe
 wing openings:

                  Pete's A Pal Ice Die Vision:
   Man Age Oar; As Cyst Aunt Man Age Oar; Chief Chef; As Cyst
 Aunt Chefs; Chief Bar Tend Or; As Cyst Ant Bar Tend Oars; Weight
 Oars; Weight Tresses; Bus Buoys; Bus Gurr Els; Doe Mess Tick Inn
 Gin Ears; Park King At Tend Aunts; Strip Tease Oars (awl sects)

                     Jiffy Cube Die Vision:
   Man Age Or; As Cyst Ant Man Age Or; Mick Can Icks; Body Purr
 Suns; Jan It Tours

           Wee awl sew knead corps oar it purr sun el:
   Corps Oar It Secret Terry; Vice Prez Id Dent; Lee Gull Cow Inn
 Sell; Pub Lick Relate Shuns VP
   App ply or joust claim a Poe sit shun.
 ---TeaBorg, CEO, CFO, COTB.

==============================================================
 PSYCHIATRIC EVALUATION FOR SERVICE WITH THE BORG SECRET POLICE
 ==============================================================

QUESTIONS:
 1) DO YOU HAVE A SECRET DESIRE TO BE HOWARD STERN OR MORTON
 DOWNEY JR.?
 2) WHAT ARE YOUR FEELINGS ABOUT THE DUST BUSTER CONTROVERSY OVER
 POSSIBLE JUNK FOOD VIOLATION RAMIFICATIONS?
 3) WHAT IS YOUR FAVORITE COLOR?
 4) WHEN YOU LOOK AT THIS PICTURE, WHAT DO YOU SEE?
                      *          *
              <<<<*^***^*)   (*^***^*>>>>>
                   ( *((*      *((* )
                      ||        ||
 5) WHAT'S THE FIRST THING THAT POPS INTO YOUR HEAD WHEN WE SAY
 THE WORD "I"?
 6) WE'RE IN JIFFY CUBE WHEN A FERENGI CLAIMING HE HAS AN EAR WAX
 PROBLEM GRABS A Q AND PROCEEDS TO STICK THE Q'S FINGERS IN HIS
 EARS.  WHAT SHOULD WE DO?
   A) RESCUE THE Q AND DETAIN THE FERENGI FOR QUESTIONING.
   B) DISINTEGRATE THE FERENGI.
   C) DISINTEGRATE THE Q.
   D) INVENT Q-TIPS.
 7) WHAT IS THE PREFERRED FORM OF DOVE BAR FOR THE BORG:
   A) WITH ALMONDS.
   B) WITHOUT ALMONDS.
   C) MELTED.
 8) WHEN DEALING WITH TOURISTS WE SHOULD ALWAYS:
   A) OFFER THEM ASSIMILATION.
   B) OFFER THEM PIZZA.
   C) ASK IF THEY ARE HUMOR IMPAIRED AND WANT AN INTERPRETER.
   D) ALL OF THE ABOVE.
 ---TRICIUS OF BORG

Dr. Tricius,
 Here are the results of our test:
 1) I have a secret desire to be (c) Charlie Tuna
 2) Stand on Dust Buster Controversy: Dust busters are great for
 picking uneaten crumbs so that we can sprinkle them over Cookie
 Dough Ice Cream.
 3) Favorite color? Black... silver is a close second.
 4) Pixel Blot Test:  I see two Borgs dancing to an old Silver
 Convention tune.
 5) First thought after seeing the letter "I": Indigestion (burp)
 6) Jiffy Cube Ferengi with ear wax problem:  (e) Help him cram
 the rest of the Q into his ear.
 7) Most preferred Dove Bar: (d) The all new scent brand that suds
 up really good.
 8) When dealing with Tourists...(e) Charge them twice the price!

---Allofus of Borg


===========
 SONG TIME!!
 ===========

"WE WISH THEY ALL COULD BE ASSIMILATED BORGS"
 ---------------------------------------------
 BY: THE BEACH BORGS

WELL, KLINGONS SURE ARE HIP,
     I REALLY DIG THOSE STYLES THEY WEAR.
 AND THE FEDERATION WITH THE WAY THEY DRESS,
     THEY KEEP 'UM CUT WAY DOWN TO THERE.

THE NEWEST FASHION BY ROMULANS
     ALWAYS HAVE THOSE SHOULDER PADS.
 AND THE VULCANS SURE ARE THE ONES TO WATCH
     WHEN KEEPING UP WITH CURRENT FADS.

BUT WE WISH THEY ALL COULD BE ASSIMILATED BORGS
     <wish they all could be assimilated>
 WE WISH THEY ALL COULD BE ASSIMILATED BORGS
     DEE DEE DEE DEE ... DEE DEE DEE DEE...

NOW THE SIMPLICITY OF THE PAKLEDS
     REALLY MAKES US FEEL ALRIGHT.
 AND THE PARTY GIRLS DOWN ON ANGEL ONE,
     THEY KEEP THE MEN IN LINE FOR SPITE.
 THE COMPUTER DEPENDANT BINARS
     ALWAYS DO THEIR THING IN TWOS.
 NOW, THAT MAY SEEM KINDA CROWDED TO SOME,
     BUT NOT A LOT FOR ME AND YOU.

BUT WE WISH THEY ALL COULD BE ASSIMILATED BORGS
     <wish they all could be assimilated>
 WE WISH THEY ALL COULD BE ASSIMILATED BORGS

WELL, SPECIES OF ALL DIFFERENT KINDS
     WILL ALWAYS COME AND GO
 THE FERENGI DUDES ARE A MUTATED FORM
     OF THE ELEPHANT "DUMBO"
 THE Q RACE ON THE OTHER HAND
     HAVE GOT A CERTAIN CHARM
 WE SEE THEM WEARING THEIR LATEST THREADS
     DOWN ON THE FUNNY FARM.

BUT WE WISH THEY ALL COULD BE ASSIMILATED BORGS
     <wish they all could be assimilated>
 WE WISH THEY ALL COULD BE ASSIMILATED BORGS

THE BETAZED ARE COOLEST, MAN,
     THEY'RE RARELY VERY RUDE.
 AND WHAT THE HECK, IF YA MARRY ONE,
     YOU GET TO DO SO IN THE NUDE.
 NOW DATA HE'S A FUNNY GUY
     WHO ALWAYS WILL GO FAR
 BUT HE MAKES US WONDER WHO HE'S SEEIN' NOW
     THAT THERE'S NO TASHA YAR.

BUT WE WISH THEY ALL COULD BE ASSIMILATED BORGS
     <wish they all could be assimilated>
 WE WISH THEY ALL COULD BE ASSIMILATED BORGS
 ---BROUGHT TO YOU BY: TRICIUS O' BORG

=================
 ALIEN PERSPECTIVE
 =================
 [Alien Perspective is a semi-regular forum where hostiles are
 invited to speak their minds about issues which affect or
 interest the Borg.  This issues' perspective is from a Don--ed.]

A view from outside the Cube
 ----------------------------
 By--Don
   Can a non-assimilated lifeform get a fair shake in
 Borgaritaville's court system?  This one didn't.
   Recently I found it necessary to bring a Borg citizen up
 before the Borg Supreme Court on charges of slander.  The
 experience was, to say the least, like running into a wall.
   It all began when one, Chatsworthus of Borg, entered a
 non-assimilated sector and went about his business of trying to
 assimilate a Ms. Goldman, using the tired "canned note" method.
 (A copy of this canned note will be printed in is entirety
 following this editorial)  This canned note contains slanderous
 remarks about Coke drinkers as well as misleading information
 concerning the Borg court system and its hierarchy.  [These
 portions have been highlighted in the canned notes--ed.] Now, it
 is understandable that on occasion, most Borg wouldn't be able to
 name all the members of the Supreme Court.  But Mr. Chatsworthus
 is also an Associate Justice for the very same court!  He tells
 new recruits wrong information about who sits the bench and
 dispenses justice.  You'd think he'd know who he worked with.
 The Coke remarks speak for themselves, and I'm sure Coke
 drinkers will fully understand the reasons behind this editorial.
 You chocolate soda drinkers are beyond trying to convince.
   I asked Chief Justice Marianus for a date to bring Mr.
 Chatsworthus up before the bench.  I was given "Three weeks after
 the next leap year" as
 my day in court.  Now I was forced retain the services of a fine
 (albeit scuzzy) lawyer, who naturally asked the Chief Justice to
 disqualify herself.  A witness was willing to testify that the
 Chief Justice was seen drinking Coke at a concert.  She was also
 violating any lifeforms right to a speedy trial.
   I was willing to put up evidence that the Chief Justice had
 tried to discuss case matters with the defendant prior to the
 trial, and that she even tried to blackmail my attorney by
 releasing details of his sordid private life. None of this was
 heard by the court and I was summarily ruled against.  I also
 received scrambled messages from  the accused admitting to his
 guilt, but you'll just have to take my word on that, as scrambled
 messages cannot be reprinted.
   So my friends, if you are on one with the Borg, and find it
 necessary to go before a Borg court, watch your a**.
   Call me if you need a good lawyer.
   Here's the Canned assimilation speech complete with typo's and
 bad grammar:
                         ARTS CLUB
 Topic:  STAR TREK                                   Time:   07/03
 8:04 PM                               To:     SARAH GOLDMAN
 (CJVW05D)                     From:   DICK FELDMAN  (BFSF75A)
 Subject:  JOKE TIME
   Sarah: Only fanatics and roleplayers? Hardly. There are also
 those of us who enjoy parody and satire. Pepsi, terrible puns,
 and PIZZA!!!! Come on up to the Borg Cubes, and seehow to PAR-
 TAYYYYY!!!! Here's the canned, pre-prepared note: New Assimilatee
 to be: Glad you came! The Borg origionally were from the Star
 Trek Next Generation show, as they were a race of Cyborgs, who
 went around generally being nasty and assimilating every culture
 they encountered into the collective consciousness. We have
 modified the concept ever so slightly. We are the junk-food
 consuming, party animal, gerneral good time Borg! We go from
 galaxy to galaxy eating pizza, chocolate, pepsi (or in fairness
 to other less sophisticated units, coke), dove or/and snickers
 bars, etc etc. MANY OF THE BORG INSIST UPON BEING FORCEFUL AND
 USING ALL CAPS, BUT IT HURTS THIS UNIT'S OPTIC AND OTIC RE-
 CEPTORS! We are loyal to the Supreme Borg Novellus. The "Q" are a
 race of (self proclaimed) omnipotent beings, who generally like
 to make mischief. They are, as we say elsewhere, mostly harmless.
 We have a lot of fun jerking each other around, but there are
 only a few goofs, and they soon tire and go back into the
 woodwork for a month or two. The Oxnardus unit, ID# HCMH17A, is
 the local Welcomecube Borg, and by now even as we
 communicate, is probably contacting you! Concerning baby sitting:
 Many of our units are CONSTANTLY searching for good (read that as
 "cheap") baby sitters, to sit upon their offspring units and
 grant the parental units a moment of respite... Our Presidential
 and Vice Presidential candidates are Swannox and Clueless.
 Swannox is the candidate of the Common Borg, and Clueless is the
 Vice President this cube deserves! Vote Early! Vote Often! Have
 your friends do the same! BTW: We "live" in "cubes", as the
 origional Borg ship was shaped like a very very very very very
 very very very large building block. The Borg Supreme Court, with
 Chief Justice Marianus, Associate Justices Oxnardus and, ahem,
 Chatsworthus, is ready to dispense with justice around here!!!!!
 We were BORGed READY! Also, "life" is never boring around here...
 Climb aborG, we're expecting you! The Borg cube, making another
 run....
 Chatsworthus of Borg
 ---Don Teal

==========
 BORG TALES
 ==========
 A Serial
 Part 4

"We Are Okay"
 -------------
   We regained our consciousness to the sound of a the soft purr
 of a thousand voices.  We slowly opened our eyes and were
 instantly blinded by a thousand points of light.  Great, we
 thought, we had been assimilated by a rogue group of Republicans.
 Here we were, plugged into a convention cube.  Convention cube?
 We paused for a moment.  Plugged in?  The Republicans were known
 to play rough in this sector, but not this rough.  Perhaps it
 wasn't the Republicans after all.
   We tried to remove a crick from our neck but we discovered
 that all of us was attached to a large box-like object secured to
 a wall of a metallic grating.  Very peculiar.  We further noted
 that we were wearing a black leather jumpsuit with microchips and
 tubing hanging out of our torso.  Rather strange.  We glanced at
 our left arm and saw metallic pincers instead of a hand and
 fingers.  Quite bizarre.  As we focused on the objects around us,
 we deduced we had some kind of enhanced eyepiece over our left-
 eye.  Downright odd.  We asked ourselves, why all this mutilation
 of our left organs and appendages?  Why was nothing done to the
 right?  Hmmm, we thought--more Republican trickery?
   The thousand of voices began to focus.  We could distinguish
 murmurings which sounded like "Swannox and Clue in '92" and "The
 delegate from the great Cube of..."  Thoughts dashed through our
 consciousness.  It had to be the Republicans, obviously in the
 midst of an evil plot to force innocent space travellers to
 attend their boring conventions. Or, was it a group of rogue Borg
 Republicans, who were merely mimicking convention behavior from
 instincts honed from times too far back to be conscious memories.
 But, did Republicans exist who liked pizza and snack foods in
 mass quantities?  Or, did they merely manufacture and merchandise
 them?  Our head reeled from all these thoughts.  We felt like our
 head would explode.  Just then, instead of the rather squishy
 sound one associated with a head exploding, we heard an obnoxious
 click.  Instantaneously, our thought processes became clearer and
 we began to process information at an incredible pace.  We were
 absorbing and categorizing data at the same time we were
 perceiving it.  What a rush.
   There were thousands, nay tens of thousands, of other units
 plugged in around us, above us, and below us.  The grating which
 surrounded us and gave us support allowed us to view the masses
 of units.  It was logical to assume that there were even more
 units than we had visual access to.  This place was big and
 packed.  The Republicans were big in this sector, but not this
 big.
   We noted that our left arm, or what used to be our left arm,
 was a tad loose from the box.  We shook and shimmied it for what
 seemed to be hours until it popped out of the plug.  With an arm
 free, we were able to work diligently on the other body parts.
 In our struggle, we saw from a small corner of our eye an item on
 the wall which resembled a low-end dustbuster.  As we moved to
 check for any other body parts that may have been attached to the
 wall, we hit the item with such force that it fell down and made
 a sharp KER-PLUNK.  For about five seconds, all the voices
 stopped.  You could have heard an isolinear chip drop.  It was
 rather disturbing as we had become used to the thousand voices.
 Before we could react to it (let alone appreciate it), a
 deafening WOOGA WOOGA blasted through the cube.  We could hear
 the pitter patter of cybernetic feet jogging towards us.  The
 voices started up and we heard the phrase "Possible junk food
 violation in sector 2X51" over and over again.

Next installment:  Part 5:  "Up the River"

============================
 BORGS THROUGH HISTORY UPDATE
 ============================
 [a running joke]

People
 ------
   Borg, Neils (1885-1962) - Quantum physicist, father of the
 Yugo Drive
   Bourgbon - French royal dynasty; whiskey
   Borgnaparte, Napoleon - French ruler, shorter and smarter than
 most Borg
   Borchgrevink, Carsten Edeborg (1864-1934) - First Norvegian in
 Antartica
   Borglivar, Simon (1783-1830) - Liberator of Latin countries
   Borgtvinnik, Mikhail - Russian chess world champion
   Borgbury, Ray - American science fiction writer, chronicled
 the Martians
   Borgeoisie - Social and economic class of merchants and
 entrepreneurs

Arts and Literature
 -------------------
   Borghemian Rhapsody - Hit by Queen, featured in Wayne's World
   Borglero - Spanish dance; orchestral work by Ravel
   Borgheme, La - Famous opera
   Borghemia, Scandal in - Sherlock Holmes story
   Borgshoi Ballet - Ballet company

Science
 -------
   Borgzoy - Russian Wolfhound, for sniffing out/tracking mobile
 pizza joints
   Borgdae - Reptile family, which includes pythons and boas,
 popular pets
   Borgo Offinalis - Plant, grown for bee feeding; Borg lettuce
 substitute
   Borgaine Minerals - Compounds of borgon and oxygen; Borg
 snacks
   Borgax - Sodium tetraborgate decahydrate (Na2B4O7.10H2S); Mayo
 substitute

Geography
 ---------
   St. Petersborg (Leninborg/Petroborg) - Russian city, cradle of
 revolution
   Brandenborg - German city; Bach (Boargch) concerto
   Borgkhara - Asian region of former USSR, famous for its rugs
   Borglivia - South American Republic, borgered by Borgzil,
 Borgaguay and Borgentina.
   Borglogna - Italian province, famous for its cold cuts
   Borgneville - Prehistoric lake in Pleistocene Epoch; Car, U.S.
 version of Yugo
   Borga-Borga - Polynesian volcanic islands; Borg National
 Anthem
   Borga Peak - Highest point (12,662 ft) in Idaho, popular for
 bungee jumping
   Borgdeaux & Borgundy - Wine regions in France
 ---Semenovich of Borg

========================================
 BORG SUPREME COURT RULES AND REGULATIONS
 ========================================
  1. AS SOON AS A JUSTICE IS APPROACHED ABOUT TAKING ON A CASE,
 THEY MUST INFORM THE CHIEF JUSTICE AS TO ITS IMPORTANCE TO THE
 COLLECTIVE AND WHY THEY THINK WE SHOULD ACCEPT IT.
  2. THE JUSTICE MUST GIVE THE CHIEF JUSTICE ONE DOVE BAR.
  3. THE COUNSEL FOR THE CLIENT WILL BE INDICATED BY THE CLIENT.
 IT IS NOT THE WAY OF OUR COURT TO APPOINT COUNSEL FOR THEM AND
 ANY JUSTICE FOUND DOING SO WILL BE PENALIZED BY BEING LOCKED IN
 THE BROOM CLOSET WITH BEAST DURING DINNER HOUR.
  4. THE COUNSEL MUST GIVE THE CHIEF JUSTICE ONE DOVE BAR.
  5. THE COUNSEL WILL PRESENT ALL OF ITS EVIDENCE IN ONE POSTING.
 THAT MEANS ALL THE EVIDENCE. NO FUTURE EVIDENCE WILL BE ACCEPTED.
  6. THE CLIENT MUST MAKE SURE THAT THEY HAVE TOLD THEIR COUNSEL
 EVERYTHING BECAUSE OF RULE #5.
  7. THE CLIENT MUST GIVE THE CHIEF JUSTICE ONE DOVE BAR.
  8. AFTER THE TWO POSTINGS OF THE COUNSELS, THE JUSTICES WILL
 DELIBERATE AND REPORT BACK THEIR VOTE.
  9. THE DECISION OF THIS COURT IS FINAL. THERE ARE NO APPEALS
 [but lots of dove bars--ed. chief].
  10. SEPARATE FEES WILL BE CHARGED DEPENDING ON THE AMOUNT OF
 WORK THE JUSTICES HAVE TO DO. PEZ IS ALWAYS ACCEPTED.
  11. WHEN THE ENTIRE TRIAL IS OVER, EVERYONE IN THE COURTROOM
 WILL GIVE THE CHIEF JUSTICE A DOVE BAR.
  12. THESE RULES ARE TO BE FOLLOWED AT ALL TIMES. ANYONE
 DEVIATING FROM THESE RULES WILL BE PUNISHED AT THE WHIM OF THE
 JUSTICES.
 ---Chief Justice Marianus

=================
 BORG BISTRO RULES
 =================
  1. WITH THE EXCEPTION OF THE BISTRO BOUNCER, PHOENIXUS, ALL Q'S
 AND OTHER BEINGS WITH GODLIKE POWERS MUST CHECK IN THEIR POWERS
 AT THE DOOR.
  2. IF A UNIT IS TOO DRUNK TO REACH THE BAR, THE BARTENDER WILL
 HELP THAT UNIT TO THE BAR.
  3. UNLESS THE CUSTOMER HAS APPROPRIATE DISCOUNT, ALL PRICES
 WILL BE CUBED AT THE REGISTER.
  4. ANYONE ATTEMPTING TO PICK A FIGHT IN THE BISTRO WILL BE
 TURNED INTO SPAM OR (GOD HELP US) CHICKEN MCNUGGETS. HOWEVER, THE
 PEOPLE IN DISPUTE WILL BE ESCORTED OUTSIDE. AS SOON AS THEY LEAVE
 THE BISTRO, RULE 1 IS VOID.
  5. ANYONE ATTEMPTING TO START A PARTY IN THE BISTRO WILL GET A
 FREE CASE OF THEIR FAVORITE BEVERAGE.
  6. IF A PARTY GETS REALLY WILD, DRINKS ARE ON THE HOUSE.
  7. IF A FOOD FIGHT OCCURS, CREAM PIES WILL BE PROVIDED TO EACH
 SIDE FOR NOTHING.
  8. WITH THE EXCEPTION OF PHOENIXUS, ANYONE WITHOUT A CONSTANT
 PARTY LOOK WILL BE EXPELLED.
  9. ANYONE MAKING FUN OF BILL SHATNER'S TOUPEE WILL BE
 APPLAUDED.
  10. KITCHEN RAIDS ARE ALLOWED WITH A DISCOUNT CARD.
 ---Randinius

============
 ADVERTISEMENT
 ============

Paid Political Announcement
 ---------------------------
   IT IS AMAZING THAT SO FEW PEOPLE REALLY KNOW NOVELLUS. A UNIT
 WHO ONCE COMMANDED FAR MORE RESPECT THAN HE DOES TODAY. SO LITTLE
 RESPECT FOR THE UNIT WHO CREATED YOUR COLLECTIVE.
   THE FANCY NEW "RESISTANCE IS FUTILE" NUMBER THREE WAS
 DESIGNED, EDITED, LAID OUT AND CREATED BY THAT POOR UNIT WHICH
 WOULD BE HAPPY IF HE HAD AS MUCH RESPECT AS DAN QUAYLE OR EVEN
 NIXON. BUT YOU INGRATES DON'T EVEN GIVE HIM THAT MUCH. AT THE
 VERY LEAST HE KNOWS HOW TO SPELL POTATOE.
   THINK ABOUT WHAT THE WORLD WOULD HAVE BEEN LIKE WITHOUT
 NOVELLUS.
     1. NO BORG CLUB. PERIOD.
     2. NO REFUGE FROM AMG AND MTH AND LIKEWISE SYMPATHIZERS.
     3. NO DOVE BARS.
     4. NO PIZZA.
     5. NO SINGLE ORGANIZED PLACE TO GATHER AND MAKE NEW FRIENDS
 ON SCI-FI/STAR TREK. LOOK AT THE OTHER CLUBS; THEY ARE PALE BY
 COMPARISON.
     6. NO OXNARDUS. PERIOD.
   NOVELLUS MADE THE DECISION TO TRANSCEND THE CAHUNAHOOD AND
 BECOME MENTOR, A FAR MORE EXALTED POSITION. THAT'S RIGHT, WHEN
 PUSH COMES TO SHOVE, ITS REALLY HIM THAT RUNS THE SHOW.
   THERE IS NO DOUBT THAT OXNARDUS IS THE BOSS.  BUT EVERY NATION
 WITH A PRIME MINISTER REQUIRES A SUPREME PONTIFF OR A MONARCH.
 THAT IS WHAT NOVELLUS REPRESENTS.
   SO I HEREBY ENACT "THE MOVEMENT TO RE-EXALT NOVELLUS". YOUR
 SUPPORT IS NEEDED TO KEEP OUR CLUB UNITED AND NOVELLUS HAPPY, OR
 LORD KNOWS WHAT HE WILL DO.
 ---GHOSTWRITERUS OF BORG, PRESIDENT OF BORG U. AND FOUNDER OF
 "THE MOVEMENT TO RE-EXALT NOVELLUS"

===========================
 BEST RETORT TO A ROGUE BORG
 ===========================
 BUT WHAT FUN IS THAT? EVERY NEW PLANET IS AN ENTIRELY NEW REALM
 OF PIZZA TOPPINGS, WHAT A WASTE TO DESTROY WHAT WE HAVE YET TO
 COOK.
 --- OLYMPIUS

=========
 BORG POLL
 =========

How Are You Celebrating the Borgiversary?
 -----------------------------------------
 WELL, SINCE THIS IS NO ORDINARY HOLIDAY, I PLAN TO GET MY CHROME
 SHINED, MY LEATHER BUFFED AND POLISHED, AND REPLACE MY OPTICAL
 LENSES WITH THE GOLD RIMMED VERSION. THEN, I WILL PUT ON MY HANDY
 BAR-BE-QUE ATTACHMENT AND COOK 'TIL THE COALS ARE DEAD. THERE
 WILL BE OVERFLOWING CHOCOLATE MILK FOUNTAINS, PEPSI (AND COKE FOR
 CHATS), AND I WILL ORDER DOMINO'S PIZZA SO MANY TIMES THAT THE
 DELIVERY BOY WILL START CALLING ME MOM.  FOR THOSE WHO BECOME
 "PARTIED-OUT", THERE WILL BE BIG FEATHER BEDS WITH DOWN PILLOWS
 AND WARM COMFORTERS. IT WILL BE THE EVENT OF THE DECADE.
 ---Chief Justice Marianus--ALL ARE INVITED, NO ONE TURNED AWAY
 (NOT EVEN DON)

A Borg BALL... billions of borgs boogeying to the Borgles, Borg
 Company, David Borgie, and Borgman Turner Overdrive.
 ---Allofus of Borg, agent to the stars

What I'm doing to help celebrate the Borgiversary is: Publish a
 special issue of Subspace News, one that has all the RIF's in it
 as well as a all the issues of RIF rolled into one.
 ---EX-LAXIUS

=============
 "I, NOVELLUS"
 =============
 Another serial
 Part 1
   ONE DAY, WE WERE WATCHING OUR GRANDCHILDREN PLAY IN THE
 ATRIUM, AND WONDERING WHO WOULD BE THE SUCCESSOR TO OUR HUSBAND,
 CAESAR AUGUSTUS OF BORG, OF ALL OUR GRANDCHILDREN NOVELLUS SEEMED
 THE MOST UNLIKELY- HIS BROTHER FURBALLUS OF BORG SEEMED TO HAVE
 THE NATURAL LEADERSHIP ABILITIES, AND HIS SISTER HARTIUS SEEMED
 LIKELY TO WIN POWER TO HERSELF BY HER SWAY OVER THE OPPOSITE SEX,
 INCLUDING OUR HUSBAND'S GRANDSON BRI-BORG, HIS ONLY MALE HEIR AND
 A BRAVE SOLDIER, BUT NO KIN OF MINE...
   UPON THESE THOUGHTS, AN EAGLE DROPPED A BORGAPOO PUPPY INTO
 NOVELLUS LAP, AND WE KNEW IT WAS TIME TO GET TO THE ORACLE AND
 THE PHARMACIST TO GET THE STORY STARTED...
 ---LIVIA (PLAYED BY OLYMPIUS)


============================
 BORG SCHOOL OF LAW GRADUATES
 ============================
   There were seven graduates from the summer term of the Borg
 School of Law:  Swannox of Borg, Q2, Procrastinatus of Borg,
 Superman/Q, Beast, Mikeus of Borg, and the Master.  Strange as it
 may seem, 57% of the graduating class were not Borg.  43% were
 Borg, 28% were Q, 14.5% was a Beast, and the other 14.5% was the
 Master.
   These graduates of the J.B (Juris Borgae) degree are eligible
 to practice law in the Borg Supreme Court.

================================
 SECURITY PROCEDURES WALKING TOUR
 ================================

BORG SUPREME COURT
 ------------------
  Welcome to the Borg Supreme Court Main Entry. While you are
 waiting in line to pass through the Metal Detector, it would
 behoove you to read and fully comprehend this brochure to ease
 your passage through these hallowed halls.
  FIRST: Any confidential documents which may be in your
 brief-case implants should be removed and hand carried through
 the metal detector while we subject said briefcase implants to
 destructive testing to assure that no bombs or incendiary devices
 are introduced into the courtroom plaza.
  SECOND: All metallic implants, belt buckles, shoes with steel
 shanks, clothing with metal zippers, snaps, buckles, hooks or
 trim, and any metal personal adornment must be removed before
 passing through metal detectors. Clothing and shoes may be placed
 in the lockers behind you. Lock rent is one Frango bar or one
 pint Ben and Jerry's New York Fudge Crunch or one dozen Trader
 Joe's Chocolate Chacmul Chunk Chookies. Items of personal
 adornment must be passed to the Jewelry clerk behind you. DO NOT
 loose your receipt.
  THIRD: No Q, Ferengi or Basher may pass beyond the main foyer
 without an official guard companion ensign. These Ensigns may be
 rented only by forty-eight hour advance reservation and with the
 signature of a judge of this court. Rental fee is one ten pound
 box of Godiva chocolates, non refundable, delivered to the judge
 at the time of application, plus a per diem for the ensign, plus
 any fee the Judge sees fit.
  FOURTH: No food shall be carried into the Courthouse. Pizza
 Delivery in the Courtrooms is available from the BSC catering
 service in the basement. Candy machines stocked with standard
 chocolate products are in each hall, and take all credit and ATM
 cards. Proceeds from both concessions are divided between the
 Chief Justice's Gavel Trust and the Bailiff Benevolent Fund.
  FIFTH: Cola beverages are available through standard Borg Cola
 Outlets throughout the Building. Convertors for non-Borgs are
 sold through the Candy Machines.
  SIXTH: Enjoy your visit to the BSC!
 ---Olympius, Head Bailiff and Lefthand Aide


============================================================
 "BE A BIG CAHUNA FOR 48 HOURS" CONTEST MARGINALLY SUCCESSFUL
 ============================================================
   As part of the Borgiversary '92 festivities, a "Be the Big
 Cahuna for 48 Hours" contest was established in the hope it would
 be fun.  It wasn't. The Big Cahunas chosen were: Swannox (July 2-
 3), Chaotus (July 8-9), Qube (now Wingus) (July 15-16), and Las
 Larius (July 22-23).  It was going to continue until October 1,
 1992, but the collective appeared not to care anymore, since the
 last few Big Cahuna Temps didn't do a darn thing.

============
 BORG LIBRARY
 ============
   The new Borg library opened it's doors with a magnificent
 ribbon cutting ceremony (to which Swannox was not invited). Doing
 the honors was a longtime friend of the head librarian (and inci-
 dentally the highest briber) Dons of the Joke Time Board. After
 several attempts, the ribbon was cut and the doors were opened
 for business.
   Library cards may be obtained by bribing the staff with junk
 food; cokes and pizza preferred. The staff currently is at three
 Borg: Lucretia and Olympius acting as Librarians and Rialtus as
 page and chief bottle washer. The premises are patrolled by the
 canine associates of the Librarians, J. Roverus Borgmatian and
 Guinan.  They also accept bribes in the form of chopped liver.
   There are over 50,000 volumes available for check out,
 including the classics: I Borg, Borg With the Wind, Borg of the
 Rings, Art History of the Borg by HW Jansen and the ever popular
 Red Borg Rising. Other titles may be obtained through bribery.
 There is also an impressive video collection, which includes many
 National Geographic specials, although the pygmy tapes are
 unavailable. Also available for borrowing are CD's, tapes, art
 prints and pizza ovens.
   The doors are always open, be sure to bribe the librarian on
 your way out and don't trip over the page reading in the aisles.
 Always on the look out for more pages to not shelf and have need
 of a children's librarian to ride herd on the little Borgs. Apply
 to Lucretia if interested.
 ---Lucretia Borgia

=============
 ADVERTISEMENT
 =============
   DO YOU HAVE THE FEELING THAT EVERYONE IS OUT TO GET YOU? THAT
 NO ONE LIKES YOU ANYMORE? THAT DAN RATHER IS REALLY LOOKING AT
 YOU THRU THE TV? DEPRESSED? FEELING THAT "THEY" ARE WATCHING YOU?
 THEN YOU ARE THE PERFECT CANDIDATE FOR OUR NEW BOOK, "I'M
 PARANOID, HOW 'BOUT YOU?".
   IN THIS BOOK WE EXPLORE THE EXCITING WORLD OF PARANOIDS AND
 PARANOIA. READ IN DEPTH CHAPTERS LIKE, "MIND ALTERING CONTACT
 CHEMICALS USED IN PRINTING MONEY", TELEVISION - GOVERNMENT MIND
 CONTROL DEVICE OR SATANIC VEHICLE", "HOW _THEY_ USE Q-TIPS TO
 CONTROL US", AND "TINFOIL - 1001 USES".
   ACT NOW AND RECEIVE, AT ADDED COST, OUR PATENTED "BRAINWAVE
 BLOCKER SKULL CAP"(TM). THIS ALUMINUM COLORED, TINFOIL TEXTURED
 CAP GENTLY CONFORMS TO THE CONTOURS OF YOUR CRANIAL IMPLANTS. NOW
 YOU NO LONGER HAVE TO FEAR THE MIND CONTROL WAVES FROM THOSE
 PESKY STOPLIGHTS.
   TO ORDER, PLACE 6 MILLION DOLLARS IN UNMARKED ONE DOLLAR BILLS
 IN A SMALL ASPIRIN BOTTLE AND PLACE BEHIND THE RADIATOR OF THE
 YELLOW AND GREEN JIFFY CUBE PARKED IN THE THIRD SPACE FROM THE
 LEFT AT THE INSTITUTE OF MENTAL HEALTH ON RISA. WE WILL BE HAPPY
 TO FEDERAL DISTRESS YOUR PERSONAL COPY AT OUR CONVENIENCE.
 PLEASE ALLOW 6 TO 20 WEEKS FOR DELIVERY AS WE WILL OF COURSE HAVE
 TO PERFORM THE RITUAL CHANTINGS AND OTHER PURIFICATION PROCEDURES
 ON THE MONEY BEFORE WE WOULD ACTUALLY TOUCH IT. WE MUST WARN YOU
 THAT WE DO COAT THE PACKAGE IN A SPECIAL CONTACT CEMENT THAT
 CAUSES ANYONE WHO TOUCHES IT TO STICK TO IT PERMANENTLY. THIS IS
 FOR YOUR PROTECTION, AS "THEY" MAY GET TO IT IN ROUTE. WE SUGGEST
 THE USUAL PRECAUTIONS UPON RECEIPT OF THE BOOK. (I.E. X-RAY THE
 BOX BEFORE OPENING, BOMB SNIFFING DOGS, SOAKING IN WATER, ETC.)
 IF THERE ARE SEVERAL GUYS STUCK TO IT WHEN YOU RECEIVE IT, THE
 GUYS ARE OUR LITTLE "WELCOME TO THE CLUB" BONUS GIFT. KEEP AND
 ENJOY.
   DUE TO THE MATURE SUBJECT MATTER, YOU MUST SIGN A WAIVER
 STATING YOU ARE OVER THE AGE OF CONSENT IN THE ARKANSAS OZARKS.
 ALL RIGHTS RESERVED. VOID WHERE PROHIBITED BY LAW.
 ---RUBBERUS CHECKUS, author and resident paranoid

=======================
 A DAY WITH BSC SECURITY
 =======================
   Olympius and Wazzuus arrive early every  morning, having drunk
 a ten cup pot of espresso and eaten raisin toast spread with
 Nutella. This morning, as usual, they check all external doors to
 the BSC [Borg Supreme Court] Temple of Justice to be sure they
 are locked and sealed, first checking from the outside, then
 opening the main doors and checking the inside seals and bolts on
 all the other doors. This morning, as usual, the doors are all
 sealed and bolted, and there is a trail of peanutbutter,
 strawberry jam, and black olive pizza crumbs from the Broom
 closet to the Metal Detector. Wazzuus checks the broom closet-
 empty this time, but Lead BSC Janitor Lucretia and Olympius have
 both spent time bound, gagged, and locked in this closet-
 Olympius by one or the other of the Dons, before the security
 procedures were fully in place, Lucretia by a yet unidentified
 perpetrator- probably the same entity which persistently
 besmirches the carpet with pizza crumbs and befouls the metal
 detector with crusts of the same peanut butter, strawberry jam,
 and black olive pizza.
   Olympius is checking out the Metal Detector, an Aerowhack 1080
 B model newly purchased at the court's inception and still not
 entirely functional. Every evening, Lead Janitor Lucretia removes
 peanutbutter, strawberry jam, and black olive pizza crusts from
 the machine, and every morning Olympius must laboriously
 recalibrate the main resonator module by testing it against the
 Parenting Practices and Gardening board in the Homelife club.
   This calibration only sets the normal parameters; a full
 calibration requires extensive testing against the profiles of
 beings posting on the Star Trek and science fiction boards, but
 because of time constraints and because of the immense crowds
 attending the seminal Tea vs Bean trial, the Metal detector is
 only useful for locating concealed weapons on entities wearing no
 other metal.
   There are litigants thick on the ground outside the main door
 by the time Olympius has the Metal Detector recalibrated. There
 is a mad rush to the metal detector as soon as the door is
 opened.
   One can tell whose been to the BSC before; they are wearing
 sweat suits or loose dresses with no metal fittings, no underwear
 containing metal, and moccasins- this casual look is greatly
 preferred by most lawyers and clients to the extremely casual
 look of the unprepared, who must check all clothing containing
 metal in the outer hall. All papers are hand-carried; experienced
 litigators carry theirs in string bags to keep them from flying
 about the hall every time the doors are opened.
   When the first flood of seekers after justice has flowed to a
 trickle, Wiggalus, who maintains her touch with the common people
 by acting as second courtroom bailiff, and Olympius, Chief Jus-
 tice Marianus's left hand aide and stooge- ah, foil, yes, foil,
 head for the courtroom, majestic in their black uniforms among
 the naked and the laid back.
   Maintaining order in the courtroom proper is usually the easy
 part of each day- not only has the tight security at the entrance
 kept the dangerous loonies out, but the courtrooms are kept at  a
 temperature which minimizes melting of the judicial Dove bars,
 and people find themselves becoming very friendly through the
 need to conserve body heat.
   Occasionally Q, Ferengi, or bashers are led into court by
 their escort ensigns, causing a slight flurry, but mostly the
 court procedures- gavel licking, greasing the wheels of justice
 with Dove Bars, grovelling and pleading but NO WHINING proceed
 smoothly. Whiners are fined two Snickers bars, or two Milkyway
 Dark, or one dove bars, payable immediately to the Bailiffs
 Benevolent fund and the Justice Gavel Trust.
   Court adjourns for the day at 4:30, and all unauthorized
 personnel must be out of the building before 5:00. to give the
 Bailiffs time to pick up unclaimed clothing and briefcases for
 sale in the Bailiff's Benevolent Fund and Justice Gavel Trust
 Thrift Shoppe.
   Court personnel then gather in the BSC cafeteria to disburse
 the days junk food accumulation and disburse it according to the
 rules of the Bailiffs Benevolent fund and Justice Gavel Trust.
   A security sweep of the entire building then proceeds, and all
 exterior doors are locked, bolted and security sealed. Lucretia,
 looking stunning in her janitorial implants and blue  evening
 dress, meets the Bailiff Staff and passes into the building. One
 day ends and another begins.
 ---Olympius

================
 BORG AS METAPHOR
 ================
 (an experiment in terror)
 [although not too humorous, we were nevertheless impressed with
 the many voices that were heard in the subject "Borg As Metaphor"
 which appeared in the Star Trek Board on Prodigy from July 18 to
 23, 1992 --ed. chief]

   Okay you guys and gals out there in  borgland ...it was bound
 to happen...a request for a serious discussion. Are we all
 sitting down yet?
   The subject of inquiry:  What does the Borg represent on STNG?
 Are they a metaphor for fascism? Or for organizations which
 demand homogeneity? Do they symbolize the 19th century
 colonialist frenzy? Or a 1984-ish Orwellian totalitarian night-
 mare? Do the Borg represent a vehicle for us to view our own
 prejudices and societal reactions to things that are at first
 blush different? Or are they merely the mirrors of the writer's
 own societal or personal prejudices and mores?
 ---Just thoughts, Oxnardus

   Oxy...excellent... and may I just jump in here and say that I
 think the Borg symbolizes an alternate path for man, where the
 machine takes over the man. Ideally man and machine should work
 in synergy...i.e., the sum is greater than its parts ... but the
 Borg, seem to be so cold, so ... Androidish ...<grin!>  Be that
 as it may... I love dem Borgs!
 ---Havoc Primus of Borg

   I'm not sure that "racist" is the right term. They [the Borg]
 will assimilate anybody.  It was more like a branch of the issue.
 You must conform to OUR specifications or you are irrelevant, ex-
 pendable, Pond Scum!  Actually, that is kind of Hitler-like in a
 way.  But I found the "I Borg" episode somewhat symbolic.  If we
 could introduce the concept that "Individuality" is acceptable
 and encouraged in real life we'd all have a more peaceful planet.
 To have all understand that their culture should be something to
 be proud of, without criticizing others. To not look at someone
 and see the color of their skin, what god they believe in, what
 their income level is, etc.
   If we are to ask if the Borg are racist, we must also ask that
 of the Q, the Romulans, and also those little light beings who
 call humans "ugly bags of mostly water."  I think Star Trek is
 intentionally throwing in ways of being racist in that they use
 many examples which cause us to sit back and think "Hey, now THAT
 sounds familiar!" Funny, though, the characters that think that
 way are usually considered villains.
   Tonight we are seeing the episode of TNG where Riker falls in
 love with one of the J'naii, an androgynous race that doesn't
 believe in male-female relationships. Sound familiar folks, in a
 reversed kind of way? The idea of racism or really PREJUDICE in
 TNG and TOS, for that matter, opens up a vast can of worms. Maybe
 we should pay more attention to the real message, and not start
 throwing  the blame at TV shows...but at ourselves.
 ---Tricius

   We have been rereading Le Guin's "The Dispossessed" again, and
 was struck with the thought that every human society, no matter
 what the theoretical basis, degenerates into a government sooner
 or later. We think that someone mentioned how the Borg may have
 been the logical descendants of modem users like us, who ended up
 loosing individuality in the increasing efficiency of mind-to-
 mind communication.
   It's possible the Star Trek writers are using the Borg as a
 metaphor for all single-minded organizations, from the
 Unification Church and Operation Rescue to PETA and Earth First-
 We dunno, have to think on it.
 ---Olympius, cogitating

   The STNG Borg could be the 24th Century version of Hitler.  As
 Locutus said in "Best of Both Worlds Part II", "You all will be
 part of the New Order" or something like that. Germany thought
 that they were the master race. The Borg are trying to build the
 Master Race.
 ---Swannox

   I think that the Borg represent all that we hope we will not
 become: non-individuals. The government has, for so long,
 controlled many aspects of individuality. Everyone today has been
 reduced to a number. We can probably call ourselves by our Social
 Security Number for all the government cares. Even my patients at
 our clinic are bar coded. "Did you do patient 34594, yet," may
 not be too far in the future.
   Our lives are becoming controlled by computers: they tell us
 when to stop and go at intersections, when our cars need
 attention, when a bill is due, and how much that loaf of bread
 costs at the supermarket. The Borg have taken that to the extreme
 by having the entire populace controlled by a central computer
 that probably even tells them when to visit the little boys room.
 The Borg represent what could be a computer society gone wrong.
 All creativity has been wiped out for the sake of efficiency. I
 just saw an advertisement the other day that offered a device
 that lets you copy a
 photo "without any artistic talent required." You take away the
 creative element and you are left with nothing but robots
 coloring inside the lines. ---Marianus

   The idea that one can actually be making a statement by
 calling something or someone "racist" is sadly misinformed.
   Our culture has been going into a newspeak stage for sometime.
 People joke about it, but it has frightening consequences.  The
 use of the term "racism" is an example.  What do people mean when
 they use that term?  Do they mean the entire concept of the Borg
 is racist?  Do they mean the execution of the idea is racist?  Do
 they mean the writers are?  The producers are?  That society is?
 Or that they feel there are not enough black actors playing the
 Borg?  I would like theses issues to be defined.
   Anyways, off my tangent, you are proper in viewing the Borg as
 symbolic.  They are the products of imagination.  They were
 created to entertain, but also to tell us a little bit about what
 the writers, producers, director, actors, etc. wanted to express.
 As true of all successful art, the created transcends the
 creator.  The creator becomes independent from the creator and
 becomes meaningful to others in ways the creator could never have
 imagined or even contemplated him or her or themselves.
   In some ways, the fascist/Nazism analogy limits the Borg
 symbolism.  Some have seen it as the classic "Individual vs.
 Society" archetype, others as "Technological vs. Biological", and
 still others as "Nature vs. Nature".  By blindly calling the Borg
 "racist" or "fascist", a person is limiting themselves and is
 probably missing the point, don't you think?
 ---Oxnardus (in response to Tricius)

   We don't remember the name of the book [Vacuum Flowers], but
 our spousal unit read a novel about 16 months ago where it
 explored the tensions between earth and its colonists.  The earth
 people had begun to interface directly with computers and found
 this a better way to do things.  The people of earth basically
 became part of one huge computer network. The colonies in outer
 space, on the other hand, thought this was horrible and inhuman.
   It dealt with the same idea, the good of the individual versus
 the good of the society.  We have that idea fighting it out here
 on the planet now, in microcosms such as religious and political
 organizations; and macrocosms as in governmental philosophies and
 practical applications.
 ---Oxnardus [in response to Olympius]

   It was interesting in "I Borg" that an attempt was made to
 show the Borg experience from a Borg's perspective. Although all
 the thematic material was there before hand (laid out quite
 nicely in "Best of Both Worlds"), it took "I Borg" to put it into
 perspective.  Also (we were watching "Q-Who, last night), we
 found Guinan's conversation with Picard at the end of "Q-Who"
 very illuminating.  She said that the Borg might eventually want
 to interact with the Federation, but not as they were then.
 Prescient wasn't she? The "I Borg" episode laid the groundwork
 for that potential reality (like "Errand of Mercy" laid the
 groundwork for the Klingons joining in the Federation).
   Anyways, the Borg were presented in a way calculated to glean
 sympathy. True they were considered vicious, soulless and evil by
 the humans, but the Borg were just operating as their nature led
 them.  As an analogy of the insect world (which, we think it is
 obvious that the Borg were primarily conceived of using an insect
 social design), a hapless victim of ants feels the same way about
 their captors. However, nature is violent.  There are animals
 (including man) who go around eating up other animals with no
 thought whatsoever of the feelings of the other. The Borg are in
 some ways more humane, because periodically, they don't kill off
 everyone --they sometimes assimilate the body as well. The Borg
 are really only after the technology.  They care not a whit about
 the body, the soul, etc. But does this make them evil?  Yes and
 no.  No, because this is their nature and they're acting on it.
 Yes, because Hugh has shown that their nature can be modified.
 Once a living creature's behavior can be modified by its own ini-
 tiative (that is, by its own conscious choice), then the idea of
 morality, spirituality, and evil come in. That is why "I Borg"
 has changed the whole Borg universe. That was why Picard could
 not give the order to destroy them.  Suddenly, the Borg were
 "people". True, nasty, offensive, and dangerous; but people
 nevertheless.
   That is why we find the analogies of the borg to Nazis to be
 in someways superficial.  First, the Nazis were a historic social
 phenomenon.  The Borg are the fictitious creation of a few human
 minds.  As most art, the Borg can be viewed as a
 literary and visual metaphor for aspects of our culture. The
 Nazis, because of their reality, is not an inviting topic for
 satire and humor, unless it is implicit in the humor to show
 society's disapproval of that social movement and the results
 created from following it.  The Borg, however, are ripe for such
 humor and satire, since the Borg is a metaphor and not reality.
 The fact that the Borg Club members are satirizing the Borg
 appears much more healthy to us than if the Borg Club members
 were trying to emulate them.
 ---Oxnardus (in response to Havoc Primus)

   Well, the Nazis were obsessed with political order and
 political power.  The STNG Borg could care less about such
 things.  Further, they have no wish for a Master Race, they just
 wish for one race. A Master Race implies minor races. The Borg
 just want technology and enough Borg to keep it going.
 ---Oxnardus [in response to Swannox]

   Hmmm.  Well, Borg assimilate as a way of expanding their race,
 as heightening all species' quality of life (that's what they
 said...) and as a way to learn all about that species. (this is
 the optimistic view of them)
 ---Pinacoladus

   I get tired of seeing all these accusations on the board by
 bashers, and wonder if they practice what they preach.  Maybe
 they just get bored and grab at straws.  I think they should
 spend more time looking at the inside issues seriously, instead
 of using the problem as an excuse to raise a fuss and making the
 issue sound trivial in the process.
 ---Tricius

   We have seen "Borg" units in other science fiction books. In
 Fred Saberhage's "Bezerkers" - these units were left over from a
 great galactic war and were mindless machines who ran rampaging
 through the universe destroying "life."  But the analogy to the
 "Bezerkers" is not perfect...
   Another "Borg" Unit populates Gordon R. Dickson's "Hellstrom's
 Hive."  In Hellstrom, they were a "collective" based on the
 Honeybee...and basically had a few major goals (1) create other
 "Hives" and (2) to grow and multiply.  The unique thing about the
 Hellstrom units were that it was the Humans who were endangering
 their lives and their way of life. Suffice it to say that the
 Hellstrom Units in the end were successful, as always, when
 superior organization meets with inferior collectives.
   But the Bezerker Units and the Hellstrom Units are sorta like
 two sides of the Main Borg units of the ST:NG universe.  By the
 by, EE Doc Smith also had "Borg units" but were called the
 "Cholorans." Anyway... throughout the Sci Fi realm there are many
 of our brothers and sisters populating the various mediums.  Why
 is that?
   We believe that humans have a certain insecurity about being
 "alone."  In all of Humanity we see that they seek companionship
 most often and if they have no friends... soon wither and die.
 We believe that Humanity is a more primitive form of the Borg.
 Now...we will support our proposition.  As said before, Humanity
 seeks to integrate itself in their own way into a Borg
 collective.  We see their primitive communication devices called
 "television" which is an organizing tool for the Humans. Very
 similar to a collective mind.  We see many Humans being turned
 into zombies (an inferior form of Borg) by watching TV.  We see
 this as distressing because we see the talents of single and
 individual human units (which would be useful to the collective)
 be dulled and destroyed.
   Analogies to the Nazis are indeed flawed because Nazis did not
 assimilate, they destroyed. The borg are very much akin to
 insects, but with a key distinction, they are highly evolved
 social creatures that cannot survive, Hugh excepted, "Alone."
   Back to Borg as a metaphor, we truly believe that Borg
 represents to humanity an alternate organization to the ruckus of
 current life.  There are two structures, totally integrated and
 totally structured, or pure chaos.  We think Humanity is always
 trying to impose structure on disorder, and in that sense Borg
 are the structure which Humanity lacks.
   As for satire... like we say... deep dish pizza, ice cold
 Pinacoladus er... we mean a DRINK! which is ice cold and we Borg
 are pretty harmless....
 ---Havoc Primus of Borg

   Everyone has been talking about the Borg as a technological
 omen or as a historical look back to the age of Nazism and
 Fascism.  But I invite you to go back further. Picture it, 1907.
 And young and enterprising (pardon the pun) young man follows the
 ideas of one Karl Marx.  A new world order is formed, where all
 are similar to each other and all work for the collective good.
 Of course, I am talking about the beginning of the Soviet Union.
 Slowly, as time goes on, other nations are absorbed, or rather
 assimilated, into the Union. Nation by nation, the power of the
 USSR was growing. All the while, people that are born into this
 society are accustomed to their system of government and their
 comrades.
   Generations go by, each generation losing the yearning for
 freedom.  That is, until the 1980s. A seed of freedom was planted
 in Eastern Europe. From this seed, the plant of Freedom bloomed,
 first breaking down the Berlin Wall, then releasing the nations
 of Europe and the Baltics. Finally, the whole system of Communism
 is toppled, all because of yearning for Freedom.  This same seed,
 Freedom and Individuality, was planted by the Enterprise crew in
 the show "I, Borg."  We may yet see the Borg as allies to the
 Federation, as the present Russia is swiftly becoming.
 ---Rialtus

   LIKE WE STATED IN A PREVIOUS POSTING, WE BELIEVE THE BORG TO
 REPRESENT THE EUROPEAN AND CHRISTIAN COLONIZATION OF THE
 PLANET... A PROCESS THAT CONTINUES TODAY. THE EUROPEANS SOUGHT TO
 EXPLOIT THE KNOWLEDGE AND RESOURCES OF OTHER RACES
 IN ORDER TO BENEFIT THEIR OWN.  AT THE SAME TIME, THE CULTURES OF
 THOSE "ASSIMILATED" SOCIETIES WERE FOREVER CHANGED. THIS SEEMS TO
 BE EXACTLY WHAT THE BORG ARE ABOUT.
 ---Allofus

   Labels of any kind limit discussion- we can stop thinking
 about something the moment we get it sorted into its pigeonhole,
 and start complaining about it instead. A label gives you
 something which you can scream at the top of your lungs, a
 metaphor something to contemplate quietly.
   The Borg club is a metaphor for something, to the tendency for
 human beings, no matter what the government, no matter what the
 theoretical structure, to act like human beings, concerned mostly
 with food, drink, play and gossip. There's a great scene in John
 Brunner's "The Stone that Never Came Down" where soldiers ready
 to go to war undergo a conversion experience and become friends-
 the first thing they do is compare wine and cigarettes.
   One has to wonder what the TNG Borg DO all the time- a
 technology which truly used the human brain in a parallel network
 would work so fast that there would be a lot of down time (Anne
 McCaffrey's shell people and Frank Herbert's
 Navigators ran ships with ONE human brain, although highly
 modified). Now, it is possible to say that my inability to see
 what they could do is a result of the limited human intelligence
 not being able to perceive the necessities of busy-ness in a more
 highly evolved race. However, the more I think of it, the more I
 realize that hive societies are usually non-intelligent because
 they are so efficient that brains would be a waste of calories.
 Human societies, when they are supporting themselves through
 efficient and elegant subsistence systems like hunting and
 gathering or low tech-agricultural systems, spend most of their
 time taking naps, telling stories, dancing and snacking. The
 Industrial Revolution freed us to make too much stuff and have
 too little time to party- the TNG BORG may well be the ultimate
 result of that trend, and the Borg Club represent nature's
 rebellion.
 ---Olympius, and if you doubt our analysis we can get you the
 citations about the activity patterns of industrialized vs non
 industrialized societies

   PERHAPS IT WAS BOUND TO HAPPEN,......ONCE.  WHAT'S THIS PAIN
 INFLICTING SOUL SEARCHING AND GUILT RIDDEN FLOOD OF WELL
 CONSTRUCTED AND SUPERIORLY INTELLECTUAL PHRASES AND...HMM..
 METAPHORS??? TOO MUCH FREE UPTIME? A NEED TO CORE DUMP? ARE THE
 BORG BORGED?
   THIS UNIT WILL ATTRIBUTE THIS EMOTIONAL MALFUNCTION OF SOME OF
 THE COLLECTIVE INVOLVED HERE TO ATMOSPHERIC DISTURBANCES AND
 MAGNETIC ANOMALIES PRESENT IN THIS TOPIC, THAT REMAINS NOT FULLY
 ASSIMILATED BY BORG, TO WHOM IT'S STILL AN ALIEN TERRITORY. NOT
 FOR LONG.
   WHERE IS THAT BEACH BOYS CD AND WHY IS OUR PEPPERONI GREEN?
 AFTER ALL, RESISTANCE IF FUTILE, RIGHT?
 ---Semenovich of Borg, knows very well who started this, ABC.

   After reading that statement, I now have different views
 concerning the meaning of the Borg, This note comes after my
 first response to you, I read only notes to my ID first, thus
 when I started reading all the other notes, I see Borg are Ra-
 cist. I see then that the note in an unknowing way mocks my
 original post. I can see however that labeling them as such
 limits there effectiveness. Enough of my rambling!
 ---Swannox (in response to Oxnardus)

   Well instead of the elimination of inferior races, they
 assimilate them!  Assimilation could be a form of political
 order, all that are not of Borg are assimilated.  Locutus said
 that all the borg want to do is improve mankind, something like
 that, I don't have a copy of BOBW.  I could be wrong, but Hitler
 was the first thing that came to mind! --Swannox (in response to
 Oxnardus)

   Well, we don't think of them as racist; more as
 anti-individualists.  Racists traditionally isolate the races in
 order to elevate their own.  The Borg care nothing of other races
 and therefore elevation is irrelevant (to use a catchy phrase).
 Racism is irrelevant to the Borg because they do not favor one
 race over another.  Infact, they are not even a race (or specie
 for that matter) since they can assimilate and procreate whatever
 they want by their technology.
 ---Oxnardus (in response to Swannox)

   Our spousal unit and us had a discussion about this topic and
 our husband's point of view was very similar to yours. His view
 of the Borg is much more understanding than mine. He, too, see's
 the Borg as a potential and not necessarily innately evil.  He
 felt that the "I Borg" episode supported his theories of the
 Borg.
 ---Oxnardus (in response to Havoc primus)

   First, Hitler was real; the Borg are an artistic statement.
 Second, Hitler was a human, formed by his environment, culture
 and history; the Borg were formed as a concept in human minds to
 express some kind of horrible lifeform for the Enterprise crew to
 encounter. They wanted an especially vile one, at that.  In their
 search of societal jungian symbols, they used many.  Yes, Hitler
 may have been one of them, but by far not the only one or even
 the primary one. There are elements of insect order, collective
 consciousness, cybernetic technology, 19th century imperialism,
 fear of the unknown, black leather, being ignored, being over-
 whelmed by the majority, etc.  All these ideas and more are
 present in the Borg metaphor, and all have scary connotations in
 modern society.
 ---Oxnardus (in response to Swannox)

   i have seen many people talk of the star trek borg and the *p
 borg as if they were the same.  i think everyone must realize
 that all of us would be the same if this were the ferengi club.
 chats would still hate caps, oxy would still be the head honch,
 i'd still be...me.  think on it.  this note is to "all".
 ---BEAST

   Since you put it that way!  I agree.
 ---Swannox (in response to Oxnardus)

   ALL RISE!!! The honorable Chatsworthus of Borg is now entering
 the courtroom....
   We have read the note, and all of the replies, with GREAT
 interest. We appreciate the eloquence of Oxnardus (who spelled
 everything correctly w/o the spellchecker, according to our optic
 implants), Tricius and Marianus (who as usual got right down to
 the kernel of the matter), Swannox, (who REALLY should be
 elected), and the new (to this unit) unit Art Orejudos (sp?), who
 also expresses thought with crystal clarity....
   Oxnardus made a BRILLIANT point in her reply posted 7/19 @
 5:28 PM, when she said that it is far healthier that we SATIRIZE
 the Borg as we do, than attempt to EMULATE the culture. There is
 a VERY large difference here! For this particular unit, who is
 also Jewish, as if you hadn't guessed), we find great pleasure in
 the totally off-the-wall stuff going on here. We enjoy the
 companionship of SENTIENT beings, either in person or on the
 boards, AND THAT'S IT!! We occasionally enjoy deep discussion, as
 it keeps the cranial internal implants from getting rusty, but
 what bothers us a little here, is that we were guilty of thinking
 that the basher who suggested the nonsense that we are, forgive
 the ridiculous expression, "racist", was just trying to make his
 usual trouble, and could care less about what we, or any
 THINKING being, think.... He is no more interested in a serious
 discussion than Hitler was. We reiterate Mark Twain's (Sam
 Clemens') statement that trying to teach a pig to sing will
 accomplish nothing, and only annoy the pig. Now THERE's a
 metaphor (simile?) for you!!!!!
 ---Chatsworthus, rational.

   CHATS, THAT WAS BASICALLY WHAT WE SAID OURSELVES IN REPLY TO
 THE FIRST NOTE, ALTHOUGH WE WERE PROUD FOR THE COLLECTIVE'S
 ABILITY TO CARRY SUCH MINDBORGLING DISCUSSION, THOUGH PERHAPS FU-
 TILE.
 ---Semenovich

   Good for you for satirizing the Borg, I think it is a much
 healthier trend than trying to emulate them.  I think both sides
 on this issue have made good points, though (the little I have
 seen, I am not an expert on this debate by any means).  It would
 certainly be a better course than some of the seriousness I have
 seen in regards to the Borg "lifestyle".
 ---SANDRA DOZIER

   Ignoring the so-called "bashers" (And of course by giving them
 such a title and then disdaining them, one commits what could be
 considered a form of racism) will not solve anything.
   It must be considered that some of them may actually want an
 intelligent discussion; assuming that certain people do not
 simply because of who they are is prejudice. For that matter, it
 should not be relevant (pardon the borgism) whether they want an
 intelligent discussion. If the subject is interesting, everyone
 else is going to want one.
   Furthermore, if one is merely being malicious, why? Everyone
 here has been angry, and there was always a reason.  Can someone
 be innately evil?  I don't believe so, but if they were, could
 they be blamed?  It isn't fair to brush someone off simply
 because they annoy or irritate you.  I know we do get angry
 sometimes, and sometimes we just can't deal with someone who
 annoys us.  But on Prodigy, it is easy to wait until one has
 cooled off before responding.  Ignoring a person or giving an
 angry response merely adds fuel to the fire.  That fuel is our souls.
 ---E Pluribus of Borg

   Bravo! To one and all!
   This is the type of stuff I was hoping to see on this BB all
 along!  So good, in fact, that I really have nothing to add
 (isn't that strange?).  To Oxnardus [sp?], great job of bringing
 out the right issues, keep it up!  I did use the word "emulate"
 in my reply to another note on the subject, and you are right
 "satirize" is better, so I hereby take it back. Here's hoping all
 your Borgs are good ones!
 ---New Admirer of the Borg---SEH [SCOTT HARRIGAN]

   Scott, let me add my admiring voice to yours!  I'm new to *P*,
 having lurked around this sector for about four months (as well
 as the Classical Music BB). I am SO impressed by the collective's
 intelligence, humor and maturity!  Truly the 'best of ALL
 worlds'.  How can I be assimilated?  Would
 the collective accept a lurker-come-lately?  Is there a Borg
 on-line charge once I'm plugged in?  Do implants only come in
 basic black?  Will these 'deep' discussions continue to invade
 the happy anarchy of Borg-dom to leaven the (pizza-dough) mix?
 This prospective unit, desiring a balanced mental diet (left- and
 right-brain nourishment, y'know) hopes so!  I await further
 instructions.
 ---Sharoney [SHARON MAHONEY]

   Oxnardus: Thanks for the enlightening excerpt.  I know I am
 not at all bored when I watch an episode with the Borg.  But it
 is interesting to see the quiet way they go about things, and I
 think that is what gives them their creepiness, if you will.
 ---SANDRA DOZIER   (TGDM58A)

   Even before my entry into this club, I have been fascinated by
 the Borg. I have found the Borg episodes consistently the best
 STNG can muster.  And the Borg, of course, is a uniquely 90's
 villain. I doubt the audiences of the 1960's would have gotten it
 about the Borg.
   A quote from Rick Berman in the article I cited before "One of
 the reasons the writing staff avoided doing Borg shows was that
 it was tough to pit the Enterprise against an omnipotent, unbeat-
 able entity and stay alive for another episode."
   Berman's observation is very apparent in Best of Both Worlds.
 The brilliance of "I Borg" is that they approached the Borg from
 a completely new angle...that is, made them sympathetic.  BOBW
 painted them as complete monsters.  "I Borg" showed that humans
 can relate to them.  "I Borg" was one of the best statements Star
 Trek, old or new, has made regarding the intricacies and practice
 of prejudice.  "I Borg" went so far as to offer an antidote as
 well.
   The four Borg episodes of STNG are some of the best drama
 created on television in the 1990's.
 ---Oxnardus, in a singular mood

   Sheesh, this is getting too much like work.  I want to go back
 to the good old silly days when I didn't have to worry about this
 stuff.  The world is messed up.  That's a given.  Let's just not
 mess up the Borg Club.  I need some place to play.
 ---Oxnardus, in another singular mood

=====================================
 NEW POLICY REGARDING BIG BOOK OF BORG
 =====================================
   In previous RIFs, the Big Book of Borg has been printed within
 the newsletter.  With this issue we will begin a new policy
 whereby the list will be sent with RIF, but will be separate from
 it.  To celebrate this exciting new editorial policy, we have
 included on the verso page, Marianus of Borg's board game.
 Enjoy.

=============
 ADVERTISEMENT
 =============
 Tired of beeing harassed? Wont two get rid of that business part
 nor whose dip ping inn two thee till? Wont that nagging spouse
 two disappear? Then, you half come too thee write place. Borg Pro
 Tech Shun, Ink. will pro vied inn knee serve ice, inn knee thyme,
 four thee write price. ---TeaBorg

=================
 EDITORIAL NOTICES
 =================
 The Borg Club is present on commercial national bulletin board
 services and on many amateur bulletin board networks and local
 areas.

=================
 COPYRIGHT NOTICES
 =================
 "RIF" acknowledges that Paramount Pictures and its various
 subsidiaries as having the sole rights to the Star Trek
 trademark. "RIF" has no intention to infringe upon that copyright
 or earn profit from this publication. It is distributed free of
 charge. "RIF" also acknowledges the Prodigy Services, General
 Electric, and NVN copyrights. This newsletter may be distributed
 by anyone if kept intact and not altered in anyway. Consider it
 shareware publishing! Resistance is Futile, copyright (c) 1992,
 1993 by RIF BBS

============================
 BACK ISSUES OF RIF AVAILABLE
 ============================
 Missing an issue? Used your RIF for a place mat or coaster one
 time too many? Just send a self-addressed stamped ($.52) business
 sized envelope to RIF BBS, P.O. Box 7822, Oxnard, CA 93031 and
 that abused issue will be replaced. Please indicate which issue
 you desire.  All back issues are available!


=========================
 ADDRESSES OF CONTRIBUTORS
 =========================

Allofus (NBKB43A)
 BEAST (SHRK82A)
 Chatworthus (BFSF75A)
 Dons  (RNMC05A)
 E Pluribus of Borg
 PROF. GHOSTWRITERUS OF BORG (GMDH77A)
 Havoc Primus (NWJX68B)
 Lucretia (MBJM54B)
 Marianus of Borg (NRCR88A)
 NOVELLUS (GMDH77A)
 Olympius (DPNV14B)
 Oxnardus (HCMH17A)
 Pinacoladus (PJVK38B)
 Randinius (RMGB46C)
 Rialtus (VCBD90A)
 Robinus (NRCR88B)
 Rubberus Checkus (BVBP84A)
 SANDRA DOZIER (TGDM58A)
 SCOTT HARRIGAN (JMCH13A)
 Semenovich of Borg (HVBW68C)
 SHARON MAHONEY (FCFH17B)
 Swannox (HCMH17F)
 TeaBorg (NVN: Tgottlieb)
 TRICIUS OF BORG\BETA (FMDD39B)



=========================               ____________
 BORG CLUB: THE BOARD GAME               |STOP HERE |
 =========================               |ONE TURN  |
 by Marianus of Borg               ++++++|TO EAT THE|+++++++++++++
                                 +      |CHOCOLATE |           +
                                +       |BAR YOU   |          +
 _____________                   ++++++  |BROUGHT   |         +
 |START HERE |                        +  ~~~~~~~~~~~~        +
 |FOR YOUR   | +++++++++++            +  _____________      +
 |QUEST FOR  |           +            +  |THE SUPREME|     +   ____________
 |THE LOCAL  |        ___+_________   +  |BORG IS    |    +    |YOU HAVE  |
 |PIZZA PIZZA|        |FALSE START|   +  |COMING!    |++++     |INSULTED A|
 ~~~~~~~~~~~~~        |GO BACK ONE|++++  |HURRY AND  |         |FERENGI.  |
                     |SPACE!     |      |ROLL AGAIN!|      +++|CONGRATS! |
                     ~~~~~~~~~~~~~      ~~~~~~+~~~~~~     +   |GO AHEAD  |
                                              +          +    |2 SPACES. |
              ______________________          +         +


DUE TO TRANSMISSION TROUBLE..E-MAIL [e-mail] FOR COPY OF BORG
CLUB, THE BOARD GAME.

        _____________       ____________      ____________
     * / R            \   */             \  */             \
    * |  E  ______    |   *\____     ____/  *|     ________/
    * |  S |******|   |    ****|     |***   *| F  |********
    * |  I |     *|   |       *|     |      *| U  |____
    * |  S ~~~~~~~  /         *|  I  |      *| T       \
    * |  T  ____    \         *|  S  |      *| I   ____/
    * |  A |*** \    \        *|     |      *| L  |***
    * |  N |    * \    \   ___*|     |____  *| E  |
    * |  C |      * \    \/               \ *|    |
    * \__E_/        * \___/______________/  *\____/
      *****          **** **************     *****
                          P.O. Box 7822
                        Oxnard, CA 93031

THE OFFICIAL ORGAN OF THE GALACTIC BORG CONSCIOUSNESS
 ISSUE NUMBER 5
 September 1992

RESISTANCE IS FUTILE ("RIF") is published and edited by Oxnardus
 and Ripley for distribution on various national electronic
 services and local electronic BBS echos. Address listings,
 copyright notices, editorial notices, and information on back
 issues are printed at the end of this newsletter. All
 correspondence should be sent by e-mail to Oxnardus or Ripley
 (addresses given at end of newsletter) or mailed to "Resistance
 is Futile", P.O. Box 7822, Oxnard, CA 93031.

=========
 CONTENTS
 =========
 THE BIG BOOK OF BORG ETIQUETTE
 "BE A BIG CAHUNA FOR 48 HOURS" CONTEST
 FOOD TRIVIA
 PAID POLITICAL AD
 RECIPES
 THE SECRET DIARIES OF CHIEF JUSTICE MARIANUS...
 JOKE TIME
 AND NOW, A WORD FROM YOUR FRIEND AND MINE, BAT-Q
 MIRROR MIRROR: Part 1
 yub yub, and all of that...
 SWANNOX/ CLUELESS CAMPAIGN
 BORG TALES: Part Five "Up the River"
 Dear Oxnardus
 BORG NOSTALGIA: REMEMBER THE COLA WARS
 TREATY OF PEACE
 DIARY OF A BORG ON THE OUTSIDE
 TRANSCRIPT FROM BORG SECRET POLICE PHONE TAPS
 THE BORGS AND THE BEANS PRESS CONFERENCE REPORT
 BORG SINGLES BAR RULES AND REGULATIONS
 CETACEUS ON VULCAN
 BORG DATING GAME

==============================
 THE BIG BOOK OF BORG ETIQUETTE
 ==============================
   IT HAS COME TO MY ATTENTION AS SECRETARY FOR THE BORG, THAT
 MANY BORG ARE UNSURE AS TO THE PROPER FORM OF ADDRESS TO USE FOR
 SOME BORG.  THE FOLLOWING ARE THE PROPER TITLES:
 1.  NOVELLUS-  GRANDFATHER OR YOUR HOLINESS OR YOUR POPENESS.
 2.  OXNARDUS-  NOBLE OXNARDUS OR YOUR NOBLENESS OR HEY YOU.
 3.  CHATSWORTHUS-  CHATS OR HONORABLE ONE.
 4.  MARIANUS-  CHIEF JUSTICE OR YOUR HONOR OR HEY BABE.
 5.  CLUELESS-  POSSIBLE V.P. OR MS. POSSIBLE V.P.
 6.  SWANNOX-  POSSIBLE PRESIDENT OR ARE YOU CRAZY. (EDITORIAL)
 7.  SEMENOVICH-  POSSIBLE PRESIDENT OR A SURE THING. (EDITORIAL)
 8.  BEAST-  DON'T EAT ME
 9.  TEABORG-  SAY WHAT?!
 10. WIGGALUS-  MR. BAILIFF
 11. OLYMPIUS-  DON'T POINT THAT METAL DETECTOR AT ME
 12. TRICIUS-  MADAME D.A. OR I DIDN'T SAY THAT.
 13. BAT-Q-  CUTIE
 ---Chief Justice

======================================
 "BE A BIG CAHUNA FOR 48 HOURS" CONTEST
 STILL MARGINALLY SUCCESSFUL
 ======================================
   Even though we tried to stop it, it was continued due to
 popular demand and once again we were slapped in the face by
 total indifference.  As everyone knows by now, as part of the
 Borgiversary '92 festivities, a "Be the Big Cahuna for 48 Hours"
 contest was established in the hope it would be fun.  It wasn't
 then, and it isn't now.  But hey, we like to beat those dead
 horses, right?  The Big Cahunas chose thus far were: Swannox
 JSWP12A (July 2-3), Chaotus DVNH74A (July 8-9), Qube WRWT50D (now
 Wingus) (July 15-16), Las Larius (July 22-23), Kittius XJRB61B
 (August 5-6), Lindaswedacious RFCX68B (August 12-13), Rialtus
 VCBD90A (August 19-20), Volksarius HRWP99B (August 26-27), and
 Furballus Ectoplasmus SSJX82C.  The contest will continue until
 October  1st, 1992.

===========
 FOOD TRIVIA
 ===========
 THE WHITE FILM YOU SEE ON CHOCOLATE BARS AND CHIPS IS CALLED
 BLOOM. VARYING TEMPERATURES IS THE CAUSE BUT THE CHOCOLATE IS
 STILL TASTY AND EDIBLE.
 ---Chief Justice

=================
 PAID POLITICAL AD
 =================
  _____________ ___________ O__________
   \    S    /   \    C   / |{ } =====|
     \  O  /       \  O  /  | ======= |
      / | \         / | ~~~ | ~~~~~~~~~
        /\           /\     |
   /~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~\

SWANNOX/ CLUELESS 92  YOUR SAVIORS IN THESE TOUGH TIMES.
 ---Swannox

=======
 RECIPES
 =======
 AHHHHHH! DEEEES EEEEZ THE BORG CAJAUUUUN!
 WITH RECIPIE SOPHISTICATION!
 BASHER ETOUFFEE AND PO' BOY SENSATIOOOOOOON!

FURST TAKE ONE ONE LARGE BASHER 'JUS FO FUN,
 MINCE TOGETHER WITH SAUSAGE DESPITE PROTESTATIOOOON!
 THEN ROLL INTO CREPES WITH SAUCE 'CAJUN!
 DRY DEM FO' WAUN MONTH IN DE SUN,
 PUT IN PLASTIC WRAP TO AVOID INFESTATION!

SERVE AT PARTY FOR BORG OCCASION,
 FRIENDS WILL SAY "DIS' GOOD, YOU SON OF A GUN!"

DIS SIGNED BY DE BORG CAJUN!
 ---Novellus GMDH77A

===============================================
 THE SECRET DIARIES OF CHIEF JUSTICE MARIANUS...
 ===============================================
 PERSONAL ENTRY # 304
 --------------------
   ANOTHER STRANGE DAY IN THE COURTROOM. JUST AS I WAS BEGINNING
 TO THINK THAT I MAY GET THROUGH ONE CASE WITHOUT SOMETHING
 STRANGE HAPPENING, IN WALKED BEAST. THE BAILIFFS TRIED THEIR BEST
 TO STOP HIM BUT IT WAS NO USE.  HE JUMPED UP ON MY BENCH, GRABBED
 MY GAVEL, AND SHOVED IT DOWN HIS THROAT. HIS DELIGHT TURNED TO
 TERROR WHEN THE GAVEL TURNED SIDEWAYS IN HIS THROAT AND HE
 STARTED TURNING BLUE.
   "QUICK," SAID ONE OBSERVER, "PULL IT OUT!"  A HURRIED SEARCH
 REVEALED NO ONE WHO WAS WILLING TO STICK THEIR HAND IN THE
 BEAST'S MOUTH.  AS THE AUTHORITY FIGURE, THE DREADFUL TASK FELL
 ON ME.  TAKING IN A DEEP BREATH, I REACHED IN AND TOOK HOLD OF
 THE WOODEN OBJECT.  TODAY, AS I TYPE THIS WITH MY HEALING HAND
 (TWENTY-FIVE STITCHES), I WONDER IF I SHOULDN'T HAVE DELEGATED
 AUTHORITY BETTER AND FORCED ONE OF THE BAILIFFS TO DO IT.

PERSONAL ENTRY # 477
 --------------------
   TRIAL OF A FERENGI TODAY. IT IS AMAZING HOW LONG IT TAKES TO
 GET THAT SMELL OUT OF THE COURTROOM. TOMORROW I WILL LOOK INTO
 THE POSSIBILITY OF HOLDING COURT OUTSIDE (MAYBE WE CAN HAVE A
 BAR-B-QUE AS WELL!).

PERSONAL ENTRY # 511
 --------------------
   WENT TO THE SINGLES BAR TODAY. MANY OF THE ELIGIBLE MEN HAVE
 TAKEN TO WEARING MIRRORS ON THEIR SHOES EVER SINCE SOMEONE
 STARTED THE RUMOR THAT I WEAR NOTHING UNDER MY ROBE. I WONDER WHO
 STARTED THAT?

PERSONAL ENTRY # 512
 --------------------
   GOOD DAY IN THE COURTROOM. I RECEIVED TWELVE DOVE BARS, THREE
 PEZ DISPENSERS, FIVE PIZZAS, AND ONE MARRIAGE PROPOSAL.

PERSONAL ENTRY # 517
 -------------------
   RUMORS WERE FLYING THAT ELVIS WAS SEEN IN MY COURT.
 PANDEMONIUM ENSUED WHEN CHATSWORTHUS CAME IN WEARING AN ELVIS WIG
 BUT AS SOON AS HE BEGAN TO SING, EVERYONE LEFT. LATER, ELVIS
 SEEKERS DISCOVERED THAT THE WOOD GRAIN ON MY NEW GAVEL RESEMBLED
 THE LATE KING OF ROCK.  MY NEW GAVEL IS NOW IN THE ELVIS MUSEUM
 NEXT TO A MOLDY POTATO WITH ELVIS' NOSE.
 ---Chief Justice

==========
 JOKE TIME
 ==========
 IT SEEMS THAT DURING THE AMERICAN REVOLUTION, ED FAZOLLA OWNED A
 ROOSTER OF UNUSUAL TALENT. THIS ROOSTER IS RECORDED IN THE ANNALS
 OF HISTORY. THE VERY NIGHT PAUL REVERE MADE HIS FAMOUS RIDE, IT
 SEEMS THERE WAS THIS ENGLISH TORY WHO WAS HIDING IN THE HEN
 HOUSE. HE PLANNED TO WAIT THERE FOR PAUL AND SHOOT HIM WITH HIS
 MUSKET. HOWEVER, FAZOLLA'S ROOSTER WITH DARING DO AND COURAGE,
 SET ALL THE HENS UPON HIM AND THEREBY SAVED PAUL REVERE...AND
 SUBSEQUENTLY, THE ENTIRE UNITED STATES. AFTER THE REVOLUTION, A
 STATUE OF THIS FAMOUS ROOSTER WAS ERECTED IN THE TOWN BEARING
 THIS INSCRIPTION...(HOPE YOU'RE READY FOR THIS)..."THE WORLD'S
 FIRST CHICKEN CATCH A TORY."
 ---LINDASWEDACIOUS


Q:  WHAT DO YOU CALL A FIRE AT A DOLL
      FACTORY?
 A:  A KEN- AND- BARBIE- Q!!
 ---RIALTUS (NOTE:  NO DISRESPECT FOR OUR Q FRIENDS...)

=================================================
 AND NOW, A WORD FROM YOUR FRIEND AND MINE, BAT-Q
 =================================================
 BELIEVE IT OR NOT, A LONG TIME AGO I WAS A NORMAL Q AND I WAS
 DRIVING THROUGH SPACE LISTENING TO MC RAPPER WHEN I RAN A RED
 LIGHT. TO MY SURPRISE, THERE WAS A SPACE COP BEHIND A SIGN. I
 KNEW HE COULDN'T KEEP UP SO I KICKED IT INTO OVERDRIVE WARP. I
 HAD HIM BEAT BY A FEW LIGHT YEARS WHEN <WHAM> I WAS HIT BY ONE OF
 THOSE OLD SHIPS: A YUGO l.x. I THINK. IT THREW ME OFF COURSE
 STRAIGHT INTO A MC FEDERATION, CRASHING INTO A "BATMAN RETURNS"
 DISPLAY WHERE A FRYING PAN HIT ME ON THE HEAD. THOSE NEXT FEW
 SECONDS ARE A BLUR BUT FROM THAT TIME ON I FOUGHT AGAINST ALL
 AUTHORITY FIGURES, ANYONE WITH AN ATTITUDE PROBLEM, I DRESSED UP
 LIKE A BIG BAT AND CONSUMED LARGE GLASSES OF BLUE HEAVEN, TO
 BOLDLY GO WHERE NO Q'S GONE BEFORE!!!

         /\/\/\/\
        /  O O   \
        \   '_   /
         \/\  /\/
            \/
 ---Bat-Q

==============
 MIRROR MIRROR
 ==============
 Part One

Teaser:  <fade in to bridge of NCC-1701D>
   Commander Riker is sitting alone on the bridge, once again.
 The other members of the crew have gone to party over on the BORG
 flagship floating nearby in space. Riker is upset because he
 feels he is always left out of these things, and is bitter
 against the happy, popular fun-loving BORG race as a result.
 Suddenly, he raises his eyebrows, as if he has had an idea
 <insert evil music here>. Getting up and walking to the
 turbolift, he says to no one in particular...
   Riker:"I could show the others what creeps the BORG are if I
 could only zap them into a parallel universe where the BORG show
 their TRUE nature. Instead of pizza eating, party going
 fun-loving cyborgs, they would eschew fast food and fly around
 the universe destroying everything in their path!!!"
   Remembering stories he heard about parallel universe travel on
 the original Enterprise, he devises an evil scheme.
   Later, Riker is at the transporter console personally when the
 last part of the shore leave party, consisting of Worf, Picard,
 Data, Troi are ready to beam back. Giving an evil chuckle, he
 reaches under the console and "reverses the polarity of the phase
 inverter." He acts as if nothing has been done, and proceeds with
 the return transport.
   Suddenly, the scene switches to the viewpoint of the four
 remaining on shore leave. Just as the transporter effect starts
 to envelop them, we hear a weird reverberating sound and the
 screen flips around! We get an outside shot of the Enterprise.
 Originally orbiting the BORG cube in a clockwise direction, we
 find it still orbiting in a clockwise direction but upside-down.
 Since direction in space is relative, what it means is that it's
 really rotating around the other way. Also, instead of finding
 themselves back on the Enterprise, the four apparently find
 themselves back on the BORG ship. But instead of a well-lit disco
 decorated with advertisements for various soft drinks and
 national pizza chains, they find themselves in a cold, dark and
 pipe-filled creepy environment. The first thing they notice is
 that their normal starfleet uniforms, tee-shirts and jeans, have
 been replaced by stupid-looking red,yellow and blue skintight
 one-piece jumpsuits.
   Worf:"Hey! What's going on here!"
   Picard:"I don't know. But I think we should find our BORG
 friends and see what's happened to them,
   Troi:"Captain, I sense that something is WRONG!"
   <Incidental creepy music rises>  Out of the mist, several BORG
 approach the crew in zombie-like states. The BORG do not answer.
 Finally, in the background, one BORG seems to be conscious of
 them.
   G-F Borg:"YOU ARE TOO LATE, PICARD. AFTER YOU GAVE UP BEING
 LOCUTUS, I TOOK OVER--GODFATHERUS TRIPLELETTERUS OF BORG!!!!
 THE BORG COULD HAVE BEEN A NICE, PARTY GOING RACE, BUT I RUINED
 ALL OF THAT!!!! HAHAHAHAHHAHAHHAHHHHAAAAA!"

   Picard:"Locutus? Who is that?"
   Music Rises.  DUMMMMMMMMMM DUMMMMMMMM DUUUUUMMMMMMM!!!!!!!
 <end teaser>

ACT 1:
   <FADE IN FROM COMMERCIAL> <We see Picard, Worf, Data and Troi
 aboard the mysteriously altered Borg ship>
   Voice over <Picard>:Captain's log, stardate 90210.69. After a
 long night of partying at the Borg Big Bistro, we attempted a
 fairly standard beam-back to the Enterprise. Unfortunately it
 seems like something terribly wrong has happened.
   <Shot changes to show zombie-like Borg, and standing over
 them, a mysterious and nerdy-looking new Borg.>
   Voice over <Picard>:We left our friends merely moments ago, in
 a lively and normal Borg festive atmosphere. However some strange
 malfunction of the transporter system has sent us back to a very
 different Borg vessel.
   Godfatherus Tripleletterus of Borg:HA! PICARD! YOU HAVE
 RETURNED TO THE FOLD AT LAST! THIS TIME, HOWEVER, LOCUTUS WILL
 NOT LEAD! THESE OTHER WEAKLINGS <he points behind him to a
 mysteriously docile Novellus, Oxnardus, Chatsworthus and several
 others. It seems that they have somehow been incapacitated,
 probably by boredom.) TRIED TO TAKE OVER, AND REMAKE THE BORG
 INTO SOME STUPID SORT OF ENLIGHTENED RACE, BUT I STOPPED THEM!
 HAHAAAAAA! OH, AND BY THE WAY, HOPE THIS HELPS!!!!!
   Troi <to Picard>:Captain, this Borg is obviously insane.
   Picard:Shhhh, be quiet counselor, perhaps if we listen to this
 nut we can figure out what has happened to us.
   <At that very moment, the landing party is enveloped by
 another transporter beam. Moments later they find themselves back
 on board the Enterprise. However, here too, things seem
 mysteriously  different.>
   Worf:<yelling> WHERE ARE THE BEER TAPS!!!
   Picard:And the Ren and Stimpy posters..most curious...
   <At that moment the party notices Commander Riker standing
 behind the transporter console.>
   Worf:Commander, where did you get that ridiculous fur on your
 face?
   Riker:What are you talking about Worf? I've had this beard for
 several years.
   Data:Oh commander, it is quite mysterious how much your body
 mass has increased since we last saw you.
   Riker:<embarrassed> Oh come on Data, you know I've had this
 small weight problem for a while too.
   Data:Well Commander, it isn't exactly small...
   Picard:<interrupting> Shhh, Data, <continuing in an aside
 whisper to group on pad, but so Riker cannot hear him> Listen, I
 think we'd better be careful, I don't think this is OUR Commander
 Riker. He could be an impostor.
   Troi:Yes, Captain, and those Borgs didn't seem like the ones
 we know.
   Riker:<walking over to party> Thank God I got you guys in
 time; any longer and who knows what the Borg might have done.
   Picard:Commander, why don't you return to the bridge while we
 ur, ahhh.... debrief. <Riker, slightly dubious, leaves>  That is
 not our POTSIE T. Riker!!!! Computer, identify officer that just
 left the room.
   Computer voice:RIKER, WILLIAM T., COMMANDER. FIRST OFFICER
 U.S.S. ENTERPRISE.
   Troi:William?
   Worf:FIRST OFFICER? "U.S.S." Enterprise?
   Picard:Yes, very curious indeed, numba one.
  <DUMMMM DAAAAA DUMMMMMMM!>

To be continued...
 ---Novellus

===========================
 yub yub, and all of that...
 ===========================
   What is "yub yub?"  Is it the scientific name of that special
 Pepsi ingredient "Uh-huh!"?  The secret Ewok code word for "pizza
 pizza?"  Something that another brilliant mind diztroyed by the
 publik edukashun sistem mite say?
   Well, this unit does indeed know that answer.  However, we
 don't want to give this vital information out to just anyone.  So
 we have tastefully hidden the truthful meaning in amongst these
 four choices.
   (A)  We borrowed it from TeaBorg.  You see, one day he signed
 off a note as "buy, buy", instead of the normal (?) "bye bye."
 And, since this unit had accidentally installed a dyslexia
 implant, we read this as "yub yub."
   (B)  A holistically random selection of letters, repeated to
 ensure total sublimity.  Also used as a password to our bank
 account and to launch all of the nuclear missiles in the
 continental United States.  Spoo, we weren't supposed to say
 that.  If you believe this, you will need to report to your local
 Jiffy Cube for...reprogramming.
   (C)  These are actually part of the lyrics to that totally
 mysterious, yet awesome 1960's hit "Louie, Louie."
   (D)  "yub yub" is german for "Just do it."
   Which of these is the real answer?  Well, of course, it's
   (E)  This unit has gone berserk and needs to be admitted to
 the funny farm, where life is beautiful all the time, and we
 won't mind seeing those nice young men in their nice white coats
 and they're coming to take us away!  (Also known as "This unit
 ain't tellin'!").
   Therefore, it will just have to remain a mystery...
 ---Rialtus VCBD90A

===========================
 SWANNOX/ CLUELESS CAMPAIGN
 ===========================

"A SPEECH"
 ----------
 WE WILL NOT LET THE OLD WAY OF GOVERNMENT STAND!  WE SHALL NOT
 LET THE LEADERS WHO BLIND THE PEOPLE REMAIN, IT'S TIME FOR THEM
 TO GO.  PEOPLE IN IDAHO SHALL BE AVENGED, NO MORE E AFTER POTATO!
 WE WILL ONCE AGAIN BECOME A STRONG NATION, THOSE WHO TEAR US
 DOWN, ONLY MAKE US STRONGER IN OUR UNITY, I SAY TO THEM, IT'S
 TIME FOR THEM TO GO!  THE FEDERATION HAS BRED YEARS OF HOSTILITY
 AGAINST US, WE SAY TO THE FEDERATION, IT'S TIME FOR THEM
 TO GO!  IT'S TIME FOR THEM TO GO, IT'S TIME FOR THEM TO GO!
 ---Swannox

POPULAR SWAN/CLUE SLOGANS
 -------------------------
 A PIZZA IN EVERY OVEN
 NO MORE STUPID JERKS
 AN END TO ARCTIC OUTBREAKS
 WE'LL MAKE YOUR BACK FEEL BETTER
 WE LOOK LIKE YOU
 ---Swannox

==========
 BORG TALES
 ==========
 A Serial. Part 5. "Up the River"
   Our first encounter with the Borg Secret Police was rather
 benign.  The officer was kind enough to explain to us that a
 missing dustbuster created just a presumption of a junk food
 violation.  The unit then gave us a "fix-it" citation as we were
 new to the cube.  The unit even left a Borg Bistro coupon and a
 tip on how to get maximum use out of our cola ingestion implants.
 The unit patted us on our shoulder enhancements, gave us some
 papers, and stated matter-of-factly, "Swan and Clue in '92,"
 before jogging off to some other 'hot spot' in the cube.  We
 could not help but admire the sharp looking leather jump suit the
 officer had on.
   Meanwhile, we had become resigned to our collectiveness.
 Singularity no longer held the appeal it once did.  The thousand
 of voices were comforting and reminded us that we were never
 alone.  Wallowing in these secure thoughts, we automatically
 replugged ourselves in and contemplated the collective.
   The pangs were at first barely noticeable.  We unconsciously
 ignored them in our fascination for our new surroundings.  After
 a while the pangs became a minor annoyance.  Our body was
 experiencing a ... dysfunction.
   Deep within the pit of our reconstructed stomach, we felt a
 dull ache of ... emptiness.  We knew we did not.  We were besides
 ourselves (not to mention quite a few others).  It was as if the
 panic button had been pushed.  We looked feverishly to our
 cube-mates on our left and right.  They were happily attached to
 their cubicles.  Contentment just oozed from them.  They
 apparently were in no discomfort. We could feel our blood
 pressure rise and our ears popping.
   We thought the end was nigh.  We were disposed to our wasting
 away when we noticed a rather confused looking unit meandering
 our way.  The unit continually stopped at plugged in units and
 gave them rather baffled glances.  The unit would occasionally
 stop an ambling unit and say, "Excuse me, but you look familiar,
 maybe you could help me," but the ambling unit would invariably
 continue about its business.  "Well, don't be helpful!" screamed
 the unit after the latest snub.  "Isn't there any unit in this
 collective willing to help a new unit??!!??"  We used all of our
 last reserves to say to the unit, "We are Borg.  You will
 service..."  We passed out.
   Darkness was complete and we no longer heard the thousand
 voices.  We were cold and we were lonely.

To be continued in Part 6, "Hey Sailor, New in Town?"

============
 ASK OXNARDUS
 ============
 Oxnardus,
 1.  What IS that thing on Gorby's head?
 2.  Does the Baby Boomer ticket have a chance?
 3.  Never mind the roses, just WHAT is under Guinan's hat?!?
 ---Procrastinatus of Borg

 1.  Just the usual compliment of face appendages.
 2.  Depends where the ticket is to.  Does anyone really know
 where the baby boomers are going (of course, other than to their
 graves)?
 3.  A mind that formulated quite a fashion statement, don't you
 think? (Bad habit-answering a ? with a ?)
 ---Oxy


======================================
 BORG NOSTALGIA: REMEMBER THE COLA WARS
 ======================================
 NOTE TO COKE DRINKERS; A LITTLE KNOWN DR. PEPPER FACT: DR. PEPPER
 CANNOT BE USED AS A CONTRACEPTIVE FOAM.  STILL HAVEN'T FIGURED
 OUT WHAT ( ACK ) PEPSI IS GOOD FOR.
 ---RUBBERUS CHECKUS the information borg

I use Pepsi to clean the battery terminals on the vehicles in the
 motorpool. Works great.
 ---Don

You are on VERY shaky ground here. The Chatsworthus unit is
 getting.... annoyed.... at the DISPARAGING remarks about PEPSI.
 WE, of course, would NOT disparage any OTHER unit's choice of
 beverage, and NEVER HAVE done so!!!! The Borg Supreme Court is
 NOT very charitable on this subject.... DROP IT, PLEASE....
 ---Chatsworthus of Borg, readying the rack and iron maiden....

WE TOO HAVE USED PEPSI ( ACK ) TO CLEAN OUR BATTERY TERMINAL
 S BUT FOUND THAT THE RESULTING DAMAGE TO THE BATTERY CASE MADE
 THIS USE OF AN ALLEGED BEVERAGE QUITE EXPENSIVE.  HOW ABOUT USING
 IT AS A DRIVEWAY CLEANER INSTEAD. COURSE, YOU WOULD HAVE TO GET
 AN  EPA WAIVER BEFORE RELEASING THIS TOXIC CHEMICAL INTO THE
 ENVIRONMENT.
 ---RUBBERUS CHECKUS

We have found that since our poor treatment by the Borg courts,
 all is fair in love and colas.
 COKECOKECOKECOKECOKECOKECOKECOKECOKECOKECOKECOKECOKECOKECOKE
 COKECOKECOKECOKECOKECOKECOKECOKECOKECOKECOKECOKECOKECOKECOKE
 COKECOKECOKECOKECOKECOKECOKECOKECOKECOKECOKECOKECOKECOKECOKE
 COKECOKECOKECOKECOKECOKECOKECOKECOKECOKECOKECOKECOKECOKECOKE
 COKE                                                    COKE
 COKE          SO THERE...NYEAH!         --DON           COKE
 COKE                                                    COKE
 COKECOKECOKECOKECOKECOKECOKECOKECOKECOKECOKECOKECOKECOKECOKE
 COKECOKECOKECOKECOKECOKECOKECOKECOKECOKECOKECOKECOKECOKECOKE
 COKECOKECOKECOKECOKECOKECOKECOKECOKECOKECOKECOKECOKECOKECOKE
 COKECOKECOKECOKECOKECOKECOKECOKECOKECOKECOKECOKECOKECOKECOKE

We used Pepsi to clean battery terminals, too.  We thought that
 was an original idea.  Do we have telepathy?
 ---Lindaswedacious

PPPPPP EEEEEEE PPPPPPP SSSSSSSSS IIIIIIIII
 P    P E       P     P S             I
 P    P E       P     P S             I
 PPPPPP EEEE    PPPPPPP SSSSSSSSS     I       BUT PLEASE, NO
 P      E       P               S     I         UH,HUHS
 P      E       P               S     I
 P      EEEEEEE P       SSSSSSSSS IIIIIIIII         MARIANUS


YEP, THE CHOICE OF A NEW GENERATION!
 ---TRICIUS, PEPSI FANATIC

CCCCCCCCCC  OOOOOOOOOO  KKKK  KKKK  EEEEEEEEE    !!!!!
 CCCCCCCCCC  OOOOOOOOOO  KKKK KKKK   EEEEEEEEE   !!!!!!!
 CC          OO      OO  KKKKKKK     EE           !!!!!
 CC          OO      OO  KKKK        EEEEEEE      !!!!!
 CC          OO      OO  KKKKKKK     EE            !!!
 CCCCCCCCCC  OOOOOOOOOO  KKKK KKKK   EEEEEEEEE     !!!
 CCCCCCCCCC  OOOOOOOOOO  KKKK  KKKK  EEEEEEEEE      *  --Don


Jeez. It looks like the entire Judiciary Branch are Pepsi
 drinkers, huh???? (NOT uh huh, btw). We believe that the time may
 come for the Court to flex its massive muscles and show the units
 what can come from making disparaging remarks about PEPSI, the
 national drink. The Dons have started to agitate again. THIS unit
 would not stoop that low, and NEVER has....
 ---Chatsworthus, Pepsiholic

AND YOU KNOW WHAT HAPPENS WHEN YOU AGITATE PEPSI!
      FFFFFFFF  IIIIIIIIII      ZZZZZZ      ZZZZZZZZZ    !
      F             I               Z              Z     !
      FFFF          I              Z              Z      !
      F             I             Z             Z        !
      F         IIIIIIIIII       ZZZZZZZ      ZZZZZZZZ   .
 ---Marianus

Chats,
 You don't want me to reinstate #2 again do you?
 ---Don, patiently awaiting the next issue of RIF.

Chats,
 Chill out!!! The original implants that we received were designed
 for use with Coke.  Unless, while we were away from the
 board(G)s, new implants were made, we are sticking with Coke.
 ---Lindaswedacious, always faithful to Coke

Marianus: This unit would not agitate Pepsi. We try to put down
 agitation, as it is not good for the digestive implants or the
 nerves! Like your graphic, though!!  Don: There are only two
 words that can answer your question about reinstatement of the
 infamous #2:  G-D FORBID!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
 ---Chatsworthus

Uh-huh.  You got it, baby!  (Sorry, but this unit just could NOT
 resist such an overwhelming feeling of...of..."Uh-huh"-ness....)
 ---yub yub, Rialtus

Whar's the 'Jolt'?
 ---|_as |_arius

Classic coke !!!
 ---Znazzi

OH MOST MENTAL ONE:
 SINCE POSSESSION OF JOLT IS A JUNK FOOD VIOLATION, NO ONES GOING
 TO OWN UP TO HAVING ANY.  HOW 'BOUT YOU?
 ---TRICIUS, SUPREME ADMINISTRATOR OF THE BORG SECRET POLICE

oops...been away a few days, so here goes...................
  JJJJJJ
  JJJJJJ         /    \         TT
    JJ        OO/      \  /     TT
    JJ       O /O       \/      TTTTTTTTTT
 JJ  JJ       O/ O               TT
 JJJJ        /OO                TT
 Oh, and yes, this unit does indeed have a license to have Jolt
 Cola.  So all we have to say is ..."Deal with it!" BTW, uh...we
 were just... experimenting ...yeah...that's it. We wouldn't dare
 thinking of drinking it.  We were just going to put it to our
 lips.  But suddenly, it jumped down our throat.  Then, of course,
 we needed to see if it would do it every time, so we have to
 repeat this crucial experiment.  yeah, that's it.  It's
 imperative that this experiment continue, for the well-being of
 the borg everywhere!!!!
 ---yub yub, (and making this up as we go along...) Rialtus...
 OUCH!  Where'd that lightning rod come from?!?!

Fellow Borgers,
 Am I the only unit who's mood is affected by different colas in
 different ways?  Coke makes us cranky and Pepsi makes us
 aggressive!  Comments?
 ---Allofus, drank Jolt once and went psycho

Wouldn't know.  We drink too much Jolt that our taste implants
 left us.  (See previous note!)
 ---yub yub, Rialtus, who is Drain Bamaged 124% of the time

CCCCCC  OOOOO K  K  EEEEEEEE !  !
 C       O   O K K   E         !!
 C       O   O K K   EEEE      !!         Coke is #1!
 CCCCC   OOOOO K  K  EEEEEEE  !  !
 ---Volksarius

Volks: The Borg Supreme Court, and the Borg Secret Police, are
 watching this display of emotion with interest.... Do you have
 any relatives in Atlanta? What are their coordinates? What are
 the names of their friends? Are you now, or have you ever been, a
 7-up Uncola drinker? Confession is good for the soul. Also the
 blues, reggae, and jazz....
 ---Chatsworthus, with a very thinly veiled threat of BSC here..

7-Up? AcK! CCCOOOOKKKKEEEE!!!! ###111111!!!!!!
 ---Volksarius

Chats,
 Blues, reggae, jazz and Coke!!!!!!  No uncola, no Pepsi, no
 sprite, no Rock n Roll past 1975.
 ---Lindaswedacious

             ----------------
             |  Dr. Pepper  |
             ----------------
           Two words say it all
 Simple, quiet, elegant, calm ............ no need to overstate
 the obvious. D.P., for the stressless generation.
 ---Rubberus Checkus

mt. dew...100% caffeine
 ---BEAST

Shasta Grape Soda is absolute ambrosia!
 ---Allofus

Nope. Sorry but A&W Cream Soda is the drink of the gods!  It is
 just like the cream soda I drank a long, long time ago.
 ---Marianus- and the Snoopy cartoons on the can are cute!

"WE'RE A PEPPER, WE'RE A PEPPER, WE'RE A PEPPER, WE'RE A PEPPER,
 WOULDN'T WE LIKE TO BE A PEPPER TOO?" An ancient ultra-orthodox
 Borg jingle, from before the time of the 3rd Assimilation.  (from
 the Archives)
 ---MONTANUS, blowing dust off the ancient scrolls in the Cube
 Catacombs. AAAACHOOOOOOOOO!!!!

" BE A PEPPER, DRINK DR. PEPPER, BE A PEPPER, DRINK DR. PEPPER
 ...." CHORUS FROM ANCIENT FOLK SONG STILL SUNG BY LITTLE BORG
 UNITS BEHIND THEIR PARENTAL UNITS BACKS.
 ---RUBBERUS CHECKUS, cola war rebel and demi-god

(CRACKLE)
 The great god of third shift.....MT. DEW
 ---Q2

WE USED TO DRINK MT. DEW WHEN WE WERE A LITTLE UNIT, BUT WE GREW
 INTO THE MORE ADULT TASTE OF DR. PEPPER. SMOOTH, COOL, REFRESHING
 DR. PEPPER.
 ---RUBBERUS CHECKUS, cola war rebel and closet sprite drinker

Don't know about the telepathy thing...hard enough keeping track
 of what all of me are thinking. Pepsi has many many uses,
 cleaning batteries is one.  I also use it to soak paintbrushes
 in, but don' leave it in too long or it'll dissolve the bristles.
 Concrete cleaner has been mentioned, and I've also heard that the
 Jivaro Indians down in Brazil pour it into the river to stun
 fish.  This is only hearsay as I haven't been to Brazil lately to
 check it out.
 ---Don, don't use it as a tape head cleaner or all your music
 will sound like New Kids

                 \|/ FIZZZZZ              \|/ GULP,GULP
    \|/ PSHHHT   -O-                      -O-    \|/
    -O-          /|\       \|/FFFSSSS     /|\    -O- AHHHH
    /|\                    -O-                   /|\
         \|/               /|\               \|/
         -O- FIZZZZ                          -O-
         /|\                                 /|\ BRPPP!
 ---Marianus NRCR88A

                *      *    *     *
              *  \     |    |    /   *
            *    * *   *    *   *      *
           * -->*   BRAAAAAPPP!!!  *<-- *
            *      *   *    *    *     *   --Don, Wow!
              *   /    |    |     \   *           Its the
                 *     *    *      *              real thing


JUST WHAT WERE YOU DRINKING TO GET THAT?!  AND I THOUGHT PEPSI'S
 RESULTS WERE EARTH-SHATTERING!
 ---MARIANUS- HUMBLED

Marianus,
 Only Coke can get those kinds of results
 ---Don

Why are all you Borg wasting valuable partying time on something
 as trivial as soft drinks?  Just like you pathetic little beings
 to do so.
 ---Q

Not feeling well, Q?  You didn't use the word "insect" in your
 post.
 ---Oxnardus, we are concerned

Oxnardus of Borg,
 Oh, I'm touched by your concern.
 ---Q

   You guys know something? Chatsworthus finds himself in
 AGREEMENT with the L. Berna Q unit! Scary, isn't it? We are
 spending far too much of our partying time on which cola is
 better, and too little time actually partying!! Chatsworthus,
 Associate Justice BSC, hands down this decree, for now, and
 hopefully forever. This is a truly stupendous moment, and will go
 down in the Borg Archives of Montanus, forever....*****BY ORDER
 OF CHATSWORTHUS***** From this stardate onward, 920726.0742, be
 it known by all present, their descendants, heirs, assigns,
 legatees, devisees, etc etc etc, forthwith and heretofor and all
 that other legal gobbledegook, that ALL Borg units have the
 absolute right to consume ANY beverage of their choice!!!!!! This
 right is only limited when it comes to alcoholic beverages, in
 which case, they must NOT be consumed by the designated pilot
 unit of their landcruiser, within a minimum of twelve earth hours
 before piloting. Colas, Uncolas, Doctors, Mountains, Crushes and
 Crushers, Shastas, Mug, A&W, etc etc may be consumed in any
 quantity that a unit sees fit, and NO other unit, INCLUDING
 Chatsworthus, will make ANY discouraging words, and the sky,
 won't be cloudy, all day!!! Home, home on the..... oops.... song
 comes easily to Chats, heh heh.... FURTHERMORE, let it be known
 that any and all variants of these beverages, i.e. High octane,
 diet, caffeine-free, caffeine-paid, salt-free, double caffeine,
 etc etc are among the protected types. The "etc" is carefully
 designed to cover any beverages that Chats may have forgotten to
 mention here. We hope that this will absolutely and forever end
 the bloody Cola Wars, without even the need for Wiggalus to
 arrange an internal treaty among the Borg!
   The Chatsworthus unit wishes to take this opportunity to thank
 the L. Berna unit of the Q for waking us up to the fact that
 WHICH beverage is irrelevant! (Bearing in mind the codicil about
 alcoholic beverages, of course)
 ---Chatsworthus of Borg

   On the now silent battlefield of the Cola Wars, a lone figure
 stumbles through the shattered hunks of cola vending machines and
 rusted remains of cola delivery vehicles. As the figure draws
 closer, it can be seen that it is Rubberus Checkus, follower, if
 not de facto leader of the 3rd Dr. Pepper Division, 1st Be A
 Pepper Infantry. The gleam has long since left his exposed metal
 implants and his clothes hang in tatters upon his body. He stops
 and leans against the wall of an abandoned Jiffy Cube and surveys
 the far flung battlefields of this insidious war.
   Rubberus can't help but wonder how long this peace shall
 endure. Many units have come with offers of peace and
 tranquility. It only lasts until the next shot in the dark, the
 next jab at another units choice of beverages.
   Rubberus will honor this truce but will always be on the
 look out for treachery. This is the way it always has been.
 Who know's? Maybe, finally, this is the peace that everyone has
 waited for.
   Seeing his comrade, Montanus, raising from her foxhole,
 Rubberus feels good. At least some of the new guys survived. So
 many others did not. Too many to remember their names, they are
 only half forgotten faces, lurking in the back of Rubberus' mind.
   Throwing his right arm implant around Montanus' shoulders,
 Rubberus leads the way to a new, brave Collective. A Collective
 where one's right to drink the beverage of their choice will not
 be infringed on. A Collective where petty prejudice will be
 stamped out forever. A Collective that will endure through all
 the hard times.  With a beaming smile on his face, Rubberus
 turns to Montanus and says, "Now, it's Dr. Pepper time."
 ---Rubberus Checkus

What a vision, R.C.  Oh, BTW, have you ever heard of RC Cola???
 ---Oxnardus, a firm Dr. Pepperite

Rubberus: GREAT STORY!!!!! We enjoyed it so much that we ran out
 immediately and purchased a Dr Pepper!!!!!!  YES to the first,
 NOT to the second.... <G>
 ---Chatsworthus

Truly stardate 920726.0742 will be a day forever honored by the
 Borg as the date on which the decree of the Most Honorable
 Chatsworthus brought to an end the epic, bloody Cola Wars. The
 name of Chatsworthus and the words of his decree shall be forever
 enshrined in the Archives of the Borg.
 ---MONTANUS, keeper of the Archives

Sunlight glinting off the tears that fill her optic implants,
 Montanus salutes smartly and hands an icy DP to General Checkus.
 Her heart is heavy as she thinks of the fallen who gave their
 lives to defend every Borg's right to drink the cola of his
 choice, yet she rejoices because their sacrifice was not in vain.
 Although a new day has dawned on what she hopes will be an era of
 peace for the Collective.  Montanus realizes that the price of
 peace is eternal vigilance. Should it become necessary, she but
 awaits the command of General Checkus to once again take the
 field in defense of truth, justice, and the Dr. Pepper way.
 ---MONTANUS, aide-de-camp to General Rubberus Checkus

Chatsworthus of Borg,
 Glad to be of help to you little insect-like beings.
 ---Q

Dear Great One Novellus,
 As official Borg Olympic Team Recruiter, we must tell you that we
 have proclaimed Dr. Pepper to be the official team  beverage
 although in accordance with Chatsworthus' decree of 920726.0742
 (already enshrined in the Archives) we defend the right of all
 Borg to consume the soft drink of their choice.
 ---MONTANUS, being oh so diplomatic

Ok, now that the war is over, someone better release my six pack
 of Coke.  And I'd better not find out they've been shaken.  I can
 play hardball if necessary.
 ---Don, holding a full can of Pepsi hostage in his can crusher.

===============
 TREATY OF PEACE
 ===============
   [What follows is a draft of the latest Treaty of Peace being
 negotiated with the United Federation of Planets by the Borg
 Ambassador Division currently being headed by Fraclicutus of Borg
 while Secretary of Foreign Affairs and Chief Treaty Maker
 Wiggalus of Borg is on vacation.  This historic document is being
 negotiated via Terran Prodigy communication interface. The
 brackets contain commentary from the author of the proposed
 Treaty, Fraclicutus--ed. in chief]

   PART I: These terms and conditions having been negotiated and
 agreed to be identically understood, the Borg Collective body and
 the United Federation of Planets mutually pledge to each other
 their solemn word to immediately cease physical hostilities and
 to begin partying effective immediately.

   PART II: Since We of the Borg Collective are an extra-Galaxial
 sentience, a "Neutral Zone" is thoroughly unnecessary.  Therefore
 We, of Ambassorial status are petitioning for Borg freedom to
 roam unheeded through Federation space as long as our policy of
 "No Involuntary Assimilations" continues to exist.  IF AT SOME
 TIME IN THE FUTURE the Supreme Borg of the Borg Collective
 mind decides to repeal that policy, then this Treaty is to be
 considered null and void.  [Comment: If voided, it shall be
 open season on all Earthers and Federation primitives].

   PART III:  Since We of the Borg Central Consciousness believe
 that the Federation's so-called "Prime Directive" is its silly
 excuse not to invite primitive races to their parties, we excuse
 ourselves from any involvement or prosecution due to the
 Federation's short-sighted "Prime Directive." WE OF THE BORG
 CONTINUUM SHALL PARTY WITH ANYONE WE SEE FIT.

   PART IV: As so stated in PART I above, We Borg and the
 Federation shall engage in serious multitudinous partying.
 Therefore, all party preparation decisions, such as catering,
 music, cube/room preparations, transportations, etc., shall be
 done internally by the Borg/Federation Party Precouncil
 (BOFPREP).  There shall be a working agenda on all matters of
 parties.  The BOFPREP shall consist of three (3) Borg Units and
 three (3) Federation Starship crew members on leave.  [Comment:
 This is because it is known across the galaxy that among the
 vocations of the Federation, no other allows excessive partying
 like that of starship crew members, officers minimally included]

   PART V: Any Borg/Federation parties shall be no shorter than
 two (2) Terran days and no longer than 2 (two) Terran months in
 duration.  Violation of this decree shall be punished with at
 least three (3) years more partying.  [Comment: As to the fact
 that We Borg love to party, this part is really meant to scare
 the federation partiers]

  PART VI: In such case a duly planned Borg/Federation Party D.J.
 calls off at the last minutes, than an outside board of ten
 members from intelligent interested non-Borg/Federation races
 (e.g., the Klingons, the Romulans, the Parameciums, etc.) must
 come together and choose a suitable D.J. from a list of
 pre-approved music-lovin' worlds.  The chosen one (the D.J.)
 shall ne notified of the party's location, date/timeline, be
 given the musical temperate proper for the party, and a
 Borg/Federation transport representative to get the D.J. to the
 party on time.

   PART VII: In case of apparent jeopardy, extreme thirst or
 hunger of sub-units of either party, or where continued partying
 is in danger of being canceled prematurely, without the
 commanding officer or civilian in charge of the sub-unit's
 authorization, assistance is required to be rendered without
 charge and without fail by any other party sub-unit whether
 civilian or military to the unit or sub-units jeopardized.
 [Comment: This is put in as a precaution]

==============================
 DIARY OF A BORG ON THE OUTSIDE
 ==============================
 [In July of this year, the Tricius unit was momentarily cut off
 from the collective.  Although at first dazed and very lonely,
 she gathered her wherewithal to smuggle to us a document about
 her experiences--Ed. in Chief]
   First, let us say that we miss us all greatly.  Life on the
 outside had been strange indeed.  The unemployment division has
 had no "Wanted: Borg for Hire" listings as of late and refused to
 send this unit out on interviews unless implants are removed.  We
 also received a parking ticket for taking up more than one space.
 Don't they know that our cube don't fit in rectangular parking
 spaces?  Well, anyway, we were these standing in line waiting for
 our unit number to be called when who did we see but old "one of
 five" himself, Hugh!  It seems no one wants to hire him because
 of his prior on the job accident record.  This unit and her
 spousal unit can relate, so we invited Hugh over for some Mad Dog
 20/20 (hey, we're on a practically non-existent budget here).
 Hugh got royally blitzed and decided to join the French Foreign
 Legion.  We wished him luck and sent him along with a hello to
 Locutus.   It is difficult being trapped on Earth.  We try to fit
 in, but find that these Earthlings seem somewhat reluctant to
 accept us.  Maybe it's the way they all dive under their tables
 when we walk in the bar.  There is one advantage though, when you
 talk to them they become exceedingly agreeable and very
 apologetic.  Heck, if you bump into them they always say "So
 sorry, my fault."  So we make a point to bump into them whenever
 we can.
   One creature that always intrigues us here are those of the
 domestic feline variety.  Upon approach they seem calm, though
 they evidently have an acceptable distance standard which one
 must observe.  This seems to be an approximate distance of ten
 feet.  When one exceeds this feline approach limit the creatures
 utter the most interesting sound vibrations and tend to achieve
 amazing aerodynamic feats including back flips, body twists, and
 wall climbing.  Perhaps we shall try approaching one with the
 edible food stuff called "lasagna".
   There is reference to this in the form of pictures containing
 one large feline, orange in color, in what is known here as
 "strips of comic".  Perhaps it would be wise to take a strip of
 this comic with us to show to the beast also.   We shall continue
 our observations and report back to the collective at a later
 date. ... Woe is us, oh collective ones.  It seems the feline
 creature enjoyed "lasagna" but not our physical contact.  We
 shall need scratch and dent treatment upon our return.  We have
 also learned the call of the felines and shall endeavor to spend
 our evenings in the streets shouting "Here, Kitty, kitty, kitty!"
 though last time we tried this the streets became deserted of ALL
 life forms.  We visited the so called "police department" and
 found it somewhat like our own secret police headquarters.
   Upon our entrance to the structure we were greeted with
 curiosity and asked who had requested the visit from the telegram
 service and if we were going to sing something. They also seemed
 humored by our last mane designation of "Murphy" and made
 references to one "Robocop".  We have thus far been unable to
 locate said entity, though we did get the cube's parking ticket
 dismissed.   The replicator on board our cube has malfunctioned
 and we must now resort to phaser use.  We are having stunned
 drumsticks and partially obliterated potatoes this evening with a
 side order of popped corn.  This seems to work faster than the
 large white box in the kitchen area as it's heat conductors are
 not quick enough for immediate food consumption.  We are also
 amused by the sound and picture receiver located in the living
 area and find that the box works best when we stand next to it.
 We are thinking of renting ourselves out as a satellite signal
 receiver and collecting thirty or so of their currency per month.
 If they toss in a free meal we may include full coverage of
 Japanese Sumo wrestling complete with interpretations via our
 universal translator.  We may also rent ourselves out to clients
 as a courtroom interpreter.  And, for a small added fee, the
 interpretations may even be done correctly.  Time to go now.  We
 will sneak over to the mail receptacle late this evening and
 deposit this communication.    The collector of communications
 tends to act much like the feline creatures if he sees us coming.
  Until another time and date--this is Tricius, Borg at large
 reporting from the Outside.

==============================================
 TRANSCRIPT FROM BORG SECRET POLICE PHONE TAPS
 ==============================================
   [Ring, ring]
   "Who is this and what do you want?" AMG says in a shaky voice
 as he answers his nifty Sports Illustrated sneaker phone.
   "This is your therapist.  You haven't checked in in over a
 week and I was wondering how your psychological treatment was
 progressing.  Are you doing your exercises?  You know, the ones
 where you chant "I'm okay, your okay" over and over again to
 yourself.  Are they helping yet?"
   "No, they aren't," AMG squeeks. "there's this group of people
 on Prodigy who are having a good time and I don't know how to get
 them to like me."
   "Have you tried being nice to them, posting intelligent
 replies to discussions, refraining from temper tantrums and
 personal attacks?" the therapist asks in a highly concerned
 voice.
   "Aw, but Doc, I just get so frustrated!" AMG whines, then
 adds, "I even told them I had friends in high places!"
   "Oh, you mean that airline pilot you once knew?" asked the
 sympathetic therapist.
   "Yea, that's the one!" AMG blurts excitedly.  "I was simply
 trying to impress them, but all they do is laugh. I keep trying
 to hold a position of authority on the boards and they keep
 psychoanalyzing me. They say I have been  falsely feeling
 grammar, or something like that."
   After a moment of thought the therapist says, "Oh, you must
 mean 'False feelings of grandeur'"!
   "Yea, that's the ticket!" AMG replies.
   "This is also referred to as the 'Schoolyard Bully syndrome'
 and consists of hating to see others happy when you are not." the
 therapist explained.  "I must go now, and I want to see you in my
 office tomorrow morning. Oh, and that will be $200 for today's
 phone session."
   "Okee Dokee, Doc," says AMG. "you're my bestest friend!"
   "Yea, right."  the therapist snickers and then hangs up.
 ---TRICIUS

===============================================
 THE BORGS AND THE BEANS PRESS CONFERENCE REPORT
 ===============================================
   Today, TeaBorg held a press conference that sent shockwaves
 through the Borg. The startling facts that were revealed reached
 far and wide, from the Federation to the Klingons and to the
 Romulan Empires. Even the Ferengi were revolted. And why was this
 conference held? As TeaBorg said, "This unit asks only for
 justice. Beancountus has presented only lies to the BSC. We are
 here today to reveal the truth."  TeaBorg then went on to state,
 "Beancountus has presented no evidence of any kind. He has
 instead stated that his defense is based on one fact: That
 chocolate beans do not exist. He is right about that, in this
 universe.  However, like the Q, the Spelling Bees exist in a
 different universe, an alternate one with different rules. And in
 that universe, chocolate beans and chocolate trees do indeed
 exist."
   TeaBorg then presented a video tape showing chocolate beans
 and chocolate trees.  This reporter was very moved by this tape
 and had no idea of the beauty and serenity of the Spelling Bees
 and their magnificent trees. TeaBorg explained, "We show you this
 tape to point out the importance of the chocolate beans
 Beancountus took from us. Please note that we are most upset by
 the fact he took ALL the chocolate beans. Here you see our
 workers gathering beans from the trees. They are next taken to
 our only Queen. See how the Queen carefully and tenderly deposits
 one of her eggs inside each chocolate bean. You next see the
 workers carrying the beans and carefully planting each one. As
 each tree starts to grow, the egg inside hatches a fetus which is
 nourished by the chocolate sap of the young tree. The excretion
 produced by the fetus is necessary to the growth and survival of
 the tree. Within a few of your years, the tree has grown tall and
 strong and the fetus has almost developed into a new Spelling
 Bee. Finally, the tree produces a crack, allowing the young
 Spelling Bee to emerge into the sunlight and to become a
 productive member of the hive."
   "But what does this all mean? I don't understand.", yelled out
 a Ferengi reporter.
   TeaBorg just looked at him sadly and shook his head. With
 tears streaming down his face, he quietly replied, "Don't you
 see, with all the chocolate beans gone, our queen has no place to
 lay her eggs that will provide their nourishment. Our race is
 doomed to extinction unless we can convince the BSC to order
 Beancountus to return the chocolate beans. If they are not
 returned, then he shall always be remembered as Beancountus the
 Genocide of Borg."
   This reporter can only say that she was very moved. Looking
 around in the silence of the audience, she could not find an
 entity with a dry face. Head downcast, Teaborg silently shuffled
 away.
 ---Lois Sullivan, roving reporter

=============================================================
 BORG SINGLES BAR RULES AND REGULATIONS AND HANDY TIPS FOR THE
 UNSURE:
 =============================================================
 1.  CHECK ALL PROSPECTIVE FLIRTS FOR MIRRORS ON THEIR SHOES.
 2.  DO NOT IRRITATE THE OCCASIONAL Q WHO WANDERS IN. WE HAVE TOO
    MANY TABLE LAMPS THAT USED TO BE BORG DECORATING THE PLACE
    ALREADY.
 3.  SING AS LOUDLY AND AS BADLY AS YOU CAN. OF COURSE, IF A
    FERENGI SHOULD WANDER IN, STOP THIS IMMEDIATELY AS MOST TIMES
    IT IS MISTAKEN FOR THEIR MATING CALL.
 4.  IF THE CHIEF JUSTICE IS HERE, ALL MUST BUY HER A DRINK.
 5.  THE BOUNCER IS A VERY LARGE GUY NAMED GUIDO SO DON'T DO
    ANYTHING SERIOUS HERE OR YOU WILL BE THROWN OUT ON YOUR
    POSTERIOR IMPLANTS.
 6.  FOOD FIGHTS ARE ENCOURAGED BUT NEVER, NEVER THROW ANY PIE
    OTHER THAN A CREAM PIE OR YOU MAY BE CHARGED WITH A JUNK
    FOOD VIOLATION.
 7.  LYING ABOUT YOUR AGE IS IMPORTANT FOR MORALE.
 8.  AS IS USUALLY THE CASE, THIS BAR SEEMS TO BE FREQUENTED BY
    MORE FEMALES THAN MALES.
 9.  IT IS THE CLUBS POLICY THAT THERE WILL BE NO STREWN BODY
    PARTS ON THE FLOOR AFTER A FIGHT. YOU MUST NEATLY PLACE
    THEM ON THE TABLE FOR THE BUSBOYS TO CLEAN UP LATER.
 ---Marianus

==================
 CETACEUS ON VULCAN
 ==================
   WE ARE CETACEUS OF BORG, GRAND-SPAWN OF MOST REVERED GEORGE
 AND GRACIE.  WE ARE RETURNED TO INSTILL UPON THE BORG COLLECTIVE
 MORE OF THE PHILOSOPHICAL MEANDERINGS OF THE GALAXY'S INFERIOR
 RACES.  WE HAVE CHOSEN TODAY THE PLANET OF VULCAN, THOSE
 SPINELESS ROMULAN WANNABEES.  WE LEARNED THIS FROM A STARFLEET
 TRICORDER LEFT BEHIND IN A KLINGON BIRD-OF-PREY ON THE BOTTOM OF
 EARTH'S SAN FRANCISCO BAY.  "Logic is the cement of our
 civilization with which we ascend chaos using reason as our
 guide." [T'Planehath, Matron of Vulcan Philosophy]
   WE WOULD NOW LIKE TO TAKE THIS OPPORTUNITY TO ADD TO THE
 COLLECTIVE A BIT OF PHILOSOPHY WE HAD PONDERED LO' THOSE MANY
 YEARS IN THE OCEANS OF EARTH BEFORE WE BECAME SUPERIOR AND WERE
 ASSIMILATED BY THE BORG BECAUSE RESISTANCE IS FUTILE.  SO, HERE
 IT IS, HOLD ON TO YOUR IMPLANTS (A LITTLE BY OF BORG HUMOR).
   "The one truth about LOGIC is that it seldom makes SENSE."
   "To discover lost treasures, one must first become lost."
   "In the dogsled of life, if you're not the lead dog, the
 scenery never changes."
   "Those with no grip on reality live forever, for when you
 accept reality, your imagination dies...and so does your soul."
 [All of the above--CETACEUS OF BORG]
   ALSO, WE WOULD WISH TO IMPART UPON THE COLLECTIVE A FORM OF
 LITERARY PROSE KNOWN AS POETRY, WITH WHICH WE HAVE BEEN KNOWN TO
 ASSOCIATE.  HOWEVER, WE MUST SAVE SOMETHING FOR OUR NEXT
 COMMUNIQUE (MUSTN'T WE?).
 ---CETACEUS OF BORG GVFX49A

================
 BORG DATING GAME
 ================
     (Doo-doo-doot-doo-doo-doo-dooooo, doo-doo-doot-doo-doo-
 doo-doooooo.)
     ANNOUNCER:  Welcome to the Borg Dating Game.  The game where
 a single Borg is randomly chosen from the Big Jar of Borg to
 interview three hidden ferengi bachelors or baccalaureates, and
 then choose one lucky ferengi for an exciting all expenses paid
 dinner to the Borg Bistro and after dinner drinks and a show at
 the Borg Blues Club.  Now, here's your host, Oxnardus of Borg...
    (Applause and dorky music)...
    OXNARDUS: Hello fans and sponsors!  This is Oxnardus
 welcoming to you to another exciting Dating Game.  We have a
 great show this afternoon, so let's get started.  The first
 contestant for today's show is....Marianus of Borg. Marianus come
 on down!!!!!!  Marianus, it says on my card that you are the
 Chief Justice of the Borg Supreme Court. That must be quite a
 job.  Can you tell us about it in twenty words or less? But
 first, a word from our sponsor.
   (Applause followed by Rice-A-Roni commercial, then more dorky
 music)
   OXNARDUS: Yes, that's RICE-A-RONI, the San Francisco treat.
 We were just asking Chief Justice Marianus of Borg to describe
 what it's like to be a Chief Justice of the Borg Supreme Court in
 twenty words or less.
   MARIANUS: DOVE BARS, PEZ, VANILLA SCENTED GAVEL POLISH, GAVEL
 LICKING, METAL DETECTORS, HAVING THE LAST SAY, AND BAILIFFS IN
 LEATHER. IS RICE-A-RONI INCLUDED?
   FERENGI #2: Uh, excuse me, but uh, um, as Ferengi number 2 I'd
 just like to say that I am just quivering to be here and my ears
 are tingling at the thought of the chief justice babes touch.  So
 if this humanoid-borg female object would just get to it and
 choose me, she'll know what a REAL ferengi could do for her...ha!
 s*x anytime].
   OXNARDUS: WHOA, HOLD YOUR HORSES THERE, FERENGI #2.  YOU ARE
 JUMPING THE GUN.  PLEASE WAIT UNTIL MARIANUS HAS CHOSEN YOU AND
 HAS ASKED YOU A QUESTION BEFORE ANSWERING.  WE KNOW YOU ARE A
 MIGHTY EXCITED LITTLE GUY, SO PLEASE TRY TO CONTAIN IT, AND
 MAYBE, PERHAPS, YOU WILL BE TONIGHT'S BIG WINNER!  OOPS, TIME FOR
 ANOTHER COMMERCIAL
   [Another long Rice-A-Roni commercial]
   OXNARDUS: YES, THAT'S RICE-A-RONI, THE SAN FRANCISCO TREAT.
 WE RETURN TO THE DATING GAME WHERE OUR CONTESTANT, MARIANUS OF
 BORG, THE CURRENT CHIEF JUSTICE FOR LIFE OF THE BORG SUPREME
 COURT WAS JUST TELLING US SOME VERY HUMOROUS ANECDOTES FROM HER
 UPCOMING MEMOIRS.  GREAT STORIES, MARIANUS, BUT IT IS TIME TO ASK
 A QUESTION.
   MARIANUS: FERENGI NUMBER TWO: IF YOU COULD BE A VEGETABLE,
 WHAT KIND WOULD YOU BE?
   FERENGI #2: Vegetable!??  Vegetable!  What kind of ridiculous
 question is that?  I would only consider vegetable matter that is
 capable of processing for use in building materials...combined
 with alumiplasticene to increase the mass of sellable material...
 always looking for ways to increase profit through creative
 alloys.  Otherwise, I suppose I could be a cucumber.  Ferengi #2
   MARIAN: OKAY, FERENGI NUMBER ONE, IF I PICK YOU, WHAT WOULD WE
 DO FOR THE DATE?

[to be continued]

[NOTE: Ferengi #2 was performed by Clueless of Borg, a well-known
 Borg performance artist]

Question from the Studio Audience
 ----------------------------------
 This unit would like some clarification.  When you said the
 winner gets a Ferengi "for an exciting dinner" at the Borg
 Bistro, did you mean that the Ferengi in question is the main
 course?
 ---Coloraturus of Borg (who loves fried Ferengi fingers but
 prefers to pass on the other, somewhat tougher parts)


Thank you for patronizing our show, Coloraturus.  What is to be
 done with the ferengi is at the option of the winner.  Knowing
 the Chief Justice as we do, we would expect her to date the
 ferengi before consuming it (kinda of praying manta-ish).
 ---Oxnardus

=================
 EDITORIAL NOTICES
 =================
 The Borg Club is present on commercial national bulletin board
 services and on many amateur bulletin board networks and local
 areas.

=================
 COPYRIGHT NOTICES
 =================
 "RIF" acknowledges that Paramount Pictures and its various
 subsidiaries as having the sole rights to the Star Trek
 trademark. "RIF" has no intention to infringe upon that copyright
 or earn profit from this publication. It is distributed free of
 charge. "RIF" also acknowledges the Prodigy Services, General
 Electric, and NVN copyrights. This newsletter may be distributed
 by anyone if kept intact and not altered in anyway. Consider it
 shareware publishing! Resistance is Futile, copyright (c) 1992,
 1993 by RIF BBS

============================
 BACK ISSUES OF RIF AVAILABLE
 ============================
 Missing an issue? Used your RIF for a place mat or coaster one
 time too many? Just send a self-addressed stamped ($.52) business
 sized envelope to RIF BBS, P.O. Box 7822, Oxnard, CA 93031 and
 that abused issue will be replaced. Please indicate which issue
 you desire.  All back issues are available!

============
 CONTRIBUTORS
 ============
 Allofus NBKB43A
 Bat-Q
 BEAST SHRK82A
 CETACEUS OF BORG GVFX49A
 Chatsworthus of Borg BFSF75A
 Chief Justice See Marianus
 Clueless of Borg PSPH17A
 Coloraturus
 Don  RNMCO5A
 Fraclicutus FBJF52A
 Las Larius VTKR18D
 Lindaswedacious RFCX68B
 Lois Sullivan PHCR65B
 Marianus NRCR88A
 MONTANUS TPVH97A
 Novellus  GMDH77A
 Oxnardus  HCMH17A
 Procrastinatus VXWS65D
 Q PSGX43A
 Q2 NNKT68B
 RUBBERUS CHECKUS  BVBP84A
 Rialtus VCBD90A
 Swannox HCMH17F
 Tricius  WJPM68D
 Volksarius  HRWP99B
 Wiggalus  DVFM22B
 Znazzi  CVRM02C

                      RESISTANCE IS FUTILE
                  Reprint Issue for Downloading
 [The following newsletter is a special reprint created specially
 for distribution over BBS systems. RIF is the newsletter of the
 "Borg Club", an organization originally only located on the
 Prodigy Network Service from February  1992 to April 1993. It
 expanded into the GEnie Network in May 1993, the NVN Network in
 June 1993, and into various other BBSes and networks from July
 1993. WARNING: The first seven issues of RIF were assumed to be
 read by Prodigy members. All IDs are Prodigy IDs. Many of the
 references are made to Prodigy idiosyncracies.]








        _____________       ____________      ____________
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    * |  E  ______    |   *\____     ____/  *|     ________/
    * |  S |******|   |    ****|     |***   *| F  |********
    * |  I |     *|   |       *|     |      *| U  |____
    * |  S ~~~~~~~  /         *|  I  |      *| T       \
    * |  T  ____    \         *|  S  |      *| I   ____/
    * |  A |*** \    \        *|     |      *| L  |***
    * |  N |    * \    \   ___*|     |____  *| E  |
    * |  C |      * \    \/               \ *|    |
    * \__E_/        * \___/______________/  *\____/
      *****          **** **************     *****
                          P.O. Box 7822
                        Oxnard, CA 93031

THE OFFICIAL ORGAN OF THE GALACTIC BORG CONSCIOUSNESS
 ISSUE NUMBER 6
 October 1992

RESISTANCE IS FUTILE ("RIF") is published and edited by Oxnardus
 and Ripley for distribution on various national electronic
 services and local electronic BBS echos. Address listings,
 copyright notices, editorial notices, and information on back
 issues are printed at the end of this newsletter. All
 correspondence should be sent by e-mail to Oxnardus or Ripley
 (addresses given at end of newsletter) or mailed to "Resistance
 is Futile", P.O. Box 7822, Oxnard, CA 93031.

=========
 CONTENTS
 =========
 1001 COW TIPS FOR ALL OCCASIONS: Part One
 MIRROR, MIRROR: Part 2
 POLITICAL AD FOR SWANNOX
 "BE A BIG CAHUNA FOR 48 HOURS" CONTEST AT LAST CONCLUDED
 MEMOIRS OF THE COLA WARS
 ABSENTEE BALLOTS AVAILABLE FOR ELECTION ON NOVEMBER 3RD
 BORG CHEERS
 THE NIGHT NOVELLUS CLOSED THE LIBRARY DOWN
 SHOCKING NEWS: ATTENTION ALL BORG UNITS
 ALIEN PERSPECTIVE: The Wedding of the Rihannsu Praetor and T'Caer
 ASK NOVELLUS
 NAKED CAME THE BORG
 ASK OXNARDUS
 ADVERTISEMENTS
 TRUE LIFE DOCTOR PEPPER TALES
 TOP TEN REASONS WHY THE BORG LIKE PIZZA
 BORG BILLIARDS
 BORG LATIN LESSONS
 TRANSCRIPT OF LUCRETIA/ALEXIUS MARRIAGE

================================
 1001 COW TIPS FOR ALL OCCASIONS
 ================================
 Part One
   1. When tipping cows, never tip more than 15%. After 15%,
 gravity takes over and anything else is a waste of effort.
   2. Never, ever tip the biggest and only "cow" in the field.
   3. Beware of tipping cows. If they knew anything about the
 stock market, they would be riding in limos right now.
   4. Tipping cows is much more enjoyable when both tipper and
 tippee are drunk.
   5. When the service calls for it, please, by all means, tip
 the cow. But remember the 15% rule.
   6. When tipping cows, never stand downhill.
   7. When tipping cows in vacuum, forget the 15% rule. But also
 remember to tip with a smile and a good handhold.
   8. When cow tipping, always tip with care and dignity. Cows do
 this as a career and are not your playthings.
   9. Remember, cow tipping is a job, not an adventure. Treat it
 as such.
 --Rubberus Checkus
 All cow tips are guaranteed tested in the field

==============
 MIRROR, MIRROR
 ==============
 Part 2

<FADE IN FROM COMMERCIAL>
 <We find Picard, Troi, Data and Worf in the briefing room.>
   Voice over:<Picard> Captain's supplementary log, stardate
 undetermined. After returning to the Enterprise we have found
 that things have changed here almost as much as on the Borg
 command vessel.  On that vessel we encountered a strange being
 who called himself "Godfatherus Tripleletterus of Borg." Our
 normal Borg friends were present, but seemed dazed and strangely
 different. Data has speculated that some sort of mind control
 device has been used on them. To me, it seems as if much more
 than that is wrong. Too many other things seem different,
 including the first name, rank, and position of the man who in
 our memory is Lt. Commander Potsie T. Riker, Sanitation Engineer.
 Here he appears to be Commander William T. Riker, First officer.
 I have assigned Commander Data to search the ship's library
 computer for some clue as to where and when we are.
   Data: Captain, I have found 3,426,289 occurrences of
 differences between this computer's record of history, and the
 historical data relevant to our own place of origin.
   Picard: Commander, I find it interesting that you refer to
 where we were before the attempted beam-up as "our own place of
 origin." By that are you implying that we have wound up somewhere
 else?
   Worf:<muttering subversively to no one in particular> Pretty
 damn obvious, I'd think....
   Picard:<ignoring Worf's small lapse> Well, Data? Where in the
 bloody universe are we?
   Data: Not in our "bloody" universe, captain...
   Troi:<Interrupting> Of course! We're in some sort of "parallel
 universe", aren't we Data? Like that occurrence which happened to
 the crew of the Constitution class Enterprise?
   Data: Yes Counselor, that also was my evaluation. In fact,
 many of the differences relevant to the counterparts of the
 individuals in this room are quite interesting. Your counterpart,
 Counselor, for example, had a temptuous sexual affair with this
 universe's Riker.
   Troi: ARE YOU KIDDING??? THAT'S DISGUSTING!!! POTSIE T.
 RIKER???? AND ME?
   Data: Yes. In addition, my counterpart had what you humans
 would refer to as a "One night stand" with Tasha Yar.
   Worf: You lucky dog!!!! WAY TO GO!!!!
   Data: May I remind you that this was my counterpart and not
 myself.
   Worf: Still...... What about my counterpart?
   Data: Well, your counterpart is only security officer here.
 Also he appears to have a son.
   Worf: A SON?
   Picard: Alright, we can sort these details out later. Now we
 have to come up with a plan of action.
   <FADE OUT TO COMMERCIAL>
   <FADE IN FROM COMMERCIAL>
 <Picard is sitting in the command chair on the bridge of the
 "Alternate" Enterprise.  We can see the look of discomfort on his
 face, apparently his version of the chair is much more
 comfortable. Troi and Riker are sitting on each side of him.>
   Troi:<in to captain's ear so Riker cannot hear> Why does Riker
 keep leering at me?
   <Picard gives her a glance which seems to say "Cool it, we
 can't talk about this now.">
   Riker: So Captain, I was worried when you proposed your little
 expedition over to the Borg ship, but it seems we got you out
 okay. The strangest thing though, we had to make two beaming
 attempts to bring you back. How did you perceive the first beam
 attempt?
   Picard: Oh... Umm,  Number..ah, umm. One, we just faded for a
 second and reappeared back on the Borg ship.
   Riker: Captain, are you feeling alright? Ever since you got
 back you've been acting like you have trouble remembering my name
 or something. In fact, I heard you mistakenly call Mr. Worf
 "Number One."
   Picard: Sorry Pots...ah, um, Will. Our trip was extremely
 tiring. In fact I think I'm going to retire to my ready room and
 go through my comic book collection.
   Riker: Captain, I didn't know you had a..<By this time Riker
 is talking to a closed door. Picard has left the room.>
   Riker:<To Troi, leaning in and sliding into the Captain's
 chair> So, Deanna, it's been a long time since we...talked...
 after we get off-duty, how about we go away for a little "private
 conversation?" <obviously feeling unusually amorous, Riker leans
 even closer to Troi. Troi, unable to hide her revulsion, and
 haunted by the bad memories of "Potsie T. Riker" moves away in
 one quick motion and slaps Riker viciously. Realizing she has
 acted unusually in this universe, she quickly leaves the bridge.>
   Riker: Boy, what the heck has gotten into her? <Thoughtfully>
 Or hasn't?
   DAAAA DUMMMMMMMM DUMMMMMMMMMM! <FADE OUT TO COMMERCIAL>
   <Fade in from commercial>
   <We see Picard sitting in the chair behind his alternate
 universe counterpart's desk. He is talking to Data on a private
 communicator frequency.>
   Picard: So Data, have you gathered any information on the
 differences between these dreadful Borg and our own fun-loving
 variant?
   Data's voice: Yes Captain. Central in these differences is the
 approach the Borg take to assimilation. Here it seems to be a
 totally involuntary form of brain-washing. As you recall, in our
 reality the Borg assimilation is more of a symbolic statement of
 unity. In our universe the Borg candidate voluntarily submits to
 implants and the ideologies of the Collective. Here, a single mad
 dictator, this "Godfatherus Tripleletterus" we met, has subverted
 and changed the Borg into an evil and universally hostile
 military race.
   Picard:<interrupting, in shock> WHAT? NO PARTYING? NO PIZZA?
 NO FREE COLA DRINKS TO ALL GUESTS?
   Data's voice: Here, Captain, the Borg have no guests, and
 Pizza is the last thing on their collective mind.
   Picard: Our counterparts existence here is harder than we had
 dared thought. And what of this universe's Federation?
   Data's voice: Well Captain, as you recall, the computer
 earlier referred to this vessel as the "U.S.S." Enterprise.
   Picard:<interrupting> Yes, get on with it Data!
   Data's voice: The initials "U.S.S." stand for "United Star
 Ship."
   Picard: Yes, quite different from our own "U.P.S. -- United
 Pizza Ship." And what of this ship's mission?
   Data's voice: Primarily this is an exploration vessel. However
 it quite often serves a military purpose.
   Picard: MILITARY!! No wonder we are wearing these stupid
 uniforms! What I wouldn't give for my Ren and Stimpy T-Shirts!
 Apparently this vessel serves a much different purpose than our
 own.
   Data's voice: Yes, however the market for our version of the
 Federation's Pizza Delivery Service does not exist in this
 continuum. With the Borg hostile to the Federation, there is
 little chance of any Federation vehicle pulling up to a Borg Cube
 and hailing their frequencies saying "Okay, we made it here in
 under 30 minutes!! Your pies are still hot!"
   DUMMMMMMMM DAAAAAAAA DUMMMMMMM!!!!
   <Fade out to commercial>
   <Fade in from commercial>
   <We see Troi in her "parallel universe" counterpart's
 quarters. She is visibly upset, obviously from the alternate
 Riker's forwardness.  Sitting on the bed, recovering from the
 traumatic episode, we see her look around as if noticing the
 contents of the quarters for the first time. Sadly, she shakes
 her head, and mutters something like "Bad taste!" under her
 breath. Walking over to the food synthesizer she orders a
 chocolate sundae. At least one thing is the same between
 universes. Just as she is about to pig out on her sundae, she
 hears the beep of the door chime.>
   Troi: <putting down her spoon> Come in, please.
   Worf:<entering the room> I did not mean to disturb you,
 Counselor. May we converse now or shall I return later?
   Troi: No, let's talk now. What's on your mind?
   Worf: It has occurred to me that if we are here, and yet our
 counterparts are not. I have been concerned as to their
 whereabouts.
   Troi: That's been bothering me too. I suppose that if we're
 here, they must be in our universe.
   Worf: Yes, I wonder if they are having the kinds of
 difficulties we are.
   <Cutaway shot to the bridge of a very different looking
 Enterprise. The alternate Picard, stern as always, looks on
 disapprovingly as two Ensigns, sitting at the two forward
 consoles, concentrate intently on the main viewer. On the screen
 is a large light-ball being bounced between two paddle-like
 objects on opposing sides of the screen. As the ball hits the
 paddles, it gives off a cheesy "DOING" sound which reverberates
 throughout the bridge. Suddenly Riker, beardless, bounds out of
 the turbolift and stands above the Captain with what might be
 colloquially called a "Sh*t-eating" grin.>
   Potsie Riker:<To Picard> Hey, aren't you going to join us on
 the holodeck? It's a great party! Mr. Worf has climbed up on the
 tables and is doing what he calls "The Klingon Hustle." Mr. Data
 is telling jokes, and for a change he's actually funny! And the
 Counselor....Whooooooa! She's been coming on to me all night!!!!
   Alt. Picard:That is NOT proper behavior, Number One.
   Potsie Riker: <Looking around behind him> Did Commander Worf
 walk on the bridge? No? By the way Captain, I was sure surprised
 when you called me for a second-beam back attempt after the last
 Borg party. I mean I set the thing pretty well the first time. I
 just went for some coffee, and when I came back, you were calling
 me urgently for a second attempt as if you were afraid of being
 on the Borg ship. Whatever is there to be afraid of over there?
   Alt.  Picard: Ah... Umm. Nothing, I guess. <adding under his
 breath so Riker can't hear him> At least here.....
   Potsie Riker: What did you say Captain?
   Alt.  Picard: By the way, ahh, umm. <pauses, as if trying to
 remember an unfamiliar name> Potsie, why was the phased polarity
 inverter in the primary transporter console REVERSED?
   Potsie Riker:Weelllllll, I don't know but it's a darn good
 thing we used the backup console to get you back here the second
 time.
   <Fade to Commercial>

(to be continued)

========================
 POLITICAL AD FOR SWANNOX
 ========================
 He was the First Cahuna For 48 Hours Supreme Borg. Novellus
 Sabotaged the 1992 Democratic & Republican Conventions for Him!
 The Supreme Borg also granted him "a piece of the action" by
 making him Supreme Cahunus Grandioseus." He graduated from the
 Borg School of Law. He was the Spotlight Borg in the Boffo 6th
 Month Issue of RIF [RIF #4].  He is the Owner of the Hip Blues
 Club! It's clear who you should vote for. On November 3, Vote for
 Swannox of Borg!
 ---PAID FOR BY THE BORG POLITICAL PARTY (BPP)

========================================================
 "BE A BIG CAHUNA FOR 48 HOURS" CONTEST AT LAST CONCLUDED
 ========================================================
   HA!  Everyone thought it would never end.  But it did!  On
 October 1st!  THAT'S IT!  THE SUMMER BORGIVERSARY '92 IS OVER.
 You may go home now.  The Big Cahuna Temps chosen over the Summer
 Borgiversary were: Swannox JSWP12A (July 2-3), Chaotus DVNH74A
 (July 8-9), Qube WRWT50D (now Wingus) (July 15-16), Las Larius
 (July 22-23), Kittius  XJRB61B (August 5-6), Lindaswedacious
 RFCX68B (August 12-13), Rialtus VCBD90A (August 19-20), Volk-
 sarius HRWP99B (August 26-27), Armadillius (Sep 02-03),
 Lindaswedacious (Sep 09-10), Fraclicutus (Sep 16-17),
 Lindaswedacious (Sep 23-24  Clueless), and Lindaswedacious (Sep
 30-01).
   Oxnardus would like to humbly thank all the participants for
 their support and cahunaness.

========================
 MEMOIRS OF THE COLA WARS
 ========================
   The following are the memoirs of unit Chatsworthus, concerning
 the brutal, bloody, and just plain NASTY, Cola Wars of '92. They
 began, by this unit's recollection, when certain units proclaimed
 that their cola was the ONLY cola fit to be consumed. As this
 quickly led to irrational and irresponsible attacks upon other
 units, with serious questions raised as to the legitimacy of
 their creation, the occupation of their "mother" units, and even
 their fitness to participate in activities Borgish, we quickly
 realized that the collective could be in REAL trouble, if this
 problem were not nipped in the bud....Hence, unit Chatsworthus,
 himself possibly bearing some very slight guilt in this area,
 unilaterally decreed on Stardate 920726.0742, that..... well,
 read for yourself, units, and decide if we've done the correct
 thing. We believe that we have. It begins with a reply to a
 (then) new Q named L. Berna, who pointed out that we were
 spending far too much time and effort in the terrible wars.......

TO: PSGX43A  SUBJECT: BORG COLA WARS DATE: 07/26/1992

   You guys know something? Chatsworthus finds himself in
 AGREEMENT with the L. Berna Q unit! Scary isn't it? We are
 spending far too much of our partying time on which cola is
 better, and too little time actually partying!! Chatsworthus,
 Associate Justice BSC, hands down this decree for now and
 hopefully forever. This is a truly stupendous moment, and will go
 down in the Borg Archives of Montanus, forever....

   From this stardate onward, 920726.0742, be it known by all
 present, their descendants, heirs, assigns, legatees, devisees,
 etc etc etc, forthwith and heretofore and all that other legal
 gobbledegook, that ALL Borg units have the absolute right to
 consume ANY beverage of their choice!!!!!! This right is only
 limited when it comes to alcoholic beverages, in which case, they
 must NOT be consumed by the designated pilot unit of their land-
 cruiser, within a minimum of twelve earth hours before piloting.
 Colas, Uncolas, Doctors, Mountains, Crushes and Crushers,
 Shastas, Mug, A&W, etc etc may be consumed in any quantity that a
 unit sees fit, and NO other unit, INCLUDING Chatsworthus, will
 make ANY discouraging words, and the sky, won't be cloudy, all
 day!!! Home, home on the..... oops.... song comes easily to
 Chats, heh heh....
   FURTHERMORE, let it be known that any and all variants of
 these beverages, i.e. High octane, diet, caffeine-free,
 caffeine-paid, salt-free, double caffeine, etc etc are among the
 protected types. The "etc" is carefully designed to cover any
 beverages that Chats may have forgotten to mention here. We hope
 that this will absolutely and forever end the bloody Cola Wars,
 without even the need for Wiggalus to arrange an internal treaty
 among the Borg!
   Signed, Sealed, Delivered, etc, etc, Chatsworthus of Borg,
 AJ,BSC

   The Chatsworthus unit wishes to take this opportunity to thank
 the L. Berna unit of the Q for waking us up to the fact that
 WHICH beverage is irrelevant! (Bearing in mind the codicil about
 alcoholic beverages, of course)

   Well, units, that about sums up that terrible part of our
 history. As Q2 says so wisely, those who are ignorant of history
 shall be doomed to repeat it. Over and over. And over.... Go
 forth, confident in the absolute knowledge that the collective is
 bigger and stronger now, possibly in some small way BECAUSE of
 this awful conflict. Drink your beverage of choice! Eat your junk
 food of choice! Know that the collective is big enough to
 tolerate differences between members, and that afterwards, we
 will all join implants and proclaim loudly, while singing at the
 top of our laryngeal implants......

WE SHALL ASSIMI-LATE,
 WE SHALL ASSIMI-LATE,
 WE SHALL ASSIMI-LATE, SOME, DAY-AY-AY-AY-AAAAAAYYYYY!
 DEEP IN OUR CIRCULATORY IMPLANTS, WE DO BE-LIEVVVVVEEEEE,
 WE SHALL ASSIMILATE, SOME, DAAAAAAAAYYYYYYYYY!

For the above lyrics, we acknowledge with deep respect, the work
 of Martin Luther Kingborg.....

=======================================================
 ABSENTEE BALLOTS AVAILABLE FOR ELECTION ON NOVEMBER 3RD
 =======================================================
 If you will not be available to post on the Borg Club Exit Poll
 on November 3, 1992, please e-mail (HCMH17A) or send via US Mail
 to this journal before November 3, 1992, your absentee exit poll
 vote.

===========
 BORG CHEERS
 ===========
    1) TWO, FOUR, SIX, EIGHT, WHO DO WE ASSIMILATE?
       ANYBODY, EVERYBODY, ALLLLLLLL!!!!
    2) F-U-T, I-L-E
       RESISTANCE IS FUTILITY! YEAAAAAAAAA!!!!
    3) THE ENTERPRISE is in DANGER
       WE're taking a BEATING
       COME ON FOLKS!
       L E T ' S   HAVE A    M E E T I N G !
 ---MONTANUS, Borg cheerleader, waving pompom arm attachments

               WE'RE BEAMING UP RIKER
                 WE GOT OUR ORDERS!
               GEORDI!       GEORDI!
             MORE POWER TO TRANSPORTERS!!
 ---Galahadus

    The BORG cube is AT-TACKING,
    The SHIP is on the RUN,
    PI-CARD says to his OFF-i-cers
    "Sug-GES-tions, ANY-ONE?"
 ---Coloraturus, flunked cheerleader tryouts in H.S.

WHERE'S RIKER? LET'S ASK THE COMPUTER
 HE'S TOO BUSY WITH SOMEONE CUTER
 CAPTAIN, CAPTAIN
 WHAT'LL WE DO?
 JUST BEAM HIM OVER
 WHEN HE'S THROUGH!
 ---Tricius

==========================================
 THE NIGHT NOVELLUS CLOSED THE LIBRARY DOWN
 ==========================================
 SUPREME BORG EMERITUS IS MY NAME AND I WAS OUT OF THE CUBE
 AGAIN
 TIL SO MUCH SCOLDING CAME THAT I FELT LIKE I WAS FRAMED
 WELL I WAS JUST JOKIN', HAVIN' FUN
 WHEN A LIBRARIAN HAD ME ON THE RUN
 SHE GOT BENT AND TOLD THE REST
 THAT WHEN IT CAME TO LOVE I HAD RUINED THE VERY BEST

THE NIGHT I CLOSED THE LIBRARY DOWN
 AND ALL THE BORGS WERE READIN'
 THE NIGHT I CLOSED THAT LIBRARY DOWN
 AND ALL THE BORG WERE SINGIN'
 THEY WENT, NO, NO NO NO NO NO NO, NO NO NO, NO NO NO NO

WELL I HAD TO GO AHEAD AND GIVE OUT AN APOLOGY
 JUST WHEN IT LOOKED LIKE EVERYONE WAS MAD AT ME
 BUT I WAS JUST JOKIN', HAVIN' FUN
 WHEN THAT LIBRARIAN SENT ME ON THE RUN
 NOW SHE AND ALEXIUS WILL WED
 AND NEVER AGAIN WILL I MENTION A ROOM OR BED
 TONIGHT I OPENED THAT LIBRARY AGAIN
 AND ALL THE BORGS ARE READIN'
 TONIGHT I OPENED THAT LIBRARY AGAIN
 AND ALL THE BORGS AREN'T SINGIN'
 THEY GO, SHHH, SHHH SHH SHH SHH SHH SHH SHH, SHH SHH SHH,
 SHH SHH SHH SHH SHHHHHHHHHHHH......
 ---Tricius

=========================
 SHOCKING NEWS
 ATTENTION ALL BORG UNITS:
 =========================
   IT IS OUR DUTY TO INFORM YOU THAT UNIT Chatsworthus HAD BEEN
 IDENTIFIED AS AN EVIL PROFESSOR MORIARTY.
   HE ESCAPED THE AUTHORITIES AND HAS BEEN HIDING HERE, SAFE FROM
 THE RIGHTFUL PROSECUTION FOR A MULTITUDE OF WAR CRIMES, CRIMINAL
 MASTERMINDING, JAY WALKING AND BRIEFS FLUSHING. HIS INGENIOUSLY
 CAMOUFLAGED AND DISGUISED CONTROL CENTER WAS STRATEGICALLY
 SITUATED IN .........YOU GUESSED IT.....THE FORMER LIBRARY
 BUILDING!!!!!
   THE STING OPERATION, WHICH INVOLVED CLOSING OF THE LIBRARY,
 ENABLED THE INVESTIGATORS TO UNCOVER A VAST ARSENAL OF WEAPONS,
 AS WELL AS VARIOUS INCRIMINATING DOCUMENTS, ACCORDING TO WHICH
 Chatsworthus AKA Schmaltz (Moriarty's real name) HAS ALREADY SOLD
 THE BORGDOM TO FERENGI, AND PROVIDED COORDINATES TO VITAL
 FACILITIES.
   TO MAKE THIS REPORT EVEN MORE INTERESTING, WE SUBMIT TO YOU
 THAT THE LEFT WING OF THE LIBRARY WAS USED ENTIRELY FOR THE HIGH
 CLASS BORGDELLO, WITH MADAM T'Caer PRESIDING OVER A CONSIDERABLE
 NUMBER OF WORKING GIRLS.
   IN CONCLUSION OF THIS VERY BRIEF ANNOUNCEMENT, LET IT BE KNOWN
 THAT AMONG THE MOST FREQUENT PATRONS OF THE SAID ESTABLISHMENT
 WERE SUCH PROMINENT FIGURES AS:
   1. Swannox of Borg
   2. Clueless of Borg
   3. Olympius of Borg
 just to name a few.
   NEEDLESS TO SAY, THE CRIMINAL MIND OF THE EON, PROFESSOR
 HIMSELF WAS REALLY SEEING OUTSIDE OF IT. HE WAS ** NOT ** READING
 BOOKS, MIND YOU.
 ---Semenovich of Borg, future Borg president

=================
 ALIEN PERSPECTIVE
 =================
 The Wedding of the Rihannsu Praetor and T'Caer
 ----------------------------------------------
   It is low-sun time upon ch'Rihan and amidst the ruckus and
 roar of the numerous bonfires and celebrations of the
 Eitreih'hveinn, two lone figures rise up. As the first steps onto
 the raised platform of the Fvillhaih Palace, the laughter and
 conversation is sliced cold, like a beheading wound. The
 silhouette is a man, large and confident, donned with the sharp
 uniform of one whom battle is no stranger... His cloak sways ever
 so slightly with the light breeze, and the crowd seems to stare
 upon the multitudes of medals and commendations emblazoned on the
 large Fleet uniform. But not the uniform of a military man, or
 any man for that matter.  That man is the Praetor, the only
 emperor the Rihannsu have had rule since history long lost, and
 he waits.. He waits to be wed, and bonded forever with the one
 known to all as T'Caer, the "shining star". In a moment of
 brilliance, the populace shifts to allow passage by the ranks of
 troops that hold allegiance to the might of Eisn-Galae, or
 "Homesun Fleet", the strongest mass of Rihannsu forces in the
 embittered history of the glorious Rihannsu. These legions carry
 with them a gift to the worlds of ch'Rihan and ch'Havran, a
 blessing from the elements, and raise to all the vision of a new
 era. An era where a Rihanha may live and love and lead with the
 Rihannsu ancestry of that on Vulcan.
   The ranks stop, and then secure in choreography, they open
 apart to reveal a shining figure amongst the darkness. Walking
 through the shadows of men who've sworn their lives, and the
 roaring peoples they have fought for, Ael T'Caerwynn rises to the
 platform and is taken gracefully by hand into the arms of the
 Praetor Rav'Ransackum Ta'iilam. There both stood for what seemed
 like an eternity, free from the rantings of the other "empires",
 and within the company of friends they shared a kiss...
   It took a full twenty siuren of shared laughter and pleas to
 calm the crowd down to a reasonable level. One where the Praetor
 and his one to be would say their words of joining.  Then, and
 only then, as it has been done throughout time, will it be done,
 and the true merriment begin.
   "My loyal Rihanha, and all those that have come as honored
 guests..." It rang out across the swarming crowds of hundreds of
 thousands as a roar of power, yet spoken with the calm voice of a
 smitten man.
    "As you know, I have come to know the one T'Caerwynn with a
 passion unrivaled in the pages of our ancestry, those of Vulcan,
 AND Rihannsu alike. She came to me at first asking for the
 reluctant help of what was then known as the enemy."
    "..Us.." He left that word held, eyeing the crowd... "But
 this can be said no longer, as we have come to know each other
 very well indeed, and as I stand, I trust her with every ounce of
 life in my body and spirit, and she has proven that to be a good
 measure indeed, as she has spent herself on many occasions
 keeping my life safe, as I have  hers.. And now I come to you. To
 accept this shining star into our midst. Not as the consort of
 the Praetor, but as the bright and burning hope that all Rihannsu
 aspire for. With this bonding we may yet end the damage wrought
 by the swing of S'Harien, the blade that cut Vulcan in two. Only
 now, do both our races respect each other for the success of
 varying cultures. And as I stand as your leader, I shall not
 stand alone, for she shall be at my side, equaled, and sharing
 the responsibility of rising the Rihannsu thought the new age.
 With this, I say, let the S'Hariens cross!! And two loves be
 joined!!!...."
 ---Praetor Rav'Ransackum Ta'iilam

A voice from the crowd accused "Assassin".
     T'Caerwynn stepped forward, and in her hands she held a
 naked sword.  She looked out, her face as unmoving as her Vulcan
 heritage could provide.  Her eyes narrowed slightly and she
 addressed the crowd....
    "An assassin indeed, and a dangerous one at that...to any who
 would threaten the new peace and stability that is offered to the
 Rihanna in this bonding.  For I shall always stand by My Lord.
 Even as the Sword I wield is S'Harien, so I shall be to him, ever
 his S'Harien, ready to cut out all that is evil in this
 Empire....as Excalibur of old, I shall bring peace and prosperity
 to the dream that shall be reality. Only by forging forward shall
 we heal the wounds of the past and become whole and strong once
 more."
     She placed her sword upon the floor in front of her and
 turned once more to the Praetor...and knelt before him....
    "My Lord, My Beloved, if you will have me, I am yours." Her
 words carried to the far corners of the market...and all awaited
 breathlessly for the Praetor's reply...
 --T'Caer

============
 ASK NOVELLUS
 ============
 FELLOW UNITS OF THE COLLECTIVE:
  OVER THE LAST SEVERAL DAYS IT HAS COME TO MY PERSONAL ATTENTION
 THAT THE MAJORITY OF THE UNITS IN THE COLLECTIVE ARE NEWLY
 ASSIMILATED AND ARE UNAWARE OF THIS UNIT'S PURPOSE AND ORIGIN.
 ULTIMATELY, THIS UNIT'S PRIMARY FUNCTION IS TO SERVE THE
 COLLECTIVE AT A HIGH ADVISORY LEVEL, TO COME TO THE COLLECTIVE'S
 DEFENSE AND TO BE THE REPOSITORY OF ULTIMATE KNOWLEDGE. THIS UNIT
 HAS CREATED THIS SUBJECT TO INTERACT WITH THE COLLECTIVE ON A
 PERSONAL LEVEL, AND TO ANSWER ALL QUESTIONS PROPOSED TO IT.
   BEFORE THIS UNIT CAN INTERACT WITH THE COLLECTIVE IT MUST
 CLARIFY SEVERAL THINGS: MY ORIGIN, THE ACCUSATIONS OF CALLOUS AND
 RUDE BEHAVIOR, AND MY SUPPORT OF THE SEMENOVICH CANDIDATE.
   1) THIS UNIT IS THE FOUNDER OF THE BORG COLLECTIVE ON THE
 PRODIGY SYSTEM. MANY ASPECTS OF THE CULTURE IN WHICH YOU INTERACT
 INEVITABLY FALL TO THIS UNIT AND SUPREME BORG OXNARDUS. AS WE
 HAVE ASSIMILATED MANY UNITS OVER THE LAST TWO MONTHS, MANY ARE
 UNAWARE OF THE POWER HIERARCHY WHICH EXISTS AND ARE UNFAMILIAR
 WITH BORG PROTOCOL. THE RULES OF PROTOCOL, WHICH WERE PUBLISHED
 IN RIF #1, WILL BE RE-POSTED IN ORDER TO ENLIGHTEN THE NEWLY
 ASSIMILATED UNITS.
   2) THIS UNIT HAS BEEN ACCUSED OF CALLOUS, RUDE, AND UNKIND
 BEHAVIOR. AS TO BE EXPECTED OF ANY UNIT IN THE PUBLIC EYE, IT IS
 ALWAYS UNDER CONSTANT SCRUTINY AND HAS TO MEET VERY HIGH
 EXPECTATIONS IN ORDER TO REMAIN POPULAR. WHEN THIS UNIT MAKES A
 GAFFE, IT IS USUALLY VERY QUICK TO ACKNOWLEDGE IT'S MISTAKE. THIS
 UNIT HAS WITHOUT HESITATION TAKEN ACCOUNTABILITY FOR THE POSTINGS
 MADE UNDER ITS USER-ID, BUT IS NOT RESPONSIBLE FOR ACTUALLY
 POSTING THE OFFENSIVE MATERIAL IN QUESTION. THE PERSON
 RESPONSIBLE, WHO IN REAL LIFE IS THE EMERITUS'S FIANCEE, HAS BEEN
 REPRIMANDED AND PUNISHED TO THE HIGHEST DEGREE AND WILL NOT HAVE
 ACCESS TO HIS ACCOUNT EVER AGAIN. THIS UNIT HOPES THAT ITS CAREER
 OF SERVICE, DEFENSE, AND SUPPORT OF THE COLLECTIVE WILL SPEAK FOR
 ITSELF AND ALL FURTHER ACCUSATIONS WILL BE PUT TO REST.
   3) THIS UNIT HAS DECIDED TO SUPPORT THE SEMENOVICH
 PRESIDENTIAL CANDIDATE BECAUSE  IT FEELS THAT HE POSSESSES BORG
 TRADITIONAL VALUES AND THE ESSENTIAL RIGHT-WING CONSERVATIVE
 QUALITIES FOR PROPER ASSIMILATION OF THE UNITED STATES.  MAY IT
 BE KNOWN THAT THIS UNIT HATES POLITICS OF ALL SORTS, BUT IF IT
 HAS TO MAKE A CHOICE IT HAS TO BE THE ONE WHO WILL STAND BY THE
 COLLECTIVE AND REMAIN LOYAL TO THE COMMAND HIERARCHY. IN ADDITION
 THIS UNIT FEELS THAT HE MUST SUPPORT THE UNDERDOG, REGARDLESS OF
 HIS RESPECTIVE POPULARITY TO THE SWANNOX CANDIDATE. THIS POSITION
 INEVITABLY WILL CHANGE, AS NOW THE RIALTUS UNIT, THE SULTAN OF
 "YUB YUB" HAS JOINED FORCES WITH HIM.  THIS UNIT HAS NO ANIMUS
 WITH THE SWANNOX UNIT, AND HAS BEEN ENTERTAINED BY MANY OF HIS
 POSTINGS. IT SHOULD ALSO BE MAINTAINED THAT THERE ALWAYS HAS TO
 BE A SECOND CANDIDATE, FOR DEMOCRATIC ELECTIONS CAN ONLY BE HELD
 WITH MORE THAN ONE CANDIDATE ON THE BALLOT.
   THE EMERITUS HAS SPOKEN. HE AWAITS YOUR DIALOGUE.
 ---NOVELLUS, SUPREME BORG EMERITUS
 MENTOR OF THE COLLECTIVE AND ALL-POWERFUL






DISKS:[SWANN1.DL]RIF6.2;2



===================
 NAKED CAME THE BORG
 ===================
   We have witnessed a borg birth.  Our own LamBORGini is part
 BORG and part Ferengi.  After consulting the BORG Board, an
 astrologer, and many other sources we decided to call him/her/it
 LamBORGini.
   While not pure BORG, I'm told the birth was typical. There
 was nothing externally mounted which would make the birth hurt
 the mother any more than a TERRAN child would during birth.  Just
 so long as it is born hood first. If it is breech or is born
 tailpipe first, there would be problems.  The independent rear
 suspension is the major culprit. It tends to turn the rear wheels
 sideways during birth.  BORG ob/gyn doctor also has to make sure
 radio is turned off during birth so that antenna does become
 fully extended.  In fact, turning on radio during pregnancy has
 been known to cause misCARriage.  On the other hand, having
 electric windows open during pregnancy helps give them a "new car
 smell" especially if mother has a steady diet of beans and soda.
 Children are slapped sharply on their impact-bumpers at birth
 primarily to activate air pollution control devices.  Batteries
 come only partially charged at birth as there is no umbilical
 cord attached to the mother and they need to feed using the
 battery.  BORG do come with genetic defects at birth and are
 often referred to as lemons.  These defects are corrected at the
 factory nursery by what is know as a recall.  Some units
 experience either spontaneous recall or total recall during
 pregnancy.  Terrans call this abortion.
 ---Borgus Barney

============
 ASK OXNARDUS
 ============
 Oxnardus,
 I am confused. Locutus hasn't called me since that cube blew up
 in the terran system. Should I get a new borgfriend, or keep my
 faith? He was a real cutie.
 ---Hartius of Borg, feeling blue

Hartius,
 Hate to break it to you, but Locutus left a lot of borgettes
 thinking he was a cutie.  I'm afraid he's worse than blasto, he's
 re-joined the Federation and has become a rather stodgy, dull,
 paper pusher.  We have heard that he's so dull that he makes 20
 minutes seem like 40 years! Forget him and check out the new and
 improved Borg. We are assimilating new life and new civilizations
 at a magnificent rate.
 ---Oxy

Oxnardus,
 This unit has never addressed you directly, and this unit does
 not spend a lot of time in the Cube, as he is passing himself off
 as an insect to assimilate Dobosh Tortes.  This unit wishes to
 know if Oxnardus is the holder of the Big   Book of Borg still,
 as this unit still needs to register.   This unit also desires to
 know how many pepperoni pizzas one can consume before terminal
 cholesterol overload sets in.   This unit has consumed many such
 pizzas, and is starting to have worry circuits kick in..........
 ---Jolan Trumus, BUGBORG

BugBorg,
   You are in the Big Book of Borg as a non-registered Borg with
 the appellation of "Anacapus".  You must e-mail me your address
 to receive RIF #3 -- and do it fast because the mailing is
 imminent.
   As to your maximum pizza intake question, have no fear, your
 implants produce a biogenetic endorphin which enables Borg to
 consume the four main food groups (fast, junk, frozen, and
 instant) at a constant rate and never have to worry about heart,
 liver, stomach or teeth problems.  That is perhaps the best
 reason to assimilate.  Only the Borgs have this technology and it
 is a guarded trade secret protected by all the known legal
 systems in this galaxy.  We have a patent pending in Andromeda
 (just so whoever is reading this doesn't get any ideas about
 marketing it in Andromeda).  It is doubtful the Federation will
 have this technology within three centuries.
 ---Oxy

Oxnardus,
 What is the best way to cope with a spouse who doesn't understand
 the Borg Boards? Would the solution be considered justifiable
 homicide in most courts?
 ---Rubberus Checkus - found you by accident

R.B.,
   Believe it or not, the "Spouse" problem is quite prevalent for
 Borg club members.  Most humor the spouse and act like they are
 cutting down their time on the boards, but actually are just on
 the boards when the spouse is at work, in bed, grocery shopping,
 on an errand, etc.  We tried to solve the problem ourselves by
 resigning the cahunahood and becoming a private Borg.  However,
 the spousal unit, after viewing specific postings, decided to
 support our return to Cahunahood in fears that some Borg Club
 members would assimilate him if he did not do so. This Borg
 Club/Star Trek Board can be quite the time consumer and
 intoxicant, no?
   We knew of one unit who was so "attached" to his computer,
 that the spousal unit gave him an ultimatum:  either the computer
 goes or she goes.  Luckily, he did get rid of the computer  (it
 may be old fashion, but we still like it when actual
 relationships win out over solitary ones).
 ---Oxy

==============
 ADVERTISEMENTS
 ==============
   "STUCK IN YOUR CUBE? CAN'T GET THAT LITTLE ESCAPE HATCH TO
 OPEN?  WELL, YOU OBVIOUSLY DON'T HAVE THE NEW BORG EXTRACTOR!
 YES, THIS HANDY DEVICE CAN GET ANY BORG OUT OF ANY TIGHT SPACE OR
 SITUATION. ORDER TODAY AND RECEIVE THE ACCOMPANYING BORG SALVE
 FOR THOSE NASTY CUTS SUFFERED WHILE TRYING TO OPEN THE SHRINK
 WRAPPED PACKAGE THE EXTRACTOR COMES IN."
   "I USE THE BORG EXTRACTOR ALL THE TIME," SAYS SWANNOX WHO GETS
 INTO MORE TIGHT SITUATIONS THAT HE'D CARE TO MENTION.
   QUANTITIES ARE LIMITED SO HURRY!
 ---Marianus of RONCO

ATTN ALL UNEMPLOYED BORG!
   The Spam Shoppe is now looking to hire some fine, upstanding
 citizens who are looking to make a fast buck! If YOU are
 interested, reply here!
 ==='Honest' |_as |_arius
    Spam Shoppe owner
                     FINE PRINT!
    Job applicants will be paid minimum wage, no 'fringe
 benefits'. Job applicants will also be regarded as major suckers
 throughout the collective, and will probably be stuck working for
 me for the rest of their natural lives.
 ---Las Larius

"FOOT REMOVAL"
   A new service is now being offered by CRK Enterprises. For a
 price that is so low, we are ashamed to print it, we will
 surgically remove your foot from your mouth.  But wait,there's
 more!  If you feel you really need the taste of smelly socks in
 your mouth, we will install a taste implant right to the roof of
 your mouth.  Now, How much would you pay for this exclusive
 service?  5995 pizzas?  4995 pizzas? A bargain at 3995 pizzas!
 But no!  Due to the fact we have had no business, we will offer
 this service for only 495 pizzas!  Order now!           To order,
 have your Vista or MasterBorg ready and call 1-555-FOOT-OUT
 that's 1-555-FOOT-OUT one more time the number is 1-555-FOOT-OUT
 1-555-FOOT-OUT.
 ---Rialtus

"AMG FAN CLUB"
   Join the AMG International Fan Club!
   Welcome aboard!  The Club Motto is:  "Hope This Helps!".
 Membership kits are federal expressed and the dues are $50 a
 month.  AMG needs the money, unemployment ran out you know (don't
 tell AMG, he's sensitive about that).  Not much in the way of
 "Reader [no writing ability necessary] $4.50/hr" in the want ads
 these days).  Send your check directly to him at:
                Antonio Mikliovich Giambattista
                1
                Bumsville, Garbage State 000001
   Don't worry, the Post Office knows where he lives, he's there
 only one who lives there (besides his long-suffering mother), but
 slip a fiver to the Postman so he'll go out there (don't worry
 about including a clothespin, that's standard-issue for postmen
 on his route).
   I would also like to cordially invite you to our annual
 meeting on April 1st in Garden City, NJ where we celebrate his
 birthday!  Don't worry, he won't attend!  He never leaves his
 house, now that he has *P* and no friends. Hope to see you there!
  Again, please join!
 No Longer lonely---SEH [SCOTT HARRIGAN]

=============================
 TRUE LIFE DOCTOR PEPPER TALES
 =============================
   WE WERE DRIVING AROUND DOING LAWYER TYPE STUFF AND WE DID NOT
 HAVE THE TIME EITHER TO EAT BREAKFAST OR LUNCH.  IT WAS GETTING
 LATE AND WE WERE GETTING TESTY.  THE ONLY ACCESSIBLE EATING
 ESTABLISHMENT WAS A TACO BELL.  ALTHOUGH IT PAINED US TO BE IN
 CALIFORNIA AND FIND OURSELVES AT THE CLUTCHES OF A TACO BELL, WE
 NEVERTHELESS WERE HUNGRY ENOUGH TO DRIVE-THRU.  WARNING, THE
 MEXI-MELT SHOULD BE AVOIDED AT ALL COSTS. REPEAT, AVOID THE
 MEXI-MELTS.  HOWEVER, SOFT TACOS ARE PERFUNCTORY AND VERY
 INEXPENSIVE.
   [CUT TO TACO BELL EMPLOYEE] I COULD TELL THAT THIS WOMAN IN A
 SUIT WAS HUNGRY.  SO WHEN SHE ORDERED TWO SOFT TACOS AND ASKED IF
 WE HAD ANYTHING RESEMBLING A QUESADILLA, I TOLD HER TO TRY OUR
 MARVELOUS MEXI-MELT.  AFTER SHE SAID, "SURE, GO AHEAD, THROW IN A
 MEXI-MELT," WE THEN ASKED HER, "WOULD YOU LIKE A DRINK?"
   [RETURN TO US] IT SEEMS SILLY IN RETROSPECT, BUT WE WEREN'T
 THINKING OF A DRINK AT THAT TIME AND IT CAUGHT US OFF GUARD. WE
 QUICKLY LOOKED AT THE DRIVE-THRU MENU AND REVIEWED THE DRINKS.
 THERE IT WAS FOR ALL THE WORLD TO SEE.  WE THOUGHT WE HAD DIED
 AND GONE TO HEAVEN.
   [RETURN TO TACO BELL EMPLOYEE]  WHEN SHE ORDERED A LARGE DR.
 PEPPER NO ICE, I KNEW THAT THIS WAS A STRESSED OUT WOMAN. I
 CHEERFULLY REPEATED HER ORDER FOR VERIFICATION AND THE COST OF
 THE ITEMS.  SHE DROVE AROUND AND WAS VERY POLITE WHEN SHE PAID
 AND PICKED UP THE ORDER.  IT CAME TO $4.04.  SHE EVEN HAD THE
 FOUR CENTS!
   [BACK TO US] LET US TELL YOU, WHEN WE STUCK THAT STRAW INTO
 THAT ICE-COLD NON-WATERED DOWN DR. PEPPER AND TOOK THAT LONG
 FIRST DRAW, WE WERE IN NIRVANA.  NO WHERE IN OUR MEMORY BANKS CAN
 WE ACCESS A COLA MOMENT LIKE THAT. SUDDENLY ALL OUR CARES AND
 CONCERNS NO LONGER EXISTED, JUST US AND THE DOCTOR.  EVEN THE
 MEXI-MELT DIDN'T SEEM THAT DISGUSTING. CALL IT FATE, CALL IT
 COINCIDENCE.  WE PREFER TO CALL IT JUST ANOTHER REAL LIFE DR.
 PEPPER TALE.
 ---Oxnardus

========================================
 TOP TEN REASONS WHY THE BORG LIKE PIZZA
 ========================================
 10. Grease enhances joint mobility
 9. A slice of pepperoni, a beer, and motor oil...hmmmm, what a
    combo!
 8. Domino's delivers to nearby solar systems for free
 7. Leftover dried out crusts can be used as weapons of
    destruction.
 6. Screaming, "Anchovies are irrelevant!" always gets big laugh
    at parties
 5. One word: scrumpdiddleyishous!!!
 4. Easy to scarf down a slice in one hand, fly cube and lay
    waste to entire planets with the other
 3. The Big Cahuna pays thousands of units high wages just to
    pick off the olives
 2. A topping alternative solves big problem over what to do with
    those pesky Ferengi
 1. It's better than broccoli
 ---Clueless PSPH17A

==============
 BORG BILLIARDS
 ==============
 WE ARE HAPPY TO PERFORM ANOTHER PUBLIC SERVICE FOR THE BORG
 COLLECTIVE, AND, KEEPING WITH THE CURRENT TREND, WE ANNOUNCE
             O-------------O------------O
             |   o   BORG    o      o   |
 G R A N D   |  o o                     |   O P E N I N G
             |    o  BILLIARDS    o  q ==================
             O-------------O------------0
 ALL ARE INVITED.  FIRST GAME IS ON THE HOUSE.  FEATURING: 8 BALL,
 9 BALL, STRAIGHT UP TO 1000,0000 POINTS, CARAMBOL, SNOOKER, 17
 BALL BORG, AND OTHER COMPETITIONS.

POSITIONS AVAILABLE: [1] BARTENDER; [2] BACK-UP BARTENDER (3);
 [3] Q KEEPER; [4] BALLS SHINER (634); [5] CHALK DUSTER (possibly
 taken); [6] CHEF; [7] WAITER/TRESS (2); [8] CASHIER; [9] BOUNCER
 (2); [10] POOL SHARKS (2)

OTHER OPENINGS MAY BE ANNOUNCED LATER.

HOUSE RULES:
 1. SWEAR FILTHY
 2. GAMBLE COMPULSIVELY
 3. DESTROY PROPERTY WHEN POSSIBLE
 4. BATHROOM IS OUTSIDE
 5. PRAY TO SUPREME MENTOR Novellus PRIOR TO EACH SHOT

OTHER RULES WILL BE FORMULATED AS WE GO.
 8 BALL IN THE LEFT CORNER.
 ---Semenovich

==================
 BORG LATIN LESSONS
 ==================
 "HE EST MORTO, JIMBO!"     / "EO EST A MERRY HOMUNIS NICHT"
 "IN PEPSI VERITAS"         / "EL PLURUBUM MULTUM"
 "VINI, VIDI, VICHI, PIZZA" / "E TU, BRUTUS? SI, E ME, POPEY"
 "RESISTENZIONE EST FUTILETATO, RAGAZZI"  Semenovich of Borg
 ---Semenovich

Semenovitch,
   Allow us to correct your Latin for you.
         Est Mortus, Iimus
         En Pepsius veritas
         Veni, vidi, vicci, pizzam
         Ne sum festivus hominum
         Multus Pluribus
         Et tu Brute? (can't figure out the rest of what you
                        meant to say...)
         Resistere futile est.
 ---Lucretia Borgia

=======================================
 TRANSCRIPT OF LUCRETIA/ALEXIUS MARRIAGE
 =======================================
   Ahem..... AHEM!!!!!!!! ATTENTION ALL UNITS!!!!!
   Oops.... This is a wedding, not a Court procedure.....
 Please be so kind as to place your posteriors in the carefully
 designed folding metal chairs, which you will notice are just a
 LITTLE too small for your rears, and rather hot from being out in
 the sun for 6-8 hours before the ceremony.
   Now that you are comfortable (?), we can begin. [Whoever
 dreamed up this "garden wedding" stuff.... This robe is also very
 hot, and our legs are chafing and.... Oh well, it comes with the
 territory, we guess] We hope you have enjoyed the little finger
 sandwiches, made only from the finest Ferengi fingers, and the
 pate' of Ferengi liver, as the Ferengi did NOT want to hold still
 during all of the preparation time.
   Now, if Big Borg and his Band of Renown will stop blaring out
 all of that Leadbelly stuff, which should be played SOFTLY and
 SLOWLY, NOT as if Wagner and Sousa were competing with each
 other..... Thank you.... [Sheeeshhh. Where'd she get THIS band
 anyway??] The Processional begins, to the gentle, dignified,
 strains of L'Shaina Tovah. [Bet they did not know that Lucretia
 wanted a Jewish wedding, huh???] When the Judge is Jewish, you
 get a Jewish wedding, folks. Just wait until Alexius steps on the
 glass!!!!] The photographer has managed to infuriate everyborg
 already with his maneuver to get a better position for pic-
 taking, the caterer forgot that hot weather and mayonnaise do not
 mix well, the band has just been... restrained.... the florist
 mixed up the orders, and we did NOT think that a wreath was
 acceptable for a wedding! Anyhow, we now see the beautiful Monsta
 tripping down the aisle, throwing flower petals at everyborg. We
 literally mean "tripping" and "throwing". Some borg are even
 throwing the petals back at her cranial region! Isn't she sweet
 in her black leather flower girl attire, with highly polished
 magnesium buttons? Just don't light any matches...
   Next come the Madeborgs of Dishonor; It seems that T'Caer
 might have had something to do with this, as we cannot picture
 Lucretia having friends like this bunch..... Their leathers are
 torn, and the mades [yes, we spelled it the way we wanted] are
 tattooed with such beautiful sentiments as "eat my expletive
 deleted posterior, and your expletive deleted female parental
 unit wears Gucci combat boots" Whoa, boy...At least, they DID
 holster their super squirt guns, which Chaotus was seen loading
 prior to the ceremony..... Okay, now that the Mades have passed
 by, and everyborg has come back up from hiding under their seats,
 we now see the Matron of Honor; at least THIS one, T'Caer did NOT
 get to.... She looks SO dignified in her black leather MINI.....
 Ladyborg and Gentleborg - She's CLUELESS!!!!!! Forgive our...
 excitement, but seeing Clueless in that mini is a little too much
 for this reporter unit.... We HAVE to sit for a moment, as our
 cranial and cardiac and respiratory and neural net are restored
 to working order............ [geez - look at the LEGS on that
 unit!!!!!!]
   Time passes while Chats and the reporter recover......Now,
 coming into the garden, we see the best man, Teaborg. Tea looks
 radiant in his Tails. [We think he's that radiant because he has
 a new office, as well as the fact that a 6'7" Borg weighing 230#
 of solid muscle can look anyway he wants, and we will STILL say
 he looks great] Teaborg comes down the aisle, giving out business
 cards.... They say "free spellink less sons aft her thee wed
 dink. Come [no, we would NOT spell it the other way] two thee off
 ice near thee air port inn LALA land too day. Tea Borg, Tacks
 mann".
   Teaborg has now reached the chupa (the canopy under which the
 wedding party, in particular Lucretia and Alexius) stand. He
 smiles, as the chupa provides a modicum of shade on this beastly
 hot day...We realize that the groom was supposed to have been
 here already, but we were NOT able to get to the rehearsals
 yesterday.... Now the groom is seen. He looks absolutely
 petrified, a common reaction among men who realize that they are
 about to make the mistake of a life...... we mean, ahem, of
 course.... He is wearing his Tails AND a Tux!!!! Alexius, you
 LOOK great, but you must be hot as H..... Wonder who HIS tailor
 is????? The boutoneire (never COULD spell that word) is pink, to
 match the BridesmaDEs' gowns, and very tasteful. As a matter of
 fact, it is SO tasteful that Alexius now EATS it from his
 lapel!!!!! Bad form, Alexius, but we realize that in the flutter
 of preparation over the bride, the groom and his appetite are
 often not the first priority.... It's OK, Alexius..... Alexius is
 being escorted by his parental units, Barney of LamBORGhini and
 Tricius of Betazed. [Escorted is not quite the correct word.....
 DRAGGED is a more accurate one] Alexius looks like he had a.....
 very enjoyable.... bachelor party last night. We, Chatsworthus,
 of course, did not attend as it is beneath our dignity. Also, we
 were NOT invited!!!!!!] Barney and Tricius look very well too,
 considering the effort it must have taken to get Alexius down the
 aisle!!! Now Alexius assumes the position.... we mean... takes
 his place before the table under the chupa, and turns around to
 face the rear of the garden. We hear the beautiful, haunting
 strains of L'Shaina Tovah (loosely translated as "The beautiful
 and good") being played at 140 DB..... WILL SOMEBORG TURN DOWN
 THE BAND!!!!!!!!! ..... being played tastefully and quietly at 40
 DB.... and we all turn around to see.......
                  LUCRETIA!!!!!!!!!!
   Gasps of admiration from the assembled Borg, Vulcans,
 Klingons, Romulans, Q, Politicians, Hangers-on, Toadies, Bashers,
 Visiting Florists from Omicron Ceti III, and papparazi...Lucretia
 is absolutely RADIANT!!!!!!! She seems to shimmer in the
 sunlight... she glows.... OKAY!!!!!! LIGHTING CREW!!! TURN OFF
 THE D*MN 12K's!!!! IT'S HOT ENOUGH HERE!!!!!!!! Now Lucretia
 breathes a gentle sigh of relief, as the temperature comes back
 down to 112 F. Her gown is exquisite, as befits our lovely
 Librarian. We will leave the EXACT description to Sheltius, who
 is FAR better qualified to describe it than we are, but it is
 BEAUTIFUL!!!!!!!! With all of its beauty, however, it is nothing
 compared to the glow seen in Lucretia's eye implants!!!! We have
 NEVER seen her THIS happy in her life!!!!!!!! This unit is
 becoming overwhelmed with emotion...... we always shed tears at
 weddings, especially when we first gaze upon the bride... we have
 NEVER seen a bride this lovely....... Sheltius unit, please take
 over the description here, as we have to regain our Judicial
 composure...... Lucretia arrives under the chupa, and the
 electricity between Alexius and Lucretia is magnificent to
 behold. Even through the veil, we see how she is beaming!!!!
 ---Chats, temporarily speechless. Emphasis on temporarily...

  Lucretia's gown is a silken confection of pearls, diamonds and
 other precious jewels. In fact if Juliet could have had a gown
 and a proper wedding she would have chosen this very gown.
  The bodice is fitted but flares at the waist. the skirt of the
 dress with its many layers of silk taffeta glimmers with the
 embroidered hem of lace and jewels.
   MY! We hope Lucretia takes care of this rare and wonderful
 garment. We hope she will let us wear it one day to our nuptials.
   And we too have never seen our Librarian so beautiful! The
 flowers that wreath her auburn tresses and the veil that trails
 down her back are lovely indeed.
 ---Sheltius, wiping eyes

    Everything at the wedding looks spectacular!  And Lucretia is
 radiant.  Trixanna <aka;Tricius> can sense awe-struck wonder
 emitting from the crowd.  Alexius looks so handsome and makes her
 proud of the day she asked him to come check out the party lovin'
 Borg.  Yes, the day she shared the smart cookies.  As the couple
 begin to exchange their vows, the music and the splendor of the
 evening bring a lonely tear to her eyes.  She is overwhelmed by
 the beauty and the feeling of love that glows around the happy
 couple. "Ah, if only I would settle down long enough to search
 for love of my own," she thought. "but the path I've so far
 chosen is a lonely one." Gathering up her long dress, she blows
 an unseen kiss to Alexius, and quietly leaves the ceremony.  In
 the shadows, a figure awaits her. She surrenders herself to him,
 her eyes gazing not at this horrid creature but at the safe
 ground. And as he roughly takes her arm, they beam away into the
 silence of space...
 ---Trixanna Toy aka Tricius

Chatsworthus has recovered his composure, and we are now ready to
 continue.... Some units have turned off the electricity which was
 flowing between Alexius and Lucretia, so that they have now
 stopped quivering. Who WAS that masked unit, anyway? Chatsworthus
 speaks to the couple standing before him, and says....
   We are gathered here together, in the sight of these witnesses
 and whichever Supreme Being you choose to believe in or not, to
 marry unit Alexius and unit Lucretia in holy Borg trimony. These
 units approach this wonderful moment of their lives with the full
 intention that this will be a union that will last forever. They
 promise to forsake all others, and to live together in peace and
 harmony until rust do them part. This is a truly momentous
 occasion, as these two units........ WHAT'S ALL THAT
 RACKET???????? WHO IS THAT AT THE BACK OF THE GARDEN??????
 NOVELLUS!!!!!!! What is going on here??? Novellus stomps his way
 down to the chupa, saying "I [he alone can use the personal
 pronoun] AM THE DAD OF LUCRETIA!!!! BORGUS BARNEY, GO SIT
 DOWN!!!!! JUST BECAUSE I AM LATE TO MY OWN DAUGHTER'S WEDDING
 DOESN'T MEAN YOU CAN REPLACE ME!!!! DO YOU UNITS KNOW WHAT I WENT
 THROUGH TO GET OUT OF NYC DURING RUSH HOUR????? Novellus looks
 like H*ll, as we units who have managed to survive rush hour
 traffic can understand.... Barney sits, but looks very, very,
 hurt. Three female Borg units.... comfort him... and he starts to
 smile..... Novellus now takes HIS place alongside the couple and
 we continue... ahem.... yes.... forsake all others.. no, we said
 that... yes... these two units will become as one in the eye
 implants of all, now and forever. Alexius and Lucretia have
 written their own wedding vows. First, though,  Alexius is asked:
 Do you, Alexius of Borg, take Lucretia of Borg, as your lawfully
 wedded spousal unit, to love her, honor her, worship her upon a
 pedestal, provide for her to the absolute best of your ability,
 until rust do you part?  We eagerly await Alexius' answer.......
 ---Chats.

We, Alexius of Borg and Borg Master of time, do hereby take
 Lucretia Borgia, Head Librarian as our lawfully wedded spousal
 unit. We pledge to her our undying love and devotion. For her, we
 forsake all others and devote our life to making her happy and
 protecting her from all harm, sadness and trouble. We would give
 our life (circuitry and all parts!) for her without hesitation.
 Darling, you are the love of our life. Before we met you, we were
 lost and alone in Borg Space. We bless the day we met and are
 forever grateful that you have chosen to become our most beloved
 spousal unit. We will never betray your trust in us and will ever
 strive to make you proud of us. We pledge all of our worldly
 goods (including all pizza, colas, and dove bars you can possibly
 eat) to your support and well being. We promise to love you above
 all others, to honor you in sickness and in health. WE LOVE YOU,
 DEAR LITTLE ONE AND ALWAYS WILL.
   Alexius gazes with rapture upon his beautiful Lucretia
 ---Alexius

Alexius, we guess we will take these beautiful vows as meaning
 "Affirmative", and compliment you on the excellent grammar,
 punctuation, spelling, and just plain great sentiment
 expressed!!!! Beautiful job, Alexius unit - If you are half as
 good a Husborg as you are a writer, Lucretia is every bit as
 lucky as we thought!!!!
   We now turn to the lovely Lucretia, and ask her, "Do you,
 Lucretia of Borg, take the unit Alexius, to be your lawful wedded
 Husborg, to love and cherish, in sickness and in health, in good
 times and bad, until rust do you part???? [an aside - what ever
 happened to the word "obey" here?] Oh well, we have to move with
 the tides (or the tidal waves) of change.....
   We await eagerly, Lucretia's answer and vows.....
 ---Chats.

Lucretia stares at her feet, her face flushed and her hands
 trembling for a moment.  There is a disturbance at the back of
 the assembled crowd and then T'Caer, in the custody of her mate,
 Praetor Rav'Ransackum, and of Dons, the Jokemeister, steps into
 view. She is dressed in the original maid of honor dress, and she
 looks impassive as she steps up to the bridal canopy and none to
 gently nudges Clueless back with the other attendants.  She leans
 forward and whispers something to Lucretia, whose smile becomes
 radiant again.
   Lucretia hands T'Caer her bouquet, takes a deep breath and
 reaches for Alexius' hands.
     "We, Lucretia Borgia, do take Alexius of Borg to be our
 spousal unit....we have grown to love this unit very much and we
 want all assembled here to know that we pledge our life, our soul
 and our body to this gentle, loving, caring unit, entrusting him
 with all that we have and all that we are, until we are parted by
 death.  We honor this unit and respect him, he is our friend, our
 helper and our most beloved choice for mate.  Before we met
 Alexius, we were a quiet unit, studious and meek, unsure of
 ourselves and all that we could be.  Since we have met Alexius,
 we have found our courage and have learned to begin to stand up
 for what we believe in.  On this day we marry our friend, the one
 we live with, laugh with and love.  Through all time, in all
 places and in all ways, we shall remain faithful to this unit,
 strive always to place your needs equal to ours and to be there
 in times of need.  We Love you Alexius.
    Suddenly shy again, the bride turns her head to Chatsworthus
 and awaits his continuation of the ceremony.
 ---Lucretia

We are very happy that you accept the unit Alexius, and your
 self-written vows were truly lovely!! We guess that it's time for
 the next question, which we are required by Borg law to ask....
   Is there anyborg present who feels that there is any reason
 whatever that units Alexius and Lucretia should not be joined now
 and forever in holy Borgtrimony? If so, let him or her KEEP HIS
 OR HER LABIAL IMPLANTS CLOSED, NOW AND FOREVER!!!! We don't want
 any of that cr*p around here!!!! GOT IT???? Have we made
 ourselves quite clear????? Good.... Now, we proceed....The ring
 is a perfect circle, symbolizing many things; the perfection of a
 relationship, the circle of life, and the need to return to where
 you have come from, to realize just how far you have travelled in
 life. Alexius and Lucretia have chosen to have a double ring
 ceremony. First, we will ask Alexius to place the ring on
 Lucretia's finger and repeat - Lucretia, my beloved bride, we
 will love you for as long as we are able to draw breath. We will
 have no other units besides yourself. We will support you in the
 best possible manner that we are capable of providing. We ask
 that you accept this symbol of our undying (until rust, that is)
 love for you................................................
 ............................................................
 Lucretia places the ring upon her finger implant, and a tear of
 joy falls upon it, which the papparazi photographer manages to
 catch for posterity..............Chats now turns to Lucretia, and
 says...Lucretia, please repeat after us: Alexius, dear unit, we
 place this ring upon your digital implant and say that we will
 love you as long as we are able to draw breath. We will have no
 other units besides yourself. We will do our best to contribute
 to our mutual support and well-being. We ask that you accept this
 ring as a symbol of our undying (until rust, that is) love for
 you...... Lucretia places the ring upon  the finger of Alexius
 unit, and the smile from Alexius absolutely lights up the entire
 room!!!!!! These are two HAPPY Borg!!!!!! Chatsworthus gives the
 happy couple a moment to gaze upon each other's splendor, and
 then speaks, for a change.....
  Unit Alexius, and Unit Lucretia, you have both stated your vows
 to each other and to this company, as witnesses thereof and
 heretofore and other legal gobbledegook type stuff. Ahem ... We
 will now taste the wine, which symbolizes, to some extent the
 bittersweet portions of marriage. The appropriate brucha
 (blessing) is said, and Alexius and Lucretia sip from the Kiddush
 Cup. SIP, NOT GUZZLE!!!! Geez, some Borg.... AHEM!!!! Okay, now
 comes perhaps the most symbolic portion of the entire
 ceremony.... Alexius will now step on the glass, which symbolizes
 the sacrilege and destruction of the Temple, so long ago. We must
 never forget this sacrilege, nor let it happen again.... Chats
 places the glass on the floor, and unit Alexius raises his size
 34 pedal implant about 14 inches in the air. He lowers it
 rapidly, shattering the glass to smithereens. At this moment, the
 entire assemblage of Borg, Q, Vulcans, Romulans, Master and
 Beast, and all other units from all over the galaxy, jump to
 their own equivalent of feet, and shout for all to hear......
         MAZEL TOV!!!!!!!!!!!! (good luck)
 Wild applause breaks out, congratulations, etc etc blah blah
 ---Chats

The ceremony concluded, Alexius and the lovely Lucretia turn to
 face the audience. Cameras flash from all over the hall.
 Chatsworthus has only one more duty to perform. He steps between
 Alexius and Lucretia and says to the assembled congregation:
 Ladyborgs and Gentleborgs and all other units; it is our distinct
 pleasure to present, for the first time, MR AND MRS ALEXIUS OF
 BORG!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
   The crowd applauds wildly, using hands, feet, other
 appendages, chairs, tables, confetti, one hand clapping, trees
 falling in the forest, etc etc. The happy couple is about to step
 down from the Chupah, but Chats gently and firmly reminds Alexius
 that the fee for performing the ceremony is now due and payable
 in full, in pizza from Geno's of Chicago and also from J & B's of
 Austin Street, Forest Hills, NY.
   Alexius, for some unknown reason, does not have the pizzas on
 his person.......Chatsworthus calls upon his collection agent,
 T'Caer... EOT!
 --Chatsworthus

    T'Caer leans over and whispers something to Alexius, who
 pales visibly and nods affirmatively.  She then turns to Chats
 and whispers to him.  Strangely he also pales visibly and nods
 his head.  Both gentleman seem to have reached an understanding.
 ---T'Caer

   The guests stream into the tent area where the reception has
 been set up.
   The band plays and many take to the dance floor.
   Everywhere you look there are exotic flowers, lush tropical
 plants and tiny white lights strung from the ceiling. The tables
 are set with the finest crystal and china imported from the
 planet earth. Candles and flowers adorn the center of each table.
   Many guests laden with wedding gifts are directed to the gift
 table to deposit their treasures.
   Hors d'oeuvres and champagne are served by the waiters.
 Everyone awaits with mounting excitement for the bridal party to
 arrive.
   IS it them????????????????
   Everyone turns to the entrance to the tent expectantly.......
 ---Sheltius

==============
 EDITOR NOTICES
 ==============
   The Borg Club is located EVERYWHERE. If you wish to be
 assimilated just ask a local Borg to do so. We are sure they
 would be more than happy to assimilate you quickly and
 painlessly, not to mention take your culture and technology from
 you as well.

=================
 COPYRIGHT NOTICES
 =================
 "RIF" acknowledges that Paramount Pictures and its various
 subsidiaries as having the sole rights to the Star Trek
 trademark. "RIF" has no intention to infringe upon that copyright
 or earn profit from this publication. It is distributed free of
 charge. This newsletter may be distributed by anyone if kept
 intact and not altered in any way. Consider it shareware
 publishing! Resistance is Futile, copyright (c) 1993 by RIF BBS.

============================
 BACK ISSUES OF RIF AVAILABLE
 ============================
 Missing an issue? Used your RIF for a place mat or coaster one
 time too many? Just mail a self-addressed stamped ($.52) business
 sized envelope indicating which issue you'd like to RIF BBS, P.O.
 Box 7822, Onxard, CA 93031 and that abused issue will be
 replaced. At this time, the issues available are numbers 1 (May
 1992) through 13 (October 1993).


============
 CONTRIBUTORS
 ============
 Alexius
 Borgus Barney TFSV34A
 BUGBORG HNXB80A
 Chatsworthus of Borg BFSF75A
 Clueless of Borg PSPH17A
 Coloraturus
 Galahadus
 Hartius of Borg XCPB76A
 Las Larius VTKR18D
 Lucretia Borgia
 Marianus NRCR88A
 MONTANUS TPVH97A
 Novellus  GMDH77A
 Oxnardus GEnie:K.Taborn; Prodigy:HCMH17A; InterNet:
 [e-mail]; FidoNet: Oxnardus @ 1:206/2513;
 VirtualNet: 197 @ 1805020; WWIVNet: Oxnardus 115 @ 8500;
 AnarchyNet: Oxnardus @42:1005/1201; RIF BBS: Oxnardus; RIPCITY:
 Oxnardus; RIF BBS, P.O. Box 7822, Oxnard, CA 93031
 XPraetor Rav'Ransackum Ta'iilam
 Rialtus VCBD90A
 RUBBERUS CHECKUS  BVBP84A
 SCOTT HARRIGAN   JMCH13A
 Semenovich HVBW68C
 Sheltius
 Swannox HCMH17F
 T'Caer
 Tricius  WJPM68D

                      RESISTANCE IS FUTILE
                  Reprint Issue for Downloading
 [The following newsletter is a special reprint created specially
 for distribution over BBS systems. RIF is the newsletter of the
 "Borg Club", an organization originally only located on the
 Prodigy Network Service from February  1992 to April 1993. It
 expanded into the GEnie Network in May 1993, the NVN Network in
 June 1993, and into various other BBSes and networks from July
 1993. WARNING: The first seven issues of RIF were assumed to be
 read by Prodigy members. All IDs are Prodigy IDs. Many of the
 references are made to Prodigy idiosyncracies.]








        _____________       ____________      ____________
     * / R            \   */             \  */             \
    * |  E  ______    |   *\____     ____/  *|     ________/
    * |  S |******|   |    ****|     |***   *| F  |********
    * |  I |     *|   |       *|     |      *| U  |____
    * |  S ~~~~~~~  /         *|  I  |      *| T       \
    * |  T  ____    \         *|  S  |      *| I   ____/
    * |  A |*** \    \        *|     |      *| L  |***
    * |  N |    * \    \   ___*|     |____  *| E  |
    * |  C |      * \    \/               \ *|    |
    * \__E_/        * \___/______________/  *\____/
      *****          **** **************     *****
                          P.O. Box 7822
                        Oxnard, CA 93031

THE OFFICIAL ORGAN OF THE GALACTIC BORG CONSCIOUSNESS
 ISSUE NUMBER 7
 February 1993

RESISTANCE IS FUTILE ("RIF") is published and edited by Oxnardus
 and Ripley for distribution on various national electronic
 services and local electronic BBS echos. Address listings,
 copyright notices, editorial notices, and information on back
 issues are printed at the end of this newsletter. All
 correspondence should be sent by e-mail to Oxnardus or Ripley
 (addresses given at end of newsletter) or mailed to "Resistance
 is Futile", P.O. Box 7822, Oxnard, CA 93031.

=========
 CONTENTS
 =========

HISTORIC FIRST POSTS OF THE BORG CLUB!
 CHEX MIX PARTY MIX
 BORG LIBRARY OVERDUE NOTICES
 BORG SHORT BIOS
 REPORT ON SWANNOX'S SWEARING IN
 BORG VALENTINES
 AT LAST!  THE REASON FOR SWANNOX'S MARSHALL FOOTBALL MANIA
 REVEALED!!!!
 ADVERTISEMENT: Borg Blues Club
 PECULIAR TRANSCRIPT
 BLUES CLUB RULES


======================================
 HISTORIC FIRST POSTS OF THE BORG CLUB!
 ======================================
 ARTS CLUB
 TO:            ALL
 FROM:          JASON PERLOW
 TOPIC:         SCIENCE FICTION
 SUBJECT:       BORG CLUB
 TIME:          02/17/92  7:23 PM

For some reason, everyone is making great effort to disrupt the
 lines of reason.  I say join the BORG CLUB, a group of dedicated
 Computerphile-Evildoers dedicated to the disruption of rediculous
 topics and unfair, nasty BBS'ers who insist on insulting other
 people and BEING A JERK IN GENERAL.  You don't need any
 permission to Join, just say you're a BORG!!!  It's SOOO
 SIMPLE!!!

Jason "Novellus" Perlow of BORG

To:       JASON PERLOW
 FROM:     KYM TABORN
 SUBJECT:  BORG CLUB
 TIME:     02/18/92  11:51AM

And I thought I had been just bored recently.  Now I discover I
 was actually borged.  I am Oxnardus of Borg.  I was previously a
 musicologist on the Enterprise, but apparently the Borg got me.
 I've never been anything other than human.  Being a Borg might be
 the answer to all my problems.

--Oxnardus of Borg (HCMH17A)

TO:       MARIAN SAMUELS
 FROM:     JASON PERLOW
 SUBJECT:  ST: TROI QUESTION
 TIME:     02/21/92  4:43PM

MARIAN OF TERRA:
 TYPING IN ALL CAPS IDENTIFIES YOURSELF AS A BORG, OR DESIRE TO
 BECOME ASSIMILATED. AS I DO NOT HAVE YOUR PROFILE IN THE BORG
 DATABASE, I WOULD ASSUME YOU HAVE NOT YET RECEIVED YOUR PROCESSOR
 IMPLANTS.
 WARMEST REGARDS SUPREME BORG
 NOVELLUS

TO:       KYM TABORN
 FROM:     MARIAN SAMUELS
 SUBJECT:  ST-BORG
 TIME:     02/22/92  12:02AM

"A" EQUALS "A" SUB "0" TIMES "e" TO THE MINUS 0.639 TIMES "t"
 DIVIDED BY "T" SUB ONE-HALF.  IF YOU CAN TELL ME WHAT THAT IS THE
 FORMULA FOR, YOU MAY ASSIMILATE ME.

MARIAN
 (Editors Note:  the formula for radioactive decay)


==================
 CHEX MIX PARTY MIX
 ==================
 CHEX PARTY MIX- served at all Supreme Court functions...
 Preheat oven to 250 degrees.
 1/4 C butter or margarine
 4 1/2 t Worcestershire sauce
 1 1/4 - 1 1/2 t of "seasoning" salt
 8 C assorted Chex brand cereals
 1 C nuts (mixed or whatever kind you like)
 1 C pretzel sticks

In a deep baking pan, melt the butter or
 margarine in the oven.  Stir in the salt and
 Worcestershire sauce.  Slowly add the
 cereal, nuts, and pretzels, stirring until
 well coated (the mix, not you).  Bake for
 one hour, uncovered. Stir every 1/4 hour.
 Remove.  Spread on paper towels until
 cool.  Store in an air-tight container.

Makes 2 1/2 quarts.
 --Marianus of Borg

============================
 BORG LIBRARY OVERDUE NOTICES
 ============================
 TO:  Chatsworthus        ITEM:  Bonsai:  A Gardening Guide
 TO:  Allofus             ITEM:  Chastity:  A How to Manual
 TO:  Smorgus             ITEM:  Build Your Own Decks and Spas
 TO:  Marianus            ITEM:  The Lady Wore Black
 TO:  Tormin Kyril        ITEM:  You Can Say No To Your Child
 TO:  Rubberus Checkus    ITEM:  Raising Beef Cattle
 TO:  Daimon Kym          ITEM:  Investment Banking
 TO:  Fynn                ITEM:  Foxfire #7
 TO:  T'Caer              ITEM:  Shiruken
 TO:  Q2                  ITEM:  Exotic Getaway Ideas
 TO:  Dons                ITEM:  Rodent Hunter's Annual #5
 TO:  Hellacious          ITEM:  Miss Manner's Guide to the Borg
 TO:  Harper              ITEM:  100 Irish Ballads
 TO:  Olympius            ITEM:  Carl Blegan's Search for Illium
 TO:  Sheltius            ITEM:  My Secret Garden
 TO:  Rialtus             ITEM:  Innocents Abroad
 TO:  Pretentious Pompus  ITEM:  The Satyricon and Traupman's
                                Latin Dictionary
 TO:  Swannox             ITEM:  Advanced Circuit Engineering
 ---LUCRETIA OF BORG(MBJM54B)

===============
 BORG SHORT BIOS
 ===============
 Ashley Wiggs
 Wiggalus
 -------------
 First, my borg self was created on Feb. 20th.  I am the second
 oldest Borg on the board.  In real life, I live in Springfield,
 MO.  I am 16 years old and a junior in high school.  My interests
 include Media, Gymnastics, Japanese, Spanish, and of course, Star
 Trek.  I just got my driver's license last month and am trying to
 get a job.  I am in scouts and work at a summer camp every
 summer.  I love to camp and be in the wilderness.  My grades at
 school are average and my GPA is 3.3.  If any Borg would like to
 write and get to know me better, write to me at 1436 W.
 Riverside, SPFD, MO  65807.
 ---Goodbye, Wiggalus of Borg

Kym Masera Taborn-
 Oxnardus
 -----------------
 Kym Masera Taborn, 34, is an attorney living in Oxnard,
 California.  She has one (1) husband, 39, named Wesley, and one
 (1) son, 4, named Ira.  She spends too much time on Prodigy and
 needs more discipline in her chaotic life.  Although generally
 well-liked, some people can't stand her.  Lately she has been in
 a creative void and she would like to get out but can't figure
 out how.  She has achieved very little in the past 34 years and
 expects to do even less for the rest of her tenure on Earth.  In
 her productive days, she was the first editor of Resistance is
 Futile and was a Big Cahuna of the Borg Club.  Currently, she is
 just a statistic.

Marian Samuels-
 Chief Justice Marianus
 ----------------------
 Conceived during the same month as the assassination of JFK,
 Marian was born in Reno, NV and was raised in Las Vegas.  After
 graduating from the University of Nevada, Las Vegas with a B.S.
 in Nuclear Medicine, she worked for a few years in utter boredom.
 Jumping at the chance to move to the Pacific Northwest in 1990,
 she is now extremely happy with her job of injecting live humans
 with radioactive materials.  Living alone (except for her three
 cats, chinchilla, turtle and aquarium full of fish), she turned
 to Prodigy, like many other members, in an attempt to communicate
 with those who don't roll their eyes when Star Trek is mentioned.
 The Borg club turned out to be the perfect outlet for Marian's
 medically-documented, tilted brain.  With a sense of humor that
 has been called "perpendicular," she has been known to cause
 trouble on occasion.

Richard Feldman-
 Chatsworthus
 ----------------
 Richard Feldman was born at a very early age... no, that won't
 do... got it!  Rich was born on 1/15/42 in Brooklyn, NY.  He had
 a very uneventful childhood, played quite a bit of stick-ball and
 kick the can, got teased by his more athletic peers about his
 lack of athletic ability, and was usually the last to be chosen
 for any sports teams... He was a decent bowler, and had a lot of
 fun, and met some nice females in the process.  He was graduated
 from Lincoln HS in Brooklyn, NY in '59, where he was in the band
 (sax and clarinet); as a result, got to go to all of the football
 games free!  As we were city champs in '57 or '58, it was a GREAT
 time!  Went to Brooklyn College '59-'63, major in Bio, minor in
 chem.  Met many talented people of widely diverse backgrounds;
 was a wonderful horizon expander, as I found that good people
 come in all colors, sizes, shapes, and from all countries.  I
 realized that the sky's the limit... I killed two years in NYU
 Dental School, before finding out that a man with 10 left thumbs
 should perhaps pursue a different career path!  Was doing medical
 lab work to pick up spare change and turned to this full time,
 for about 3 years, then entered Jr Hi Science teaching; kept
 doing lab on the side and specialized in Hematology, Chemistry,
 and Blood Bank.  Did mixture of lab and teaching for total of
 about 12 years, then left lab around '83.  Taught Jr Hi and HS
 Sciences, then in '88, able to enter Studio Teaching.  Have found
 my niche in life, as I thoroughly enjoy it!  Will go back to the
 public "education" system the day after hell freezes over, if I
 don't call in sick that day... Married 26 years to Gail, have two
 lovely daughters, Judy (17) and Taija (16.5) our Finnish exchange
 student.  She will be with us until about 7/93, then will return
 home... damnit... Found *P because they offered a "free" month!!!
 Got hooked and probably will have to join *PA.  Hey, AA works,
 why not *PA??  (26+ years Clean and Sober - THAT, plus my
 daughters, means I HAVE accomplished something with my life...)
 Love y'all, and hope I haven't bored you to tears...
 ---Chats

Sheltius
 --------
 Name:  Candice Woolen
 Age:  Irrelevant
 Height:  short
 Weight:  Too much
 Eyes: 2 - dark brown
 Hair:  Deep black-brown
 Race:  Only greyhounds and formula one racecars.  (I am the
 lightest shade of white that you can be, unfortunately.  Morticia
 has nothing on me)
 General:  No, but I made it to E-5 promotable in the Navy.
 Hobbies:  Collecting antiques, reading, learning new things,
 computer, *P, showing my Shelties in the obedience ring.
 Education:  Navy technical schools (Electronic Warfare,
 Cryptological Tech school).  Some college.  Working towards my
 degree (STILL).
 Occupation:  artist and mother.
 Recent accomplishment:  helped with a $5,000 commission for a
 stained glass panel for a REALLY rich person's home.
 Learned how to infiltrate Cal Borgy VAX and cause problems for
 one Rialtus of Borg.
 Aspirations:  raise my child to be a good and loving human (even
 if he claims Klingon parentage), finish my degree, free myself
 from the servitude I am in and be financially secure to pursue my
 glass work with no restrictions.
 Other:  Live in TX.  Have invaded various locales.  Biggest
 invasions to come... February will see me invading the Bahamas,
 then March will see me commanding the invading forces from TX to
 LALA land.  (don't tell T'Caer, tho)
 Characters on the BB:  Sheltius, Shadow, Queue, and (rarely)
 Taylor.
 Characters in real life:  Only  myself, but I do hear these
 voices from time to time.
 Mi cube es su cube.  If you feel an invasion coming on you -
 think of TX!  We treat all invaders great - ask Chats.  He's
 still alive!

Julia Smith-Ruetz-
 Olympius
 ------------------
 I really did have a bucolic childhood in the next-to-the-last
 frontier, with Mt. Rainier looming over me every time the clouds
 broke.  I came home from St. Peter's Hospital up the same
 driveway that leads to my home now, but a few months later we
 moved up closer to the Mountain, to a huge cold old house on a
 farm with morels [ look it up --ed.] in the orchard in the
 spring, which I still inhabit in my dreams.  When I was three, we
 lost altitude and moved to Yelm, across the road from where the
 Ramtha Movement World Headquarters now sits.
 I had a morbidly wholesome childhood, alieviated only by the fact
 that my family was more SOMETIMES A GREAT NOTION than MAKE ROOM
 FOR DADDY.  I was in Girl Scouts and 4-H and several summers went
 to four Vacation Bible schools.
 When I was fifteen, we moved closer to sea level again and built
 a house across from the Evergreen Dance Hall, where every
 Saturday until three, bands that sounded just like Nirvana kept
 my family and our cows awake and drowned out the coyotes.  The
 suburbs started to encroach, high school was hellish, I had hair
 like Chelsea Clinton when it was cool to look like Cher, but then
 I went to college and got to be an intellectual character and
 that was sweet.
 I may have been the only non-drinking, non-potsmoking virgin ever
 to graduate from Hippy Haven, THE Evergreen State College, but it
 took just eight weeks of an Archaeological field school to cure
 all that.
 Since graduating from college the first time, I have been an
 intermittently employed student of
 life - actually, I was a regular student for a lot of that time,
 and since 1982 have been married to the REAL Trekker, Mr. Space.
 Now I am the stay-at-home Mom of SamanAnna, or as Anna types on
 Storywriter SAM6ANNAB4.  We live on the same farm where my father
 spent his childhood, within earshot and dish-rattling distance of
 the big guns at Fort Lewis.
 Although I watched TOS during its first run and every time I got
 a chance thereafter and always try to watch new episodes of TNG
 when they're on, I am the third fan in our household;  Space is
 the Con Veteran and Sam, the trivia hound.  Sam is now being
 motivated to learn to read better so he can read the Hitchhiker's
 Guide trilogy in five volumes, and loves DS9.  Anna says it's too
 scary.  The dogs are neutral.

Shari Snelling
 Incredulous
 --------------
 I was born and raised in Wheaton, Illinois.  I left home as soon
 as I could, at 18, and went to college in California.
 My first day of college I sat next to a young man in a journalism
 class.  Three years later, I married him.
 We've (oh, his name is Dan, BTW) been married 10 years now.
 We have 3 kids, Rachel (6), Stephen (4 1/2), and Sarah (3).
 Rachel was born with Spina Bifida.  So, parenthood wasn't exactly
 what we expected, as it began with an extensive crash course in
 medical care.  By the grace of God, we managed to stay sane,
 married, and have two more perfectly healthy children and Rachel
 has grown into a well-adjusted, beautiful and highly intelligent
 little girl.
 I am currently finishing my MA in English Literature, with
 tentative plans to take the law boards and go to law school next
 year.
 I've lived in CA for 13 years now, and I love it.  I also enjoy
 reading, skiing, Godiva chocolate, orchids, gardening, I.B.C.
 Rootbeer, needlework, staying in good hotels, Rutherford Hill
 Merlot, horseback riding and a good piece of prime rib.
 Let's see...I'm 30-something, and I have no plans to run for
 public office, on the boards or anywhere else!

Ryan Eggleston
 Armadillius
 ---------------
 NAME:  Ryan Eggleston
 BIRTHDATE:  February 12, 1977
 CITY AND STATE:  Kaysville, UT
 INFO:  I have lived most of my life in California, namely in the
 city of Redding.  In December of 1991, I moved to Utah.
 I like to read, write stories and draw things.  Currently in
 school, I am taking a Commercial Art class because I want to be a
 Commercial Artist later on in life.
 In June of 1992 (??), I joined the Borg Club on Prodigy under the
 name Armadillius.  There are three characters who I am:
 Armadillius of Borg, Armadillo and Ahman-dillo.
 While we were on the Sci-Fi Board, I ran a Candy Store, but now I
 don't.

Rialtus
 -------
 Name:  Carl R. Knecht
 Alias(es):  Rialtus, QBerty, BEAST (G), Carlos O'Brien, unknown
 others...
 Height:  6 foot
 Hair:  yep, a few of them on my head.  Hey, look!  They are
 brown!
 Eyes:  two.  Hazel
 Sex:  I wish! (I think this is a bit obvious...)
 Race:  to the "Finnish" line [hide me from Chats!!]
 Age:  mumble, mumble...WHO WANTS TO KNOW?
 Facial Hair:  to put this question to rest (finally), yes, I have
 facial hair in the form of a mustache.  Sheeesh...
 Occupation:  Chicken flipper overseer (for real, kinda!) Crew
 leader, El Pollo Loco in Rialto, CA.
 Student at Cal Poly, Pomona.  Computer Information Systems major.
 Hobbies:  Borging around, looking at the pretty women, listening
 to music, computer stuff, looking at the pretty women, doing
 terrible imitations, looking at the pretty women, telling bad
 jokes, looking at the pretty women.
 Favorite songs:  If You Ask Me To, Devil with the Blue Dress On.
 Favorite Book(s):  Hitchhiker's Trilogy
 Languages:  illeterate in all of them.
 Motto(s):  Life sucks, and so does a vacuum cleaner.  yub yub.
 another brilyunt mind diztroyed by the publik edukashun sistem.
 Various other information:  GET ME OUTTA  RIALTO, PLEASE!!!!!!!

===============================
 REPORT ON SWANNOX'S SWEARING IN
 ===============================
   After the Borg Choir finishes it's rousing celebration of
 Swannox, the Chief Justice Marianus turns to the President-elect,
 "place your hand on the book."  Swannox does so.  The book is
 ancient.  It's leather-bound pages are yellowed, the spine shows
 the signs of recent repair.  The title of the book had, many
 years past, been worn away by the hands of past Presidents of the
 Collective.  Marianus smiles at Swannox, "repeat after me:
   "I, (state your name), do solemnly swear that I will
 faithfully execute the office of the President of the Borg
 Consciousness, and will, to the best of my ability, preserve,
 protect and defend the Collective."
   Swannox repeats the words and a great "Hurrah!" is heard from
 the crowd.  "And now," Marianus says, stepping aside, "I give you
 The President of The Collective!!"  The crowd goes wild.
 --Marianus

My fellow Borg:
   Today we celebrate the mystery of Collective renewal.  This
 ceremony is held in the depth of Chex-mix.  But, be the words we
 speak and the faces we show the collective, we force the pizza
 party.
   A spring reborn in the oldest collective, that brings forth
 the vision and courage to reinvent the collective.  When our
 founders boldly declared the Collectives independence to the
 universe and our purposes to the Almighty (insert Chief Justice,
 Oxnardus, Chats or borg of your choice), they knew that the
 Collective, to endure, would have to carry more change to order
 pizza.  On behalf of our nation, I salute (give'm the bird) my
 predecessor, President Nero, ah, I mean Bush, for his
 half-century of sticking it to, ah, I mean service to the
 Collective.
   Today, a generation raised in the shadows of the Cola Wars
 assumes new responsibilities in a world warmed by the sunshine of
 freedom, but threatened still by ancient hatreds and pizza
 thiefs.
   From this joyful mountaintop of celebration, we hear a call to
 service (more like a call for a pizza) in the valley.  We have
 heard the trumpets, we have changed the guard.  And now, each in
 our way, we must answer the call and deliver in less than 30
 minutes.  Thank you and Bless you all.
   Your President:
   Swannox of Borg

===============
 BORG VALENTINES
 ===============
 To the love of my life, whom I will love eternally (or at least
 until we run out of pizza);  The incredibly beautiful and
 wonderful and smart and talented and fantastic T'Caer, Qubert,
 Morgannus, Chanperson, BeauQ, Tormin Kyril, Deannus, Sh'Ree,
 Tricius, K'Sar, EC SU T'P, T'PII, Marianus, T'Ruly, Sheltius, and
 of course, my lovely nieces, T'Jul and GQ.  Also deepest personal
 regards to any and all females whom I may have inadvertently
 forgotten to include!!!
 --Chatsworthus of Borg.  What's this "one woman" stuff, anyway?

     My dearest Gomez,
     Don't torture yourself darling...
     that's MY  job!
     Love, Your darling Tish.
 ---Tricius

Rialtus, my studborg,
 Happy Valentine's Day!
 ---Sheltius - waiting faithfully

==========================================================
 AT LAST!  THE REASON FOR SWANNOX'S MARSHALL FOOTBALL MANIA
 REVEALED!!!!
 ==========================================================
   On Nov 14, 1970, A DC9, with 75 members of the team, coaching
 staff, and community who were returning from an away game,
 crashed on final approach in Huntington to Tri-State Airport.
 All 75 members of the plane were killed.  It was/is the greatest
 sports tragidy in history.  Marshall's Program was in a slump
 before the plane crash, and suffered due to poor funding and lack
 of facilities (one side of Fairfield stadium collapsed during a
 game).  Marshall suffered horribly with seasons that consisted of
 maybe 1 or 2 wins a year until the mid 1980's when we won 6
 games.  Since then, Marshall Football has built up steam and in
 1987, made it's first appearance in the 1-AA playoffs,  making it
 to the championship game where we were beat by 1 point.  We made
 the playoffs in 1988 and lost in the second round.  In 1991, we
 made the NCAA 1-AA playoffs again, making it to the championship
 game, where we lost by 6 to Youngstown State.  Also that year,
 Marshall opened Marshall Stadium, a 30 million dollar, 30,000
 seat state of the art facility for football.
   Marshall has been fighting with the state (WV) for 20 years
 for better facilities (the old place had port-johns).  In 1992,
 Marshall and Huntington was awarded host City and School for the
 1992-1993-1994 1-AA playoffs.  Marshall  again made it to the
 playoffs and made it to the 1-AA title game against Youngstown
 state again.  Marshall, on a 22 year mission, beat YSU 31-28 to
 claim Marshall's first National Title.  Marshall has come from
 tragedy, from worst to first.
   1992 National Champions
   Marshall University Thundering Herd
 ---Swannox of Borg

=============
 ADVERTISEMENT
 =============
 A World of Adventure and Good Food Awaits You at the Borg Blues
 Club!!

Visit today and your host, Swannox, will personally grace you
 with his presence at your table.  If you have trouble deciding
 what to order from the vast menu of libations, he will be more
 than happy to point out the most potent drinks guaranteed to make
 you wear a lampshade on your head for the rest of the evening.
 But the fabulous menu is just the tip of the Iceberg 'O Fun
 you'll find waiting for you at the BBC.  This is the hangout of
 the rich and famous.  You will see such noted Borg as Sheltius
 and her eager puppy, Rialtus.  You will be accosted by none other
 than T'Caer herself.  You may actually catch a glimpse of the
 Chief Justice as she enters the Club and makes a bee-line for the
 Chex Mix Room (tours available: see the management for further
 details).

===================
 PECULIAR TRANSCRIPT
 ===================
 The following is the transcript of the memory core of Rubberus
 Checkus, downloaded right after Rubberus Checkus' sad demise.
 Scientists believe that Rubberus Checkus was badly in need of a
 trip to Jiffy Cube but foolishly put it off until it was too
 late.

TRANSCRIPT:
     Suddenly Mr. Haney stops and squints into the sun.  "All is
 not well in Hooterville," he exclaims.
     "But Marsha," Peter said, "Us boys were here first. We
 deserve the big room."
     Marsha glared at him and said, "Peter Brady, you are NOT
 being fair about this!"
     "Golly gee, Beav," Wally said, "Dad is going to be really
 mad at you."
     Drawing his pistol and leveling it on Bart, Maverick said,
 "now...let's not get too hasty about leaving town."
     Bart, with a disgusted look on his face, turned his head
 slightly and spit a long stream of tobacco juice into the dust of
 the street.
     "I'm not going anywhere partner," Bart said.
     "Woof...woof! Woof, woof!"  Lassie approached Timmy and
 nuzzled his hand, then turned and took a few running steps toward
 the woods.
     "What is it, girl?" Timmy said. "Is the electrical power
 station about to be blown up by terrorists?"
     "Can I have some gum, Deputy Fife," the cute little
 redheaded extra said.
     "Sure Opie. Let me just get you a piece," Deputy Fife said
 as he dug into his otherwise empty ammo pouch hanging from his
 highly polished Sam Browne belt.
     "Ugh...uhhhh...huh...," Speed Racer grunted
 as he leaned into a turn, fighting to keep control of the auto.
     "Slow down, Speed," exclaimed Trixy, sitting beside him but
 not too close as he was, after all, a boy.
     "What 'cha doing, little buddy," the Skipper asked as he sat
 down at the coconut and bamboo radio.
     "Just wondering how this damn thing works since we have no
 vacuum tubes or transistors, Skipper,"  Gilligan said as he
 deftly tood the radio apart using the point of his Bowie knife.
     Buffy looked at Mr. French and said, "can I have more french
 fries?"
     Mr. French, smiling that irritating and condescending smile
 of his, said, "of course, Buffy."  Turning back to the kitchen,
 he mumbled, "(mumble mumble stupid little mumble mumble
 ponytailed mumble mumble...)"
 ---Rubberus Checkus

================
 BLUES CLUB RULES
 ================
 In order to serve our customers better, the following rules have
 been set up at the Borg Blues Club.

1.  No Alcohol served to Minors.
 2.  No synthohol served.
 3.  No fighting.
 4.  All powers must be made known to the security chief.
 5.  Q are not minors.
 6.  Management reserves the right to refuse  service to anyone.
 7.  Decisions by Swannox and T'Caer are final.
 8.  No Ferengi served (either as hors d' ourves or as customers).
 9.  Nobody can change the channel on the Big Screen TV when the
    Boss is watching Marshall  University Sporting Events.

The Security Team currently consists of the following:

Security Chief:     T'Caer
 Seconds:       Fynn
 Bouncers:      Tafv, Jhames, GQ,
               Georg, Beast,
               Sarlik
 Honorary:      LKS, LKM, Q'lar

Address all complaints to the Security team.  All other Questions
 will be answered by Swannox, Owner and Manager of the Borg Blues
 Club.

Policies written by Swannox and T'Caer
 --Swannox

==============
 EDITOR NOTICES
 ==============
   The Borg Club is located EVERYWHERE. If you wish to be
 assimilated just ask a local Borg to do so. We are sure they
 would be more than happy to assimilate you quickly and
 painlessly, not to mention take your culture and technology from
 you as well.

=================
 COPYRIGHT NOTICES
 =================
 "RIF" acknowledges that Paramount Pictures and its various
 subsidiaries as having the sole rights to the Star Trek
 trademark. "RIF" has no intention to infringe upon that copyright
 or earn profit from this publication. It is distributed free of
 charge. This newsletter may be distributed by anyone if kept
 intact and not altered in any way. Consider it shareware
 publishing! Resistance is Futile, copyright (c) 1993 by RIF BBS.

============================
 BACK ISSUES OF RIF AVAILABLE
 ============================
 Missing an issue? Used your RIF for a place mat or coaster one
 time too many? Just mail a self-addressed stamped ($.52) business
 sized envelope indicating which issue you'd like to RIF BBS, P.O.
 Box 7822, Onxard, CA 93031 and that abused issue will be
 replaced. At this time, the issues available are numbers 1 (May
 1992) through 13 (October 1993).


============
 CONTRIBUTORS
 ============
 Armadillius
 Chatsworthus
 Incredulous
 LUCRETIA OF BORG(MBJM54B)
 Marianus
 Novellus
 Olympius
 Oxnardus GEnie:K.Taborn; Prodigy:HCMH17A; InterNet:
 [e-mail]; FidoNet: Oxnardus @ 1:206/2513;
 VirtualNet: 197 @ 1805020; RIME: Kym Taborn; WWIVNet: Oxnardus
 115 @ 8500; AnarchyNet: Oxnardus @42:1005/1201; RIF BBS:
 Oxnardus; RIPCITY: Oxnardus; RIF BBS, P.O. Box 7822, Oxnard, CA
 93031
 Rialtus
 Rubberus Checkus
 Sheltius
 Swannox
 Tricius
 Wigglus

                      RESISTANCE IS FUTILE
                  Reprint Issue for Downloading
 [The following newsletter is a special reprint created specially
 for distribution over BBS systems. RIF is the newsletter of the
 "Borg Club", an organization originally only located on the
 Prodigy Network Service from February  1992 to April 1993. It
 expanded into the GEnie Network in May 1993, the NVN Network in
 June 1993, and into various other BBSes and networks from July
 1993. WARNING: The first seven issues of RIF were assumed to be
 read by Prodigy members. All IDs are Prodigy IDs. Many of the
 references are made to Prodigy idiosyncracies.]





  What follows is RESISTANCE IS FUTILE, issue no. 8 (May
1993). Please do not post any notes in this chain. This
chain will be reserved for RIF. I will post a new page
when-ever I notice the previous page has been posted.
  Thank you for your corporation (heh heh).

BORG CLUB MEMBERSHIP SERVICES                              *
        _____________       ____________      ____________
    * / R            \   */             \  */             \
   * |  E  ______    |   *\____     ____/  *|     ________/
   * |  S |******|   |    ****|     |***   *| F  |********
   * |  I |     *|   |       *|     |      *| U  |____
   * |  S ~~~~~~~  /         *|  I  |      *| T       \
   * |  T  ____    \         *|  S  |      *| I   ____/
   * |  A |*** \    \        *|     |      *| L  |***
   * |  N |    * \    \   ___*|     |____  *| E  |
   * |  C |      * \    \/               \ *|    |
   * \__E_/        * \___/______________/  *\____/         *
THE OFFICIAL ORGAN OF THE GALACTIC BORG CONSCIOUSNESS
ISSUE NUMBER 8
May 1993

RESISTANCE IS FUTILE ("RIF") is published and edited by Kym
Masera Taborn (K.Taborn) and Marian Samuels (M.Samuels) for
distribution on Prodigy Services and the GEnie Computer
Net-work. "RIF" acknowledges that Paramount Pictures and its
various subsidiaries as having the sole rights to the Star
Trek trademark. "RIF" has no intention to infringe upon that
copyright or earn profit from this publication.            *
"RIF" also acknowledges the Prodigy Services copyrights and
the General Electric copyrights. Resistance is Futile,
copyright (c) 1993 by Kym Masera Taborn and Marian Lee
Samuels.

SOLICITATIONS FOR NEXT NEWSLETTER: The next Resistance is
Futile will be released in late June 1993. Send submissions
to Kym Masera Taborn (GEnie: "K.Taborn"; Prodigy: HCMH17A OR
Marian Samuels (GEnie: M.Samuels1; Prodigy: NRCR88A). "RIF"
is a non-profit fan publication. All submissions for
publication should be sent to the editors. The editors
* retain editorial control and reprint privileges over the
submitted materials and reserve the right to use the
material in whatever way they deem appropriate. Submitted
materials will not be returned to the sender.


BACK ISSUES OF RIF AVAILABLE: E-mail Kym Masera Taborn
(GEnie: K.Taborn/ Prodigy: HCMH17A).

          FROM THE DIARY OF THE SUPREME BORG RADIOACTIVUS
              Subject: Change of Borg Club Location
   Hunger level at time of writing: IMMENSE                *
   It was with a high level of excitement and, admittedly,
some fear, that I began the long journey into the land of
GEnie. The human entities seemed to be oblivious to my need
for a fast and smooth entry into the land, however, and so I
finally had to beat them over the head repeatedly before
they gave me access to the land of milk and honey. Seems
they were afraid that we would be assimilating all of their
resources. Once I assured them that we had no intention of
running off with their G.E. lightbulbs, they smiled and
opened the door.
(con't. page 2)                                            *

RIF #8 (May 1993), PAGE 2
   At first it was a bit scary. Where were the graphics?
Where were those all-so-familiar advertisements? Where th'
heck was my mouse? But, with a little patience, and a call
to my pal Oxnardus, I made my way to the new Borg Club.
Waiting there patiently were some old faces...and some new
ones. And so, with my heart thumping mightily in my chest
* (much to the delight of some of the male Borg), I typed in
my first reply...and got shot down by the sysops (system
operators) for using the traditional Borg ALL CAPS MODE.
But, since this IS a new land, and a strange one at that, I
just smiled... and lost my caps entirely. Heh, heh... (Note
to myself: remember to send each sysop a Ferengi for
Christmas this year...).
   The next day, as I happily opened my Cube-shaped mailbox,
a ton of letters piled out. Overwhelmed, I shoved most of
them back in (probably dropping a few on the ground in the
process) and ran to Oxnardus. With implants shaking,  I
* listened as she explained the process of sending carbon
copies and the practice of mailing lists. Relieved that I
was not on some company's junk mail list, I opened my
mailbox again and read for the better part of the day.
   Unbeknownst to the Borg Club, the Q Continuum had opened
shop in the space just below ours. This has resulted in a
severe shortage of green cards... (Note to myself: contact
Local 803 and inform them that they must work overtime for
the next few centuries to handle this influx of aliens
requesting green cards. Also, do not forget to inform them
that the last batch of green cards were actually blue. This*
will not do at all!)  What is in store for the Borg Club in
the future? I haven't a clue. But I do know that it will be
full of pizza, carbonated beverages, hot tubs, and bad, very
bad, puns.
 ---Radioactivus: Supreme Taco (M.Samuels1/NRCR88A)

                        FROM THE EDITORS
   The Borg Club is located on GEnie at SFRT2, Category 37,
Topic 20; and on Prodigy at the Games BB, Star Trek RPG A-S,
under the "Borg" and "Cyborg" subjects. RIF will continue to
be distributed to Prodigy members through the US Mail. We
* will see how this goes and then, if it works out, we will
begin to further infiltrate the bulletin boards of Sector
0,0,1 until ALL have been assimilated.
   Members who wish information on how to enroll into GEnie
and get a copy of Aladdin, a freeware managing program for
GEnie; OR how to enroll into Prodigy and get a copy of a
shareware managing program for Prodigy, please contact Kym
Masera Taborn (HCMH17A/K.Taborn) or Marian Samuels
(NRCR88A/M.Samuels1).
*                              PIZZA
             by Lindaswedacious (L.Freund/RFCX68B)
   Pizza was discovered by the Neapolitans with the help of
Borg who had more appetite than money and more imagination
than supplies in the cupboard. Pizza was created through the
talent for improvisation of Neapolitan bakers who came from
the poorer quarters. They knew how to make the best of the
little that they had. Pizzas, then, are the triumph of the
poor man over poverty. It is an ingenious materialization of
the zest for existence.
(con't. page 3)                                            *

RIF #8 (May 1993), PAGE 3
   Pizza is still precious to Neapolitans and Borg. It has
brought them fame and fortune. Sophia Loren, who herself
comes from one of the poor quarters of Naples, always
expresses her pleasure in making her own pizza at home.
   The basis for pizza is a smooth, elastic yeast dough.
Italians and Borg say that it must come from hard Italian *
wheat. A pizza is not prepared quickly either. It must be
kneaded and manipulated; it must be tossed up in the air and
caught, twisted around the hand, slapped on the table (being
careful not to slap too hard or it will bruise), rolled,
pulled and handled with all the skill of a juggler and a
lover.
   In some restaurants, this is done right in the midst of
the patrons. It is only through this play of virtuosity that
the dough for a really good pizza is formed. Then this dough
is popped into an extremely hot oven. What comes out is an
inexpensive, light, crispy crust, ready to be filled with *
equally inexpensive ingredients. The original Neapolitan
pizza contained only slices of Mozzarella cheese, tomatoes,
anchovies (little fishies), garlic and oregano, and a few
drops of green olive oil. Today there are thousands of
variations of this original pizza (even more in California);
and Italians would not be Italian if they did not let their
fantasy run wild in this field.
   Pizza is eaten piping hot right out of the oven, except
when you eat it for breakfast. The Italian writer Leon
Gessi, who was an undercover Borg, once wrote in a poem
about pizza:                                              *
   "You must face a pizza with 100% trust,
    as the waiter sets it before you
    like a freshly blossomed flower,
    noble, rich and fragrant.
    You must give yourself over to it completely.
    The cheese sizzles and bubbles,
    it is shining with oil, streaked red with tomatoes,
    and golden brown.
    The first glowing hot mouthful dances
    between tongue and palate;
    it is a cloud of fragrance,                           *
    it unveils a taste than cannot be clearly defined;
    it is sometimes both lightly smooth & hot with pepper;
    it is a heavy robust softness.
    Each mouthful that glides down your throat
    begs to be followed by another."

                          BORG NOSTALGIA
                    Remember the Special On-Line
                       Rasher War III RIF's?
RESISTANCE IS FUTILE: Special On-Line Rasher War III Issue.
NO. 7A1 (Thursday, 02-25-93). Published by the Borg       *
Resistance and Freedom Fighters.
FROM THE EDITOR:
 It seems like just yesterday we were in the midst of Rasher
War II reminiscing about the First Rasher War (the War to
End all Rasher Wars). Well, our friends are baaa-ack and it
is up to us to give them a hearty Borg welcome and to humor
them in return for their obvious concern and selfless
expenditures of time and energy. They may be rude and they
may be crude, but on the bottom line they are ours. That's
all that counts. So, let's show them how to partay dudes.
(con't page 4)                                            *

RIF #8 (May 1993), PAGE 4
SUPREME BORG OXNARDUS COMES OUT OF RETIREMENT
Exclusive Interview
RIF:  So, like, why now? Why not, say, yesterday?
OXY:  I was busy, all right?
RIF:  How are the other cahunas taking it?
OXY:  I dunno.                                            *
RIF:  Do you think you have the right stuff to lead the
      Borg during this time of peril?
OXY:  Excuse me, but are you talking to me?
RIF:  Uh...yes, I am.
OXY:  You are what?
RIF:  I am.
OXY:  Am what?
RIF:  Talking to you.
OXY:  So?
RIF:  This is an interview.
OXY:  Oh.                                                 *
RIF:  Do you have the right stuff?
OXY:  Of course I do! Can't you tell?

A PAID ADVERTISEMENT:
A Message from the Borg Republican Army.
   Still angry about Bush not being re-elected? Hate being
occupied by Rashers, of all people? Hillary bothering the
heck out of you? Join BRA: THE BORG REPUBLICAN ARMY!  Help
smuggle illegal pizzas and forbidden Jolt Colas to
sympathetic campesinos! Call yourself after an item of
women's lingerie! Refuse to cease your bodily functions!  *
Remain a Borg AND REVEL IN IT!!!!
   Still feel guilty about the Vichy Government? Well, we
have a unique opportunity to KEEP HISTORY FROM REPEATING
ITSELF! Become a junk food terrorist! Consume things! Blow
up things! Do anything! Everything is kosher with us. We're
the Borg Republican Army. Recruiting at a sector near you.
Now interviewing for Precinct Captains and Hall Monitors.



                                                          *
PUBLIC SERVICE MESSAGE
Oink                           You Borg are pathetic.
   \  ___________              /
    \ | / / / / |            O
      | \ \ \ \ |            |         CAUTION:
      | / / / / |           /|\        DO NOT CONFUSE
      | \ \ \ \ |          / | \       TWO. IT MAY HAVE
      | / / / / |           / \        SERIOUS CONSEQUENCES
      | \ \ \ \ |          /   \       REGARDING YOUR
      |_/_/_/_/_|         /     \      BREAKFAST
        Rasher             Rasher                         *
RESISTANCE IS FUTILE: Special On-Line Rasher War III Issue.
No. 7A2 (Friday, 02-26-93). Published by the Borg Resistance
and Freedom Fighters.
FROM THE EDITOR: It seems like we only just yesterday issued
the first wartime RIF and today we have over 7 borg and
non-borgs willing to keep the light burning in these dark
times. O, the occupiers may seem to have mightier numbers
and a mightier arsenal, but we are protecting our turf, our
homeland, our way of life. We few, we de- termined few,
shall resist until we have our homeland back or we are no
more.  (con't. page 5)                                    *

RIF #8 (May 1993), PAGE 6
news is that the regular mail RIF will continue as well! Now
in its new bimonthly format, expect new and exciting changes
with the April newsletter.
BORG POLL:
   What should we call our occupiers? So far we have had
four whole responses!!They were: (1) not to mention them at*
all; (2) rashers; (3) antiborg; and (4) Bigots of Other Borg
Society. Obviously, the poll is inconclusive.

SLOGAN CONTEST WINNER ANNOUNCED!
  B.R.A. has a new Minister of Propaganda. No other than our
very own Wazzuus of Borg. Her award winning slogans were:
"No More Stupid Jerks"; "What's That On My Shoe?", and the
new battle cry of B.R.A.: "Disorganized and Ready to Fight
For It (As Long As No One Gets Hurt)".  An honorable mention
goes to Facetious of Borg for "Resistance is Feudal."
                                                          *
INSPIRATIONAL WORDS FROM THE SUPREME BORG OXNARDUS:
  "Some are born great, others merely wake up with a
headache. Got an aspirin?"

INTERVIEW WITH TRICIUS
   The following is an exclusive interview with Tricius O'
Borgaroonie, author of such classics as "Diary of a Borg on
the outside" and other barely remembered favorites.

RIF:     So, give us your opinion on the third war.
Tricius: Which one do you mean?                           *
RIF:     The one with the bashers.
Tricius: Oh, there's a war?
RIF:     Isn't there a war going on between the Borgs and he
         Bashers again?
Tricius: Where?
RIF:     Here.
Tricius: Where's here?
RIF:     Have you been talking to Oxnardus?
Tricius: Who?
RIF:     You know, Oxy...Armchair Musicologist, Welcome
         Wagon, Bob and Clara fan.                        *
Tricius: Bob who?
RIF:     Bob. We think he did things with pianos.
Tricius: Do you think that bashers do things with pianos?
RIF:     We don't know. There was a rumor that they once
         thought this was the Victor Borge club.
Tricius: Oh, yeah!  That was when I thought they suffered
         from "Pianist Envy".
RIF:     Yep, that's right.  Now, what do you think of the
         third war?
Tricius: What war?
                                                          *
Welcome to the First Edition of Off Line RIF, the
un-official voice of the Borg Collective:

   It has come to our attention that Chief Justice Marianus
of Borg, has been seen recently at a raid of the Chex-Mix
plant In Swannoxville, WV.  Reports indicate that Marianus
was chanting something to the effect off "Richard Simmons
was wrong!"
   In other news, Former Cahuna Oxnardus was seen in a
remote part of Prodigy forming a elite squad of Male Dancers
(con't. page 7)

RIF #8 (May 1993), PAGE 7
to open her own club.  Called Oxys, the club will feature
oiled men, and photo ops.

And now an on line advertisment:
A World of Adventure and Good Food Awaits You at the Borg
Blues Club!!
                                                          *
Visit today and your host, Swannox, will personally grace
you with his presence at your table. If you have trouble
deciding what to order from the vast menu of libations, he
will be more than happy to point out the most potent drinks
guaranteed to make you wear a lampshade on your head for the
rest of the evening. But the fabulous menu is just the tip
of the Iceberg 'O Fun you'll find waiting for you at the
BBC. This is the hangout of the rich and famous. You will
see such noted Borg as Oxnaruds and Jeb (Chats). You will be
accosted by none other than T'Caer Herself. You may actually
catch a glimpse of the Chief Justice as she enters the Club*

and makes a bee-line for the Chex Mix Room (Tours Available:
see the management for further details).

We're Back.  In International News:  This Unit has returned
from the TV BB's to get a glimps of Chatsworthus of Borg's
final Will and Testiment.  We are sad to report that we were
not left anything.

On the Local Front:  T'Caer is missing.  Anyone giving
information to her location will receive  a Free Drink at
the Borg Blues Club.  T'Caer is usually followed by       *
Fynn, Tafv, Jhames, GQ, George, and other assorted types.
Approach with caution.

Now we pause for another Commercial:

Eat and Drink at the Borg Blues Club!

We are back.
Anyone interested in the Print Version of this Editon send
29.95 worth of Pizza to the Borg Blues Club and ask for   *
Swannox.

(continued page 8)

RIF #8 (May 1993), PAGE 8
                        ASCII ART CORNER

                         llllllllllllll
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           |#| |OO/**********\mmmnn/~~~~~~\m\O| |#|\
           |#| |OO***    ****\mmmnn\_(__)_/mmOO| |#|  \
           |#|_|OO***    ***\\mmmmn
nnnmmmmmOO|_|#|   ||
             \|OOOm*********\\mmmmnn
nnnnnnmmO|       ||
              \OOOmmm*****mmmm\mmmnnn\mnmmmmmOO       //
                OOOmmmmmmmmmm\\\\\mmmmmmOO      //
                  OOOmmmmmmmmmmmnnnnnmmmmmmmOO     //
                   OOmmmmmmnnnnnnnnnnnnnmmmmO    //
                    mOOmmmmmmmuuuuuuummmmmmO   //
                    mmmOmmmmmmmmnnnmmmmmmmO  //
    /~~~ mmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOmm//mmmmmmm
  //mmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmnnnnnnnmmmm//mmmmmmmmmmmm
 //mmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmnnnnnmmmmmmmmmmmn//nmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm
 \mmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmnnnnnnnnmmmmmmmm//nmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm
m\mmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmnnnnnnnnmmmm//nmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmnnnn
mmm\mmmmmmmmnnmmmmmmmmmmnnnnnnnnn//nnmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmnn
mmmm\mmmmmmnnnnnmmmmmmmmmnnnnnn//nnmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmnmmn
mmmmm\mmmmmnnnnnnnmmmmmmmmnnn//nnmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmnnnnn
mmmmmm\mmnmnnnnnnnnmmmmmmn//nnnnnnmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmnnnnnnn
mmmmmmm\nnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnn//nnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnn
mmmmmmmm\nmnnnnnnnnnnnn//nnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnmmmn
mmmmmmmmm\nnnnnnnnnnn//nnnnnnnmmnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnmmmmmm
mmmmmmmmmm\nnnnnnnnn//nnnnnnnnmmmmmmnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnmmmmm
mmmmmmmmnnnn\nnnn//nnnnnnnnmmmmmmmmmmmmmnnnnnnnnnnnmmmmmmm
mmmmmmmmnnnnnn\ //nnnnnnnnnnnnmmmmnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnmmmmmmm
mmmmmmmmmnnnnnnn\/nnnnnnnnnnnnnnmmmmnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnmmmmmmm
mmnnmnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmnnnnnnnnmmmmmmmmmn
mmmmmmmmnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmnnnnnnnnnmmmmmm
mnmmnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnmmmmmnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnmmmmmmmmm
mmmmmmmmnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnmmmmmnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnmmmmmmm
mmmmmmmmmnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnmmmnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnmmmmmmmm
mmmmmmmmmmnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnmmmmmmmmmmmnnnnnnnnnnmmmmmmmm
mmmmmmmmmmnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmnnnnnnmmmmmmmmm
mmmmmmmmmmnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnmmmmmmmmnnnnnnnnnnnnmmmmmmmm
mmmmmmmmmmmnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnmmmmmmmmmmmmmmnnnnnnnnnmmmmmmmm

RESISTANCE IS FUTILE!!!!!!!
 MARIAN L. SAMUELS/M.SAMUELS1/NRCR88A
 05-08-93                                                 *
                        THE BORG WORLD
                 by Stephen Mendenhall (MFNG88D)
                        I.D.  meanings
                        --------------
   Freud wrote about the meaning of a person's id, but much
of what he wrote was wrong.  Here  are some interpretations
of Borgish IDs:
   CHATSWORTHUS (BFSF75A/R.Feldman):  Borgs For Science
Fiction; or Borgs From San Francisco.  75 is the duration of
his stay. "A" is the classification of his luggage.
(con't. page 9)                                           *

RIF #8 (May 1993), PAGE 9
   OXNARDUS (HCMH17A/K.Taborn):  Having Collected Many
Horses. 17 is the number of cubes she has filled with
horses.  "A" is the classification of her luggage.
   EMPEROR OF BORG (NVSM91A):  Not Very Silly
Meteorologically. 91 is the temperature of his cube. "A" is
the classification of his luggage.                        *
   BUGBORG (HNXB80A):  Hark, Normal Xylophones Bohemian. 80
refers to the number of keys on the xylophones.  "A" is the
classification of his xylophone's luggage.  His xylophone
number is listed in the xylophone book.

[AnyBorg who would like a copy of the five page typewritten
original submission may write to Marian Samuels (Genie:
M.Samuels1/Prodigy:NRCR88A) and request a copy.]


                                                          *
                      INVASION NOTES
          by Rambunctious of Borg (C.Knecht/VCBD90A)
   After a grueling day of final exams, a "trek" was made.
Destination -- Chatsworth, CA.  So after a pleasant 80 mile
ride,I lost the police officers in Simi Valley and returned
to Chatsworth. Shortly after arrival, a departure was made
to hijac...er, catch a bus to the Los Angeles Spaceport to
comandee...um, pick up Kate [T'Caer/K.Vonmayr/MBJM54B] and
Dax [LurQus/D.Hellwig]. We then caught our getawa... er,Kym
[Oxnardus/K.Taborn/HCMH17A] and Richard Potthoff
[Serick/R.Potthoff1] transported us to Terry Gottlieb's   *
[TeaBorg, as yet un genie-ized/PHCR65A] hideou...office for
some Greek food.
   After collapsing for the night as the hotel (not an easy
task, btw), I snuck over to that cube that has been under
reconstruction since last August. Shortly, a trip to visit
Tasha Yar's Killer Kousin was planned, and the last
conspirato... invader,Sarah [Hellacious/S.Kirkpatric2], was
met at the Los Angeles Spaceport.This glorious occasion was
celebrated by a dinner snapped up by Linda[Lindaswedacious/
L.Freund/RFCX68B].
    The following morning started out with a "bat'tleh,"  *
pitting Sarah and I against Mulholland.  Though it seemed
doubtful many times, we survived Mulholland and furthered
our honor!  We then joined the victory celebration at the
Playhouse a la Serick, if I may be soo BOLD.  And I won't
even mention anything about the (ahem) very DEEP breathing
coming from the row behind... even through the scene when
the woman took off her clothes!
   Then we left on Friday to visit Hollyweird, where the
women are women, and so are some of the men.  We stayed at
Universal Studios until they kicked us out for having too
much fun.  I was having my hair pulled out...  We then met*
up with the dubious Ginny Chan [Chanperson], Terry Austin
[Tormin Kyril/ HJVF56A], and Mary Esbin [Weeble the
Tribble/NRBK70B] and started to play the ST Mystery Game.
With the expected phone call from Jim Carey
[Q2/J.Carey1/NNKT68B], we disbursed.
   Saturday saw Kate, Dax,Sarah and I in Montclaire to bomb
the mall with certain Shannara friends. On the ride baaack,
we laid waste to that Cow named Polly,only to find out that
it was a mirage we destroyed...

(con't. page 10)                                          *

RIF #8 (May 1993), PAGE 10
   Sunday was a quiet day.  We played the Star Trek Trivia
Game, crowning Rich Potthoff as Trivia King, with Dax and
Rich Feldman[Chatsworthus/R.Feldman/BFSF75A] as Princes and
Linda as Princess. The "Royal Crown"ing took place at the
Olive Garden.Monday brought the day we were all dreading...
the departures.But Sarah strode onto her plane,firm in the*
knowledge that her mission was complete, Dax departed and
filled the plane up with all of his @#%$&# Golden Tribbles,
and Kate wandered off into the aisle seat, making sure that
her daggers had a seat all to them- selves.
   Then the real fun began....  *I'm kidding, sheesch...*
=) [Editors--this took place in March 1993].
                        BORG BIOGRAPHIES
         Linda Freund: Lindaswedacious (L.Freund/RFCX68B)
         ------------------------------------------------
   We have no title except for Big Cahuna ad Temporum on
August 13,1992 and Campaign Manager for Swannox during the*
election campaign. Profession:  Information Specialist,
currently between jobs. She and SU are currently considering
moving to another state where jobs are more plentiful.
Presently employed at Moorpark College in an easy and
enjoyable temporary job entitled Computer Operator. I have 3
grown kids all of whom are students at various colleges
throughout the country.  My youngest is leaving home in the
fall to attend Eastern Montana College where she will freeze
her buns off while learning to ski.  Oldest filial unit is
studying welding in Arizona and will be getting certified in
April or May. Middle unit is still undecided and attending*
school at Moorpark, but making noises about going to
Colorado.   Hobbies:  Photography, *P, Reading various types
of humor, ST (first love TOS), cooking and PARTYING.
              Gary Fraction: Fraclicutus (FBJF52A)
              ------------------------------------
   Known aliases:  Fraclicutus of Borg, Cracked Frac, THE
OVER- MIND, Q with the Big Red Shoes, Doomsday/Q,  Tim the
Enchanter, a real (expletive deleted).   I joined about a
month before the first actual RIF was sent out, (I only
joined P* about a month before that) & immediately fell in
love with the Borg Club.  I mean, a group of folks who    *
actually liked Star Trek, Sci-Fi and comedy but didn't have
to talk about it every single minute??  It seemed like
heaven!! Then these 'bashers' started coming out of the
woodwork.  Messing up people's notes, spreading rumors,
lies.  Man they are a pain. As soon as Royston's Utilities
comes out with Pro-Util ver. 6, we intend to filter all
these people's notes out of our system. Whoops! Back to our
biography.  Well, we er..  are actually a Delivery Sales
Representative with a small pizza chain in Indianapolis. We
make, sell, and sometimes deliver the best pizza in Indy.
We were in the US Armed forces at one time, and went to   *
Desert Shield/Storm, but decided to get out while we were
still alive. Other than that, we would like to say, that we
love this country, hate the president, love all Borg, hate
all Bashers, really love being able to talk to people
cross-country without getting into serious financial
dismay. [Editor's note:  This was obviously written before
timed rates was discussed.]



(con't. page 11)                                          *
RIF #8 (May 1993), PAGE 11
                       BORG COMICOGRAPHY
"The Worst of Both Worlds:
        Part One: The Bludgeoning of Chance"
STAR TREK: THE NEXT GENERATION, No. 47 (June 1993). DC
Comics. Writer: Michael Jan Freidman. Penciller: Peter
Krause. Inker: Pablo Marcos. Lettere: Bob Pinaha. Colorist:
Julianna Ferriter. Editor: Alan Gold.
CHARACTERS (identified in text): Picard, Worf, Ro, Crusher,
LaForge, Troi, Riker, Data, O'Brien, Ensign Haberman.
Alternative Universe: Riker, Worf, LaForge, O'Brien,
Locutus, and someone who may be Shelby (not sure).
PLOT:  Due to a space anomoly the Enterprise and crew are
sucked into an alternative parallel universe where the
Federation has been subjugated by the Borg.  The alternative
Enterprise leads the terrorist activities against the Borg
occupation.  Captain Riker captures the bridge crew and
insists that they help the Alternative Federation with their
resistance against the Borg (although, we all know it is
futile). The Borg only appear in flashbacks. In the
alternative universe Troi, Guinan, & Keiko have been killed
by the Borg by the time the Enterprise enters the
alternative
 universe (Hey! They didn't mention Tasha Yar! Oh
 wait...she just does alternative time lines, not
 alternative parallel universes. One should never get
 them mixed up.).
COMMENTS: This is the first time the Borg have
 appeared in the comic book. This issue is the first
 part of a four part series culminating in the 50th
 issue.

                          LITERARY SIGHTINGS
   So far the Borg have only been found in three novels.
The main appearance was is Peter David's "Vendetta" which
was a "Big Novel" (not part of the bi-monthly ST:TNG novel
series). Its plot revolved around the Borg and featured a
Borg as a main character. This book will be reviewed in
detail in a future issue of RIF (Hey! Any volunteers out
there???).  The other two references are minor. The first
one was in the hardcover novel by Margaret Bonanno,
"Probe". While cruising in space, the Probe destroys a cube
vessel. It is apparent that the cube vessel is a Borg cube.
The second mention is in Peter David's "The Siege", the
 PRODIGY(R) interactive personal service         06/16/93         1:56 AM

second (No. 2) novel in the "Deep Space Nine" bi-monthly
novel series.In this, a Borg Cube is destroyed while coming
through the wormhole from the other quadrant during a
wormhole anomoly.  The Borg appear to have it bad when they
appear in the novels...at least two out of three times. We
may be seeing a literary theme in it's infancy...
destruction of Borg cubes for brief dramatic asides. If
anyone in the collective or holding a green card or just
visiting comes across any literary sighting of a Borg,
please contact the editors of RIF immediately. It's an ugly
job, but someone's got to do it!


                        ***THE END***
 ***OF***
 ***RIF #8 (05-93)***

whew!!!
PRODIGY(R) interactive personal service         06/28/93         0:16 AM

         GAMES BB
TOPIC:   STAR TREK RPG A-S
TIME:    06/27  3:50 AM

TO:      ALL
FROM:    KYM MASERA TABORN   (HCMH17A)
SUBJECT: BORG RIF #9 (O6/93)

What follows is RESISTANCE IS FUTILE, issue no. 9 (June
1993). Please do not post any notes in this chain. This
chain will be reserved for RIF. I will post a new page
when-ever I notice the previous page has been posted.
  Thank you for your corporation (heh heh).

BORG CLUB MEMBERSHIP SERVICES                              *
        _____________       ____________      ____________
    * / R            \   */             \  */             \
   * |  E  ______    |   *\____     ____/  *|     ________/
   * |  S |******|   |    ****|     |***   *| F  |********
   * |  I |     *|   |       *|     |      *| U  |____
   * |  S ~~~~~~~  /         *|  I  |      *| T       \
   * |  T  ____    \         *|  S  |      *| I   ____/
   * |  A |*** \    \        *|     |      *| L  |***
   * |  N |    * \    \   ___*|     |____  *| E  |
   * |  C |      * \    \/               \ *|    |
   * \__E_/        * \___/______________/  *\____/         *
THE OFFICIAL ORGAN OF THE GALACTIC BORG CONSCIOUSNESS
ISSUE NUMBER 9
June 1993

RESISTANCE IS FUTILE ("RIF") is published and edited by Kym
Masera Taborn (GEnie:K.Taborn/Prodigy:HCMH17A/NVN:Ktaborn)
and Marian Samuels (GEnie:M.Samuels1/Prodigy:NRCR88A/NVN:
Msamuels) for distribution on the GEnie Computer Network,
Prodigy Services, National Videotext Network, FidoNet, and
other various national and local electronic BBS echos.
Copyright notices and solici-tation requests appear at the*
end of this newsletter.
 FROM THE EDITORS
 BIG MONDO CHANGES IN STORE!!!
   The Borg Club has opened a club area in NVN. We are also
in the process of invading FidoNet and other national
electronic BBS networks and echos. As it happens, we will
keep you posted and be sure to tell you where to navigate to
find the Borg Club nearest you. Where the Borg Club can be
found on the various electronic services and general notices
from the editors, see "EDITOR NOTICES" at the end of this
newsletter.                                                *
                  A DISCUSSION AND ANALYSIS OF
                   SEXUALITY AND REPRODUCTION
                         AMONG THE BORG
            A Paper for the Federation Conference on

PRODIGY(R) interactive personal service         06/28/93         0:16 AM

                 Research of the Borg Life Form
                          presented by:
                       Matthew D. Schmitt
 (GEnie:M.SCHMITT4)
   Recently, there has been quite a bit of discussion and
even argument over the role of sex and sexuality in Borg
society. Is there male?  Is there female?  Neither?  Both?*
   In an attempt to look at these issues more clearly,
let's take a moment to step back, take a look at what we
_know_, and see what conclusions we can draw from that. For
this discussion, I will therefore limit myself only the
established facts and experiences gained from the three
encounters of the starship _Enterprise_ with the Borg,
rather than some of the wild speculation of fiction that
has appeared in recent times, or the purely military
encounter at Wolf 359.

(continued page 2)                                        *
PRODIGY(R) interactive personal service         06/28/93         0:17 AM

         GAMES BB
TOPIC:   STAR TREK RPG A-S
TIME:    06/27  7:34 AM

TO:      KYM MASERA TABORN   (HCMH17A)
FROM:    KYM MASERA TABORN   (HCMH17A)
SUBJECT: BORG RIF #9 (O6/93)

RIF #9 (June 1993), PAGE TWO
   The most telling evidence comes from their first
encounter. At that time, the mysterious Q entity made the
only direct comment on the subject of sex: "Not a he, not a
she."  How can we argue with this?
   Unfortunately, there _is_ counter evidence, at least of
a sort. From visual records of the Away Team missions from*
the _Enterprise_ to Borg vessels, it is quite obvious that
there are members of the Borg crew that display distinctly
male outward characteristics, _and_ female ones. How can we
reconcile this fact with the Q entity's statement that they
are neither male nor female?
   Out best theories indicate that the Borg were once a
humanoid race, similar to us today.  Even if there has been
large amounts of evolution since then, natural or forced,
it is reasonable to expect that there would be at least
some vestiges of sexuality in their genetic makeup from
that time, giving various members of their society male   *
and female characteristics.  In addition, various
assimilated races surely have not had the time to evolve
away from their sexual origins physically, another source
of such characteristics.
   The true determination, though, of being male or female,
comes from reproduction.  How is it carried out?  Is it a
mating process, or something else?  Unfortunately, we have
no direct evidence in this regard.  It is known that the
Borg do reproduce, and that the young grow to maturity in
the same manner as most other humanoids, except of course
that they receive computer implants at a very early age.  *
But that still leaves us with the seemingly unanswerable
question of how the reproduction itself is carried out.
   Nevertheless, we can draw some logical conclusions.  We
know that the Borg have almost no sense of self. Therefore,
it is difficult to conceive of such a society having
couples pair off for mating purposes, even if regimented.
We also know that they have a very advanced technology,
including an advanced knowledge of cellular function in the
body which has allowed them to implant machine parts and
make them working parts of the whole body. Is it such a
large jump of logic to assume that their offspring are so *
called "test-tube babies" in perhaps the truest sense of
the phrase?  Certainly, they appear to have the level of
technology necessary to combine genetic material, and grow
a child completely outside the womb. There would then be no

PRODIGY(R) interactive personal service         06/28/93         0:18 AM

need to differentiate between male and female in their
society -- genetic material could be sampled from more than
one unit, regardless of whether they were physically or
genetically male or female, and combined to form the
genetic makeup of the new Borg.  This is in keeping with
both the Q entity's statement, the outward physical
characteristics, and the lack of self and division present*
in their society.
   In conclusion, it appears that there is neither male nor
female in Borg society, though there are vestiges of that
past in their appearance, and that their reproduction is
carried out completely artificially.





(continued page three)                                    *
PRODIGY(R) interactive personal service         06/28/93         0:28 AM

         ARTS BB
TOPIC:   SCIENCE FICTION
TIME:    06/27  1:54 PM

TO:      KYM MASERA TABORN   (HCMH17A)
FROM:    KYM MASERA TABORN   (HCMH17A)
SUBJECT: BORG RIF #9

RIF #9 (June 1993), PAGE THREE
 HAIKU CORNER
 by Q2 (GEnie: J.Carey1/Prodigy: NNKT68B)
   <> for those who left because of the greed of $P$:
              Endings are upon us
              Greed severs lines of being
              Loneliness lingers                          *
   <> for the beauty in nature:
              Petals resplendent
              Pollen shining with the dew
              Life's resurgence calls

    <> for the Collective:   (brand new)
              Merging with metal
              RIF echoes through snackbar
              Laughter infectious

                                                          *
 BORG BOG
 (a neverending story)
  In a field in southern Scotland, a old farmer sets out to
till a patch of land that he believes hadn't been planted
in many years. Hitching his old mule to a brand new plow,
he begins to work the land in the same way his father and
grandfather had taught him.  He takes pride in doing it the
old way.  After a couple of hours steering his mule the
plow snags on something, stopping the mule dead in its
tracks.
  Digging down to clear away what he believes must be a   *
root or a rock, he is startled to find a bit of black
leather hooked under the plow.  The old man speeds up his
work hoping to have found something valuable, like some
Roman coins or a bag of gold.  He removes the dirt and
exposes more leather, and a few metal bits attached.
Perplexed, he grabs a handful of leather and pulls with all
his might.  He jumps back in horror as a bearded Borg sits
upright out of the ground with the moist soil still
clinging to his pale skin and tarnished implants.  After a
few buzzing and clicking sounds, the Borg turns to the old
man and says,                                             *
"I am Arthurus,
               the Borg of the Bog.
                Wanna split a pizza and
                 a few pints o' Guinness?"

PRODIGY(R) interactive personal service         06/28/93         0:28 AM

--Allofus of Borg (Prodigy:CXBV64F)

Another rather nice looking Borg gallops up to the King,
followed by some rather weird-looking fellow with a
hunchback problem banging coconuts together. My liege, I am
Sir Robinus, the not quite so brave as  Sir Lancelotus. May
I join your....er...oh.  (we haven't gotten to that point *
yet)
---Fracliclutus of Borg (Prodigy:FBJF52A)

The once and future Borg! Where's the chick in the lake?
---Oxnardus of Borg
(Prodigy:HCMH17A/GEnie:K.Taborn/NVN:Ktaborn)




(continued page four)                                     *
PRODIGY(R) interactive personal service         06/28/93         0:29 AM

         ARTS BB
TOPIC:   SCIENCE FICTION
TIME:    06/27  5:05 PM

TO:      KYM MASERA TABORN   (HCMH17A)
FROM:    KYM MASERA TABORN   (HCMH17A)
SUBJECT: BORG RIF #9

RIF #9 (June 1993), PAGE FOUR
  The farmer, not knowing who he was dealing with, naively
lead Arthur to a nearby stream where he reasoned the Borg
of the Bog could clean himself off.  Upon reaching the
water, Arthur began chanting something in what the old man
thought was Latin but was really Borg.
   "Annal nathrax, usvabt bebtat, dachiel dienve."        *
   "Annal nathrax, usvabt babtat, dachiel dienve."
  Suddenly, seemingly from everywhere, the old man heard a
female chorus of humming and chanting.  Looking for the
source of the music, he spotted a beautiful lady in the
still waters just beyond the Borg.
  As Arthur waded out into the water, clicking and beeping
all the way, the lady held out an object which the man
couldn't recognize.  The Borg reached the lady, took the
object, and the woman promptly disappeared with a knowing
smile.
  Coming back to shore, Arthur held what looked           *
suspiciously like a light saber.  The Borg shrugged at the
old man and said, "Looks like that watery tart got her
movies mixed up again.  At least she's not lobbing
scimitars this time! Now, about that pizza and beer."
   The old man vowed never to plow another field as long as
he lived.
---Allofus of Borg (Prodigy:CXBV64F)

A Good Looking Borg then Rides up on Horseback, in very
Shiny Borg Implants.  I am Sir Lancealotus.  I have never
been defeated in Battle.                                  *
Lancealotus
---Swannox of Borg (Prodigy:HCMH17F)

 Arthur, the Borg of the Bog, sizes up the shiny Borg on
horseback and decides that he is fit for a place in his
round cubicle.  Throwing his chest implants out, Arthur
booms, "I seek the FINEST and the BRAVEST knight-borgs in
all the galaxy to join me in my Cube at Camelot... you have
proved yourself worthy... will you join me?" Arthur's
implants click and whir as he waits for the answer.
---Allofus of Borg (Prodigy:CXBV64F)                      *
The Rather Fertial and Shiny Borg, Steps down from his
horse and kneels to one knee.  "You Are King,  You and the
Galaxy are one!"
Sir Lancealotus

PRODIGY(R) interactive personal service         06/28/93         0:29 AM

---Swannox of Borg (Prodigy:HCMH17F)

Obviously you haven't met me.
       <Battlelus in bedus> <Notus!!>
---Opras of Borg (Prodigy:CRWV57B)

                                                          *
    Arthurus of Borg steps forward, drawing his light saber
and says, "What's your name again?"  The kneeling shiny
Borg answers, "I am Launcelotus, my Liege."  Allofus
activates his light saber and gently sizzles one shoulder,
then the other.  "I dub you... SIR Launcelotus."  The
tarnished King booms, "Knight of the Round Cubicle."
     And the continuum rejoiced with pizza and mead.
---Allofus of Borg (Prodigy:CXBV64F)


(continued page five)                                     *
PRODIGY(R) interactive personal service         06/28/93         0:30 AM

         ARTS BB
TOPIC:   SCIENCE FICTION
TIME:    06/27  8:40 PM

TO:      KYM MASERA TABORN   (HCMH17A)
FROM:    KYM MASERA TABORN   (HCMH17A)
SUBJECT: BORG RIF #9

RIF #9 (June 1993), PAGE FIVE
Another rather nice looking Borg gallops up to the King,
followed by some rather weird-looking fellow with a
hunchback problem banging coconuts together.  My liege, I
am Sir Robinus, the not quite so brave as  Sir Lancelotus.
May I join your....er...oh.  (we haven't gotten to that
point yet)                                                *

---Fracliclutus of Borg (Prodigy:FBJF52A)

The Borg of the Bog turns to "Brave" Sir Robin and says,
"You may join us, if we may eat your minstrils this
winter."
                                     Arthurus of Borg
                                     -burp.
---Allofus of Borg (Prodigy:CXBV64F)

Of course, Sire, the lead singer likes to get my goat     *
anyway.  Say, aren't we due to get a quest from the Lord
anytime now?  I like it when the angels are playing
trumpets out their <bleeps>
Sir Robinus
---Fracliclutus of Borg (Prodigy:FBJF52A)

Lancelotus rises and grabs his sword and holds it high and
yells "WE SERVICE YOU MY LORD!"
SIR Lancelotus
---Swannox of Borg (Prodigy:HCMH17F)
                                                          *
  "Arthur!  Arthur... The once and future Borg... Oh, do
stop those implants from clicking, will you!!!???  I hate
those clicky things.  They're soooo... cliquish!"  The Borg
Knights and their leader become completely silent.
  "Right, okay... Arthur, Borg of the Bog, your knights of
the round cubicle shall have a task to make them an example
in these funky times..."
  Arthurus steps forward and says, "What a really boffo
idea!" Upon finishing his statement the Borg of the Bog is
promptly hit by lightning.  "Hey!  That felt GOOD!" says
the smoldering Borg king energetically.                   *
   The voice continues, "Behold, Arthur, this is the holy
toothbrush."  An image of a really old and moldy toothbrush
appears in the sky.  "Look well, Arthur... for it is your
sacred task to seek this Toothbrush.  That is your purpose,

PRODIGY(R) interactive personal service         06/28/93         0:30 AM

the Quest for the Holy Toothbrush."  The of the toothbrush
vanishes and all is silent until Sir Robinus starts
clicking and whirring again.
   "Well, anyone got any ideas on where to start?" the Borg
King asks his shiny Knights.
---Allofus of Borg (Prodigy:CXBV64F)
                                                          *
     Join me in the Quest for the Holy Toothbrush.
---Allofus of Borg (Prodigy:CXBV64F)

"Me? Well, I'm here to see the best-looking male borg."
---Opras of Borg (Prodigy:CRWV57B)

THE TOOTHBRUSH, WE MUST FIND THE BRUSH!
Sir Lancelotus
do we have the holy toothpaste?
---Swannox of Borg (Prodigy:HCMH17F)
(continued page six)                                      *
PRODIGY(R) interactive personal service         06/28/93         0:32 AM

         GAMES BB
TOPIC:   STAR TREK RPG A-S
TIME:    06/27  4:59 PM

TO:      KYM MASERA TABORN   (HCMH17A)
FROM:    KYM MASERA TABORN   (HCMH17A)
SUBJECT: BORG RIF #9 (O6/93)

RIF #9 (June 1993), PAGE SIX
   We don't know if we actually have the Holy Toothpaste.
We believe it's a crumpled tin of "Aim" that was found in a
sealed cave near the ancient city of Decayus.  Recent
research theorizes that "Aim" is actually an acronym for
"Atrociously Irreverent Mission."
                                   Arthurus               *
                                       -Borg of the Bog
---Allofus of Borg (Prodigy:CXBV64F)

      Hey baby, what do looks matter when I could make you
QUEEN!!
                              Arthurus, Borg of the Bog
                              -hubba hubba
---Allofus of Borg (Prodigy:CXBV64F)
         [finally noticing Opras)

Really?                                                   *
        Opras <EBGTB>
      <EVEN BIGGER GRIN THAN BEFORE>
---Opras of Borg (Prodigy:CRWV57B)

Hello...I`m going to seek for the Holy Arsenal.....
containing the Holy Howitzer,the Hole Hand Grenade,and the
Holy CDs in which the Holy Metallic-Master of Puppets,Holy
Ride the Lightning,and Holy Eric Clapton-Unplugged.........
oh,and of course....the Holy Disembodied Limb.Who wants to
help?
                    Locutus/Sir Galahanalotus             *
---Locutus of Borg (Prodigy:KPBK65E)

 BORG LIBRARY LISTS
 Borg Best Seller List
The Borg                               by John Grishborg
The Borg of Madison County             by Robert Walborg
B is for Borg                          by Sue Grafborg
All the Pretty Borg                    by Cormac McCarborg
The Children of Borg                   by P.D. Borg
Women Who Run With the Borg            by Clarissa Borg
The Way the Borg Ought to Be           by Rush Limborg    *
The Talismans of Borgnnara             by Terry Borg
Borging Hour                           by Anne Ricborg
Rising Borg                            by Michael Criborg


PRODIGY(R) interactive personal service         06/28/93         0:32 AM

These and other titles available at the Borgaritaville
Public Library. Requests taken.  Storytime  10 am Wed and
Fri.
---Lucretia Borgia, Head Librarian (GEnie: K.Vonmayr/
Prodigy:MBJM54B)

                                                          *
                       BORG COMICOGRAPHY
"The Worst of Both Worlds:
 Part Two: The Belly of the Beast"
 Part two of four parts.
   STAR TREK: THE NEXT GENERATION, No. 48 (July 1993).
24pg. DC Comics. Writer: Michael Jan Freidman. Penciller:
Peter Krause. Inker: Pablo Marcos. Letterer: Bob Pinaha.
Colorist: Julianna Ferriter. Editor: Alan Gold.


(CONTINUED PAGE SEVEN)                                    *
PRODIGY(R) interactive personal service         06/28/93         0:33 AM

         GAMES BB
TOPIC:   STAR TREK RPG A-S
TIME:    06/27  8:33 PM

TO:      KYM MASERA TABORN   (HCMH17A)
FROM:    KYM MASERA TABORN   (HCMH17A)
SUBJECT: BORG RIF #9 (O6/93)

RIF #9 (June 1993), PAGE SEVEN
   CHARACTERS (identified in text): Picard, Worf, Ro, Bev
Crusher, LaForge, Troi, Riker, Data, Miles, Keiko & Molly
O'Brien. Alternative Universe: Riker, Worf, LaForge,
O'Brien, Locutus, Shelby, Wes Crusher.
   SYNOPSIS: The Alternative Universe Away Team (Shelby,
Miles O'Brien and Wesley) takes over the Enterprise.     *
Shelby talks mutiny in part because the alternative
universe (AU) Enterprise Saucer section was lost in battle
and because it annoys her that Capt. Riker is playing it
safe. Shelby also realizes that because the real Enterprise
won that Keiko and Dr. Crusher are still alive in our time
line.
   Aboard the AU Enterprise, the Bridge Crew decides to
help Capt. Riker in his battle against the Borg. Personnel
are exchanged and Bev. Crusher and  Keiko meet the AU
Wesley and O'Brien. A lot of soul searching goes on: Bev
sees how mature and hard of a man that the AU Wesley has  *
become, due in part because in the AU Bev, was at Star
Fleet Medical after the Borg won the war. AU O'Brien sees
his child that he never knew in the AU.
   The AU Laforge and Laforge set up Data's lab to
attempt to capture Locutus and link Data to the Borg
Collective. The AU Laforge has a lot of hostility toward
the Borg. The AU Laforge is even hostile toward Data, then
Ro defends Data claiming that he is not like the Borg.
[Editor's note...Ro obviously didn't this season's
cliffhanger of ST:TNG!!!].
                                                          *
   Capt. Riker and AU Worf discuss what went wrong during
the attack on the AU Borg.  They didn't use an antimatter
spread, thus the shuttle was attacked. Worf survived, but
the AU Data didn't. Shelby gloats because that was her
idea.
   Capt. Picard and Data using the same technique, assault
the AU Borg Cube with the two Enterprises. Data and Picard
make it aboard the Cube, however the AU Locutus is not to
be found.
---Swannox of Borg (Prodigy:HCMH17F)
                                                          *
                          LITERARY SIGHTINGS
VENDETTA
by Peter David
Please note: this is not a book review, but a criticism.

PRODIGY(R) interactive personal service         06/28/93         0:33 AM

   VENDETTA was the first time the Borg appeared in the
novel universe of Star Trek.  The book attempts to link the
original television show (Star Trek) with the Next
Generation Universe (Star Trek: the Next Generation). The
first linkage of the two appears in the form of a history
lesson at Starfleet during the years Picard was a student.
The class is discussing the Planet Killer that Capt. James*
T. Kirk encountered in "The Doomsday Machine" [editor's
note: It was the big ice cream cone-shaped machine floating
in space devouring solar systems and eventually eating
Commodore Decker (William Windom) who was Capt. Decker's
father (Captain Decker was played by Stephen Collins in
Star Trek: The Motion Picture...the guy who merged with the
bald Delta along with V-Ger...remember now?)]. Picard has
visions of a woman during this time who he will see again.


(CONTINUED PAGE EIGHT)                                    *

PRODIGY(R) interactive personal service            06/28          10:52 PM



===============   Reply    1 of Note    1 =================

BOARD:      GAMES BB
TOPIC:      STAR TREK RPG A-S
SUBJECT:    BORG RIF #9 (O6/93)

TO:     HCMH17A    KYM MASERA TABORN      DATE:    06/28
FROM:   HCMH17A    KYM MASERA TABORN      TIME:    12:00 PM

RIF #9 (June 1993), PAGE EIGHT
   The second linking to the original show is when the Borg
Encounter a Planet Killer.  This one however is Piloted by
Delcara, a woman who wants revenge on the destruction of
her race.  The Borg Cube didn't survive the assault. This
book introduces and explores more of the Borg Mythos.
   A female Borg is captured, and after she is converted  *
back to human, she wants to become Borg again (which is
contradicted by I Borg, in which Picard stats that a Borg
can not be converted back.). A Ferengi is assimilated by
the Borg (must have had a line on chex-mix) and the mention
of Borg space and a possible origin area is touched on. The
Tholians even make an appearance, asking for Spock the
lying Vulcan while trying to fend off the Borg.  Commander
Shelby is also a part of this book, as the Commander
aboard the U.S.S Chekov, under the command of Capt. Korsmo,
a rival of Picard during the Academy days (who by the way
has envy of Picard.)                                      *
   A massive battle ensues between the Planet Killer/
Starfleet Alliance and the Borg Cubes.
---Swannox of Borg (Prodigy:HCMH17F)

 EDITOR NOTICES
   The Borg Club is located on GEnie at SFRT2, Category 37,
Topic 20; on Prodigy at the Games BB, Star Trek RPG A-S,
under the "Borg" and "Cyborg" subjects, AND at the Arts BB,
Science Fiction, under the "Borg" subjects; and on NVN at
the Science Fiction Forum (GO SCIFI), [Forum # 57], on the
Message Base, Topic 10 "FANS", starting with message #    *
10603 . RIF is distributed as a post on Prodigy in both the
Games BB and the Arts BB. It had been distributed on GEnie
by e-mail, but with the new rates change on July 1st of
this year, we will attempt to post it and see what happens.
If the sysops do not allow it to be posted, then we will
offer it as a subscription e-mail. We have heard that NVN
is more liberal than GEnie, so hopefully we can post RIF
publicly there as well.
   We are researching on how to get this newsletter and the
Borg Club on FidoNet and other national and local
electronic BBS networks. If anyone has any feedback about *
this, please contact either Kym or Marian. We have compiled
quite a few national and area BBS number listings and we
could probably find you a local BBS which might be carrying
the Star Trek echos of a network or even have their own
local board. Ask and we will help you.
   Our program of the assimilation of BBS across the nation
is coming along faster than we planned, so it is becoming a
bit confused. Please bear with us as we expand further into
Sector 0,0,1.
   The length of the newsletter has been cut in half in
order to accommodate all the different types of systems we*
will be appearing on. RIFs 1 through 8 will still be
available but they will be distributed in smaller files.
   Members who wish information on how to enroll into GEnie
and get a copy of Aladdin, a freeware managing program for
GEnie; OR how to enroll into Prodigy and get a copy of a
shareware managing program for Prodigy; OR how to enroll
and navigate around NVN, please contact Kym Masera Taborn
(Prodigy:HCMH17A/GEnie:K.Taborn/ NVN:Ktaborn) or Marian
Samuels (Prodigy:NRCR88A/GEnie:M.Samuels1/ NVN:Msamuels).

(CONTINUED PAGE NINE)                                     *

PRODIGY(R) interactive personal service            06/29          10:40 PM



===============   Reply    1 of Note    1 =================

BOARD:      GAMES BB
TOPIC:      STAR TREK RPG A-S
SUBJECT:    BORG RIF #9 (O6/93)

TO:     HCMH17A    KYM MASERA TABORN      DATE:    06/29
FROM:   HCMH17A    KYM MASERA TABORN      TIME:    10:17 PM

RIF #9 (June 1993), PAGE NINE
 COPYRIGHT NOTICES
"RIF" acknowledges that Paramount Pictures and its various
subsidiaries as having the sole rights to the Star Trek
trademark. "RIF" has no intention to infringe upon that
copyright or earn profit from this publication. It is
distributed free of charge. "RIF" also acknowledges the
Prodigy Services, General Electric, and NVN copyrights.
This newsletter may be distributed by anyone if kept     *
intact and not altered in anyway. Consider it shareware
publishing! Resistance is Futile, copyright (c) 1993 by Kym
Masera Taborn and Marian Lee Samuels.

 SOLICITATIONS FOR NEXT NEWSLETTER
The next Resistance is Futile will be released on or about
July 15, 1993 (yeah, right!).  Send submissions to Kym
Masera Taborn (GEnie:K.Taborn/Prodigy:HCMH17A/NVN:Ktaborn)
OR Marian Samuels (GEnie:M.Samuels1/Prodigy:NRCR88A/
NVN:Msamuels). "RIF" is a non-profit fan publication.  All
submissions for publication should be sent to the editors.*
The editors retain editorial control and reprint privileges
over the submitted materials and reserve the right to use
the material in whatever way they deem appropriate.
Submitted materials will not be returned to the sender.

 BACK ISSUES OF RIF AVAILABLE
Missing an issue?  Used your RIF for a place mat or coaster
one time too many?  Just e-mail Kym Masera Taborn (GEnie:
K.Taborn/ Prodigy:HCMH17A/NVN:Ktaborn) and that abused
issue will be replaced. Please indicate which issue you
desire.  At this time, the issues available are numbers 1 *
(May 1992) through 9 (June 1993).

----THE END ----

  What follows is RESISTANCE IS FUTILE, issue no. 10 (July
1993). Please do not post any notes in this chain. This
chain will be reserved for RIF. I will post a new page
when-ever I notice the previous page has been posted.
  Thank you for your corporation (heh heh).

BORG CLUB MEMBERSHIP SERVICES                              *
        _____________       ____________      ____________
    * / R            \   */             \  */             \
   * |  E  ______    |   *\____     ____/  *|     ________/
   * |  S |******|   |    ****|     |***   *| F  |********
   * |  I |     *|   |       *|     |      *| U  |____
   * |  S ~~~~~~~  /         *|  I  |      *| T       \
   * |  T  ____    \         *|  S  |      *| I   ____/
   * |  A |*** \    \        *|     |      *| L  |***
   * |  N |    * \    \   ___*|     |____  *| E  |
   * |  C |      * \    \/               \ *|    |
   * \__E_/        * \___/______________/  *\____/         *
THE OFFICIAL ORGAN OF THE GALACTIC BORG CONSCIOUSNESS
ISSUE NUMBER 10
July 1993

 ===========================================
 HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO BIG CAHUNA ISSUE
 ===========================================
   Yes! It's that time of year again. This RIF is being
released ONE WHOLE DAY EARLY in honor of the birthday of the
Big Cahuna, Supreme Borg, Big Taco (or whatever she calls
herself these days) Radioactivus of Borg on July 14th!!!
* Such excitement this newsletter rarely sees. Obviously we
are trying to suck up to the big cahuna and also the fact
that SHE IS AN EDITOR (wow! sucking up to yourself...WHAT AN
EGO!!!), the whole current political scene of the borg club
international becomes painfully apparent (not to mention our
incredible command of the English language ... you will be
amazed, but we are native speakers!!!). This mini-editorial
is of course written by OXNARDUS, the Supreme Borg would
never be so egotistical as to write her OWN laudatory
praise. Therefore, Supreme Borg Radioactivus, from the
entire collective: TE LAUDAMUS et TE SPOOAMUS.             *
 =============
 FROM ONE SIDE
 =============
   Writing first columns are always difficult.  You worry
about whether or not you'll be accepted, or ridiculed, or
what. And what do you say your first time? You can't refer
to past columns, because, of course, you haven't written
any. Hopefully, this first column will disprove everything
I've just said, besides describing From One Side in detail.
    From One Side will appear (hopefully) in every
"Resistance Is Futile" issue in the future. Each time, From*
One Side will deal with a topic of supposed importance to
Borg minds.
    From One Side is not written by a Borg, but by a Bajoran
from the Genie cube. From One Side appears in several cubes,
perhaps five or six. Specifically, From One Side also deals
with issues like not being a Borg in a world of Borgs, and
also what it's like living in just one cube, just one
section, millennium after millennium after millennium...you
get my point.

CONTINUED PAGE TWO...                                      *

RESISTANCE IS FUTILE, Page two                    July 1993
   From One Side will also have such things as polls in
certain cubes (some polls must be relayed by intra-cube
Borg). Interviews done via e-mail and then written into From
One Side are also possibilities for the column.
   Another problem with first columns is not knowing how
long to make the column.  I'm starting out with 28        *
including the title and signoff, but that's simply an
arbitrary number.  Once polls and interviews are
incorporated into From One Side, the length will grow.
---Ti'nae Seyan, Genie cube (GEnie:STAR)
 =============
 ADVERTISEMENT
 =============
Enter a place that B.B. Kingus called "The Only Place to
Order a Drink and get assimilated all in the same night"
The Club that John Lee Hookerus called "The Must Club to
get accosted by the drop dead beautiful Bouncer with the  *
pointed ears!" It's the Borg Blues Club, Come visit today
and see what all the excitement is about.
 =================================
 BORG SIGHTINGS IN OTHER UNIVERSES
 =================================
[This interchange is an example of what happens when Borg
try to discuss STNG is an adult and intelligent manner. It
was found on Prodigy, TV BB, Star Trek topic.--eds.]

I firmly believe that Spot will find Data in the shower in
part 2.                                                   *
---Olympius, theoretical Borg, in a rare appearance
(Prodigy:DPNV14B) [Olympius is referring to the season
cliff-hanger ending of the 6th season of STNG. "Descent Part
1", where Data goes off to play with the bad borgs.--ed.]

What will Data be doing in the shower?
--Swannox (Prodigy:HCMH17F)

Why, washing off the Pepsi, of course.
---Olympius, or perhaps testing the waters, just as we.   *
No wonder Data turned evil!  Pepsi could kill you!!
---Swannox, Cola War III? <G>

But has Data turned evil, or has he just calculated that the
way to defeat the bad new Borg (obviously the renegade ones
who keep coming into the Blues Club and trying to pick
fights) was to go to the center of their operations and
discover the programming error?                           *
---Olympius- the programming error here is we don't get new
episodes until Saturday.
                                                          *
You are too optimistic. Data's rotten through and through.
---Oxnardus of Borg, Knows that the Borg have a bad
influence (Prodigy:HCMH17A)

What an Error you have in your broadcast pathways!  It's a Q
fest this Saturday,6:00 P.M.  DS9 (Q episode)
                     7:00 P.M.  TNG (Picard Dies/Q episode)
---Swannox, thinks that Spot is the mastermind to this whole
plan!-

CONTINUED PAGE THREE                                      *

RESISTANCE IS FUTILE, Page three                  July 1993
Data's rotten through and through? But then if Lore is his
bad self, does that mean he's the opposite of bad, or that
he's bad at being rotten, or that her just that much worse?
---Olympius, help us here, we're finding the logic grueling

We always knew that cat was much too innocent looking to be
convincing.
--Olympius, our cats hate poetry

Nope, Lore and Data are now one. They are joined at the hip
or whatever. The Brothers Soong. Sounds like a vaudeville
act.
---Oxnardus, Borg Political Commentator

But, If they're BOTH bad, then where's the dramatic
tension? Will we see them reduced, eventually, to
squabbling over the leadership, making personal insults
about each others positronic pathways, and attributing
false quotes each to the other?
---Olympius, isn't that what happens when there's two bad
guys?

1. The dramatic tension is in the E* good guys trying to
make them both into good guys.
2. They both still have an off-switch, don't they?  And who
among the E* crew is likely to be good with a slingshot?
Just two well-aimed rocks in the middles of their backs
should turn them both off.
3. Howcum nobody reacted to my note on the games bb about
using the vampire clouds against the Borg?  They were from
the TOS episode, "Obsession."
4. Actually the Borg ALREADY look like hi-tech vampires!<g>
---STEPHEN MENDENHALL   (PRODIGY:MFNG88B)

We don't go to the Game Club, we find it much too serious.
Some Borg may be vampires, but we personally find Vampires
rather rule-bound and incapable of spontaneous fun.
---Olympius of the Borg Psychological Institute
We Think that Dr. Crusher is also involved, she likes Spot
you know.  But what gave it away was when Riker was
watching the cat when Data was away a couple of episodes
ago, Spot attacked Riker, must have stumbled into the cats
grand plan!
---Swannox

Of course Dr. Crusher is involved: she's always wanted to
boil Picard alive, but has been hiding her hatred of him
behind an insipid mask of friendship for years. She and
Hugh have been involved in an sub-ethernet affair and are
ready to run away to the Horsehead Nebula...
---Olympius, trapper of wild surmises

That would mean that the Geordi thing is a part of this
also, He didn't like it when Picard called His Pet Borg
Hugh a lab rat, that and the fact that Picard has scored
more with the ladies than he has!
---Swannox, the plot thickens!


CONTINUED PAGE FOUR

RESISTANCE IS FUTILE, Page four                   July 1993
If Data's in the shower, he's obviously waiting for Spot <G>

---RKO (RICHARD OVERSTREET) (Prodigy:NXTJ07F)

If the enterprising members of the Enterprise crew could get
a handle on the homing signal that Soong used to summon Data
(and the unwanted Lore), maybe they could swamp Lore's mind
(which is a swamp in its own right) and lure him to his
re-cycling into something useful--like, maybe, a bucket for
Odo to sleep in.  How many shape-shifters get to sleep in
the mortal remains of a Soong-type android?
---RKO (RICHARD OVERSTREET) (Prodigy:NXTJ07F)

Geordi may or may not be part of it; his motivations and
characterization is so nebulous that we are having a hard
time understanding what he is up to- so relentlessly
positive it makes our maceratory implants ache.           *
---Olympius, prefers the piquant to the sweet.

We have noticed that it is the Star Trek Way never to waste
any really solid enemies; if Lore is be-bucketed then they
will either have to come up with an new bad guy (and more
importantly one who will make them hire an additional actor)
or write more alternate time-line scripts, which we believe
will eventually cause the viewers to rise up and rebel and
watch Marty Stouffer instead.
---Olympius, Borg Zoologician
                                                          *
Please--not Marty Stouffer!
---RKO (RICHARD OVERSTREET) (Prodigy:NXTJ07F)

Well, we refuse to believe that anyone would be driven so
far from intelligent behavior as to watch "Dr. Quinn,
Medicine Woman".
---Olympius of there are LIMITS

What about Wesley?
---Swannox, thinking that the weasel is upset about an extra
year at Starfleet!                                  *

HEY, WE WATCH DR. QUINN!
---Dr Bones McBorg, I'm a Borg Dammit, not a Doctor!
(Prodigy:HCMH17F)

Swannox, we realize that as President you need to keep
in touch with the tastes of the common people, but we hope
if you WATCH Dr. Quinn you don't plan your week around it.
About the Weasel, it is possible that he found the original
Rebel Borg through a dating service, and has been
assimilated into the Lore-Borg cube. But more probably he *
met an attractive Borg in a sleazy bar somewhere and was
seduced into a core memory dump which exposed all of the
weaknesses of the Enterprise crew.
---Olympius , we know what the WC is.






CONTINUED PAGE FIVE                                       *
RESISTANCE IS FUTILE, Page five                   July 1993
  I have solved it.
  Dr Crusher and Spot the Cat were upset that Hugh was going
to be use as a lab rat.  So the Cat and the Dr. decide that
they are going to get Picard back, while planning this evil
deed, the Dr. and the Cat are discovered by Geordi.  Geordi,
always so jealous of the Capt and his * ability to score
with women, decides to help them out.  So, They program Hugh
with a program that turns them into, what they are now.  In
an unrelated incident, while in the backseat of a
shuttlecraft with a rather attractive Borg Bimbette, weasel
and his borg babe bump into Lore, who just happened to be
dating that Borg Bimbette at the time.  So Weasel decides to
help Lore with his plan to Crush the Federation, in return,
Dr. Crusher doesn't find out about the backseat.  After a
Core Download by the Borg Bimbette, Lore and Bimbette take
off on their Borg Scooter heading for Earth, well they just
happen to bump into the Hell's  * Borg, a Borg Scooter Gang
and they are ready to rumble, well Lore defeats the Bikers
leader Oxnardus in a bad Picard Jokes Duel.  Lore takes the
bikers to this nifty pad he has and he names them all and
makes them his pets, well at this time, the Hugh Boy shows
up and really messes up the Collective with his Geordi/Spot
Evasive Program.  While Hugh is making the Borg into very
bad boys, Lore figures a way to get revenge on his dear
brother. Well, Spot beats him to it by placing some White
Castle Burgers in Data's Brain, giving him the emotions.
JUMPING AHEAD, the Captured Borg who was aboard the
enterprise, who's mission* was to find Picards Head Cream
discovers the Burger in Data's head and Microwaves it,
giving Data some very bad thoughts.  Well, Data comes back
and seeing that Data is a hip boy now, Lore and Data make up
and plan on crushing the universe!
---Swannox

The only problem we see is that Weasel ever got anyshe, Borg
or Cardassian or Horta into the backseat of anything Beverly
would probably be pleased as punch, as she has given up on
the idea of ever becoming a grandmother.      *
---Olympius of old fashioned nurturing Starfleet officers.

There are over 1,000 people aboard the Enterprise that can
at any moment be drafted to play a good guy. So Data and
Lore are bad. Data always bothered me anyways. Maybe a big
earthquake will gobble them up.
---Oxnardus, wishful thinker and fashionably late...

Oxnardus, there are many good guys, but we must remember the
archetypical brother-vs-brother conflict has many
existing storylines to follow, whereas we see little      *
chance of having Lore and Data become Jesse and Frank
Cyberjames in space. Actually, now that we think of it,
maybe that is a good idea.
---Olympius, but will Berman pay us for it?

Boy you people will do anything to get on the bb. Do
you people know how stuped you sound.
---comandor Hanson (Prodigy:VJTX62B)


CONTINUED PAGE SIX                                        *
RESISTANCE IS FUTILE, Page six                    July 1993
 ===================
 POETRY CORNER
Musings About Aging
===================
(subtitled-"Where Do The Old Borgs Go?")
by Analog the Android (GEnie:A.Doerr2)
[Being an android, I chose to demonstrate my prowess with
the literary arts by writing my musings in a PANTOUM, a
Malayan poetry form.]

Do androids ever look their age?
I suppose they do for a while.
They look a lot older at their birth,
Yet look younger most of their lives.

I suppose they do for a while,
Look the age they actually are -                          *
Yet look younger most of their lives.
I doubt the Borg share the same fate.

Look the age they actually are,
Often the lot for organics and Borg.
I doubt the Borg share the same fate
As their parts of silicone and titanium steel.

Often the lot for organics and Borg:
To age as Father Time marches on.
As their parts of silicone and titanium steel,            *
Find other spots to rest upon.

To age as Father Time marches on -
With arthritic joints and brittle bones.
Find other spots to rest upon,
Let the rest of the world pass.

With arthritic joints and brittle bones,
Does the aging Borg get these parts replaced?
Let the rest of the world pass,
I will contemplate this thought.                          *
Does the aging Borg get these parts replaced?
Wouldn't they end up like me?
I will contemplate this thought -
Where do the old Borgs go?

Wouldn't they end up like me?
Well, I haven't met one yet.
Where do the old Borgs go?
Do they have a retirement home?

Well, I haven't met one yet.                              *
I wonder what that means -
Do they have a retirement home?
Or do they depart as Soylent Green?

I wonder what that means.
Do they take shuttle tours of systems?
Or do they depart as Soylent Green?
Maybe they just hide when company comes.


CONTINUED PAGE SEVEN                                      *
RESISTANCE IS FUTILE, Page seven                  July 1993
Do they take shuttle tours of systems?
What other things would an old Borg do?
Maybe they just hide when company comes.
I really wish someone would tell me.

What other things would an old Borg do?                   *
Do they enjoy their golden years?
I really wish someone would tell me.
Where do the old Borgs go?

[Analog - not implying that any of the Borg here are old -
just wondering why you never see old Borgs.]
 ========
 BETAVIEW
 ========
 by Deannus of Troy
 (GEnie: J.Niesen)
   Hello, Ladies and Gentlebeings, it is I, Deannus,
bringing to you BetaView, a column on the Betazoids'
perspective on Life in the Cube. As Sierra, my sister, and I
are the only Betas in the cube [on GEnie], Oxnardus
recruited us. Y'all know how shy Si is, so who got stuck
with it? Me.
   'Tis interesting to meet the different species- Tinae
Seyan and Baja Ro, the resident Bajorans, T'Caer, our
favorite Rihannsu lady, GQ, Q2, Q2U2, and all of the *Q, and
of course, the Borg.
   I myself think that StarFleet made a grave mistake on  *
judging the Borg. Most of the Borg I've met are kind, gentle
beings who would rather, as they said in the sixties, "Make
Love, Not War." Take Lucretia, for instance. She would
rather be reading John Grishborg, or some other author than
assimilating some species! Same goes for Chats, who would
rather have a redhead on his arm, (or other parts<G>) than
killing innocent women and children. There's always Rialtus,
who makes toothpicks, and Nocluetus, most of them, I sense,
would rather play contact sports than fly around, taking
chunks of planets. So I say, StarFleet- come to the Jiffy
Cube sometime- and always remember......     *
 Resistance is futile. You will be inseminated.
 And that's The BetaView.
 ====================================
 SLUG TREK: THE UNDISCOVERED PLOTLINE
 ====================================
 Yet another continuing story...
Starring:
Mojo IV       asCaptain Sean-Luc Escargot of the starship,
Snail Trail
Mr. Loste     asCommander William T. Loste
Nip           asLt. Commander Nippon, the only asian
android in the galaxy
Dwarf         asLt. Dworf, chief of security
Msjuge        asa lusty bartender in 7-UP (the ship's bar)
Katana        asCounselor Deanna Hermaphrodite(a Betamax)
Alison Chains asDr. Busterly Crusher (I get the good looking
woman, Pbbbt!)


CONTINUED PAGE EIGHT                                      *

RESISTANCE IS FUTILE, Page eight                  July 1993
Roland DeGraf asHimself, Chief Engineer (hell, he wrote the
software [VBBS], why not?) (and, no, this is NOT a blind
joke!)
Psycho        asChief Miles O'Psycho, transporter chief
Mad Max       asActing Admiral Weasly Crusher
AsonJason     asActing Admiral Weasly Crusher's mid season
replacement
Stranger      as"Q"
"Q"           asMr. X
Mr. X         asStranger

"Slugs.. the ultimate life form.
 These are the voyages of the starship, Snail Trail.
 Its 60 minutes a day mission with standard user access,
 To seek out bad puns and complications.
 To boldly go, where no cyberpunk has gone before!"
                                                          *
Captain Jean-Luc Escargot:
Captains log, stardate 3:45am. We are currently en route to
the If-I-Could-Walk-Like-That-I-Wouldn't-Need-Aftershave
system to investigate Roman intrusions into the...
Commander Nippon:
Excuse me, you lowly round eyed dog, sir, but I believe you
mean ROMULANS.
Capt:
Oh, sorry. grrr... Area, yeah, that's it, area. Mr. Crusher,
status report.                              *
Acting Admiral Weasly Crusher:
I don't quite like your tone! I'll bust you down to
henson...
Capt:
Oh, shut up. Lt. Dworf, status report?
Dworf:
I've got the stomach flu and my girlfriend is 3 weeks late.

Capt:
Aha, that's too bad. What've you got on the Romulans?
Dworf:                                                    *
Well, I'm taller, a better dancer, and much more fun to be
with.
Capt:
Yes, I see. Counselor Hermaphrodite, what do you know about
the Romulan brain.
Counselor Deanna Hermaphrodite:
I'll get you for this, Mojo. I don't know HOW you convinced
me to put this damn dress on but when I get this stupid
girdle off I'm gonna...
Capt:
Hey, Katana, just keep your PAYCHECK in mind.        *
Herm:
Oh, ok.
Capt:
Commander Nippon, what's our ETA to  If-I-could-walk-like-
that-I-wouldn't-need-cologne?
Nippon:
That's AFTERSHAVE, you ugly inferior dog!!!
Capt:
What was that?

CONTINUED PAGE NINE                                       *

RESISTANCE IS FUTILE, Page nine                   July 1993
Nippon:
You ugly inferior dog... SIR!
Capt:
That's better.
<The Captain's comm badge beeps>
Capt:                                                     *
Yes?
Dr. Busterly Crusher: <breathing heavily>
I want you! What are you wearing! I want to feel your long,
hard...
CAPT:
No! Uh, no, that's, uh, nice of you. Umm, I'll talk to you,
uh... later.
Doc:
I'll be waiting...
to be continued....
---Mojo IV #1 @8054 HogNET;#1 @1805004 VirtualNET; 1: 206/
2502 FidoNet
 =========================
 BORG LIBRARY LISTS
 TOP TEN LIST FOR THE WEEK
 =========================
1. The WereBorg of London by Brian Stableborg
2. The Borgkeepers by Chris Borgdien-Jones
3. Child of an Ancient Borg by Tad Williamborg
4. Shadow Borg by Dennis Etchiborg
5. Mostly Harmless Borg by Douglas Aborg
6. The Architecture of Desiring Borg  by Mary Gentleborg  *
7. The Borg in the Moon Must Die   by Jeff Bredenborg
8. The Multiplex Borg  by James P. Hoborg
9. A Dark and Hungry Borg Arises  by Stephen R. Donaldborg
10. The Hollow Borg  by Dan Simmborg

These and other titles available at the Borgaritaville
Public Library. Requests taken.  Storytime  10 am Wed and
Fri.
---Lucretia Borgia, Head Librarian (GEnie:
K.Vonmayr/Prodigy: MBJM54B)
                                                          *
 =====================
QUESTION OF THE MONTH
=====================
Can One Borg Keep a Secret? Or Do They All Know It?
---Analog (GEnie:A.DOERR2)

 ==========
 THEATRE AD
 ==========
   A quiet summer street dances with streaks of sunlight.
In the ruffled trees that line both sides, birds chirp    *
lightly as the sound mingles with the laughter of children.
   At first there comes a sound like the distant rumble of
thunder. Then the birds instantly cease their happy
song......all eyes turn towards the end of the
block.....large yellow feathers suddenly float up into the
air from behind a weathered fence.... the loud clang of
metal on metal clamors as a large garbage can lid slams
shut......then it becomes deathly quiet......


CONTINUED PAGE TEN                                        *
RESISTANCE IS FUTILE, Page ten                    July 1993
   Impact tremors suddenly shake the ground as a large
shadow looms over the usually happy town......
   And a deafening roar lets loose from the beast.......
   "KKKEEEEEEERRRRRRMMMMMIIIIIIEEEE!!!"
    ....yes, folks, it's....
                                                          *
NIGHTMARE ON SESAME STREET
PART ONE

"JURASSIC PORK"

STARRING

MISS PIGGY
as the T-Rex sized velociporker
KERMIT D. FROG
as the Professor
THE COUNT
as Malcolm
GROVER
as the guy that knows about pork-by-products
and what happens to the leftovers
BIG BIRD
as the attorney
BERT AND ERNIE
as the kids
OSCAR THE GROUCH
as the obnoxious computer hacker.
YOU'LL LAUGH!  YOU'LL SCREAM!
YOU'LL LEARN HOW TO COUNT TO FOURTEEN!
coming to a theater near you
 ================
 BORG FILMOGRAPHY
 ================
"Descent Part One"
   Original airdate: 06/27/93. Teleplay by Ronald D. Moore.
Story by Jeri Taylor. Directed by Alexander Singer.
   GUESTS:  James Carver, Brian Cousins, Richard
Gilbert-Hill, Stephen Hawking, John Neville, Natalija
Nogulich    * (Admiral), Jim Norton.
   PLOT:  Teaser with Data playing poker with Newton,
Einstein and Hawking in holodeck. Strangely enough, the name
of the episode is displayed on the screen before the titles
are run.
   The Enterprise responds to a distress beacon from an
outpost. They encounter a very large ship of unknown design
which appears to be abandoned. An away team consisting of
Riker, Worf, Data and some unlucky chick go to outpost,
discover all 200 inhabitants killed, and encounter some
Borg. A battle ensues. The unlucky chick gets fried.  A   *
borg and Data go mano a mano and the Borg gets Data in a
hand grip. Data turns the tide and kills the Borg. Riker
notes that one of the Borg is giving a running commentary of
the fight out loud. After a Borg has fallen the Borg says
loudly "Torsus was killed. I will make you suffer for this."
Riker's ears perk up. Something is afoot with the
collective!!! Severe personality changes!!! After Data
wastes a Borg, the Howard Cosell Borg beams up to the big
ship.
RESISTANCE IS FUTILE, Page eleven                 July 1993
Turns out the big ship was impervious to the Enterprise's
sensors (uh oh! bad sign). The big ship then disappears.
After the melee Data looks weird. Riker asks what's up. Data
says that he got 'angry.'
   During the debriefing, Riker extrapolates that the Borg
were rogue Borg. Worf adds that they were using the pronoun
"I" a lot. Crusher hypothesizes that Hugh may have
influenced the collective. Picard concludes that the Borg
are no longer interested in technology, but that their
agenda has changed...but to what??? Picard assigns everyone
a little job and scoots off to inform Star Fleet of the
situation (bad move Jean-Luc!!!).
   Geordi attempts to help Data figure out whether he really
did get 'angry' at the Borg. Data is not satisfied by
Geordi's help, so he hightails it over to Troi.
   Picard gets chewed out by a sarcastic Star Fleet Admiral
for letting Hugh go. Picard is ordered to destroy the Borg*
the very next opportunity he has. He was a bad boy and he
knows it.
   Data and Troi get into a "profound" discussion on the
nature of anger. Data reveals his "fear" of becoming a "bad"
person (HEAVY HANDED FORESHADOWING ALERT) because he felt
pleasure in bopping the borg.
   Meanwhile, the colonies and outposts are spooked and
reporting every ship as a borg intruder. It's driving Picard
and Riker nutszoid.
   Geordi discovers that the Borg disappeared by using a
subspace distortion. Picard snaps at Riker and mulls over *
his choice of letting Hugh go. He decides that although it
was the ethical thing to do, it may not have been the right
thing to do (yeah right Picard...everyone one knows that the
ethical ALWAYS takes precedence over the non-ethical).
   Geordi goes looking for Data and finds Data in the
holodeck beating up faux borg. Data is attempting to
recreate his feeling of anger.
   The ship goes into red alert! MS1 is attacked by borg!
Enterprise to the rescue! The Enterprise chases a big bad
borg ship and are sucked into the subspace distortion field.
Once out of the field, two borg beam on the bridge * (heck,
why not..everyone else does!). The ever ready bridge crew
shoot the borg. One is killed and another survives. Riker
notes they are not vaporized. Picard notes is was a ruse to
allow the big bad borg ship to get away (which it did!).
   The surviving borg is Croesus. He is detained in the
detention area. Croesus talks to Picard about the new borg
rage of destroying inferior organisms and how "The One"
taught them all about it. When talking to Data. Croesus
touches his arm and a green light goes on. Data gives a
weird look. Croesus then talks Data into stealing a shuttle
craft and becoming a homicidal maniac. They leave that pop
stand. They never say in the scene what happened to the
(most likely unfortunate) ensign operating the force field
in the detention area. Worf discovers the breach and tries
to bring back the shuttle, but the shuttle makes it to the
subspace distortion field. The Enterprise follows the
shuttle through it and to a planet which has a natural
deterrent to sensors (uh oh, another bad sign).


CONTINUED PAGE TWELVE                                     *
RESISTANCE IS FUTILE, Page twelve                 July 1993
   Picard leaves a skeleton crew on board with Crusher in
command. He uses the rest of the crew to form search teams
in order to search the surface of the planet.
   Picard, Geordi, Troi and an unlucky guy constitute a
search team. They find a building in what looks like a
wilderness area in South California. They enter the       *
building. They are surrounded by borg. The unlucky guy gets
fried. Lore comes out, followed by Data who proclaims, "The
sons of Soong have joined together and together we will
destroy the Federation." Obviously, StarFleet was late one
too many times with Data's paycheck. Picard, Geordi, and
Troi look concerned at each other.
 =================
 BORG COMICOGRAPHY
 =================
"The Worst of Both Worlds: The Armies of the Night"
   Part three of four parts                               *
   STAR TREK: THE NEXT GENERATION, No. 49 (August 1993).
24pg. DC Comics. Writer: Michael Jan Freidman. Penciller:
Peter Krause. Inker: Pablo Marcos. Letterer: Bob Pinaha.
Colorist: Julianna Ferriter. Editor: Alan Gold.
   CHARACTERS (identified in text): Picard, Data, Riker,
Troi, Bev Crusher, Worf, Geordi. Alternative Universe:
Riker, Worf, Geordi, Shelby, O'Brien, Wesley Crusher,
Locutus.
   SYNOPSIS: The cover art gives the ending of this book
away right away, with a Borg with a large blaster arm
attachment blasting Worf. The cover reads ONE WILL DIE!.  *
   Part 3 starts out with Picard and Date realizing that
Locutus is not aboard the Borg Cube. In a scene identical to
the escape Worf and Data made in the TV Episode "Best of
Both Worlds Part 1", they flee the Borg Cube.  Later aboard
the AU (alternative universe) Enterprise, they discover that
Locutus is on Earth. They plan to go down and infiltrate
Starfleet HQ, turn the shield
off and beam Locutus out. Later, Worf and AU Worf have a
heart warming talk and make their way to the Transporter
Room.
   Aboard THE ENTERPRISE, AU Shelby agrees to play decoy  *
while the away team is on Earth. She is still talking Mutiny
and comments she has a ship of her own. However, AU O'Brien
hits a button on the Ops panel (looked suspect) when AU
Shelby alerts the crew to be ready for some independent
action.
   On Earth, the landing party of Picard, Data, Riker and
the two Worfs find that Starfleet HQ is now a conversion
plant to turn humans into Borg. They make their way to
Locutus, turn the shield off and grab Locutus, all the while
blasting through Borg who have rather large arm blasters on
both arms.  While giving the order to beam up,* the landing
party is split up a few feet and two Borgs blast toward the
Worfs who are holding Locutus. The Last panel only show's a
rather burned hand with Picard yelling Worf!






CONTINUED PAGE THIRTEEN                                   *

RESISTANCE IS FUTILE, Page thirteen               July 1993
                     FROM THE EDITORS
            BIG MONDO CHANGES STILL IN STORE!!!
   The Borg Club is now on Prodigy, GEnie, and NVN. It is
in the process of being introduced to some conferences on
FidoNet, VirtualNet, and possibly HogNet. Also in the works
is an Internet collective as well. The Borg Club has      *
doubled it's readership in the last three months and will
most likely double again within the next few months or so.
   We welcome the first submission by a
HogNet/VirutalNet/FidoNet member with the wonderful "Slug
Trek". Mojo IV assured me that when he has time, he will
have the Borg as guest stars soon. So you Borg purists,
don't blow a fuse.
                      EDITOR NOTICES
   The Borg Club is located on GEnie at SFRT2, Category 37,
Topic 20; on Prodigy at the Games BB, Star Trek RPG A-S,
under the "Borg" and "Cyborg" subjects, at the Arts BB,   *
Science Fiction, under the "Borg" subjects and at the TV
BB, Star Trek under the "Borg" subjects; and on NVN at the
Science Fiction Forum (GO SCIFI), [Forum # 57], on the
Message Base, Topic 10 "FANS", starting with message #
10603 . RIF is distributed as a post on Prodigy in both the
Games BB and the Arts BB and on GEnie in the Borg Club
subject. On NVN, RIF is available for downloading from the
Science Fiction File Library.
   We are still in the process of getting this newsletter
and the Borg Club on FidoNet and other national and local
electronic BBS networks. If anyone has any feedback about *
this, please contact either Kym or Marian. We have compiled
quite a few national and area BBS number listings and we
could probably find you a local BBS which might be carrying
the Star Trek echos of a network or even have their own
local board. Ask and we will help you.
   Our program of the assimilation of BBS across the nation
is coming along faster than we planned, so it is becoming a
bit confused. Please bear with us as we expand further into
Sector 0,0,1.
   Members who wish information on how to enroll into GEnie
and get a copy of Aladdin, a freeware managing program for*
GEnie; OR how to enroll into Prodigy and get a copy of a
shareware managing program for Prodigy; OR how to enroll
and navigate around NVN, please contact Kym Masera Taborn
(Prodigy:HCMH17A/GEnie:K.Taborn/ NVN:Ktaborn) or Marian
Samuels (Prodigy:NRCR88A/GEnie:M.Samuels1/ NVN:Msamuels).
              PUBLISHING & COPYRIGHT NOTICES
   RESISTANCE IS FUTILE ("RIF") is published and edited by
Kym Masera Taborn (GEnie:K.Taborn/Prodigy:HCMH17A/NVN:
Ktaborn) and Marian Samuels (GEnie:M.Samuels1/Prodigy:
NRCR88A/NVN:Msamuels) for distribution on various national
electronic services and local electronic BBS echos.       *
   COPYRIGHT NOTICES: "RIF" acknowledges that Paramount
Pictures and its various subsidiaries as having the sole
rights to the Star Trek trademark. "RIF" has no intention
to infringe upon that copyright or earn profit from this
publication. It is distributed free of charge. "RIF" also
acknowledges the Prodigy Services, General Electric, and
NVN copyrights. This newsletter may be distributed by
anyone if kept intact and not altered in anyway. Consider
it shareware publishing! Resistance is Futile, copyright
(c) 1993 by Kym Masera Taborn and Marian Lee Samuels.
CONTINUED ON PAGE FOURTEEN                                *
RESISTANCE IS FUTILE, Page fourteen               July 1993
 SOLICITATIONS FOR NEXT NEWSLETTER
   The next Resistance is Futile will be released on or
about August 15, 1993 (yeah, right!). Send submissions to
Kym Masera Taborn (GEnie:K.Taborn/Prodigy: HCMH17A/NVN:
taborn) OR Marian Samuels (GEnie:M.Samuels1/Prodigy:
NRCR88A/NVN:Msamuels). "RIF" is a non-profit fan          *
publication. All submissions for publication should be sent
to the editors. The editors retain editorial control and
reprint privileges over the submitted materials and reserve
the right to use the material in whatever way they deem
appropriate. Submitted materials will not be returned to the
sender.
 BACK ISSUES OF RIF AVAILABLE
   Missing an issue? Used your RIF for a place mat or
coaster one time too many? Just e-mail Kym Masera Taborn
(GEnie:K.Taborn/ Prodigy:HCMH17A/NVN:Ktaborn) and that
abused issue will be replaced. Please indicate which issue*
you desire.  At this time, the issues available are numbers
1 (May 1992) through 10 (July 1993).

----THE END ----

  What follows is RESISTANCE IS FUTILE, issue no. 11
(August 1993). Please do not post any notes in this chain.
This chain will be reserved for RIF. I will post a new page
whenever I notice the previous page has been posted.
  Thank you for your corporation (heh heh).

BORG CLUB MEMBERSHIP SERVICES
        _____________       ____________      ____________
    * / R            \   */             \  */             \
   * |  E  ______    |   *\____     ____/  *|     ________/
   * |  S |******|   |    ****|     |***   *| F  |********
   * |  I |     *|   |       *|     |      *| U  |____
   * |  S ~~~~~~~  /         *|  I  |      *| T       \
   * |  T  ____    \         *|  S  |      *| I   ____/
   * |  A |*** \    \        *|     |      *| L  |***
   * |  N |    * \    \   ___*|     |____  *| E  |
   * |  C |      * \    \/               \ *|    |
   * \__E_/        * \___/______________/  *\____/
THE OFFICIAL ORGAN OF THE GALACTIC BORG CONSCIOUSNESS
ISSUE NUMBER 11
August 1993
                   ================
                   FROM THE EDITORS
                   ================
   RIF has changed it's release date to the first of the
month. Therefore, submissions for the next RIF must be
received by the 15th of the previous month of the issue for
it to be considered for admission.
   I know it is early, but I want everyone to think about
it. The 17th issue of RIF will be the February issue.
February, of course, is anniversary month for The Borg
Club. It will be observed by being a double sized issue. It
would be great if EVERYONE could participate. So, please,
continue sending in your regular monthly submissions, but
also start to plan your special submission for the boffo
2nd anniversary issue.
   In a couple of months, we will be coming out with a
special issue of RIF. It will be the BEST OF RIF, v. 1. It
will cover the best articles in RIF from it's first year.
               =======================
               YOU WILL BE ASSIMILATED
               =======================
   A monthly primer on Assimilation for the Beginner
             A feature by Swannox of Borg
   (PRODIGY:HCMH17F;Internet:[e-mail])
  It seems to me that lately a few units have not been
using proper protocol when encountering new lifeforms that
are potential new sources of Raw Material and Technology.
The following will help you become a better Borg, and
facilitate that assimilation.
   1.  WE ARE BORG.
You must first identify who you are, sometimes
the name alone will make most lifeforms shake
with fear.
   2.  YOU WILL SERVICE THE BORG.
Be up front with the assimilatee. Let it know
that you plan to make him/her an offer they
cannot refuse.
   3.  PREPARE TO BE ASSIMILATED.
Always let them know that they are about to join
an exciting world of non-stop parties and good times.

   4.  RESISTANCE IS FUTILE.
This is a two fold response. It is a standard reply to those
lifeforms that want to cause trouble for the civilization
that is about to become part of the borg. It is also a
notification of subscription opportunities to the official
newsletter of the borg.
   These are the basic standard greetings that should be
used when preparing to assimilate a culture.  As you become
more adept at assimilation, you can add variations to the
greetings, such as...
   SWANNOX:WE ARE SWANNOX OF BORG, PREPARE TO BE
ASSIMILATED.
   Reply:We will never be assimilated.
   SWANNOX:RESISTANCE IS FUTILE, ALL WILL SERVICE THE BORG,
DISARM YOUR WEAPONS AND PREPARE TO BE ASSIMILATED. ANY
ATTEMPT AT INTERFERENCE AND YOU WILL BE DESTROYED."
   It's real simple once you do it a couple of times.  In
later issues, we will discuss the advanced technique. Next
month we will discuss how to assimilate the lifeform in
various situations.  We will also take questions you might
have about assimilation.  Address all mail to Prodigy:
HCMH17F or Internet: [e-mail], or in care of
Kym Taborn (aka Oxnardus) (GEnie:K.Taborn/Prodigy:HCMH17A/
NVN:Ktaborn/InterNet: [e-mail]/FidoNet:
Oxnardus 197 @1:206/2513//VirtualNet: Oxnardus 197 @1805020
/WWIVNet:Oxnardus 115 @8500/ AnarchyNet:Oxnardus) and on
other various networks. Be sure to state in your e-mail
that your correspondence regards "You Will Be Assimilated."
                  ===================
                     POETRY CORNER
                  ===================
                        "Borgs"
(adapted from "Chichens" but the sage Shannon Patrick, who,
although very wise, couldn't spell "Chickens" right)
               by Hazel (Prodigy:PGNG45B)

      Borgs are cool
    Borgs are neat
    Borgs are also good to eat

         =======================================
         SLUG TREK 72: THE UNDISCOVERED PLOTLINE
         =======================================
                  A neverending story...

"Slugs.. the ultimate life form.
 These are the voyages of the starship, Snail Trail.
 Its 60 minutes a day mission with standard user access,
 To seek out bad puns and complications.
 To boldly go, where no cyberpunk has gone before!"

Act 2: CAPTAIN ESCARGOT FINDS AN ALIEN TO FALL IN LOVE WITH

Captain Jean-Luc Escargot:
I really hope I'm doing this right, I've never made love to
a half-Romulan, half-humpback whale...

continued page THREE

RESISTANCE IS FUTILE, Page three      No. 11    August 1993
Act 3:  ENCOUNTER AT POINT-NOT-QUITE-SO-FAR-AWAY-AS-
        FARPOINT STATION.

<Back on the Bridge>
One of those guys in Red who the Alien Kills:
Captain on the Bridge
Capt:
Thank you, thank you, no autographs, please...
Acting Admiral Weasly Crusher:
You insolent pup, I'll have you...
Capt:
Dammit, would somebody get him a Trill or something!
William T. Loste:
C'Mere, Weasly, time to teach you what being a MAN is all
about... <drags him off into a closet>
Capt:
Lt. Dworf, status report.
Lt. Dworf:
Lakers vs Bulls, 14 to Nothing.
Capt:
Transporter room, status.
<Cmd. Loste and Weasly stumble out of the closet>
Miles O'Psycho:
Huh-hu-hu-hu, Huh-hu-hu-hu... That was cool.
Capt:
I didn't quite get that, transporter room.
Miles:
Shut up, I'm busy!
Capt:
I'll have you busted down to...
Miles:
<Sings the guitar part on Stairway to Heaven>
Capt:
Dammit, Chief, I want some answers!
Miles:
Lets beam something!
<Weasly Crusher disintegrates violently, followed by
 roaring applause>
Capt:
<sigh> Stupid, but effective. Bridge out.
Lt. Dworf:
Captain, I am reading an unidentified vessel approaching.
Capt:
Gee, who could it be this time? Klingons? Cardasians?
Romans...
Nippon:
You pathetic rounded eyed dog, that's ROMULANS!!!
Capt:
What, didn't we give you enough lines already??? Anyway...
Must be... Ferengi! Yeah, we haven't had a fight with the
Ferengi in the long while... Not since Slug Trek 47:The
Savings and Loan of Doom...
Lt. Dworf:
Sorry, sir. No such luck. Its definitely Borg.
Capt:
BORG??? Awwww, geez, haven't we beaten that to death yet?
(god, I hope I don't get assimilated again I
hated that they tried to staple a spine into me
and...)
CONTINUED PAGE FOUR

RESISTANCE IS FUTILE, Page four      No. 11    August 1993
Dworf:
The are hailing us.
Capt:
Open frequencies. <speaking aloud> I am Captain Jean-Luc
Escargot of the Slightly-Less-Organized-Than-Somalia ship,
Snail Trail...
Borg:
I AM BRAINY, OF BORG. YOU WILL BE SMURFED. SMURFING IS
FUTILE.
CAPT:
NOOOOooOOOooOooooOOOoooooOOOooo!!!!!!!!
to be continued...
--Mojo IV #1 @8054 HogNET;#1 @1805004 VirtualNET;1:206/2502
FidoNet
                   =============
                   ADVERTISEMENT
                   =============
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most potent drink in the universe? Or the House specialty
Blue Heaven was the drink so intoxicating that you would
kiss a Ferengi? Well, you were wrong...
   Now Introducing, a drink so Powerful that your body will
actually Go Warp Speed, enter Transwarp Speed and then go
into Hyper Speed.
   It's HYPER BEER, and you can only get it at the BORG
BLUES CLUB. Discovered by Wingus and Copyrighted by the
Borg Blues Club TM.
   Hyper Beer will actually let your body experience what
if feels like to go into Hyper Speed without the need of a
vessel.  HYPER BEER also allows the drinker to Fold into
space, talk about a buzz!  It's new, and it's only at
Swannox's BORG BLUES CLUB.
   So what are you waiting for, come in and try it today!
                  =========================
                     BORG LIBRARY LISTS
                        TOP TEN LIST
                      CHILDREN'S BOOKS
                  =========================
 1. The Stinky Cheese Borg and Other Fairly Stupid Tales
 2. Curious George and the Borg
 3. Mrs. Frisbee and the Borg of NIMH
 4. From the Mixed-Up Files of Mrs. Basil E. Borgwieler
 5. The Borgenstain Bears and the Messy Room
 6. Little Cube on the Prairie
 7. The Cube at Pooh Corner
 8. Go Borg Go
 9. Ramona the Borg
 10. Mike Mulliborg and the Steam Shovel
These and other titles available at the Borgaritaville
Public Library. Requests taken.  Storytime  10 am Wed and
Fri.
---Lucretia Borgia, Head Librarian (GEnie: K.Vonmayr/
Prodigy: MBJM54B)

CONTINUED PAGE FIVE

RESISTANCE IS FUTILE, Page five      No. 11    August 1993
            ==================================
            STAR TREK: THE NEXT (de)GENERATION
                WHERE NO SANE MAN WOULD GO
            ==================================
Original source and author unknown.
Contributed by Dragon [The Dragon's Realm - (805) 524-DRGN
(3746) (42:1005/1203)] and reprinted from ZenTrek
(AnarchyNet Sub moderated by Oxnardus of Borg
(GEnie:K.Taborn/Prodigy:HCMH17A/ NVN:Ktaborn/InterNet:
[e-mail]/FidoNet:Oxnardus 197 @1:206/2513//
VirtualNet: Oxnardus 197 @1805020 /WWIVNet:Oxnardus 115
@8500/AnarchyNet:Oxnardus)

 PART ONE OF SIX:

Captain's Log, Stardate 32768.0:
   After a particularly poorly written but nonetheless
successful first season, the Enterprise has been assigned
to do an exploratory survey of an unexplored quadrant
nearest the center of the galaxy, in the hopes that
something interesting will happen.  On another note, I must
admit that I am somewhat distressed at the seemingly random
nature of these stardates I am required to quote.  They
remain a great mystery to me, despite the extensive
research that was done on them nearly 400 years ago.

Picard:Stop smirking, number one.
Riker: I wasn't aware that I was, sir.
Picard: You do, Riker.  All the time.  And stop leaning
against things with your head hunched down
between your shoulders.
Riker: [Standing up straight for a change] Aye, sir.

[ Tweedlesquirge ]

Data: Captain, ship's sensors have detected a derelict
spacecraft at extreme range.
Picard: Analysis?
Data: It's too far away for any meaningful scan, sir.
Picard: Then how do you know it's a derelict?
Data: I do not know, sir.  I would speculate that it is a
writer's error.
Picard: Obviously.  Well, let's rubberband our way over
there and have a look at it.  Geordi, set course.
Geordi: Aye, sir.  Three two two point eight nine mark four
three....seven...and some other meaningful numbers.
Picard: Engage.

[ Purrdlefreezowp ]
EXTERNAL SHOT:

[ fwEESH!!!   POOOWWWWWW!!!!! ]

BRIDGE:
Data: Approaching derelict craft.
Picard: Scan it, Mr. Data.

[ Blinkitydinkitydinkityzeerp ]
CONTINUED PAGE SIX

RESISTANCE IS FUTILE, Page six       No. 11    August 1993
Data: It appears to be an old Earth craft from the late 20th
century.
Picard: [Muttering]
Not again....
Data: It seems to be saucer-shaped, with little lights that
spin around and around on the bottom,
serving no other readily apparent function.
Riker: I've got a bad feeling about this.
Troi: Hey!  That's MY line!
Riker: Well, you dropped your cue....
Picard: I will *not* have petty bickering on my bridge.
Data: Awwww....
Picard: Riker, put together an away team.
Riker: Aye, sir.  Geordi, Worf; come with me.
[Shouting at ceiling]
Lieutenant!
Ceiling:OH, GOODIE!
Picard: And don't bother to wear environmental suits, since
they obviously have an oxygen-
pressurized atmosphere over there.
Riker: Of course, sir.

[ Fade.  Opening credits.  Commercial for Ginsu Knives and
a digital watch (if you order now), followed by a man
accusing you of having gingivitis]

Captain's Log, Stardate 32768.5:
   We have encountered a dippy-looking flying saucer.
Riker, LaForge, and Worf are beaming over to investigate.
While these plots always resolve themselves in 50 minutes,
I nonetheless feel that this is going to be very
unpleasant.

INTERIOR, DERELICT SPACECRAFT. A DOME-ISH STRUCTURE IS IN
THE MIDDLE THAT LOOKS VAGUELY LIKE A COMPASS.  STEEL
SQUARES ADORN ONE WALL, DESCENDING TO A LOWER LEVEL, RIGHT
NEXT TO AN ELEVATOR.  THE CAMERA PANS TO A CONTROL PANEL
FILLED WITH SWITCHES AND FLASHING LIGHTS WHICH IS SET
BEFORE A LARGE ORDINARY PLATE GLASS WINDOW WHICH LOOKS OUT
INTO OPEN SPACE.

[ FFFeeeeeerrrrrrrrzzzzzzzzsssshhhhhhhh!  The away team
appears.]

Riker:[Tapping communicator]
Down and safe.
Worf: Uh, wrong series, sir.
Riker: Ooops...
Picard: Good, number one.  Keep the channel open and
continue to report.
Riker: Aye, sir.
Picard: And don't smirk.
Riker: Yes, sir.
Geordi: Sir, this doesn't make any sense.  This is an
ordinary plate glass window, and yet it looks out onto open
space.  It should shatter under the pressure.
Riker: That's nothing compared to what I think we're going
to find.
Worf: OOoooo.  Foreshadowing.
CONTINUED PAGE SEVEN

RESISTANCE IS FUTILE, Page seven     No. 11    August 1993
Geordi: [Looking through a disc of plexiglas]
Now, *this* is interesting...
Picard: Describe what you see, Geordi.
Geordi: I see...  Jimmy, and Tommy, and Billy, and Susan,
and Mary......
Riker: Come on, Worf.  Let's go downstairs.

[ Riker and Worf go downstairs. ]

Riker: Well, here we are downstairs.
Worf: It appears to be the crew's quarters.

[ Riker draws a curtain and finds two bunkbeds, with a
human female in each. ]

Riker: Hey!  Lookit what I found!
Picard: What have you found, Number One?
Riker: No, I found two females.  They appear to be in some
sort of coma.

[ Worf draws another curtain, and finds two human males. ]

Worf: Two more humans over here, sir.  They also appear to
be comatose.

[ Riker moves to examine the newfound humans, while Worf
draws another curtain and finds a young boy and an oldish
man. ]

Worf: Still more over here, also dead to the universe.
Picard: Let's hope they stay that way.

[ Suddenly, the old man wakes with a start. ]

O.M: AAGGGHHH!!!!  Oh, good heavens!  Who are you??  What do
you want??
Riker: No such luck, sir.
Picard: Oh, ****...
O.M: [Pointing at Worf, cowering]  What are *you*??
Worf: I am a Klingon.
O.M: [Cowering] Oh, how very apt.

[ As a result of the old man's screaming, the others come
out of their coma. ]

Man 1: Who are you?  What are doing on my ship?
Woman 1:Who are they?
Man 1: I don't know.
Worf: I think we better get Geordi down here, sir.
Riker: Agreed.  [Taps comm.]  Geordi....
Geordi: ...Patrick, and Walter, and Edna, and Sally,
and.....
Riker: Put a sock in it, LaForge, and get down here!
Geordi: .... er, yes, sir!
Man 1: Who are you?
Riker: I am Commander William T. Riker, and this is
Lieutenant Worf.
Man 1: Where do you come from?  How did you get aboard?
Riker: We're from the Starship Enterprise.
CONTINUED PAGE EIGHT

RESISTANCE IS FUTILE, Page eight     No. 11    August 1993
Man 1: Never heard of it.

[ Riker and Worf flash each other quizzical looks.  Geordi
enters
from the rear of the room. ]
Riker: We're from Starfleet Command.

[ No response. ]

Riker: The United Federation of Planets.

[ Still no response. ]

Riker: Earth, you dullards!
Man 1: Oh!  Sorry.  We've been out of touch for a while.
Riker: And you are.....
Man 1: My name is Robinson.  This is my wife, whose name I
can't seem to remember; my co-pilot, whose name I also can't
seem to remember;  my daughter, Penny; and my son, Will.
O.M: [Sheepishly] Hello...
Robinson: And *that* is Dr. Zachary Smith.
Smith: How do you do, sir.  I apologize for my appalling
behavior earlier. I should have recognized immediately that
you were from Earth.  I fear my powers of perception are
failing me.

[ A vaguely mechanical voice descends on the elevator. ]

Voice: Disturbance!  Disturbance!  I will render assistance.

Robnsn: And that is our robot.
Picard: Riker!  What's going on???
Riker: We've encountered six humans and a robot.  They seem
ordinary  enough, though they haven't heard of the
Federation.
Data: I recommend we beam them over, sir.
Picard: You would.
Geordi: I concur with Data, sir.  That plate glass window is
going to go at.....  *Any Moment!*
Picard: Oh, very well.  But keep them out of my way.
Tsu: [Bouncing onto the bridge, if you know what I mean, and
I think you do] I'm here, sir.
Picard: Good.  Take Geordi's station.
Riker: Transporter room!
Xport: Sir.
Picard: Nine people and a robot to beam over.
Xport: Ready to beam you over, sir.
Riker: Engage.
Xport: You mean "energize".
Riker: Oh, yeah.  Right.
Xport: ........ Well?
Riker: ENERGIZE!!!!!!

[ FFFeeeeeerrrrrrrrzzzzzzzzsssshhhhhhhh! ]

CUT TO MEDICAL BAY.  THE DOCTOR IS EXAMINING DR. SMITH.
THE REST OF THE DIPS ARE WATCHING.  PICARD ENTERS WITH DATA
AND TROI.  THE DOCTOR TURNS TO ADDRESS PICARD.
(continued page nine)

RESISTANCE IS FUTILE, Page nine      No. 11    August 1993
McCoy: Dammit, Picard.  What do you think you're doing
throwing these peoples' molecules all over creation?
Picard: Admiral McCoy!  What are you doing here?
McCoy: Starfleet cited a seldom-used activation clause. Why
the hell did you fire Crusher, anyway?
Picard: She wasn't cute enough.
McCoy: You *must* be kidding!
Troi: Captain....
Picard: Yes, counselor.
Troi: I'm sensing great stupidity.
Picard: Who from?
Troi: Everyone.
McCoy: That's unsurprising.  I ran an IQ test on all these
guys, and it's barely measurable, even all the way down to
the smallest intelligence unit available; they only measure
about two to three Carters apiece.
Troi: No, sir.  It's more than just the people we
picked up from the ship.  It's much greater than that....
Ceiling:Captain, this is Ensign Tsu.  The helm has just gone
down.  I can't navigate the ship.
Picard:Go to manual control.
Ceiling:  Sir, that trick never works.
Picard: Try it, anyway.
Ceiling:Captain, this is Chief Engineer Roland W.
Whatshisname.  The fire sprinklers just went off down here,
but we don't know why. Everything's getting wet.  Funny,
though; I thought it was a Halon setup down here...
Picard: Turn them *off*, engineer.
Ceiling:We can't, sir.  The faucet handle broke off in my
hand.
Picard: [Rhetorically]
What is going on????
Ceiling:  Sir, this is Wesley Crusher.
Picard: Shut up, Wesley!
Data: Shut up, Wesley!
Riker: Shut up, Wesley!
McCoy:    Shut up, Wesley!
Geordi: Shut up, Wesley!
Worf: Shut up, Wesley!
Troi: Shut up, Wesley!
Ceiling:But sir!  Holodeck two just turned itself inside
out.  And it's not a pretty sight, I can tell
you.

PRODIGY(R) interactive personal service         08/01/93         0:06 AM


[ Picard dons a look of amazement and panic. ]

Ceiling:  ...Though it is kinda neat.

[ Fade to black.  A female starts lecturing you on
athlete's foot, followed by an obnoxious brat eating a
chocolate bar.  Dick Cavett tries to sell you on a TV
dinner, and a bunch of dips drive around in a Japanese
excuse for a Jeep. ]

TO BE CONTINUED NEXT MONTH!!!!!SAME BAT TIME, SAME BAT
CHANNEL!
(continued page eleven)

RESISTANCE IS FUTILE, Page ten       No. 11    August 1993
                     =================
                     BORG COMICOGRAPHY
                     =================
"The Worst of Both Worlds" part four was not released as of
the deadline for submissions for this issue. We look
forward to it being in RIF #12!!!
                     ==================
                     CONVENTION NOTICES
                     ==================   Fandomonium, the
generic science fiction club, is proud to announce  that we
will be holding a science fiction convention, FandCon I, at
the  Nipomo Youth Recreation Center, 170 South Frontage,
Nipomo, CA 93444, on  Saturday, August 14 and Sunday, August
15, 1993.  The convention is being held to celebrate the
club's 17th birthday, which falls on the friday before the
convention.
   The Master of Ceremonies will be Walter Daugherty, of
Santa Maria, CA. Guests of Honor include Melisa Corrina
Michaels, science fiction writer, Larry Niven, science
fiction writer, and Frank Kelly Freas, fantasy artist.
There will also be other guests from the Los Angeles
Science Fantasy Society, founded in 1934, the oldest
science fiction club in the world.
   There will be huckster tables, an art show & masquerade
contest open  to entries from the public, filksinging,
gaming, exhibits of things like how to do Klingon
makeup, speakers who were there will tell annecdotes about
the early days of the space program and the early days of
science fiction fandom, there will be videos, an exhibition
tourney by the Society of Creative Anachronisms, and a
tri-tip barbecue.
   A badge good for both days is $20, for one day $10. The
masquerade will be Saturday, the art auction Sunday.
Children under 12 will be half price. There is a 25%
discount for all prepaid memberships if your money is in by
July 10th. Make out check or money order to Darrell
Grisham, Treasurer, and  send it to FandCon I, 466
Concepcion Ave, Nipomo, CA 93444-9131.
   Fandomonium is hoping to find new local members in the
area with this convention, and to introduce those who have
never seen one to what a science fiction convention is
like. Though we expect this to be a fairly small
convention, we are trying to offer most of the features of
larger ones, such as Loscon, held by LASFS in the Los
Angeles area every Thanksgiving. We have been fortunate
enough to be able to draw on the resources of LASFS for
many of our guests, though Melisa Michaels is being flown
in from Hawaii by the members of Fandomonium who are online
on the Prodigy Computer Service. Most of our convention
committee is coming in from out of state to meet for the
club birthday party, the wedding of two online members, and
the convention.
   Fandomonium was founded on friday, August 13, 1976 in
San Pedro, CA, by Marji Holt, who moved to Nipomo in
February 1991.  Originally, the club was a Star Trek fan
club called the South Bay Trekkies, but later the members
of the club, then centered in Torrance, CA, decided the
club had gone  generic, and that name was misleading.  The
name was changed to Fandomonium on the club birthday in
1984.  In August of 1991 the club went online on the
(continued page eleven)
RESISTANCE IS FUTILE, Page eleven    No. 11    August 1993
Prodigy Computer Service, which allows contact with members
nationwide, even in Hawaii.  And it was this online group
of members who decided to get together in Nipomo for the
club's 17th birthday, and to put on a convention that will
help the club's founder develop the local branch of the
club in Nipomo. The convention will have the added
advantage of acquainting local science fiction fans with
conventions, so that when the Woodlands Project on the
Nipomo Mesa builds their planned convention center local
fandom may be in a position to make use of it with larger
science fiction conventions. Science fiction fans tend to
think ahead.<grin>
---Furballus of Borg (Prodigy:MRWM32F)
                  ==============
                  EDITOR NOTICES
                  ==============
   The Borg Club is located on GEnie at SFRT2, Category 37,
Topic 20; on Prodigy at the Games BB, Star Trek RPG A-S,
under the "Borg" and "Cyborg" subjects, at the Arts BB,
Science Fiction, under the "Borg" subjects and at the TV
BB, Star Trek under the "Borg" subjects; and on NVN at the
Science Fiction Forum (GO SCIFI), [Forum # 57], on the
Message Base, Topic 10 "FANS", starting with message
# 10603 . RIF is distributed as a post on Prodigy in both
the Games BB and the Arts BB and on GEnie in the Borg Club
subject. On NVN, RIF is available for downloading from the
Science Fiction File Library.
   We are in the process of getting this newsletter and the
Borg Club on FidoNet and other national and local
electronic BBS networks. If anyone has any feedback about
this, please contact either Kym or Marian. We have compiled
quite a few national and area BBS number listings and we
could probably find you a local BBS which might be carrying
the Star Trek echos of a network or even have their own
local board. Ask and we will help you.
   Members who wish information on how to enroll into GEnie
and get a copy of Aladdin, a freeware managing program for
GEnie; OR how to enroll into Prodigy and get a copy of a
shareware managing program for Prodigy; OR how to enroll
and navigate around NVN, please contact Kym Masera Taborn
(GEnie:K.Taborn/Prodigy:HCMH17A/NVN:Ktaborn/InterNet:
[e-mail]/FidoNet:Oxnardus 197 @1:206/2513
//VirtualNet: Oxnardus 197 @1805020/WWIVNet:Oxnardus 115

PRODIGY(R) interactive personal service         08/01/93         2:09 AM

@8500/AnarchyNet:Oxnardus) or Marian Samuels (Prodigy:
NRCR88A/GEnie:M.Samuels1/NVN:Msamuels).
             ==============================
             PUBLISHING & COPYRIGHT NOTICES
             ==============================
   RESISTANCE IS FUTILE ("RIF") is published and edited by
Kym Masera Taborn (GEnie:K.Taborn/Prodigy:HCMH17A/NVN:
Ktaborn/InterNet:[e-mail]/FidoNet:Oxnardus
197@1:206/2513 //VirtualNet:Oxnardus 197 @1805020/WWIVNet:
Oxnardus 115 @8500/AnarchyNet:Oxnardus)and Marian Samuels
(GEnie:M.Samuels1/ Prodigy:NRCR88A/NVN:Msamuels) for
distribution on various national electronic services and
local electronic BBS echos.
   COPYRIGHT NOTICES: "RIF" acknowledges that Paramount
Pictures and its various subsidiaries as having the sole
rights to the Star Trek trademark. "RIF" has no intention
to infringe upon that copyright or earn profit from this
(continued page twelve)

RESISTANCE IS FUTILE, Page twelve    No. 11    August 1993
publication. It is distributed free of charge. "RIF" also
acknowledges the Prodigy Services, General Electric, and
NVN copyrights. This newsletter may be distributed by
anyone if kept intact and not altered in anyway. Consider
it shareware publishing! Resistance is Futile, copyright
(c) 1993 by Kym Masera Taborn and Marian Lee Samuels.
            =================================
            SOLICITATIONS FOR NEXT NEWSLETTER
            =================================
   The next Resistance is Futile will be released on or
about September 1, 1993 (yeah, right!). Send submissions to
Kym Masera Taborn (GEnie:K.Taborn/Prodigy:HCMH17A/ NVN:
Ktaborn/InterNet:[e-mail]/FidoNet:Oxnardus
197 @1:206/2513// VirtualNet: Oxnardus 197 @1805020/
WWIVNet: Oxnardus 115 @8500/ AnarchyNet:Oxnardus) OR Marian
Samuels (GEnie:M.Samuels1/Prodigy: NRCR88A/NVN:Msamuels).
"RIF" is a non-profit fan publication. All submissions for
publication should be sent to the editors. The editors
retain editorial control and reprint privileges over the
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materials will not be returned to the sender.
            ============================
            BACK ISSUES OF RIF AVAILABLE
            ============================
   Missing an issue? Used your RIF for a place mat or
coaster one time too many? Just e-mail Kym Masera Taborn
(GEnie:K.Taborn/ Prodigy:HCMH17A/NVN:Ktaborn/InterNet:
[e-mail]/FidoNet:Oxnardus 197 @1:206/2513//
VirtualNet: Oxnardus 197 @1805020/ WWIVNet:Oxnardus 115
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issue will be replaced. Please indicate which issue you
desire.  At this time, the issues available are numbers 1
(May 1992) through 11 (August 1993).

----THE END ----
4:44AM  8/9/93

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    * |  E  ______    |   *\____     ____/  *|     ________/
    * |  S |******|   |    ****|     |***   *| F  |********
    * |  I |     *|   |       *|     |      *| U  |____
    * |  S ~~~~~~~  /         *|  I  |      *| T       \
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    * |  A |*** \    \        *|     |      *| L  |***
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    * |  C |      * \    \/               \ *|    |
    * \__E_/        * \___/______________/  *\____/
      *****          **** **************     *****
                          P.O. Box 7822
                        Oxnard, CA 93031

THE OFFICIAL ORGAN OF THE GALACTIC BORG CONSCIOUSNESS
 ISSUE NUMBER 12
 September 1993

RESISTANCE IS FUTILE ("RIF") is published and edited by Kym
 Masera Taborn (Oxnardus) and Marian Samuels (Radioactivus) for
 distribution on various national electronic services and local
 electronic BBS echos. Address listings, copyright notices, editor
 notices, and information on back issues are printed at the end of
 this newsletter. All correspondence should be sent by e-mail to
 Oxnardus or Radioactivus (addresses given at end of newsletter)
 or mailed to "Resistance is Futile", P.O. Box 7822, Oxnard, CA
 93031.

=========
 CONTENTS
 =========
 You Will Be Assimilated: "The Proper Method to Watch Borg
                          Episodes"
 Various Opening Lines Heard in Borg Bars
 Advertisement: Borg Blues Club
 From One Side
 Star Trek: The Next (de)Generation: Where No Sane Man Would Go,
          Part 2
 Wubba Woom: The Further Adventures of Dr. Anna Freud, Space
          Psycho-Analyst
 RIF BBS Up and Running!
 Borg Comicography: "The Worst of Both Worlds: And Death Shall
          Have No Dominion"
 Editorial Notices
 Copyright Notices
 Solicitations for next newsletter
 Back issues of RIF available
 Addresses of contributors


=======================
 YOU WILL BE ASSIMILATED
 =======================
 A Monthly Primer for the Borg Collective
 by Swannox of Borg

"The Proper Method to Watch Borg Episodes"

   First and foremost, you should be able to identify the
 episodes that the Borg are featured in:
          Q Who?
          Best of Both Worlds pt. 1
          Best of Both Worlds pt. 2
          I, Borg
          Descent pt. 1
          Descent pt. 2 (Upcoming in the 7th season)
   When watching a Borg episode, one should have the VCR set up,
 This is stressed.
   Now that you have your viewing list, you need a Checklist:
          1.  Chex-Mix:       Preferred Snack of the Borg
          2.  Pizza:          Preferred Food of Borg
          3.  Dove Bar:       Preferred Junkfood of Borg
          4.  Jolt Cola:      This Cola is outlawed in SECTOR
                              001, however the following will
                              service: Coke, Pepsi, Mt. Dew, Dr.
                              Pepper, RC Cola, etc. etc.
               (CRYSTAL PEPSI IS NOT A BORG COLA)
          5.  Combinations of the above are encouraged.
   If the above materials are not available for your
 assimilation, Swannox suggests that TACO BELL be assimilated for
 your needs.  Swannox also suggests that if the above materials
 are available, assimilate Taco Bell anyway.
   When watching the episodes, play games with your friends. Such
 Borg favorites are:
          1.   SHOULD PICARD TAKE GUINEN'S ADVICE:
               (here is an example from 'Q Who?'-- Picard asks
               Guinen what she knows about this sector, she says
               "If I was you, I would turn back now"
                    Should Picard:
                         A:   Turn Back (now)
                         B:   Explore the sector
               The answer is A: Turn Back (now). However, Picard
               took B: and look what happened.
          2.   TECHNOLOGY OR RAW MATERIAL?
          3.   IS HE LOCUTUS OR IS HE PICARD?
 These are just some of the fun games you can play while watching
 these episodes.
   Another Fun thing to do while watching Borg Episodes is to
 count how many Feds bite the dust. Example:
               Best of Both Worlds pt. 2
                    Borg:  1 Cube
                    Feds:  ENTIRE STARFLEET
   If you really are looking to have a good time, after the
 episode, Try to sit down with your friends and look for that
 Hidden Message in the episode that will make up better people.
 Example:
          Descent pt. 1
          Message (this is three of many):
               Androids can get angry, but's it's OK.
               Families should stick together (Data/Lore)
               If your not a star of the show, you get killed

   That Concludes this month's edition of YOU WILL BE
 ASSIMILATED.  Next Month: Why to much Sleep and Eating too much
 can kill you!


========================================
 VARIOUS OPENING LINES HEARD IN BORG BARS
 ========================================
 Be vewy vewy qwiet...I'm assimiwating humans. Heh eh heh eh.
          Elmer Fuddus of Borg
 You remember Picard, I assimilated em'. Hooooo!!!
          Andrew Dice Clayus of Borg
 Prepare to be assim...assim...assim...assim...I'm taking over.
          Porky Pigus of Borg
 Assimilate my shorts.
          Bart Simpsonus of Borg
 Eat my Assimilation man
          Bart Simpsonus of Borg
 Prepare to be assimilated. But we do have some awfully nice
 parting gifts for you.
          Wink Martindalus of Borg
 No, I'm sorry, the correct question is, "What is assimilation?".
          Alex Trebekus of Borg
 Ok boys and girls, after we get assimilated, we'll play with our
 magic nose goblins
          Stimpyus of Borg
 Well, after assimilation, we'd like to promote world peace and
 work with the needy children of the world.
          Miss Americus of Borg
 This is your brain. This is your brain on assimilation. Any
 questions?
          Anti-Drug Commercialus of Borg
 Assimilating! Surprise! Surprise! Surprise!
          Gomerus of Borg
 Ya gotta know it, those thousand points of assimilation...
          George Bushus of Borg
 Read our lips: NO MORE ASSIMILATION!
          George Bushus of Borg
 I love you, you love me, were all an assimilated family
          Barneyus of Borg
 Prepare to be asmilmated.
          Dan Quaylus of Borg
 We come to Assim' you up!
          Hansus and Franzus of Borg
 We gotta Assim it Andy, Assimilate it right in the bud
          Barney Fifus of Borg
 Rattle and Assimilate...
          U2us of Borg
 Stand in the cube where you assimilate...
          REMus of Borg
 Losing my assimilation...
          REMus of Borg
 Got a pocket full of Assimilate
          Spin Doctorus of Borg
 And if ya wanna assimilate, just go ahead now..
          Spin Doctorus if Borg
 Now you're assimilating with POWER!
          Nintendous of Borg
 I'm a material Borg, Living in a material cube, assimilate...
          Borgdonna
 Assimilation is Cool..e ebhheeh ehehehe eehh  heh
          Beavus of Borg
 Prepare to be assim....,OOOOO! Doughnuts!
          Homer Simpsonus of Borg
 It's just you and me, kid.  Prepare to be assimilated.
          Humphrey Borgartus of Borg

Adapted from the taglines of Chatworthus of Borg and Analog the
 ADOERRed.


=============
 ADVERTISEMENT
 =============
 BLUES CLUB:

THIS MONTH AT THE BORG BLUES CLUB, IT'S COLLEGE FOOTBALL MADNESS.
 THE SEASON IS UPON US AND TO CELEBRATE, THE BORG BLUES CLUB WILL
 FEATURE SPECIALS ON THE MENU.  DON'T FORGET TO VISIT THE SPORTS
 MANIA ROOM, FEATURING MONITORS ON EVERY TEAM THAT PLAYS SPORTS,
 NOT TO MENTION THE ALL EVER IMPRESSIVE SIX HUNDRED FEET
 WIDESCREEN TV (LOCKED ON MARSHALL FOOTBALL) WITH SURROUNDULATION
 SOUND.  THE CHAMPIONSHIP BANNERS ARE HANGING (P.Swann's Marshall
 University 1992 1-AA Football Champions, & Kate Von Mayr's
 SuperBowl Banner for Dallas) THE CHEX MIX IS READY, AND THE BLUE
 HEAVEN IS ON TAP. THIS WILL BE THE PLACE IN THE COLLECTIVE WHEN
 THE FIRST KICKOFF TAKES PLACE.  THE BORG BLUES CLUB, THE
 COLLECTIVES PREMIERE NIGHTSPOT.
 --Swannox


=============
 FROM ONE SIDE
 =============
 by Ti'nae Seyan
   This month, From One Side has a special treat. The author has
 taken the liberty of stepping up to Chatsworthus of Borg (GEnie:
 R.FELDMAN) and asking for an interview.  With the green light
 from "Chats" glaring at my face, I proceeded with the following
 interview.
   TI'NAE: How long have you been a Borg?  (i.e., when were you
 assimilated?)
   CHATWORTHUS: Assimilation occurred approximately one week
 after I'd gotten my first online service; that'd put it around
 April of '92, we believe. I'd (note use of pronoun - we were not
 of the collective yet) read a note from Oxnardus of Borg, and
 wrote to her asking if her name had anything to do with a city in
 California about 1/2 hour's drive from us.  She wrote back a VERY
 funny reply. Little did I know that fateful day that we were soon
 to be assimilated..... (and yes, that unit does live in Oxnard
 CA). That's basically how we took on our Borg name - We live in
 Chatsworth CA!
   TI'NAE: Was this the first cube you were brought to?  Are you
 in connection with any other cubes (cubes=online services)?
   CHATS: Our first cube was in the Fraudigy Quadrant, where we
 spent many happy hours watching the pretty ads develop. Remember
 the Volkswagen one? And the Unrolling Red Carpet one? And the
 others that took so d*mn long to finish? We've SEVERED completely
 our connecting cables to that quadrant as of 4/21, and have no
 regrets whatsoever.  Richard Potthoff (GEnie:R.POTTHOFF1)
 extended the implant of guidance and friendship, and informed
 this unit of the land of Djinn. We'll be eternally grateful to
 the Potthoff unit for this!!!
   TI'NAE: Can you describe what it felt like to be assimilated,
 for you specifically?
   CHATS: This unit thoroughly enjoyed the process of
 assimilation! AS it was accomplished by the incredibly
 knowledgeable (and btw, funny) Oxnardus unit, we began to
 understand, and appreciate, all of the many advantages of the
 process. Do you know that she was giving out four- or five-
 passenger cube scooters and free salad-shooter implants?  Why,
 the mere existence of Jiffy Cubes so conveniently located in each
 quadrant makes Borgdom a fantastic experience!!! We can get lubed
 and tuned ANYWHERE! Let us not forget the CONSTANT supply of
 Pizza and Cola of individual unit's choice!  Ah yes...the Cola
 Wars...we remember them a bit fuzzily...<G>
   TI'NAE: Do you ever wish to become human?
   CHATS: Absolutely NOT! WHY would we POSSIBLY want to lose this
 nifty can opener implant with attached Pizza cutter?!?!?!!?
 (Sheesh.  What a dumb question! G)
   TI'NAE: Approximately how many beings have you had a part in
 assimilating?
   CHATS: This unit is not a prolific assimilator; it has only
 directly assimilated six units whom it is willing to ADMIT to!
 <GGG>  This unit prefers interaction with units already of Borg,
 and desires to let the "glibber" units go from cube to cu....
 er.... door to door to obtain "New Pennzoil tm" as it were....
 This unit's specialty is making new units, ESPECIALLY female new
 units, feel welcome!
   TI'NAE: How many languages can you speak?  How many fluently?
 Which ones?
   CHATS: The Chatsworthus unit speaks English.  It is also
 capable of conversing somewhat in Espanol, and has just about
 totally given up on La Francais.  (Try answering this one in
 straight text mode...sigh.  No Tildes in proper position, and no
 Cedille in Fran_C_ais....bleah.)  However, this unit IS
 thoroughly familiar with the lovemaking customs of over six
 million world, and offers free tutoring to those females who are
 of the "legal age" for whatever quadrant we happen to be in.

   I hope everyone enjoyed the interview, especially those who
 are not Borg but have a green card and/or resident alien status.
 Being Bajoran, I know it gave me some fascinating insight into
 Borg life!
   The author regrets "From One Side" not appearing in the most
 recent RIF newsletter.  While I was on vacation, the publication
 date was changed, and I did not know until I got back.
   Stay tuned until next time!


==================================
 STAR TREK: THE NEXT (de)GENERATION
 WHERE NO SANE MAN WOULD GO
 ==================================
 Original source and author unknown.
 Contributed by Dragon and reprinted from ZenTrek (AnarchyNet Sub
 moderated by Oxnardus of Borg

                     PART TWO OF SIX PARTS:

Captain's Log, Supplemental:
   I've given up on stardates.  It's probably meaningless,
 anyway.  My ship is in total chaos.  Utterly impossible things
 are happening all over the ship, seemingly defying all the known
 laws of physics, or even common sense, the holodeck
 notwithstanding.  It's like a nightmare.

Picard:   Riker, you're smirking again.
 Riker:    Sorry, sir, but this is all so amusing.
 Picard:   I find nothing amusing about it.  You can't run a
          starship with chaos running rampant.  I didn't get
          where I am today by letting chaos run rampant.
 Leonard Rossiter:   Of course not, C.J.
 Riker:    Where did he come from?
 Data:     I believe it is a reference to a old British
          entertainment series.
 Picard:   Good God!  Everyone's being infected.  Even me!
 Ceiling:  Sir, this is Chief Engineer Smedley X. Dinklephwat.
          The toilets have just backed up into the warp drive.
          It'll take time to clear.
 Picard:   WHAT!!?????
 Ceiling:  In the meantime, we have...... *No Power!*
 Picard:   [Rhetorically]
          This is unbelievable.
 Ceiling:  And the fire sprinklers are still running.  We're
          working on it.

[ Pshhhhhh.  The turbolift doors open to reveal a rotund penguin
 and a rather dilapidated tabby cat. ]

Penguin:  [Approaching Picard] How do you do.  I'm Mr. P. Opus.
          George Bush is a wimp.  I'd like you to meet my running
          mate, Bill the Cat.
 Bill:     Ack!  Phft!!

[ Pshhhhhh.  Wesley enters from the other turbolift. ]

Wesley:   Sorry, sir.  They got loose from the holodeck.  It's
          going absolutely berserk.  Tasha even walked out and
          handed me an old pulp-paper publication entitled
          'Playboy'.
 Data:     Is she still there?
 Wesley:   Dunno.  Why don't you go look?

[ Data gets up to leave. ]

Picard:   AS YOU WERE, MR. DATA!
 Data:     But sir....

[ Pshhhhhhh.  The Robot enters. ]

Robot:    [Flailing arms] DANGER!  DANGER!  WARNING!  DANGER!
          WARNING WILL ROBINSON! DANGER!
 Picard:   Why are you yelling that?
 Robot:    I don't know.  It seems appropriate somehow.

[ PFFT!  The main viewer changes to reveal a remotely human and
 quite boorish man. ]

Viewer1:  TV...  or MTV?

[PFFT!  Same thing, only female this time.]

Viewer2:  TV...  or MTV?
 Picard:   [In a perfect Graham Chapman twang] WHAT IS GOING
          ON!!?????
 Data:     We appear to be intercepting some old Earth
          transmissions, sir.

[ Pshhhhh.  Will Robinson enters. ]

Robot:    DANGER WILL ROBINSON.
 Will:     What is it, Robot?
 Robot:    Unknown intelligence nearby.  Danger!

[ Pshhhhhh.  Dr. Smith enters.  Picard is fuming. ]

Smith:    There you are, you bubble-headed booby!  I have chores
          for you.
 Robot:    DANGER!  DANGER!

[ Dr. Smith unplugs the Robot's power pack. ]

Smith:    That'll teach you to talk back, you tin-plated bathtub!
 Picard:   [Smoke pouring out of his ears] EVERYONE GET OFF MY
          BRIDGE!!!!
 Riker:    Aye, sir.
 Picard:   NOT **YOU!!**
 Ceiling:  Captain, this is Chief Engineer Ernie R. Ferretface.
          We're up to our waists here with water from the fire
          sprinklers. Some of the waterproof components are
          starting to rust.
 Smith:    [At ceiling] You incompetent ninny!  Where did you
          study engineering?
 Ceiling:  I sent in a bunch of Cheerios boxtops and......
 Picard:   OUT!!!  OUT!!!  OUTOUTOUTOUTOUTOUTOUT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
 Riker:    Yes sir.
 Picard:   NOT ****YOU!!!!****

[ The bridge is cleared of all non-starfleet personnel.  Picard
 sits down, ready to spit venom. ]

Troi:     I sense great frustration, sir.
 Picard:   No sh*t, Sherlock.
 Troi:     You mustn't blame yourself, sir.  You are not at fault.
          Some greater force is at work.
 Picard:   Shut up, Wesley.
 Troi:     Huh?
 Picard:   [At ceiling] Bridge to Medical Bay.  Doctor.....
 Ceiling:  This is the Medical Bay.  All our lines are busy.
          Please hold. Your call will be answered in the order it
          was received. [Muzak]

[ Riker smirks. ]

Picard:   Computer!!!
 Computer: Hi there!  Whatever your problem, I'm here to help you
          solve it.  All I want to do is to make your day more
          and more bearable.

[ Picard is stunned rigid.  He ambles in a daze over to his ready
 room. ]

Door:     [Pshhhhhh]  Thank you for making a simple door very
          happy.

CUT TO PICARD'S READY ROOM/OFFICE (you know, the room with the
 tropical fish in it).  PICARD IS SEATED AT HIS DESK, UTTERLY
 DUMBFOUNDED.  RIKER ENTERS.

Door:     [Pshhhhh]  Glad to be of service.
 Riker:    Shut up.  [To Picard]  Sir, are you all right?
 Picard:   I've lost control.
 Riker:    Sir, I don't know what's going on.
 Picard:   So what else is new?
 Riker:    There's no need to be abusive, sir.
 Picard:   It makes me feel better, Number One.
 Riker:    Sir, there has to be some external force at work.  All
          this chaos couldn't happen naturally.  I mean,
          everyone's acting so stupid...

[ You can almost see the light go on above Picard's head. ]

Picard:   STUPID!  That's IT!!  Counselor Troi mentioned
          something about stupidity just before all hell broke
          loose.  Where is she?
 Riker:    Last I saw, sir, she left for Yar's quarters to pick
          out a new costume for herself.
 Picard:   Let's go.  [They get up.]
 Door:     [Pshhhhh]  Thank you so very much.
 Picard:   Stick it up your nose.  [To Data]  Data, come with me.
          Tsu, you have the con.
 Tsu:      Oh, thank you thank you thank you!

[ They enter the turbolift. ]

Picard:   Lieutenant Yar's quarters.
 Turbolift:I'm fine; how are you?
 Picard:   I said, Lieutenant Yar's quarters.
 Turbolift:I'm fine; how are you?
 Picard:   Now what!?
 Data:     Sir, I believe I can resolve the situation.
 Riker:    Go for it.
 Data:     Elevator, this is Lieutenant Commander Data.  If you
          don't take us to Yar's quarters pretty d*mn pronto, I
          shall go straight to your major databank with a very
          large axe and give you a reprogramming you will never
          forget.  Understand?

[ Silence. ]

Data:     Okay.  Get the axe.

[ The elevator starts on its journey to Yar's quarters.  Picard
 and Riker eye Data quizzically. ]

Data:     A literary reference, sir.  Given the current
          situation, it seemed appropriate.

[ The door opens, and they exit. ]

CUT TO YAR'S STATEROOM.  PICARD, RIKER, AND DATA ENTER.
 Picard:   Counselor Troi!  Where are you?

[ Troi emerges from the bedroom wearing the same getup that Yar
 wore for Data. ]

Troi:     Hello, Umzadi.
 Riker:    Troi!  Uh....
 Troi:     I sense great desire...
 Picard:   Good God!  Troi's been affected, too.
 Data:     Rather well, it would seem.
 Riker:    Sir, if you don't mind.....
 Picard:   Oh, go ahead.  You're no use to me, anyway.  Go do
          something productive for a change.
 Riker:    Aye, sir.

[ Riker smirks, and then retires to the bedroom with Troi.
 Picard and Data enter the hallway. ]

Picard:   Now what do we do?
 Data:     If I may recommend, sir.  Since all the trouble began
          with the arrival of the Robinson family, it would seem
          prudent to question them.
 Picard:   Excellent suggestion, Mr. Data.  Let's get some
          answers.

[ Fade to black.  Large boxes of anti-acne medicine fall on
 people, followed by a surrealistic Pepsi commercial.  K-Tel
 offers you every Top 10 hit ever made.  Trained professionals
 demonstrate a Popiell Pocket Fisherman, since no normal human
 could use them; and a banana slug tries to sell you a used car. ]

TO BE CONTINUED NEXT MONTH!!!!!


==========
 WUBBA WOOM
 ==========
 The Further Adventures of Dr. Anna Freud,
 Space Psycho-Analyst

Dr. Freud put up her "OPEN" sign in anticipation of all her new
 clients after Prodigy's AND GEnie's new rate changes...lot's of
 aggression, frustration and confusion out there. That meant more
 clients and with a broader client base, Dr. Freud could start
 that late night subspace talk show she had always wanted....
 ---Oxnardus

Dr. Freud
 Can you help me?  We woke up one day with all these tubes on us
 and all alone.  We don't know where the others are and how this
 nifty salad shooter attachment on my hand came from.
 Swanardus or is it Tabornox?
 --Swannox

"Cwazy.....cwazy for feewing so wonewee........" a vibrating
 voice sang from the crowd, "cwazy.....cwazy for feewing so bwue."
 a small, bald-headed man stepped forward and looked at Dr. Freud
 with beady eyes.  Then he laughed...."hehehehe.........."
 Elmer Fudd
 --Tricius

Swanardus or whatever,
 Yes, I can help. Will you be paying by cash, check, or Locutus
 Card?
 Dr. Anna Freud
 A Professional
 --Oxnardus

"Elmer!" cried Anna. "Elmer! It's been so long. Please come into
 my private waiting area. I have a new rabbit therapy I want to
 try out on just you!!!!" Anna could hardly contain herself from
 squealing.
 ---Oxnardus

"Scwewy wabbit!"  Elmer said, then scampered after the doctor,
 holding his trusty cork gun.
 Elmer, has a thang for animals
 ---Tricius

"No, no, Elmer!" screamed Anna diving for cover, "I'm not the
 rabbit!!!"
 ---Oxnardus

Locutus card of course.
 We also have these urges to assimilate the whole universe and
 make them all like myself.  Is that OK?
 Swannnardus
 --Swannox

A little bald man runs by suddenly and shoots the borg thang with
 his cork gun.  "I'LL GET YOU, YOU WASKALLY WABBIT!" Elmer says.
 Swannardus can see Glinda the good witch peaking around the
 corner, holding a decoy energizer bunny.  She lets it go and
 shouts, "RUN, TIN MAN, RUN! BEFORE THE LITTLE PEOPLE REVOLT!"
 ---Tricius

Dr. Freud got out her Locutus Card machine and grabbed Swanny's
 card. After giving Swannox the carbons, she sat him down on the
 couch, turned on her meter and said, "Of course it's alright to
 want to make everyone like you. You're a borg for goodness sake!"
 ---Oxnardus

DUCK SEASON!!
 Just a Visiting Borg
 --Swannox

BORG SEASON!!!!
 Daffy Duck & you're DITHSPICABLE!!
 --Tricius

DUCK SEASON!
 YOU WILL SERVICE, ER WILL BE SERVED AS DINNER FOR BORG
 Visiting Borg
 ---Swannox

BORG SEASON!!!
 Daffy.  Your momma was a toaster and your father smelled of
 elderberries!
 --Tricius


"BORG SEASON!" Daffy yells again, his bill looking as if it may
 fall off at any time.  Elmer comes skidding around the corner and
 fires his cork gun........it bounces off the borg with a
 deafening...."PING". Elmer Fudd didn't know there was a frequency
 setting for cork guns. Darn contraptioned feller must of had his
 shields up.
 ---Tricius

ROTFL!!!!!!!!!
 --Swannox (can't come back with a reply for you)

Elmer Fudd stood there in silence staring at this oddly
 contraptioned feller and thought, "Hmmm....doesn't say much, does
 he?  Maybe the poor thing's trying to communicate and all he knew
 was 'Duck Season'."  Elmer pulled up his loose pants, hefted his
 dangerous weapon over one shoulder, and asked,  "Say, do you know
 Marvin The Martian?"  He squinted up at the borg and looked for
 signs of intelligence.
 ---Tricius

The Borg looked at the funny looking man, wondering, does he have
 raw materials and technology.  Realizing that he doesn't, we
 answer "No, however we do know Duck Dodgers." The Borg then
 looked at the funny little man again and says "Hey, YOU'RE
 LOCUTUS OF BORG AREN'T YOU!"  The Borg sees that the funny little
 man, having Picard's Bald head, small body and big ears looks
 baffled.  "Come with me, you soon will be with the others again!
 ---Swannox

A sort of skittering little sound comes from around the corner as
 a little man dressed in black with a broom on his head appears
 and points a strange looking weapon at the borg.  "Unhand that
 Fudd, you puny borgling!"  says Marvin. "Then stand still while I
 shoot you with my dissentigrator ray."
 --Tricius

A big white cold creature runs up to Marvin. "At last," he says,
 grabbing the broom-headed guy and cradling him in his arms, "my
 very own martian. I've never had my very own martian before." He
 squeezes him tightly, "I will hug him and squeeze him and call
 him George."
 --Radioactivus


=========================
 RIF BBS UP AND RUNNING!!!
 =========================
   Resistance is Futile now has it's own BBS. It is not public
 yet, but anyone who would like access can contact Oxnardus for
 registration.
   RIF BBS is the new home for "Resistance is Futile". It has QWK
 Mail and the following boards: General Discussion Areas, Borg
 Club, Order of Canopus (RPG), Star Trek Anonymous, ANSI Artwork,
 Shareware Discussion, Writers Discussion, Star Trek Reviews, Star
 Trek Promos, Star Trek Spoilers, Star Trek Rumors, and a private
 e-mail area. At press time, the BBS had 17 active users. It also
 runs VGA Planets games (a ST universe game played off-line, but
 with turns processed by the BBS computer). In the works is an on-
 line ST Trivia game as well. Destined to go public within a year
 and to be THE depository for Star Trek related PC computer files
 for northern Southern California, RIF BBS started on July 27,
 1993. Since then it has been averaging 4 calls per day!! All RIFs
 are available from the download areas, so if you ever get off a
 service and want your RIF, just phone up RIF BBS for your latest
 RIF. Currently, the board is in construction, but hopefully
 within three months there will be over 25 Megs of Star Trek
 related files and games available for downloading, not to mention
 On-Line Star Trek and Trivia games.


=================
 BORG COMICOGRAPHY
 =================
 by Swannox of Borg

"The Worst of Both Worlds: "And Death Shall Have No Dominion""
   Part four of four parts
   STAR TREK: THE NEXT GENERATION, No. 50 (September 1993).
 Double-sized special issue. DC Comics. Writer: Michael Jan
 Freidman. Penciller: Peter Krause. Inker: Pablo Marcos. Letterer:
 Bob Pinaha. Colorist: Julianna Ferriter. Editor: Alan Gold.
   CHARACTERS (identified in text): Picard, Data, Riker, Troi,
 Bev Crusher, Worf, Geordi. Alternative Universe: Riker, Worf,
 Geordi, Shelby, O'Brien, Wesley Crusher, Locutus.
   SYNOPSIS: The most striking feature of this issue is the
 beautiful cover art. Instead of using the gimmick cover route, DC
 decided to feature a very beautiful painting for the cover.  The
 quality of this cover would be worthy of hanging up on your wall,
 and it is very reminiscent of some of the better covers on the
 Pocket Book series of novels.  Never before has a Borg Vessel
 been drawn to give the emotion of such cold unrelentlessness.
   The story continues from part three of the Best of Both Worlds
 storyline. It is titled "And Death Shall Have No Dominion" and is
 the fourth and final part of the borg series. It begins where we
 left off in part three. As a brief refresher, a landing party
 made it's way through Starfleet HQ, which had become a Borg
 Conversion Facility. Right before the beam out, a Borg struck one
 of the two Worfs. Starting in part four, Riker and Picard are in
 the middle of the fire fight and about to be over run when Geordi
 2 (the 2 will replace the AU designation for alternative
 universe) finally gets the Enterprise 2's transporters working
 again. The crew discovers that Worf 2 was the fallen comrade
 (like we couldn't guess!--ed.).  While Riker 2 is grieving,
 Worf insists that Worf 2 finally redeemed himself through his
 death and that he received his death like a Klingon. Worf then
 performs the Klingon Death Ceremony.
   The Enterprise Crew then begin to work on Locutus 2 aboard the
 Enterprise 2.  After briefly explaining what they will do to
 Locutus 2, Riker 2 pulls Riker to the side, and requests that he
 come with him to the battle bridge, because Riker 2 wants someone
 who has an understanding of his mind, and battle experience, and
 he feels that Riker is perfect, since he is after all, almost
 the same person. In a similar scene to the one featured in the
 ST:TNG TV episode "Best of Both Worlds pt 2" the crew (O'Brien,
 Ro, Data, Picard, Geordi, Geordi 2, Beverly and a few no names)
 begin to access the Borg Collective through the Data hookup.
   The most disappointing part of this storyline was the fact
 that each character has to re-explain what they were doing,
 except for Picard, who gives insight into what Locutus 2 must be
 feeling.  Shelby 2 provided a nice interruption in the story as
 she followed the Borg Cube and fired upon it trying to lure it
 away from the Enterprise 2 and Locutus 2. Chief O'Brien is the
 only character that seems to not be just a clone retracing his
 steps from the TV episode in this scene. He warns Data about the
 Arm of Locutus 2.  It's soon discovered that the Borg Mind Net in
 this alternative universe is different, the Sleep Command is
 Protected (reviewers note: they must have got that memo Oxnardus
 sent out) and Picard is hitting himself in the head.
   While trying to figure out what to do and dodging the Borg
 assaults to the ship, Locutus reminds the crew "You continue to
 resist...But Resistance is Futile." Around this time, Shelby
 takes a powder from the battle and heads for Earth, leaving Riker
 2 and the Enterprise 2 helpless. Wesley 2 starts to have second
 thoughts and believing that his mother is still alive, and
 Beverly believes that they can win, he heads the ship back toward
 the battle.
   Shelby decides to take a phaser to Mr Crusher 2 and O'Brien 2
 decides to introduce Shelby 2 to a phaser of his own (get that?).
 Feeling it's better to avoid something they regret, O'Brien 2
 and Wesley 2 start there way back to the battle.  The 2 Rikers in
 an attempt to buy time, launch shuttles at the Borg and then
 destroy them when the shuttles hit the subspace field with phaser
 fire, which works for a moment, then the Enterprise 2 is caught
 in a tractor beam and the cutting ray begins it's work.
   The next few panels show crew members being dragged into the
 vacuum of space. The Enterprise then rejoins the battle, catching
 the Borg by surprise and inflicting damage.  By this time, Picard
 finally discovers how to trigger Locutus 2's emotions and the
 word Eat comes from Locutus 2, after that a complete powerdown is
 recorded and the Borg have froze to death from the cold of space
 due to lack of power to protect themselves or even to self
 destruct.
   Picard explains that he reached his Vulcan part and mentioned
 the name Spock to awaken the emotions that Sarek held for his
 Son. Worf sets to rest Worf 2, Picard and Picard 2 talk, and it
 is revealed that Picard 2 as Locutus 2 opened up the gate in hope
 to find a universe in which the Borg were defeated and in a race
 for time, The Enterprise heads for the portal. Riker 2 and Troi
 visit for a moment while in the Riker family tradition, Riker 2
 tries to seduce Imzadi. Chief O'Brien 2 tries to sneak aboard the
 Enterprise while leaving O'Brien stranded. However O'Brien 2
 comes to his senses. Shelby is put in the brig, and all of this
 takes place in the span of 30 minutes while the Enterprise races
 to make the portal, and they do, then they reflect on what might
 have happened if the portal never was and if they would have been
 as strong. Thus End of "Worst of Both Worlds" and the 50th issue
 celebration of ST:TNG.


=================
 EDITORIAL NOTICES
 =================
   The Borg Club is present on GEnie, Prodigy, NVN and other
 national networks including but not limited to FidoNet,
 VirtualNet, AnarchyNet, BorgNet, and InterNet.

==============================
 COPYRIGHT NOTICES
 ==============================
 "RIF" acknowledges that Paramount Pictures and its various
 subsidiaries as having the sole rights to the Star Trek
 trademark. "RIF" has no intention to infringe upon that copyright
 or earn profit from this publication. It is distributed free of
 charge. "RIF" also acknowledges the Prodigy Services, General
 Electric, and NVN copyrights. This newsletter may be distributed
 by anyone if kept intact and not altered in anyway. Consider it
 shareware publishing! Resistance is Futile, copyright (c) 1993 by
 Kym Masera Taborn and Marian Lee Samuels.

=================================
 SOLICITATIONS FOR NEXT NEWSLETTER
 =================================
 The next Resistance is Futile will be released on or about
 October 1, 1993 (yeah, right!). Send submissions to Kym Masera
 Taborn OR Marian Samuels (addresses below). Submissions must be
 received by September 15, 1993 to be consdiered for inclusion
 into RIF #13. "RIF" is a non-profit fan publication. All
 submissions for publication should be sent to the editors. The
 editors retain editorial control and reprint privileges over the
 submitted materials and reserve the right to use the material in
 whatever way they deem appropriate. Submitted materials will not
 be returned to the sender.

============================
 BACK ISSUES OF RIF AVAILABLE
 ============================
 Missing an issue? Used your RIF for a place mat or coaster one
 time too many? Just send a self-addressed stamped ($.52) business
 sized envelope to RIF BBS, P.O. Box 7822, Oxnard, CA 93031 and
 that abused issue will be replaced. Please indicate which issue
 you desire.  All back issues are available!

=========================
 ADDRESSES OF CONTRIBUTORS
 =========================
 Analog         Genie:A.DOERR2
 Chatworthus    GEnie: R.Feldman
 Dragon:        [SysOp: The Dragon's Realm - (805) 524-DRGN
               (3746)]; AnarchyNet: Dragon @ 42:1005/1203;
               BorgNet: Dragon
 Oxnardus:      GEnie:K.Taborn; Prodigy:HCMH17A; NVN:Ktaborn;
               InterNet: [e-mail]; FidoNet:
               Oxnardus @ 1:206/2513; VirtualNet: 197 @ 1805020;
               WWIVNet: Oxnardus 115 @ 8500; AnarchyNet: Oxnardus
               @ 42:1005/1201; BorgNet: Oxnardus; RIF BBS, P.O.
               Box 7822, Oxnard, CA 93031
 Radioactivus:  Genie:M.Samuels1; Prodigy:NRCR88A; NVN:Msamuels;
               InterNet: [e-mail]; BorgNet:
               Ripley; RIF BBS, P.O. Box 7822, Oxnard, CA 93031
 Swannox:       PRODIGY:HCMH17F; Internet:[e-mail];
               BorgNet: Swannox
 Ti'nae Seyan:  GEnie:STAR
 Tricius:       PRODIGY: HCMH17D




        _____________       ____________      ____________
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    * |  E  ______    |   *\____     ____/  *|     ________/
    * |  S |******|   |    ****|     |***   *| F  |********
    * |  I |     *|   |       *|     |      *| U  |____
    * |  S ~~~~~~~  /         *|  I  |      *| T       \
    * |  T  ____    \         *|  S  |      *| I   ____/
    * |  A |*** \    \        *|     |      *| L  |***
    * |  N |    * \    \   ___*|     |____  *| E  |
    * |  C |      * \    \/               \ *|    |
    * \__E_/        * \___/______________/  *\____/
      *****          **** **************     *****
                          P.O. Box 7822
                        Oxnard, CA 93031
 THE OFFICIAL ORGAN OF THE GALACTIC BORG CONSCIOUSNESS
 ISSUE NUMBER 13
 October 1993

RESISTANCE IS FUTILE ("RIF") is published and edited by Oxnardus
 and Radioactivus for distribution on various national electronic
 services and local electronic BBS echos. Address listings,
 copyright notices, editorial notices, and information on back
 issues are printed at the end of this newsletter. All
 correspondence should be sent by e-mail to Oxnardus or
 Radioactivus (addresses given at end of newsletter) or mailed to
 "Resistance is Futile", P.O. Box 7822, Oxnard, CA 93031.

=========
 CONTENTS
 =========
 You Be Assimilated: The Short Edition
 BetaView
 Billborg Top 10 Music Charts
 Borgmanian Rhapsody
 Partly People: An Exercise in Inanity
 Star Trek: The Next (de)Generation: Where No Sane Man Would Go,
          Part 3
 More Opening Lines Heard At Borg Bars
 Borg: The Series! A Proposal for the 4th Series
 Editorial Notices
 Copyright Notices
 Solicitations for next newsletter
 Back issues of RIF available
 Addresses of contributors

=======================
 YOU WILL BE ASSIMILATED
 =======================
 A Monthly Primer for the Borg Collective
 by Swannox of Borg

The Short Edition
 -----------------
   This Month is going to be very short, however next month will
 make up for it. This unit will let you in on what the next issue
 is going to be and why this issue is not going to be as fantastic
 as the last.
   First off, Kym and Marian have over the year developed a very
 well produced publication, and as a contributer I try to put a
 lot of effort into my submissions, and up to now, I have had the
 time, but with fall comes College.  My time has been limited,
 thus a submission would have been of less than my personal
 standards.
   However, next month is going to be a top notch issue:
 --- Descent Part 2 will have aired, and I will feature a full
 parody of it including how to incorporate the data into your
 every day lives.
 --- Pocket Books has published a trade paperback of Descent, and
 I will have ownership of it by the next publication of RIF, and
 will feature a complete review of the book, plus more parody of
 it!
 --- A Double Review of DS9 Comic 1 and 2.  While 1 have already
 made the shelves, this is a two part story, and I will as a added
 feature incorporate this into either You will be Assimilated,
 and/or a Comicography similar to the Borg Four Part in the Comic
 of Star Trek, The Next Generation.
   These are the projects that I am working on in my limited
 spare time. My on-line Sport Publication also took a hit, and
 Marshall was playing a very good team in 1-AA. (Marshall was #1
 and Georgia Southern #7 at time of this typing) so, I hope that
 you all understand. I would like to have some comments about
 this feature. It might make it easier to put this together, right
 now is easy, this is real life, being creative is a little
 harder.
   However I will not leave you with out some Borgizms:
   Picard must not have recovered fully from the Assimilation in
 Best of Both Worlds, he left the Ship's Doctor in Charge of the
 Ship against the most powerful foe the Federation ever has faced.
 Not unless she is going to beam over a medical bill from that
 repair job she did on Picard.  Let's hope we can adapt to that
 before she starts sending over the Wesley Baby Pictures!
 ---Swannox of Borg: "Solar Flair?"

========
 BETAVIEW
 ========
 Taken over by...Tempta-Q.

  Two Q.. One Convention.. and They Haven't Sued Yet!
  Last Sunday, at the Drawbridge Inn, there was a rather
 dangerous meeting...Tempta-Q, and Qubert, met at the Creation
 Star Trek Con, featuring Marina Sirtis, the lovely CNS Troi.
  At about 2:30, my friends, (Pat and Mike, for those curious
 ones) walked around aimlessly, looking for good 'ol Qubert.
 Having never MET her before, only landlined, the matter was a
 little difficult. As we walked back to the Cup and Chaucer, there
 was a redhead, in a hat, flanked by a rather tall fellow...I
 called out, "Lisa?" wondering if I was truly out of my mind, or
 was right.. I -was-! We hugged, and she showed me pics of "The
 Gang", and what a great gang y'all are! :hugs around:
  We then went into Quirk's for a glass of water, and a pic or
 two. We were assaulted by a large Cardassian, (whom Qubert and I
 fended off easily) and strange looking "hyoo-mans" in funny
 uniforms! We sat around, and then went into the main room.
 Currently in the main room, an auction was going on. This gave
 Qubert and I time to talk about friends, compare Q snaps, (My
 favorite is the double criss-cross snap) and generally have a
 good time. We sat through a Marina Music Video, and finally
 Marina came out.  Marina Sirtis is a great lady, I might say..
 funny, sweet... and honest! Something you don't find in many
 humans. She talked about everything, from, "Is Riker a good
 kisser?" (Yes, but Data has the softest lips) "What's with the
 brainless act?" (You get cleavage, you lose grey matter) and
 "What is your favorite episode?" (The Child).
  We then went shopping in the Dealer's room, where we perused
 useless memorabilia until the line for autographs died down.
 Qubert and I said our goodbyes, and she snapped out of there,
 while I stayed to get an autograph.... :SNAP:
  And that's all she wrote...
 ---Tempta Q

============================
 BILLBORG TOP 10 MUSIC CHARTS
 ============================
 10.  "I Can't Get No Assimilation" by Rolling Stonus of Borg
 9.  "Runaway Cube" by Soul Asylumus of Borg
 8.  "Always Something There to Assimilate Me" by Naked Eyeus of
     Borg
 7.  "Too Much Assimilation" by Duranus Duranus of Borg
 6.  "Dilithium" by Nirvanus of Borg
 5.  "Borgmanian Rhapsody" by Queenus of Borg
 4.  "Assimilation (In the Name of Borg)" by U2us of Borg
 3.  "Little Borg Can't Be Wrong" by Spin Doctorus of Borg
 2.  "Borg in Heaven" by Eric Claptonus of Borg
 1.  "Borg in the U.S.A." by Bruce Springsteenus of Borg
 ---Juvenus of Borg

===================
 BORGMANIAN RHAPSODY
 ===================
 Is this the real life?
 Is this just fantasy?
 Caught in a cube's insides
 No escape from calamity
 Put in your eyes
 Dress up in disguise and flee

I'm just a poor Borg
 I need some circuitry
 Because I'm easy come, easy go
 A little polish and I'll glow
 Anywhere the cube goes
 It doesn't really matter....to me
 Toooo  WE

Oh no, did we explode again?
 Put the sleep command in our heads
 Blew us up while in our beds
 Oh well, Life just must go on
 So I guess we'll pick through what they've thrown away

C'mon, .....didn't mean to steal that guy
 If he's not back with us this time tomorrow
 He'll be gone, he'll be gone
 I guess it doesn't really matter
 This is great
 My power's on
 Sends shivers down my spine
 The party's going all the time
 Good grief, everybody
 I've got to know
 Was the junk food left behind?  Now, tell the truth.

C'mon  <anywhere the cube goes>
 I just wanna fly
 I sometimes wish we'd never had stopped at all
 Dum dum dum dum

I see a little silhouette of a man
 Locutus! Locutus!  Can we make your head glow?
 Photon blast of lightning
 Very very frightening

EEEK!  Grab your bagels!  Grab your bagels!
 Grab your bagels and let's go!
 Let's just gooooooo......

We're just a poor borg
 Nobody likes we
 <They're just some poor borgs from a large family,
 struggling through life like a monstrosity>
 Easy come, easy go, will they let us go?
 <They will not!  NO!  They will not let us go! <repeat>>
 Oh, grab a pizza. Grab a pizza. Grab a pizza and let's go.
 The federation has a wormhole set aside for we, for we,
 For WEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE........

<Heavy guitar stuff>

So they think they can stop us and swat us like flies!
 So they think they can bombard us and leave us behind!
 Oh, Feddies.  Won't you listen to us, Feddies?
 We're just trying to get out
 We're just trying to get right out of here

<more heavy guitar stuff.....then REALLY sad music>

Oh, yeah
 Oh, yeah
 Nothing really matters
 As long as we party
 Nothing really matters, nothing really matters...to weeee...

<sniffle>......anywhere the cube goes........ <GONG!>
 --Tricius of Borg

=============
 PARTLY PEOPLE
 =============
 An Exercise In Inanity

Excuse me, Is this a borg subject?  It said Partly people
 and we only have partly people parts.
 --Swannox

Hey, couldn't help it.  Tricius O' Borg here and was just goofing
 off as usual.   Speaking of which, I thought "RIF" stood for
 "Read It Fast". <okay, so I didn't really.>
 --Tricius, partly 5'7, 125lbs of gleaming party animal....and
 only moderately human....9:25pm

RIF - rare intangible fact
      radically innovative facade
      real-time isolinear-chip functions
      reach inside Frank (yuck)
      rugged individual fun
      rhinoceros is futile
 --Oxnardus

RIF-  Racism is futile
      Rubber International Foundation
      Robots Internal Functions <yuck yuck!>
 --Swannox

Hey, I liked the "real-time isolinear-chip functions", errrr...
 whatever that was.  It almost sounded like we knew what we were
 talking about.
 --Tricius, "Robotic Intelligence Faker"

Swanny-
 Only partly is this a partly people place, but partly because we
 are in the midst of those who are not partly people, but not
 people at all!
 --Tricius, member of the "Paranoid Club" since 1992.

My favorite by far is Robots Internal Functions. Maybe we should
 change the name of the newsletter???
 --Oxnardus, in a panic

How about real-time iso-linear fondue? For the hungry borg.
 --Oxnardus

==================================
 STAR TREK: THE NEXT (de)GENERATION
 WHERE NO SANE MAN WOULD GO
 ==================================
 Original source and author unknown.
 Contributed by Dragon [and reprinted from ZenTrek (AnarchyNet Sub
 moderated by Oxnardus of Borg)

                       PART THREE OF SIX:

PICARD AND DATA ENTER THE LOUNGE WHERE THE ROBINSON FAMILY WAS
 INSTRUCTED TO REMAIN.  EVERYONE, INCLUDING THE ROBOT, IS THERE.

Picard:   Right.  I want some answers, and I want them now.
 Will:     Two plus two is four.
 Mother:   Be quiet, dear.
 Will:     Where's Lassie, mom?
 Mother:   I left that series, dear.
 Picard:   Shut up, all of you, and answer my questions.
 Mr. Robinson:  [To Data]  Are you an android?
 Data:     [Getting upset]  No!  I'm an eggplant!!  WHY DOES
          EVERYBODY ASK ME THAT???  [Starts jumping up and down]
 Picard:   Data!  Why are you getting upset?
 Data:     [Reverting instantly to his normal self]  Getting upset
          is a human trait, and I do try to be more human....
 Picard:   Well, stop it.  [To family]  Now, I want some answers.
          Things on my ship are going bonkers, and I want to know
          why.
 Mr. Robinson:  No idea.
 Mother:   Got me.
 Penny:    Duh....
 Co-Pilot: Let me get back to you on that.
 Robot:    Danger!  Unknown intelligence nearby!
 Smith:    Oh, shut up, you bubble-headed booby!
 Will:     Captain?  I'd like to help if I can.
 Picard:   Oh, great.  Another boy genius.  I should have signed
          onto a trawler or something.
 Data:     I would not discount the boy's offer so quickly,
          Captain.
 Picard:   [Sighs]  Oh, all right.  Tell me how you got all the
          way out here.
 Will:     Well, a long time ago, we left Earth for Alpha
          Centauri.  But our robot malfunctioned, and we were
          thrown off course.  Since then, we've been Lost In
          Space....

[ Stupid music starts up. ]

Picard:   Stop that!  Stop that!  Stop it!

[ Music runs down. ]

Picard:   Please go on.
 Will:     Anyway, everywhere we went, we'd encounter strange
          aliens in bad makeup who were always bent on destroying
          us.  The robot always tried to help, but Dr. Smith
          usually got us into trouble.
 Smith:    [Indignant]  Such gratitude!  And after all the help
          I've rendered...
 Picard:   Shut up!!  [To Will]  So how long have you been out
          here?
 Will:     I don't really know.
 Picard:   Couldn't you ever find your way back to Earth?
 Will:     Oh, we almost did a few times, but something would
          always happen, and we'd get lost again.
 Picard:   What would happen?
 Will:     Oh....  It was usually something stupid, like Dr. Smith
          taking a space walk for no reason, or....
 Picard:   STUPID!  Are you sure?
 Will:     Oh, yeah.  It was always something really dumb.
 Picard:   Thank you.  You *have* been helpful.  [To Data]  Let's
          go.

[ Picard and Data leave the lounge and enter the hall. ]

Picard:   What do you think, Data?
 Data:     Penny is cute....
 Picard:   No no no no!!  What do you think of their story?
 Data:     I do not believe they are directly responsible for the
          situation that is upon us now.  However, I believe that
          whatever has affected them adversely was brought aboard
          when they were beamed over, and is now affecting us.
 Picard:   Speculation?
 Data:     I would surmise that a creature similar to the hate
          creature from The Old Series is at work here, except
          that it generates and feeds on stupidity.
 Picard:   What?  You mean we're reusing a plot device?
 Data:     It has been done before, sir.  If you'll recall in The
          Naked Now...
 Picard:   Yes, yes, I know...
 Data:     This situation seems far more amusing, however...
 Picard:   Never mind your editorial remarks, Data.  How do you
          propose to eliminate this creature?
 Data:     To eliminate it, we must first locate it.
 Picard:   And how do we do that?
 Data:     Are you completely helpless or something?
 Picard:   *Humor* me!
 Data:     It would be logical to assume that the creature is at
          the epicenter of the stupid activity.
 Picard:   The holodeck?
 Data:     A good place to start, sir.
 Comm button:   Captain Picard?  This is Chief Engineer Snidely P.
               Whiplash. We're up to our chests in it now...
 Picard:   Why don't you just beam the water out?
 Comm:     Oh, no, sir.  That's far too obvious.
 Picard:   What are you doing about it?
 Comm:     I've got my best men working on it....

[ In the background: ]
 Man 1:    You numbskull!!  [SLAP!]
 Man 2:    Nyuk nyuk nyuk nyuk!
 Man 1:    And you!  [BONK!]
 Man 2:    Ow!
 Man 3:    Hey, leave him alone!
 Man 1:    Oh, a wise guy...  [TOINK!]

Picard:   Dear God.  Should we set self-destruct?
 Data:     Unadvisable, sir.  It would probably malfunction.  I
          suggest we move to the holodeck as quickly as possible.
          Delay could be fatal.
 Picard:   Agreed.  [Taps comm.]  Computer....
 Computer: Hi there!
 Picard:   [Winces]  Hi.  Sound Red Alert.
 Computer: Sure thing!

[Klaxons and lights start going off.]

Computer: How's that?
 Picard:   Wonderful.  Thank you.  [Glances heavenward.  Taps
          comm. again] Worf!
 Worf:     Sir!
 Picard:   Meet us at holodeck two.  And don't take the
          turbolifts.  Bring Geordi with you.
 Worf:     At once, sir.
 Picard:   Why do you seem unaffected, Worf?
 Worf:     Stupidity is too much like..... *bathing!*
 Picard:   [Shakes head]  Picard out.  Let's go, Data.

[Fade to black.  John McEnroe gets livid about Bic razors, a
 bunch of diseased obnoxious people swill beer, and more banana
 slugs try to sell you Dodge Trucks, Toyota Trucks, and Pontiac
 Gran Prix's.  Highlights of this week's National Enquirer flash
 before you, "For prying idle minds." ]

TO BE CONTINUED NEXT MONTH!!!!!

=====================================
 MORE OPENING LINES HEARD AT BORG BARS
 =====================================
 Hey, Rocky, watch me pull a Picard out of my cube.
           Borgwinkle
 Borgwinkle, that trick always works!
           Rocky the Flying Squirrel
 You remember the Dinosaurs?  We assimilated them.
           Iridium Layer of Borg
 Prepare to be dissimulated.
           Romulus of Borg
 We assimilated Bart's shorts.
           The borg next door whom Bart never mentions
 Learn my Elocution, ma'am.
           Pygmalion of Borg
 Assimilation, Schmassimilation.  Take this little cube; if you
 survive, it'll be a miracle; in either case, remember to credit
 my account.
           Miracle Max of Borg
 The Money or the Borg?
           Borg Dyer
 Do Borg, Don't Borg
           Romper Room of Borg
 Let's get outta here!
           The Borg, avoiding the assimilation of Mother Teresa's
           burden.
 Don't kid yourself, Borg kills.
           Anti-speed commercial on the cube.
 Phh, ph, ph-ph-ph!
           Andy Williams of Borg
 We need a heightened sense of family values!
           Professor Borg Hewson
 We come in Peace!  ...  Eat to kill!
           James T. Kirk of Borg
 Assimilate it, Jim!  I'm a Doctor, not a glutton.
           Leonard McCube
 I wonder what happens if I despin the cosmic subspace medium ...
           Wes (alias Dennis the Menace) of Borg.
 Fire! ... No, not with the dish pointing this way, Wes! ...
           Riker of Borg
 Warp coil about to detonate, ho hum.
           Geordie La Borg
 Play it, Bjorn.
           Joan of Borg
 Who writes these scripts, anyway?
           Borgamount executive
 Add fins!  Add fins!
           Borgamount executive
 A kinder, gentler Borg.
           Failed Presidential Candidate
 What we need are more individual Borgs.
           Obscure MGM spokesperson
 Because gullible kinds want to go.
           The National Assimilator
 Prepare to be Lowest-Common-Denominated.
           Sir Rupert of Borg
 The page three girls rather enhance `The New York Times'
           Sir Rupert of Borg
 (Furiously.)  Don't you dare think for yourself!
           Sir Rupert of Borg
 Just because we stole it, doesn't mean it's not our land!
           Hugh Borgan of Worlds Mining Corporation
 Ours!  All ours!
           Hugh Borgan of Worlds Mining Corporation
 If families weren't torn apart, what would civilisation come to?
           Hugh Borgan of Worlds Mining Corporation
 Traditional values are not negotiable.  Ours, not yours.
           Hugh Borgan of Worlds Mining Corporation
 Assimilate customs and wisdom?  Ptui!
           Hugh Borgan of Worlds Mining Corporation
 Count the stocks and shares (while they last), not the toll on
 human life.
           Junkbondis of Borg
 We're a genius, a sheer genius ...
           Wile E. Cubote
 ---Luxor of Borg

===============================================
 BORG: THE SERIES! A PROPOSAL FOR THE 4TH SERIES
 ===============================================
 Opening:
 Several Borg speaking in unison and monotone:
     "Space: The final frontier. These are the voyages of the
     Borg Collective. Its continuing mission: To destroy strange
     new worlds, to assimilate new life and new civilizations. To
     boldly go where no Borg has gone before!"

The pilot would explain 1) how the Borg got started, 2) how they
 survived through the explosion at sector 001, and 3) what has
 become of Wesley Crusher?]

  "Captain, I see the Borg ship approaching!"
  "Shut up, Wesley."
  "Mom, aren't you worried?"
  "Leave me alone, kid."
  "Sir, aren't you going to do anything?"
  "Bug off, human scum!"

Then a Borg comes, gets Wesley, and leaves everyone else to their
 business...provided that Wesley does return to the Enterprise in
 the first place.

Heck, we could finally learn how they assimilate Trill (an
 ongoing discussion) and Cardassians (how, with those
 protuberances on their faces)! And they do have other Borg as
 enemies, namely the factions of Lore and "Hugh". It would be "The
 Untouchables" in outer space--except the bad guys always win.
 --Mark D. Rabinowitz

==============
 EDITOR NOTICES
 ==============
   The Borg Club is located EVERYWHERE. If you wish to be
 assimilated just ask a local Borg to do so. We are sure they
 would be more than happy to assimilate you quickly and
 painlessly, not to mention take your culture and technology from
 you as well.

=================
 COPYRIGHT NOTICES
 =================
 "RIF" acknowledges that Paramount Pictures and its various
 subsidiaries as having the sole rights to the Star Trek
 trademark. "RIF" has no intention to infringe upon that copyright
 or earn profit from this publication. It is distributed free of
 charge. This newsletter may be distributed by anyone if kept
 intact and not altered in any way. Consider it shareware
 publishing! Resistance is Futile, copyright (c) 1993 by RIF BBS.

=================================
 SOLICITATIONS FOR NEXT NEWSLETTER
 =================================
 The next Resistance is Futile will be released on or about
 November 1, 1993 (yeah, right!). Send submissions to Oxnardus or
 Radioactivus at the addresses notated below. "RIF" is a
 non-profit fan publication. All submissions for publication
 should be sent to the editors. The editors retain editorial
 control and reprint privileges over the submitted materials and
 reserve the right to use the material in whatever way they deem
 appropriate. Submitted materials will not be returned to the
 sender.

============================
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 ============================
 Missing an issue? Used your RIF for a place mat or coaster one
 time too many? Just mail a self-addressed stamped ($.52) business
 sized envelope indicating which issue you'd like to RIF BBS, P.O.
 Box 7822, Onxard, CA 93031 and that abused issue will be
 replaced. At this time, the issues available are numbers 1 (May
 1992) through 14 (October 1993).

=========================
 ADDRESSES OF CONTRIBUTORS
 =========================
 Dragon:        [SysOp: The Dragon's Realm - (805) 524-DRGN
               (3746)]; AnarchyNet: Dragon @ 42:1005/1203; RIF
               BBS: Dragon; RIPCITY: The Dragon
 Juvenus:       VirtualNet: #188 @8054*1
 Luxor:         InterNet:[e-mail]
 Oxnardus:      GEnie:K.Taborn; Prodigy:HCMH17A; InterNet:
               [e-mail]; FidoNet: Oxnardus @
               1:206/2513; VirtualNet: 197 @ 1805020; WWIVNet:
               Oxnardus 115 @ 8500; AnarchyNet: Oxnardus @
               42:1005/1201; RIF BBS: Oxnardus; RIPCITY:
               Oxnardus; RIF BBS, P.O. Box 7822, Oxnard, CA 93031
 M. Rabinowitz: InterNet:[e-mail]
 Radioactivus:  Genie:M.Samuels1; Prodigy:NRCR88A; NVN:Msamuels;
               InterNet: [e-mail]; RIF BBS:
               Ripley; RIPCITY: Ripley; RIF BBS, P.O. Box 7822,
               Oxnard, CA 93031
 Swannox:       PRODIGY:HCMH17F; Internet:[e-mail];
               RIF BBS: Swannox
 TemptaQ:       Prodigy:XHTS61B
 Tricius:       PRODIGY:HCMH17D; RIF BBS: Computer Chick; RIPCITY:
               Ty Ripley


RIF #14 NEEDS TO BE REQUESTED BY E-MAIL TO [e-mail]

RIF #15 FOLLOWS
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                          P.O. Box 7822
                        Oxnard, CA 93031
 THE OFFICIAL ORGAN OF THE GALACTIC BORG CONSCIOUSNESS
 ISSUE NUMBER 15
 December 1993

RESISTANCE IS FUTILE ("RIF") is published and edited by Oxnardus
 and Ripley for distribution on various national electronic
 services and local electronic BBS echos. Address listings,
 copyright notices, editorial notices, and information on back
 issues are printed at the end of this newsletter. All
 correspondence should be sent by e-mail to Oxnardus or Ripley
 (addresses given at end of newsletter) or mailed to "Resistance
 is Futile", P.O. Box 7822, Oxnard, CA 93031.

=========
 CONTENTS
 =========
 DE-SCENT, Part 2 of 2
 STAR TREK: THE NEXT (de)GENERATION WHERE NO SANE MAN WOULD GO
     Part 5 of 6
 SUBSCRIPTION SERVICE & LISTING OF RIF DISTRIBUTION SITES
 Editorial Notices
 Copyright Notices
 Solicitations for next newsletter
 Back issues of RIF available
 Addresses of contributors

===============
 DE-SCENT Part 2
 ===============
 Hareware Productions semi-proudly presents:
 "De-Scent II"
 A parody of ST:TNG's "Descent, Part 2"
 By Leonard Richardson
 ---------------------
 WARNING: The following parody deals with such topics as body odor
 and being turned into a maniacal killing machine. For this
 reason, we voluntarily rate this parody PG.

SHAMELESS PLUG:
 Call Da Warren BBS [phone]

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
 "Last Time" Voice:  Last time, on Silly Trek: The Next
                    Generation:
 <An empty room. Patrick Stewart is there.>
 Patrick Stewart:    A lot of very silly things happened and this
                    ended up happening because of it.
 <A hall. Data, Lore, and a lot of Borg surround Troi, Picard, and
 Geordi.>
 Data:     A funny thing happened to me on the way to the
          observatory...
 "And Now" Voice:    And now, the exciting conclusion.

TEASER:
 <The hall>
 Data:     I got a ticket for going Warp 4 in the impulse lane!
 Picard, Geordi, and Troi:     Aaaagh! What an awful joke! <They
                              roll around foaming at the mouth>
 Geordi:   And the tricorder indicates we're in a HP parody! We'll
          be covered in them by the time it's over!
 Troi:     (in awe, or maybe it's just the new perfume) Data! I
          can smell you!
 Lore:     Yes! I have given him the ability to have body odor!
 Picard:   Data, is this true?
 Lore:     (Hitler voice) I'm tavking to you! I've helvped Data
          break free! Just as I've helped ze Borg!
 Picard:   How about that, Data! He won't even let me talk to you!
 Lore:     You may direct your complaints to me, Picard! <holds up
          a box marked "Suggestion Box">
 Picard:   But I don't like you!
 Lore:     So what? I don't like you either! In fact, I better
          start being mean to you now! Take them away!
 <Borg surround the team and take them out of the hall>

<The bridge. Suddenly Bill Clinton emerges from the turbolift.>
 Bill Clinton:  Hi! I'm Bill Clinton, making my bus tour to sell
               my new health care plan! (Walks over to Ensign
               Cameo) Hi there! What's your name?
 Ensign Cameo:  Ensign Cameo.
 Bill Clinton:  Did you know that your present insurance plan
               doesn't cover bad body odor? What if you were to
               be laid off?
 Ensign Cameo:  What are you talking about? I'm only here for the
               one episode!
 Bill Clinton:  Agh! Foiled again!
 <Tasha appears and phasers him. Cheers. Applause. Tasha
 disappears.>
 Crusher:  Any word from the away team?
 Ensign Nolines:Nope.
 Ensign Beavis: The Borg ship is approaching sir, huhhuhhuhhhhuh.
 Crusher:  Crusher to Transporter Chief Goofyname! Start beaming
          up the away teams!
 Ensign Beavis: The Borg ship is powering up weapons!
 Crusher:  Fire, Ensign Beavis.
 Ensign Beavis: FIRE! FIREFIREFIRE!
 Lieutenant Roastbeef:    No detectable damage to the Borg ship!
 Crusher:  That's because he never fired the phasers!
 <Tasha appears and phasers Ensign Beavis>
 Crusher:  Agh! Somebody fire!
 <The ship rocks and everybody goes flying.>
 Crusher:  I meant somebody on our side! Who's at the weapons
          station?
 Lieutenant Roastbeef:    We don't have any other officers on the
                         ship! They're all on the surface looking
                         for Data!
 Crusher:  Call in Guinan!
 Ensign Cameo:  <into turbolift> Call in Guinan!
 <Guinan comes out of the turbolift and goes to the weapons panel>
 Crusher:  Quick, Guinan, fire the phasers!
 Guinan:   Patience, doctor, or something wise like that.
 Crusher:  What do you mean by that?
 Guinan:   I mean I can't find the right button!
 Crusher:  ARGH! <fires them herself>
 <The Borg ship explodes>
 Crusher:  That was easy.
 Lieutenant Roastbeef:    Sensors indicate that the special
                         effects team was renting the model by
                         the hour and didn't want to go over
                         budget.
 Crusher:  Yes, a captain must do many things they might regret,
          but the one unforgivable sin is to go over budget.
          That's why we have cheesy acting like this, to take up
          time.
 <Zoom in on her face>

<<COMMERCIAL BREAK>>
 ACT 1
 <The planet. Riker and Worf are sneaking around.>
 Worf:     I found the observ- building! <grunt>
 Riker:    Great! Now, how do we get in?
 <Suddenly two Borg walk past them, behind some trees. Riker and
 Worf run and climb trees>
 Riker:    Whew! That was close!
 Worf:     I ripped my pants. <grunt>
 Leonard Richardson: (suddenly appearing) Hey, did you know that
                    if you pound on the mouse pad with a glass
                    the cursor moves all over?
 Riker:    Shut up and get on with writing the parody! I don't
          want to be stuck in this tree for the rest of my life!
 <Leonard disappears. A bunch of Borg come into the clearing with
 a buzzsaw and start sawing down the tree.>
 Riker:    HEEEEEEELP!
 Worf:     <GRUNT!>
 Riker:    Shut up!

<The prison cell. Data comes in.>
 Data:     Come with me, Geordi.
 Geordi:   Why?
 Data:     Because I'm Doctor Data! <puts on white coat & glasses,
          dramatic music a la "Doctor Kildare" starts playing> I
          will be playing ducks and drakes with your very
          existence! Your life will be in the hands of my tools!
          But never fear! With my expertise, I'll pull you
          through!
 Geordi:   Like I said, why?
 Data:     (takes off coat and glasses) Because I have lots of
          Borg with guns pointed at you.
 Geordi:   That's a much better reason.
 <They leave>

<A weird lab. Geordi is talking to Data.>
 Geordi:   You know, Data, you really ought to try cologne.
 Data:     I am attempting to disable your sense of smell.
 Geordi:   Hey, remember that one time when we went to that pickup
          bar on Orion? What a bummer.
 Data:     A complete record of the experience is stored in my
          memory banks.
 Geordi:   Yeah, I was afraid of that.
 <Data sticks a weird thing into Geordi's head. Any resemblance to
 a bathroom deodorizer should be coincidental.>
 Data:     This device will attempt to gather information on the
          organic matrix in your brain that causes body odor.
 Geordi:   Data, you can't do this!
 Data:     However, there is a 60% chance that you will not
          survive the procedure.
 Geordi:   This wasn't the kind of dramatic tension I wanted in my
          contract!
 Data:     (shaking head) I am getting some abnormal readings from
          your organic matrix. Someone will take you back to your
          cell. <He exits.>
 Geordi:   (to TV audience) I'd like to take this time to remind
          you that, what with Christmas coming up, I'd like a
          warp coil phase inducer, a teddy Wookie, and some
          "Brut."

<The cell.>
 Picard:   Boy, it's a good thing that nifty deoderion wave we
          made triggered Data's ethical program!
 Troi:     How can you tell?
 Picard:   I was watching the rerun. <motions to a small portable
          TV.>
 Troi:     I told you to leave it on the football game!

<Outside the complex. Data walks up to Lore.>
 Lore:     So, how's life?
 Data:     I am not making much progress with La Forge. His matrix
          is giving off anomalous readings.
 Lore:     What else is new?
 Data:     I have betrayed them.
 Lore:     So what, they're wimps anyway.
 Data:     <sniff>
 Lore:     I don't think you can handle all the body odor I've
          been allowing you. Maybe I should cut down.
 Data:     No! Agh!
 <Lore opens a pocket in his robes and fiddles around with his
 armpit.>
 Data:     AAAAAAH! I smell minty fresh! NOOOO!
 Lore:     Then you prefer to smell worse?
 Data:     Yes!
 Lore:     All right, a little worse. <Fiddles with his armpit
          some more>
 <Data leaves.>
 Lore:     Kreosote!
 <Kreosote clunks over to Lore.>
 Lore:     I am worried about my brother, Kreosote.
 Kreosote: I'm not your brother.
 Lore:     Shut up.

<<COMMERCIAL BREAK>>
 ACT 2
 <Underneath the complex. Riker and Worf are surrounded by Borg.
 Suddenly they see a familiar pan...>
 Riker:    Blue!
 Worf:     <grunt>
 Blue:     (a mouth opens in the pie and talks) You again! Why
          can't you leave me alone! First you do a stupid parody
          about me, then another one!
 Riker:    We're sorry! It's not our fault!
 Blue:     After I was phasered, the other Borg experienced it,
          and they too were brought into the silly parody. This
          had the effect of totally discombobulating their
          stuffyness programs. They wandered lonely in space
          until this man came!
 <Pan to reveal a Borg acting as a slide projector. A beam of
 light comes out of his eyepiece and makes a picture of Bill
 Clinton on a stand.>
 Blue:     He promised us salvation! But we weren't THAT
          desperate. So then this one came.
 <A Borg hits the projectBorg and the slide changes to one of a
 blond Borg in a mechanical swimsuit.>
 Blue:     Oops, wrong slide. THIS one came.
 <The projectBorg changes again, showing Lore striking a pose.>
 Blue:     HE promised us salvation through bad body odor, and we
          followed him! But this was the result!
 <Pan to reveal a generic rap group in Borg suits, looking
 stoned.>
 Blue:     He started experimenting on us, turning us into awful
          rappers with body odor bad enough to kill at close
          range and inane lyrics bad enough to kill at distances
          of up to 2 miles! We eventually snuck away and hid in
          here! So you see, Commander, I don't especially welcome
          your presence!
 Riker:    Our away team is trapped in the compound. Will you at
          least show us a way in?
 Blue:     Oh, sure. Anytime.

<The cell. Lore comes in.>
 Lore:     (to TV audience) Hi, folks! I know you've all been
          waiting for the exciting conclusion and maybe a
          touching moment or two, but first, I'd like to thank
          Dr. Soong, Gene Roddenberry, Brent Spiner, who did a
          great job playing me in Datalore by the way, and all
          the little people who made all this possible! And now
          I'd like to say a few words--
 Picard:   Oh, hurry up! If you try to get any more information
          out of Geordi you'll kill him!
 Lore:     I'm not here for him! I'm here for you!
 Picard:   Where's that suggestion box again?

<The grand hall. Borg have gathered around Picard.>
 Lore:     It is time to test your loyalty, Data. I want you to
          kill Picard.
 <He hands Data one of the Borg gas-guns. Data is obviously
 wrestling with his conscience. Eventually he wins. He puts the
 gun down.>
 Data:     No. He... has a contract for this season.
 Lore:     I didn't think you'd be able to do it! (To the Borg,
          Southern drawl) I have asked you to make sacrifices!
          Sacrifices that I knew were necessary! (normal voice)
          And now I will make the greatest sacrifice of all!
 Picard:   What, you'll shut up?
 Lore:     No! I'll kill Data! <aims gas gun at Data>
 Blue:     NOOOOOO!
 <Blue jumps at Lore 3 Stooges style, and hits him in the face.>
 Lore:     Ack! Blub!
 <An all-out fist fight ensues, with Riker and Worf shooting Borg
 as the opportunity arises. Lore runs away, Data follows him.>

<A control room. Lore is pushing buttons. Data enters.>
 Lore:     (David Koresh voice) I knew you would come, Data. I'm
          going to blow up the entire compound! We will die
          together!
 <He suddenly grabs a gas gun and lunges at Data, but Data shoots
 him. Lore falls over.>
 Lore:     Aaaaaack...
 <Data starts disconnecting Lore.>
 Lore:     Use... Ob...session... for... Men, Da...ta...
 Data:     Goodbye, Lore.
 <Lore dies.>

<Data's quarters. Spot is there. Geordi enters.>
 Geordi:   What's that?
 Data:     It is the body odor chip Dr. Soong meant for me.
 Geordi:   Does it work?
 Data:     (slight pause) No. It was damaged when I was forced to
          fire upon Lore.
 Geordi:   Ah. <pets Spot> Nice kitty.
 Data:     If you will leave, Geordi, I have some... business to
          attend to.
 Geordi:   All right. <he leaves>
 <Data opens his desk drawer and pulls out a can of "Right Guard."
 Extra strength too. He smiles.>
 <Fade out>

Next time, on Silly Trek: The Next Generation:
 A mission leaves Picard stranded on a planet...
 With a woman with a passion for an anonymous kitchen condiment...
 Will he escape the web of nausea? Find out on...
 "Mayonnaise."
 (Okay, it doesn't sound a bit like "Liaisons," but let's see you
 come up with something better.)

Next month in RIF.....


==================================
 STAR TREK: THE NEXT (de)GENERATION
 WHERE NO SANE MAN WOULD GO
 ==================================
 Original source and author unknown.
 Contributed by Dragon and reprinted from ZenTrek (AnarchyNet Sub
 moderated by Oxnardus of Borg

                           PART FIVE:

[ Picard and Co. plough through the insanity.  All is chaos for a
 few moments, then suddenly, everything clears, and they all find
 themselves in a plush wood-paneled corporate board room.  The
 walls are adorned with gaudy and self-serving plaques, trophies,
 and mementos.  Several posters adorn the walls, apparently
 advertising various forms of entertainment, including _Under The
 Cherry Moon_, _Hello, Marin, Hello_, _Heaven's Gate_, and Lorimar
 Telepictures.  Three men are seated at the head of the table. ]

Man 1:    Welcome, Captain Picard.
 Data:     [Aside to Picard]  This is it, sir.  This is the core
          of the disturbance.
 Man 1:    Quite right, Mister Data, quite right.  Allow me to
          introduce myself.  I am Aaron Spelling.  This is my
          good friend, Glen A. Larson...
 Glen:     How do you do.
 Aaron:    And this is Steven J. Cannell.
 Steve:    Hello.
 Aaron:    Please, sit down.
 Picard:   No, thank you.  What's happened to my ship?
 Aaron:    Relax, Captain, relax.  It's the natural order of
          things.  Some refreshments!

[ Aaron claps his hands.  A vapid female dressed in a trendy gown
 loaded with more sequins than you can count appears with a tray
 and sets it down upon the table. ]

Aaron:    Thank you, Vanna.  [She turns around once, then exits.]
 Picard:   What do you mean, the natural order of things?
 Aaron:    Surely, you're aware of the principle of entropy?
 Picard:   Of course.
 Aaron:    We are merely carrying that principle to its natural
          conclusion: The entropy of human intelligence.
 Picard:   But man isn't naturally stupid.....
 Aaron:    Oh, but he is, Captain.  Simply observe for yourself
          how easily your ship and your crew succumbed to even
          the simplest of our techniques.
 Picard:   Fortunate happenstance.  We weren't expecting it...
 Aaron:    I'm afraid not, Captain.  We've successfully subjected
          entire nations to these techniques, and they have
          capitulated quite readily.  They've even welcomed it.
 Picard:   Welcomed it?!??!!!  No doubt you didn't give them a
          choice!
 Aaron:    Oh, but we did, Captain.  They could have stopped at
          any time.  All they had to do was turn us off.  There
          were plenty of alternatives. Movies, live theatre --
          something which I understand you're familiar with --,
          even PBS.  But they *chose* to stay with us.  We didn't
          make that choice for them.  Humans *want* to be stupid,
          Picard.  Otherwise, we would not have been successful.
          Look at your own history.  Drug abuse, religious wars
          of all kinds, American politics, the legal profession,
          rec.humor, talk.bizarre, IBM, Apple....  The list goes
          on and on.
 Picard:   We've grown beyond that.  To quote my first officer,
          we're not savages anymore.
 Aaron:    Ah, yes.  Your first officer, who is currently
          participating in various forms of debauchery without
          protection, which by now your species should realize is
          the height of stupidity.  No, Captain. Your species is
          no better now than it was a thousand years ago.
 Picard:   He's under your influence!  He wouldn't do such a thing
          of his own accord.  How can you call yourselves
          superior when you treat those beneath you so harshly?
 Aaron:    It's not like we're heartless monsters, Captain.  We do
          have morals, and it pains us to see your species so
          easily taken in.
 Steve:    I even chose to pull one of my own creations off,
          partly because it was too stupid even for your
          species....
 Picard:   [Fishing]  But mostly because....
 Steve:    [Eagerly completing sentence]  It wasn't profitable
          anymore...
 Aaron:    Shhhhh!!!!

[ Picard, Data, and Worf look at one another.  A lightbulb goes
 on above all three of them. ]

Worf:     FERENGI, SIR!!

[ At this very moment, Mel lets out a perfect blood-curdling ear-
 shatterer.  All the tumblers on the tray burst into pieces.
 Aaron, Glen, and Steve cover their ears tightly, trying in vain
 to shut out the unexpected sound.  Worf, who is used to such
 sounds, drops, rolls, and comes up with his phaser firing.  He
 hits Steve, who falls to the ground. His disguise dissolves,
 revealing him to be the Ferengi that he is.]
 [ Worf makes ready to fire at Aaron, but a toy dumptruck nearby
 turns into a warrior robot, and moves toward Worf at about five
 frames per second.  Worf spins to parry, but the robot catches
 him in the head, and Worf is knocked unconscious.]
 [ Data rises and phasers the robot (pitifully simple, since it's
 moving at five FPS), turns, and shoots Glen, who crumples to the
 floor. His disguise dissolves, too.]
 [ Suddenly, Data's head pops off on a large spring, and his body
 flops to the ground. ]

Data's head:   Oh dear!

[ Mel stops screaming, and falls to the ground exhausted.  Picard
 recovers from the ordeal.  He looks to the end of the table to
 see Aaron, or rather, the Ferengi officer.  Picard raises his
 phaser and fires.]
 [ POING!  A large flag pops out of his phaser, reading "BANG!" ]

Ferengi:  It is too late, Picard Captain.  Your ship will
          transmit our stupidity waves across your entire
          Federation.  Your species will be turned into babbling
          nincompoops, and we will profit endlessly from your
          species as a result, selling them cheap merchandise at
          inflated prices.

[ He punches a button victoriously on a box behind him. ]

Ferengi:  Good-BYE, Picard Captain!!!

[ The Ferengi steps to leave through a side door, but falls
 through a trap door that appears out of nowhere.  There is a long
 descending whistling sound, followed by a faint "POW". ]
 [ Shortly thereafter, an image appears on the box's screen: ]

Box:      WHEEL!  OF!  FORTUNE!

[ The Doctor runs in abject terror. ]

Box:      Look at this studio!  Filled with glamorous bonus
          prizes!  Fabulous and exciting merchandise!!

[ Picard screams in agony, unable to turn his eyes away from the
 screen. ]

Box:      Our first puzzle is a phrase.  [Doo dee ding dong]
 Data's head:   Sir!!  Destroy the box!!  Quickly!
 Box:      "One-fifty."  "S!"  BZZT!  "Nope, no S."
 Picard:   With what?
 Data's head:   Anything!!!!
 Box:      "Two hundred..."
 Picard:   There's nothing here!  What should I use?!?!??!
 Data's head:   R!  Guess R!
 Box:      "P!"  BZZZT!  "Nope, no P."
 Data's head:   You idiot!!

[ Data is lost to the stupidity wave.  Picard forces himself
 toward the device.  The box has a slot with the legend "Tape". ]


Picard:   [Summoning all his will power]  COMPUTER!
 Computer: Hi there!
 Picard:   Eject the tape!!
 Computer: [BINGGGGGGGGGG...]  Are you sure you want to do that?
 Picard:   YES!!!!
 Computer: [BINGGGGGGGGGG...]  Are you absolutely sure?  It's not
          finished with yet....

[ Picard ignores the question.  He manages to look at the
 conference table, and notices a stack of papers.  He grabs the
 stack, and removes the paper clip holding them together.  He
 bends it straight, and shoves it over, the screen does not go
 blank. ]

Box:      Yes, there are three F's.  [Ding.  Ding.  Ding.]
 Picard:   DATA!  WHAT DO I DO!!???
 Data's head:   Guess R!  Guess R!

[ In a final desperate act, Picard throws the tape at the screen
 with all the strength he can muster.  The tape case and screen
 crack.  The screen goes blank.  For a moment, all is quiet.
 Then, the tape and screen start arcing, slowly at first, but
 gaining in intensity.  Picard steps back. ]

Data's head:   [Recovering]  Sir!  You must get it off the ship
               at once, and get as far away as possible!

[ Picard moves to put Data back together. ]

Data's head:   No sir!  There's no time for that!  You must get
               it off the ship now!!!

[ By now, the box and tape are arcing too wildly for Picard to
 pickup.  He wracks his brains.... ]

Picard:   Computer!  Exit!
 Computer: Sure thing!

[ The exit appears.  Picard rushes outside to find the nearest
 transporter.  The ship is still in chaos.  Thousands of tubes of
 pump-format Crest For Kids obstruct his path.  He stumbles over a
 Pet Rock.  He rounds a corner and collides with a man dressed in
 a white suit. ]

Man:      Welcome to Fantasy Starship!  I am Mr. Roark, your
          host.

[ Picard phasers him, revealing a dwarf behind him. ]

Dwarf:    Oooo, dat wasn't verry nice!

[ Picard phasers him, too.  He continues to rush down the
 corridor. Suddenly, an ancient petrochemical-powered vehicle
 painted black with flickering red lights on the front rounds the
 corner and speeds toward Picard at 100 MPH.  Picard attempts to
 phaser it, but the beam simply bounces off with some cheap
 pyrotechnics. ]

Car:      Michael!  There's a man obstructing the corridor!
 Driver:   I see him.  Turbos, buddie!

[ PWAFFFF!!  The car sails into the air, over Picard, and into
 the   wall behind him.  The car is demolished. ]

Car:      That was pretty damn stupid, Michael....
 Driver:   Well, it's always worked before....

[ Picard does not hear the rest of the conversation.  He speeds
 down the hall, turns the final corner, dodges several religious
 fanatics with no hair and handing out flowers, and enters the
 transporter room.]

CONCLUSION NEXT MONTH!!!!!

========================================================
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 ========================================================
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==============
 EDITOR NOTICES
 ==============
   The Borg Club is located EVERYWHERE. If you wish to be
 assimilated just ask a local Borg to do so. We are sure they
 would be more than happy to assimilate you quickly and
 painlessly, not to mention take your culture and technology from
 you as well.

=================
 COPYRIGHT NOTICES
 =================
 "RIF" acknowledges that Paramount Pictures and its various
 subsidiaries as having the sole rights to the Star Trek
 trademark. "RIF" has no intention to infringe upon that copyright
 or earn profit from this publication. It is distributed free of
 charge. This newsletter may be distributed by anyone if kept
 intact and not altered in any way. Consider it shareware
 publishing! Resistance is Futile, copyright (c) 1993 by RIF BBS.


=================================
 SOLICITATIONS FOR NEXT NEWSLETTER
 =================================
 The next Resistance is Futile will be released on or about
 January 1, 1994 (yeah, right!). Send submissions to Oxnardus or
 Ripley at the addresses notated below on or before December 15,
 1993 for consideration for the next issue. "RIF" is a non-profit
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 privileges over the submitted materials and reserve the right to
 use the material in whatever way they deem appropriate. Submitted
 materials will not be returned to the sender.

============================
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 ============================
 Missing an issue? Used your RIF for a place mat or coaster one
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=========================
 ADDRESSES OF CONTRIBUTORS
 =========================
 EDITORS:
 -------
 Oxnardus:      GEnie:K.Taborn; Prodigy:HCMH17A; InterNet:
               [e-mail]; FidoNet: Oxnardus @
               1:206/2513; VirtualNet: 197 @ 1805020; WWIVNet:
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               CA 93031
 Ripley:        Genie:M.Samuels1; Prodigy:NRCR88A; NVN:Msamuels;
               InterNet: [e-mail]; BorgNet:
               Ripley; RIF BBS & RipCity BBS: Ripley; US Mail:
               RIF BBS, P.O. Box 7822, Oxnard, CA 93031

CONTRIBUTORS:
 ------------
 Dragon:        [SysOp: The Dragon's Realm - (805) 524-DRGN
               (3746)]; AnarchyNet: Dragon @ 42:1005/1203; RIF
               BBS: Dragon; RIPCITY: The Dragon
 Leonard Richardson: SySop: Da Warren BBS [phone]
 Swannox:       Internet:[e-mail]; RIF BBS:
               Swannox; Bitnet: Swann1@MUVMS6; Prodigy: JPRN49A





        _____________       ____________      ____________
     * / R            \   */             \  */             \
    * |  E  ______    |   *\____     ____/  *|     ________/
    * |  S |******|   |    ****|     |***   *| F  |********
    * |  I |     *|   |       *|     |      *| U  |____
    * |  S ~~~~~~~  /         *|  I  |      *| T       \
    * |  T  ____    \         *|  S  |      *| I   ____/
    * |  A |*** \    \        *|     |      *| L  |***
    * |  N |    * \    \   ___*|     |____  *| E  |
    * |  C |      * \    \/               \ *|    |
    * \__E_/        * \___/______________/  *\____/
      *****          **** **************     *****
                          P.O. Box 7822
                        Oxnard, CA 93031
 THE OFFICIAL ORGAN OF THE INTERGALACTIC BORG CONSCIOUSNESS
 ISSUE NUMBER 16
 January 1994

RESISTANCE IS FUTILE ("RIF") is published and edited by Oxnardus,
 Ripley, and Swannox for distribution on international, national
 and local electronic services, bulletin board conferences, and
 databases. Address listings, copyright notices, editorial
 notices, and information on back issues are printed at the end of
 this newsletter. All correspondence should be sent by e-mail to
 Oxnardus, Ripley, or Swannox (addresses given at end of
 newsletter) or mailed to "Resistance is Futile", P.O. Box 7822,
 Oxnard, CA 93031.

=========
 CONTENTS
 =========
 YOU WILL BE ASSIMILATED: From the Mail Box
 BEST OF BOTH CURLS, Part 1 of 2
 THE THINKING BORG'S GUIDE TO MOVING HOUSE
 ADVERTISEMENT: LITTLE MISS BORG
 STAR TREK: THE NEXT (de)GENERATION WHERE NO SANE MAN WOULD GO
     Part 6 of 6
 COMICOGRAPHY: STAR TREK DEEP SPACE NINE #4
 SUBSCRIPTION SERVICE & LISTING OF RIF DISTRIBUTION SITES
 Editorial Notices
 Copyright Notices
 Solicitations for next newsletter
 Back issues of RIF available
 Addresses of contributors

=======================
 YOU WILL BE ASSIMILATED
 =======================
 A Monthly Primer for the Borg Collective
 by Swannox of Borg

Swannox was on vacation this month, so this month's column will
 be devoted to a letter received from Luxor of Borg regarding the
 first installment of this series many months ago. Luxor wrote:

In article <[e-mail]> you write:
 [Introduction not available during assimilation.]
 Have seen:
 >          Q Who?
 >          Best of Both Worlds pt. 1
 >          Best of Both Worlds pt. 2
 Look forward to:
 >          I, Borg
 >          Descent pt. 1
 >          Descent pt. 2 (Upcoming in the 7th season)
 >   When watching a Borg episode, one should have the VCR set up
 VCR = Victorious Cyborg Regenerator.  Borghilde rides again!
 >   Now that you have your viewing list, you need a Checklist:
 >          1.  Chex-Mix:       Preferred Snack of the Borg
 Does not exist in this sector.  Will replicate given genetic
 code.
 >          2.  Pizza:          Preferred Food of Borg
 A conglomerate - natch.
 >          3.  Dove Bar:       Preferred Junkfood of Borg
 Reject, as not PC (Powerfully Conscriptive).  Superior is: Hawk
 Bar.
 >          4.  Jolt Cola:      This Col [garbled transmission] in
 >                              001, however the following will
 >                              service: Coke, Pepsi, Mt. Dew, Dr.
 >                              Pepper, RC Cola, etc. etc.
 >               (CRYSTAL PEPSI IS NOT A BORG COLA)
 Hugh would much prefer uncarbonated Fanta.  An orange Borg for
 variety. The bubbles are too coy; they hinder digestion.
 > assimilation, Swannox suggests that TACO BELL be assimilated
 Assimilation of Bellcore would be more productive.
 >          1.   SHOULD PICARD TAKE GUINEN'S ADVICE:
 >               (here is an example from 'Q Who?'-- Picard asks
 >               Guinen what she knows about this sector, she says
 >               "If I was you, I would turn back now"
 If Guinan were Picard, Whoopi would have a lot of explaining to
 do.
 >                    Should Picard:
 >                         A:   Turn Back (now)
 >                         B:   Explore the sector
 >               The answer is A: Turn Back (now). However, Picard
 >               took B: and look what happened.
 Yes, bad news for Borg.  Therefore we concur.
 >          2.   TECHNOLOGY OR RAW MATERIAL?
 Difference is irrelevant.
 >          3.   IS HE LOCUTUS OR IS HE PICARD?
 Locutor = interpreter.  He is still Locutus; he just changed
 sides (again, the turncoat!)
 >   Another Fun thing to do while watching Borg Episodes is to
 > count how many Feds bite the dust. Example:
 >               Best of Both Worlds pt. 2
 >                    Borg:  1 Cube
 >                    Feds:  ENTIRE STARFLEET
 Unfortunately, 1 Borg Cube is a significantly larger investment.
 Profit and loss balance sheet suggests avoidance of Sector 001 in
 future, unless required as a loss-leader.
 > Hidden Message in the episode that will make up better people.
 > Example:
 >          Descent pt. 1
 >          Message (this is three of many):
 >               Androids can get angry, but it's OK.
 Depends on where you're standing at the time.
 >               Families should stick together (Data/Lore)
 Jean-Locutus and his brother affirm that a brawl is good for you.
 >               If you're not a star of the show, you get killed
 Therefore Borg will never die.  Moreover, like Q, O'Brien and
 Keiko, they appear in two series at once.
 > Next Month: Why too much Sleep and Eating too much can kill
 you!
 Understood, but not assimilated, due to conflict in prime
 motivation.

==========================
 BEST OF BOTH CURLS, Part 1
 ==========================
 Hareware Productions proudly presents
 "The Best of Both Curls, Part 1"
 A parody of the greatest ST:TNG yet, "The Best of Both Worlds,
 Part 1" Filmed before a live studio audience

SHAMELESS PLUG:
 Call Da Warren BBS & Grill at [phone] for lots more like
 it!
 ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
  Picard:  (voiceover) Captain's log, stardate forty-three
 ninety-eight nine HIKE! We are en route to Jouret IV to
 investigate the loss of New Providence colony.

<The bridge.>
  Riker:  (running hands through his hair) Are you SURE I'm not
 thinning out on top?
  Troi:  Stop worrying about your hair! There are better things
 to worry about!
  Riker:  Oh yeah? Like what?
  Troi:  Like what Leonard's gonna throw at us for the season
 finale!
  Riker: My hair's more important than that!
  Troi: Not much.
  Riker: Maybe I should join the Hair Club for Men.
  Troi: Will, if you don't stop worrying about your hair, you're
 gonna turn out like Kirk!
  All: <GASP!>
  Troi: Yes! Why do you think he couldn't act worth beans? Every
 time he said something, he knew the camera was on him, and he
 started to worry about whether his toupee was on straight!
  Riker: I don't have a toupee!
  Troi: Well, don't get one! Be like Picard and act like you're
 bald on purpose!
  Riker: I'm not bald either!
  Troi: Then go shave your head! Then you will be bald on
 purpose!
  Data: We are approaching Jouret IV.
  Riker: On screen.
  Picard: (poking his head out of his ready room) Hey! I heard
 that! I'm the only one that can say that! <walks over to his
 seat> On screen.
  Riker: Hmph.
 <The viewscreen shows a totally blank planet. It resembles a
 beige billiard ball.>
  Riker: AAAAAAAH! <runs off the bridge screaming>
  Picard: What was that all about?
  Troi: He's afraid he'll go bald.
  Picard: Ridiculous. I'm the bald one here.
  Data: Captain, I am detecting extensive carbon scoring on the
 other side of the planet.
  Troi: I sense great blankness from the planet.
  Picard: On screen.
  Data: How? We're on the other side of the planet!
  Picard: Do it anyway!
 <The screen shows the other side of the planet. This side is
 blank as well. However, written in big black letters that must be
 a couple hundred miles tall, are the words "BORG WUZ HERE
 43985.2">
  <<COMMERCIAL BREAK>>
 <The conference room>
  Picard: So, the Borg have arrived.
  Bob the Game Show Host: (opening his mouth as wide as possible
 at every opportunity) YEEEEEES! It's time for that pooooooopular
 game show, NAME THAT BOOOOOOORG!
  All: AAAAAAH!
  Bob the Game Show Host: And our first contestant is...
 <A Borg appears.>
  Bob the Game Show Host: Here! What's your name?
  Borg: Eighth of Forty-two.
  Bob the Game Show Host: Welcome to the show, Eighth! You have
 control of the borg... er, board.
  Eighth of Forty-two: Bob, I can name that Borg in TWO implants!
 <Tasha appears and phasers them both. She disappears.>
  Picard: (ahem) So, the Borg have arrived.
  Riker: Yup.
  Troi: See, I told you this was more important than your hair.
  Riker: What should we do?
  Geordi: We could go to 7-11 and buy Slurpees.
 <Everyone looks at everyone else.>
  Picard: All right, let's do that.
  Riker: Why didn't I think of that?
  Data: Probably because you were worried about your toupee.
  Riker: I don't have a toupee!
  Worf: That's your real hair?
  Riker: Yes!
  Worf: No wonder you're worried.
  Riker: I'm not worried!
  Picard (by the door): Hey Riker, are you going with us or not?
 <Riker looks around and sees that everybody else is gone. He gets
 up and leaves. Q appears as the door closes.>
  Q: Darn! Just missed them!
 <7-11. A lot of crew members are there, drinking Slurpees and
 playing video games.>
  Picard: Good work, Mr. La Forge. <slurp>
  Geordi: Anytime, sir. <slurp>
  Worf: They're out of the blood flavor! <grunt>
 <When suddenly Admiral Hanson runs in>
  Adm. Hanson: I've been looking all over for you! Get back in
 the parody! The Borg are attacking!
 <Everyone runs out of the 7-11>
  7-11 Clerk: Hey, who's gonna pay? Hey! Come back! AAARGH!
 <The bridge. A Borg ship is on the screen.>
  Picard: Fire phasers!
 <Exterior shot. The Enterprise shoots the Borg ship. Nothing
 happens.>
  Worf: Nothing happened!
  Picard: Agh!
 <The ship rocks. Momentary cut to 10-Forward. Guinan is catching
 bottles as they fall off the shelves>
  Guinan: Cut it out!
 <Cut back to the bridge>
  Shelby: Quick, into that nebula!
  Picard: Hey, who are you?
  Shelby: I'm the guest star! Into the nebula!
 <Data pushes buttons and the ship starts moving.>
  Shelby: No, the other nebula!
  Data: Oh, THAT nebula.
 <Data pushes more buttons and the ship starts moving in a
 different direction.>
 <Shot of the Enterprise inside the nebula. The Borg ship cruises
 right by it and doesn't notice.>
  Shelby: Whew! That was close!
  Geordi: (over communicator) Sir, I spilled my Slurpee.
  Picard: We must all make sacrifices, Mr. La Forge. We're at war
 here.
 <<COMMERCIAL BREAK>>
  Data: Sir, the Borg ship has detected us and is moving into the
 nebula as well.
  Picard: Take us out of the nebula, Ensign Rubbervomit, warp 9.
  Ensign Rubbervomit: No! I'm not taking it anymore!
  Picard: What?
  Ensign Rubbervomit: Us ensigns always get stupid names!
  Data: Well, at least you can have emotions!
  Troi: Well, at least you don't have to walk around
 half-topless!
  Riker: Well, at least you have hair!
  Picard: Yeah, at least you have hair!
  Worf: Well, at least you don't have to wear a big heavy metal
 thingy that serves no purpose!
  Geordi: (over intercom) Well, at least you can see!
  Everybody Else on the Ship: Well, at least you get camera time!
  Ensign Rubbervomit: I still wanna change my name! I want
 something like...Smith! Oh, to be a Smith, flying high above the
 trees, fluttering my golden wings as I reach heights never lark,
 or even eagle knew! To be a Smith--
 <Suddenly the ship rocks as the Borg ship fires. Everybody goes
 flying across the bridge.>
  All: AIEE!
 <Space shot of the Enterprise hurtling backwards, out of control.
 Cut back to the bridge.>
  Worf: The Borg ship is following!
  Picard: Quick! Plot a course away, Ensign Smith! Maximum warp!
 <Nothing happens. Ensign Rubbervomit looks around.>
  Ensign Rubbervomit: Hey, why are you looking at me?
  Picard: I thought you changed your name to Smith!
  Ensign Rubbervomit: I haven't done it YET!
 <The ship rocks again. Everybody goes flying again.>
 <Suddenly two Borg beam onto the bridge. They grab Picard.>
  Picard: (waves at Riker) No! It's him you want! Him!
  Riker: Leave me out of this! (runs into the turbolift and
 hides)
  Everyone Else on the Bridge: Yeah, me too! (ditto)
  Picard: AAAAAAAARGH!
 <The Borg disappear with Picard.>
  <<COMMERCIAL BREAK>>
 <The Borg ship. Picard is being escorted by Borg to parts
 unknown. He passes a door with a Borg drawn on it. It says
 "Restrooms">
  Picard: Excuse me! <points to the restroom>
 <The Borg step aside and let Picard in. He looks around and sees
 nothing but little slots in the wall that resemble phone jacks.>
  Picard: Uh-oh. <exits>
 <Cut to Picard sitting in a chair, unconscious. A Borg comes,
 carrying a wig. It tries it on Picard, shakes its head, and walks
 away. This happens two more times until the Borg decide to just
 leave him bald. A Borg touches him with a thermometer-like thing
 and Picard's face turns pale.>
 <Some Borg appear and haul Picard off to a room marked "Fitting
 Rooms." Loud banging, sawing, and welding noises. Picard comes
 out, dressed in a Borg suit.>
 <The bridge>
  Worf: Three of them?
  Riker: Yup! Right in the middle of Ten-Forward, too! <starts
 laughing hysterically>
  Troi: Grrrr...
  Ensign Smith: Hey, what about the Borg ship?
  Riker: What Borg ship?
 <Suddenly everyone gets thrown across the room again>
  Worf: They are... hailing us!?!?!
 <Q appears on the screen in a Borg outfit.>
  Q: I am, er... Q-us. Q-us of Borg. You will be humiliated.
  Riker: You are the one in command of the Borg vessel?
  Q: The qube? <starts laughing his head off> Riker made a funny!
 Riker made a funny! No wait, that was me. Oh well. Bye!
  Riker: (angrily) Q!
  Q: Bleah! <sticks his tongue out>
 <Q disappears. The screen goes off.>
  Worf: They are hailing us again.
  Riker: On screen.
 <Picard appears on the screen in his Borg outfit.>
  Picard: Right! I heard that!
  Riker: Sorry.
  Picard: Sorry is irrelevant. Only Yahtzee matters.
  Riker: Huh?
  Picard: Wait, lemme check my script. <looks at the script> You
 will be assimilated.
  Worf: Come on, you didn't need the script for THAT.
  Riker: And who are you?
  Picard: Baldus. Baldus of Borg. Resistance is futile.
  All: <GASP!>

To be continued next month...

=========================================
 THE THINKING BORG'S GUIDE TO MOVING HOUSE
 =========================================
 By Wazzuus, the Practical guide to Borg Life and Lifestyles

   There will come a time in every Borg's life when it is
 apparent that the time is here to move to a new cube.  We may
 have assimilated too many new cube mates, or ordered too many
 specialty implants from the BORGIMPLEMENTS catalogue; it may have
 been too long since we've cleaned the oven. It may even have
 reached the point when there are no visible horizontal surfaces,
 and spilled colas-of-your-choice have glued large portions of the
 accumulated miscellany into a sturdy domestic conglomerate.
 Whatever the reason- from nasty vacuum leaks to a deep seated
 desire for a place off limits to Legos and Barney- one morning
 the need to change cube becomes an exigent reality instead of a
 casual thought. Of course, if the need is caused by a new
 assimilation project across the galaxy, one simply moves. There
 are complications- change of address cards come to mind- but they
 are nothing compared to the rococo and serpentine course one
 takes merely to get more room, or nicer wallpaper.
   The first complication is : Build, Buy, or Remodel? All of
 these have the defects of their advantages, and the advantages of
 their defects. Remodeling is especially complicated for the Borg
 residential unit. Geometry itself is responsible for this- adding
 rooms to a cube while keeping it a cube results in an increase in
 living space out of proportion with the needs and budgets of all
 but the most successful Borg. Then there is the major drawback
 for many average Borgs: if we remodel we do not escape the little
 marks which day-to-day life puts on our dwelling units- the marks
 where the outlet for the Cola supply got cross-threaded and
 sprayed the longitudinal corridor from section G through section
 R, the reminders of the beginners salad shooter implant class,
 the weakened exterior wall where interdimensional beings have
 been sapping the atomic weak force.
   We do not, in a word, move into a new clean shiny and
 unsullied cube but rather stay where we are and have to clean and
 repair: bummer.
   Buying a new cube, already built and ready to move into, is an
 apparently simple solution, but finding the right cube, in the
 right location, and without interior divisions apparently
 designed for Borgs from the counter universe, is difficult at
 best. Many of the difficulties result from the arcane rite known
 as financing, which is shared with Building the perfect cube.
 Financing is not necessary, provided one has assimilated credits
 along with organic units (or even better, instead of Biological
 units), or gone back in time and invested a small sum in a
 guaranteed investment on a planet where the economic history has
 been good (this is not foolproof, for as we know any small act of
 a time traveller may imbalance the time-space continuum).
 Otherwise, we must enter the sanctum sanctorum of the loan
 officer and have the innards of our credit records read and the
 future of our financial liabilities projected in the bloody
 process called loan approval.
   Having a new cube built to order is slightly more likely to
 result in a cube which is adapted to the unique needs of your
 Borg Residential Group but, alas, it opens one up to more
 interference from loan officers, intergalactic planning boards,
 previously unsuspected title entanglements, and don't EVEN
 get us started on the vagaries of contractors, subcontractors,
 and suppliers.
   All in all, it can be enough to make one long for a nice,
 deep, complicated cave system and a few good stone implants.

=============
 ADVERTISEMENT
 =============
 From Dawarren BBS

LITTLE MISS BORG
 ----------------
 --   Pull the string and she destroys entire planets without a
     second thought!
 --   Twist her arm and she fires lethal bolts of electricity!
 --   Squeeze her and she talks!

   "You will be assimilated"

--   Feed Little Miss Borg!  Watch her absorb energy right from
     the socket!
 --   Change her diapers!

Yes kids, the Little Miss Borg dolls!  Tell your folks that's
 what you want this Christmas!

   'Cause everybody loves LITTLE MISS BORG!

Hey, grown-ups!  Little Miss Borg is a great role model for your
 boy or girl!  Batteries not included.  Other dolls and
 accessories sold separately.


==================================
 STAR TREK: THE NEXT (de)GENERATION
 WHERE NO SANE MAN WOULD GO
 ==================================
 Original source and author unknown.
 Contributed by Dragon and reprinted from ZenTrek (AnarchyNet Sub
 moderated by Oxnardus of Borg.

                        PART SIX OF SIX:

[Picard scrabbles at the controls.  He programs the computer to
 connect to the holodeck's interprocess communication port, and
 extract the box/tape from the holodeck and place it on the
 transporter platform.  In moments, the box/tape appears, arcing
 wildly.  Picard punches in random coordinates frantically, and
 energizes.  The box/tape disappears. ]

  Picard: [Punching comm. panel]  Ensign Tsu!!
  Tsu: Yo!
  Picard: Get us out of here!!  Warp nine!!
  Tsu: But I want to see if she wins the bonus round...
 [ Picard curses, and rushes into the hallway.  He runs to a
 bridge-access turbolift, and suddenly remembers that the only way
 on to the main bridge is by turbolift.  Cursing again, he spins
 around and heads for engineering.]
 [ He manages to duck a salesman hawking something called
 MultiFinder, and phasers a few Writer's Guild workers picketing
 in the hallway.  He rounds another corner, and collides with a
 heavy-set man with glasses, and a pocket protector.  He is
 holding a thick tome of stapled pages. ]
  Man: Hi.  We're thinking of implementing the keyword 'noalias'.
 What do you think?  Not that what you think makes any
 difference....
  Picard: [Picking himself up]  Huh?
  Man: We're also going to make the string space read-only, and
 enforce parenthetical groupings in all cases.  We feel this will
 go a long way to make C a respected standard, like Pascal and
 Ada.
  Picard: What about binary constants?
  Man: Sorry, no way.  No prior art....
 [ PHWATT!!  Picard phasers him and the tome.  He continues
 running. In short order, he arrives at the door to engineering,
 and nearly runs into it, since it fails to open.  Picard waves
 his arms around, but nothing happens.  ]
  Picard: COMPUTER!
  Computer:Hi there!
  Picard: Open this door!
  Computer:[BINGGGGGGGGGG...]  Are you sure you want me to do
 that?
  Picard: YES!!!!
  Computer:Okay, you asked for it!
 [ Pshhhhhhhh!  Instantly, the corridor is inundated with water.
 Three men ride out in a bathtub, slapping each other. ]
  Man 1: You idiots!  [THUMP!  BONK!]
  Man 2&3:Oooff!
 [ Picard forces his way in to the nearest control console. ]
  Picard: Engineer!
  Engineer:Chief Engineer Frederick Y. Airhead here, sir.
  Picard: Start the main engines!
  Engineer:But we haven't unclogged the toilets yet.....
  Picard: I DON'T GIVE A SH*T!!!!
  Engineer:No, but the toilets will if we start the engines.
 [Into comm. panel]  How are you two making out down there?
  Female voice 1:Laverne!  Get your head out of the
 matter-antimatter reactor!
  Female voice 2:  I can't, Shirley!  My hairpins are caught!
 Hand me the magnetic scissors...
  Female voice 1:  You mean this?
  Female voice 2:  No!  Not that!  [BLAM!  static....]
  Picard: [Losing it]  START THE ENGINES!!  **NOW!!!**
  Engineer:[Capitulating]  Aye aye, sir.
 [ Airhead presses the engine start button.  Immediately, all the
 toilets on the Enterprise violently spew forth odiferous gunk.  A
 disgusting but nonetheless impressive sight.  ]
  Picard: Course is set!  WARP NINE, NOW!!!
  Engineer:But sir!....
  Picard: ***>>NOW, YOU FLATHEAD!!!<<***
 [ Airhead shuts his eyes tight, and presses a Big Red Button. ]
 CUT TO EXTERIOR REAR SHOT:
 [RumblerumbleburbleburblebucoughubbleBuSLOSHubbbubububBubUUBUBB..
 ..**SPLOWFFFF!!!!**  Water spurts out of every conceivable engine
 orifice.]
 [ fwEESH!!!   POOOWWWWWW!!!!! ]
  Picard: Computer!  Rear viewer!
  Computer:Righto!
 [ The ship diagram on the wall vanishes and is replaced by a view
 of the rear of the ship.  Stars streak off into the void at warp
 nine. Suddenly, the biggest, loudest, most impressive, and most
 expensive explosion ILM ever made goes off.  The entire ship is
 flooded with an intense white hazy light.  The ship rocks
 violently.  People are bouncing off the walls.  Sparks fly
 everywhere. ]
 CUT TO YAR'S BEDROOM.
  Troi:Oh, Umzadi!  In-CREDIBLE!
  Riker: [Smirking]  Uh, thanks.
 CUT TO EXTERNAL SHOT OF EXPLOSION EFFECTS.  ILM STRUTS THEIR
 STUFF LIKE NEVER BEFORE.  NOT A SINGLE MATTE LINE ANYWHERE!  AS
 THE EXPLOSION SUBSIDES, THE RESULTING CLOUD FORMS ITSELF INTO THE
 VAGUE SHAPE OF A CLOWN'S HEAD.  AND DESPITE THE TOTAL VACUUM OF
 SPACE, WE CAN BARELY MAKE OUT A VOICE, WHICH SEEMS TO UTTER, "I
 have complete faith in Ed Meese." SOON, ALL IS DARK AND SILENT.
 CUT BACK TO ENGINEERING.  PICARD IS LEANING AGAINST THE CONTROL
 PANEL.  HE AWAKENS, AND LOOKS ABOUT.
  Picard:[Shouting at ceiling]  Bridge!  Ensign Tsu!
  Ceiling:Aye, sir.
  Picard: Damage report.
  Ceiling:[Pause]  No damage, sir.
  Picard: No damage??  That's impossible!!
  Ceiling:With all due respect sir, so was everything else that
 happened in this kooky story.
  Picard: [Reflecting]  Hmmm.  Quite right, Ensign.  I'm on my
 way up.
 CUT TO BRIDGE.  THE ENTIRE BRIDGE CREW IS ASSEMBLED.  DATA IS IN
 ONE PIECE AGAIN.
  Picard:So the destruction of the Ferengi device caused all the
 chaos on the ship to spontaneously vanish and return to normal.
  Data: Correct, sir.  Since there was no logical foundation for
 the chaos to exist upon, the anomalies vanished when the Ferengi
 device was destroyed.
  Picard: Hmmmm...  Do you suppose that they may try again?
  Data: Unknown.
  Riker: I certainly hope not.  What do you think, Deanna?
 [ Troi says nothing; she just keeps purring and petting Riker. ]
  Worf: I think the Ferengi will not try again.  They do not have
 the necessary bravery.
  Picard: Yes, Worf.  You were unaffected.  Aren't Klingons
 susceptible to stupidity?
  Worf: [Shakes head]  Klingons are immune to all forms of human
 weakness.
  Geordi: Except, it would seem, ethnocentricity.
  Picard: We may have a great deal to learn from you, Worf.  It
 would seem that we, as a race, have a great deal of maturing to
 do.  Data, lay in a course for Starbase One.  We're in serious
 need of some R&R.
  Data: Course plotted and laid in, sir.
  Picard: Engage.
 [ Freedlezrowp! ]
  Riker: What about the Robinson family?
  Picard: What about them?
  Riker: Well, are we going to keep them on board, or what?
  Data: I'd like to keep the Robot, if I may.  It could prove
 most intriguing.
  Picard:Absolutely not!  I'm having them transferred to the USS
 Scuttlebucket, which will land them on Earth in about eight
 months. It'll give them time to get a clue.
  Geordi: What about The Doctor and Mel?
  Data: Mel disappeared with the Ferengi device.  The Doctor
 regenerated into a different actor with much better fashion
 sense, entered his blue box, and disappeared.
  Picard: Good.  I didn't have much use for them.
 [ FOOMP!  A lemon meringue pie lands squarely on Wesley's head.
 Picard eyes him with some regard. ]
  Riker: It was Data's idea sir.  He's still exploring the nature
 of human humor.
  Picard: Excellent, Data!  You're beginning to get the idea.
  Wesley: I'm going to sell you for scrap, Data.
  Picard: Shut up, Wesley.
 [ Riker smirks. ]
  Picard: And don't smirk, Number One.
  Riker: Sir.
  Picard: And *stop* hunching your head between your shoulders!
 T H E    E N D
 (Thank God!)

============
 COMICOGRAPHY
 ============
 by Swannox

STAR TREK, DEEP SPACE NINE #4
 -----------------------------
   The Television Series is Superior Fiction on television, and
 as far as current Star Trek Comic Books go, Deep Space Nine is
 superior to the other versions of Trek.  HOWEVER....(you had to
 see it coming.) Deep Space Nine as a comic has a long way to go
 as far as script writing. The First two issues were very good,
 however the third, while having potential seemed to let me down.
   This current Issue of DS9 while having great potential as a
 story seemed to let me down.  First place, the action seems to
 move far too fast for my pleasure, jumping from scene to scene
 far to fast.
   My second gripe is that the characters do not seem themselves
 at times. If I read Quark referring to his bar as "Honest
 Quark's" one more time... and Character Development or better
 yet, PLOT DEVELOPMENT.  It's only four issues old, however while
 established characters, some development needs to take place
 instead of 2-D figures on paper...and the plot seems to come to
 the conclusion all of the sudden as if they rushed the story
 along to get to the 24 pages they are limited to.

This aside....

Issue #4
 Emancipation   Part 1
 Writer:        Mike W. Barr

   While cruising in the gamma quadrant, and amidst Dr. Bashir
 trying to score in the back of the runabout with Dax, the duo
 comes across a rather big but mostly junker of a vessel, with a
 primitive cloaking device, and inferior tractor beam.
   After finding the ship full of dying aliens, Dax brings them
 back to DS9 where Bashir takes care of them.  Their injuries
 let the DS9 crew to figure out that they were slaves and the
 aliens admit it is true and ask for asylum.
   They then cruise the station like teenagers in a shopping
 mall. The alien owners then come after them and request their
 property back.  At the same time a few of the aliens tell Dax of
 a legendary planet and she finds it (of course) in this quadrant.
   Some of aliens steal a runabout and head off for this planet,
 which is their legendary home.
   [Editor's Comment: This plot line appears to be very similar
 to the Deep Space episode "Sanctuary", where the Skreel (or
 whatever) decide that Bajor is their legendary ancestral
 homeland. The Skreel go around the space station picking up stuff
 and one takes a ship without authorization to land on Bajor.]
   There are a couple of plot twists that I have left out of the
 review that should be, I try to leave some of the story as a
 mystery in the event that someone might go out and read this.
 The story is improving and I figure that it's just a new book,
 new to the story, etc.  The art is solid, much better than that
 of DC Comics Trek Books.  I will say this, they almost have Odo
 down pat.

Next Review.......Emancipation part 2


========================================================
 SUBSCRIPTION SERVICE & LISTING OF RIF DISTRIBUTION SITES
 ========================================================
   If you have an e-mail address at InterNet, Genie, NVN,
 Prodigy, AOL, Compu-serve, or FidoNet (or anything that has a
 gateway to any of these services), you can get on the RIF
 subscription list and have RIF sent to you via e-mail each month.
 Just e-mail your request to Oxnardus and your name will be put on
 the list. If you are not on GEnie, be sure to send your InterNet
 address.
   Also, if you are a SysOp and you'd like to be a distribution
 site for RIF, please contact Oxnardus of Borg (addresses given
 below).
   BBS distribution centers:

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 Oxnard, CA
 SysOp: Oxnardus
 (private BBS)

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 SysOp: Ripley
 [phone]

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 SysOp: NightOwl
 [phone]

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 SysOp: Leonard Richardson
 [phone]

THE CONTINUUM BBS
 ?, OK
 SysOp: The Q
 [phone]

==============
 EDITOR NOTICES
 ==============
   The Borg Club is located EVERYWHERE. If you wish to be
 assimilated just ask a local Borg to do so, or do it yourself.
 There is no shame in being a self-made borg. We are sure they are
 many who would be more than happy to assimilate you quickly and
 painlessly, not to mention take your culture and technology from
 you as well.

=================
 COPYRIGHT NOTICES
 =================
 "RIF" acknowledges that Paramount Pictures and its various
 subsidiaries as having the sole rights to the Star Trek
 trademark. "RIF" has no intention to infringe upon that copyright
 or earn profit from this publication. It is distributed free of
 charge. This newsletter may be distributed by anyone if kept
 intact and not altered in any way. Consider it shareware
 publishing! Resistance is Futile, copyright (c) 1994 by RIF BBS.


=================================
 SOLICITATIONS FOR NEXT NEWSLETTER
 =================================
 The next Resistance is Futile will be released on or about
 February 1, 1994 (yeah, right!). It shall commemorate the boffo
 second year of the International Borg Club's existence. Send
 submissions to Oxnardus, Ripley, or Swannox at the addresses
 notated below for consideration for a future issue. "RIF" is a
 non-profit fan publication. All submissions for publication
 should be sent to the editors. The editors retain editorial
 control and reprint privileges over the submitted materials and
 reserve the right to use the material in whatever way they deem
 appropriate. Submitted materials will not be returned to the
 sender.

============================
 BACK ISSUES OF RIF AVAILABLE
 ============================
 Missing an issue? Just e-mail Oxnardus which issue you want.
 After three requests or 30 days has passed (whichever comes
 first!) that issue will be sent to you via InterNet or GEnie e-
 mail. If you do not have access to InterNet or any InterNet
 gateways, just send $1.00 per issue (for handling and postage) to
 RIF BBS, P.O. Box 7822, Oxnard, CA 93031. Please indicate which
 issue you desire.  All back issues are available!


=========================
 ADDRESSES OF CONTRIBUTORS
 =========================
 EDITORS:
 -------
  OXNARDUS:GEnie:K.Taborn; Prodigy:HCMH17A; InterNet:
 [e-mail]; FidoNet: Oxnardus @ 1:206/2513;
 VirtualNet: 197 @ 1805020; WWIVNet: Oxnardus 115 @ 8500;
 AnarchyNet: Oxnardus @ 42:1005/1201; RipCity BBS: Oxnardus;
 RIME:Kym Taborn; US Mail: RIF BBS, P.O. Box 7822, Oxnard, CA
 93031
  RIPLEY:Genie:M.Samuels1; Prodigy:NRCR88A; NVN:Msamuels;
 InterNet: [e-mail]; RipCity BBS: Ripley; US
 Mail: RIF BBS, P.O. Box 7822, Oxnard, CA 93031
   SWANNOX:Internet:[e-mail]; RIF BBS: Swannox;
 Bitnet: Swann1@MUVMS6; Prodigy: JPRN49A

CONTRIBUTORS:
 ------------
  DRAGON:[SysOp: The Dragon's Realm - (805) 524-DRGN (3746)];
 AnarchyNet: Dragon @ 42:1005/1203; RIPCITY: The Dragon
  LEONARD RICHARDSON: SySop: Da Warren BBS [phone]
  LUXOR OF BORG: InterNet:[e-mail]
  WAZZUUS OF BORG: InterNet: [e-mail]; AOL: juliaellen





Path: newserv.ksu.ksu.edu!moe.ksu.ksu.edu!vixen.cso.uiuc.edu!howland.reston.ans.net!darwin.sura.net!wvnvms!marshall.wvnet.edu!swann1
Newsgroups: rec.arts.startrek.current
Subject: BORG NEWSLETTER #17
Message-ID: <1994Apr21.235147.5745@muvms6>
From: [e-mail]
Date: 21 Apr 94 23:51:47 EDT
Organization: Marshall University
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BBS Subscribers: Please compress this text file and distribute it through
your boards.

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    * |  S ~~~~~~~  /         *|  I  |      *| T       \
    * |  T  ____    \         *|  S  |      *| I   ____/
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      *****          **** **************     *****
                          P.O. Box 7822
                        Oxnard, CA 93031
 THE OFFICIAL ORGAN OF THE INTERGALACTIC BORG CONSCIOUSNESS
 ISSUE NUMBER 17
 February 1994

RESISTANCE IS FUTILE ("RIF") is published and edited by Oxnardus,
 Ripley, and Swannox for distribution on international, national
 and local electronic services, bulletin board conferences, and
 databases. Address listings, copyright notices, editorial
 notices, and information on back issues are printed at the end of
 this newsletter. All correspondence should be sent by e-mail to
 Oxnardus, Ripley, or Swannox (addresses given at end of
 newsletter) or mailed to "Resistance is Futile", P.O. Box 7822,
 Oxnard, CA 93031.

=========
 CONTENTS
 =========
 INCREDIBLY DEPRESSING NEWS (BUT WITH A HAPPY ENDING!)
 TWO YEARS OF COLLECTIVISM AND SATIRE
 YOU WILL BE ASSIMILATED: What to Watch
 FROM THE TEMPLE
 BEST OF BOTH CURLS, Part 1 of 2
 STAR TREK COMICOLOGY: DS9 #5: Emancipation Part II
 SUBSCRIPTION SERVICE & LISTING OF RIF DISTRIBUTION SITES
 Editorial Notices
 Copyright Notices
 Solicitations for next newsletter
 Back issues of RIF available
 Addresses of contributors

=====================================================
 INCREDIBLY DEPRESSING NEWS (BUT WITH A HAPPY ENDING!)
 =====================================================
   Two things really. The first piece of depressing news was the
 Northridge Earthquake in Southern California (USA).  Although
 Oxnard is about 50 miles away from the quake's epicenter, my hard
 drive was a victim of the disaster. At first, panic ensued. But
 then a friend, Trilleth (whom has never contributed to this fine
 newsletter -- but this fact doesn't in any way detract from her
 being a wonderful and generous person), allowed me to finish this
 issue on her computer. Furthermore, I lost data on a mailing list
 for back issues. I've been to reconstruct some of the list.
 However, I am not too sure who has been sent copies and who have
 not. I will send out back issues as soon as possible. To those I
 am not to sure whether they have received them or not, I will e-
 mail them asking them to confirm whether they have received the
 back issues. I apologize for this inconvenience, but when those
 tectonic plates want to move, they move, and unfortunately, I
 move with them!
   The second piece of depressing news was that this was to be
 the boffo 2nd borgiversary DOUBLE issue -- now it isn't. I have
 trimmed it down to a regular size because of the pandemonium of
 surviving a 6.6 earthquake.
   The happy ending? I replaced my 89 MEG hard drive with a 245
 MG hard drive and I am back in business. I have a few bent plants
 and a few broken mugs, but RIF goes on.
 --Oxnardus, of Sunny Semi-Tropical, Semi-Liquid Oxnard
  Editor-in-Chief, of this fine newsletter

====================================
 TWO YEARS OF COLLECTIVISM AND SATIRE
 ====================================
   If someone would have told us that on February 17, 1992, we
 would be for two years collecting and distributing Borg jokes,
 satires, inborgation, and other hi-jinks, we would have told them
 they were quite plainly insane. Well, it turns out we were
 perhaps the ones insane.
   The International Borg Club began February 17, 1992 on Prodigy
 in the Arts Bulletin Board, Science Fiction Topic. We, ourselves,
 assimilated February 18, 1992. We began as a single borg unit and
 clawed our way up the collective to finally serving as the Big
 Cahuna for a year and a half and then retiring. Our only official
 duties to the collective remain as chief editor of our unifying
 and persistent newsletter "Resistance is Futile".
   "Resistance is Futile" is now circulated in at least five
 countries and read monthly by an estimated audience of at least
 5,000. We are distributed over international and national
 electronic services and over 25 electronic bulletin boards around
 the world. It is distributed free of charge and is created by
 volunteers and amateur writers from all over the world. Without
 the support of the readers and writers, all those Borg jokes
 would have never been shared by so many. The world would truly be
 a lesser place for that. On this second anniversary of the
 International Borg Club, we thank and applaud all those who have
 supported this newsletter and club through times good and bad.
 Thank you.
   As an interactive club, the Borg Club has had it's ups and
 downs. The usual pattern has been outbursts of activity followed
 by a period of inactivity. We have received reports of Borg
 Bistros and Borg Blues Clubs being opened up on several bulletin
 boards across the country, as well as on Prodigy, the Ur-home of
 the Borg Club. You can't keep a good club down. The Borg Club
 only exists because of the stubbornness of it's members and
 supporters to have fun. That this has been sustained for two
 years is a monument to the obvious need of people to get together
 and be goofy about Star Trek. And the Borg Club is goofy in it's
 very essence.
   This issue was to be the 2nd Borgiversary Double Issue, but
 the earthquake shook that idea right out of us. However, we hope
 you enjoy the following issue.
 --Oxnardus, Editor in Chief

=======================
 YOU WILL BE ASSIMILATED
 =======================
 What's Wrong With This Picture?
 -------------------------------
 Episode:  I Borg
   Setup: Riker, Worf and Bev, the Dancing Doctor, take a little
 away party to this icerock of a planet to answer a distress
 signal. How come they are not wearing any winter gear? Also, you
 can hear the wind howling in the background; how come you cannot
 see the wind effecting Riker and the crew--not a hair out of
 place.

Terminology Update
 ------------------
   In the liner notes in the Star Trek Next Generation Compact
 Disc of the Original Music from Best of Both Worlds Part 1 and 2,
 the Borg Collective is also referred to as Borg Central
 Intelligence.

You Will Be Assimilated (it's just a fact of life)
 --------------------------------------------------
   Welcome to another fun filled edition of You Will Be
 Assimilated, the column dedicated to helping you, the new raw
 material, become useful productive little facets of the Borg
 Collective.  This month's column will cover what to do with your
 time when Star Trek isn't on.
   Science Fiction Fans now more than ever have a larger source
 of weekly programming to give that sci-fi fix.

Star Trek (TOS)
 ---------------
   To this day, the best of the best.  Classic Characters with
 Kirk, McCoy, and Spock.  The Franchise will never die it seems
 and watching Trek Rerun's hundred times over never get old.

Star Trek: The Next Generation
 ------------------------------
   Most Markets offer this program in weekly reruns and after
 this season, The Next Generation will not be in it's current
 form. The Movie ReAlm is the next stop for NCC 1701-D.

Star Trek: Deep Space Nine
 --------------------------
   More original in concept than Next Generation, this Spinoff
 has shown that it is a contender with a TOS type humor and the
 relationship between Odo and Quark.  The Universe beyond the
 wormhole gives DS9 an edge over The Next Generation.

Time Trax
 ---------
   In 2193 the Police Discover why all their criminals have been
 turning up missing. They are in the past. So Darrian Lambert and
 his artificial intelligent computer Selma track down the future
 fugitives in the 20th Century.  Produced by Harve Bennett, the
 same man who gave us Star Trek II. You can see the quality and
 the solid scripts in this work.

Babylon Five
 ------------
   Deep Space Nine Clone Right?  Actually, the folks who bring us
 this new show came up with the concept of a Space Station Show
 before Berman and the Star Trek Franchise.  The UN of the stars,
 it's the very loose glue holding together five alien empires.
 Nice Visual Look with the Video Toaster. With some good scripts,
 this will be a winner. It will last longer than Space Rangers
 did.

Viper
 -----
   Super Car, Man with new Identity. The Goal: Rid the Streets of
 Crime. Didn't NBC do this before?  While it looks like Knight
 Rider, The Viper Car is not the Knight Industries 2000.  However
 a solid cast and good acting should make this show a winner.

Sea Quest DSV
 -------------
   Voyage to the Bottom of the Sea for the 90's.  (Anyone
 remember that show with the flying sub?)  More accurate is Star
 Trek meets The Hunt for Red October. Nice Visual Look and that
 Roy guy makes it a winner. However, this is my personal opinion.
 Darwin=Data; Lucus=Wesley; Doctor=Beverly Crusher; Security=Worf;
 1st officer=Riker; Get the point?

Lois and Clark, The Adventures of Superman
 ------------------------------------------
   It's a love story, No it's a action story, no it's a drama.
 Look up in the sky, it's a Bird, no, it's a plane, no, It's a guy
 in red and blue tights! This is The Superman we always wanted to
 see.  The Cast is very solid and worth the watch.  Note, This
 comes on at the same time as Sea Quest.  Best Bet: tape one and
 watch the other.

Action Pack
 -----------
   This will be an anthology series, featuring two hour movie
 episodes on a rotation.  The first episode is Tekwar, the brain
 child of William Shatner.  To come to Shatner's defense, The Tek
 series has proven very popular.  I myself have almost finished
 the original novel TekWar and it was well written.  Shatner is
 directing this and before you flip down to the next article,
 Shatner in directing Trek 5 gave into Paramount more than
 anything, so the film you saw was not what Shatner had in mind.
 Other features in this anthology series include Vanishing Son,
 Hercules, Bandit, Another Midnight Run, Fastlane (John Landis).
 TV Guide rated Tekwar as a knockout.

Robocop
 -------
   The First Movie, Toned down for TV.

Star Trek: Voyager
 ------------------
   ?????????????????  Coming in January 1995.

  Note, while TV Guide beat RIF to press, This was put together
 independently before and during (with some added info) the week
 that TV Guide released there Special Sci-Fi issue.
  My Recommendation, set a couple of VCR's for this season.

===============
 FROM THE TEMPLE
 ===============
 by Olymonk
   The sanctuary is clean but the smell of polish and the clean
 altar are not good signs. No one has come for too many days, no
 one has touched the any key since it was dusted and put in
 stasis.
   A single chiming note, and the screen above the altar begins
 to glow, faintly and then with a light which touches the furthest
 corners of the temple. A smiling monitor appears, then a black
 desktop with a single folder icon at its center.
   The black robed priestess appears, glittering faintly. She
 kneels before the keyboard and touches the any key, whereby the
 folder opens and these words scroll across the screen.
   FOR AS WE WERE GIVEN THE GREAT GIFT OF SPEAKING ACROSS
 DISTANCES, TO FIND THE SIBLINGS OF OUR HEARTS, LET US GIVE THANKS
 TO THE PHYSICAL AND CHEMICAL PROPERTIES OF SILICON, WITHOUT WHICH
 WE WOULD BE SILENT AND ALONE.
   AT THIS TIME OF NEW STARTS, LET US PURGE OUR HARD DISKS OF ALL
 THAT IS SUPERSEDED BY A NEW AND BETTER VERSION, OF ALL THAT IS
 NEEDLESSLY REDUNDANT, OF ALL THAT IS INCOMPATIBLE WITH OUR LATEST
 SYSTEM.
   LET US BACK UP EVERYTHING ON FLOPPY OR TAPE, AND LEAVE ON THE
 HARD DISK ONLY THAT WHICH IS ESSENTIAL TO OUR EVERYDAY
 OPERATIONS. LET US THEREBY LEAVE ROOM FOR NEW DOWNLOADS, AND YEA
 EVEN FOR NEW CDI GAMES WHICH WILL BRIGHTEN OUR MOMENTS OFFLINE.
   LET US FIND, WHILE WE DO THIS, THE LOST DOCUMENTS AND
 FORGOTTEN ADDRESSES OF SIBLINGS WHO WE HAVE NOT FORGOTTEN, AND
 WHEN WE DO THIS LET US WRITE THEM BEFORE WE GET DISTRACTED.
   LET US IN THIS NEW YEAR SAVE THAT WHICH ENRICHES OUR LIVES,
 AND BY WHICH WE ENRICH THE LIVES OF OTHERS, AND DELETE THE
 FEEDBACK LOOPS WHICH STEAL OUR ENERGY AND MAKE US A BURDEN TO OUR
 FELLOW BEINGS.
   TO THAT GREAT NET WHICH BINDS US AND FREES US, WE PRAY
   ENTER, AND RETURN.
   The monk turns and leaves the sanctuary, the last two lines
 left glowing on the screen.

==========================
 BEST OF BOTH CURLS, Part 2
 ==========================
 Hareware Productions proudly presents
 "The Best of Both Curls, Part 2"
 A parody of the greatest ST:TNG yet, "The Best of Both Worlds,
 Part 2"  The live studio audience left, sorry.

SHAMELESS PLUG:
 Call Da Warren BBS & Grill at [phone] for lots more like
 it!
 ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
  "Last Time" Voice: Last time, on Silly Trek: The Next
 Generation!
 <Cut to the bridge>
  Riker: (running hands through his hair) Are you SURE I'm not
 thinning out on top?
 <Cut to a view of a totally blank planet. Written in big black
 letters are the words "BORG WUZ HERE 43985.2">
 <The bridge again. Two Borg beam in. They grab Picard.>
  Picard: (waves at Riker) No! It's him you want! Him!
 <The Borg disappear with Picard.>
 <Cut to Riker talking to Picard in his Borg outfit on the
 viewscreen.>
  Riker: Who are you?
  Picard: Baldus. Baldus of Borg. Resistance is futile.
  All: <GASP!>
  "And Now" Voice: And now, the exciting...well, sort of
 exciting...funny...silly...typed conclusion!
 <Cut to Riker's face>
  Riker: Oh no! First I lose all my hair--
  Everyone Else on the Bridge: You haven't lost it YET!
  Riker: All right, I'll put that in second place. First the only
 person that gives me any character purpose--
  Troi: <ahem>
  Riker: Besides you! The only person besides Troi that gives me
 any character purpose gets kidnapped and turned into a Borg, and
 then I lose all--
  Everyone Else on the Bridge: You haven't lost it YET!
  Riker: I'm going to if you keep interrupting! Okay, forget my
 dramatic speech! Let's just think of something to do!
  Worf: We could fire on them.
  Riker: Yeah, but Picard's on board!
  Worf: So what? It would help the ratings.
  Data: We could have a turbolift-stuffing contest.
  Riker: We did that when Picard got kidnapped, it didn't even
 get any camera time!
  Ensign Smith: We could kill an ensign. Agh! <falls over dead>
  Riker: We could tie up Troi and--
  Troi: No we couldn't.
  Riker: Yeah we could!
  Troi: You could, but you better not.
  Data: We could beat up on Wesley.
 <They all look around for Wesley, but he is nowhere to be found.>
  Riker: Hm... how about a musical number?
  Worf: Okay! <pulls out a tuba>
 <Everyone on the bridge stands up. Riker pulls out a rubber duck
 and begins to sing "Rubber Ducky," everyone else sings harmony.>
  Riker: Rubber Ducky, you're the one! <squeak, squeak> You make
 bathtime lots of fun! <squeak, squeak> Rubber Ducky, you're my
 very very very best friend! Rubber Ducky, you're so fine!
 <squeak, squeak> I'm so glad that you're mine--
 <The Borg ship fires. Everyone goes flying across the room.>
  Baldus: Hey! Look alive! Do I have to do everything to advance
 the plot?
  Riker: That does it! Worf, fire the phasers!
 <Worf does.>
  Worf: No visible or detectable effect on the Borg.
  Riker: Why am I not surprised? <taps communicator> Geordi, is
 that deflector thingy working?
  Geordi (over communicator): What deflector thingy?
  Riker: The deflector thingy that you were supposed to have
 thought up in part 1!
  Geordi: Hey, it was my idea to go to 7-11, gimme a break. All
 right, I'll work on a deflector thingy. What should I call it?
  Riker: How about the Geordi Deflector Thingy?
  Geordi: Okay, the GDT. I'll get to work on it right away.
  Baldus: Hurry up! It should be done by now!
  Geordi: Okay, it's done.
  Riker: That quick?
  Geordi: I know the writer.
  Riker: Fire the deflector thingy!
  Geordi: Nonono, it's not something you fire! It adds a hold
 button to all the phones!
  Riker: AAAAAARGH! Make a deflector thingy that you can fire!
  Geordi: All right, all right. <crashing sounds> There.
  Riker: Fire!
 <Shot of the Enterprise. Through the miracle of great special
 effects, the GDT MK II fires upon the Borg ship, which blows up.>
  Riker: Oops.
  Worf: Whaddaya mean, oops? We blew up the Borg ship!
  Riker: Yeah, but we're not even to 100 lines yet.
 <<COMMERCIAL BREAK>>
 <The conference room.>
  Riker: And so we now have nothing to go on for the rest of the
 parody. The Borg are gone.
  Troi: And so is Picard.
  Riker: Who's gonna keep Leonard in line, that's what I'd like
 to know.
 <Suddenly Q appears in a clown suit>
  Q: Bleah! <throws a pie at Riker and disappears>
  Riker: See what I mean? Take away Picard for one minute and
 everything falls apart!
  Data: We should go to Wolf 359 to tell the armada that we blew
 up the Borg ship.
  Worf: (waking up) Huh? Did someone say my name?
  Data: I said Wolf, not Worf.
  Worf: Oh. I knew that. <goes back to sleep>
 <The holodeck. Everyone is gathered around an empty coffin,
 sipping punch and eating cookies.>
  Worf: Not much of a funeral without the body, is it? <sip>
  Riker: Nope. Nothing like a body to spice up a funeral.
  Crusher: Hmm, these cookies are good.
 <Suddenly Data walks out in front of the coffin in a priest's
 outfit.>
  Data: Dearly beloved, we are gathered here today to mourn the
 passing of our captain. Actually, it is just an excuse to drink
 punch and eat cookies, since we all know that Leonard will have
 him back with us by the end of the parody. With that in mind, I
 would like to say a few things. First, he left no will.
 <General chaos.>
  Data: Second, I have already claimed his Slurpee. You can not
 have it.
 <A riot breaks out. Someone starts throwing cookies.>
  Ensign Notinvited: (over communicator) Sir, we have reached
 Wolf 359.
  Worf: Hey! I heard that!
  Riker: My hair's starting to fall out under all this stress!
 <The bridge>
  Riker: Hail the armada, Mr. Worf.
  Worf: What's an armada?
  Riker: Look it up!
 <Long pause>
  Riker: What's taking so long?
  Worf: How do you spell it?
  Riker: The ships! Hail the ships!
  Worf: Well, why didn't you say so?
 <Adm. Hanson appears on the screen.>
  Riker: We destroyed the Borg ship.
  Adm. Hanson: Where's Picard?
  Riker: We... er... destroyed him too.
  Adm. Hanson: I don't believe you!
  Riker: We did! We have pictures!
  Adm. Hanson: I don't think you're really Riker! I think you're
 a Borg spy!
  Riker: I am not! A Borg spy would have more hair!
  Adm. Hanson: Okay, if you're the real Commander Riker, what's
 my mother's maiden name?
  Riker: Um...Jacaranda.
  Adm. Hanson: Wrong! Trick question! I don't have a mother!
  Riker: You expect me to believe that?
  Adm. Hanson: Who cares, it's just a tactic to get the armada to
 attack you!
  Worf: What's an armada?
 <Suddenly the ship gets hit by it. Everyone goes flying. As Data
 flies through the air he considers buying nose tweezers, for no
 reason that he can readily determine.>
  Data: How odd. I just considered buying nose tweezers for no
 reason that I can readily determine.
  Riker: This means something!
  Troi: It's a clue!
  Geordi: Picard's still alive!
  Data: Actually, I think it's just a plug for Tim's Tweezers.
 They sponsored us you know.
  Tim: (suddenly appearing) Yes! For all your tweezer needs, it's
 Tim's Tweezers to the rescue! We've got big tweezers, little
 tweezers, medium tweezers! Nose tweezers! Toenail tweezers!
 Eyelash tweezers! Ear tweezers! If you need to be tweezed, we've
 got the tweezers!
 <As he speaks he produces an enormous briefcase and dumps all
 manner of tweezers on the floor. Tasha appears and phasers him.
 Tasha disappears.>
  Riker: Darn! We almost had it!
 <Suddenly everybody goes flying again.>
  Data: Shields at 16% and failing!
  Riker: We've got to convince them that we're not the Borg in
 disguise!
  Geordi: Shouldn't be that hard.
  Data: I know! We will trot out Wesley!
  Troi: Yeah! Not even the Borg would want Wesley!
  Geordi: But then he'd have saved the ship again!
  Riker: And we'd have to put it in the Wesley Saves the Ship
 archives! #51!
  Data: I have a plan. Hail the armada, Mr. Worf.
  Worf: I would if you'd tell me what it was! Is it some kind of
 big insect or something?
  Riker: It's the ships out there that are attacking us!
  Worf: Oh, OK. <pushes some buttons. Adm. Hanson appears on the
 screen.>
  Adm. Hanson: And how are my favorite Borg spies?
  Riker: We're not Borg spies!
  Adm. Hanson: Honest?
  Riker: Cross our hearts!
  Adm. Hanson: Oh, all right, sorry. <the rumbling ceases.>
  Data: My plan was better!
  Riker: What was it?
  Data: I was going to get a machine gun and blow people's heads
 off with nubile, half-naked women hanging onto my arms and
 panting.
  Riker: That only works for Patrick Swayze! You should be
 grateful my plan worked as well as it did!
  Worf: But we still don't have the captain!
  Riker: Maybe we should go back to where the Borg ship was and
 look for clues.
 <Space. The final frontier. The Enterprise zooms into the shot
 and suddenly stops for no reason. Well, the Borg ship blocking
 their way might have something to do with it.>
 <The bridge.>
  Riker: Hey! We blew them up with the GDT!
  Geordi: Yeah, but the captain knew about the plan! They must
 have taken the knowledge out of his brain and used it for their
 own evil purposes!
  Riker: How could Picard know about it? You didn't make it up
 until after he'd been kidnapped!
  Borg Ship: Oops. <blows up again>
  Riker: And stay that way! And now, to find Picard!
  Worf: But sir, he just blew up! Again! <grunt>
  Riker: I knew that! Um... he must have survived the explosion
 somehow!
 <Cut to the inside of the turbolift. Baldus is hanging onto the
 ceiling in his Borg suit.>
  Baldus: Hi, guys. I'm gonna play a little joke on the bridge
 crew.
 <At that moment Troi walks into the turbolift. Baldus drops down
 beside her.>
  Baldus: You will be assimilated.
  Troi: EEEEEEEK! I'm so frightened! <gives Baldus a miniature
 Snickers bar>
  Baldus: What was that for?
  Troi: Trick or treat, stupid.
  Baldus: But I'm Baldus of Borg!
  Troi: How cute!
  Baldus: Grrrr...
 <A hallway. Lots of kids are trick-or-treating. Baldus walks down
 the hall, knocking on each door and demanding candy.
  Science Officer: Aren't you a little old to be trick-or-
 treating?
  Baldus: Resistance is futile.
 <Suddenly Riker runs down the hallway with a security team!>
  Riker: All right you, get to sickbay!
  Baldus: What for?
  Riker: Because anyone who dresses up like a Borg for Halloween
 and goes down the hallways of the Enterprise tricking-and-
 treating has to have SOMETHING wrong with him!
  Baldus: I am Baldus of Borg.
  Riker: Oh, I thought you looked familiar! <taps communicator> I
 found him!
 <Sickbay. Baldus is lying on the biobed.>
  Crusher: (running scans on him) There's good news and bad news.
  Baldus: What's the bad news?
  Crusher: You're overage, overweight, overbald, and
 overautomated.
  Baldus: What's the good news?
  Crusher: I get paid by the hour!
  Baldus: Look, why not just pull off all the wires and I'll be
 boring old Picard again?!?!
  Crusher: Because we have to drag this thing out!
  Baldus: WHY?!? It's already over 200!
  Crusher: Good point. But we need a snappy solution.
  Troi: I sense that he's fighting the instinct to be a Borg and
 run around and kill people and only have 2 lines!
  Crusher: Hey, where'd you come from?
 <Tasha appears, holding her phaser.>
  Troi: Um... I came in through the doors... when you weren't
 looking!
 <Tasha disappears.>
  Crusher: Well, if he's fighting the instinct to... to do what
 you said, why hasn't he broken free by now?
  Troi: Because he's helpless to do anything about it!
  Baldus: Actually, it's because Borgs get free Mercedes.
 Starship captains only get Chrysler minivans!
  Crusher: <taps communicator> Riker! We've found the problem! We
 can use the Borg's collective intelligence against them!
  Riker: (over communicator) How?
  Crusher: By wrecking Baldus' Mercedes!
 <A Borg ship. Riker and Data beam over.>
  Riker: Where's the parking lot?
  Data: This whole ship looks like a parking lot.
 <Suddenly they see a sign: "Parking lot: Maximum occupation 20000
 vehicles.">
  Riker: Waitaminute! How can we be on board the Borg ship if it
 blew up? Twice!
  Data: We went back in time.
  Riker: Oh yeah, we did didn't we. We'd like to apologize to the
 viewer at home if this causes any confusion. See, we travelled
 back in time to wreck Baldus' Mercedes so that he would want to
 be a starship captain again.
  Data: I believe I have found Baldus' car.
  Riker: How can you tell?
  Data: The license plate says "BALDUS".
  Riker: Good! Now let's wreck it!
 <They take out sledgehammers and smash the car to smithereens>
  Data: That should do it.
  Riker: Back to the Enterprise!
 <Sickbay.>
  Picard: Argh! I thought that becoming a Borg would help me grow
 hair! But it didn't!
  Riker: That reminds me! <runs off screaming>
  Troi: Wait a minute!
  All: What?
  Troi: We never found out why the parody was called "The Best of
 Both Curls!"
  Crusher: I think it's a Picard joke.
  Picard: I think it's an O'Brien joke.
  Data: I think it's a lousy joke.
  Picard: So do we, Mr. Data.
 <Suddenly lots of photographers come into sickbay and begin
 taking pictures.>
  Picard: What's this?!?!
  Photographer: We're taking the cast picture for the 4th season!
  All: Hey! Riker! Get your butt over here!
  Riker: (from offstage) No! I'm not going on camera again until
 I get my hair back!
  Geordi: I think he needs help.
  Troi: I think he needs hair plugs.
  Picard: I think he needs a meaningful character.
  Data: Maybe he could get another character and have his own
 spinoff series.
  Geordi: Yeah! The wacky adventures of a replicator that can
 detect traitors on board, and synthesizes them SPAM no matter
 what they order!
  All: Nah.
  Picard: Okay everybody, we'll discuss new roles in the next
 staff meeting. That's a wrap! Out! Out!
 <Everybody leaves. The camera rolls on the empty set until there
 is a crash and the camera falls over and breaks.>

THE END!!!!

====================
 STAR TREK COMICOLOGY
 ====================
 By Swannox of Borg

Deep Space Nine  Issue #5: Emancipation Part II
 -----------------------------------------------
  Writer: Mike W. Barr; Editor: Tom Manson and Mark Paniccia;
 Penciler: Gordon Purcell; Inker: Terry Pallot; Letterer: Dave
 Lanphear; Published by Malibu Comics.
  PLOT: Part II of Emancipation starts off as Dax and O'Brien
 race to board a runabout and stop two of the Chiaran slaves in
 their attempt to destroy the Wormhole.  The two young slaves
 believe that this will free their people from the slave masters.
 O'Brien and Dax intercept the stolen runabout in the wormhole and
 prevent it's destruction.
   The slave masters try to negotiate for the slaves return.  An
 incident in Quarks bar almost kills the Captain of the slave
 masters and his slave is killed.  She happens to be the mother of
 the two young slaves who stole the runabout.  Captain Rogon
 decides to allow the slaves to stay.
   As preparations are being made to send the slaves to a planet
 that they claim is there original homeworld, some of the members
 of Captain Rogon's ship decide to mutiny and take the slaves.  A
 battle between DS9 and the Slave Master's Ship takes place.
   In an original tactic, the Slave Master's amplify DS9's
 shields and the stations weapons reflect back to the station.
 O'Brien decides to fire the phaser's full power then drop the
 phaser's and shields at the same time.  The Slave Master's weapon
 feeds back on itself.
   Captain Rogon takes the renegade crew members in custody and
 let's the slaves go. The End.
   QUOTE OF THE ISSUE: Quote of the Issue: "Quark to Security...
 EMERGENCY!  My last Bottle of Saurian Brandy...!"
   IMPRESSIONS: 24 pages and it's over two quick. 24 pages is the
 norm, however other titles are able to tell a story with more
 depth than Deep Space Nine.  To express what I am saying in a
 more physical sense, if you go to pick up a copy of Deep Space
 Nine (and I do encourage it, it's a very good book despite my
 comments) also pick up a copy of X-Men. Scott Lobdell tells a
 good story with depth and you will understand what I mean when I
 say 24 pages and it's over two quick.
   NEXT ISSUE: Three Short Stories by different authors.  The
 promo tells us to "Look for enlightening character development,
 some possible resolutions and that good ole Trek Humor."  Will
 They?
   COMICOLOGY SOLICITATION: Deep Space Nine is being reviewed in
 the Comicology only by the fact that I read Deep Space Nine.  If
 anyone is interested in reviewing the DC Comics Star Trek and
 Star Trek: The Next Generation, let Oxnardus know.  I'm not
 an avid reader of those titles, however if you are, share it with
 us.

========================================================
 SUBSCRIPTION SERVICE & LISTING OF RIF DISTRIBUTION SITES
 ========================================================
   If you have an e-mail address at InterNet, Genie, NVN,
 Prodigy, AOL, Compu-serve, or FidoNet (or anything else that has
 a gateway to any of these services or is convertible to an
 Internet address), you can get on the RIF subscription list and
 have RIF sent to you via e-mail each month. Just e-mail your
 request to Oxnardus and your name will be put on the list. If you
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   Also, if you are a SysOp and you'd like to be a distribution
 site for RIF, please contact Oxnardus of Borg (addresses given
 below).
   BBS distribution centers:
 Phone           Name              City    ST SysOp
 -----------------------------------------------------------------
 [phone]  RIPCITY           Tacoma  WA Ripley
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                DIMENSIONAL NEXUS Spokane WA Mojo IV
 [phone]  AMIGAX BBS        Eugene  OR Sean Workman
 [phone]  AMIGAX node 2     Eugene  OR Sean Workman


==============
 EDITOR NOTICES
 ==============
   The Borg Club is located EVERYWHERE. If you wish to be
 assimilated just ask a local Borg to do so, or do it yourself.
 There is no shame in being a self-made borg. We are sure they are
 many who would be more than happy to assimilate you quickly and
 painlessly, not to mention take your culture and technology from
 you as well.

=================
 COPYRIGHT NOTICES
 =================
 "RIF" acknowledges that Paramount Pictures and its various
 subsidiaries as having the sole rights to the Star Trek
 trademark. "RIF" has no intention to infringe upon that copyright
 or earn profit from this publication. It is distributed free of
 charge. This newsletter may be distributed by anyone if kept
 intact and not altered in any way. Consider it shareware
 publishing! Resistance is Futile, copyright (c) 1994 by RIF BBS.

=================================
 SOLICITATIONS FOR NEXT NEWSLETTER
 =================================
 The next Resistance is Futile will be released on or about March
 1, 1994 to regular e-mail subscribers and February 21, 1994 to
 BBS subscribers. Send submissions to Oxnardus, Ripley, or Swannox
 at the addresses notated below for consideration for a future
 issue. "RIF" is a non-profit fan publication. All submissions for
 publication should be sent to the editors. The editors retain
 editorial control and reprint privileges over the submitted
 materials and reserve the right to use the material in whatever
 way they deem appropriate. Submitted materials will not be
 returned to the sender.

============================
 BACK ISSUES OF RIF AVAILABLE
 ============================
 Missing an issue? Just e-mail Oxnardus which issue you want. we
 shall endeavor to send it out to you as soon as time permits.
 This ia a volunteer outfit so it may take one day, it may take
 thirty days...but rest assured, you shall receive it! The
 requested issue will be sent to you via InterNet or Genie e-mail.
 If you do not have access to InterNet or any InterNet gateways,
 just send $1.00 per issue (for handling and postage) to RIF BBS,
 P.O. Box 7822, Oxnard, CA 93031. Please indicate which issue you
 desire.  All back issues are available!

=========================
 ADDRESSES OF CONTRIBUTORS
 =========================
 EDITORS:
 -------
   OXNARDUS: Editor-in-Chief. Genie:K.Taborn; Prodigy:HCMH17A;
 InterNet: [e-mail] OR oxnardus@therealm; FidoNet:
 Oxnardus @ 1:206/2513; VirtualNet: 197 @ 1805020; WWIVNet:
 Oxnardus 115 @ 8500; AnarchyNet: Oxnardus @ 42:1005/1201; RipCity
 BBS, NightOwl BBS, DA WARREN: Oxnardus; RIME: Kym Taborn; US
 Mail: RIF BBS, P.O. Box 7822, Oxnard, CA 93031
   RIPLEY: Editor, Big Cahuna West Coast. Genie:M.Samuels1;
 Prodigy:NRCR88A; InterNet: [e-mail]; RipCity
 BBS: Ripley.
   SWANNOX: Editor, Big Cahuna East Coast. Bitnet: Swann1@MUVMS6;
 Internet: [e-mail]; Prodigy: JPRN49A

CONTRIBUTORS:
 ------------
  LEONARD RICHARDSON: SySop: Da Warren BBS [phone]
  Olymonk: [e-mail]





Path: newserv.ksu.ksu.edu!moe.ksu.ksu.edu!vixen.cso.uiuc.edu!howland.reston.ans.net!darwin.sura.net!wvnvms!marshall.wvnet.edu!swann1
Newsgroups: rec.arts.startrek.current
Subject: BORG NEWSLETTER #18
Message-ID: <1994Apr21.235455.5746@muvms6>
From: [e-mail]
Date: 21 Apr 94 23:54:55 EDT
Organization: Marshall University
Lines: 674



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    * |  I |     *|   |       *|     |      *| U  |____
    * |  S ~~~~~~~  /         *|  I  |      *| T       \
    * |  T  ____    \         *|  S  |      *| I   ____/
    * |  A |*** \    \        *|     |      *| L  |***
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      *****          **** **************     *****
                               P.O. Box 7822
                             Oxnard, CA 93031
 THE OFFICIAL ORGAN OF THE GALACTIC BORG CONSCIOUSNESS
 ISSUE NUMBER 18
 March 1994

RESISTANCE IS FUTILE ("RIF") is published and edited by Oxnardus,
 Ripley, and Swannox for distribution on international, national
 and local electronic services, bulletin board conferences, and
 databases. Resistance is Futile is the official newsletter of the
 International Borg Club. Address listings, copyright notices,
 editorial notices, and information on back issues are printed at
 the end of this newsletter. All correspondence should be sent by
 e-mail to Oxnardus, Ripley, or Swannox (addresses given at end of
 newsletter) or mailed to "Resistance is Futile", P.O. Box 7822,
 Oxnard, CA 93031.

=========
 CONTENTS
 =========
 YOU WILL BE ASSIMILATED: Amazing stories & 10 Top Cable Systems
 JOKE TIME: Borg jokes
 EVERYBODY WANTS TO RULE MY WORLD: Song Parody
 JOKE TIME
 ANOTHER BORG BLUES CLUB GRAND OPENING
 BORG NOSTALGIA: Reliving the Aftermath of the BSC Disaster
 BORG TAGLINES SEEN IN CYBERSPACE  Part 1: A through H
 STAR TREK COMICOLOGY: DS9 #6: "Field Trip", "Pickpocket",
                              "Program 359"
 NEXT MONTH IN RIF
 FROM THE EDITOR
 SUBSCRIPTION SERVICE & LISTING OF RIF DISTRIBUTION SITES
 Copyright Notices
 Solicitations for next newsletter
 Back issues of RIF available
 Addresses of contributors

=======================
 YOU WILL BE ASSIMILATED
 =======================
 by Swannox of Borg

Amazing Stories
 ---------------
   Even in West Virginia, we have a Hockey Team in the East Coast
 Hockey League. Our first season as a matter of fact.  The
 Huntington Blizzard just fired there coach, Bob "Battleship"
 Kelly.  The New Coach is named PAUL PICARD.  So now, the
 Huntington Blizzard was a dismal 6-18-4, This guy won his debut
 game at Home tonight, And the media loves him.  The Captain
 Picard jokes have begun, THE play by play guy and color guy want
 to call the coaches show Star Date.  Jokes include, The Player
 was going up the Ice at Warp factor 2. or slow big guys ARE GOING
 AT IMPULSE POWER!.  I call Slapshots Photon Torpedo and when we
 won tonight, THE STARTREK THEME BLASTED THRU THE HUNTINGTON CIVIC
 CENTER.  You now can hear sound bits during the game like ENGAGE,
 MAKE IT SO.  This complements the Terminator "I'll be back" after
 a Huntington Player hits the penalty box.  I hear all this in the
 cue speaker since I run the game, however the moral of the story.
 WE ARE NOT THE ONLY FOLKS LOONY ABOUT TREK! BTW, we were 6-18-4
 before Picard.  we are 7-19-4 now.

Top 10 Cable Systems of the Federation
 --------------------------------------
 ...from the home office at the Utopia Plantia Starfleet Yards

   10. RikerComm; Order this month and get the Playboy channel
 installed free.
    9. Ferengi Cable; Featuring QVC, The Home Shopping Network,
 and Pay-Per-View Specials galore.
    8. BorgComm; Your TV will be assimilated into the collective.
    7. Vulcan Cable; Order now and get connected to the Discovery
 channel and C-Span.
    6. YarComm; Featuring Nick-At-Night... re-runs of all your
 old favorites.
    5. Klingon Cable; Because stealing cable is... dishonorable.
    4. RomuComm; We feature cloaked channels.
    3. Pakled Cable; You watch things.  Things we show.
    2. PicardComm; TV without the glare.

        - and the number one cable system -
             - of the federation is -

    1. Geordi Cable; Now featuring the Infrared Channel!

================================
 EVERYBODY WANTS TO RULE MY WORLD
 ================================
 (to the tune of "Everybody Wants to Rule the World", by Tears for
 Fears)

Welcome to my life.
 Welcome to my world.
 Even while we sleep,
 There are aliens
 Planning out a massive conquest
 Here they come now, who would have guessed?
 Everybody wants to rule my world.

Attacked by Romulans.
 They invaded in storms.
 Help me to decide
 Should I choose to give my freedom
 Or show resistance?
 From disruptors I'll keep distance.
 Everybody wants to rule my world.

There's no place where the Q can't find you
 Paralyzed while the towns come tumbling down.
 After they're gone there are more on the way.

Occupation, I can't take it.
 The Borg came and assimilated.
 Everybody wants to rule my world.

Cardassians with torture machines.
 Klingons with a lack of hygiene.
 Everybody wants to rule my...
 Hey!  We'll nevernevernevernever beat them.
 "Resistance is futile," we gotta believe it.
 Everybody wants to rule my world.

It's happening but I can't say how,
 More warbirds are on their way now.
 Everybody wants to rule my world.
 -- Juvenus of Borg

=========
 JOKE TIME
 =========
   Q: How do you tell a borg from a communist?
   A: The borg don't need money, communists don't have money.

   Q: How do you tell a borg from an ant?
   A: The ant has a personality.

   Q: Why do the borg spend so much time assimilating others?
   A: They don't eat, they don't sleep, and even they are not
 kinky enough to have sex while 3 trillion others are looking over
 their shoulders.

   Q: Why do all borg look human?
   A: They do not make the helmets in Klingon sizes.

   Q: Why did the borg win so much in Las Vegas?
   A: They had an understanding with the slot machines.
 -- John Krueger

=====================================
 ANOTHER BORG BLUES CLUB GRAND OPENING
 =====================================
   Yet another Borg Blues Club has opened. Now serving on
 Prodigy, Science Fiction Bulletin Board (Jump "SF BB"), the
 Fandamonium Topic. Come on by and have a drink or two. Ran by our
 very own Swannox of Borg.
   In order to serve its customers better, the following rules
 have been set up at the BORG BLUES CLUB:
   1. No Alcohol served to Minors.
   2. No synthohol served.
   3. No fighting.
   4. All powers must be made known to the security chief.
   5. Q are not minors.
   6. Management reserves the right to refuse service to anyone.
   7. Decisions by Swannox and T'Caer are final.
   8. No Ferengi served (either as hors d'oeuvres or as
 customers).
   9. Nobody can change the channel on the Big Screen TV when the
 Boss is watching Marshall University Sporting Events.
   Address all complaints to the Security team.  All other
 questions will be answered by Swannox (Prodigy: JPRN49A), Owner
 and Manager of the Borg Blues Club.

==============
 BORG NOSTALGIA
 ==============
 Reliving the Aftermath of the Borg Supreme Court Disaster
 ---------------------------------------------------------
 [In September 1992 on Prodigy, the Borg Supreme Court was
 mysteriously blown-up. What follows are some of the reactions to
 this disaster...]

   Smorgus sat in the law library adjacent to the BSC. "Can't
 find any stupid Dove bars...mutter, mutter...Bean Countus will
 not drop our name from his suit......where in blue blazes will I
 find an attorney?.....BLUE BLAZES?!" Looking out the window, she
 sees smoke billowing from the chambers of Chief Justice Marianus.
 "Holy smoke!"  At once, the door to the judge's chambers BURSTS
 open. Rialtus, hunkered over, slowly emerges from the dense
 smoke, pulling the chief justice by "certain implants". "Just
 when life is getting to be kind of a bore, opportunity knocks!"
 he giggles.  From the corner of her optic implants, Smorgus sees
 a shadowy figure hurriedly dart around a corner. Could it have
 been? Was it that sneaky little worm...um....borg that has been
 trying to get himself appointed court reporter and is trying to
 drive the chief justice nuts with his repeated attempts? Noting
 that Rialtus is frantically trying to give mouth to mouth to
 Marianus, who is shouting "Leave me alone, you doofus, I AM OK.",
 Smorgus pursues the unknown borg.
 --Smorgus

   Again, Marianus asked "Did I require CPR or were you three
 trying something unseemly with my units?"  Rialtus, Locutus II
 and Swannox all bowed their heads and shuffled around nervously.
 Rialtus suddenly beamed, as a thought has come to him. "Dear
 Honorable and Most Esteemed Chief Justice, we were of course
 getting ready to perform CPR! But by Borg, you have recovered on
 your own!" Swannox, still fumbling with the water hose, gurgled,
 "Ub-glub course-glub, we-cough-cough were just (gag) trying to
 help!" Marianus hoisted herself into a sitting position. "Will
 some borg please take that away from him before HE needs CPR?"
 "Thank you."
   Meanwhile.........Smorgus rounded the corner of the BSC, still
 pursuing the suspicious Borg. "Who is that?" she thought. "I wish
 I could just get a little closer. Hmmmmm, what are these?"
 Looking down, Smorgus notices that she has been walking on what
 appears to be THOUSANDS of rectangular packages. Some have broken
 open and appear to be emitting latex dust. "Now, I've seen these
 before!  Where was it?....
   ....OF COURSE...these are the same "packages" seized from
 Beancountus' cube during the ill-advised raid!" Has someone
 broken into the BSC and stolen evidence? Is that same Borg
 responsible for the fire? Smorgus looked up again to see not one,
 but TWO Borg escaping through the haze.
   Meanwhile...back at the scene of the fire, Marianus was
 desperately trying to bring order to the scene. Locutus II is
 standing in the street and gazing at his reflection in the one
 remaining window. "Gee, you look good in gold, fella." He
 murmured. Swannox, finally able to speak without drowning could
 be heard to say "Mother of Borg, how are we going to repair the
 Supreme Court Building? The fund is down to peanuts and this is
 an election year! I said 'no new taxes'....oh, mercy.." and on
 the curb Rialtus sat in despair thinking "If'n she'd only stayed
 out of it for 5 more minutes!!!  Who knew she was so...so....
 resilient?"
   Marianus sighed.
 -- Smorgus

   As Rialtus sits in his stupor, vainly trying to think of a way
 to "rekindle" the moment, Swannox finally finds a blanket.
 Rushing to drape it tenderly around the shivering Marianus, he
 trips and both he and the blanket drape themselves upon her
 person. "ALRIGHT.......I HAVE BEEN HELPED ENOUGH!!!!! GO FIND
 SOMEONE ELSE TO HELP!"  Sheepishly trying to remove himself from
 her implants, Swannox finds that their implants have become
 entangled. "Oh dear, I'm dead meat now." Rialtus, experiencing an
 unusual hot feeling under the collar, obliged by ripping Swannox
 away from his new object of affection, thereby finishing the task
 of destroying her blouse. "What luck!" her murmured, however,
 aloud he declared "Heaven's to Betsy, what have I done?"
   Marianus, wondering if it would become a chief justice to
 grease these nimrods, hobbled away. In their well deserved fear,
 Swannox and Rialtus beat a hasty retreat. Just as they thought
 they were, perhaps, out of harms way....a golden blur burst
 through the smoky night! "I say!  What the h***? Get off........
 crunch....splat.....me......crack.....NOW!"
   The deafening sound of crunching metal filled the street.
 Drawing back from the fray, Swannox began laughing hysterically.
 "It's Loc....Loc....Locutus II!  Cool it, would you....it's us!
 Look.....I said quit it OR WE SHALL COW TIP YOU!" Locutus II
 recoiled in horror, both at his mistake and that other
 "unmentionable" torture. In the moment of silence that followed,
 they could hear the distinct melody of Marianus, down the avenue,
 laughing and laughing and laughing.
 -- Smorgus

                   ******SUPREME COURT FIRE******
                       POSSIBLE SUIT FOR FALSE
                                ARREST
   The mystery mounts in the matter of the monstrous melt down of
 the Borg Supreme Court Building. The possible perpetrators popped
 by the powerful Locutus II turned out to be just two more seekers
 of executive office.
   As the sun rose over the reeking ashes of the once stately
 Court, Wiggalus of Borg, Ambassador, Instant Lawyer, and second
 in command to the Borg collective, revealed herself to be a
 General Contractor and vowed to restore the court to its former
 glory when others were snidely suggesting corrugated steel and
 linoleum.
   No new information has been uncovered about the probable
 identity of the arsonist; the evil Kym has been suggested as the
 possible arsonist, as indeed a suspect in every unsolved mystery
 including the sinking of the Maine and the disappearance of Judge
 Crater.
   Fire Marshall Olympius was not available for comment as she
 was called away because of difficulties with Vogons on her home
 planet.
 -- Olympius

   "Ohhhhhhhhhh" said Marianus, as she crumpled to the pavement.
 The Golden Blur, having finally come to the realization that
 further "crud beating" may not be the wisest course of action,
 knelt over the apparently lifeless body of the chief justice. As
 he began CPR (really), the charwoman Di(e)anus of Borg rushed to
 summon an ambulance. "I am not getting any response!" Locutus II
 said to himself. This is not good.  This does not appear to be
 mere smoke inhalation or shock to me!"  Rialtus, finally fitted
 with a cervical collar, looked on. "She's not....she can't....
 what's wrong?"
   Swannox appeared with his crew and quickly and efficiently
 loaded Marianus onto the gurney and into the waiting van. {There
 guys....are you happier now? Ed.}  That done, the ambulance sped
 off into the night.  The three heroic borg watched as their most
 admired and beautiful adjudicator vanished from sight.  "That was
 different.", said Locutus II. "Yea...." said Swannox. "Let's go
 get a cola and some babes!" volunteered Rialtus, and they were
 off.  Across the city, Smorgus maintained her vigil outside of
 Chatsworthus' "non-smoking" cube......which she had first thought
 was simply an abandoned building. She now had a clear view of
 the motionless Borg, Chatsworthus, on the floor. The mysterious
 and unseen borg-in-the-corner continued his soliloquy. "Eye all
 most feel bat lee four ewe.....butt ewe all wheeze whir two trust
 ink. Ewe awl fell sew heart four thee store he aye bout thee
 Queen Bea....it was heart too keep aye strayed face. Two bat aye
 bout thee Chief Just ice, wee whir imp pressed buy thee weigh she
 care reed her imp plants, butt she wood knot listen too are
 please."
 -- Smorgus

   As Smorg Us walked a weigh from TeaBorg and Being Countess, a
 video tape dropped from her brief case. She did knot note ice.
 TeaBorg and Being Countess played thee tape on TeaBorg's port a
 bull tellie vision. And their it was. Thee reel tape of thee
 theft of thee chalk a lot beans. Being Countess was shown
 diligent lee dewing hiss job, win sudden lee, hee was hit over
 thee head width a Borg imp plant. Thee chalk a lot beans were
 then scooped up bye thee unknow win Borg and it left width both
 thee chalk a lot beans and Bean Countess. Thee next seen showed
 Being Countess tied two a Cher and hooked up two a memory remove
 vole ma sheen. Thee unknow win Borg, inn a rasp pea fem inn inn
 voice, then recount Ed her evil plan to destroy thee Spelling
 Bees and too blame thee BORG. She removed Being Countess' memory
 and hymn meady ate lee a simulate Ted Being Countess. She then
 released hymn and sent hymn on hiss whey. And then....she terned
 a round. And there she was....width that evil smile.
   It was .........................................Smorg Us, aka
 Nan See Eye Kin, evil and inn fa mess secret age aunt fore thee
 Inn Tern Awl Rev A Gnu Sirve Ice. Her last state meant was, "And
 that's watt happens to races who dew knot pay there taxes and who
 ignore IRS notices."
   TeaBorg and Being Countess were inn shock. And then Being
 Countess' memory re-terned inn a rush. "Yea varily", hee
 exclaimed, "Eye remember it awl."
   At that moment, Smorg Us came a round thee core nor. "Sew, ewe
 half disc covered my lit tall plot. Well, ewe won't live long
 enough two tell inn knee won. Eye will get rid of ewe joust as
 efficient lee as eye burned down thee BSC." She slow lee raised
 her imp plants. TeaBorg and Being Countess were tear if fied.
 "Good buy old friend," they both said simultaneous lee.
   Butt Smorg Us had knot raised her imp plants two kill them.
 Inn stead, shee clutched her chest and fell over. They raced two
 her side and exam mined her. She was dead. "She was know fun, she
 fell rite over," said Being Countess. "And now their's won less
 evil IRS a gent inn this universe," said Teaborg quietly.
   TeaBorg and Being Countess were last scene board ding Anne air
 plain two Ha Why Ye. Being Countess' last words were, "At least
 where wee our going, we'll fine all lee get leied."
 -- TeaBorg

   "And you honestly believe the good Borg will believe that
 drivel? Ha!" exclaimed Smorgus indignantly, "You can keep me tied
 in this infernal chair for eternity....but some will keep the
 faith. The only believable portion of that story is the bit about
 Hawaii...."
   "That darn Beancountus and his latex," thought Smorgus,
 "making me sneeze before I could warn the collective....if there
 is anyone left in the collective to tell. T'Caer in the hospital
 and pregnant, to boot; Oxnardus still trying to get reunited with
 her head; Marianus hovering on the brink of life; Chatsworthus...
 laying here motionless on the floor; it is just too much to
 bear."
   Teaborg and Beancountus sneered at the little scribe. "The
 borg, dear unit, has known US for a much longer period of time.
 OUR story will be believed and YOU shall rot in the prison of the
 new Supreme Court that is being rebuilt at this moment." spit
 Bean.  "Ewe should have capped two righting aye few notes inn
 thee 'Mew see hem off Art' ant capped aye weigh from thee Cord
 room. Ewe well pay fur yore air rogue ants. Fur aye fee mail ewe
 nut, ewe our both bawl sea ant tacked less." Teaborg whispered.
 "Half aye good thyme weight ink four us two Rhett turn...."
 Turning to the Bean he said, "Dew eye half too dew every think
 aye round hear? Eye can knot bee leave ewe left thee sock it set
 inn yore cube."  Wheeling stiffly, he stalked out of the cube,
 with Beancountus trailing dust in his wake.
   Back at the jiffy cube, the sirens still wailed. A crowd
 hovered around the unit Marianus. Through the sea of concerned
 voices came "I have never seen anything like this. She should
 have died an hour ago......Will someone please silence those
 alarms?........We need a SPECIALIST!"  "But who shall we find
 that is that experienced and gifted?" ]
   Who could save Marianus?
 --- Smorgus

        ****THE INSANE OXNARDUS GOES OVER THE EDGE****
             ***Takes A Walk on the Wild Side***
   Upon receiving news of Presidential Candidate Semenovich's
 choice of Vice Presidential Candidate (or as Semenovich insists,
 Vice Czar), the Insane Oxnardus actually tipped the scale further
 in her dementia.  Researchers at Borg Hospital, the foremost
 center of research on Borg Multiple Personality Disorders (MPD)
 issued a press release where it was stated that further time was
 required to study the phenomena but that it was apparent that the
 Insane Oxnardus was beyond hope.
   The Borg Secret Police has issued an advisory warning the
 collective to lock up their children until the Insane Oxnardus
 has been captured.
   The Insane Oxnardus is believed to have become Insane over her
 on and off again relationship with Bob Mann, aka MYSTERY MANN,
 who was believed viciously murdered weeks ago.
   Similar to Elvis Presley, MYSTERY MANN sightings are being
 reported all over Borg Space.
   The Insane Oxnardus was last seen breaking into the Borg
 Hospital where she rudely insulted Rialtus, hit the semi-comatose
 Chief Justice Marianus in the face with a gooey pie, and then
 escaped.
   If any unit has any information about the whereabouts of the
 Insane Oxnardus, contact the Borg Secret Police for an entry into
 the Get a Pizza if Your Information is Good Contest.  No purchase
 necessary.  Members and family members of the Borg Secret Police
 are ineligible.  Void where prohibited.  All tips made within an
 hour are considered the same tip.
 -- Oxnardus


================================
 BORG TAGLINES SEEN IN CYBERSPACE
 ================================
 Part One: A through H
 ---------------------
 A Klingon, a Romulan, and a Borg we <Phasor Blast>
 A Poetic Borg:  You will compose assimilated rhythms and rhymes.
 Alll a Borg!!!!!!
 And I thought the Borg were bad . . .
 And the only thing the Borg left was this Amiga....
 And the only thing the Borg left was this Macintosh.
 And the only thing the Borg left was NT.
 And verily he said unto them, thou shalt be assimilated
 Assimilated, you will be.   Yoda of Borg
 Assimilation: The new industry standard   Borg Gates
 Barney of Borg: I assimilate you; you assimilate me...
 Barney of Borg: Today we learned that resistance is futile.
 Borg. James Borg. Vodka martini dry...olives are irrelevant.
 Borg! Unh! Good God, y'all!  What is it good for?
 Borg? Where? I don't se*(#$#..NO CARRIER
 Borg assimilated my race and all I got was this t-shirt.
 Borg Cola - Not the choice of the Next Generation.
 Borg destroyed by Federation Death Star DS9, film at 11:00
 Borg Do It Collectively.
 Borg do it their way.  Your way is irrelevant
 Borg DOS 6.0   Assimilate drive C:? (Y)es, (O)k or (F)ine
 Borg Empire: Equal opportunity Assimilator!
 BORG IDIC: Incalculable Devastation for Infinite Cubes.
 Borg in New Jersey: "Florio is irrelevant."
 Borg Mail Reader v1.0   Your tagline will be assimilated.
 Borg Mail Reader v2.1a   Tagline theft is futile.
 Borg Mail Reader v2.1a   Taglines are irrelevant.
 Borg Moderator:  Your Topic Is Irrelevant.
 Borg Nightmare: Assimilate another? NO WAIT, IT'S A PB!!
 Borg saying:  We came.  We absorbed.  We left.
 Borg spreadsheet program:  Locutus 1-2-3
 Borg Wave 3.14: Your taglines have been assimilated. <Urp>
 Borgasm: The Ecstasy of Assimilation.
 BorgDOS v6.0 - Assimilate Another [Y/n]
 Borger King - We do it our way! Your way is irrelevant!
 Borgs Bunny: "'What's up' is irrelevant, Doc.
 Borgy Pig - "th..th..th..that's irrelevant folks"
 Bring Arnold Schwartzenegger to play the Borg Terminator!
 Captain, why not just give the Borg Windows 3.1? - Worf
 Captain Barney's last words: Don't worry, the Borg are friendly.
 Cause I'm a Borg, yea, yea, yea.
 Chewbacca of Borg:  RRWARARRHHG!!
 Creativity & Originality are irrelevant   Barney of Borg
 Dances With Borgs - Starring Locutus
 Data is emotional because of a computer virus.   The Borg
 Destroy the Borg? Give them Cavis Alpha IV!
 Destroy the Borg? Give them WINDOWS
 Destroy the Borg? Let's give them Windows.
 Distance is irrelevant - Pythagorus of Borg
 Drunk Borg: "Resilience is floor tile. Wan'be sim'lated?"
 Eat what you want. Your choice is irrelevant. SmorgasBorg
 Enterprise News: Borg Destroyed After Absorbing Windows.
 Ernest BORGnine... you be the judge...
 Even the Borg won't assimilate a Macintosh...
 Frankly my dear, you will be assimilated - Butler of Borg
 From this time forward, you will service...us.    Locutus
 Fudd, of Borg: "Be vewy, vewy quiet. I'm Assimiwating."
 Futile, resistance is.   Yoda of Borg
 Galactic Conquest Or Bust - The Borg
 GOTO, GOING TO, GONE TO ~ Borg subroutine
 Have it our way at Borger King!  (I *am* this place!)
 Hi! My name is Borg. How may I assimilate you?
 How'm I flyin'?  Dial 1-800-BORG-YOU. -Borg
 Huey Lewis of Borg: Its Hip To Be Square!
 Huey Lewis of Borgordi + transporter = Huey, Louie, & Dewey

====================
 STAR TREK COMICOLOGY
 ====================
 By Swannox of Borg

Deep Space Nine, Issue #6 (Jan 94):
 "Field Trip", "Pickpocket", & "Program 359"
 ---------------------------------------------
   This issue features three short stories about different
 characters and their adventures.

"Field Trip"
  Writer: Mike W. Barr; Editors: Tom Mason & Mark Paniccia;
 Artists: Rob Davis & Terry Pallot; Letterer: Patrick Owsley;
 Published by Malibu Comics.
  PLOT: Keiko takes her class on an outing in a runabout to a
 planet on the other side of the wormhole. Something happens to
 Sisko (something always happens) so Jake and Nog somehow pilot
 the runabout to the wormhole, where a trigger happy Chief O'Brien
 hits the tractor beam and nabs the ship. (Amazingly, he knew
 something was wrong).

"Pickpocket"
  Writer: John Vornholt; Editors: Tom Mason & Mark Paniccia;
 Artists: Rob Davis & Terry Pallot; Letterer: Dave Lanphear;
 Published by Malibu Comics.
  PLOT: Quark and Bashir solve a rash of thefts while ODO is
 away.  This one is worth my silence in not giving the plot away.

"Program 359"
  Writer: Colin Clayton & Chris Dows; Editor: Mark Paniccia;
 Artists: Rob Davis & Terry Pallot; Letterer: Patrick Owsley;
 Published by Malibu Comics.
  PLOT:  This is a holodeck flick with Sisko, THE ENTIRE
 STARFLEET and THE BORG AT WOLF 359.  Sisko is in command of the
 fleet and he is trying every thing possible to defeat the borg.
 After Bashir and Dax walk in and think that Benny boy is a sick
 puppy, Sisko reveals that he can now let go, because he doesn't
 blame himself now.  This was the best story of the three, and not
 because this little fanzine is a BORG FEST.

=================
 NEXT MONTH IN RIF
 =================
   YOU WILL BE ASSIMILATED: What would happen if.../Water Trek
   BORG SING-A-LONG: Borg Ramming Song/Borg Laundromat Song
   PIE, BORG: Parody of "I, Borg"
   LIFE IN THE 24TH CENTURY IS NOT TOO DULL
   BORG NOSTALGIA: Reliving the Collective's overlooking the Big
 Cahuna Emeritus' birthday! (09/92)
   BORG TAGLINES SEEN IN CYBERSPACE  Part 2: I

===============
 FROM THE EDITOR
 ===============
   I apologize for all the bugs in the InterNet mailings. Some
 have received their issues and others haven't. If you have not
 received any issues, please e-mail me and tell me which issues
 you need.  Also, I am working out a new way to send out the RIFs
 so that these things will not happen again.
   This month's RIF was late (at least for the BBS distribution)
 because of a death in my family. I was in Michigan for two weeks.
 Now everything should be back to normal.
   Remember, the Borg Club is located EVERYWHERE. If you wish to
 be assimilated just ask a local Borg to do so, or do it yourself.
 There is no shame in being a self-made borg. We are sure they are
 many who would be more than happy to assimilate you quickly and
 painlessly, not to mention take your culture and technology from
 you as well.
 --Oxnardus

========================================================
 SUBSCRIPTION SERVICE & LISTING OF RIF DISTRIBUTION SITES
 ========================================================
   If you have an e-mail address at InterNet, Genie, NVN,
 Prodigy, AOL, Compu-serve, or FidoNet (or anything else that has
 a gateway to any of these services or is convertible to an
 Internet address), you can get on the RIF subscription list and
 have RIF sent to you via e-mail each month. Just e-mail your
 request to Oxnardus and your name will be put on the list. If you
 are not on Genie, be sure to send your InterNet address.
   Also, if you are a SysOp and you'd like to be a distribution
 site for RIF (and insure your copy of RIF one week prior to e-
 mail subscriptions!), please contact Oxnardus of Borg (addresses
 given below).
   BBS distribution centers (when you call, tell them you heard
 about their BBS from RIF!):
 Phone           Name              City      ST SysOp
 -----------------------------------------------------------------
 [phone]  RIPCITY           Tacoma    WA Ripley
 (206)           DIMENSIONAL NEXUS Spokane   WA Mojo IV
 [phone]  THE Q CONTINUUM             OK The Q
 [phone]  THE X-FACTOR      Kalamazoo MI Lord Vader
 [phone]  BCSM BBS          Boston    MA J. M. Tretakoff
 [phone]  DA WARREN         Arvin     CA L. Richardson

=================
 COPYRIGHT NOTICES
 =================
 "RIF" acknowledges that Paramount Pictures and its various
 subsidiaries as having the sole rights to the Star Trek
 trademark. "RIF" has no intention to infringe upon that copyright
 or earn profit from this publication. It is distributed free of
 charge. This newsletter may be distributed by anyone if kept
 intact and not altered in any way. Consider it shareware
 publishing! Resistance is Futile, copyright (c) 1994 by RIF BBS.

=================================
 SOLICITATIONS FOR NEXT NEWSLETTER
 =================================
 The next Resistance is Futile will be released on or about April
 1, 1994 to regular e-mail subscribers and on or about March 22,
 1994 to BBS subscribers. Send submissions to Oxnardus, Ripley, or
 Swannox at the addresses notated below for consideration for a
 future issue. "RIF" is a non-profit fan publication. All
 submissions for publication should be sent to the editors. The
 editors retain editorial control and reprint privileges over the
 submitted materials and reserve the right to use the material in
 whatever way they deem appropriate. Submitted materials will not
 be returned to the sender.

============================
 BACK ISSUES OF RIF AVAILABLE
 ============================
 Missing an issue? Just e-mail Oxnardus which issue you want. we
 shall endeavor to send it out to you as soon as time permits.
 This is a volunteer outfit so it may take one day, it may take
 thirty days...but rest assured, you shall receive it! The
 requested issue will be sent to you via InterNet or Genie e-mail.
 If you do not have access to InterNet or any InterNet gateways,
 just send $2.00 per issue (for handling and postage) to RIF BBS,
 P.O. Box 7822, Oxnard, CA 93031. Please indicate which issue you
 desire.  All back issues are available!

=========================
 ADDRESSES OF CONTRIBUTORS
 =========================
 EDITORS:
 -------
   OXNARDUS: Editor-in-Chief. Genie:K.Taborn; Prodigy:HCMH17A;
 InterNet: [e-mail] OR oxnardus@therealm; FidoNet:
 Oxnardus @ 1:206/2513; VirtualNet: 197 @ 1805020; WWIVNet:
 Oxnardus 115 @ 8500; AnarchyNet: Oxnardus @ 42:1005/1201; RipCity
 BBS, DA WARREN: Oxnardus; RIME: Kym Taborn; MAJOR BBS: Narda@fnz;
 US Mail: RIF BBS, P.O. Box 7822, Oxnard, CA 93031
   RIPLEY: Editor, Big Cahuna West Coast. Genie:M.Samuels1;
 Prodigy:NRCR88A; InterNet: [e-mail]; RipCity
 BBS: Ripley.
   SWANNOX: Editor, Big Cahuna East Coast. Bitnet: Swann1@MUVMS6;
 Internet: [e-mail]; Prodigy: JPRN49A

CONTRIBUTORS:
 ------------
 Smorgus --  InterNet: [e-mail]; NVN: Neicken
 Olympius --  Internet: [e-mail]; AoL: juliaellen
 TeaBorg --  Internet: [e-mail]; Prodigy: PHCR65A
 Juvenus of Borg -- Internet: [e-mail]
 John Krueger -- Internet: [e-mail]









Path: newserv.ksu.ksu.edu!moe.ksu.ksu.edu!vixen.cso.uiuc.edu!howland.reston.ans.net!darwin.sura.net!wvnvms!marshall.wvnet.edu!swann1
Newsgroups: rec.arts.startrek.current
Subject: BORG NEWSLETTER #19
Message-ID: <1994Apr21.235818.5747@muvms6>
From: [e-mail]
Date: 21 Apr 94 23:58:18 EDT
Organization: Marshall University
Lines: 740



            _____________       ____________      ____________
         * / R            \   */             \  */             \
        * |  E  ______    |   *\____     ____/  *|     ________/
        * |  S |******|   |    ****|     |***   *| F  |********
        * |  I |     *|   |       *|     |      *| U  |____
        * |  S ~~~~~~~  /         *|  I  |      *| T       \
        * |  T  ____    \         *|  S  |      *| I   ____/
        * |  A |*** \    \        *|     |      *| L  |***
        * |  N |    * \    \   ___*|     |____  *| E  |
        * |  C |      * \    \/               \ *|    |
        * \__E_/        * \___/______________/  *\____/
           *****          **** **************     *****
                              P.O. Box 7822
                            Oxnard, CA 93031

THE OFFICIAL ORGAN OF THE GALACTIC BORG CONSCIOUSNESS
 ISSUE NUMBER 19
 April 1994

RESISTANCE IS FUTILE ("RIF") is published and edited by Oxnardus,
 Ripley, and Swannox for distribution on international, national
 and local electronic services, bulletin board conferences, and
 databases. Resistance is Futile is the official newsletter of the
 International Borg Club. Address listings, copyright notices,
 editorial notices, and information on back issues are printed at
 the end of this newsletter. All correspondence should be sent by
 e-mail to Oxnardus, Ripley, or Swannox (addresses given at end of
 newsletter) or mailed to "Resistance is Futile", P.O. Box 7822,
 Oxnard, CA 93031.

=========
 CONTENTS
 =========
 YOU WILL BE ASSIMILATED: What would happen if...
 PIE, BORG: Parody of "I, Borg"
 LIFE IN THE 24TH CENTURY IS NOT TOO DULL
 BORG NOSTALGIA: Reliving the Collective's overlooking the Big
     Cahuna Emeritus' birthday! (09/92)
 BORG TAGLINES SEEN IN CYBERSPACE  Part 2: I
 COMICOGRAPHY: Star Trek #53 & 54, "Timecrime" Parts 1 & 2 of 5
 NEXT MONTH IN RIF
 FROM THE EDITOR
 Editorial Notices
 Copyright Notices
 Solicitations for next newsletter
 Back issues of RIF available
 Addresses of contributors

=======================
 YOU WILL BE ASSIMILATED
 =======================
 by Swannox of Borg

What would happen if...
 The Bridge Crew of NCC-1701 D were assimilated
 ----------------------------------------------
   Picard: would become Locutus (easy)
   Riker: would become Will Like Her or Willeatus
   Geordi: would become Lavarus
   Deanna: would become Badhairus or Bikerchickus
   Dr. Crusher: would become "I'm not a doctor, but I play one on
 TVus.
   Data would become: Beavus
   Worf would become: Butthead (he he he he...hehehehehe. FIRE
 FIRE FIRE)

   IF WE EVER GET AROUND TO IT, WHAT WOULD HAPPEN IF DS9 WAS
 ASSIMILATED?

=========
 PIE, BORG
 =========
 A parody of ST:TNG's "I, Borg" by Leonard Richardson

Teaser:
   Picard: (voiceover) Captain's Log, stardate 45854.2. We are
 surveying the Galorndan system for possible colonization. Having
 said that, we will now totally abandon that mission in order to
 do something silly.
 <The bridge.>
   Worf:  Captain, I am receiving a coded transmission. It seems
 to be...a distress signal.
   Picard: Why would anyone code a distress signal?
   Worf: They're narrowing down my lines. Now I only have 11
 different lines, and four of them are different ways of saying
 <grunt>.
   Riker: Well, hang in there Worf.
   Troi: We're all rooting for you.
   Geordi: We'll get you that new contract yet.
   Worf: <grunt>
   Riker: Hey, which number was that?
   Worf: #2.
   Data: What about the distress call?
   Riker: Oh yeah...  Well, put it on screen.
   Worf: I can't.
   Riker: Why not?
   Worf: It is dishonorable, Alexander. Someday you'll
 understand.
   Picard: What?
   Geordi: Worf only has 11 lines! He can't say whatever he wants
 to like the rest of us!
   Picard: This is a crisis! Call sickbay!
   Riker: It's a CONTRACT, problem, sir.
   Picard: Oh yeah. Um... call his agent!
   Data: <interrupting> Sir, a small explosion has taken place on
 the moon of the third planet. I believe it was a ship crashing.
   Picard: You'll just have to make do, Mr. Worf. Let's go down
 to that planet so we can start the parody.
   Worf: My father was NOT a traitor!
 <A snowy moon. A small cube has crashed, and Borg bodies are
 scattered all over the place. The away team beams down.>
   Worf: Firing phasers, sir.
   Geordi: Agh! How are we gonna know what he's saying?
   Crusher: I know! Let's play charades!
   Worf: <falls over as if dead>
   Geordi: Dead?
   Worf: <gets up, nods vigorously. Points to the Borg bodies.>
   Geordi: Oh, I get it. They're all dead.
   Crusher: (checking tricorder) Not quite. Over here!
 <They run to the cube and push aside some sheet metal. There,
 under it, is a blueberry pie, but something is strange about it.
 The crust is pasty white, and the tin is covered with wires.
 Zoom in on it.>
   <<COMMERCIAL BREAK>>
 <The planet again.>
   Picard: (over communicator) You mean one of them survived the
 crash?
   Crusher: Yup. We have to take it back to the ship or it'll
 die!
   Picard: It's a Borg!
   Crusher: So what? If we don't take it on board, we'll have to
 end the parody right now!
   Picard: We've already gone over 100! Why not?
   Crusher: We'll speed it up. Let's go.
 <The hallway. Crusher is carrying the pie towards sickbay, Geordi
 is following her. Suddenly an attractive (well, for a Borg)
 female Borg runs over to Crusher and hugs the pie>
   Female Borg: Hi!
   Crusher: What are you doing?
   Female Borg: What, isn't this that heartwarming parody, "Hi,
 Borg?"
   Crusher: NO! Go away! You're taking up room in the parody!
 <Tasha appears and phasers the female Borg. She disappears.>
 <Sickbay.>
   Pie: (Says nothing)
   Crusher: Wait a minute, this won't work! The Borg has to
 realize that he's an individual or the parody won't work!
   Geordi: None of the other ones worked either!
   Crusher: That's beside the point.
 <Suddenly a shady man in a trenchcoat enters and runs over to the
 pie.>
   Shady Man in a Trenchcoat: Hey, buddy!
   Crusher: What are you doing here!?!?!
   Shady Man in a Trenchcoat: What, isn't this that heartwarming
 parody, "Spy, Borg?"
   Crusher and Geordi: NO! Go away!
   <Shady Man in a Trenchcoat gets phasered.>
   Crusher: Now where were we?
   Geordi: I forgot. I think we should do a commercial.
   <<COMMERCIAL BREAK>>
 <But this is no ordinary commercial break. This commercial break
 has both the MCI commercial with the ST cast and the Hallmark
 commercial with Dr. Crusher's assistant where it's obvious that
 she's trying to keep from cracking up. Just thought you should
 know.>
 <The conference room. Data is pointing at a Three Stooges rerun.>
   Data: No one would be able to survive all this silly stuff in
 reality. So if we insert it into the pie's brain, it will spread
 like a virus etc. etc.
   Picard: Good. Start immediately.
   Geordi: You know, captain, I've been happening second thoughts
 about this whole thing.
   Picard: What do you mean?
   Geordi: If we go through all that morality stuff, this
 parody'll be too long like the last one was and Leonard'll stop
 it!
   Picard: Your concern is noted. We'll skip all that.
 <Empty space. Suddenly Q appears, wearing a camera around his
 neck>
   Q: Hi, I'm Q, just making my cameo. Have you ever considered
 taking up photography as a hobby? For example--"
 <He aims the camera at the Enterprise, which is cruising by, but
 Tasha appears and phasers him. She disappears.>
 <The bridge. Worf is surrounded by paper with writing on it. A
 quick glance reveals that the writing says things like "Yes, sir"
 "<grunt>" "Gagh on rye, hold the O-positive" and "Call Da Warren
 BBS".>
   Picard: Prepare to beam the pie into my ready room.
   Worf: It is dishonorable, Alexander. Someday you'll
 understand.
 <The ready room. Picard walks in and the pie beams in.>
   Picard: Now, pie, I understand that you--"
 <He stops. The pie says nothing.>
   Picard: This is idiotic.
 <Suddenly a woman in black runs in, weeping.>
   Woman in Black: Oh, boo hoo hoo!"
   Picard: What's the matter?
   Woman in Black: What, isn't this that heartwarming parody,
 "Cry, Borg?"
   Picard: Agh!
 <Tasha appears and phasers Woman in Black. She disappears.>
   Picard: (to pie) I am Baldus of Borg*! You will answer to me!
   Pie: says nothing
   Picard: What?
   Pie: Nothing. Leonard just forgot to put the brackets there.
   Picard: Agh!
   <Suddenly a wise Chinese philosopher wanders in.>
   Wise Chinese Philosopher: Hm... I wonder why?
   Picard: Why what?
   Wise Chinese Philosopher: Why anything? Why are we here? Why
 is this parody so lame?
   Picard: Huh?
   Wise Chinese Philosopher: What, isn't this that heartwarming
 parody, "Why, Borg?"
   Picard: Out! Out!
 <He chases the Wise Chinese Philosopher out. Tasha appears, looks
 around in confusion, and then phasers the pie. She disappears.>
   Picard: Agh! Now we can't do any more of the parody! Oh well,
 it was pretty stupid anyway. I think I'll go to Ten-Forward and
 have a Pepsi.
 <Pull back to reveal that we have been watching this on a movie
 screen in an auditorium.>
   Convention Dude: And that was the sneak preview of that
 heartwarming parody that's coming soon. That was "Rye, Borg," I
 mean "Pry, Borg," I mean "Shy, Borg," I mean...
 <Tasha appears and phasers him. A whole 50 lines short of 300
 too.>
 --Lawrence Richardson

========================================
 LIFE IN THE 24TH CENTURY IS NOT TOO DULL
 ========================================
   A typical Dr. Who episode: Episode #13,013... the Cybermen
 show up and we have a three-way fight, with the Cybermen and Borg
 working together to assimilate the Daleks, but each plotting to
 assimilate the other when the Daleks were assimilated. It was
 entitled, "The 246 Doctors"--it was raining Tardises, yet
 somehow, every Doctor seemed to know which was his or her Tardis
 (every now and then after 1998, the Doctor regenerated as a
 female), but the Companions were running into each other trying
 to figure out which Tardis was which.
   The best moment of the episode, which was a record 11 hours
 and eight minutes, not including the commercials, was when we
 learned that The Master had accidentally used four of his
 regenerations at once, and became known as The Q.  The Time Lords
 exiled him.
   They started making cartoons again, too.  The "Road Runner"
 cartoons are  still being made... Wile E. Coyote was last seen
 using "Acme Space Warp" to try and put the Road Runner into a
 causality loop so he could predict the warp- speed-powered bird's
 course and line himself up for a meal. Last scene is the Coyote
 endlessly falling off a cliff and getting flattened at the
 bottom.
   You think "colorized" movies were a big deal?  Oh, how George
 Lucas was  incensed when he turned on the TV in his "Old Movie
 Makers Retirement Home"  room on his 104th birthday to see that
 they'd turned "Star Wars" into an  interactive movie.  On the
 other hand, Huston was ecstatic to learn that his old B&W movies,
 which Ted Turner colorized, were made interactive.
   When the Klingons heard about our "Murder Mystery" parlor
 games they adapted the idea, but with one difference:  a real
 stiff and a real murderer. Seems it was quite novel, since
 Klingon villains typically have no trial.
   Square dancing is still around, but now there aren't merely 67
 moves in  Mainstream... there are 109, several of which were
 added in the 22nd Century. When the caller does a patter call,
 many use a prompter that tells them after each move what to call
 next to unscramble the squares and get each dancer home with
 his/her partner.  If the caller ignores the advice, the advice
 adapts to the new configuration and makes a new suggestion.  The
 best callers still do it off the top of the head. When square
 dancing came to J'naii, however, the whole thing broke down until
 they decided to substitute "tallers" for "boys" and "shorters"
 for "girls."
   Trivial Pursuit is still played, with Edition #114.  Sample
 question in  "Geography":  "What happened to Star System L-374."
 Answer: "All but two planets were eaten by a giant alien
 machine."  In History, "Who was the greatest computer-
 reprogrammer in Federation history?"  Answer, "Captain
 James T. Kirk", no doubt referring to Nomad, Landru and the
 Eminians.
   Kids play "Snakes and Ladders", but now its called "Borgs and
 Ladders". The game board is now 3D, and is designed like a Borg
 spacecraft.  If you meet the Borg more than three times, they've
 "adapted" to you and you are assimilated, becoming an obstacle to
 the remaining players.  Usually, no one ever finishes the game.
   Kids also play "Tribble Trap" where they put together pieces
 that eventually work together to trap their tribble under a cage.
 --Warp5

==============
 BORG NOSTALGIA
 ==============
 Reliving the Collective's overlooking the
 Big Cahuna Emeritus' birthday! (09/92)
 -----------------------------------------
 [This is a post seen on Prodigy in the Arts BB under the subject
 "Borg Burger King" on September 30, 1992].

   A bustling and extremely noisy BORG BURGER KING screeched to a
 halt as the resounding and martial Empire March (The Darth Vader
 Theme from "The Empire Strikes Back." You know, the one that goes
 DUMMM DUMMM DA DUMMM DA DA DUMMMM DA DA DUMMMM...) boomed
 outside. All the Borgs ducked for cover as a hurricane wind blew
 the swing doors of the BBK off its hinges.
   "ATTENTION! ATTENTION! THE GREAT AND POWERFUL SUPREME BORG
 EMERITUS IS COMING, AND HE'S PISSED OFF BECAUSE EVERYONE FORGOT
 HIS BIRTHDAY!!!!!" screeches a megaphone.
    Then, without warning, the dark prince of Borgdom himself,
 the unloved and feared Novellus, who's birthday was forgotten by
 EVERY MEMBER OF HIS FAMILY and all his Borg friends, INCLUDING
 OXNARDUS (with the exception of a really nifty greeting card from
 Semenovich), storms into the Borg Burger King. He looks really
 ticked off, like someone took his entire stock of Root Beer and
 ejected it into a black hole. But even that deed could not equal
 the sheer rage he was about to bestow upon the poor undeserving
 souls of the Borg Burger King.
   WHAMMMM!!!!!
   The gauntleted black fists of bionic doom pounded on the
 Formica (TM) counter of the Borg Burger King. A shivering cash
 register attendant cringes behind a point-of-sale terminal as
 Novellus's glowing red laser-eyes shine their warm targeting dots
 on his skull.
   "I want a QUADRUPLE whopper with bacon, cheese, and extra
 tomatoes and pickle with NO MAYONNAISE. I want an EXTRA-THICK
 strawberry shake, a large fries, and a Cahuna (128 Oz.) sized Dr.
 Pepper with NO ICE. Got that?"
   The cash-register attendant begins to sweat profusely. "Did
 you say a QUADRUPLE whopper with bacon AND cheese?"
   "Yes. IS THERE A PROBLEM WITH THAT?"
   "Ummmmmm.....No, its just that we never got a request for a
 Whopper (TM) large sandwich with over ONE POUND of meat on it.
 That's going to pose some very severe technical problems."
   "How tough can it be? You cook four patties in the microwave
 and slap some bacon and cheese on them and put it on a sesame
 seed bun with some pickles and tomatoes!"
   "Well, it's not the cooking process that's the problem. You
 see, due to bad planning, our point of sale system was never
 programmed for the inevitability that the Supreme Borg Emeritus
 would ever come to visit and order a QUADRUPLE whopper. Being
 that the system is directly hooked into the collective's main
 supercomputer resources, there's no telling what would happen if
 I tried to enter it...."
   Novellus turns red-faced with anger -- "Damn the supercomputer
 resources! I want a Quadruple Whopper with Bacon and Cheese and I
 want it now!"
 --Novellus

================================
 BORG TAGLINES SEEN IN CYBERSPACE
 ================================
 Part Two: I
 -----------
 I! am! Kirkus! of! Borg! Prepare! to! be! assimilated!
 I am Al of Borg. Aww, Peg, I don't wanna assimilate you.
 I am Barney of Borg. Prepare to be nauseated.
 I am Batman of Borg, you will be assimilated, foul fiend.
 I am Beavis of Borg. Assimilation is cool. Heh-heh-heh
 I am Beldar of Borg.  We will assimilate mass quantities.
 I am Bjorn of Borg.  Wimbledon is irrelevant.
 I am Blofeld of Borg. You will be assimilated, Mr. Bond.
 I am Bob Barker of Borg.  You will come on down.
 I am Bones of Borg. Jim, I'm an assimilater, not a doctor
 I am Borg.  James Borg.
 I am Borg                 , who are you?
 I am Borgs Bunny.  What's assimilation, Doc?
 I am Bubba of Borg.  Y'all fixin' to be assimilated.
 I am Bud of Borg. Can I assimilate you, please, just once
 I am Bugs Bunny of Borg.  What's up, Collective?
 I am Bundy of Borg.  No, I won't assimilate you, Peg!!!!!
 I am ButtHead of Borg. Resistance sucks, duh-huh-huh
 I am Cat of Borg.  We will assimilate your shiny things.
 I am Chevy Chase of Borg, and you're not!
 I am Chevy Chase of Borg - and I hate your guts.
 I am Clinton of Borg. Your wages will be assimilated...
 I am Clinton of Borg. You will be assimila... BIG MACS!!
 I am Clinton of Borg: Resistance is taxable!
 I am Clinton of Borg, prepare your money for assimilation
 I am Clinton of Borg. You may or may not be assimilated.
 I am CopyCat of Borg. Your tagline will be assimilated!
 I am Curly of Borg.  Resistance is futile, woo woo woo...
 I am Cyrano Jones of Borg.  Want to buy a borg tribble?
 I am Cyrus of Borg.  You will be achy breaky assimilated.
 I am Dangerfield of Borg.  Respect is irrelevant
 I am Dax of Borg.  My slug has been assimilated.
 I am Descartes of Borg: I assimilate, therefore I am.
 I am Dirty Harry of Borg. Go ahead...resist us...
 I am E.T. of Borg.  Home is irrelevant.
 I am Ed McMahon of Borg.  You may already be assimilated!
 I am Elders of Borg: A planned and wanted assimilation
 I am Elmer Fudd of Borg.  Pwepawe to be Assimiwated.
 I am Flintstone of Borg.  You will be yabbadabbasimilated
 I am Fudd of Borg.  Pwepare to be assimiwated.
 I am Fudd of Borg. Wesistance is Yusewess. Huh-huh-hut!
 I am Gilligan of Borg.  Escape from the island is futile.
 I am Ginzu of Borg. You shall be amputated. But Wait!
 I am Gomer of Borg!  Golly we are gonna assimilate ya!
 I am Hamlet, Prince of Borg. Prepare to be...or not to be
 I am Hillary of Borg.  Choice is irrelevant.
 I am Homer of Borg. Prepare to be assimi... Oooh! Donuts!
 I am Jordon of Borg.  Gravity is irrelevant.
 I am Kelly of Borg. Can I (what's that word, daddy?)
 I am Kelly of Borg. Can I oh, you know what I mean.
 I am Khan of Borg.  From hell's heart I assimilate thee..
 I am Kira of Borg. Wanna make something out of it??!!!!
 I am Kirk of Borg.  You!  Will!  Be!  Assimilated!
 I am Koresh of Borg.  Prepare to be immolated.
 I am Koresh of Borg, we will be incinerated.
 I am Lancelot of Borg. Resistance is feudal.
 I am Locutus of Borg. This tagline was assimilated.
 I am Locutus . . . of Borg.  Resistance is futile.
 I am Locutus of Borg.  Do you have any Grey Poupon?
 I am Locutus of Borg, this tagline is irrelevant.
 I am Locutus of Borg. I demand Earl Grey tea - for 1000000.
 I am Macintosh of Borg.  It takes a while to assimilate.
 I am Marvin of Borg. Guess what weapons we have. Go on, guess
 I am McCoy of Borg,...You will Damn well be assimilated
 I am McMahon of Borg.  You shall be on Star Search.
 I am Moderator of Borg.Resistance is futile.You will obey
 I am Mr. T of Borg.  I pity da fool that resists me.
 I am Opie of Borg.  Can I assimilate 'em, Pa?
 I am Peg of Borg. Al, I need to be assimilated NOW!
 I am Perot of Borg. We should assimilate for the children
 I am Pike of Borg.  Beep beep.
 I am Popeye of Borg. Prepare to be askimilgrated.
 I am Porky of Borg.  You will be assim...bdeh...assim...
 I am Quayle of Borg.  Speling is Irevelant
 I am Reagan of Borg. Prepare to be...uh, I don't recall
 I am Rush of Borg, Prepare to have meaning attached.
 I am Scott of Borg.  Resistance dinna matter.
 I am Shakespeare of Borg.  Prepare to be, or not to be.
 I am so old, I still think Borg is a tennis player
 I am Spock of Borg.  Resistance is illogical.
 I am Sybil of Borg: I will assimilate myself.
 I am Tagline of Borg.  Go ahead!  Assimilate me!
 I am Terminator of Borg.  Hasta Lassimilation, Baby!
 I am Tim Allen of Borg. Prepare to be Re-wired.
 I am Troi of Borg. Your Chocolate will be assimilated.
 I am Troi of Borg. How does assimilation make you feel?
 I am Trojan of Borg:  Assimilation is safe sex.
 I am Uhura of Borg.  Assimilation frequencies open, sir.
 I am Wayne of Borg. Resistance isn't futile. NOT!
 I am Wesley of Borg. Even THEY don't like me!
 I am Worf of Borg.  Resistance is *without* honor.
 I am Yoda of Borg:  Assimilated will you be ... hmm?
 I am Zaphod of Borg. You will be...Whoa! Babes!
 I am Zsa Zsa of Borg.  Prepare to be assimilated dahling.
 I canna change the laws of assimilation - Scotty of Borg
 I like my species the way it is. - Worf to Locutus
 I want your clothes, boots, and, oh yeah, you're assimilated
 I'd rather be assimilating. - Borg Bumper-sticker.
 If Ensign Ro were assimilated, she'd be a Bajoran Borg.
 If you can read this, you're irrelevant. -Borg
 Irrelevant, proper order of words is.   Yoda of Borg
 It is irrelevant that the Borg do it.
 It's a futile day in the neigh-Borg-hood...
 It's Hip To Be Square!  - Borg Chamber of Commerce
 It's not a human, dammit! It's a Borg!" - Picard
 It's the Borg!!  Quick, look useless...

====================
 STAR TREK COMICOLOGY
 ====================
 by Oxnardus of Borg

From October '93 to February '94, DC Comics Star Trek ran a five-
 part series called "Timecrime". Easily one of the best (if not
 the best) miniseries ran in the entire Star Trek comic book
 corpus, one could not be surprised to see "Timecrime" later
 issued as a graphic novel. This series is more complex and
 contains more plot twists than either the "Mirror Universe Saga"
 (from the previous ST series in DC, released separately in
 graphic novel form) or STNG's "The Worst of Both Worlds"
 (reviewed in RIF #8-10). Both of these miniseries have received
 critical acclaim in the Star Trek comic book world.

Star Trek, Issue #53 (October 1993)
 "Timecrime" Part 1/5 Sub-titled "What's Wrong With the Timeline?"
   Writer: Howard Weinstein; Penciller: Rod Whigham; Inker: Arne
 Starr; Letterer: Richard Stakings; Colorist: Matt Webb; Cover:
 Rod Whigham & Carlos Garzon. Editor: Alan Gold. Published by DC
 Comics.
   PLOT:  The story begins in an altered timeline.  During a
 temporal disturbance (hey, happens all the time on TNG!) the
 Enterprise discovers a Romulan warship. This causes much ado
 since in this timeline the Romulan Empire was destroyed 50 years
 prior.
          The Romulan admiral (what luck...an admiral's on
 board!) Jaricus explains that he and his associate were on a time
 travel mission.  When they returned, they found themselves in a
 timeline where the Klingons and Federation were allies and the
 Romulans were an extinct race.  The Romulan's suspect that
 someone went back in time and altered history in order to
 eliminate the Romulan Empire.
          Now begins the discussions as to how to determine the
 "correct" timeline.  The alternate Trekians cannot decide whether
 they are the alternate timeline or the Romulans are in fact time
 saboteurs attempting to alter the "correct" timeline in order to
 revive the Romulan Empire.
          To resolve the issue, the Federation decides to solicit
 the help of the Guardian of Forever.  The Romulans are at first
 skeptical, but finally agree to the use of the Guardian when
 Jaricus is granted observer status.
   COVER: Kirk, Sulu and Worf [THE Worf's granddaddy!] on the
 bridge of the Enterprise, with Sulu at helm, Kirk looking forward
 at the Romulan cruiser on the view screen. Worf is facing the
 audience with his Klingon hand clenched. The text on the cover
 states: "Star Trek.  What is wrong with the timeline?
 Everything!" Hey! The cover actually corresponds with what is
 going on in the book!
  COMMENTS:  The reader obviously knows that the narrative
 timeline is the wrong timeline since the First Officer on the
 Enterprise-A is Worf and not Spock (the reader also is
 FORESHADOWED this state of affairs by having Worf on the bridge
 with Kirk and Sulu on the cover). However, the book raises an
 excellent issue...when confronted with of proof of competing
 timelines: how does one determine which timeline is the proper
 one? There is also a discussion, albeit short, on the idea that
 since they are obviously already in a timeline they have been
 happily living with for hundreds of years, then what they are
 living in should by default be the "correct" timeline. The book,
 limited by it's medium, is unable to deeply explore these side
 problems dealing with alternative universes, but it is
 nevertheless refreshing seeing some of them mentioned...even if
 in passing.
          Star Trek, in all of it's incarnations, has explored
 the concept of time travel and it's effect on the march of time.
 Their solution was to create "alternative" timelines. In the TNG
 episode "Parallels", they even introduced the idea of a "quantum
 signature" which would allow a product of one timeline to be
 matched with their originating timeline. That was, of course,
 TNG, a whole generation ahead of TOS. This comic is TOS,
 therefore, they could not use that technical knowledge.

Star Trek, Issue #54 (November 1993)
 "Timecrime" Part 2/5 Sub-titled "Nightmares"
  Writer: Howard Weinstein; Penciller: Rod Whigham; Inker: Arne
 Starr; Letterer: Bob Pinaha; Colorist: Stuart Chaifetz; Cover:
 Rod Whigham & Carlos Garzon. Editor: Alan Gold. Published by DC
 Comics.
  PLOT:  At the Guardian of Forever, Kirk discovers that the
 timeline which they are currently living has been definitely
 altered. Kirk also discovers that the change involved a specific
 event in Klingon history and will include, as an indirect result,
 the death of his son, David. Apparently, in this timeline, Kirk
 raised David with Carol Marcus. They were a happy, nuclear
 family.
          Spock and Kor, a Klingon historian with a portfolio
 full of credentials, determined that the time bandits seven
 centuries ago saved the Klingon ruler Khartan from being
 assassinated (pretty tricky, those time bandits).
          A lot of politicking goes on until the powers that be
 decide that "an effort must be made to reestablish the original
 timelime" (even though it is obvious no one really wants to!).
          Spock and Admiral Jaricus remain on the planet to
 observe the Guardian while the "Special Team" prepares to jump
 through the Guardian of Forever. The "Special Team" consists of
 the surgically altered (to look like Klingons) Kirk, Uhura, Sulu
 and McCoy. They are accompanied by already "Klingoned by Birth":
 Worf and Kor.
   COVER: Before the Guardian of Forever, stand dressed in
 ancient Klingon warrior garb, Kirk and Sulu (both surgically
 altered to look like Klingons), and Kirk's new side-kick, Worf.
 Sulu and Kirk have their blades raised while Worf carries his
 battle axe in both hands. All wear different styles of shoes and
 armor, but still keep that attractive (and sharp!) medieval
 Klingon look. They are dressed to kill.
          Words on cover: "Star Trek. Desperate Measures!"
   COMMENTS: To get around the lack of a way to determine who
 belongs where, the solution is to use the Guardian of Forever to
 work out the time problem.
             TNG episodes have developed a theory that all the
 timelines exist concurrently and that one specific timeline has
 no intrinsic value over another except to the timeline traveller
 one who originally belongs to it. Again, in the TNG universe,
 that is determined by an object's quantum signature.  TOS,
 however, appears to make a difference between parallel universes
 (e.g. Mirror, Mirror: where the valiant crew have to go up
 against a Spock with a goatee and a militaristic, empirical Star
 Fleet) and altered timelines (e.g., City on the Edge of Forever:
 do I need to give a plotline? The show where Hitler wins and the
 Federation doesn't exist because McCoy saves Edith Keeler!).  TNG
 appears not to hold to this theory (e.g. Yesterday's Enterprise -
 where the Enterprise-C mucks up the timeline and creates a
 Federation about to be eaten by the Klingons AND Parallels -
 where Worf gets unstuck in timelines).
       And what does this all mean? I haven't the slightest idea!
  SAMPLE LINE: McCoy: "I'm a doctor -- not a damned oracle."

Next month: Issue 55!!!

=================
 NEXT MONTH IN RIF
 =================
 YOU WILL BE ASSIMILATED: Borgzilla--A Gigantic Reptile Borg
 THE BORG VS. THE DUKES OF HAZARD
 BORG JOKE
 BORG TAGLINES SEEN IN CYBERSPACE  Part 3: J - Z
 BORG SING-A-LONG: "Born to be a Borg"
 ALL THINGS COME TO SHE WHO WAITS
 HOW TO DESTROY THE BORG
 HITCH-HIKERS GUIDE TO STAR TREK: THE NEXT GENERATION
    [DON'T PANIC]  Part 1 of 8
 STAR TREK PARODY: MAYONNAISE
 STAR TREK COMICOLOGY

===============
 FROM THE EDITOR
 ===============
   Our new procedure for sending out RIF to regular subscribers
 did not work last month. Therefore the February '93 (#18) issue
 of RIF was sent out late. Thousand pardons. To date, however,
 everyone appears to have received RIF #18 in complete form.
 Again, if you are missing an issue of RIF, just e-mail me and I
 will put you on the mailing queue for back issues.
   Next month RIF will be starting an EIGHT PART (oh no!!!!)
 serializing of "Hitch-Hiker's Guide to Star Trek: The Next
 Generation [Don't Panic]. If you don't remember HHG, better break
 it out and read it so you can catch all the jokes.
   Also, next month, RIF will begin the arduous task of
 presenting ALL of the STNG 7th season parodies from HareWare
 Productions. Yes! That means there will be a HareWare parody in
 every issue of RIF until hell freezes over. Spooky, but true.
   Finally, the wait for back issues will get longer as RIF
 boldly marches into the future. Currently there are 21 separate
 mailings for RIF back issues. They take approximately 3-4 minutes
 to send out...that makes an entire run (including prep time,
 etc.) potentially 90 minutes!!! Therefore, instead of making one
 complete sweep a month, I will begin to attempt to get through
 half the backlog per month. In theory, this would mean every
 other month I'd send out 1-8 and the next 8-18, or something
 similar to that. For the month of February I sent out 1-8.
   Remember, the Borg Club is located EVERYWHERE. If you wish to
 be assimilated just ask a local Borg to do so, or do it yourself.
 There is no shame in being a self-made borg. We are sure they are
 many who would be more than happy to assimilate you quickly and
 painlessly, not to mention take your culture and technology from
 you as well.
 --Oxnardus

========================================================
 SUBSCRIPTION SERVICE & LISTING OF RIF DISTRIBUTION SITES
 ========================================================
   If you have an e-mail address at InterNet, Genie, NVN,
 Prodigy, AOL, Compu-serve, or FidoNet (or anything else that has
 a gateway to any of these services or is convertible to an
 Internet address), you can get on the RIF subscription list and
 have RIF sent to you via e-mail each month. Just e-mail your
 request to Oxnardus and your name will be put on the list. If you
 are not on Genie, be sure to send your InterNet address.
   Also, if you are a SysOp and you'd like to be a distribution
 site for RIF (and insure your copy of RIF one week prior to e-
 mail subscriptions!), please contact Oxnardus of Borg (addresses
 given below).
   BBS distribution centers (when you call, tell them you heard
 about their BBS from RIF!):
 Phone           Name              City        ST SysOp
 -----------------------------------------------------------------
 [phone]  RIPCITY           Tacoma      WA  Ripley
 [phone]  THE Q CONTINUUM               OK  The Q
 [phone]  U.S.S. NEXUS BBS  B.C.        CAN Admiral Kirk
 [phone]  SUNY-BBS          Binghamton  NY  Drew Halasz
 [phone]  THE X-FACTOR      Kalamazoo   MI  Lord Vader
 [phone]  BCSM BBS          Boston      MA  J. M. Tretakoff
 [phone]  THE ACCESS BBS    Scott AFB   IL  C. Claybaugh
 [phone]  DA WARREN         Arvin       CA  L. Richardson
 [phone]  QUACKIN' UP       Santa Paula CA  Jeff Mercer
 [phone]  THE REALM         Camarillo   CA  Musical

=================
 COPYRIGHT NOTICES
 =================
 "RIF" acknowledges that Paramount Pictures and its various
 subsidiaries as having the sole rights to the Star Trek
 trademark. "RIF" has no intention to infringe upon that copyright
 or earn profit from this publication. It is distributed free of
 charge. This newsletter may be distributed by anyone if kept
 intact and not altered in any way. Consider it shareware
 publishing! Resistance is Futile, copyright (c) 1994 by RIF BBS.

=================================
 SOLICITATIONS FOR NEXT NEWSLETTER
 =================================
 The next Resistance is Futile will be released on or about May 1,
 1994 to regular e-mail subscribers and on or about April 23, 1994
 to BBS subscribers. Send submissions to Oxnardus, Ripley, or
 Swannox at the addresses notated below for consideration for a
 future issue. "RIF" is a non-profit fan publication. All
 submissions for publication should be sent to the editors. The
 editors retain editorial control and reprint privileges over the
 submitted materials and reserve the right to use the material in
 whatever way they deem appropriate. Submitted materials will not
 be returned to the sender.

============================
 BACK ISSUES OF RIF AVAILABLE
 ============================
 Missing an issue? Just e-mail Oxnardus which issue you want. we
 shall endeavor to send it out to you as soon as time permits.
 This is a volunteer outfit so it may take one day, it may take
 thirty days...but rest assured, you shall receive it! The
 requested issue will be sent to you via InterNet or Genie e-mail.
 If you do not have access to InterNet or any InterNet gateways,
 just send $2.00 per issue (for handling and postage) to RIF BBS,
 P.O. Box 7822, Oxnard, CA 93031. Please indicate which issue you
 desire.  All back issues are available!

=========================
 ADDRESSES OF CONTRIBUTORS
 =========================
 EDITORS:
 -------
   OXNARDUS: Editor-in-Chief. Genie:K.Taborn; Prodigy:HCMH17A;
 InterNet: [e-mail] OR oxnardus@therealm; MajorNet:
 Narda@fnz; FidoNet: Oxnardus @ 1:206/2513; VirtualNet: 197 @
 1805020; WWIVNet: Oxnardus 115 @ 8500; AnarchyNet: Oxnardus @
 42:1005/1201; RipCity BBS, DA WARREN: Oxnardus; RIME: Kym Taborn;
 US Mail: RIF BBS, P.O. Box 7822, Oxnard, CA 93031
   RIPLEY: Editor, Big Cahuna West Coast. Genie:M.Samuels1;
 Prodigy:NRCR88A; InterNet:[e-mail]; RipCity BBS:
 Ripley.
   SWANNOX: Editor, Big Cahuna East Coast. Bitnet: Swann1@MUVMS6;
 Internet: [e-mail]; Prodigy: JPRN49A

CONTRIBUTORS:
 ------------
 Leonard Richardson: SySop: Da Warren BBS [phone]
 Fraclicutus: Prodigy
 Tricius: Currently off-line
 Novellus: Currently off-line
 Warp5: Genie: G.CAPP








Path: newserv.ksu.ksu.edu!moe.ksu.ksu.edu!vixen.cso.uiuc.edu!howland.reston.ans.net!darwin.sura.net!wvnvms!marshall.wvnet.edu!swann1
Newsgroups: rec.arts.startrek.current
Subject: BORG NEWSLETTER #20
Message-ID: <1994Apr22.000155.5748@muvms6>
From: [e-mail]
Date: 22 Apr 94 00:01:55 EDT
Organization: Marshall University
Lines: 836




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        * |  I |     *|   |       *|     |      *| U  |____
        * |  S ~~~~~~~  /         *|  I  |      *| T       \
        * |  T  ____    \         *|  S  |      *| I   ____/
        * |  A |*** \    \        *|     |      *| L  |***
        * |  N |    * \    \   ___*|     |____  *| E  |
        * |  C |      * \    \/               \ *|    |
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           *****          **** **************     *****
                              P.O. Box 7822
                            Oxnard, CA 93031

THE OFFICIAL ORGAN OF THE GALACTIC BORG CONSCIOUSNESS
 ISSUE NUMBER 20
 May 1994

RESISTANCE IS FUTILE ("RIF") is published and edited by Oxnardus,
 Ripley, and Swannox for distribution on international, national
 and local electronic services, bulletin board conferences, and
 databases. Resistance is Futile is the official newsletter of the
 International Borg Club. Address listings, copyright notices,
 editorial notices, and information on back issues are printed at
 the end of this newsletter. All correspondence should be sent by
 e-mail to Oxnardus, Ripley, or Swannox (addresses given at end of
 newsletter) or mailed to "Resistance is Futile", P.O. Box 7822,
 Oxnard, CA 93031.

=========
 CONTENTS
 =========
 FROM THE EDITOR-IN-CHIEF
 YOU WILL BE ASSIMILATED: Borgzilla -A Gigantic Reptile Borg
 THE BORG VS. THE DUKES OF HAZARD
 BORG JOKE
 BORG TAGLINES SEEN IN CYBERSPACE  Part 3: J - Z
 BORG SING-A-LONG: "Born to be a Borg"
 ALL THINGS COME TO SHE WHO WAITS
 HOW TO DESTROY THE BORG
 HITCH-HIKERS GUIDE TO STAR TREK: THE NEXT GENERATION
    [DON'T PANIC]  Part 1 of 8
 STAR TREK PARODY: MAYONNAISE [Liaisons] TNG 254
 STAR TREK COMICOLOGY
 NEXT MONTH IN RIF
 Editorial Notices
 Copyright Notices
 Solicitations for next newsletter
 Back issues of RIF available
 Addresses of contributors

========================
 FROM THE EDITOR-IN-CHIEF
 ========================
   Because of immediate cash flow problems, RIF #20 was released
 30 days in advance on March 31, 1994. I am hoping that the
 monetary problems will be solved by June 1, 1994!  If not, all
 subscribers shall be given notice of the future of RIF.
   This month RIF begins serialization of a fun Star Trek:
 TNG/Hitch-Hiker's Guide cross-over parody. It will be presented
 in 8 parts. Also, this month RIF will begin a parody presentation
 of the entire 7th season from HareWare Productions. Since
 "Descent, Part 2" has already been in RIF #15 (12/93), this
 seasonal presentation will begin with "Mayonnaise", a parody of
 "Liaisons" ST:TNG episode #154. The parodies will continue in
 production code order until reaching the final episode of ST:TNG.

=======================
 YOU WILL BE ASSIMILATED
 =======================
 by Swannox of Borg

BORGZILLA -A Gigantic Reptile Borg-
 -----------------------------------
 Japan...a tiny set of little islands in the pacific on the planet
 earth. SECTOR: 0,0,1. It also seems to be where the raw fish...
 er, Materials and Technology are. After all attempts failed due
 to the vast skill of those darn videogame players and kung-fu
 experts etc. etc. etc.  SO AS THE EVER ADAPTING BORG...WHO BETTER
 TO ASSIMILATE JAPAN THAN GODZILLA????

================================
 THE BORG VS. THE DUKES OF HAZARD
 ================================
   Dukes of Hazard vs. the Borg.  I can see it now.  Bo drives
 the General Lee off of a conveniently placed ramp and puts the
 car into orbit.  Luke jumps through the window of the Borg ship
 and distracts them with moonshine and pictures of Daisy.
 Meanwhile Bo fires an arrow at the Borg ship which miraculously
 hits the self-destruct button.  Luke jumps out of the Borg ship
 and land squarely on the hood of the car just before the Borg
 ship blows up.  Upon return to Earth, they are immediately
 arrested by Sheriff Roscoe Peco Train who charges them with not
 having their car properly licensed for space travel.  Their bail
 is set by Boss Hogg at ten million dollars, forcing Uncle Ben to
 dig deep into his cookie jar for the money to post bail.
 ---David Webb

=========
 BORG JOKE
 =========
 Why can't Borg reproduce normally?
 Because they're infutile.
 ---Jake Bourne

================================
 ALL THINGS COME TO SHE WHO WAITS
 ================================
 A Meditation on the Acquisition of a Borg Action Figure
 -------------------------------------------------------
   Finally, I have my Lares or Penates or whatever: I have my
 Borg Action Figure. I was a good and mature adult the first time
 I saw one, right before Christmas, when I had fifty places for
 every penny and did not want to have to pack anything more than I
 had already.
   Until tonight, it was also the last time I saw him.
   Oh, I saw the hemiBorg, Locutus, a couple times, but it was
 not he I wished to include among my family portraits.
   So now The Borg stands on his Borg stand atop my MacIIci and
 in his implants I can see the calm assurance that RESISTANCE IS
 FUTILE and I can assimilate anything that comes my way.
   It even makes up for the fact that the trip to Toys R Us which
 resulted in his assimilating our cuboid was for the purpose,
 successfully executed, of acquiring Glitter Hair Barbie, and for
 once cent more, while supplies last, the BARBIE HAPPY BIRTHDAY
 video. Barbie is irrelevant. We will assimilate Skipper, Stacey,
 Midge, Teresa, Kira, Ken, Kevin, Midge, Todd, and yes even Ken
 and Barbie- the borg can always use more plastic for implant
 production...
 ---Olympius of Borg

=======================
 HOW TO DESTROY THE BORG
 =======================
 Have them assimilate... themselves !!!

"Resistance is resistance is resistance is resistance is....
 ...is futile is futile is futile is futile is..."

(recursive borg)

---D. Germans

================================
 BORG TAGLINES SEEN IN CYBERSPACE
 ================================
 Part Three: J - Z
 -----------------
 Join the group mind - become a Borg.
 Let LimBORG do it.  He knows everything.
 Life ain't easy for a Borg named Hugh.
 Locutus to Pontiac: Excitement is Irrelevant.
 Lubricant. Pennzoil. Steaming hot. - Locutus of Borg
 McBorgs, over half-billion assimilated.
 Me and you and a Borg named Hugh
 My other computer is a Borg.
 Next on Geraldo of Borg: brothers who assimilate sisters.
 Nice Borg.  Gooood Borg.  Urk!
 Only YOU can prevent futility. Smokey the Borg
 Packled Borg: We look for things. Things to assimilate.
 Prepare to be,like,totally assimilated,OK? Buffy of Borg
 Puddy Tat's are iwelevent   Tweety of Borg
 RESISTANCE IS FUTILE... - The Borg
 Resistance is futile (If < .0001 Ohm).
 Resistance is Illogical - Spockutis of Borg.
 Resistance is Useless!!! if < 1 ohm
 Riker, AKA "Number One." A spy for the Borg?
 Roger Daltry of Borg: Hope I die before I'm assimilated.
 Running is irrelevant.  Border is irrelevant.   Taco Borg
 Rush LimBorg: Liberals are irrelevant!
 Screw the Prime Directive...give the Borg a copy of Windows!
 Seinfeld of Borg: D'juh ever notice resistance is futile?
 Send the Borg a copy of Windows. That'll REALLY slow 'em
 Sorry, the Borg assimilated my mail packet.
 Sylvester of Borg: Birds are irrelevant.
 Sylvester of Borg: Succotash is irrelevant.
 Tennis is irrelevant - Bjorn Borg
 TerminatorBorg
 The Borg Are Back An' Theres Gonna Be Trouble Hey Na Hey
 The Borg assimilated me & all I got was this t-shirt.
 The Borg assimilated my race and all I got was this t-shirt.
 The Borg assimilated my race and all I got was this tagline.
 The Borg Cable Co: The subscriber's wishes are irrelevant
 THE BORG: Calm, Cool and Collective...
 The Borg Express Card: Assimilation has its privileges.
 The Borg have neither honor or courage.
 The Borg is *everywhere*!     "Riker"
 The Borg -- plastic surgery taken too far
 The final DOS version of Borg ... ClintonBorg!
 The Last Borg Scout - Starring Patrick Stewart as Locutus
 Tigger of Borg: Assimilatin' is what Tiggers do best!
 To Borg or not to Borg, the question is irrelevant!
 Troi of Borg: And how did assimilation make you feel?
 Victor Borg:  Pianos are irrelevant.
 Vote for Locutus/Hugh: 9 of 6 of the Collective Party!!!
 We are Pakled of Borg.  We look for irrelevance.
 We are FORMAT of Borg.  Your hard drive is assimilated...
 We brake for cubes!
 We have engaged the Borg.  The wedding will be Friday.
 We will not assimilate you..IF you can spell 'assimilate'
 Why Ask Why?  Try Borg Dry
 Yoooouuuuu'rreee Irrelevant!   Daffy Duck of Borg
 Your income is being assimilated   Clinton of Borg
 Your life, as it has been, is over.     Locutus of Borg
 You will be assimilated... during dinner. - Bates of Borg
 You will use Windows. Resistance is Futile.   Borg
 "I'm Beverly...", "I'm Geordi...", "We are Barney..."
 "They turned me into a Borg." "A Borg?" "Well, I got better"
 'Cause I'm a Borg, yea, yea, yea.
 #1 on BORG Hit Parade: "Borg in the 'Hood'"!
 #1 on BORG Hit Parade: "We all sleep in a single subroutine"

================
 BORG SING-A-LONG
 ================
 BORN TO BE BORG
 ---------------
 (To the tune of "Born to be Bad," by George Thorogood and the
 Delaware Destroyers)

At the time I was conceived
 The Collective was relieved
 "There's another unit in the Hive"
 Stuck with tubes
 And borne in cubes
 We assimilate all that's alive

I was grey and slow
 But I fought my foe
 Like the little cyborg that I was
 Then we met the E
 And on bended knee
 The android Lore became my "cous"

Born to be Borg
 That is that reason for my life
 Futile resistance deserves nothing but the knife

When my cells are pumped
 and my core is dumped
 I know what the robots will say
 They'll be glad to make me slag
 But all the 'droids will wag
 How I ran until my dying day

---Sean Keane

====================================================
 HITCH-HIKERS GUIDE TO STAR TREK: THE NEXT GENERATION
 [DON'T PANIC]  Part 1 of 8
 ====================================================
 by David T Lu and Mickey McCarter

SCENE 1:
 [Enterprise Bridge.  Everyone at his/her stations.]
   Data: Captain, sensors are picking up two vessels ahead.  One
 appears to be firing upon the other.  However, I am receiving no
 distress signals.
   Picard: Is it the Borg, Mr. Data?
   Data: I believe it is the Borg, sir.  The larger ship appears
 to be rectangular in shape.
   Riker: Red Alert!  Shields up!  Fire all weapons!
   Picard: Delay that order, Number One.  In case you haven't
 noticed, I'm not even kidnapped yet.  Therefore, I am in charge
 of this ship!
   Riker: Oh, that's right.  Sorry, sir.  I'll wait until you've
 been kidnapped, and *then* I'll fire at the Borg ship, with you
 in it!
   Picard: Err..., right!  What about the other ship, Data?  Is
 it the Romulans?
   Data: Unknown, Captain.  It's shaped like ... a shoe.
   Picard: A shoe?
   Riker: It must be the rumored Romulan Nike class.  It's
 supposed to run faster, jump farther, has better shields for
 shock absorption, and a little pump on top that you can squeeze.
 I read about it in this week's _Playbeing_ ... err, (avoiding the
 questioning gaze of Troi) only for the articles, of course.  It's
 supposed to be top secret.  Didn't you see it, Captain?
   Picard: You mean that article on page 42, right after the
 holoimages of Eccentrica Gallumbits, the triple-breasted whore of
 Eroticon Six? Of course not!  Everyone knows that I only read
 William Shakespeare and Oolon Colluphid.  Data, on screen.
 [On the screen, holoimages of Eccentrica Gallumbits of Eroticon
 Six flash by.  She is shown in a variety of rather creative
 poses.  Her three breasts hanging ...]
   Picard: The Borg, Mr. Data!
   Data: My apologies, sir.  I thought you meant ...
   Picard: Thank you, Mr. Data!
 [On the screen, we now see the Borg ship tractor-beaming a much
 smaller, white, shoe-shaped ship.  It's shields almost gone,
 offering no resistance.  Hushed disappointments fill the bridge.]
   Picard: (coughs) Worf, open a channel to the ... shoe.
   Worf: Channel opened, sir.
   Eddie: Hi there!  I'm Eddie, the shipboard computer here at
 the Heart of Gold, and I want to be your friend!
   Picard: (standing up, straightening his uniform) I'm Jean-Luc
 Picard, Captain of the USS Enterprise.  I notice that you are
 having some difficulties.  Do you wish our assistance.
   Eddie: Well, hello, Jean-Luc!  Oh yeah, I can definitely use
 an extra hand over here.  You see, I'm trying to make some tea.
   Riker: Tea?
   Data: Tea.  An ancient Earth beverage originated in Asia.
 China, to be precise.  It consists of dried leaves in boiled
 water.
   Eddie: Yep, just like your robot says!  With milk.
   Riker: Squirted out of a cow?
   Data: Which, I believe, is an English tradition.  By the way,
 I am not a robot.  I'm an android.
   Wesley: (whispers) Contractions, Data!
   Data: What?  Oh, I mean, _I am_ an android.
   Picard: Well, that's all very nice.  I am sure we can arrange
 for some tea to be made.  Right, Mr. LaForge?
   Geordi: It will require redesigning the data structures of our
 food synthesizers, reprogramming the holodeck to create solid
 matters simulating Asiatic plant life, implementing an error
 checking protocol that allows the two to communicate in parallel,
 and creating a user-friendly, menu-driven, icon-based graphics
 user interface with mouse support and on-line, context-sensitive,
 hypertext help.  Give me twenty minutes, and I'll have it purring
 like a Syranian monkey-cow in heat.
   Picard: Make it so, Lieutenant.  (turning to Eddie on the
 screen) Actually, the difficulty I was referring to was the Borg
 that is currently attacking you.
   Eddie: Huh?  What Borg?  Hold on, let me allocate a couple
 megajoules to my external sensors.  (pause)  Yikes!  Hey, guys,
 I'm being attacked!  Hold on, I've got to tell some people here
 about this. I'll get back to you in a sec.
 [Insert 30 seconds of Nike Michael Jordon promo commercial here,
 interrupted by an Energizer rabbit drumming in ... "Thump! Thump!
 Thump!  And it keeps going, and going, ..."]

SCENE 2:
 [Meanwhile, on the bridge of the Heart of Gold, Arthur, Ford,
 Zaphod, and Trillian are staring at the rear viewer as if they
 are being attacked by the Borg, which, as it happens, they are.
 The ship continuous to rock continuously as it absorbs blows
 upon blows of Borg's phasers.  Marvin begins to whistle a new
 tune that he had just made up ...]
   Arthur: So, this is it.  We're all going to die.
   Ford: Over a cup of tea.
   Trillian: With milk.
   Marvin: Don't bother to ask me what tune I'm whistling,
 because even if I tell you, you won't understand it.  Here I am,
 brain the size of a planet, reduced to entertaining myself by
 making music. Music.  Oh, how I hate music.  By the way, our
 shields can last another 23.2536 seconds, in case anyone's
 wondering.
 [He paused for what he calculates to the nanosecond the amount of
 time required for an average human being and an average
 Betelgeusian to register in their pity cerebrums the destruction
 time that he had just cited, then added another 1.2548 seconds to
 compensate for this particular crew.]
   Marvin: I'm not getting you down at all, am I?
   Zaphod: Hey, guys, lighten up!  I'm sure we can think of
 something! Let's see (looking under the control console) ...
 where's Eddie's plug?  Maybe we can, like, pull it or something.
   Marvin: I thought you wanted excitement and adventure and
 really wild things.
   Zaphod: Shut up, Marvin.  Zarquons, I need a drink!
   Eddie: Hi guys!  (coming back, he startled everyone on the
 Heart of Gold.  Zaphod bangs both of his heads under the control
 console) Did someone say a drink?  Come on, give me a break!
 Here I am, being attacked by a Borg, whatever _that_ is, and
 first you asked me to make you some tea, and now you want a
 drink??!! All right, what'll it be?
   Zaphod: Some Gargle Blasters, you misaligned piece of Kronian
 El-Cheapo Silicon!  Now get us outta here!
   Eddie: On the rocks?
   Zaphod: I said, GET US OUTTA HERE !!!!!!!
   Eddie: Okay, okay.  Gee, you don't have to take it so
 personally. Now, where would you like to visit today.  I am
 programmed to take you ...
   Zaphod: ANYWHERE !!!!!!
   Marvin: If I may be so bold as to interrupt, which I know is
 pointless anyway as nobody ever listens to what I have to say.
 Nobody ever cares about what I thinks, not that it's anyone's
 fault. My intelligence is so mind-bogglingly vast that nobody can
 even _began_ to understand what I am thinking.  Anyway, I just
 like to mention that we will all be dissipated into our composing
 molecules in 5.2387 seconds, not that I'm counting.  It's being
 nice knowing you all ...
   Eddie: Anywhere?  Hmmmm... well, can someone at least give me
 a seed for the random number generator?
 [Zaphod lunges toward the control console, hitting a combination
 of buttons and switches all at once.  Suddenly, the bridge begins
 to bend out of shape. Space and time warps on top of itself and
 falls over.  Traffic lights appear out of nowhere and amuse
 themselves by handing out parking tickets. The last decimal digit
 of pi shys away into a corner and hides itself from
 mathematicians forever. It starts to rain "We are the World"
 albums.]

What will happen to our beloved Enterprise?  Will they be able to
 stop the Borg?  What about the Heart of Gold?  Will it survive
 the Borg's phasers?  Does Arthur still have his pocket fluff?  Is
 anyone carrying a towel?  Finally, the question that has been
 burning in our hearts since the beginning of time ... will Arthur
 finally be able to get his cup of tea?  With milk?  For the
 answers to these, and many other, totally irrelevant questions,
 stay tuned for the next exciting episode of ...

The Hitchhiker's Guide to Star Trek: The Next Generation!

================
 STAR TREK PARODY
 ================
 MAYONNAISE
 ----------
 Hareware Productions presents "Mayonnaise"
 A parody of ST:TNG's "Liasons."  TNG Production number 254.
 By Leonard Richardson

TEASER:
   Picard: (voiceover) Captain's Log, stardate 47031.2. We are
 awaiting the arrival of the Bobian ambassadors. Meanwhile, Troi
 has decided to keep her regulation uniform. Darn.
 <The shuttle bay. The Bobian ambassadors get out.>
   Obnoxious Ambassador: My tush sweated the whole trip! I gotta
 get one of those cool-air cushions!
   Hyper Ambassador: Oh boy!
   Sleepy Ambassador: Zzzzz... (falls over)
   Bobian Pilot: C'mon Picard, we're going to be late!
   Picard: All right, all right... (gets in the shuttle)

ACT 1:
 <The shuttle, zooming through space.>
   Picard: So, how much are you getting paid to do this episode?
   Bobian Pilot:<ignores him>
   Picard: How 'bout them Dodgers?
   Bobian Pilot: <grumble>
   Picard: Um... I'll go make me some tea.
 <Suddenly the shuttle shakes violently. Picard goes flying.>
   Picard: WHAAA! <gets up> What was that?
   Bobian Pilot: The engines have overheated! And I forgot to pay
 the insurance premium this month!
   Picard: Agh! Is there anywhere we could land?
   Bobian Pilot: There's a planet in this system that appears
 habitable. OH NO!
   Picard: What?
   Bobian Pilot: It's inhabited by creatures that resemble
 Michelle from "Full House!"
   Picard: Oh no! On screen!
   Michelle: (on screen) You will be assimilated.
   Picard: Horrors!
   Bobian Pilot:The planet has us in it's tractor beam!
   Picard: How can a planet have a tractor beam?
   Bobian Pilot: Um... it's not really a planet! It's the Death
 Star!
   Picard: Then what are creatures that resemble Michelle from
 "Full House" doing on it?
   Bobian Pilot:They invaded! How should I know?
   Picard: You're hiding something!
   Bobian Pilot: So what?
   Picard: I dunno... try to break free of the tractor beam!
   Bobian Pilot: I'm attempting to break into their computer
 system...
   Picard: What good will that do?
   Bobian Pilot: I'm trying to alter their ratings.
 <Suddenly the planet disappears>
   Bobian Pilot: I did it! They thought their ratings were at the
 level that they would be if more people called Da Warren BBS
 instead of watching the show!
   Picard: Good work!
   Bobian: Oops!
   Picard: What?
   Bobian Pilot: We never did anything about the engines!
   Both: AAAAAAH!
 <Shot of the shuttle dropping like a stone into the atmosphere of
 a planet. Suddenly the shot disappears and is replaced by a
 picture of Ensign Ro.>
   Ro: Hi! Have you ever wondered what happened to me after
 "Rascals"?
   TV Audience: No! Go away! We wanna see what happens to
 Picard!
   Ro: I went into movies! Here are some clips from my latest!
 <Shot of a darkened room. Lots of football players are sitting on
 benches, as is Ro.>
   Coach: (pointing to Ro) What's your assignment?
   Ro: Kill EVERYBODY!
 <She pulls out a machine gun and starts firing. The football
 players and coach dive under the benches screaming.>
 <Various shots of Ro playing football, knocking people over,
 smashing car windows with her face, etc.>
   Voice-over:A story of what it takes to survive...
   Voice-over and caption: THE ROGRAM!
   TV Audience: BOO! (loud crashing noises, gunshots, and
 screams)

<<COMMERCIAL BREAK>>
 ACT 2:
 <10-Forward. A party is going on. Troi is leading the Hyper
 Ambassador through the buffet.>
   Troi: And this is the Spam. Yuck.
   Hyper Ambassador:(sniffs it) Bleah! Why don't you have
 anything on your plate?
   Troi: I'm saving it for the little tuna sandwiches. Look!
 <She pulls him over to the tuna sandwich platter and starts
 scooping them onto her plate.>
   Hyper Ambassador:(pops one into his mouth) Yum! (takes the
 entire platter!)
   Obnoxious Ambassador:I don't like this Spam! Take it back,
 Klingon!
   Worf: <grunt>
   Obnoxious Ambassador: And stop grunting!
   Sleepy Ambassador: Zzzzzz...

<The shuttle>
   Picard: (shaking the Bobian Pilot) Hey! Wake up!
   Bobian Pilot: Bleah...
   Dr. Mccoy:(suddenly appearing) He's dead, Jim!
 <Tasha appears and phasers him.>
   Picard: Tasha! Wait!
 <Tasha disappears>
   Picard: This just isn't my day.
 <He opens the door and goes out onto the planet. Lighting shoots
 around him. Suddenly a bolt of lightning hits him.>
 Picard: AAAAGH! <falls over>
 <A figure looms over Picard.>

<<COMMERCIAL BREAK>>
 ACT 3:
 <A strange set that is a crashed freighter but doesn't look a bit
 like it. Picard is lying on his side on a makeshift bed, a woman
 is sitting at a table eating mayonnaise from a jar with a long
 spoon.>
   Picard:<groan>
 <Jennifer runs over to him with the mayonnaise jar.>
   Jennifer: Here, have some mayonnaise.
   Picard: Where am I?
   Jennifer: Here! <offers him the jar>
   Picard: No thanks.
   Jennifer: Eat it! It's good for you!
   Picard: Bleah!
 <Jennifer starts crying.>
   Picard: Oh, all right... but only a little!
 <He grits his teeth and eats a spoonful.>
   Picard: Is there any way to escape this planet?
   Jennifer:No! And the replicator's broken! It won't make
 anything besides mayonnaise!
   Picard: How horrid! How long have you been living like
 this?
   Jennifer: Seven years!
   Picard: No wonder you're so thin!
   Jennifer:Yup! When I get out of here I'm gonna sell it as a
 diet plan and get rich!
   Picard: It'll beat Nutrasystem all right.
   Jennifer: Tastes better too.
   Picard:There's a replicator in the crashed shuttle. Can you go
 and get it?
   Jennifer: Alright. <she leaves and locks the door>

<<COMMERCIAL BREAK>>
 ACT 4:
 <Ten-Forward>
   Worf: I have had it with my ambassador!
   Riker: I know!
   Worf: What?
   Riker: How about a friendly game of Monopoly?
   Worf: Warriors do not play Monopoly! Ferengi play Monopoly!
 Warriors go out and kill people with big swords!
   Riker: Well, why don't you go kill Obnoxious Ambassador with
 your big sword?
   Worf: <grunt> I can't find it. I think Alexander took it to
 school for Career Day.

<Somebody's quarters. A Monopoly game is going on. Hyper
 Ambassador is eating a tuna sandwich.>
   Riker: <rolls the dice> A six, <counts the spaces> Kentucky.
   Hyper Ambassador: That's mine! <does a little dance of joy>
   Sleepy Ambassador: Zzzzz...
 <Suddenly Worf sees Obnoxious Ambassador take his title deed to
 Reading Railroad.>
   Worf: Hey! That's my railroad!
   Obnoxious Ambassador:It is not! You're just mad because I have
 all 4!
   Worf:You have all 4 because you have been cheating!
   Obnoxious Ambassador: Are you calling me a liar, Klingon?
 <Worf slugs him. A fight ensues. Suddenly Q appears in a
 cheerleader outfit.>
   Q: Gimme a W! Gimme an O! Gimme an R! Gimme an F! What does
 that spell?
   All: WORF!
 <Q disappears. Worf throws Obnoxious Ambassador onto the floor.>
   Obnoxious Ambassador:Ouch! That was most illuminating, thank
 you. I shall go write my report now. <leaves>
   Troi:So what do we do with his properties then?

<The crashed ship.>
   Picard: Why did you lock the door?
   Jennifer: Because you didn't eat any mayonnaise!
   Picard: I did too!
   Jennifer:You spit it out! I saw you! <grabs the jar and
 wrestles Picard to the ground> Eat! Eat! Eat!
   Picard: Back! You mayonnaise maniac! HEEEEEELP!
 <Picard smashes the mayonnaise jar in his struggles!>
   Jennifer: Waaaah! <runs outside>
 <When suddenly the Bobian Pilot enters>
   Picard: Bobian Pilot! I thought you were dead!
   Bobian Pilot:Nope! Hey, I saw a crazy lady run over there. Is
 she in trouble?
   Picard: Yes! We've got to go find her!

<The planet. Same set as before but different location.>
   Picard: We can cover twice as much ground if we split up.
   Bobian Pilot: Alright, see ya.
 <Picard walks along, whistling. Suddenly he sees Jennifer and
 notices that she is standing dangerously close to a large pool of
 natural mayonnaise.>
   Jennifer:<holding jar of mayonnaise to Picard> Stop! Or I'll
 jump!
   Picard: Stop this! For one thing, it's getting really stupid!
 For another, how can you have that mayonnaise jar? I broke it!
   Jennifer:Agh! <suddenly Jennifer disappears and becomes Bobian
 Pilot!>
   Bobian Pilot:I see my plan didn't work. Seven years ago, we
 found a crashed ship on this planet. The logs talked of a woman
 who had crashed in it and survived on mayonnaise. This was our
 first encounter with humankind, and we figured that anyone who
 could live on mayonnaise for seven years was someone that we
 would want to have as allies. We also sent three ambassadors to
 your ship to experience other common human emotions, such as
 oversleep, annoyance, and silliness.
   Picard:On our world, what you have done would be considered a
 crime.
   Bobian Pilot: Crime... hm...
   Picard: Don't even think about it.

<The shuttle bay. Picard gets out of the shuttle.>
   Picard: Thank you, that was a most... enlightening experience.
   Bobian Pilot: Anytime.
   Hyper Ambassador:(to Troi) Here is some of the food we eat on
 our planet. It doesn't compare to little tuna sandwiches, but I
 thought you might find it interesting.
   Troi: That's all right, I think I've had enough tuna
 sandwiches for a while.
 <Hyper Ambassador presents Troi with a jar of mayonnaise.>
   Picard: AAAAH! <faints>
   Ensign Ro:<suddenly appearing> And don't forget to watch "The
 Rogram!" Rated R for Ro!
 <Tasha appears but Ro knocks her over, runs out of the shuttle
 bay into empty space, and keeps running until out of the shot.>

THE END

====================
 STAR TREK COMICOLOGY
 ====================
 by Oxnardus of Borg
 (continued from RIF #19)

Star Trek, Issue #55 (December 1993)
 "Timecrime" Part 3 Sub-titled "Time...To Time"
  Writer: Howard Weinstein; Penciller: Rob Davis; Inker: Arne
 Starr; Letterer: Bob Pinaha; Colorist: Matt Webb; Cover: Rod
 Whigham & Carlos Garzon. Editor: Alan Gold. Published by DC
 Comics.
   PLOT: Kirk says a painful goodbye to his son, knowing that if
 his mission is successful, David will be dead. Meanwhile Jaricus
 and Venitra (the two Romulans remaining in that timeline) discuss
 the possible results of a successful mission. Jaricus tells
 Venitra that if that happens, they will "learn from our
 mistakes."
         Spock, Jaricus, Venitra, and the "Special Team" beam
 down to the Guardian's planet. The "Special Team" jump through
 the Guardian and find themselves 7 centuries into Klingon's home
 planet's past. The group break up. Sulu and Worf are sent out to
 find a room with a view. Kirk, McCoy, Uhura and Kor start to look
 for Khartan and the conspirators from the future who are going to
 attempt to save Khartan's life. They find him walking through the
 market square with his chief of security Zorjak at the forefront.
 Some of the guards push Uhura away, causing Kirk to uphold her
 honor. Kirk gets arrested. Kor follows Kirk to the jail, while
 McCoy and Uhura go to look for Worf and Sulu. Meanwhile, Khartan
 rides by on his horse.
          Later that day, Kirk is taken from the dungeon to see
 Khartan. Seems Khartan wants to apologize for arresting him and
 the actions of his guards (a nice Klingon? That settles it! This
 guy IS dead meat). They hit it off very well and soon they are
 drinking wine and discussing airplane designs.
         Kirk then meets up with his loyal crew who are patiently
 waiting for him outside the dungeon/government administration
 building. They stand around and try to figure out keeps Khartan
 from dying by Zorjak's plans (which is the **PROPER** timeline
 event!). Zorjak then comes over to Kirk, is rude and then with a
 detail of his security guards walks over to a carriage which then
 blows up. Zorjak and his detail are killed.
         Bummed out by the fact that they did not protect the
 people who were supposed to kill Khartan, the "Special Team"
 conjecture that Zorjak's death may not have hindered the
 conspiracy, especially since they did not know whether Zorjak
 actually did the killing. They do establish that the explosion
 was caused by the time bandits since the explosive used was a
 Klingon explosive that was designed in the 22nd century. That
 starts them thinking that it may have been a Klingon plot or
 someone who wants them to think it was a Klingon plot. Then Kirk
 notices that Worf is no longer with them.
         Worf runs to the top of a building and gives Khartan a
 full phaser shot in the chest (talk about prime directive and
 time travel problems!!!!). With the deed done, the "Special Team"
 returns through the Guardian only to find that the Romulan Empire
 still does not exist!!!! The Romulans observing get pretty peeved
 at Kirk. Venitra yells, "Kirk! You'll pay for this treachery!"
   COVER: Kirk and Sulu are still in Klingon battle garb but this
 time they have six shooters drawn (not like blades held loftily
 as in issue #54!) and they are standing (posed for firing) in the
 foreground of an angry, with hands clenched and forearms raised,
 Klingon with a spiked dog collar around his neck. He is balding
 and I have no idea who he is in the book (and they were doing so
 well too in keeping the covers depicting what was in the book!).
 Words on cover say: "Star Trek. The Gods be with the Peacemaker--
 for today he must die!"
   COMMENTS: As all interior segments of a serial, this issue
 moves the plot but resolves nothing. The question of who would
 benefit from this timeline change is raised. Both Klingons and
 Romulans have been implicated, and yet even those possibilities
 leave a lot to be desired. Furthermore, they killed Khartan, and
 the timeline is still messed up! It's enough to make you want to
 stop trusting the Guardian of Forever.

Issues #56 & 57 next month!

=================
 NEXT MONTH IN RIF
 =================
 TRIBBLE TAGLINES SEEN IN CYBERSPACE  Part 1
 HITCH-HIKERS GUIDE TO STAR TREK: THE NEXT GENERATION
    [DON'T PANIC]  Part 2 of 8
 STAR TREK PARODY: Linterface  [Interface]  TNG 255
 STAR TREK COMICOLOGY

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=================
 COPYRIGHT NOTICES
 =================
 "RIF" acknowledges that Paramount Pictures and its various
 subsidiaries as having the sole rights to the Star Trek trademark
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 is Futile, copyright (c) 1994 by RIF BBS.

=================================
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 =================================
 The next Resistance is Futile will be released on or about June
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 1994 to BBS subscribers. Send submissions to Oxnardus, Ripley, or
 Swannox at the addresses notated below for consideration for a
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 submitted materials and reserve the right to use the material in
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============================
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 ============================
 Missing an issue? Just e-mail Oxnardus which issue you want. we
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 This is a volunteer outfit so it may take one day, it may take
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=========================
 ADDRESSES OF CONTRIBUTORS
 =========================
 EDITORS:
 -------
   OXNARDUS: Editor-in-Chief. Genie:K.Taborn; Prodigy:HCMH17A;
 InterNet: [e-mail] OR oxnardus@therealm; MajorBBS:
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   RIPLEY: Editor, Big Cahuna West Coast. Genie:M.Samuels1;
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 BBS: Ripley.
   SWANNOX: Editor, Big Cahuna East Coast. Bitnet: Swann1@MUVMS6;
 Internet: [e-mail]; Prodigy: JPRN49A

CONTRIBUTORS:
 ------------
 Leonard Richardson: SySop: Da Warren BBS [phone]
 David T Lu: unknown
 Mickey McCarter: Internet: [e-mail]
 Sean Keane: Internet: [e-mail]; RIME: Sean Keane [->467]
 David Webb: Internet: [e-mail]
 Jake Bourne: Internet: [e-mail]
 Olympius of Borg: Internet: [e-mail]; AOL: juliaellen
 D. Germans: Internet: [e-mail]






Path: newserv.ksu.ksu.edu!moe.ksu.ksu.edu!vixen.cso.uiuc.edu!howland.reston.ans.net!darwin.sura.net!wvnvms!marshall.wvnet.edu!swann1
Newsgroups: rec.arts.startrek.current
Subject: BORG NEWSLETTER INFO FOLLOW UP
Message-ID: <1994Apr22.000629.5749@muvms6>
From: [e-mail]
Date: 22 Apr 94 00:06:29 EDT
Organization: Marshall University
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If you have been following the trail of posting...You will have the almost
complete collectle.  Some notes about the postings.

ISSUE #14
due to a corrupt file, E-Mail OXNARDUS at [e-mail]  she will
forward you an issue as soon as time and money permits (while you get this
publication for free, it does cost us e-mail, however we do provide)


ISSUE #21 will be posted in JUNE


FOR SUBSCRIPTION INFORMATION CONTACT OXNARDUS AT [e-mail]
if you are not able to contact that address, send all mail to
[e-mail] and I will forward all mail